Temples of Some Other Gods (7)
by DarkSpirit
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-17
This was, magnificent in my eyes. Although what I take from it is probably different from what others will take from it.
"Dreams are keyholes;
you are cursed, you are the devil?
Come to dance with
modern psychology;
white lies circle through mirages,
you aren't ready for the other side of the sun."
^^I do not understand the question in the beginning. I don't think it should be a question. Just my opinion.
"Whole contexture of gemstones is heart
of our alight skies,
god is the reality, backwards,
packing electric aims,
attaching its leg for a tree,
probably to bless ants. "
^^First line, "Whole contexture of gemstones is heart" Just my suggestion, to add a "the" after "is". so it would be "is the heart", just my opinion, but it sounds much better that way.
"How to believe ourselves
when senses are, each day,
distorted, deceived with green?"
^^Oh I loved this. I think it shows that people are over powered with greed. Which they are. It added a much needed impact to this poem. GOOD JOB!
"A hunt began
-surrendering is not an option-
the key is my pupil."
^^ Fabulous ending! This is what made me believe that this was a religious poem. That they key to believing is to see through your eyes. Just what I got from it.
Another great poem of yours!
5/5
~Lace
A Civilian's Pledge (8)
by Natalie
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-14
I live in America, and I agree with every word of this.
It was a fantastic write, a great subject. If only people would view America like this, then maybe there could be change.
Your ending was AMAZING. It totally went out with a BANG!
Fantastic!
5/5
~Lace
Wolf-Girl (6)
by NyellMoonlight
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-09
Another amazing piece. Wolf-girl added so much of a dark edge to it, and I enjoyed that.
"An amount of uncanny elusiveness,
just a particle that once contained nudity,
trapped within decaying heart
that sealed the door of our ardent kingdom."
^^I don't like the word "nudity" in here. I don't know why. Just thought I'd let you know. Also, I think it would be better if you began the second line with "is" just a suggestion.
"Therefore, I was,
a wolf girl,
an entity
of dead freedom."
^^Just as a suggesiton, maybe add a hyphen to wolf girl. so it would be wolf-girl. It matches how it was stated in the poem previously.
Overall, I have nothing bad to say about this. It was another amazing write by you. Good job!
5/5
~Lace
Frozen (20)
by Cayce
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-07
CAYCE!!! I HEART YOU!!! I guess I'll just judge this as if it was any other poem, and not for my contest.
"Crystallized candy surrenders to the ground.
Wrought from the very essence of malice."
^^That first line made me think of rock candy. lol It actually did draw me in. But shouldn't the second line be a continuation of the first? I dunno, that's how I read it, as one sentence, and not two.
"Sway to this glacial melody,
With your lips made of frost.
Sing gently, this frigid song,
And your words will be lost."
^^OOOOH I loved this. It's a very captivating stanza, and it's kind of seductive. But I don't think the first words in the second and last line should be capitalized, since they aren't the beginning of sentences.
"Icicles are falling, piercing my fragile skin.
Blue liquid seeps out, to taint the snow."
^^Those really go with the title. They were really pretty. =)
"Bleeding Blizzard blood,
Still dancing to this song.
Head swarming with lies,
Of a love that was wrong."
^^one question, why is "Blizzard" capitalized???
"Seduced by moonlight, on a wintry day.
Leaden steps fall from feet that have wept."
^^A little confused. Feet weep? lol
"Fall into the frosty ocean,
Let the ice hold your heart.
Love is only a fairytale,
That rips your soul apart."
^^GAH! I LOVED THE ENDING! Seriously. It was perfect.
PFFT. Writers block, chya right! You managed to push a piece out of your mind, that was positively amazing. Thank you for making my decision for winners even more difficult!
~Lace =)
5/5
Love's What We Became (Song) (47)
by Italian Stallion
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-06
The Phantom of the Opera is my favorite movie of all time. I can see how you can get inspiration from it, and I actually managed to get a beat while reading it, by hearing the music, yet adding your lyrics.
I liked how this was not like most songs, that have a beginning, then bridge, chorus etc. It was just simple, yet very heartfelt.
"Elisabetta" was a very unique name, and added some sort of romance to the piece.
"Here in the dark I sit and ponder,
Why do I still adore you?
Somehow I can't find an answer,
Yet it's you I still love true. "
^^That last line usually wouldn't sound right, but if it was to be an opera song, it would make sense to me.
"My nose is cold,
My heart pumps fast,
For Elisabetta."
^^That really built up for me. I could feel the passion in those lines, and all I was thinking was "wow".
Truely superb. I honestly loved it, and can tell that you put much thought, and love into this.
5/5
~Lace
Ice Queen (4)
by DarkSpirit
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-06
I am seriously in love with this. I am so glad you entered my contest and wrote this.
It's dark, it's seductive, a completely captivating piece.
FIRST STANZA:
Immediately caught my attention. Even if this wasn't for my contest, I would still have been drawn in. My only suggestion is to add an "s" onto the end of "photograph". Sounds better in that line, expecially if it is speaking of more than one photo.
STANZA TWO:
"Moon came out in form of full madness"
^^one suggestion. Maybe add a "the" in this. so it would be "Moon came out in the form of full madness"
But this is probably my favorite stanza. This is what made the "Ice Queen" seem so seductive. Maybe even like a vampire. Very powerful.
STANZA THREE/FOUR:
This was the perfect ending. It shows the great power that this creature beholds. Kind of like, some mythic Goddess.
I seriously loved this piece, and have no bad critiques for it. Well done. You should be proud of this piece.
~Lace
Dream Theater (5)
by DarkSpirit
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-02
Now, I am a major theatre fan, so of course while scrolling your poems, this title caught my attention. The only thing that bugs me is the spelling "theater" that bugs me for some odd reason. Usually "theater" refers to movie theaters, and "theatre" refers to the stage. It's up to you on changing it. I'm the only person I know that gets bugged by it lol
STANZA ONE:
"wings made of words" really went with the poem. It sounds like the wings are the scripts. And it sounds as though you are speaking of monsters. Strange, but cool.
One suggestion, for this:
"and hid in all forbidden places
slept under the wings made of words."
^^Maybe change "slept" to "sleeping". For some reason it sounds better like that to me.
STANZA TWO:
Speaking of theives? That's interesting. I love how you put in "mute" because that is very interesting for something of the theatre. But it adds a darker edge to it, which I like.
LAST STANZA:
Perfect ending. Saying that these "monsters" or whoever you are thinking of, sort of fund a home in the theatre. Plus, dark magicians sounds even more creepy.
This is a favorite piece that I've seen of yours. I absolutely love it. WOOT!
~Lace 5/5
Silver Carriages, Bloody Enigmas (6)
by DarkSpirit
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-01
I have to admit, I am a little confused as to what the meaning of the poem is. I do like the words, and metaphors you used, but I don't quite understand the meaning behind them.
"As tongue touches larva of daylight
wax becomes more pleasant,
making flumes
to our dark time bomb."
^^Hmm... Daylight flowing through us is a time bomb? I'm just guessing. I like the word "flumes".
"Scarlet and emerald curtains
are lacerated regardless
of position of shadows and clouds,
so, moving pictures on the wall exalted spirit;"
^^Curtains elevate spirits??? o.O This confuses me. Although I do disagree with what Nyell said. I LOVED the first line. I even pictured scarlet and emerald curtains in my mind. They are pretty =)
"beyond time,
fugaciously bewitched in freefall,
assaying each pulse
of fantasy's puzzle; pieces are words."
^^Puzzle of words? I like that, but still don't get it.
"We are going ahead, across this mosaic,
never looking back,
because dance of supreme connoisseurs of fire
upon penultimate, colorful combustion
is priceless and declivous."
^^Artistic competiton? If so, I love that.
