Sick Pt. 2 (7)
by Steven Topaz
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-10-06
Great continuation of the first part. I really liked how you tied the first stanza with the last, that is the works of a great mind when it comes to poetry. Now I know this is a continuation from the first, but I didn't like the constint repetition in this one. You used the word "sick" way too much in my opinion, perhaps in some spots you could use a synynom for it.
I personally think this could've been a little better if you reworded the first line in each stanza on the first portion of this so it read something like this, "In our final hours..." and then after the middle portion, you could go into, "In our sick world dying daylight," Just a suggestion which I think would make it a little better, again in my opinion.
Overall this was a great continuation from the first part. Keep up the good work, and keep on writing.
Peace, Joe
Stop the willow from weeping. (12)
by Valedico
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-19
Danny, original and unique, I enjoyed this read from you. What an emotional heartfelt write that you produced. I do have a few suggestions though...
I liked the use of alliteration throughout this piece, it was very nice. I do agree with Norhan however about 'calling' I don't think it is need three times, although it does bring me back to the first line with the ccc repetitive nature of it. So I don't know that is kind of a toss up for me.
I would seperate the first two lines from the rest, for as Norhan mentioned it doesn't flow right, it just kind of stops and then goes again.
I would break it up like so...
'I watched clouds chasing clouds;
it was a mimicry of those mornings.
An illusion of sunshine, cracked,
blemishing the lake, with the
fusion of light and liquid;
on the roof -- there was
a monarchy of song-birds.
Calling...calling...calling
the willow which wept
over my head, where the
foolish boy in me, had carved
a vow; of sorts.
Oh now my thoughts stir,
as I wonder whilst I wander.
Stop my dizzy head from dreaming;
stop the willow from weeping.'
The rest is fine in my opinion and can hold merit on it's own the way it is. I don't really like the use of 'o'er' in this piece for it is a bit archaic and besides whilst, you really don't have that type of language within this poem. Might want to fix that, just a suggestion of course.
Overall, a heartfelt write. You did a good job Danny, keep up the excellent work my friend.
Peace, Joe
Heavenly Love (7)
by sluvious
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-07
Bob, nice write, congratulations on the win for the challenge, now, on to business...
'Heavenly Love'
^Enjoyed the title, but it felt too cliched for me. I'm sure someone with your intellegence could've produced something more original for the title.
Throughout the whole poem I didn't see one once of punctuation. I feel puncuation is extreamly inportant in poetry, for it lets the reader know when to pause or stop as well as adding to the overall flow.
I also noticed you had a nice Rhyme scheme through out the poem except for the first stanza. I found that to be quiet odd and throw off the flow and rhythm with the rest.
'A withered soul
battered horrendously
black and blue
swirls bloody sea'
^Not too keen on your choice of wording in the second line, perhaps wording it differently would make it sound better? Just a suggestion. Something as simple as changing it to, 'battered repulsively' makes it that much stronger in my opinion.
same with 'black and blue' it is a great description, but so oftenly used, couldn't you think of something metaphorically to describe that better?
I did like your idea of the last line though, found it to be unique and original. Nice Job.
'waves of distinction
splash upon thy brow
refreshing bliss
though painful now
o'er yonder, rainbows glisten
ye pot of gold so far away
whilst gentle strokes promise survival
thoughts of love shant ever stray'
^Quick question first:
'thy brow'
'o'er yonder'
'whilst'
'shant'
You have archaic language here but it doesn't seem to appear in the rest of the poem? Perhaps separate it from the other stanzas a bit to make it clearer? Just a suggestion.
'yet distance humbles raging hearts
and calm waters chill said tide
life is Barnum's merry-go-round
which few never learn to ride'
^You don't need the 'and', it would be so much more powerful without it.
'atop a wooden horse, one sits high
frantically reaching for the sky.....'
^Loved this part, flowed right off my tounge and had great imagery.
'***Independence may set you free, but you'll always be a slave to reality'
^Nice ending, to a well written peice of poetry. Nice Job!
Peace, Joe
Charles (6)
by AJ xXx RTVW xXx
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-04
Okay, so I am going to analyze/critique this piece a little differently than I have commented in the past. First I'll give a brief review of what I thought, then I'll go deeper into detail.
Well written piece of poetry, I enjoyed the read. I liked the simplicity in this piece, but would've liked to see some metaphors or a little bit of complexity mixed in there. It isn't always about simplistic-ness mixed with some complexity, but I feel that with some added, this poem can be a whole nother demension in deepth. I liked you use of imagery, very well constructed for one to see. Nice write, keep up the excellent work AJ, and thank you for entering the challenge.
*A side note, please forgive me if I repeated something, or mistakenly mispelled something for this is very long.*
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-Content-
1) Speaker: From what I've read I believe your focalization is written in a third-person omniscient narrative, which historically is the most common used when writing. Although you don't directly mention a time period for this piece, I'm thinking around the mid 1960's - since the poem indicates he is still alive and on stage (unless of course it is a tribute to him).
2) Tone: The tone has a happy/expressive feeling to it. By using this tone, it creates beautiful imagery for the reader to hold and take in. Your dictation influences the understanding of the tone, for example, '-His audience cheers-' The tone of the poem doesn't change as the poem progresses, which is good and bad. It's good because it is consistant in tone. It is bad because I would've liked to perhaps see the tone evolve, or build-up. Overall the tone as I mentioned is very consistant from top to bottom.
3) Tension: I liked how you used different types of punctuation. By using the dash in, '-His audience cheers-' it shows a pause, both in the begining and end, which greatly intensifies the read. The way this is written I tend to feel this is more of an inspirational piece than anything else.
4) Context: Being that this was written in this day and age, you were very consistent with the literary conventions of this time period. As I mentioned above, I would think this is more of an inspirational piece than anything else, however, I'm sure it can be interpreted in several ways.
-Language-
1) Word Choice: I think you chose your wording very carefully and thought it through. It is very simplistic, but is very inspirational in aspect. Your word choice in my opinion is conversational which hits the reader on a deeper level, leaving an lasting imprint more than a formal write would.
2) Meaning: Pretty self explanatory! I can go and pick apart the meanings of each of your words, but I won't because it won't acheive anything in the long-run.
3) Rhythm: Your rhythm was good, could've in my opinion been a little better though. Overall the flow was good and the meaning was distinct, good Job.
-Imagery-
1) Visuals and Sensory: If I read this piece litereally, then you have the cheer of the crowd that gives you chills for your excellent musical production given via Ray Charles. You can visualize very clearly what is about to happen or take place.
2) Metaphor: I really couldn't see a metaphor in this piece of poetry. I could be missing something, but I just think this is not a metaphorical poem, it is more inspirational lacking the complexity that I think would've struck home for the readers on a deeper level, but perhaps that's just me.
3) Symbolism: The imagery in this piece was great, it really portrayed Ray Charles greatly. Not a whole lot I can really say here.
-Form-
1) Structure: The poem is well structured. There is no specific form you are using; however, it was well constructed. I did like your choice of chosing to use dashes in certian places.
2) Stanzas and Lines: Pretty consistant in length, however some lines were a bit shorter than others, would've liked to see it a bit equal unless you were trying to emphisis something.
3) Rhyme Scheme: There is no 'real' rhyme scheme in which I can find, which is fine since this is a blank/free verse. Lately I myself have been trying to steer away from rhyme schemes, yes they help to a certian degree, however, you can acheive just as much without one. Just like you did with this piece, great work.
-Syntax-
1) Verbs: You did a great job at keeping the tense consistent which isn't always needed in poetry, but in this piece, I felt it was. Overall good use of verbs to connect your wording and story.
2) Sentence Structure: The structure of your sentences are good, not a lot I can really say here, since it is pretty concreate and well structured.
3) Punctuation: Fantastic use of punctuation in this piece, it really gives this poem that extra little kick that it needed while reading it. Nice work.
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Overall a wonderful write, I am impressed in the simplistic-ness of this write - which holds such deep meaning and truth behind Ray Charles.
Peace, Joe
Hush (6)
by Valedico
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-03
Okay, so I am going to analyze/critique this piece a little differently than I have commented in the past. First I'll give a brief review of what I thought, then I'll go deeper into detail.
WOW, just wow, this piece was very well written. I liked the simplicity in this piece, not too simplistic, but not too complex, keep up the great work. I liked you use of imagery and your choice of wording was fantastic. You have a lot of talent Danny, keep up the great work and I'll be sure to keep reading.
*A side note, please forgive me if I repeated something, or mistakenly mispelled something for this is very long.*
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-Content-
1) Speaker: The particular persona of this piece is a split view in my opinion. The main persona being 'you' as your wording indicates, but on the side, there are a few hints to 'you' being a part of nature hence the category you entered this poem in. From what I've read I believe your focalization is in the first-person. And although you don't directly mention a time period for this piece, I'm thinking a majority of people will think, present day, since the poem indicates this takes place presently and not in the past due to the wording. By knowing your reasonings behind the context of this poem, it changes the attitude of the speaker; so really one' can read it differently than another, and take in a whole other deepth to the poem.
2) Tone: The tone has a loving feel to it. By using this tone, it creates beautiful imagery for the reader to hold and take in. Your dictation influences the understanding of the tone, for example, 'there's a hint of smile right there in your eyes...' The tone of the poem doesn't change as the poem progresses, which is good and bad. It's good because it is consistant in tone. It is bad because I would've liked to perhaps see the tone evolve, or build-up. Overall the tone as I mentioned is very consistant from top to bottom.
3) Tension: I enjoyed how you repeated the begining at the end. Re-using the word 'hush' struck home for the reader and tied in nicely with the title. The way this piece is written I tend to think it is an distant love even though it is not mentioned that it is distant. A distant love though the beauty of nature is implied within the piece to take place. In my opinion this piece is very emotional and spirtual in aspect.
4) Context: Being that this was written in this day and age, you were very consistent with the literary conventions of this time period. In a way I think this poem can have several themes, depending on the reader and how it is interpreted. Personally I can see this as being linked to society as a whole, nature, love, and so forth.
-Language-
1) Word Choice: I think you chose your wording very carefully and thought it through. It is very simplistic, but at the sametime there are some hints of complexity, which I enjoyed. Your word choice in my opinion is conversational which hits the reader smacking them in the face, leaving an lasting imprint more than a formal write would.
2) Meaning: By using the words hush, sh, and silence, it reinforces the fact that you were talking about the beauty that love holds within. At first I thought this poem was about 'Silence' due to your title, but then once read I realised the piece was more about a 'love' I had to read this piece several times before it clicked that you were writing about several different things at the sametime; love, nature, society, life in general, etc.
The poem is a connotation in my eyes since it has several meanings lieing behind it. This is the type of heartfelt art that I enjoy to see. You can say the wording of of this poem is very literal, but if looked upon deeper it becomes metaphorical I believe.
I can go and pick apart the meanings of each of your words, but I won't because it won't acheive anything in the long-run.
3) Rhythm: You have a distinct rhythm in this piece but it isn't a distinct meter. Overall it was good, may have been better - but due to the context and meaning behind this poem it didn't really bother me.
You syllable count is pretty consistant, but it does flex a little going from a higher syllable count to a smaller syllable count, which in return can throw off the overall flow.
-Imagery-
1) Visuals and Sensory: If read this piece litereally, then you have the sound of calm breaths from your lover amidst the still and beautiful night. You can visualize very clearly what is about to happen or take place via your excellent use of lexis.
2) Metaphor: I believe this whole write is an extended metaphor for life in general. 'the moon is keeping our
secrets' resembles the government in my opinion keeping secrets from the general public. 'see how the stars wink at us they know of our presence.' representing the other counties knowning more about us than we ourselfs do. I can on and on, it's a never-ending cycle in which can be interepreted many different ways I believe (just depends on how one reads it), but this is one of the interpretations I took out of your write.
I mean the poem can be read literally or metaphorically. I read it literally the first few times, then I tryed to look deeper and pull out a metaphorical reasoning behind what you wrote.
3) Symbolism: As I just stated above, I think this can be interpreted as life in general. The symbols you used to create your imagery helps create an allegory in my opinion since it has to do with political background (as I interpreted above).
-Form-
1) Structure: The poem is well structured. There is no specific form you are using; however, it was well constructed. I did like your choice of chosing to use '...' in certian places. Other than that, there really is a whole lot I can say about the structure.
2) Stanza and Lines: The problem I had with your stanzas/verses is the fact that the length was not consistant. You went from having 9 lines to 7 to 10. I mean it isn't 'necessary' for them to be consistant since this is more of a blank/free verse, but I just figured I'd make a mention of it anyways.
3) Rhyme Scheme: There is no 'real' rhyme scheme in which I can find, which is fine like I mentioned above since this is a blank/free verse. Lately I myself have been trying to steer away from rhyme schemes, yes they help to a certian degree, however, you can acheive just as much without one. Just like you did with this piece, great work.
-Syntax-
1) Enjambment: Your lines are broken in all different ways, but I find in your writing the most common way for you is to create an enjambment while some are end-stopping. But by using an enjambment, it creates a duality of meaning in the lines which is excellent. So much more meaning can be taking from using that format. However, I didn't really see that in this piece your wrote which was shock for me.
2) Verbs: You did a great job at keeping the tense consistent which isn't always needed in poetry, but in this piece, I felt it was. Overall good use of verbs to connect your wording and story.
3) Sentence Structure: The structure of your sentences are good, but through out the piece it was like a big running fragement, it needs some form of punctuation. However, due to the nature of this poem I fell it is okay since everything is running together much like ponderings do from time to time. That's just my opinion of course.
4) Punctuation: Could've been better as I mentioned above, but the overall use of punctuation was greatly used (from what you did use), and in some cases even added to the poem, since it makes the reader pause and stop at certian spots as well as adding to the overall flow.
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Overall a wonderful write Danny, I am impressed in the simplistic-ness of this write - which holds such deep meaning and truth behind life and love.
Peace, Joe
Terminus (2)
by Valedico
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-07-27
Danny, wonderful write as always.
First I am going to break apart the poem, line by line/stanza by stanza in some cases. Then I'll comment on the poem as a whole. Figured I'd do my commenting a little differently this time.
I know you do everything for a reason, as do most poets, but these are my opinions and that is all. I hope you like my honesty, for that's all I'm trying to be, blantly honest and straight-foward.
Okay anyways, on to the comment...
'Terminus'
^Loved your title. Instead of doing something cliche such as 'The end of the road' or 'the end' you made it unique and interesting.
'I've felt pain you know -'
^No, I don't know, but now I do. But seriously, everyone feels pain at some point in time, wheather you feel it now or not doesn't mean you haven't in the past.
'the kind of pain'
^When I read poetry, I break apart the lines and see if they make sence on there own. This doesn't! I personally think you should have connected this line 'the kind of pain' with the next, 'which inhabits you;' to finish your thought. Just an idea. I also think you should use a period here instead of a semi colon.
