Praised comments by BrokenREALiTy

Serendipity (13)
by Valedico

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-13

First off, I want to thank you for the comment you left a month ago on a piece that meant very much to me. I went reading through your pieces to comment back, and I started to notice that I had so much to stay that I'd end up procrastinating some more ... and though I'm still procrastinating now--I might as well put that wasted time to good use and return a well appreciated favour.

your opening is perfect, and quite frankly very relevant to my own poetry. it's truth to me, as i write and i find that i spit wonderful emotions that i didn't find that i would discover. serendipity is just ... the flawless choice.

i love that it's like apples. "plucked" again, true to my own writing. this basket being my brain, my pen, my paper. the decaying being when poets find that their pieces just don't live up to what they want it to be.

first, i love the rhyme. it fits! :P and so real to an author's heart. like trying to find words that can portray what we mean to say ... attempt, attempt only to find that we don't succeed.

Perhaps travel to cobwebbed
ruins, and let my eyes
feast upon
mummified clauses,
to find that nobody cares
for bones anymore.

`AGH. As you can see, i copied and pasted this, unlike the other stanzas. Why? Because it's so freaking amazing that I want to read it while I'm typing this ramble XD it's just so ... holycow~ a beautiful play on words. the ruins are the fading veins to our hearts; the nerve endings to our minds where we "pluck" our every word. bandaged and wrapped so carefully, yet dusty and just so old--our memories are absolutely mesmerizing only now that we've come across these ruins ... nobody cares about where they came from or their support--just what they are and what they're worth.

next stanza reminds me of when i tell people i tripped over rocks, dusted dirt of my shoulder and kicked at the ground pulling me down until i found diamonds :)

lovely ending. truly brings it back to a full circle.

brilliant write! and absolutely deserving of the win. congrats.

..__MiNDYY

Why Can't She Be Loved? (11)
by Cayce

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-18

Hello, Cayce :)

I loved the first stanza's imagery. I've seen sparkles mixed with dust, and it's not pretty! But at the same time, you can see the shimmer beneath and a part of you still wants to pick it up, dust it off and admire the pretty glimmer. It's like painting a symbolic picture for the "she" whoever she may be.

Fog makes me think softness, because it's so easily swept away when on a hard surface. I felt like she was wiping a part of her away that kept her compassionate and loving--or maybe a guy's tearing her apart and leaving her with nothing.

Agh. Suicide imagery! I actually liked the repeating of "dream" so many times in a row. It makes it seem more ... authentic, because I mean, seriously, how often do people NOT repeat a certain word in a certain sentence a certain amount of times? :) I love the sort of irony, when there's blood and yet she feels safe.

that smile, so bright
`I felt like the comma just killed the flow by stuffing in a sort of pause. it seems unnecessary, or maybe I'm just weird.

lightening
`I think you mean lightning :)

The beauty just referred back to the lightning in my opinion. Personally, I think the sky is gorgeous when it's storming with dark clouds and lots and lots of lightning, as long as a tornado or hurricane doesn't suddenly come my way XD And I feel like, whoever she loves is the danger--or maybe love itself is that beautiful thing that harms and she knows this, but she still wonders why anyone won't risk themselves to love her!

That's my take on it anyway.
It definitely wasn't your best, but I still fancied it.

..__MiNDYY

I Once Spilt My Milk on Purpose (3)
by ether

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-06

First Stanza;; Your use of "liquid eyes" led up to fighting against the wind for me. I know sometimes when I'm trying to make my way back home, the gust is so strong I start to cry or my eyes feel like they're going to melt. I love the imagery here--I actually picture someone, scarred, torn, gasping for breath. "Fighting against the wind, For a single breath to stay." Such a beautiful metaphor--trying to stay alive and make it through when your body seems to be strangling you.

Awkward as the first kiss,
Destructive as the last,
`I can tell you have a way with words. I love that your choices are simple, nothing too abstract but they contain more than many pieces drenched in adjectives and metaphors. Yours are short, straightforward, but they hold more meaning than others. This, might just be one of the most favourite lines I've ever read in my life. The first kiss is what introduces you to a beautifully awkward world, and it's sweet, but the most recent one leaves you in irony as what gave you love also ended it (a kiss.)

Third Stanza;; I don't know if I quite fancy the reuse of "liquid eyes" here. It works well with the sunglasses though. Hm. But I love that although you've struck a pose--living it big and just going through life on a breeze--you're hiding yourself with the shades. Makes the reader wonder, is she really happy? Because feeling the liquid eyes seep--it could be interpreted as crying, or the departure of sadness.