So, I may not understand the meaning of this poem, but poetry does not always have to have a meaning. Maybe that's why this is in the misc section? If there is a deeper meaning, I'm sure I'll love it, as always.
Still a pleasure to read, though left in a state of confusion. =)
Take care, keep writing
~Lace 5/5
P.S. Sorry it took so long to do this, I've had a busy few days.
Maybe one day I will see (2)
by ThomasBlackburn
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-01
You said in your profile that you want constructive criticism, so here it is:
Not everything has to rhyme in poetry. I am guilty of rhyming most of my poems, but I never forced anything. Poetry should flow off the tongue, and in these it seems forced.
You need to change the format of this poem. It should be in separate stanzas. Also, you do not have the proper punctuation. Some words need apostrophes, some lines need commas.
Maybe something like this:
"I'm an emotional ****,
I'll love you too,
then I'm all out of my good luck
I'm an emotional fool
I do lots for others,
Try not to be a tool
I try too hard on things,
they are in vain
If I fall face first,
and get up to just more pain
I'm starting to see,
The faces of disguise
Maybe one day I can realize."
There are some unneeded words in there, that really make it seem like you have bad grammar. When you want two lines to rhyme, try and make it to where each line has the same syllables.
The ending confused me. I was wondering what you were supposed to realize in the end.
Not bad, but not great. 4/5
~Lace
Eclipse (9)
by NyellMoonlight
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-01
FIRST LINE:
"Do not question my faith-"
^^You immediately drew me in. I am always curious on peoples beliefs. Plus, this line, to me, when I read it, had so much power and anger and pride in it, that I immediately wanted to keep reading.
STANZA ONE:
"the one that embedded a detonator
into your silver, weeping moon,
remembers
all those nightmares
that were translated into pure madness."
^^Chances are, I am going to be completely wrong about most of this poem, but every reader is going to take in something different, right? From this stanza, it spoke to me as though you were speaking of "God" and prayers that were sent to him about something horrible that happened. Whether I am wrong or right, I did love this stanza.
STANZA TWO:
"Promises fade between bleeding stars,
the sky's burning, shiny scars
that testify about the times when we had gods."
^^This seemed to me, a remembrance of times when more people believed. When more people had faith in religion, and a higher power.
STANZA THREE:
""Some notes never played
haunt phlegmatic tendencies
turning the hourglasses,
ancient remains
within this digital mechanism"
^^This one was a bit confusing for me. I do not understand how something acient can be digital? I'm sure I'm taking that too technically, and there is a deeper meaning to that metaphor. It's just not quite clear to me.
LAST STANZA:
"Now, when the history merged
with the world's eclipse,
do not question my faith."
^^To me this sounds like you are saying that when the world ends, you believe what's going to happen. Whether it be heaven, hell, or nothing.
I like how you repeated the first line. It still had that power, and raw emotion in it.
5/5 from me. Very powerful.
Take care.
~Lace
Ardent Waltz (13)
by NyellMoonlight
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-30
This is possibly going to be one of the shortest comments I've left you.
This was a truely captivating love poem. Though there were no rhymes, the flow of it just seemed to role off the tongue. I truely loved your word choice in this. Every expression, and every emotion was beautiful. If I could read with my eyes closed, I would do that with this just to capture every essence of it in my mind.
Two suggestions:
"hand in hand, pupils fill with hues of fire."
^^I'm not expert, but I'm pretty sure "hues" are shades of purple and blue. I guess fire does have blue in it, but usually when people think of fire, it's the reddish-orange color. Hmm, but you could also keep it that way, so that it becomes more of a unique line.
Also:
"florescent emotions rhyme with words on repeat"
^^It should be "fluorescent". You forgot the "u".
I must admit though, I did not too much care for the ending. It didn't go out with a BANG like most of your work does. Maybe if you added one final line, to kind of make the poem fade out, and make people say "WOW". I just did not like how it was the same as the first stanza.
I do however, absolutely love the title. It fits EXACTLY with the poem. It was a beautiful choice.
As always, a pleasure to read. And I am sorry it took so long to give you this comment.
Take care, and keep writing!
~Lace
Dark Phoenix [Shriek of a Muse] (5)
by DarkSpirit
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-29
This was truely an amazing piece. That first stanza literally took my breath away. You are so good with metaphors.
What I got from this, was that in time, all good things eventually die out, and fade. All things, for that matter. Or that for every good thing, there is always a bad side to it. Which really speaks a lot to me, because I can agree with it.
One suggestion
"coloring compunctious leafs like magical butterflies."
^^ "leafs" should be "leaves", I'm pretty sure.
The last stanza really built up for me. Speaking of time and how it moves quickly, and engulfs [I believe you used the word "quicksand"] I loved that.
Another beautiful piece from you.
Take care.
~Lace
5/5
Lyrical Lies (6)
by NyellMoonlight
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-29
Love the title. It goes with the poem, since it is taken directly from it, but it doesn't give anything away. Props for that!
STANZA ONE:
"Breathe with me, inhale toxic bittersweet medleys
of the gorgeous angelic hues; timid sighs haunt me.
You whisper those lyrical lies, tasty cliches
painting over my misdirected and hopeless grins."
^^I found this stanza absolutely flawless. Literally. Metaphorically, this was beautiful. "Angelic hues" was beautiful. You can tell in this stanza the lies and deceit the person you are speaking of has fed you. You managed to reel me in and hold onto my attention. =)
STANZA TWO:
"And all I asked for was frantic believing
in these words weaved within dreadful silence,
I begged for understanding, pieces of miracles
which would entwine with my bleeding soul."
^I would suggest taking out the "And" at the beginning. The way I was taught was that sentences are not supposed to begin with that word. Also, it does sound better without it. What I got from this, was that you just wanted a sense of understanding from this person. Or, that if they were going to lie, at least make the lies believable.
STANZA THREE:
"--Colorful voices convinced inner demons once again
between cotton mountains that crumbled beneath the feet...
...metaphors hurtfully sung their acrid malediction
while you painted over my rights and wrongs.--"
^I loved the hyphens in this. Usually I don't like hyphens, but in this, they made it a break from the previous topic. Though it still went with the whole piece. The first line went perfectly with the last line "Colorful voices" and "painting". Good job on that.
STANZA FOUR:
"Breathe with me, inhale toxic bittersweet medleys
of those lyrical lies that you whispered near my pillow.
Dazing traces of shimmering illusions will wound us
with deathly caressing and tempting vortexes of emotions."
^I LOVED how the beginning of this was the same as the first stanza, but was not an entire repeat of it. "Vortexes" was an amazing word to use in this.
LAST STANZA:
"--So I swore: I'll break the habits for the last time,
crash them into the cursed rivers of filthy fictions;
so I swore: I won't walk through the mazes of your entity...
...I will just continue breathing with you. "
^FANTASTIC ENDING! It was actually rather sad, because it seemed as though you just gave in, and gave up. But maybe this lie was better than reality? One suggestion. On the third line, capitalize the "s" on "so", which would make it like the first line. Just a suggestion.
Once again, you blow me away with your poetry. This would be why you are on my favorites list =) As always, a pleasure to read.
5/5
Take care and keep writing!
~Lace
Anathemas Of Golden Shore (7)
by DarkSpirit
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-28
Hmm. I think since this is a much longer piece, I will go stanza by stanza as I read, then summarize at the end. Sound good? Dang right it does. XD
STANZA ONE:
It took me a minute to realize this, and maybe this is what threw me off, but this entire stanza is one sentence. It almost made me pass out because I read a sentence with one breath, and in this, there was no break. Although there were commas, that only substitutes as a separation, or a pause. I think you need to break this off into at least two sentences.
I do, however, LOVE LOVE LOVE your word choice in this. Seriously. "Orbs" was probably the most unique word choice. Love that word, and how it creates balls of light in my mind. FANTASTIC.