'the kind of pain
you're unable to
inhibit'
^Okay, I see where you are going here with the repetition, but like stated above, I think this poem would be stronger and more concrete if you finish your thought in one line. Start this line freash as a new sentance.
'perhaps, though'
^Not so sure about the pause you have here with the comma. Use a semi colon instead of the comma here. I think it is much better over all that way. And change though to a synonym like however.
'I don't want to limit
or restrict it'
^Restrict 'it'? What is 'it'? Be more descriptive, 'it' doesn't really tell what you are talking about. I know you can do better than this Danny. Perhaps find a different way of talking about the pain, use a synonym, or simply revise the way you worded the stanza/line. Again, end this with a period, you are running too much together as one.
'what if I desire to
nourish my body with it;
allow it to be manifest
for my being?'
^Start this stanza as a new sentance. And again, what is 'it'? You have to re-enfoce what you are talking about in this peice with better describers than 'it' Just my opinion of course.
'Gratification won't
exist when it's sobbed
from me; but rather
when it's
lifted.'
^I liked the use of 'gratification' in this stanza. Like I've mentioned above a few times, I think your poem would benefit from having your ideas/thoughts finish in one line rather than just broke up.
'Writing merely
shifts it;'
^Again what is 'it'? Be more descriptive.
'and if I choose
pain as my profession
I am a poet.'
^Interesting portion of this poem. To think that one would say they are a poet because they choose pain as a profession. I would have to say, I did pause while reading in this, but there are no pause marks such as a comma. I would suggest you put a comma after profession.
'Lie between comfortable
lines
blink and you've missed it.'
^Again an interesting part of this stanza. Not sure if I really liked the way you ended it or not Danny.
Overall I felt as though you broke up the lines in the stanzas to make the poem feel longer; I don't think your poem benefited from that at all, of course that's my opinion. I do fell that this was a nice write, but with more work it could've been fantastic. Not one of your best writes, I know you can do better than this as a writer.
I liked how in the first stanza you reversed the thoughts of 'inhibit' which was interesting to read, I actually enjoyed seeing that, for it was something unique and well thought out.
The overall meaning behind this poem was good and well thought out, but the structure of this piece could've distributed that feeling much more in my opinion if just reworded or fixed a little bit. But nonetheless, a wonderful write.
Keep up the good job and stay dedicated. You are an excellent writer with a gift.
Peace, Joe
Incomplete. (9)
by Novalyn Grace RR
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-07-13
Novalyn, I am speachless, this piece was amazing. I can't help but smile and think of the beauty that lies within this piece of poetry. It is full of emotion and depth inwhich the reader can embrace and relate to. Nice work, now on to my comment on the rest of the piece.
'Days are folding over night...'
^Wow, Novalyn, this was a great start to your poem. You're wording was excellent, one usually doesn't think of days folding to night, yet, your description was spot on with imagery. This part reminds me much of 'folding' or 'kneading' dough, as it is turns from dough to pastry. Nice wording again, I can just say so much about this one piece of the first line, but I won't since there is more to comment about.
'...with the creases of a map,'
^This protion greatly defines the distance that lies between the two people/places as the use of 'map' indicates. The usage of 'creases' shows that this 'map' has been 'folded' which goes back to the first portion of this line in a way. Creases also indicates that it's been overtime that 'the roads have been closed, but now they are open again for travels' In better terms, your heart has re-opened for this person to travel amongst. Just my opinion of course.
'traveling my sun to your window,'
^This part enforces my interpretation since you are saying, 'my sun' meaning you obviously, traveling to 'your window' or his window. It shows that you are willing to travel the distance (as I've stated above) to be with this person. Fantastic choice of words to portray this.
'in a casual 'good morning.''
^Great way to end this stanza/verse, it shows the tone of this piece as being 'casual' yet unique at the sametime. Nice Job!
'I wonder what you see when you stop dreaming.'
^I often wonder the same, what do I see? haha, no but really, this is a statement yet at the sametime a question which I think is fantastic in poetry, it makes the reader stop and ponder for a moment. In this case I would assume (based on my interpretation and already reading Dannys poem) that he would see you.
'I long to rest my head,...'
^Often many people do long to rest their head upon 'a shoulder' of 'Comfort' (which goes back to Danny's title Comfort).
'...but the heaviness of time'
^However as mentioned in the rest of the line, time is a burden inwhich pushes you down and down giving you an obstacle for you (and him) to find a way around it and progress foward. For with time, time will reveal.
'has set itself atop my crown,'
^Which gives you a burden to carry as I've mentioned above.
'burying its hands into my brow.'
^Considering you are taking place as nature in this poem I would assume by 'brow' you mean a hilltop, but if that's not the case and you mean your eyebrow, then I don't really think that is the right word to use to describe the hands of time being burried.
'This length ahead of me is static and uncertain.
I'm less afraid of the distance and more afraid
of being forgotten, really.'
^Long distance relationships are often hard, but worth the fight if you truely love eachother. Uncertainty will always be a factor, as will being afraid of being forgotten, but that all changes once you both meet. The relationship is brought to the next level and it starts to blossum even more. Personally, I'm just talking from personal experience. Great stanza which I'm sure a lot of people can relate to.
'There was once a time I was left by the back door,
wondering how I'd changed so nonchalantly. Being left
alone is only half of what happens when a love is jilted.
The rest moves silent and slow throughout your body,
until at last: you want to leave yourself for the same
reasons he made up.'
^This part brings your personal story to the table which helps to develop the rest of this poem. Nice Job!
'Tonight my hands are open, not in attempts
to grasp something I know is not in front of me.
They're open, rather, just in patience...
waiting to see if you'll take them.
I'm waiting to see if you'll remember me.'
^Wow, I could really feel the emotion in this stanza. It truely re-enforces your other stanza were you said, '...more afraid
of being forgotten, really.' Patience is the key to long distance, things won't blossum overnight, but with time it shall reveal. And as you said in this stanza, it's not that you want to grasp something that's not physically infront of you, but you are waiting to see if with time it will be true, where you'll be able to actually grasp, take hold of that person whom you are addressing this piece to.
'The sky is a captor of all things released.
I have lived in its awning since I last knew comfort,
and now my feet are asking to touch the ground again.
They want to run closer to where you live and breathe,
gathering the soil where you once stood.'
^Great stanza to further state your feelings towards this person. You want to 'run closer to where you [he] live[s] and breathe[s]' stating how you'd like to be with him physically, not just mentally.
'I'm afraid to leave the stars and the moon,
whose company hast kept me so long.
This velvet cocoon is all I can feel with my lonely hands.
What happens when I run to where you are,
and find you still untouchable?'
^I begain to read this stanza and stopped at 'hast' since it is archaic language (meaning 'have') it doesn't really fit with the rest of your poem. I would suggest that you use 'has' in it's place, so it flows nicer with the rst of the style of this poem.
I loved how you described this feeling via a cocoon, it is so original and unique.
I liked how you added the question at the end, I enjoy questions in poetry for it adds to the read and gives the peice more depth since the reader is participating more in the read, it makes them ponder a little more.
'My darkness yawns in the small hours,
stretching its limbs to the edge of your waking moments.
Somewhere in the middle, our exposures collide
and create dusk over a timeless field.'
^Beautiful, just beautiful. You are very talented with words, keep up your amazing talent. This stanza was just breath taking, it was such a breath of fresh air.
'Will you meet me there?'
^I don't know, will I? Will he? Will whom meet you there? Okay okay, I know what you are getting at here, it co-exists with the rest of your right, nice work.
'Today has folded over night entirely,
with the readiness of tomorrow sending my sun
from your sill in a boldly spoken 'good morning.''
^I loved how you went back to the begining of your write, it is a refreasher to what the reader had read before, it ties the rest of the poem together very nicely.
'I wonder who you see when you stop dreaming.'
^Great way to end this piece. I liked how you repeated this part, it really makes the reader sit and think for a moment in time.
Novalyn, fantastic write, keep up the amazing work and I shall be sure to continue reading, you have so much talent in the way you word your writings. Absolutly beautiful write. :]
Peace, Joe
Eyes Scripted with Faith. (6)
by Blissful
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-07-10
Wow Bliss, I loved this write, it was a breath of fresh air. You have such a talent when it comes to writing, keep up the wonderful work and I shall be sure to keep on reading. Now on to my comment...
'I'm sick of building castles in the sand'
^Are you really? Or is that just a statement? Most people might be sick of doing something, but they still do it. e.g. going to school or work, getting gas, etc.
'just to gaze as it's immersed within
the opaque waves galloping forth.'
^Loved your choice of wording here Bliss. Wonderful imagery here. 'Galloping' made me think of horses (or stallions lol) which was a great image adding a word which usually isn't associated with water. Good Job!
'What's the point in all the struggle?
For nothings everlasting.'
^What's the point in loving, writing, living for that matter. As you stated, 'nothings everlasting.' So why do people still move forth and create sand castles, love, write, live life, etc. It's simple...they may be sick of it, but they still enjoy doing it. It's like the term 'love sick' are you really sick? Or is it simply a feeling of give me more...I can't get enough. It all depends on how it is interpreted I suppose.
I'm pretty sure 'nothings' should be 'nothing's' since you mean nothing is.
'I'm sick of unfastening my heart,
only to witness it's collapse,'
^The roads are often litered with broken hearts and no destinations...you just have to be strong and willing to make the venture though the long and winding roads. For anything the mind can concieve and believe the mind can acheive.
'at the grapple of your love,
which grips no mercy
as it tears without remorse'
^Love your choice of wording, 'grapple' so unique, I wouldn't even think of using that word when it came to love. This part is re-enforcing the part about 'witness it's collapse' since you are describing what you witnessed more or less. Wonderful job so far Bliss.
'I'm sick of choking on your lies,
although they taste so sweet
and always linger on the tip
of a tongue swollen
with callous'
^Interesting stanza, I must say you have a unique way of writing about things. Nice work so far. The only thing I really would suggest is to add some punctuation (in this stanza and the rest of the poem) since it lacks it a little. Other than that, great stanza that adds to the storyline of this poem.
'I'm sick of feeling,
for I wish to be numb,'
^hrmm I don't really like the flow here, I think this part can flow a bit better. Perhaps by rewording it like this..
'I'm sick of feeling,
the numbness I wish,'
or something like that, it doesn't have to be what I said, I'm sure you get my point, I just think it makes it flow a bit better.
'but in the lowest point of sorrow
answers are uncloaked'
^Answers are usually indeed 'uncloaked' in our lowest point of sorrow, for answers we are in sure for during that time. Nice wording, I liked you use of 'uncloaked'
'to bleak eyes'
^hrmm, not to sure about the use of 'bleak' here. For some reason I just didn't like this part.
'The castle...'
^I liked how you went back to your original concept at the begining of the poem, it is a re-enforcement. Nice job.
'...might be whisked away'
^haha, loved your use of 'whisked' here, I was thinking of baking when I read that.
'but for a moment, it will exist in glory
and perhaps years later no one will remember
but you'll still ravel in the pride
it took to craft such beauty'
^Bravo! This part was very well written and gave a little inspiration to those whom read. The messege...never to give up, for the littered roads you are venturing through will eventrually lead to beauty, it takes time (perhaps years later) but with time, time will reveal the crafting of such beauty.
'Love is not promised for every open heart'
^No it's not, but it doesn't mean you can't believe, as I stated above, whatever the mind can concieve and believe the mind will acheieve, well the same goes for the heart...it just takes time.
'but the risk doesn't match it's reward
for how will a soul learn to earn wings
without being plunged into uncertainty
with hope of survival'
^This portion reminded me of the movie, 'It's A Wonderful Life'
Clarence: Clarence Oddbody, AS2.
George Bailey: Oddbody... Hey, what's an AS2?
Clarence: Angel, Second Class.
I also found this part about 'hope of survival' to go aside this quote from the same movie, 'Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?'
And the reason I said it reminds me about 'hope of survival' is because ever person wheather you know it or not has an impact on your life, and just by impacting your life, it changes your thoughts, it can give you the will to survive, or the will to die, but in the end it is all your choice which road you chose.
'Not all alluring lips speak sin
so don't be jaded by each lie
for some words hold the gift
to spark life into a spirit
that forgot to live'
^Oh wow, such powerful wording here, the flow was spot on and the meaning was fantastic. This part gave me chills.
'You're faced with a fork in the road
wallow in the darkness?
Or with the speck of strength that still lingers
search for a crevice...an escape
only visible to eyes scripted with faith'
^I really like the idea of 'eyes scripted with faith' it is often true that faith is a big part of someones journey through life, often times inspiring them in times they wouldn't even believe in it. e.g. a lot of people find faith/religion while in jail, and it's truely amazing what becomes of those people.
Life is a journey full of roads, long, short, up-hill, down-hill, and forked, but it is only you whom makes the decision which way to go.
'I'm sick of building castles in the sand
but that won't stop me
from picking up the shovel'
^Nice ending, it really sums up the meaning behind this piece of poetry. You've done a wonderful job.
Overall a fantastic write, full of depth and meaning. I felt it was a bit long, but that didn't really bother me much seeing the meaning behind this piece kept me interested. I felt if it was any longer, I might not have enjoyed it as much, you found the right length to describe such a deep write. Nice job, keep up the wonderful work Bliss.
Peace and Love, Joe
My Little Black Mercedes (1)
by LavaGirl
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-07-08
'Me & my girlfriends'
^I advise you use 'and' instead of '&'
It was good, you deff. are getting better at writing; however, I must say you should use som punctuation throught this piece, it will bring more strength and depth to it.
Overall, it was nice write, keep up the good work.
Peace, Joe
Swallow Your Heart. (30)
by Courageous Dreamer
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-07-02
I must say, this was one of your best writes I've seen in a while, but not all poems are perfect, I do have a few things I'd like to point out, I just want you to remember that they are my opinions, nothing more, nothing less.
'I wish I could swallow your heart--'
^You do? Gee, I never knew. This is kind of a morbid thought here, although I'm sure there is a reasoning behind what you are saying, so I shall continue reading.
'not only so that it would be
next to mine, harmonizing
with each flutter...
...but for curiosity.'
^I knew you had a reason for starting like that. I liked the way this was written so far. Not really liking the '...' but I suppose it works.
'To explore your emotions
absorbing each one
then analyze them
with my own...
...would they be identical?'
^mmm I'm not too keen on this stanza to tell you the truth. It just didn't flow right for me.
'Dim nights could be spent
together, your love
complimenting mine,
our hearts cuddling...
...the warmth of comfort present.'
^Not bad, but this seems to be seperated from the rest of the poem I felt. It's almost like this portion could be a sepreate poem. It's almost like each stanza can stand alone in a different poem, I don't know, I'm lost on what to say.
'You could be my candle'
^I found that line to be kind of cliche, that has been used quiet a bit about love...
'light on shadowed nights,
my sunrise
in the morning...
...the ray of my world.'