Fourth Stanza;; I love it. It poses the question that many that have been hurt don't seem to be able to see--did you love what they used to be or them? Or the mere idea of them that you've clung onto until now? But then you're hurt anyway, so what now?

Fifth Stanza;; I get the picture of someone standing on the tallest building in the world and just staring out into the nothingness. They're looking at the world, but it's the memories replaying in front of their eyes--but the memories are brushing past them (hence, eye contact of souls disappearing--the person's being one of them.) Beautiful metaphor. Heartbreaking imagery.

Sixth Stanza;; the use of "buried" ... It makes me feel like, although they locked the door, they still want the key to be found. If it's buried, there's still the possibility. Intentional? *shrugs. Just thought it was an interesting choice.

though diamonds,
`I think you meant through

Eyes turned from liquid to stone.
Ripped apart my chest to briefly check,
Nearly choked from ashes gushing out.
`Holy [insert crude expression here.]!
Here I get the idea that the eyes are the windows to the soul--your soul used to be free, flowing and clear. Then it started to leak. And now it's frozen. Nothing can get in and nothing can get out. All you can do it break the stone, shatter it--the way whoever hurt you has metaphorically done already. And the image of ashes gushing out... Oh, man. Wonderfully done. Phenomenal ending.

..__MiNDYY

I Dislike Titles (With Brackets in Them) (5)
by ether

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-06

First Stanza;; I get the image or someone walking right by you--and you can just feel that they're leaving; it's over. No words are spoken, because the vibrations of his departing footsteps say everything. You'd secretly given him more chances than one, but he never bothered to turn the sheets and look. So he stomped all over you, but you never walked all over him--hence, the heart on your pant leg, because a heart on your sleeve would be so much easier to see and to take. But despite this, he was the only person that saw you--truly saw you. And for that, you adored him.

Second Stanza;; the irony of cracking a frown when a frown is sometimes referred to as a cracked smile.

Took some time so I can outlive
The leaves on the trees falling beneath me.
`Beautiful lines. You have an amazing originality to you. Your word choice is flawless when it comes to your metaphors. This made me think, that your life had become the relationship, and you made the effort to try and outlive it--because it was as short as the lifespan of the leaves falling underneath you. Stunning imagery.

Even is not square just odd in conversation,
Odd is never even, and an event to attend
Is not something you know how to do.
Flow cannot be rocky only smooth or not there.
And you, four feet under and counting,
Are simply not there at all.
`Your conversations with him are never neutral--I have a feeling it's referring to fighting a lot? That, or he was always in charge. It was his word and his word was law kind of thing. And he never knew how to do anything right. Especially the big things ("an event"). Maybe forgot a big anniversary? Birthday? Your ending is a charming choice. The counting can be interpreted as you counting how far away he is--when really, he isn't there at all. That, or he's far down counting the many hearts he has broken, and the person you thought he was was merely a figment of your imagination--hence, he isn't there at all.

Well done :)
I must say, I am envious.

..__MiNDYY

Beating The Ghoul... (20)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-06

"Nooses of suffering were getting tighter."
`getting sounds like such an elementary word. maybe "growing" or something of the like.

Settled, dominated and played his tricks.
Trapped that poor soul selfishly,
`I feel like it should be "played by." Because I feel like the person settled, dominated and played the personification of OCD instead of him playing the person. I think it would sound better as "trapping" that poor soul instead of trapped. Too many "-ed" words in a row kills the smoothness of the piece.

But alas...
`it sounds too formal, and that formality just pops out of no where. it's like something i would read in some boring history book--and an overused sort of word (alas) to conclude things or lead them to demise.

the claws of his
`it was an awkward mouthful when reading it out loud... kind of unnecessary to switch words around, but that's just my opinion.

in the end, i felt like you just ended up repeating what you had already said in different tense. i liked the assonance but it was just constant reuse of words. I do appreciate that you took the time to write a piece on OCD, as I have a minor form of it--it's not as consuming as the one described in your piece, but i do know people who suffer from severe OCD. It was a decent piece, but not one of my favourites from you.

Keep at it :)

..__MiNDYY

Trench Warefare Of Artillery Hearts (8)
by Melpomene

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-06

Yay, new poem :)
That is taking me forever trying to interpret. xD
This is more ... straightforward than your usual pieces, but the beauty of your words are still there which is cor.