STANZA TWO:
Again, this entire stanza was one sentence. If I read it correctly, which I'm sure I didn't, I think you should make this into two sentences:
"Candle appeared, framed with squally winds,
while it burns with flame of empty ghost's belief,
giving wax to the feet. <<<1st
Merging conscience with pain,
proving ray of truth
within diary of silhouette crucified into the night." <<< 2nd
Yes? No? Maybe so? Just a suggestion. Again, word choice blew my mind away. You have such a way with words. Gave my chills on my arms. BOTH ARMS! Adding "Silhouette" into this, put an image in my mind. WOOT.
STANZA THREE:
Hmm.. I think this one is good with it being one whole sentence =)
I have one suggestion though: 3rd line in this stanza
"and sun came up, with washed smile,"
^^Maybe add "the" after "and" so it would be "and the sun came up, with washed smile,"
I like it better like that, however everyone will read this differently.
STANZA FOUR:
One question, how can bees exchange owls? It kind of made me giggle thinking of bees trading off owls in a poker game. Don't ask. Random thought.
Also, a suggestion.
"We could have that paradise,
without any god forward,
we could have sandy and winter idyll,
but we have chosen unidirectional streets of terror."
^^I think that is two separate sentences. I think the first sentence ends after "without any god forward".
Word choice is amazing, once again. YOU SAID INDIGO! I think I already went crazy in excitement on another poem of yours using that word. Not sure, but if I didn't, I love that word. It is so much more sophisticated than using the word "blue" or "purple". It has a deeper meaning to it, and much more depth.
LAST STANZA:
Hmm... Interesting. OH before I forget, I think you should capitalize "God" and "Devil". I mean, they are superior beings [depending on what you believe] and in this poem you are stating that "we" is them, so why not? Anyways, very dark ending to the poem. I felt that this ending was filled with sin, and betrayal. I'm pretty sure that's not what it is about, but that is what I got from it.
OVERALL VIEW:
Not to sound rude, but I had no idea what the heck you were talking about in this poem. Though your word choice was fantastic, you used a lot of words I didn't know.
I'm sure the deeper meaning to the poem is fantastic, and will mean something to me, but I have no idea what that deeper meaning is. So I am left in a state of confusion.
Anyways, take care. Even if I didn't understand, it's always a pleasure to read your writings!
~Lace
Love Cannot Live in my Damaged Heart (23)
by Cayce
commented by
SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-28
About the authors note, poetry doesn't have to make sense. Remember, we have covered this. We never know what our poems are about lol
STANZA ONE:
"Only the screen could tell this splintered tale,
Of passion sprinkled with lust, intoxicating -
Daze blurred my thoughts of alcoholic lips
Love, warmth, security, needing, advocating."
^^I'm guessing by using the word "screen" it was some sort of mirror reference. If so, it was a good idea to word it that way, because using "mirror" is pretty cliche. I think in the second line you should replace the hyphen with a period. It seems more like the end of a sentence rather than the third line being a continuation.
I loved the last line, where it wasn't technically a sentence. It was just an expression of words.
STANZA TWO:
"Rivers of sparkling water charge down ivory,
Drowning in my own sea of scornful shame.
Clawing at the eyes that saw too much -
Ridicule, hidden errors. I'm the one to blame."
^^I think the hyphen should be taken out and replaced with a period. It would match the first stanza. Very emotional stanza, that explained very well that this is a tragic piece.
LAST STANZA:
"Choking on the guilt, shoved down my throat.
Twisted, regretful heart almost splitting apart.
Praying for stitches and tape, understanding.
Aware love cannot live in my damaged heart."
^^Loved the first line. It shows that you didn't want this "guilt" but you were forced to take the blame for something.
Overall, a good piece. I noticed that you did rhyme, but it did not look forced at all. Even though it took you so little time to write this, everything seems to flow together like you spent hours on it.
Now, I'm not good with titles, but I think the title for this gives too much of the story away. Basically, you can summerize the story in the title, and I don't think that is a good thing. I think that you need to add a mystery to it.
It's not your best work, but for the time it took to do this, it is a fantastic piece.
Always a pleasure to read your work =)
Take care
~Lace [CHEESY GANGSTA]
If Coverless You Wouldn't See (10)
by Melpomene
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-27
Ah, very captivating. Unlike most love poems I've read in a long time. This is my first viewing of you work, and I am truely amazed.
Stanza one:
"Whisking soft scents upon horizon,
Orange holds eyes within its glow,
Summers breeze caresses thine heart,
For she's mesmerized by such beauty;
Falling in lust with stunning cover,
Not tattered spine of hollowed book."
^^As a suggestion for the first line, I think it would sound better with "the" in it.
"Whisking soft scents upon the horizon"
Don't get me wrong, it does sound good without it, but in my honest opinion it sounds better with it.
Vivid imagery was used in this. It was a comforting, and soothing stanza to read.
I also liked "falling in lust". Lust seems to be a much different form of love, maybe even stronger, so I liked how you used that instead of just "love".
Stanza two:
"Autumn leaves dance upon night fall,
Whilst butterfly's prance within heart,
Winter holds beauty unlike any other,
As snow flakes glide gently to ground,
For I fell in love with tattered spine,
Not the hollow front cover of his book. "
^^I loved how you put a nature thing to this. It creates a much more sensual image in the mind. It was refreshing reading the description of Winters beauty. The last two lines, I thought were very creative. An answer to the end of the first stanza, breathtaking.
Compared to what I've read lately, this was a superb poem. It was a pleasure to read it.
Take care and keep writing.
5/5
~Lace
Dig to the Blood (1)
by Mark
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-26
We've shared a lot of poems together, and I feel this is not your best work. Maybe the fact of reading it as a poem, when it is meant to be a song, is the problem. I think that lyrics to songs often get away with things that poetry cannot, which is dumb, since lyrics are a form of poetry.
Anyways, you asked me to be honest, so here goes.
This stanza:
"I know what it feels like
to be on the inside.
But now all I want is to die.
I felt my hands dig for my blood
one more time
and came up so empty"
^Very typical use of words. Often try to avoid the "inside" "die" "time" rhyming scheme. People on here consider that amature, and that there are words way more creative than those.
This stanza:
"The news was like old hat.
I knew this and I realized that.
But it still stung like I
had just HEARD it for THE FIRST TIME."
old hat? o.O I don't understand what that means.
Also, I know that you are trying to show the power and impact of the words in the last line, but it looks really funky. And actually sounds funky in my head. Since people are going to be reading this as a poem, you need to make it as a poem, so I would make those words lowercase.
This stanza:
"I felt my hands dig for my blood
one more time.
And felt as though i was crazy.
"I feel your pain I know I
was once on the outside
and never could
look in." "
^The format really needs to be changed. I read poems how the format is set up, and it sounds really funky like that.
This is how I'd prefer to read it:
"I felt my hands dig for my blood
one more time.
And felt as though i was crazy.
"I feel your pain.
I know I was once on the outside
and never could look in."
Just a suggestion. Everyone will read this differently. Also, you seem to have some uncapitolized "I's" lurking in there. You might want to change that. It bugs ALOT of people on here, including me. Those are my suggestions. Overall, not your best work, but it's not incredibly horrible.
4/5
LOVE YOU!
~Lace
Invisible Butterflies (5)
by DarkSpirit
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-26
Alright. Since this is so long, I am going to put my thoughts for each stanza as I go along.
STANZA ONE:
Beautiful wording. Seriously, the word choice in this stanza is superb. One of the best I have read in a while.
"the sun stared straight into you."
^BEST LINE EVER. It represents a new form of expressing beauty. Gah.
STANZA TWO:
Word choice again, was amazing.