^I actually liked the thought of the 'light' being your so called lover, it was interesting. Very sentimental verse.
'May I swallow your heart?'
^ I didn't really see the point of adding this, it doesn't really add anything to the rest of the poem in my opinion.
Overall, one of your better pieces Temps, keep up the excellent work.
Peace, Joe
What's your Impression? (8)
by Blissful
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-06-29
'You can say I'm an idealist'
^Can I? Should I? I mean, this first line makes the reader think a little, why would we call you that? What makes her feel that way? How will the rest of the poem be represented? Will it follow this thought that we can call you an idealist? etc.
'with one eye always open'
^It's like a storm and how it always has one eye open, 'the eye of the storm' or the center of the storm. It has two personalities, good and bad. The storm itself can be devestating, but the eye of the storm is calm and peaceful with beautiful arrays of sun shinning through the clouds. So I really want to keep reading and see were this line goes...
'to reality'
^hrmm interesting concept here. I like the idea, but think it may be more deep and have more meaning if done like this or something like this...
'You can say I'm an idealist
with one eye always open -
Reality'
Or instead of a dash maybe a semi-colon? I don't know, just a suggestion.
'Maybe a walking contradiction?'
^I don't know, is it a 'walking contradiction'? Keeps the reader thinking, which I like. I like to see questions asked in poetry sometimes, it gives the write that much more power in my opinion since it draws the reader in more, by asking them questions which allows them to draw their own conclusions/ideas. Nice!
'You can say dreams are my armor'
^I like the repetition of saying, 'you can say' it ties it back to the begining of the poem which was good. Nice job, however, I kind of felt that this line was a bit cliche (in my opinion of course).
'yet they blind me'
^again a bit cliche for my liking, I would've liked to see a little more creativity to match the rest of the poem, but other than that, I really can't complain too much because it does add to the rest of the poem.
'from reality'
^ahhh okay, I see what you are doing now, disregard my last statement above about 'to reality' Nice work, I like the repetition. ;]
'Silly dreamer, it's time to wake up.'
^oh I liked the idea of this being a dream, but I'm not too sure about the use of 'silly' it takes a somewhat serious write and brings it down to a monotone write for me. Perhaps try using a synyonm that better fits to the style?
'You say I lose myself in faith'
^Nice! The way you went from, 'You can say' straight to 'You say' was a great idea considering I was expecting you to write 'You can say...' Nice Job.
'although it doesn't reflect
reality'
^Loved this part, I really like the repetition within this piece of poetry. It strengthens the read that much more and pulls a deeper meaning out.
'Perhaps I'm a good role-player?
...have you all fooled.'
^Wasn't too sure about the use of '...' however, it did work okay in this portion.
'You say...they say...whatever.'
^Now, I didn't like the use of '...' in this part. I think it recks the feeling of the poem, just use semi-colons.
'You say; they say; whatever.'
I think that looks better, sounds better, and adds more overall.
'I say the horizon holds a promise
To guide my spirit, give it wings'
^ I enjoyed this part of the poem. It was very refreashing.
'What will you say
...when I'm gone?'
^Loved the ending, like I mentioned above, I enjoy to see questions for it draws the reader in and makes them think a little themselves. Fantastic write!
Overall a well written piece of poetry. Keep up the great work Bliss.
Peace, Joe
Majors and Minors (6)
by Valedico
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-06-22
I would put a dash after 'syn' to signify that 'syn' and 'tax' go together, but can also stand alone. Just a suggestion. You know, I thought the samething, I wasn't going to read this because of the structure, but then I stopped myself and thought, you know Danny always has a reason for doing things the way he does. So I read it, and I was write, there was a reason your wrote it like this, and it played out very nicely. Overall a nice write, keep up the good work.
Peace, Joe
Purge the Unsaid. (9)
by Blissful
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-06-22
Bliss, I liked how you went back to what you wrote in the first stanza and wrapping it up in the final stanza, it tied it all together very nicely. Overall, there were a few cliched portions I felt, but then again what do you expect in a love poem? I myself, expect: raw tender emotion for the most part. Overall I thought this was a good sentimental piece of poetry that came from your heart.
'To turn...
...off...
...the light.'
Personally, I felt that this should've just been one line, why break it up? Expescially with '...' I don't feel that these words hold enough merit in themselves to beheld amongst the rest of the poem by themselves. For a word to be by itself, I feel it should hold more depth/meaning or contribute something else to the poem, which Just didn't see in this case, I don't maybe it's me, but that's what I was thinking.
Overall, This was a well written piece of poetry that came straight from the heart. It was raw and had tones of emotion that was portrayed vividly and was very easy to imagine. Great Job, keep up the fantastic work.
Peace, Joe
Fruition. (12)
by Novalyn Grace RR
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-06-22
Novalyn, wow, this poem was very well written. I fully enjoyed reading it, I am going to add it to my favorites as well as nominate this next time around (since I've already voted 3 times). You have a lot of talent my dear, keep up the fantastic piece of art that we all like to call poetry.
'My thoughts are overripe apples,
falling down from a tree of
Impracticality,'
Simplicit ponderings evolve to be 'overripe apples' as you call it, which I think was brilliant. The imagery here wasn't the only factor that captured my interest, it was the metaphor of taking ones thoughts and explaining to the reader how those 'thoughts' were to overly complex therefore, falling down. Wonderful start.
I loved how you used 'impracticality' in this stanza. It doesn't only show how this persons thoughts are impractical, but it also shows how there is nothing left for this person to theoretically contribute to their knowledge base, therefore, 'dropping' or 'withdrawing' their over thought complex ponderings from an impractical tree of 'wisdom' shall you. Hope that made sence...
'begging me to let them be:
a root of Possibility.'
I liked how you reversed the thought of being impractical to practical, giving the thoughts 'hope' to survive will you. Great work so far. I'm really enjoying this read Novalyn.
"Uncertain
as I may be, a wealth
of courage blooms inside of
me, and from his trunk to mine,
I find perfection guides and guards
our 'sweet catacombs' of borrowed time."
Not really sure if 'sweet' should be embracing 'catacombs' like that or not. When I think of catacombs, I think of a bleak morbid underground tunneling with the dead displayed. So to say 'sweet' kind of contradicts that feeling for me, although I must say seeing it used in a different 'light' is nice to see. Hrmmm, I suppose you could use it like that if you were simply saying our 'sweet' memories are now encapsulated in 'borrowed time' via the use of 'catacombs' which makes sence...hrmmm okay, it makes sence, sorry for my ramblings...
'...into the skies, whose mouth
opens wide at my swift replies;'
Oh, I loved the use of personification here, well done. Fantastic write, full of thought and imagery. Keep up the excellent work Novalyn.
Peace, Joe
Asphyxiated. (7)
by ASPHYXIATED
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-06-19
'I'm ready to live-'
^ I'd suggest putting a space between '-' and live, do to the fact that when there is no space it signifies that the word continues, which in this case it doesn't...
'just cut my strings and tell me'
^ I think this line would be better if worded like this: 'cut my strings; tell me' basically just getting rid of the filler words here, I think it brings this line out more by doing that, gives it a deeper tone.
'I'd of happily given my youth to you;'
^ Remove 'of' it isn't needed, it's like say, 'I would of happily...' which makes sence, but with 'I'd of happily...' just doesn't flow or make as much sence for me, I think it flows better without 'of' it really isn't needed. I think this line would be better off like so, 'youth, I would've happily given to you;'
'you still take my breath away.'
^ lol, this line reminded me of the song, 'Take my breath away'
'I want to conquer it all-'
^ Again, I advice you put a space between "_" and all for the same reasoning I mentioned above...
Overall, this was a great write about well yourself. Keep up the fantastic work my dear.
Peace, Joe
Indulgence (2)
by Valedico
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-06-10
First and most important in my eyes, I must commend you for trying something new in the genre of love. I know how hard this genre is for you to write about, so I do praise you for your dedication and hard work following up to this point in time. Now to get to a little bit about your write...
I love the story, yes I said story, this is nothing more than a story to me. The way you worded it, the structure, it just felt like a plain old story to me. Now don't get me wrong, I loved your vocabulary and the way you worded everything, you have a true talent in that area.
The flow was just ok in my eyes, perhaps if you did rhyme it would feel more like a poem? Or perhaps if you broke it up into stanzas/verses (granted you always do things on purpose, you probally wrote it this way for a reason, so I'm most likely wrong, but I just wanted to point this out anyways) it would help as well? I just don't know; however, I do have a few suggestion which I will make.
Okay, so first I broke it into stanzas/verses to make the structure stronger instead of a paragraph or type of prose...and then I changed a few minor areas in your wording and this is what I came up with:
'What once starved us
quickly became nausea,
when our appetites stirred
over the dining room table;
we never reached the bed.
I could feel your heart
in my mouth when we kissed,
and could taste longing on your skin.
Unaware, not knowing what you wanted to hear,
I said, I must be dreaming;
you pressed your lips against my ear
and when we woke entangled in the evening...
I realised the afternoon had fleeted.
Passion bleached your eyes
when you leaned in towards mine,
it became obvious that love
can blur, and distort to an affair.
Now I only feel your tongue
in my mouth when we kiss;
then there's - nothing.
Nothing... but a stomach full of an expired infatuation.'
Overall not one of you best I felt, but was deffenitly a very well written piece as I said above. I do have to praise you for trying a genre inwhich is hard for you to write about. Keep up the good work, and I'll keep on reading.
Peace, Joe
Valedico (14)
by Valedico
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-05-22
Wow, Danny, that was a powerful write full of raw emotion. I actually could picture all of this very easily, so naturally your imagery was fantastic. When I first read it I was thinking of an angel through out the piece, and then the second time I read it I was thinking about a bird since I know you are interested in birds and the symbolic views they hold.
Overall this was an excellent write, I don't have a whole lot to say seeing as I won't disect this piece since it wouldn't really hold any merit. Again this was a emotional piece which the reader can feel as it is read. I actually had a tears start to develop when I read this, it is full of pure raw emotion which I like in a write. Nice job Danny, keep up the wonderful work.
Peace, Joe
My Lost Identity (1)
by LavaGirl
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-05-15
Very personal write or at least it seems like it, which makes it have a deeper impact on the reader which is good. Overall it was a good write, however it could use a few minor things to help it out. For example, punctuation. Punctuation is very important in poetry it lets the reader know when to pause or stop as well as adding to the overall flow. You also don't need to capitalize the begining of every line. The only time you need to use capitalization is when you are starting a sentence or you are emphisizing something. Other than that it was well written, keep up the good work.
Peace, Joe
Raptor (5)
by Valedico
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-05-13
Okay, so I am going to analyze/critique this piece a little differently than I have commented in the past. First I'll give a brief review of what I thought, then I'll go deeper into detail.
WOW, just wow, this piece was very well written. Keep up the great work. I liked you use of imagery and your choice of wording was fantastic. You have a lot of talent Danny, keep up the great work and I'll be sure to keep reading.
``````````
-Content-
1) Speaker: The particular persona of this piece is a split view in my opinion. The main persona being the 'Raptor' as your title indicates, but on the side, there are a few hints to your personal aspects. To a certian extent I think you are an omniscient narrator in this piece. However, from what I've read I believe your focalization is in the first-person. And although you don't directly mention a time period for this piece, I'm thinking a majority of people will think, the dinosour age. The 'nocturnal' birds of prey, such as: eagels, falcons, vultures, and so on. By knowing the historical context of the poem, it changes the attitude of the speaker; so really one' can read it differently than another, and take in a whole other deepth to the poem.
2) Tone: The tone is somewhat sinister in nature, it is dark yet it holds the survival instincts of animals. By using this tone, it creates intense imagery for the reader to hold and take in. Your dictation influences the understanding of the tone, for example, 'Rip the skull, then hang it around my neck...' The tone of the poem doesn't change as the poem progresses, which is good and bad. It's good because it is consistant in tone. It is bad because I would've liked to perhaps see the tone evolve, or build-up. Overall the tone as I mentioned is very consistant from top to bottom.
3) Tension: I loved how you seperated the word 'S a m e' it reinforces the point you made earlier, 'like mice they scatter' I think that part also resembles the point-of-view the bird has. The fact that you are spacing pieces of the poem adds to the imagisim you are creating. The way this piece is written I tend to think it is an external conflict. 'Man against man' in this case, 'animal against animal' is implied within the piece to take place. In my opinion this piece is very physical and spirtual in aspect.
4) Context: Being that this was written in this day and age, you were very consistent with the literary conventions of this time period. In a way I think this poem can have several themes, depending on the reader and how it is interpreted. Personally I can see this as being linked to society as a whole.
-Language-
1) Word Choice: I think you chose your wording very carefully and thought it through. It is very simplistic, but at the sametime there are some hints of complexity, which I enjoyed. You word choice in my opinion is conversational which hits the reader smacking them in the face, leaving an lasting imprint more than a formal write would.
2) Meaning: By using the word 'nocturnal' it reinforced the fact that you were talking about birds rather than a 'Valsa Raptor' At first I thought this poem was about a 'Valsa Raptor' due to your title. Hence the reasoning I had to read this piece several times before it clicked that you were writing about an bird. Your choice of using this word was very concreate and literal which in return worked greatly.
As I mentioned above, I loved how you seperated the word 'S a m e' it reinforces the point you made earlier, 'like mice they scatter' I think that part also resembles the point-of-view the bird has. This part of the poem is a connotation in my eyes since it has several meanings lieing behind it. This is the type of abstract art that I enjoy to see. You can say the wording of 'S a m e' is very literal, but if looked upon deeper it becomes metaphorical I believe.
I can go and pick apart the meanings of each of your words, but I won't because it won't acheive anything in the long-run.
3) Rhythm: You have a distinct rhythm in this piece almost like the iambic meter, however it faulters a little here and there - Not all lines are 4 feet/measures. Which isn't bad or good. It is more neutral than anything. It doesn't take away from the meaning of the poem, but it doesn't add anyhting either so it is a toss-up for me.
You syllable count is pretty consistant, but it does flex a little going from a high syllable count to a small syllable count, which in return can throw off the overall flow.
-Imagery-
1) Visuals and Sensory: Like I'm about to say in a minute, your images can be interpreted in two was, literal or figurative. Which is one of the reasons I really enjoyed this write from you. If read litereally you have the scent of the Raptor and can smell the meal he/she is about to eat. You can visualize very clearly what is about to happen or take place via your excellent use of lexis.
2) Metaphor: I believe this whole write is an extended metaphor for society as a whole. Often, people whom have the 'advantage' or are higher in power would resemble your so called, 'Raptor' while the lower class would be considered the 'mice' It's a never-ending cycle in which can be interepreted many different ways, but this is one of the interpretations I took out of your write.
I mean the poem can be read literally or metaphorically. I read it literally the first few times, then I tryed to look deeper and pull out a metaphorical reasoning behind what you wrote.