"repeating slowly: You seek trinity,a?:"
For the last word, did you mean "Eh?" or "Aye". It looks awkward the way it is, having one letter there. And if you are keeping it that way, there needs to be a space between it and the comma.
STANZA THREE:
"The world crawls through colors
and the hues that formed green"
Aren't hues usually a shade of blue or purple? Correct me if I am wrong, but I think that's what it is. If not, then never mind.
"and every fracture of the voice is priceless stitch
on the painting of life, making it complete."
^I think you need to add an "a" after "the voice is" so it would be "the voice is a priceless stitch"
Just a suggestion. It sounds better to me than the way it is.
STANZA FOUR:
You are absolutely blowing me away with this piece! I love the hyphens in the last two lines. Normally I don't like them, but in this piece it works. It separates it, and makes it it's own statement.
STANZA FIVE:
"The cosmos runs and falls on the knees,
and sings, crawling,
and stares, and speaks the words,
and talks about fire,
becoming me,
-- admiring the cosmos--
and moves the fingers over divine texture,
feeling liquid gods between the teeth."
I like the "--admiring the cosmos--" It was a break from speaking of the cosmos, and was your thoughts of it. Yay for you.
STANZA SIX:
For this line
"weighting feeling of losing concept of time"
I think you should add an "s" onto "feeling", something about that missing "s" bugged me.
The last line was perfect. It was so imaginative and creative.
Honestly, this deserves a much higher rating than it has, and much more comments saying how amazing it is. It is not your typical poem, and it deserves credit. I gave my thoughts and suggestions, use them if you like, if not, it's fine, it was still a pleasure to read!
5/5
Take care and KEEP WRITING!
~Lace
How Does It Feel? (9)
by Dark Angel
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-26
I'm going to tell you my thoughts stanza by stanza.
Stanza one:
"How does it feel when you're all alone and all torn up like you're useless,
how does it feel when your friends turn against you and till the end you're clueless?"
You ask two questions here, so there needs to be two question marks. Instead of the comma for the first question, there needs to be a question mark.
Stanza two:
"How does it feel when you have no one to hear you and no one to help you make it through the day,
how does it feel when you're taken as a game that the people you most love want to play?"
Again, two questions, two question marks.
Also, in the second question, the word "that" should be "and" sounds better that way to me.
Stanza three:
"How does it feel when you've got nothing to do and you feel you're not worth anything,
how does it feel when you see the cards you give to your friends, torn and thrown in the bin?"
Again, two questions, two question marks. Also, in the first question, you should change "you've got" to "you have". It doesn't sound as typical and amature that way. Also, the rhyming is a little thrown off with "anything" and "bin". I think you could've been a little more creative there.
Stanza four:
"How does it feel when people make fun of you and your freaking feelings,
how does it feel when your most precious gifts are called worthless things?"
Again, two questions, two question marks. Also, you should take out the word "freaking". Does not sound good at all with that.
Last stanza:
If you don't know how it feels to be treated this way,
and how badly i want to be free,
then don't just ignore this pledge of mine,
you can simply ask people like me!! "
You need to capitalize your "I's". Also, take out one of the exclamation points at the end. Correct English says you only need one.
I liked the concept of this poem, but it is nothing unique.
Hope I could help!
4/5
Singing With Your Silence (12)
by NyellMoonlight
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-26
Wow. A truely captivating poem. Metaphorically, it's superb. I actually like the title of it. You take it directly from the poem, which I always like. It holds it's mystery, and doesn't give too much away.
"Inky lines sketched across frosty paper
testify about subconscious acts;
these quiet words are my stripped heart,
an exterior of mirrored hopes and fears."
^I love the first line. It created an image in my head of inky across ice. You created a painting in my mind with your words. "an exterior of mirrored hopes" I like that. With mirrors, all you see is the exterior, loved it.
"What lies behind the door number fourteen?
Moving pictures replay foundations
enslaved by gentle fingertips,
scarring hands,
merging blood with stones"
^I found it odd you chose the number fourteen. But that just brings more uniqueness to the poem. I also think you should take out the word "the" in it, so it would be "what lies behind door number fourteen?" Sounds much better. Keeping "the" in there, knocks off the flow for me.
"Mute starlight is the narrator
of my sleeping tragedy,
a projector
built with torn bricks"
^Another good metaphor. I found it odd, and unique. Mainly because starlight is usually a visual, so saying it is mute, implies that it is a sound, and makes you wonder what starlight sounds like. I didn't like "torn bricks". You can't exactly tear bricks. Maybe make it into "smashed" instead of torn. Just a suggestion.
"Glittery rainbow shatters thoughts,
personified with engulfing grin;
moonbeams battle burning anxiousness,
consuming ember of my sentences,
raging with the fire of icy droplets."
^I loved the word "personified". It is one of my favorite words, and I don't see it too often. It adds a much deeper thought into the stanza. "raging with fire of icy droplets" I picture an ice storm. I know icy droplets can't rage with fire, but for this, it works, because when I read it, it's an image of a storm.
"Singing with your silence,
oh, what a wonderful sight..."
^Very effective way to end the poem. I don't too much care for the "..." at the end though. But it's good either way.
Overall, a very deep, and expressive poem. I enjoyed it very much.
It deserves a much higher rating.
5/5
~Lace
Burning Wings, Red Eye Kisses (10)
by NyellMoonlight
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-26
Short. Simple. Yet very elegant, and captivating.
"The mind sinks within tide of jasmine confessions
as the thoughts embrace an idea of emerald glances
enwrapped around naked digits that murmured;"
^Fantastic way to draw you in. This would be something I would want to read on the beach. I know that sounds odd, but it is so warming and sensual, that there would be no other place to want to read it than the beach! Weird. Yes.
"Addictive impurity consumes distant senses,
darkened past swallows whirlpools of winged promises
enticing kisses whispered around the midnight."
I have a suggestion for the second line of this stanza. Add "while" to the beginning of it. It goes better with the first stanza when you have "as".
"Ink stained fingertips are smudging across the auras
all those exquisite desires, elegant temptations
that implanted dreams into reality's glassy lace."
Two things. Second line, I think you should add "of" to the beginning. Sounds better to me. Effective though, with or without it. And also, MY NAME IS IN THIS STANZA! "Lace" lol Just thought I would point that out, it made me smile from ear to ear =)
"Hyacinths enslave my ephemeral fallacies,
absorbing halos with mesmerizing, bloodshot eyes,
as this melody seduces frail conscience, while"
OOOOh man, "absorbing halos" that gave me chills. I did not like the last line having "while" at the end of it. I think that should be at the beginning of the next stanza. That really threw me off.
"the mind sinks within tide of jasmine confessions
and the thoughts embrace an idea of emerald glances
merged with scarred yet submissive heart."
I liked the last line. "Scarred yet submissive heart" I have one of those. Being hurt, yet still so willing to be in love, and take the chance of getting broken again. You worded it superbly.
To me this isn't your best write, but for the poem in general, I enjoyed it.
Take care and keep writing!
~Lace
High Speed Connection (13)
by Lonely Little Dreamer
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-25
This poem is like no other I have read. I found it interesting, captivating, and a little unusual.
"Tick, tick, tick, goes the tapping of fingertips;
As the 3PM bomb approaches sweet climax.
Bam! Brief satisfaction.
Releasing institutionalized drones off to the world.
Single file they march, silent, they reach their goal;
Paying tribute to the time card god."
[This was the most unusual part of the poem. Very hard to figure out what it means. But that mystery is what makes it interesting. Everyone will see different visuals, and get different ideas from it, me- I just imagined an army of soldiers. Not sure if that is correct or not.]
"Regrouping at HOME base,
Forming average 4.5 families.
Self-absorbed husbands,
Buying lust off the interwebs.
Hideously picture perfect plastic wives,
Forced into pill popping frenzy, a cure for loneliness;
While their children are surviving,
Life lines attached to a virtual reality world."
[The only thing about this that I did not like was "home" being in caps. Usually caps is for some sort of dramatic effect, and I did not get that from this word. The rest of it, was fantastic. Describing the "picture perfect" family, but in reality, has horrid problems.]
"Viral syndrome: work, sleep, repeat;
Slowly depletes our creative potential.
Humanity failing, culture now lost."
[This was an okay stanza, not amazing like the one before it. To me it would sound better as
"Viral syndrome: work, sleep, repeat.
Slowly depleting from our creative potential.
Humanity failing, culture now lost."
Just a suggestion, your choice if you like it that way.]
"SYSTEM ERROR!
World crashing; in 3, 2, 1... "
[GAH. I loved the ending. You really do count down the "3, 2, 1". I can hear a beep for each number. Creative!]
For your first writing in a few months, it was pretty fantastic. I gave you my suggestions and thoughts.
I give the uniqueness a 5/5
=)
~Lace
Sunset Song (5)
by Krathia
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-25
Thoughts:
Stanza one:
Above the horizon hover sun-stained clouds
Like the combustion of childhood dreams
Beneath indigo skies the fireball shrouds
And mocks the lingering gold sunbeams
[^^Oh man that second line was amazing. The third line was probably my favorite. I love the word "indigo" and it is a more dramatic word for the color of the sky. Bravo]
Second stanza:
Heaven-lit Gateways of the West so amber
Brilliant with majesty glory-deep
Onwards, O Stunning One, to stardom and splendor
By cloud-reined carriage and gentle sleep
[^^on the third line "O Stunning One" I think it should be "Oh Stunning One". Just the "o" threw me off. But still a brilliant stanza]
LAST STANZA:
Calm twilight, so tranquil, like quiet embers
Subsisting within their last dying glow
Serenity, with grandeur gone, nightfall remembers
Childhood memories pale stars bestow
[^^Ah the perfect ending. So soft, yet still leaves a bang.]
My only suggestions were for the second stanza, that I already stated. And maybe adding some more punctuation for the dramatic effect. Some are bothered by no punctuaion, others don't mind. I do. But none the less, still and amazing, imaginative piece.
5/5
~Lace
Disabled Words within Inquisition (3)
by DarkSpirit
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-25
Alright, I didn't quite get this piece. I am a major fan of your work, but this wasn't your best.
The first stanza, in my eyes is the best. The words were very descriptive, and drew you in.
STANZA TWO:
"Words are lacerated;
they drip,
from,
an
apex;
fluxing from the scarlet gun
over the sky overgrown with hyacinths,
welkin is indexed by red characters
of my personal trading- ancient reflections of obsession-"
I did not like the beginning of the second stanza. I liked the words, just not the format. When I read something in that format, I expect there to be pauses after each word, and if that is how it is to be read, then this format does not work for those words.
THIRD STANZA:
I love it when people use the word "muse". This was a very inspirational stanza. Loved it.
Fourth stanza:
YAY! you used the word "poems" in your poem! Haha okay. Well this was a creative stanza towards the end. The beginning wasn't quite as good though. I think I just read it wrong.
LAST STANZA:
Great ending, not fantastic, but not poor. I think you should put "Waiting" in with the second line, and not make them two separate lines. It looks and sounds awkward the way it is. Just my opinion.
Overall, this was a good piece. Not your best work, but still enjoyable.
~Lace
I Am the One Who Mutilated the Sky (5)
by DarkSpirit
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-25
Wow, I must agree with NyellMoonlight on this piece. It was truely captivating, profound, and stunningly written.
[NyellMoonlight also picked the PERFECT title. It draws you in automatically before even reading the poem]
"- Misanthropy is my mother,
tutoress, mistake and a habit;-"
I must say bravo to this part. I love the word "Misanthropy" and the fact that it is a habit, just draws you in even more.
"- Bestial slaughter transformed into blame,
maybe -somewhere-
I didn't die regretting,-"
I see that you are using hyphens a lot. But I think they are a little over used in this part. I think you should take out the hyphens where "somewhere" is and add commas before and after the word. Just a suggestion.
"- Misanthropy is hereditable
illness, a disease...-"
The perfect ending. Makes it seem like an uncurable disease. One that is bitter-sweet.
Overall, this was a very good piece and deserves a much much higher rating.
Take care, and KEEP WRITING! =)
5/5
~Lace
Closure (29)
by Blissful
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-25
Jeez. I think I just fell in love. Seriously. I think this is by far, your best piece.
I think you should ignore what "RoadandtheRadio" said about the title. The title is perfect. It's simple, and you don't even know that she gets the Closure until the end of the poem. So you are not explaining too much of it in the title. You can easily get the impression that this is an in need of closure poem, rather than an actual receiving closure poem. So I definately think you should keep the title.
STANZA ONE:
Gah, you used the word "perplexed" I love that word. You don't often see that word being used, so bravo to that. This first stanza does explains so much, grabs you and reals you in, never to let you go. The last two lines blew my mind away.
STANZA TWO:
Again, ignore what "RoadandtheRadio" said. It is perfect the way it is. His/her version of this stanza is too short, and too typical for a poem like this. I love it just the way it is.
STANZA THREE:
Naming off all of the wonderful things they cannot do, but wish to, just makes this poem even more bittersweet. A romeo-and-juliet type love. [Although yours has a much more happy ending lol]
STANZA FOUR AND FIVE:
I do love how you automatically switched back to her view of being in the place she is in, rather than dwelling on the past. I think it would've been a bad choice to keep explaining the love they cannot have. You got that point across already, so I'm glad you switched it back. Fifth stanza was a great build up for the last one.]
LAST STANZA:
This is a great lesson for everyone. Although you've lost, you can still regain something. Misery is ugly, and there are more beautiful things to treasure in the world.
I finally suggest adding a little punctuation [just periods] at the ends, to know when sentences end, and others begin. Just my thoughts. Love it either way.
This truely was a magnificent poem. You should be really proud of it.
5/5
Take care and KEEP WRITING!
~Lace
Nightingale Dreams (2)
by Mark
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-24
HEY HUBBY!
Alright, let me tell you what I think.
Wait, haven't you already showed me this? I think you have, and I think I told you I loved it. Well, anyways I do.
But anyways, I suggest adding punctuation (like commas and periods and shtuff) People on this site tend to like those. It also helps to know when your sentences end and don't.
Some people will suggest capitalizing the first letter of each line also. For some reason it bugs people to not have that.
Anyways, I heart you.
~Your wifey.
Love Me? -Rictameter- (3)
by Nicole the Fairy
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-23
Alright, this poem is not going to be too long, because I did enjoy this. I have never heard of this style of writing, and I really REALLY liked it.
I do get the sense of longing to be with this person, and I think many people can relate to this poem. That's a good thing. People will often like a poem more if they can relate to it.
I do think if this was just a normal poem, the word "together" would've been used to much. But for this style, and the story line, it fit. Repeating it this way just shows how much you want it.
I also thought that it was very creative that the first and last lines were the same.
If you didn't notice, which I'm sure you did, The poems can be read backwards, or forwards. I think you should put both versions in this. The front way, and the back way. It shows that this poem is more unique.
Just a suggestion.
5/5 =)
~Lace
Children Eaters. (15)
by Cayce
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-23
NightmareChild is amazing. I just did a collab with her =)
This is a dark poem, but it amused me.
"Eyes are flicking around the still room.
I'm like an animal hunting for it's prey
Searching for the children with fright
The children who have been led astray"
[^^Fantastic first stanza. It is very creepy, and draws you in, in a sick twisted way]
"I call out, "Here Kiddie Kiddie kiddies."