3) Symbolism: As I just stated above, I think this can be interpreted as society as a whole. The symbols you used to create your imagery helps create an allegory in my opinion since it has to do with political background (as I interpreted above).
-Form-
1) Structure: The poem is well structured. There is no specific form you are using; however, it was well constructed. I did like your choice of chosing to 'indent' or space certian portions of the poem, I think it really added to the poem overall. Other than that, there really is a whole lot I can say about the structure.
2) Stanza and Lines: The problem I had with your stanzas/verses is the fact that the length was not consistant. You went from having 5 lines to 2,9,7. I mean it isn't 'necessary' for them to be consistant since this is more of a blank/free verse, but I just figured I'd make a mention of it anyways.
The lines are all very consistant in length with I liked, with the exception of the second stanza/verse which was shorter in length, but that didn't bother me since that holds a meaning in it self.
3) Rhyme Scheme: There is no 'real' rhyme scheme in which I can find, which is fine like I mentioned above since this is a blank/free verse. Lately I myself have been trying to steer away from rhyme schemes, yes they help to a certian degree, however, you can acheive just as much without one. Just like you did with this piece, great work.
-Syntax-
1) Enjambment: Your lines are broken in all different ways, but I find in your writing the most common way for you is to create an enjambment while some are end-stopping. But by using an enjambment, it creates a duality of meaning in the lines which is excellent. So much more meaning can be taking from using that format. Nice work!
2) Verbs: You did a great job at keeping the tense consistent which isn't always needed in poetry, but in this piece it is. Overall good use of verbs to connect your wording and story.
3) Sentence Structure: The structure of your sentences are good, but there is one area in which I think was a fragement or needs some form of punctuation. Right after 'S a m e' the sentence should end and you should start a new one, or you should at least have a semi-colon. That's just my opinion of course.
The part were it says, 'you're safe until...' the 'you're' needs to be capitalized since it is the start of a new sentence.
4) Punctuation: First, why did you use a semi-colon after 'dose' in the very first line? It should be a comma, or if you wanted a pause you could've used a dash.
Also, when you wrote, 'it's relatives.' you don't need an aphostraphy in 'it's' since you don't mean 'it is'
Overall punctuation was greatly used, and in some cases even added to the poem, since it makes the reader pause and stop at certian spots as well as adding to the overall flow.
``````````
Overall a wonderful write Danny, I am impressed. I will be nominating this piece.
Peace, Joe
A Missive to My Imaginative (4)
by Mer Divinity
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-05-05
I was going to comment on this anyway, so I'll just post my comment here. I thought this was a very well written piece of poetry. The flow was good as well as the structure and rhythm. I however thought you used too many: I, my, me, you and so on. If you are able to acheive the powerful messege without using those, it would be even more of a powerful deep messege for the readers.
'The sky is angry pink, bruised with blue.'
Great use of personification, as a reader it drew me right in wanting to read more. Great work so far.
'The fields are blazing, the ocean's still.'
I like the vibe you are portraying here. Nature entertwined with feelings which will shortly be portrayed. Nice!
'My feeling of tranquility evaporates,
We're lost in a nightmare, but you're never here.
Set me free from this world of delusions,
Paradise is my only peace,
Let hope take over, let my heart be steady,
Let my pain decrease.'
You don't have to caplitalize every word in the begining of each line. Only use capitals when begining a sentence or you are trying to emphise a word.
'I pray, but can you hear me?
Surely, you're not God.
But once upon a time, you were my haven;
My harborage, my only one.
I went to you for safety,
When the world stopped to burn,
When the skies began to blacken,
And the ground shook.'
Nice stanza, really could feel the emotions from deep within here. However, I'm not too keen on your first two lines, I know what you are trying to portray, but I think it could of been done slightly better. Don't get me wrong, I love questions in poetry, it makes the reader ponder more and look deeper within the poem. But this one just didn't do it for me for some reason.
'I knew no other freedom---I knew no other joy.'
Get rid of one of the dashes, you only need two of them.
'There is nothing hear that screams oblivion
to my ignoble heart.
Why? I am imperfect.
Even still, in the minds of man, He promises enchantment
to the substandard heart. Can you feel it?'
Tighten this portion up a little. You have lines that are 15 syllables long, and lines that are 6 syllables long, if you can equal those out, the flow would be much better.
'Yet, sleep and feel the winds that vex
The broken heart of thine,
And realize your heartache, too,
Is just as sure as mine.
For in this universe, we're all in pain,
We're never truly free,
For tomorrow doesn't bring the joy
That thee has brought to me.'
You have archaic language here but it doesn't seem to appear in the rest of the poem? Perhaps separate it from the other stanzas a bit clearer? Just a suggestion.
'The silver voice that healed my heart,
That broke the sands of time,
Still stands in all its beauty now,
The aura of its prime.'
Nice ending, I felt it brought the rest of the poem together nicely.
Overall a well written piece of poetry, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Escape (8)
by Valedico
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-27
Danny - Wow! This was an excellent write my friend, you poured your feelings into this nicely. The imagery, personification, and the overall flow was great. From reading this the reader can really tell it was a personal write which makes it that much deeper. There were a few minor details which I think could've been better which I'll explain in a minute, but overall it was a well written, well thought out write.
``````````
'I've undressed,'
Nice start to the poem. I like the imagery here however I felt 'undressed' is a bit cliche in my opinion. Perhaps you could use a synonym in it's place? Just a suggestion of course.
'numb to the naked
caress of salty air,'
I really would've like to see you use a dash in this segment. Between 'naked' and 'caress' I think it would add more to the poem in a deeper meaning, again just my personal thought. You see by doing that it has several meanings, of course it has the meaning you intented, 'numb to the naked caress of salty air,' but then by adding a dash it's like you're saying, 'I've undressed, numb to the naked-caress' Which is more of a sexual image. But to me I think it would add to the overall depth of the poem.
'deaf to the choirs
of seagulls calling'
Loved this portion, it was an interesting metaphor that portrayed someone (such as yourself) tuning out the sounds of the seagulls.
'as they frolic upon the
sands. I'm tranquil.'
I'm picturing the beach - an escape avenue to release your inner soul and become one with your surroundings. Let it all hang out sort-to-speak in the peace of nature.
'With a notepad mind,
etching thoughts...'
I liked you idea here with a photogenic mind, however, I didn't really like your use of 'notepad' just kind of threw me off a bit. 'etching' was an excellent way to portray this portion of the poem. It's like a masterpiece being drawn in your head.
'...Undressed
under crescent light.'
I like the repetition of 'undressed' it really sinks in deep with the reader. I also like how you portrayed moonlight with out being cliche.
'I'm lifting the ocean's
skin from it's rippled
body;'
Loved the imagery here. Greatly worded and good use of personification.
'...I imagine
for a moment I'm afloat,
subject to the coast.'
Embodied thoughts that linger through our soul and mind encompass passion held from deep within. And this passage is set free with this portion of this stanza. Set-sail sort-to-speak to find your inner self expressed through nature. Great Imagery.
'until the second the
sea washes over my
toes, reality becomes
a scope.'
Shouldn't 'until' be capitalized since it's the begining of a new sentence? It is so true, when surrounded by nature you feel at peace. The ocean is used in many psychological was, usually to calm a person. The ripple effect is soothing, and the mere thought of water amdist the feet is cooling. It's almost as if it's a dream, until you water hits your feet and takes you out of your daze and wakes you up to reality.
'...And fades into
the wick of the night.'
This was an excellent idea right here. I loved the thought that the night is a fading wick as if it's like a candle going out flickering with vivid colors against the walls. The walls in this instance can be portrayed as many different things: for instance you can be talking about yourself and how you have a wall built around yourself. Theoretically speaking, you shut out unwanted thoughts or ideas as well as your surroundings and people.
'And only when my
mind is free, untamed
like the ocean in front
of me'
I don't like how you used 'and' as well as the other 'and' in the other stanza. Use one or the other, or try using an synonym in it's place. I would've also liked to see you use a dash between 'free' and 'untamed' to bring emphasis to the word 'untamed' I think it is better suited than having a dash between 'me' and 'I'm gathering' simply put a period after me.
'- I'm gathering
ideas like the shiny
stones'
Like I said above, remove the dash and just start it as a new sentance, I think it would be better in my opinion. This was a good simile.
'...that appear
precious under the
absence of sunlight.'
I liked the repetition here of the absence of sunlight. It really re-assures your message you are exhibiting.
'Escape. Child-like
bliss that only ever
exists. Here.'
I agree with colm here on how you used too many full-stops. I would say to use an colon after 'Escape' instead of a period then a comma after 'exists' instead of the period. If you really want to have emphasis on 'here' then you could always use a dash before it instead of the comma.
I really liked the ending it really drew the rest of your poem together. To think that an atmosphere such as a beach brings back your inner-child and lets you be at peace with yourself is truely amazing in it self.
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That was a fantastic write. So deep, tons of meaning, and well thought out imagery. Keep up the amazing writes, you have a lot of talent my friend - and I'll keep on reading and reading and reading.
Peace, Joe
Song Bird (8)
by Valedico
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-19
Danny, before I go indepth, I'd just like to say this was an amazing write. I am going to nominate it next week since I already voted three times this week. Fantastic use of vocabulary and the structure was well thought out in my opinion and I'll elaborate why in a moment. You never cease to amaze me, you are truely talented, keep up the great work.
'Silence.'
Short, simple and to the point. Made me want to continue to further read on to see why and what was silent. I liked the fact that you left 'silence' on it's own, it has a more powerful rendition towards the poem now than just adding it to the first stanza.
'Drowned by the hums of
songs; anonymous, and un-
written words.'
Briliant way of wording. By breaking 'un-' and 'written' was fantastic thinking on your part. Using a dash and seperating 'un-written' on different lines displays that you basically have two meanings within the one main meaning.
'Drowned by the hums of
songs; anonymous, and un-'
Un - expresses negation, or can also mean one (a thing) or one (a person).
'written words. As a song bird'
The way you split those two apart can stand on their own as I was mentioning above. Great work!
'...As a song bird
must fulfill his duty, his lungs
yearn for the sounds he is born
to sing. He shall unknowingly'
Loved the imagery in this portion. Birds have so many meanings behind them that it is a fresh start to read something 'new' and imaginative such as '...his lungs yearn for the sounds he is born to sing.'
'to sing. He shall unknowingly'
That line right there can have a deeper meaning to it if you switched the wording to 'to sing. Unknowingly he shall' Since that line could stand by itself and have meaning in it's own right even though you are saying the same thing just reversed. You'll hit several high points by doing this.
1) You finish the sentence. 'As a song bird must fulfill his duty, his lungs yearn for the sounds he is born to sing.'
2) You have a line that can stand on it's own, 'to sing. Unknowingly he shall' it's united as one if looked upon correctly. This can add significantly to the piece in my opinion.
3) You finish sentence after that, 'Unknowingly he shall die unheard and undignified.'
'(We are more aware.)'
Whom is more aware? The people? Personally I think it adds to the piece, however you don't really explain who you are talking about in the rest of the poem.
'Silence is not the death of
sound but the birth of a voice.'
I like the repetition of 'silence' it reminds the reader just what you are reading about as a whole. I think these 2 lines are my most favorite of the whole poem. It is so true, and really opened my eyes.
'Allow me to sing to you with
the voice, that may one day
creak with wisdom, and fade
into the night, like a songbird's
final call; head tilted to the moon,
to sing. We all die knowingly.'
Now in this stanza, you go to a different persona. You start the poem as if a narrator, then halfway through you say 'we' which changes the persona, and now in the last stanza you are saying 'me' which yet again changes the persona. So I am a bit confused as to how you wanted to write this piece. Perhaps in the eyes of the beholder, everything is not what it seems, etc.
'...creak with wisdom' I found this little bit to be a very interesting way to explain something which may have been easily cilched. I really liked your use of personification here.
'We all die knowingly.' Great ending to this piece Danny. It really summed up the rest of it nicely.
Overall a excellent write, with great dictation and structure within. Keep up the fantastic pieces of poetry which many like to call an art form, and it is an art - art with words, mind, and body engulfed in one. Excellent write once again.
Peace, Joe
Butterfly's Neglect. (6)
by Blissful
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-13
Love either grows or it dies. Love doesn't ask why. Love doesn't think twice. Love has no limits. Love has no pride. Love can do the impossible. Love knows no boundaries. Love is unpredictable. Love will light the way. Love is where you find it. Love is what you make it. Love can work miracles. Love can move mountains. Love can build a bridge. Love is an endless road.
In this case (the poem), 'Love' has died. It has lost its light and has gone black. It has reverseved.
Interesting write, I enjoyed it. I thought the flow was good bt could've been a little better. I am a stickler for punctuation in poetry, it lets the reader know when to pause or stop as well as adding to the overall flow. So, natrually I would've liked to see a little more punctuation instead of the ocassional comma.
I'd also like to state that you don't need to Capitalize ever begining word of each line. It isn't needed all the time, only when you are starting a new sentence or are emphising (probally didn't spell that right, I'm a bit tired) a word.
Overall nice write, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Two Places Beneath The Sea (5)
by Valedico
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-30
Danny, first I must say this is an absolutly beautiful write you produced. I hope you get inspired more often. The flow was outstanding as well as the structure. You choice of wording was fantastic, I actually had tears develop while reading this piece. There is so much raw emotion within and it was greatly portrayed. I am in aww by this poem, I am going to nominate it next week if I am still able too (since I already voted 3 times)
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Tonight, the shore takes her leave
and packs her belongings.
She shall be gone in the morning.
^^Such a sad setiment to start the poem off with, however I liked it since it drew the reader in. It made me want to read more, great start.
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For tonight; our bed is half empty,
and you've bestowed a gift to
the tides - those ivory eardrops
that hung from your ears;
now tired teardrops
that cling to my eyes,
you must be cold
on the pier alone.
^^Fantastic continuation of the first stanza, it has great imagery. The emotion in this stanza is clearly shown which is an excellent addition to this wonderful write so far. I really liked the idea of teardrops clinging to your eyes, it is an interesting way to write something which could've been easily cliched.
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Yet that night I unveiled
your present to you as the moon
dressed (for the occasion)
in silver too, smiled down at me
and you. Two earrings,
pearl; almost blue,
same as you almost grew
to love me, too.
^^Not sure I liked the last two lines in this stanza, I know what you were trying to say, but it kind of broke off the flow for me. Perhaps changing the wording to something like this would help with the flow:
'just like you almost growing
to love me, too.'
However, I did notice you tried to rhyme blue with grew. So in that case how about changing it to something like this:
'same as you - you almost grew
to love me, too.'
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Tonight, the moon mimics you,
like it did a year ago;
and the ocean's vacating,
packing what were
priceless tokens of what
I thought was true.
^^Wow, I loved this stanza the most. Nothing like a heartfelt sentiment of 'love' portrayed via the moonlite night. However, this stanza was sad as well since it shows the otherside of what you thought might be true, in this case love. Overall great write so far!
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For tonight you disposed
of every memory,
For tonight I reserved a
hotelroom, as you reserved, too,
two places beneath the sea.
^^An excellent ending to a wonderful write. As I said above, this brought tears to my eyes. You truely have a wonderful talent. Great ending.
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Overall a wonderful write full of emotions. I enjoyed the read. Keep up the fantastic work Danny. :)
Peace, Joe
Cockroach (7)
by Valedico
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-28
First I must say this was very creative. I've never read a poem about cockroaches before and to write this piece in their point of view was an excellent idea. I enjoyed the read as I always do from you, you have alot of talent my friend, keep up the great work!
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I am a cockroach:
trodden on by merciless feet,
looked down upon as if
I shouldn't be wandering their
jostled streets.
Being
without meaning;
^^Not much to say about the opening here - I liked you choice of wording and the flow seemed to be good. The only concern I have with this opening is the last two lines, 'Being' and 'without meaning;' Pesonally not sure why you broke those apart, it kind of halted the flow there for me. Perhaps reuniting them as one would be better, 'Being without meaning;'
Overall a nice intro to the rest of the piece!
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I'll exist in shadows,
and subways,
scraping by on the remnants
of yesterday's sunshine.
^^I don't think you really need a comma after 'shadows' since you have 'and' directly after it. I really liked the use of the word 'remnants' in this stanza, I haven't seen that word in a while and to see it used in a poem was a great touch. I usually think of a war poem when 'remnants' is used within, but you shined a different light on the subject, nice job.
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Trampled
on by feet that, like mine
have a beat,
but go unheard,
unrecognised.
Til I retreat.
^^Souldn't there be an apostrophe before the word 'Til' since it is a shortened version of until?
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Yet in optimism,
without defeat.
^^Nice ending to this piece, it really summed everything up nicely.
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Overall an original write from a great poet in my eyes. You have a great creative mind, keep writing and I'll be sure to keep reading ;)
Peace, Joe
Its Not Us, It's You (10)
by PygmyPuff
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-16
Wow, Okay first off this was a wonderful write full of pure emotion. The flow was okay, but not great in my opinion there was a few spots that can use improvement which I'll spot out later. The structure of the poem was very good. I felt you used the words, I, you, me, my, etc. way too much. The length was too long for me personally, perhaps it would've been better if this "poem" was split into two pieces rather than trying to make it one.
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I cant handle this
You cant tell me you love me,
Then you don't feel it.
You tell me you cried,
If you have no feelings for me.
The tears mean nothing.
^^First of all the word, "cant" needs and apostrophe. I'm not to sure I like the opening to this poem, you just jump right into it 'I can't handle this' you can't handle what? we (the reader) have no prior knowledge to what you are refering to. As I mentioned above, I felt you used the words, I, you, me, etc. to much. Perhaps re-writting the first stanza to something like this would be more poetic instead of feeling like a rant in a journal.
Lingering emotions deep within,
haunting the essences of "I love you."
Emotionless feelings cried from you,
telling a story which isn't true.
No feelings for the love of your life...
the tears you shead must mean nothing at all.
As you can see what I just wrote above is more poetic and captivating, which in result leads the reader more interested in reading more of the poem. Just my opinion of course.
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Overall I don't think this was one of your best pieces of work, but it did show emotion which I like to see. Like I stated above it almost felt like the whole piece was a rant/rave about the situation in which you most likely would find in a journal or a diary. Perhaps a little re-wording would help the outcome of that.
I did however enjoy the ending of this piece, it was a great way to end it. Overall just an okay write for me. Keep up the hard work and keep on writing.
Peace, Joe
7 (13)
by Valedico
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-13
Interesting write, very unique in so many ways. I enjoyed the read, however there are a few minor things inwhich I think was intentional.
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Tongues of lust caressed each other,
whilst envy gazed into static
on a television set.
In a house wet with mistake.
^^This was a fantastic opening to the rest of the poem. 'Tongues of lust' was an interesting way of stating something that very easily could of been cliched. I really liked you use of 'whilst' you don't really see words like that used too much which really is ashame. Overall a wonderfully constructed stanza with excellent metaphors and imagery within. Can't wait to progress and read all the rest.
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It was greed that wrestled
with fate in a stranger's bed,
and glutton that drank her
body weight in spirits -
in spirit, seventeen.
^^ 'It was greed that wrestled' You really have a way of writing excellent lines that contain personification. I can go on and on about that one statement, but I won't (taking poetry at University, so we anaylis a lot of stuff indepth) 'glutton that drank her' yet another statement which was greatly written. This is fantastically constructed, you truely have a gift me friend.
``````````
For it was sloth that
allowed him to sneak out
at night, and take his ring
from his finger,
and linger with the harlots.
^^ In this stanza, I was a bit confused. I wasn't sure if you meant 'his' when you wrote, 'allowed him to sneak out at night, and take his ring from his finger' perhaps you meant, 'allowed him to sneak out at night, and take his ring from her finger' The only way I can really see this stanza working is if you implied a higher being of living such as a God. But perhaps I could be mistaken.
``````````
It was pride that crept
back home, and shame
was his cologne.
^^Personally I'm not sure if I liked this stanza or not. All the other stanzas are equal in length 5 lines, except the first stanza and the last which were 4 lines. The meaning behind this stanza is good, but perhaps another line would add to the overall flow of the poem, just a suggestion.
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Wrath - with hell in her eyes,
with fury in mind,
could smell his lies;
and placed a pillow over the face
she fell in love with (sin).
^^I see where you were going with this stanza, but I'm not sure I liked 'wrath' and 'fury' in those two lines since they basically mean the samething, perhaps a little re-wording would be better? I felt that 'could smell his lies' is a bit cliche, many people know what that means and frankly I think it is a bit overused even though it is a good example of a hyperbole.
``````````
She wore a mask of guilt
when the sun rose
from a tiresome sky.
Lying next to (dead) remorse.
^^I think this was a great way to end this wonderfully written piece of poetry. I too liked the brackets around dead since it signifies excactly what you were trying to portray in this poem.
``````````
Excellent write, keep up the wonderful work Danny!
Peace, Joe
How Could I Ever Leave You ( Collab) (73)
by Cindy
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-05
Wow Cindy, what a heartfelt write. When I read your work on here I am always amazed by the pure beauty you portray with your vivid imagery. I loved your choice of words and the overall flow as well.
However; I would've liked to see some punctuation within this piece. Punctuation is very important in poetry, it lets the reader know when to pause or stop as well as adding to the overall flow of the piece.
Overall an emotion filled piece which was well written. Keep up the fantastic work!
Peace, Joe
Numb to your Touch (10)
by Zeenat
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-02
I loved this poem. Your word choice was striking and original. I found that the poem was successful in it's length, you held my attention throughout the whole piece, any longer and it would maybe, be incomprehendable.
The flow was flawless in my opinion as well as the overall structure. You painted a beautiful picture with such vivid and bright imagery within this piece. Wonderful work!!!
This is one of those pieces that leave the reader in awe after the first reading, and keep getting more impressive every time they're re-read.
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Dejected elongated years, with clear drops all cried out,
Missing those loving arms, baby you had me no doubt.
Mind has been in circles round and round it has been,
Holding my breath, still drawing hearts on my aged skin.
^^I adore this opening, so full of depth and emotion with a flawless flow and beatiful imagery that I can't help but be pulled into the piece, and want to read more.
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Yearning tongue dances slowly behind my lips for you,
Weakened core troubling, to succeed this path through.
Feeling the cold air embracing every aching part of me,
Rolling on thin ice in spring, this heart cracks endlessly.
^^The imagery...you always have such a way with imagery in your work, and this, as always, is so beautifully detailed and vivid.
``````````
Coming across millions of footprints in this silenced park,
Growing everyday, coveys my love for you as a trademark.
Spring has arrived, flowers blossom sharing its unique whiff,
High off the memory of your sensuous aroma I used to sniff.
^^I'm finding this piece to become better and better as I go along. The flow so far is incredible, rolls right of the tongue and doesn't falter once.
``````````
Lavished below as children enjoyed playing in hard rain,
Defined as lifetime of my tears, would they love it the same?
Down the path it ended, in front of your house I sat still,
Through the glass you whispered words, my life you fulfilled.
^^The vividness of description mixed with depth of the message is astonishing. I really can't find anything that needs critique here.
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Smiling to passed memories, like they occurred yesterday,
Lost in each others eyes, we danced that riveting night away.
Taking me in your arms, felt as we were flying in springs air,
Two hearts become one, a feeling you softly spoke was rare.
^^I enjoyed the last line in this stanza, it is rarely seen that a love joins as one for both to keep and hold close. How I wish many people knew the true depth and meaning of love as a whole and not just the outcome of "love" being intercourse or other pleasurable things. Wonderful stanza, can't wait to finish reading the rest.
``````````
Thought a tear strolled down my creased cheek yet, I was wrong,
Muttered I miss you as my delicate arms continued rolling along.
Summers warmth hit me quickly, same way we exchanged eyes,
Pearly white smiles, a delightful feeling that took us by surprise.
^^Loved the imagery that lies within these lines, it paints a beautiful picture for all to enjoy and dream of those close to their hearts.
``````````
Bathing suits worn, playing chase and rushing in water to swim,
Striking views of the ocean but everything froze as all grew dim.
Picturing our footprints beside one another, marked in the sand,
Sun hit those sparkling eyes as your lips softly kissed my hand.
^^Again, I don't have much to say, this stanza is flawless and greatly portraying the love held within for the one you so charish.
``````````
Miracle to feel as we walked on water into our future of forever,
Angel took you without asking, breaking what we created together.
Late September, that date replays in my mind over again,
Best thing of my life is gone and pain has now become my friend.
^^I adored the first line in this stanza, it was greatly written with fantastic imagery. You have a way to write so emotionally yet, so vividly with fantastic imagery. Great stanza, can't wait to read the finish of this poem.
``````````
We sit staring at dry leaves falling down onto the covered grave,
Colorful flowers symbolizing; love and hope, all that he gave.
Each day, I beg for help taking me down on my two weak knees,
Pray for our love to last forever, same way you always promised me.
^^Emotional, death is hard for many to grasp let alone cope with. The imagery that lies within this stanza is fantastically portrayed.
``````````
Failing heart pumps your love, until last breath removes the rush,
Back in those endless warm arms once again, numb to your touch.
God taken you out my life, for a blessed yet forgotten reason,
Natures love reflects ours, growing through every given season.
^^WOW!!! Fantastic ending to a wonderfully written piece of poetry. This poem is filled with underlying meaning which strikes a chord deep within me as I'm sure it will with many others.
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I can't highlight my favorite stanza because I love every one of them. Whole piece is flawless to me, as I already said, certainly one of your best works.
Wonderful Write, keep up the fantastic work!
Peace, Joe
Surrounded (3)
by Aure
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-28
Interesting write, short, but not too short. To the point and well written, the flow was okay, could've been better by adding more punctuation. Punctuation is very important in poetry, it lets the reader know when to pause or stop as well as adding to the overall flow.
Overall a short poem that is to the point, well written. Keep up the good work.
Peace, Joe
Midas Touch (triquatrain) (8)
by debbylyn
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-24
Excellent write with vivid imagery. I enjoyed this read, your choice of wording was fantastic. The flow and structure were both good, but I felt the flow could've been better via punctuation. Punctuation is very important in poetry, it allows the reader to know when to pause or stop as well as adding to othe overall flow.
Overall a well written piece of poetry, keep up the great work!
Peace, Joe
Possible Entrapments (4)
by Kenny AKA LoveStory
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-23
Wonderful write, full of emotion. The flow was good but like the last people I commented it could've been better with punctuation, I can't stress enough how important punctuation is within a poem. Overall this was a well written piece.
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I ever wonder if we were in a vast ocean
Imprisoned within the heart of a colossal storm
Inviting us to embrace the welcoming death
Yet we remain calm, exchanging our final breath
^^I liked the rhythm and rhyme, nice start to a wonderful poem. I liked how you used the word, "colossal" you don't see that a lot...
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I ever wonder if we were in a fairytale
Our souls lost within the depths of eternity
Entrapped in a cell of everlasting admiration
Yet possibilities of escape is not an option
I wonder if we were beneath a sickening rain
Confined within an emerging, warm ecstasy
Devouring our hearts to fled the effects of reality
Yet we persist no departure, from this heartfelt unity
^^I admire how you used repetiton within this piece, it really prevails the emotions and depths of this poem. I fully enjoyed this line and I like the way it was worded, "Entrapped in a cell of everlasting admiration"
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I wonder if I were ensnared within your web
Entrapped within your genuine tender love
Hypnotizing me deeper within an absolute peace
Yet I remain satisfied, wishing for no release
^^Excellent ending to a fantastic write, but like I mentioned above, I feel it could've been better with punctuation.
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Overall a well written piece of poetry, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Shadows Beneath Heaven (7)
by Kenny AKA LoveStory
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-23
Fantastic write, the flow and structure were both good, but could've been better with punctuation. Punctuation is very important in poetry, it lets the reader know when to pause or stop as well as adding to the flow. The imagery was so sureal, excellent work!!!
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Blood crawl the silent streets
Of unconsciousness, Of secrecy
Contaminating frozen cold feet
Unaware of fervent death and adversity
^^Captured the attention of the reader from the very start. Nice use of vocabulary. Made me want to continue reading.
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Sonorous wicked voices fill the grail
Of holiness, Of sacredness and praise
Faith submerging to pleasures and ales
Satisfying each breath leading to
unbearable craze
^^The "holy grail" portion of this stanza reminds me of, "Indiana Jones" Another well written stanza!
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Angels stare the forsaken land
With flux of tears, worn out mercy
Wings dispersing keeping wrath in hand
Will wash the sin stained creation of humanity
^^Wow!!! Amazing, I think this is my favorite stanza of this poem. The imagery is excellent as well as the flow.
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Shadows merry making within vast halls
Broadcasting foolishness, avidity and greed
Soon will fade, will be poured with enlightenment
Reinvent the kingdom where they feed
^^Excellent ending to a wonderful write. Brought the rest of the poem together as a whole.
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Overall a well written piece of poetry, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Definition of Love: From the Cradle to the Grave (1)
by Kenny AKA LoveStory
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-22
Wonderful write. I liked your choice of words, it greatly expresses the adoration for love in this poem. The imagery was fantastic, good work!!! The only real critique I have for you is to use punctuation. There is no punctuation within this poem, punctuation is very important in poetry, it lets the reader know when to pause or stop as well as making the flow better.
Overall a wonderful write, keep up the good work.
Peace, Joe
Cities of the dead (11)
by Michael D Nalley
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-16
Interesting write in a good way that is. The flow was flawless and the imagery was superb, I could vividly imagine all of this happening, great Job!
I would have liked to see puncuation however. Puncuation is very important in poetry, it lets the reader know when to pause or stop.
Overall a great write, keep up the good work!