My sweet voice is hypnotizing them
One by one the scared children arrive
They have been declared condemned"
[^^Not your typical wors to rhyme. Which is good. I can hear the voice in my ear, and it is hypnotizing.]
"My heart is throbbing faster and faster
Can't wait to taste their delectable fear
"My sweet children, come forth to me"
Is the last and only sound they'll hear "
[^^this was probably the most demented stanza. Especially the last two lines of it. It shows that the "murderer" is a real psychopath. Lol not saying you are though XD]
"She looks so scared, so small, so tiny
Oh! but the fear! It tastes so luscious!
I'm draining her dry; she's fading away
But my mind says she's so scrumptious"
[^^I didn't really like how you went from talking about multiple victims, to a specific one. I think if the "she's" were "they" it would sound better. Because in the beginning you were talking about more than one child, and it sounds a lot creepier when you talk about more than one. Just a suggestion]
"We're monsters, creatures of the dark
We don't hide but embrace ourselves,
We don't care what other people think
They are twisted freaks, themselves"
[I can see a visual of vampires with this stanza. This last stanza sounds like it could be song lyrics. Something by Marilyn Manson lol.]
Overall, I enjoyed this poem a lot. It's a lot different than most of the poetry out there, at least different than what I am used to reading. The rhymes aren't perfect, but I like it that way. They seem less forced.
5/5
~Lace
As I Burn (2)
by Alex Marlatt
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-23
Alright, this didn't really capture me. I get it, but I feel like I have read it before.
"I breathe in deep, as this fire consumes me,
This fire that blazes deep within my soul,
I breathe in deep, standing on the edge,
Cigarette smoke fills the air about me."
[^^The last line would sound better if it was "above" and not "about". I also didn't really like how you repeated "I breathe in deep", maybe change the second time to "Another deep breath" Just a suggestion]
"I close my eyes, falling forward; this fire is consuming me,
Free fall into the eternal abyss, I can still taste our last kiss,
This fire eats away at my remains, the broken shell of a man,
I am reminiscing on days that I cannot remember."
[This seems like it could be two stanzas, instead of one.
Like:
I close my eyes, falling forward;
this fire is consuming me,
Free fall into the eternal abyss,
I can still taste our last kiss.
This fire eats away at my remains,
the broken shell of a man,
I am reminiscing on days
that I cannot remember."
Something like that. I also think the last line of it contradicts itself. You cannot remenisce[sp?] on days that you cannot remember.
Something like "Trying to recall the days I cannot remember" Again, just another suggestion]
"This fire burns within, turning me to ash,
This fire called desire, desire for a time immemorial,
As I burn I gaze deep within my fractured soul,
Knowing that you are all that makes me whole. "
[Again, this seems like two stanzas, not one.
"This fire burns within,
turning me to ash,
This fire called desire,
desire for a time immemorial.
As I burn
I gaze deep within my fractured soul,
Knowing that you are all
that makes me whole."
And maybe you should repeat the word "all" just like you did "desire" {I liked that} so it would be
Knowing you are all,
all that makes me whole."
Again another suggestion, in my eyes the poem would look and sound better.]
Overall I gave it a 4/5.
Good storyline, but didn't hit home for me.
~Lace
Dark Side of the Sun (23)
by Cayce
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-23
Alright, here are my thoughts:
"Phantom whispers creep along walls,
Thoughts too disturbed to please ears."
[First two lines: I was immediately drawn into it. I love whispers creeping on walls. Creative. The second line, showed that there was going to be something rather disturbing about the poem (since "disturbed" was used lol) But the fact that the thoughts seemed too dark to hear, made it that way]
Twilight always seems to hide these-
Cryptic, camouflaged fears.
[3rd & 4th lines: I don't like the hyphen. It bugs me for some reason. Maybe if you took out the hyphen and changed "these" to "the".
Just a suggestion]
{I will do the 5th & 10th line last since they are repeaters}
"Silence screams secluded secrets.
Choking on stardust that gleams."
[6th & 7th lines: I loved the first line of this stanza. Some people say that line contradicts itself. But they have not heard true silence. Silence, can be the loudest thing you ever hear. So very creative.
The 7th line was unique. I've never heard that line. Plus, stardust is pretty, so choking on it's gleam, well, at least it's something pretty to choke on?]
"Lips sewed together, never to speak,
But ears still hear those screams."
[8th & 9th lines: Together, these two lines are perfect. It makes me think of someone who is insane. Hearing what they want to hear, even if no one is saying it.]
"Lethal words carried up to the moon,
The harsh sunlight will never be won.
Darkness wraps me up in it's arms.
Hope lies on the dark side of the sun. "
[I am going to do the last stanza as a whole. I think it goes better that way. Imagery in the first line was amazing. Like, perfect.
I think that "The dark side of the sun" does sort of contradict itself. But for some reason I'm okay with it. Because in a way, it's something I've never heard. It's new, and poetic (duh) sounds like a band name.]
"Let it be a haven for things left unsaid."
[5th & 10th lines: These were good. I like that it repeated. It gave it more of a beat. Also, those lines sort of sounded like a prayer. Odd. I like odd. Also, things that haven't been said, need some place to go! Even if it is the dark side of the sun.]
So, there are my thoughts. Enjoy! My only suggestion, that I can remember typing, was for the first line. If that helps, YAY, if not, I still enjoyed reading this. It was incredibly dark. LOVE THAT.
5/5
Take care, and keep writing.
~Lace
Dying To Feel Again (16)
by xLilMissFrostyx
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-22
Alright. I understand the story behind the poem, and what you were trying to get across. I have some suggestions for each stanza. So you know what I suggest, I will put my thoughts in "[ ]" brackets.
"Tears pooling...pooling in those aqua coloured eyes."
[Great first line. I like how you made the eye color aqua. It's a deeper blue, and adds more of a visual.]
"And it's ironic...so ironic that you can cry but you find it so hard to feel
[I think punctuation is needed for this line. After the word "cry" you should add a comma. It tends to add a pause effect.]
Each and every day has now just become a gesture of try fail and repeat
[I think you could deal without the word "just". I had to read it twice because that word slowed me down. Also, add commas after try and after fail. It separates the words, and looks better]
Obviously this life was meant for someone better, someone who isn't you
[Just a suggestion, but I believe it sounds better if you switch the wording around. Making it "This life was obviously meant for someone better, someone who isn't you."]
Close your tired eyes darling, maybe you should finally take your bow
[This line was amazing. It makes it sounds like and act she was putting on. I'm a theatre kid, and a writer, so this line was superb.]
STANZA TWO:
No don't want to give up just yet? Then time to rise, day is approaching
[I think the word "No" is unneeded. If you wish to keep it, I'd add a comma after it. The pause effect will separate it and give it more of an impact, and an attitude]
Make a move, it's time for that irritating task of try and fail, over and over
[For some reason, "over and over" slowed me down. As we know, this person is trying and failing. I putting "all over again" into it instead of "over and over". It makes more of an impression that this is her daily routine.]
Oh isn't it a shame no-one knows, if they did they might be able to help
["No-one" can be used as one word, or two. But there should not be a hyphen.]
But don't wish for that darling, for you know that you're all alone now
[I like how you keep explaining this person, and yet keep putting them down. Gives the poem attitude, and sass.]
"And the tears keep on running...messing up those pretty eyes..."
[the "..." effect is highly over rated. I see you want to make it like the first line. That seems to be the format of the poem, but I honestly think the "..." are useless for this line]
STANZA THREE:
Take a look around, what are you so determined to keep fighting for?
[I think the question would be better asked as "why" instead of "what" and remove the "for". So basically it would be "Take a look around, why are you so determined to keep fighting". Just a suggestion]
Do you truthfully really believe that anyone even gives a damn anymore?
[Truthfully and really together make this line read slow. You should have one or the other, but not both.]