Peace, Joe
Perfectly in Love (12)
by Darien
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-13
The emotion that lies within is so heartfelt. The imagery is fantastic, I can just picture all of this as I'm sure many others will too, since many can relate. The flow was flawless in my opinion, as well as the structure. The overall poem as a whole was outstanding, excellent write!!!
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Our secret summer of romance and bliss,
All began with a passionate first kiss.
Warmth we felt as we kept each other close,
Times we spent alone is what I missed most.
^^Loved the first stanza, really drew me right into the poem. Your choice of words were good, not complex, just simple and plan with great rhyme, which I felt was great.
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Falling asleep in the comfort of your arms,
The way you giggled at my boyish charms.
Love sparked when we kissed in the rain,
It locked a memory that will always remain.
^^I really liked the last line in this stanza, it made me want to continue reading on. A simple love connection between two people, simply fantastic the way you wrote the poem so far.
``````````
A weekend at your place meant the world,
I started to think of you as my girl.
The battle you fought you finally won,
You asked me out and our life had begun.
^^ Not too sure you need the word, "had" in the last line, I think it is just a filler word which you can do without. Overall this stanza like the rest was well written, not complex with huge words which some people think you need in poetry. Sometimes less is better, like in this poem.
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We stayed together when the summer had end,
Miles apart you were still my girlfriend.
To see each other we took long trips,
It was worth the travel to kiss your lips.
^^My thoughts about the first line I'm debating. I personally think the word "end" should be "ended" since you are talking about the past, however; like you did you could also use "end" but I don't think it flows as nicely. I noticed you used it that way so that you could rhyme with "girlfriend" ...so really I am torn between your wording there...not sure how you would change that, because the meaning behind it is great and I wouldn't want to see that change.
Overall great stanza, shows great emotion and devotion to the one you love.
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Now we stand together perfectly in love,
As peaceful as a pair of turtle doves.
Though I write to you from far away,
I still wish you a Happy Valentine's Day
^^Loved the use of "turtle doves" since they symbolize love. Loved the way you ended this poem. So heartfelt and filled with emotion. Really puts a nice closing to the rest of this masterpiece.
``````````
Excellent write, keep up the great work!
Peace, Joe
Zoning Out (7)
by Michael D Nalley
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-13
Overall great write, loved the flow and structure of this poem it was almost flawless. I think the flow would be flawless if you had more puncuation instead of just for the questions. Puncuation is very important in poetry, it shows the reader when to pause or stop. The imagery was good, I could picture this happening.
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What is all the fuss about?
I was just zoning out
Is it a crime or an awful sin?
To know and feel peace within
^^I liked your intro stanza, it really drew me right into the poem. I wanted to keep on reading and find out what the rest of the poem had to reveal. Great job!
``````````
Zoning out or maybe zoning in
While patience is wearing thin
It's for many a way to cope
Swinging at the end of a rope
^^Interesting stanza for me, different, but in a good way. I like uniqeness, and that is excactly what you showed. As I mentioned above I really think the rest of the poem would benifit from having puncuation.
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Do we fear the twilight zone?
Why should we feel alone?
Pray for me pray for grace
Heaven is such a peaceful place
^^haha, I liked your use of the "twiilight zone" reminded me of the show. This is another stanza that pulled me right in, the flow was great as well as the rhymes.
``````````
While I visit cloud nine
Where love flows like wine
Peace within and peace without
Zoning out without a doubt
^^Great ending to a very unique piece. I particually like this line, "where love flows like wine" Great job, very nicely written. This stanza ended the poem nicely.
``````````
Excellent write, keep up the great work!
Peace, Joe
The Eyes of a Lone Wolf (6)
by Darien
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-11
Loved the read, I've always been a fan of your work, you are truely talented. The imagery was excellently portraied, Great job!
The flow was good, but not great. The reason I say this is due to the fact that you have no puncuation at all. In poetry, puncuation is very important. It lets the reader know when to pause or stop as well as making it flow better since the reader is reading it the way you truely intended the reader to read it.
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Deep within a temperate forest
A wolf pup is left abandoned
His faint yelps for attention
Drift away as day becomes night
^^ Personally for me, I felt the first two words used was very cliche, and the reason I say this is because I see the saying, "Deep within" in a lot of poetry. I am not saying it is a bad thing, just in my opinion it's cliche.
I do, however; love the feel to the first stanza as a whole. I really like nature as well as animals in their natural elements, and for one, like yourself to write about both it is excellently portraied in these first couple of lines. Great work!!!
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The large pale moon in full view
Watching over the young hunter
Chasing small rodents for food
And learning to survive alone
^^ Survival of the fitest, always comes into play with nature and animals. It's the way of life which is taught from birth, but for those such as this young wolf he has to find food and survive on his very own. Hard to really grasp, when a majority of humans are nurtured from birth.
Great stanza, I am really enjoying this read so far. Time to move foward and read the rest.
``````````
As he grows his skills increase
Becoming a threatening predator
His howls strike terror at night
And his eyes sink with savagery
^^ As I originally mention, puncuation would really be great to fully understand when to pause or stop as well as giving a overall better flow.
Example, take the first line in this stanza, "As he grows his skills increase" at the current moment, there are no pauses or breaks in this line. I think it would flow and sound better with a pause... "As he grows, his skills increase"
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Without a pack he is a lone wolf
A nomad, a wanderer of the forest
His lonely eyes are full of sadness
As he crawls into his den alone
^^ Really loved the ending here. It's a nice close to the rest of the poem. The second line, I liked your use of words, "A nomad, a wanderer..." Great use of vocab.
``````````
Excellent peice of poetry from top to bottom. Keep up the fantastic work.
Peace, Joe
Some Secrets Should Never Be Told (2)
by Novalyn Grace RR
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-09
This is an excellent write, I loved the flow and your choice of words. It is nice to see people try different styles/forms of poetry and do very well at writing a formed poem. You did an amazing job here with great imagery that is portayed through this piece.
I, however; have one critical comment to make, this is a Quatern which takes the fist line in the first stanza and it is the second line in the second stanza, third line in the third stanza, etc. However, I do not see your fist line, "Some secrets should never be told" in the third line of the third stanza.
Overall a great write which is full of imagery, has excellent flow and structure. Great work, keep it up!!!
Peace, Joe
How Eternity Looks Like? (15)
by Lonely Rider
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-09
An interesting write for me. The flow was good, but could of been better I felt. I liked your choice of words and how you portraited such great imagery through out. I didn't like the structure of this poem however, the stanzas where of all different lengths.
First stanza was 7 lines long, second stanza was 5 lines long, third stanza was 6 lines long, etc.
Overall a great write, keep up the great work!
Peace, Joe
Never Let This Go (7)
by Lonely Rider
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-09
Excellently written, I loved the flow of this poem, however; I must say it could be better with more puncuation. You have very little puncuation in this poem (almost none except for the ocasional commas).
Puncuation is very important in poetry, it allows the reader to know when to pause or stop as well as strengthing the overall structure and flow of the poem.
Overall a well thought out poem with good flow and vocabulary.
Well done, keep up the good work.
Peace, Joe
18th Birthday Poem - Ania (3)
by Shinobi
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-09
Overall a wonderful write. The flow was good, but not great in my opinion there was a few spots that can use improvement which I'll spot out later. The structure of the poem was very good. Your choice of words was good, and I liked the imagery through out.
However, I felt that you could of used more puncuation which would have made the poem stronger when read. Puncuation is very important in poetry, it allows the reader to know when to pause or stop as well as strengthing the overall structure and flow of the poem.
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Time flew away towards a never-ending ocean
Thoughts wondered astray through an endless dream
Years went by, each and everyone soaked with an emotion
Your life's melody, notes composing a beautiful theme
^^Excellent start to this poem, draws the reader right in, which is fantastic. I really liked the internal rhyme in this stanza. I just wanted to keep on reading.
The third line I felt could have been shortened a little like this, "Years went by, everyone soaked with emotion" I also beleive this makes the flow slightly better as well.
I would also add puncuation were needed, example:
Time flew away, towards a never-ending ocean...
thoughts wondered astray, through an endless dream;
Years went by, everyone soaked with emotion...
Your life's melody, notes composing a beautiful theme.
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The era of fulfillment blooms during a spring dawn
Summer sets away bearing new experiences and joy
Fall grays the heart and sky, spreading leaves of it's own
School time then starts, soon is the time to enjoy
^^I really like the flow of this, just rolls off of the begining stanza and just keeps flowing freely. So far so good, it is keeping my interest.
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Winter, cold and wet, clouds the once brighten skies
Rain drops crush like a weeping girls tears
This time in winter is when we say our goodbyes
Letting go all of our sadness and fears
^^ The third line I think would sound and make it flow better like this, "This time in winter, we'll say our goodbyes"
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The time has come to find purpose in living
An era filled with dreams, now comes true
The age of growth, care, and giving
A phase symbolizing what you've outgrew
^^Interesting stanza, made me really think about how fast live moves on from childhood to adulthood. Can't wait to continue reading.
``````````
Time has flowed away, reached an infinite sea
In your melody, a change of cords is taking place
Life developed in a way no one can see
Raising you to become full of beauty, joy, and grace
^^The word, "cords" in the second line should be, "chords" since you are talking about music.
Nice ending to an excellent write!!!
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Overall a wonderful write, Keep up the great work!
Peace, Joe
Thine Heart Bleedeth (18)
by Sher
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-01-12
Very nice write, I enjoyed the read. I know how hard it is to write like this since I've written 1 or 2 poems in this style. I commend you for trying something new, as I said before it was a nice write. Great for your first try, but I'm sure it can be improved upon with practice, however; I really don't have the knowledge in this area of poetry as much as I'd like to, to give you sound advice but I'll try my best.
The imagery was outstanding. The flow of the poem was good, but could of been better with some puncuation. I can't stress it enough, puncuation is a big part of making it flow better as well the overall structure (which in your case is good except for the fact you have no puncuation)
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Thine heart hast become of diamonds
no more a soul alloweth to break through
thee blood that bleedeth from thy wound-- black
for thou grieve; continued to corrupt-doomed
^^Hast means have, and thine means my, so this line reads, "My heart have become of diamonds" which doesn't make sence since it is plural, I think you meant to use the singular version of have which is "has" but I don't think there is another word in Old English that means has. Therefore, the first line would be, "Thine heart has become of diamonds" unless you meant to use hast in that sense.
The words: alloweth and bleedeth are in third person where as you are using the words: thine and thy which are in the first person point of view, overall I would've liked to see either one or the other not a mixture.
Old English is indeed confusing when first learning it, and I myself have much to learn as well, keep up the good work.
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Shalt thou be forever prisoned
within thine own walls of misery
can ye not findeth a way
to somehow set thee free
^^Going back to what I was saying before, shalt means shall which is in second person, however; I forgot to mention above although these are all different point of views it is still okay to use due to the fact that they are all singular and not plural. So all in all it is fine the way you are using these words, but like I did say above it is strange to read a poem that has more than one point of view, but then again in Old English it seems to work.
``````````
Release thy guilt from thine own soul
comfort and peace wilt then be bestowed
binding thy evils from haunting thine every move
toils no more; thy feet and shackles now becometh twain
^^Dark filled stanza which was nicely worded, usually I don't like poems that involve dark natured things within it, however; this stanza seemed to pull me away form that mentality. Great Job!!!
``````````
Thine heart shalt then be as clay
alloweth to bend and mold-blessed plight endeared
thine own blood shalt then bleedeth red
boasting thy passion and love whence forth
^^Interesting last stanza, which seemed to end the poem in a nice way, it really put the rest of the poem together as one with this simple yet complex ending. I really liked it.
``````````
Excellent write, keep up the great work. Old English is hard to learn and even harder to master, but don't give up. I myself have a lot to learn and much more practice. I hope everything I said was correct, if not please let me know I'd love to be corrected since I am still in the learning phase myself.
Peace, Joe
Broken Verses of Thee (19)
by SnoWryTeR xiaoDan
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-11-13
Excellently written, I loved the flow of this poem, however; I must say it could be better with puncuation. You have no puncuation what so ever, puncuation is very important in poetry, it allows the reader to know when to pause or stop as well as strengthing the overall structure and flow of the poem.
Overall a well thought out poem with good flow and vocabulary.
Well done, keep up the good work.
Peace, Joe
Beyond Theory (18)
by EssenceOfLace
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-06
An oustandingly interesting write for me, very powerful and deep. I liked your choice of words and how you portraited such great imagery through out. The flow and structure of this poem was good. Your wording created great imagery for this piece, I could really visualize it. I am not one for dark poems usually, but I felt this was very well exicuted and well thought out.
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Cryptic messages in flourescent lighting
speak soft distilled whispers of hope;
A shiny gem obscured.
^^Nice begining to the poem, this stanza really made me come out of my box and ponder what you were saying (Which I like when reading)
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Abstract gleaming from hearts
are pieces, not yet filled.
Delusional, though somehow sane.
^^I must say the last line is my favorite in this stanza, since it shows how some may think...lol
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Clocks stop as time goes on.
Fear burrowed in the soul
for pondering the unknown.
^^The first line in this stanza reminds me of the song, "As time goes by" which was in the movie Casablanca, which is one of my all time favorite movies I might add.
I love the word ponder, and to see it used in this stanza, makes me proud, It is always good to see others use words other than the main one, in this case, "think"
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Truth beyond words
linger in the almost quiet air.
Deceit is not too far on the trail.
^^First line sums it up very nicely, words can only say so much, but someone's actions can say more than their words.
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To sacrifice it all,
succumb to it all.
Emerge,
embrace,
believe,
or perish into a void of nothing.
^^This was a nice finish to the poem, but why the sudden change in stanza length? I didn't like that this stanza was longer than all the others, but it isn't too bad since it's the last stanza.
``````````
Excellent write, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
He says:So why u don leave me and find someone cute?... (7)
by Freedom
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-06
No offence, but this poem needs a lot of work before it even comes close to being a excellent write. First of all use the English language correctly. Use the word You and not the letter "u"
The puncuation and structure were both good. Your overall concept of the poem was well thought out, but with a few adjustments this could be an outstanding write.
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Today was like yesterday,
Like wednesday or like another day
Why you are asking me to stay?
Going is the only right way.
^^The very first line told me how this whole poem was going to be written, "In the words of a kid" Honestly the first line made me want to turn away and stop reading. How many sophisticated people do you hear that say, "was like" ? I can tell you, not that many that I can think of off the top of my head.
Perhaps re-wording this whole stanza would make it flow and be an more enjoyable read. So for example:
Today felt as though it was yesterday,
Wednesday or any another day.
Why are you asking me to stay?
Leaving is the only right way.
``````````
The overall write was just ok for me, like I said above, the work, this could be a good write.
Peace, Joe
Promise Me This (12)
by debbylyn
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-06
Excellent write. The imagery was outstanding. The flow of the poem was good, but could of been better with some puncuation. I can't stress it enough, puncuation is a big part of making it flow better as well the overall structure (which in your case is good except for the fact you have no puncuation)
``````````
Promise me this as Springtime from eve to sunrise slips
You'll remember passion's blush as wine upon soft lips
Wind through willow rushes, tender sweet aubade
Plethora of pleasures held when promises were made
^^Nice opening to the rest of the poem. The imagery was very vivid and it's almost like am there.
``````````
Promise me this as ocean tide erases printed sand
You'll recall two lovers combing beaches hand in hand
Gathering shells and feathers left buried 'neath the dunes
Nature's splendor serenading phases of the moon
Promise me this as Winter's icy clutches beckon death
You'll remember fireside kisses, puffs of frosty breath
Fluffy hillside angels, lit snowflakes on the tongue
Smiling faces lined by age, two hearts forever young
^^I like the repetition of "Promise me this..." it sets the tone and mood very nicely for the rest of the stanza, and makes it flow nicely as well.
``````````
Remember then the moments, remember still a kiss
If naught but love belies the deep, Oh promise! Promise this!
^^I loved the ending to this poem, it was so oh I don't know heartfelt. In my opinion the ending was perfect and closed it off nicely.
``````````
Excellent write, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Moved by Volare (10)
by Illuminati RTVW
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-06
That was a great song by the way, and I loved the fact you were inspired by it. Yours is beautifully written, and has great imagery as well as deepth to it. The emotion flowed nicely through out. Great write!
``````````
Pearls of Forever
^^Simple words, yet the meaning is very deep. This in it self made me want to continue reading this piece.
``````````
How can you ask
the waves to break away
from the embrace of the Crimson Ocean,
to stop the Soul-Tears shining in these eyes
as my lips chant your name, Amarantine?
Lay your head upon my Love-filled poesy, and listen...
You, and only You
who can bless the Life around me
with your Gilded Charms
Oh my, Sweet Beloved,
till Eternity
I will long for your Zephyrs...
^^Very nice stanza, the flow was good and your choice of words was well thought out. However, I felt this stanza was a bit long and could of been chopped into two stanzas.
``````````
Pearls of Forever
destined within my heart,
holding me as a lonesome prisoner
to watch the fadeless glair of my
Pearls of Forever,
as they laid upon the path
that I am taking loveless
but without Fortune's vigor brace
is there a Reason to live for?
^^I liked the repetition of the first line, it makes that line really stick in your head, which I like to see in writing.
``````````
How could a Rose bloom
and glow in red hues
without the dyes of your love?
Oh, Absent only
sharpens the thorns, the thorns,
and they cut me deeply, into my soul
as I am clinching it within
and I weep, and I weep, I weep.
^^Oh I love people asking questions, it really makes the reader sit down and ponder about the outcome or how something works or is done.
``````````
Pearls of Forever,
destined within my heart,
holding me as a lonesome prisoner
forever loveless with the
Pearls of Forever
as I drift along the River Brink
thinking of your love
the moments of Heavenly bliss
but where is my Reason to live for...?
Pearls of Forever
as I drift along the River Brink
thinking of your love
the moments of Heavenly bliss
but where is my Reason to live for...?
Pearls of Forever
Forever
^^I loved the last verse in this, it really ended the song nicely. Great write with heartfelt feelings within.
``````````
Excellent write, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Out My Window (4)
by PMurphy
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-05
Very nice write with great flow and structure through out. I loved your choice of words as well.
I noticed that in this poem you don't use puncuation through out. Using puncuation will not only help the reader to know when to pause or stop. I can't stress it enough, puncuation is a big part of making it flow better as well the overall structure (which in your case is good except for the fact you have no puncuation)
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Leaves creating cyclones
life is passing by
this tree keeps falling
up into the sky.
^^This stanza was a great way to start the poem off, it painted great imagery for the begining.
``````````
I keep staring
trying to endure the music
for it flows through my veins
creating pleasant pains.
^^Very interesting stanza for me that keeps me interested in what you'll say in the next stanza.
``````````
The grass creates its melodies
as if they are singing to the sun
the neighbor across the street
seems to be pulling out his weeds.
^^Again a wonderful stanza that shows so much imagery within. Grass melodies, Singing sun, the imagery is excellent and the choice of words was greatly choosen.
``````````
Sitting at my window
soaking in all i see
painting you a picture
of the world to be.
^^Very nice ending to this poem which holds emotion as well as imagery through out the poem. Nice Job!!!
``````````
Wonderful write, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Embarkment (senryu series) (1)
by PMurphy
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-05
Nice write, I like to see different styles once in a while, and it is great to see you do one. Excellent wording, and nice flow. Well done!
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Here i am today
Surrounding enchanted land.
Slowly I depart.
^^This was an interesting opening for the poem, wasn't quiet sure what was comming next which made me interested in the rest of the read.
``````````
Tomorrow i am
Controlled, it will become
For this land. Is home.
^^A nice second stanza elaborating a little from the first stanza. The flow was off a little in my opinion which held me up, I was unsure if the first line was a sentence since it didn't have a period.
Also the second line, "Controlled, it will become" I must ask you this, what will become controlled?
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Taking my life now
Step by step until it grows.
The taste is bitter.
^^This stanza, was a smash hit for me. So many people can relate to this regardless of if they actually realize it or not.
``````````
Just for a moment
I wish, I wish. To be home.
For within this time.
^^I didn't like the repeat of "I wish" it just threw off the flow for me.
``````````
My body has grown
To accept the fates of past.
Now i will embark
^^Now you will embark on what? A journey? Explanations are always a good thing, but leaving it up in the air is good as well sometimes. Nice ending.
``````````
Wonderful write, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
I CONFESS I CAN'T LET YOU GO (37)
by noha
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-05
Wonderful write full of pure emotion. I liked your choice of words, however; I felt you used the words, I, you, me, my, etc. way too much. The flow was good as well as the overall structure of the poem. Good Job!
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Today I wonder if what I did was right.
To be within myself and let my heart fight.
To lose someone so special like you.
And never to let out even a slight clue.
^^This was an excellent begining in my opinion it made me want to read the rest of this poem. I could personally relate to this stanza, and I actually had tears that started to form from my eyes. I am sure many others can relate to this as well, good job.
``````````
I confess I was always crazy about you.
I admit I couldn't stop falling in love with you.
You filled my empty feeling within.
For you were with me through thick and thin.
^^Another excellent stanza. I could visualize all of this. The imagery was great!
``````````
Every time I spoke to you.
The more I fell in love with you.
I had no choice but to let it go.
For I could bear an empty heart, but not lose a smile that made the dark glow.
^^Oh my, the tears are flowing on this poem, everything you are saying hits so deep within. Excellent write, I am sure many many people can relate to this poem such as I am.
``````````
I saw my dream breaking, and yet I held back my tears.
To fulfill your dreams which you always whispered close to my ears.
I was in pain and yet I pretended to be strong.
As I always wished for you to be right and me to be wrong.
^^Again this stanza really hit home with me. I can realte to this poem through and through. Your words are so true and so touching in so many ways.
``````````
I stayed quiet even when you said I am going away,
My heart wanted you to stop.
But my lips didn't have the strength to say.
Holding back everything, I saw you go away.
^^I liked how you ending with "away" in the first line as well as the last line, it really wraped this stanza together nicely.
``````````
There is no-one who can take your place.
For I have stitched my heart with your love's lace.
Captured in it is the memoir of your face.
For I would never find again this beauty and grace.
^^I feel as though I was the one to write this poem, you are taking the words right out of my mouth and down on paper (or in this case on computer) Outstanding job, you deff. are captivating me within this poem.
``````````
Now it makes me wonder, if I had committed a blunder.
Wonder if you ever felt the same.
Wonder if your heart skipped a beat,
Every time you mentioned my name.
^^The questions we should of asked, but didn't. This is something that a lot of people do and to realize it and mention it via a poem must be hard for one' to do.
``````````
I should have expressed the way I felt.
Whatever the consequence I would have dealt.
I will love you forever.
To let you go, A hope that may be next to never.
^^Next to never, oh the words of forever. Love is a hard subject for many to write about, yet you captured it very nicely without making this cliche.
``````````
I CONFESS I CAN'T LET YOU GO.
^^The feelings of true love, what better is there in this world? Excellent end to the poem.
``````````
OUTSTANDING WRITE!!! I must say, I am in tears, this was amazing, you captured every feeling I have. This by far is a 5/5 and one of my Favorites I've read in a long time. Again excellent job on a superb write.
Peace, Joe
Digital Ghost (30)
by Sher
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-29
What a lovely write. The imagery was outstanding. The flow of the poem was good, but could of been better with some puncuation. I can't stress it enough, puncuation is a big part of making it flow better as well the overall structure (which in your case is good except for the fact you have no puncuation)
``````````
Looked through some old photographs today
just to catch a glimpse of your loving face
memories have become a haunting past
all happiness has forever passed
^^I really liked this stanza, for it is a great opener for the poem. The imagery is very vivid and so many can relate, I know I sure did when I read this stanza, it made me want to keep on reading.
``````````
just a digital camera remains
holding precious broken dreams
reminiscing of what we once had
never again to be experienced
^^I thought this stanza was good, and had a nice flow to it, but I felt it was a little choppy with the last line. Digital camera, you deff. brought it to a new level with technology, I was visualizing the photos to be actual photos on paper.
``````````
tears still flow when thoughts of you appear
stains forever left where a smile once stood
this broken heart has never mended
unable to forget about love so true
^^Ok, as I stated above, puncuation is a must (at least in my eyes it is) So for example:
Tears still flow when thoughts of you appear.
Stains forever left where a smile once stood.
This broken heart has never mended,
unable to forget about love so true.
``````````
looked through some old photographs today
just to catch a glimpse of your loving face
memories have become a haunting past
all happiness has forever passed
^^I liked the reputition of the first stanza and the last. This was a nice way to end the poem, it gave it a nice close and a refreshed view of the first stanza. Reputition is a great tool and I liked what you did with it.
``````````
Overall, wonderful write, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
The Anathema of the World (8)
by Darien
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-28
An interesting write for me, your work never ceases to amaze me. The flow was good, but could of been better I felt. I liked your choice of words and how you portraited such great imagery through out. I didn't like the structure of this poem however, the stanzas where of all different lengths.
I also noticed that in a lot of your poems you don't use puncuation through out. Using puncuation will not only help the reader to know when to pause or stop, but it will also help the overall flow of the poem.
``````````
This world is a dark abyss with shades of gray and white
We point fingers and guns at one another
But we are so afraid to die
^^The imagery in this first stanza starts the poem off very well. It made, me want to continue reading and see what the rest of the poem was all about.
``````````
In our depression we cry alone and we blame the world
We seek vengeance deep within our hearts
And find it hard to forgive
^^This stanza, was briliant. It shows how many people truly think and feel towards life in general.
``````````
We are the anathema of this world
For all other life
We bring death
Our cold hearts see no boundaries
^^Again, another well thought out stanza that shows just how much life in general is over looked. We seek to create, yet in the process we destroy.
``````````
Our societies are corrupted by selfishness and greed
We destroy God's creations to build our own
As if we were Gods ourselves
^^Excactly what I just mentioned above, this stanza shows just that. We destroy to make, and in the process we kill life. Instead of killing life, we should find ways to help keep it, but all-in-all I think that will never happen at least not for a very long time.
``````````
Everyday we bring death and suffering
To the world
To everything
We are the anathema of this world
^^I like this stanza, for it really hits home for me. However, I think it would be better if you take line two and three and combine them to make one line, like this: "To the world, to everything"
``````````
The day we all die
Is the day the world survives
^^What a great ending to this poem. It really shows how humans ultimitly kills the rest of the world, and by doing so, Humans won't be able to no longer live here for it won't be safe anymore (ages and ages away, but it will eventually happen)
``````````
Overall a wonderful write, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Lonely and Perfect (33)
by Darien
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-25
Great write, the flow was good as well as the structure. This had great imagery through out, it really painted a picture for me. Your use of vocabulary was nice and easy which I personally think made this poem flow nice since it wasn't over done with tons of big words.
``````````
Lonely are wolves without a pack
That only rely on strength and pride.
Lonely are children without homes,
They sit in darkness and hide.
^^I liked the repetition of "Lonely are..." it made the poem come together and really mold as one. This was a great start to the poem, it really made me want to keep on reading and see what the poem was all about.
``````````
Lonely are the men that use women,
For cheap demeaning sex.
Lonely are the women with no morals,
That sell themselves as objects.
^^Again I liked the repetition, it makes the poem flow very nicely from one stanza to the next. I also liked the small little rhyme you did with sex and objects. This was a nice add on to the first stanza, which really made me ponder what would come next.
``````````
Lonely, don't ask me about lonely.
^^All alone this one line. But alone it isn't for it has meaning if looked upon. This was a nice one liner that broke the poem up a bit and gave it variety. It also gave you the opportunity to stop the repetition from the first and second stanza, which you did in the next stanza.
``````````
Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming,
Then suddenly, I realize how alone I am.
I can't explain why things went wrong,
Fate seems to have another plan for me.
^^This was an eye opener for many people can relate to this stanza. I liked the way it was worded it flowed very nice, however; I felt the last line made the flow choppy in my opinion.
Perhaps you can change the last line to this which would make the flow much better in my opinion:
For fate seems to have another plan.
``````````
I've burned down way too many bridges,
Erased paths that I should have followed.
All I wanted was to be her one and only,
The one she would love with all her heart.
^^Now this stanza actually started to put some tears in my eyes, for I can relate to this and I'm sure many others can as well. The things we'd do for the ones we adore.
``````````
And I wish, I wish I were perfect... for her
^^Interesting ending for me. I felt the ending could of ended a little better than that, but all-in-all it was a nice addition to the last stanza in which I felt summed up the poem very nicely.
``````````
Wonderful write, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Singing With Your Silence (12)
by NyellMoonlight
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-24
Overall a wonderful write. The flow was good, but not great in my opinion there was a few spots that can use improvement which I'll spot out later. The structure of the poem was very good. Your choice of words was good, and I liked the imagery through out.
``````````
Inky lines sketched across frosty paper
testify about subconscious acts;
these quiet words are my stripped heart,
an exterior of mirrored hopes and fears.
^^The imagery in this first stanza starts the poem off very well. Actually the very first line, made me want to continue to read and see what this poem was all about.
``````````
What lies behind the door number fourteen?
Moving pictures replay foundations
enslaved by gentle fingertips,
scarring hands,
merging blood with stones.
^^Ok, the first line in this stanza threw the flow off for me. I think it would flow better if you got rid of "the" so that it would read like this, "What lies behind door number fourteen?"
``````````
Mute starlight is the narrator
of my sleeping tragedy,
a projector
built with torn bricks.