Didn't think so honey, tired of watching you try and fail, try and fail
[I like how you called her "honey". Made it sound like you are taunting her with her try and fail tendancies.]
Don't know who you are, if you don't recognize yourself, how can they?
[This seems like two questions to me. So it would be "Don't know who you are? If you don't recognize yourself, how can they?"]
STANZA FOUR:
It's getting old, now like a broken record; how terribly cliche of you
[Cliche is probably one of my favorite words. I also love the metaphor of records. They are old.]
Let's do it again, seems you're trying hard to win but you always fail
[Just think you should add a comma after "win". For the pause effect.]
Remember those years way back, mummy's hugs fixed everything?
[I liked this line. It is very relateable to a lot of people. They think back to the times when moms used to make all the pain go away. Creative. And saying "mummy" adds the taunting effect again.]
When things seemed so simple, believed fairy tales really did come true?
[I think "believed" should be changed to "when". Sounds better to me for the question. Again, another relateable statement. Those days were easier.]
STANZA FIVE:
It's not so simple anymore, when did your world become so harsh?
[Ah, another relateable line. This makes you stop and think of better times. Takes you back to way back when. good job]
Funny how tears run down your face yet you're completely numb inside
[Add a comma after "face". Another pause effect. You explain this person so much like a faker, and that adds anger to the reader. Provoking emotions.]
There's too much to handle now, if only you could be five years old again
[YES. One of the best lines. An "I don't want to grow up" sort of thing.]
When you laughed, smiled, giggled, cried...when you truly felt something
[Again, no suggestions for this.]
"Close your tired eyes darling, maybe you should finally take your bow"
[Perfect ending. I like how this line was repeated in the beginning and at the end. This is one of the most anger provoking lines. It made me feel frustrated with this person. Wanting to tell them to get over it! Stop faking! YOUR ACT IS UP! SHOWS OVER! Honestly, that's how it felt.]
-------------------
I don't know if this helped you at all, I know there wasn't many suggestions, but I did tell you what I liked, and things that MAY make the poem look or sound better, at least in my eyes. The comma effect it something I love to use. Some writers though, just look past it and think it doesn't matter. But to some of us, punctuation is key to a poem.
I hope I helped. Sorry this was so long.
Your rating is a 5/5 for this. The suggestions I made were just in my opinion. Without them, it does not change how I viewed this poem. It is a story, and a great one. It jerked my emotions, which means it IS good.
Take care and keep writing.
~Lace~
Painting The Depths Of Your Soul (3)
by LARISSA is my name but call me jade
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-22
Okay, I am going to go through every stanza and give you my thoughts. I will put them in "[ ]" brackets.
"When your born, all whole and pure,
You're a clean slate, a blank page.
As the years unfold, your colors begin to show.
You learn all about yourself, and who you really are.
You learn your souls true colors."
[Great introduction. It doesn't grab your attention immediately, but it does keep you interested in learning the colors of your soul]
Red, is love.
Splash some red onto your heart.
Its always a great place to start.
The love you feel from family, friends, and romance.
Love will carry you through your life,
As long as you have a thick coat of red, your soul is secure.
[Great explanation of Red. It is our souls most favored color.]
Orange, is friendship.
Throw in some Orange, but not too much.
Orange is rare, as true friends seem to be.
Don't misjudge orange and put too much, in time it may fade away.
Friends brighten our lives and keep our souls content.
[Orange is something we don't want to take advantage of. You got that point across very well]
Yellow, is happiness,
Toss in tons of yellow,
You can't ever have enough happiness.
Yellow will brighten even the darkest of days.
Happiness carries your soul through all pain.
It gives your strength to be yourself, it brings you to smile.
[Yellow is happiness. One thing that needs fixed. In the last line, it should be "it gives you strength" there is an unneeded "r" in there]
Blue, is sadness.
Use it sparingly, not too much, not too little.
We all have some blue in our hearts, some more then others.
After time the blue will fade and heal, but we never forgetthat its there.
Sometimes blue tricks us into believing its out only color, don't listen.
[I think you should remove the gap between
the use it sparingly line, and the we all have some blue in our hearts line. Also there needs to be a space between "forget" and that". Also. in the last line of this stanza, it should be "our" not "out".]
Blue, is sadness.
Use it sparingly, not too much, not too little.
We all have some blue in our hearts, some more then others.
After time the blue will fade and heal, but we never forgetthat its there.
Sometimes blue tricks us into believing its out only color, don't listen.
[In the third line of this, it should be "green" not "greem". too bad it is the color of envy, green is my favorite color.]
Violet, is relaxation.
Put in heaps of violet, you need this color always.
It keeps your mind clear and your nerves calm.
It can carry you through the most stressful of days.
Sometimes we forget how important violet truely is,
Never forget relaxation is medicine for your soul.
[There needs to be a gap between "Violet is relaxation" and the explanation of it. If there isn't, then it makes it look sloppy because that's how every other color stanza is.]
Black, is anger.
Try your best to leave black out of your heart and off your masterpiece.
It's rage can suck you in, making your colors disappear.
It has the ability to overpower you, very easily.
It knows how to make you think you have no red, or orange, or even yellow.
It takes over your heart and soul.
Don't let that happen.
[In the third line, there should be a space between "over" and "power". But you are completely right about black]
Now we know our hearts true colors,
And how it effects our souls.
We must remember how important it is, to let our colors flow together.
Don't tend to one more then another, for each one helps make us whole.
Remember each day your thoughts are a paintbrush,
painting the depths of your soul.
[Fantastic finish. Very artistic]
What I liked about this, is it IS different. It seems like a color horoscope to me. Which is a very creative thing to write. Makes you wonder if our souls were a painting, what colors would be on the canvas the most?
Great topic to write about.
5/5
*You said in your thread to leave a title for the 1 for 1, so can you please do "The Storm (collab)" Thanks.
~Lace
Muse-ic To My Ears (10)
by Melpomene
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-22
I can see how this is dark poetry. It is dark, but not in the way people tend to perceive dark poetry. It doesn't seem to be about death or that, but more of and inspirational piece. That would be what a muse is, inspiration. This poem is unique. Expecially the title. I LOVE the title. Very creative.
FIRST AND LAST STANZA'S:
"Well,
darkness never;
felt so inspiring."
"Oh
how,
darkness never;
felt so inspiring
-Muse your not going anywhere."
I don't like the format of them. I think the semi-colons are completely unneeded and threw me off. Also, in the first one, I think you can do without the word "well".
Something like
"Darkness never felt so inspiring"
A line like that draws me in, because I question myself, wondering how the heck can darkness be inspiring? But it can, which is shown in this poem.
SECOND STANZA:
"Sympathy to you're lips of wax,
Caution dazzles within eyes,
[^^This second line amazes me. It gives me a visual of someone with caution, and fear in their eyes.]
Muttering metaphors to twilight,
Tasting a hollow imagination."
The last line really wow-ed me. Making me think, "Hollow imagination, is that even possible?" Making me think and ponder shows extreme talent.]
THIRD STANZA:
Blaze attire to particles of dust,
Clip cypress crown to never vanish,
Chant inspiration to rushing ears,
Grounded mutilated upon my shoulder.
[^^ The third line in this is the best. That is what a "muse" does, it whispers inspiration into the ears of others. The fact that you know that, and made it into a poem, shows creativity.]
LAST LINE:
"-Muse your not going anywhere."
[^^ It should be "you're" not "your". Also, I think you should add a comma after "Muse", it adds the pause effect and makes it more dramatic.
This line also represents that you like the muse, the dark inspiration]
A good read, I enjoyed it.
5/5
Take care and keep writing.
~Lace
Rise Against The Roadside (27)
by Normal is the Watchword
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-22
I hope you like honest comments.