^^Very interesting stanza for me that keeps me interested in what you'll say in the next stanza. The last line made me think, for I never knew bricks could be torn (being sarcastic)
``````````
Glittery rainbow shatters thoughts,
personified with engulfing grin;
moonbeams battle burning anxiousness,
consuming ember of my sentences,
raging with the fire of icy droplets.
^^This stanza really made me come out of my shell and ponder about what you are trying to say. I loved the fact that you are using big vocabulary, however; I felt that it was too much in one poem, you should try to tone it down a bit and make it 50/50 between simple and complex (at least that's my thought on this)
``````````
Singing with your silence,
oh, what a wonderful sight...
^^Nice short ending, however; I felt that it should of followed the scheme you had going, 4,5,4,5....then I expected your last stanza to be 4 lines long. Just kind of threw me off that's all.
``````````
Overall a fantastic write, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
The Spring Time of Her Voodoo (13)
by DarkSpirit
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-24
Overall it was a nice write. The flow was a little rocky for me as well as the structure which I will explain later. The use of vocabulary and puncuation was good.
``````````
Once I had a secret,
had a secret and impaled
ring on unwilling silence,
obligating myself to eternity
with static mystery of mine...
^^I don't like the fact that you repeated the first line almost via the second line, that threw off the flow for me.
``````````
Once I, like a scorpion,
wrapped around her provocative elbow.
Twice. Three times.
Eight times I disguised
my laced wounds with coal,
nine times.
No, eight times,
eight or zero?
Or it was eight hundred times?
^^I must say that this is an interesting stanza for me. The flow is all over the place (in my opinion) and the way you worded it was quiet interesting.
Perhaps wording and breaking it up like this would help:
Once I, like a scorpion,
wrapped around her provocative elbow.
Twice, three, eight times I disguised
my laced wounds with coal.
Nine times, eight times or zero?
Or was it was eight hundred times?
``````````
Once, I told a lie,
twice,
when I said
that I erstwhile spoke the truth;
were that
under the summer birches
when this from shadows and glue
forged friend
got that secret,
and left birch,
and cause of its fragrance
all leafs,
nature,
and his nose
which dismissed, unsatisfied with escape.
^^Again I felt this stanza was all over the place and could of been shorter in length and had a better flow.
This is how I personally would have changed this stanza to flow better:
Once, I told a lie, twice, when I said
that I erstwhile spoke the truth.
Under the summer birches,
shadows and glue forged friend
got that secret and left birch.
The cause of its fragrance,
all leafs, nature, and his nose,
which dismissed, unsatisfied with escape.
``````````
I tried to stay
just a shoulder in a haze
which danced around her weak eyes,
your eyes,
did I accosted to herself?
Once,
twice.
I accosted to her each time,
and when I hated stars
and when I kissed stars;
^^Overall this stanza keeps the poem flowing from one stanza to the next. Still needs work like the above stanzas which I showed you how to fix (in my opinion that is)
``````````
I tried to stay just a shoulder,
never lips,
nor eyes,
I tried to banish anguish from your pupils,
but never to be the one for who you will anguish,
I tried to stay only a friend,
never a lover,
but once, I had a secret...
^^Very nice ending to this poem which holds great imagery through out.
``````````
Overall great write, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Confused and Abused [Part I] (29)
by Kay Jay
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-24
Excellent write. The flow in my opinion was flawless as well as the structure of the poem. However, I felt that you could of used more puncuation which would have made the poem stronger when read.
``````````
One lost and "confused"
The other hurt and "abused"
Both looking for love to satisfy their pain
Waiting for sunshine to overcome the rain
They pass one another each day
Looking not speaking, fear of not knowing what to say
But one day confused finds courage...
^^This stanza was a great way to start the poem of, it painted great imagery for the begining.
``````````
Days become weeks and a month ends
Confused and abused have become the best of friends
They spend each day talking with laughter
Forgetting about the world, their lives of disaster
Their hearts are now experiencing joy and love
But it wont be long before their bitten by the reality bug
^^I really liked this stanza, the last line really made me laugh for it is true in a lot of ways.
``````````
The home of abused is merely a home
Her father an alcoholic, her mother gone
Left to fend for herself with no other family to go to
Alone and afraid with no one to help her go through,
Trying to find something even if it's only a little clue...
^^A nice joining stanza, that keeps the flow going smoothly on to the next stanza.
``````````
As the days pass confused notices abused skin
Black and blue bruises not only out but within
Her smiles have become frowns and her laughter has ceased
Not knowing what to do, not wanting anyone to see
But confused shrugs it off as if she doesnt notice...
^^Talk about a deep and emotional piece, this stanza brings that foward. The imagery shown here is very good.
``````````
After days of no abused, confused pays a visit
Only to find a paper on the door saying one word: Evicted
Fear takes hold of her heart as she contemplates the situation
"Where did she go?" she cries out in desperation
^^I liked the rhythm and rhyme of this stanza. The flow was excellent and made a great ending to a greatly constructed piece of poetry.
``````````
Overall a great write, keep up the excellent work.
Peace, Joe
Dark Side of the Sun (23)
by Cayce
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-23
Wow, very powerful and deep write. You choice of words were good. The flow and structure of this poem was good. I really liked the repetition of the that one line, it really made it stick out a little more.
Your wording created great imagery for this piece, I could really visualize it.
I am not one for dark poems usually, but I felt this was very well exicuted and well thought out.
Excellent write, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Love Cannot Live in my Damaged Heart (23)
by Cayce
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-23
Very interesting write (in a good way). I am not used to seeing vocabulary used in such a manor where everything just kind of fits together like a puzzle.
The flow was good as well as the structure of the poem, however; I felt that it ubruptly stoped. I was reading and just starting to get into the poem and then I was cut off by a dead end.
Overall a great write that obviously took some thought to produce. Excellent work as always, keep up the great work. You have a lot of talent, and I'll be back to read more.
Peace, Joe
The Wait (31)
by Cindy
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-16
Wow, excellent write with so much imagery and feeling within. Your choice of words was simple yet had a deep impact against the reader. The flow was flawless in my opinion as well as the structure. Overall a nice write, however; I felt it could of been a lot stronger with puncuation throughout. Keep up the great writes.
Peace, Joe
I'll Watch You Move (8)
by I know my destination but am just not there
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-04-08
Wonderful write, I actually would think this would be better as a song, but that's just my opinion.
The flow was good, but could of been better if you added puncuation at the end of your lines. The structure was good too. I felt your choice of words was just ok however, they where simple and could of had a little better vocabulary in my opinion. Also words such as, runnin' should be changed to, "running" it makes the poem flow much better.
Overall it was just an ok peice for me, keep up the good work.
Peace, Joe
Society's Perfection (26)
by Bloody Razor Tells It All
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-26
Wow, very nicely written. I loved the flow of it as well as the rhymes. However, I felt this could of been a lot strong with puncuation and work on the structure.
The structure, went from being 4 lines to 3 back to 4 then to 1 at the end. It was just all over the place, if it was structured better, I felt it would've been a lot better.
Overall a wonderful, you have a lot of talent, keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Fake smiles with crocodile tears (10)
by Sher
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-13
Wow, emotion filled and excellently written. I loved your choice of words, and the flow was good as well as the structure.
However, I felt the piece could of been a lot strong and mended together a bit better if you used puncuation.
Overall, a great emotion filled piece that was greatly written by a good poet. Keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Even If You Don't, Pretend To Love Me For A Second (9)
by xLilMissFrostyx
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-11
An excellent write from an good poet. I loved your choice of words. You used a very wide selection of vocabulary, which is always nice to see. The structure was very good and well put together.
I personally feel the flow was off, perhaps changing it up a little bit to make it flow better. Also I noticed, there really isn't a rhyming scheme, although rhyming isn't always needed in poems, I feel with a little bit of rhyme, the flow would become better.
As good as this poem was, I felt it could of been a lot better with puncuation at the end of each stanza/line.
Overall, a wonderful write. Keep up the great work.
Peace, Joe
Take A Bow (Now It's All Over) (14)
by xLilMissFrostyx
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-11
I love the story, yes I said story, this is nothing more than a story to me. The way you worded it, the structure, no rhyme scheme (even though a lot of poems don't have one) it just felt like a plain old story to me.
Now don't get me wrong, I loved your vocabulary and the way you worded everything.
The flow was just ok in my eyes, perhaps if you did rhyme it would feel more like a poem. I just don't know what it is about this "poem" but I just don't like the feel of it.
Using puncuation would have made this piece a lot stronger and robust. Yes you have thoughout the poem, but at the end of each stanza/line would be a benifit as well.
Overall not one of you best I felt, but was deffenitly a very well written piece. Keep up the good work, and I'll keep on reading.
Peace, Joe
Broken Reflection [ Sex , Drugs . and Cocoa Puffs ] (14)
by I R Jordannn
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-10
Wow, ok very different poem from what I'm used to reading, but that's not a bad thing, I liked it.
The flow was good, but could be better I felt.
I absolutly loved your word choice, you have a way with words.
Very nicely written piece of poetry.
Ok, enough with the praise and time for the constructive critisium.
The structure could of been a lot better, I felt like I was reading a book the way it was laid out, paragrapgh after paragragh almost. Perhaps making stanzas would be a lot more of a help.
For example lets take the first "paragraph"
"Dying is your latest fashion , and you ' re fashionably late ; just like usual .
Walking around with the posture of someone who ' s carried a burden .
Strutting past the boys that break their necks just to catch a glance -
As the smell of your French vanilla perfume and a hint of cigarette smoke linger ."
And turn it into a "Stanza"
Dying is your latest fashion,
And you're fashionably late;
Just like usual.
Walking around
With the posture of someone
Who's carried a burden.
Strutting past the boys
That break their necks
Just to catch a glance -
As the strong smell
Of your French vanilla perfume
And a hint of cigarette smoke linger.
Also, I'd advice not to seperate puncuation, for example, "you ' re" should be, "you're" it looks much better and also makes it so the reader can read the poem with out hesitation. And of course it will make the poem flow better as well, for the person reading won't have a pause.
Overall I think this was a wonderful write with great use of vocab. I think it could be broken into a series instead of being so long, but that's just me, others may think it's just fine.
Keep up the hard work. Again a well written peice of poetry.
Peace, Joe
Playful Games, Strong Heart (Collab With Zee) (2)
by xLilMissFrostyx
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-10
Wow, what a write from the both of you. I loved it. The flow was good, but could use a little work here and there. Overall this was a good collab. Great Job you two!!! Your choice of words was excellent, and had great meaning.
Now it's time to have some constructive critisism, Instead of constant praising.
The structure needs a lot of work, it's as though I am reading a book, the whole poem is in paragrapghs, where I feel it would be a lot better in stanzas.
For example lets take the first "paragrapgh"
"Come a little closer this way darling; can you see the hidden spite in my eyes?
Do you remember when I said we wouldn't always be playing on your damn terms,
Well the day's finally arrived; thoughtless lies have finally become a little tired,
How'd you ever fool me when everything you ever uttered was borderline cliche?"
And make it into "Stanzas"
Come a little closer this way darling;
Can you see the hidden spite in my eyes?
Do you remember when I said,
"We wouldn't always be playing on your damn terms"
Well the day's finally arrived;
thoughtless lies have finally become a little tired,
How'd you ever fool me
When everything you ever uttered was borderline cliche?
Also, since this is so so so long, I would make it into a series instead of one poem, that way it breaks it up a little bit, and doesn't get the read uninterested in the piece, I'm not saying this poem isn't interesting, I'm just merely saying, it can be so long that someone may not feel like reading on. Just a suggestion, which I felt would help a little.
Overall a wonderful write from both of you. You both have a way with words and I love the way this turned out. Keep up the fantastic work!!!
Peace, Joe
Our Love Will Have No End (28)
by Cindy
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-07
Wow, very nice write. I loved the way you worded it, it came straight from the heart.
The flow was good, but not great, there where a few spots that need improvement.
For example:
"Standing outside the church
Remembering saying our I do's"
That could perhaps be revised to read:
Standing outside the church,
Reminiscing us saying, "I do"
Also, I would advise the use of puncuation within the poem, it will make the reader fully understand how it is to be read.
Overall a great heartfelt peice that was nicely written. Great work!!!
Peace and Love, Joe
Summer Lovers (Double Acrostic in a new sense) (5)
by Sher
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2008-03-07
Very interesting concept of a "Double Acrostic" in a new light. I liked your wording and the way it flowed.
Although it is a structured poem, you made it look effortless and very easy to do. I love acrostics since it gives the usual writter a challenge compared to a lot of other structured poems.
Even though it is a structured poem I must say it was very short, I would have liked to see it a bit longer, for it felt like the poem wasn't fully finished in a sence.
But overall a wonderful write from a great writter. Keep up the great work!!!
Peace and Love, Joe
Questions From The Dearly Departed (34)
by Dave
commented by
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2007-04-25
Wow Dave, I must say that was a very well written peice of poetry. Although I must say, the flow was a bit off, and the reason being was because your syllables didn't match each other in the lines, for example say line 1 had 3 syllables, then line 2 should also have 3 syllables, it makes the flow that much better in my opinion.
I made a few minor adjustments within your poem, to make it flow a little bit better, so here is my suggestions, you can use them or throw them away, eitherway it doesn't matter to me, because after all this is poetry, it is your work, and you can write it how you want. ok ok enough of my rambling on and on, here are my suggestions:
If I where to die, would you even care?
I mean, what if I was no longer there?
Would the world suddenly end?
Would you mourn me my dear friend?
Would you feel such deep sorrow,
That you'd care not tomorrow?
Would you somehow honor me?
Could that set your conscience free?
Would people I hardly knew suddenly claim to have been my close friend?
Would they pledge their assistance to the freezing, and bitter end?
Could you survive without me?
Move on through life and just be?
How many people would attend my funeral service?
Would the chapel be full and the eulogizer nervous?
Who would deliver my eulogy?
Would they say wonderful things about me?
As my corpse lays upon the front of the hall
Would some be planning their afternoon at the mall?
What would become of my precious family?
All those who have grown to rely upon me.
Would the show of support be overwhelming at first?
But slowly diminish once they get through the worst?
I would be sadly gone, and simply not here.
They'd be alone to fight through the heartache and fear.
So what if I was to die right here at this very spot?
Trying to finish a poem but this was as far as I got.
Would I be able to write the rest in my head?
Or would I just be gone, cold, and simply put, dead.
The world would continue along without me
Others now being where I used to be.
At first my presence would still seem so willingly strong
But then slowly diminish as they all move along
Of course they would talk amongst themselves and say, "Remember him?"
But over time these occurrences would grow increasingly slim.
Simply forgotten as time wastes away
My existence more vanished with each passing day
The more that I ask, the better I see
This question is not for you, it's more just for me.
So I'll rephrase and make it concise
No sugar coating to make it sound nice
If I where to die, why should I even care?
It would simply just mean that I'm no longer there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Overall great poem, greatly written. The flow as I stated above I felt was a little off here and there. The structure was great. Keep up the wonderful work.
Peace, Joe
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