Again, this poem did not do anything for me. The first line did not draw me in. While your vocabulary used was superb, this poem did not hit me anywhere.
I think you should change the format a little, to help with the flow of it. There are some lines that should continue on on that same line, but don't.
EXAMPLE:
"For passion tricked, tricked those of whom
Embraced, then discard in frozen arms"
I feel as though that is one sentence. But of course you would have to change the entire format of the poem. If you just changed that part, it would look odd. That was just a suggestion.
The title did however, go with the poem.
But the poem did nothing for me though. Still a good write for other people, but not me.
4/5
Withdrawal (8)
by shawn hoskins
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-22
I think this is a very relateable poem. The rhymes don't seem forced, but are still a little amature. My earlier work is like that, it takes time. But the fact that you wrote it, means something. I think you should change the format of it. It is easier to read, gives it structure, and is more ellegant, and creative.
This is a good way to do it:
"Addiction is awful
I'm so full of doubt
withdrawal is something
I never took the time to think about.
I sit here trembling
seems I have the shakes
I need something to calm my nerves
I've had about all of this I can take.
I hide the pain inside
so very well
those closest to me don't even know
I'm going through this hell.
I'll just take another sleeping pill
to get me through the night
I just want to be normal
but I feel hopeless with no end in sight"
Also, capitalizing your I's is very important. Proper grammer and spelling is important to a lot of writers, and people will down rate if they see this. Try adding in some punctuation, like more commas and periods at the ends of sentences. It cleans up well.
5/5 for the story of the poem.
Snowmen in Summer (6)
by Jaymes Haze
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-21
Interesting story line. The thing with poems like this, is the questions actually make you think. You ponder on the same questions as if you are asking yourself, not just the author asking his/herself.
You are here, breathing, living, whether you feel like it or not.
The first and third stanzas are very similar, which is a good thing.
Nothing seemed forced in it, like most poems like this are.
Possible titles:
"Existance"
"What Reality Never Answers"
"Nothing is Something"
"Questionable Existance"
"The Five Senses"
Just some random ones I thought of.
5/5
[you said to leave a title in the comment box, so the poem I want r/r/c on is:
"The Storm (collab)"]
Thanks.
13 To young to die (58)
by Luanne
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-15
This was... fantastic, sad, tear jerking, everything a good poem should be.
This story has never happened to me, nor do I know anyone who it as happened to, but I am still deeply truely sorry.
At the ending of the poem, with your authors note, it reminded me of a play I once did. "The Laramie Project"
If you haven't heard of it, it is a play based on the true story of Matthew Shepard, a gay kid beaten to death. There are tons more details, but I won't get into them.
Anyways, this is an exerpt from what Matthews father said to one of the killers during trial:
''I wouId Iike nothing better than to see you die, Mr. McKinney. However, this is the time to begin the heaIing process. To show mercy to someone who refused to show any mercy. Mr. McKinney, I am going to grant you Iife, as hard as it is to do so, because of Matthew. Every time you ceIebrate Christmas, a birthday, the Fourth of JuIy, remember that Matt isn't. Every time you wake up in your prison cell remember you had the opportunity and the abiIity to stop your actions that night. You robbed me of something very precious and I wiII never forgive you for that. Mr. McKinney, I give you Iife in the memory of someone who no longer lives. May you have a Iong Iife, and may you thank Matthew every day for it.''
This poem of yours reminded me of that. And I really don't even know what to say.
I give you
97898475983746 out of 5
=)
New Beginnings (Rap) (7)
by Luanne
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-07
I don't like rap music at all, but I would've loved to hear a beat with this. It's ver emotional for a rap piece.
Sorry this comment isn't going to be "helpful" or long, but I didn't find anything wrong with this.
"rid your heart, of hate
wise up, get it straight"
^ my favorite part.
This seems to give hope. Like someone reading this could finally realize that they can start over, that they don't need to feel the bad way that they do.
And I like that. =)
5/5
Save Me Please (22)
by shinigami
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-17
For your first poem it is rather good. I see how this is a "dark poem" because it is so mysterious, that it could be about anything. Although I would reccommend putting it in the "explicit poems" under "abuse"
because it seems like an abusive poem.
Also, in the titile I suggest making it "Save Me Please" and not capitolizing the other letters. It looks very amature and like you are not taking it seriously if it is the way it is now.
Anyways, I did enjoy how the poem told the story.
5/5
Hunger (9)
by Lemma
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-09
This was very sweet. I do have a few suggestions.
"To feel the rhythm,
Of your heart.
Be together,
And not apart."
For that stanza, I think you should add on the third line "To"
so it would be
"To feel the rhythm,
Of your heart.
To be together,
And not apart."
I think it helps the flow of that stanza.
And one other suggestion
"To be kept safe,
All through the night.
To hear you tell me
We'll be alright."
Maybe put quotation marks around the last line, because it is something someone said.
Either way, this was a great poem. other than the first suggestion I made, the flow ran perfectly, which is good. It helped to make the poem sound more genuine, and heart-felt.
=)
5/5
An Apple a Day Will Keep the Doctor Away (18)
by Cayce
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-09
Alright, I think the flow was actually rather good. I have a few suggestions:
"Your body is to be starved and abused, make it into the perfect mold"
That is the only line that knocked off the flow for me. I think it sounds better (with the flow) as
"Your body is to be starved and abused, made into the perfect mold"
Sounds better (to me) as that.
Also, in the last stanza, you have the word "preform"
The correct spelling is "perform".
Just thought you should know that.
Also, I think adding some punctuation at the end of some lines would be a good idea. (like periods, and commas).
The subject of the poem was good, great story. =)
5/5
Another Page in the Notebook (4)
by Romancing the Darker Side
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-07
Now this was much sadder. It sounds as though it was either about parents, or a signifigant other. Fighting is never good.
And I agree, sprinkles are good, we all need a little drama in our lives, but there is only so much we can take.
The last lines were my favorite.
5/5
Memories That Fade Like Photographs (24)
by Blissful
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-07
Wow. I loved this. The title by the way, is amazing.
"His eyes are what attracted her; alluring
Exotic color always captivates and tempts "
favorite part. you seem to have great passion in your writings. This did not seem too much of a sad poem.
I mean, I see how it can be sad, because of loss, but the way it is written, the story told, does not seem that sad.
She seems to be holding on to these memories, which seem enjoyable.
I understand how memories can sometimes fade, but we must do our best never to forget, because sometimes, our memories our all we have.
the ending was great, it was like the punchline to a joke. not in a funny way, but i mean because of the impact it brings on.
5/5
Female Destiny (6)
by BurriedFaceDown
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-02-27
I really hope this isn't true! If it is, I am sorry. This is incredibly sad regardless.
"This is my entire marriage is my father's fault"
it should be
"This entire marriage is my father's fault"
you had some unneeded words in there.
Great, but sad write!
5/5
To Amira (7)
by Beautiful Forever
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-02-25
Apparently you really love this girl! No doubt about it.
The rhyming technique went well with the flow, so can't complain about that.
"I hold you to sleep, and listen to you breathe,
I hold you in my arms and cannot believe,
The burning sensation flowing inside,
Coursing through my body, nothing can hide,"
That was my favorite part.
You can definately feel ever fiber of love you feel from each line in this poem.
5/5
Lucid Designs (15)
by NyellMoonlight
commented by
Lace ( F P C D )
at 2008-02-21
Word choice was amazing. i have 2 thoughts
"with ivies enwrapped around the heart, peacefully
touching senses with vivid grace,"
maybe change it to
"with ivies enwrapped around the heart, peacefully touching senses with vivid grace,"
it looks much better as that. and makes the flow better.
also
"Verdant magic within single kiss"
change it to
"Verdant magic within a single kiss"
i think it sounds much better.
other than that, i enjoyed this!
5/5
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