I am a fan of darkness,
his lips seem to beckon desire.
`I love that you admit that you fancy darkness--which to me, could be the bad boy, the player, the mysterious one, or the just plain not-good-for-you kind of guy. I'm sure we've all aimlessly walked toward someone we knew wasn't good for us, so the use of "beckon" here is perfect.

To sweep into monochrome is;
only to die a better man.
Though he'll catch me;
is it really worth falling
into the gas chambers of war
I'll purge my existence.
`Stunning. I'm rather stuck on the meaning behind monochrome and dying a better man... Maybe be be straight laced and ... generic is to be the "better man" ? But when you say "only," I feel like you're brushing it off in the sense that it's like, "But who wants to be the better man anyway?" Adding onto the darkness. And I love the metaphor and the imagery here. It transitions from a sweep of monochrome to gas chambers of war--ironic, beautiful. You realize that he's not healthy for you, and you're debating whether it's really worth it... now I'm just trying to figure out whether "purge" here is in the sense that you'll erase yourself or to free yourself from sin--maybe you've already given yourself to him but you're lying to yourself? and that's a "sin" in itself? So many possibilities.

I've bred my insanity within;
accumulate trenches.
`Insanity is the bad guy--but you're breeding (love the choice of word!) it within your growing protection against enemy fire. It's a paradox within itself; your heart is half the enemy--that is already within your barrier--and the other half (the person) is standing right there waiting for you to surrender.

Warfare seems beautiful when
armed by artillery.
A stalemate has occurred; for
we're battling light again.
The western front of his heart
is like a match within the night.
`oh, god this is absolutely mesmerizing. the sun sets in the west--"a match within the night." love (warfare) SEEMS beautiful when dangerous (armed by artillery.) but when placed between your heart and mind, it's always stalemate because you'll never know which is right and which is wrong--the light, the line between what you want and what you shouldn't obtain. Yet through it all, one side (and only one side) of his heart is your light through his darkness. But that's enough for you, because at least then he isn't full "bad."

We shall battle till the end,
Only to weaken our hearts.
`Flawless ending. In my interpretation, you're basically fighting. You're fighting against your mind and for your heart, and he's fighting for you. The constant battle will end someday, but despite the outcome, both your hearts will weaken. Whether or not you'll be strong enough to strengthen them together--or alone--is left up to the reader to ponder.

Wonderfully structured; beautifully written. I love how you were able to build and branch off from one single metaphor throughout the whole entire piece. Amazing write. As per usual :)

..__MiNDYY

He's Pulling Me Through (6)
by Nicole the Fairy

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-05

At times, I felt like words were ... awkwardly placed within the piece just so it would rhyme or work together. It cut the flow short randomly, but in general, it was pretty decent.

It's quite possible that this is because poetry to me is more ... metaphorical and full of imagery. It builds a sort of, ambiance around the piece and I just didn't get that. But,

I loved the repetition of

It's a small crime, but he's pulling me through.

Referring to the act as a small crime tells me that you obviously love the other person more. "Shiny, clean and unwillingly loaded." The use of unwillingly, it makes me think the one you're cheating on handed you the gun to shoot him with. He wanted you to kill him and instead you shot him in the foot or something. Hence, "small crime."

When I think about it, it's rather deep. Which is amazing, because your piece is pretty straightforward. No need to really think and look much further. The whole concept of this person pulling you through is beautiful... I get the image of someone surrounded by blood, and a clean hand reaches and grabs for her bloody one, dragging her away from the darkness of it all and although it's horrible what she did, she's still happy.

Well done :)

..__MiNDYY

Serpentine Kiss (6)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-09

First off, I really like your title. I don't think I've ever seen anyone on here use the word "Serpentine." It's a fresh, eye catching name.

Grievous thirst, perish!
Succumb to my somber needing,
tranquility of blissful surrealism,
a soundtrack of lustful heartbeats.
Portrayed, embodied within the sunset,
crescendo sentiments whisper to auras.
`Hm, I'm interpreting the first line as ... a severe desire for someone--whether lust or love, or both--that's ... not "right" or "accepted" (somber) and at times you can control it, but even then it's screaming to rip from within you (crescendo whispering ... the irony is stunningly clever.) But despite this, it's a calming, beautiful emotion. The image you paint with your words here portrays exactly that.

Summoned thoughts hold flowers,
summertime beauty and fragrant meadows.
`A much simpler worded stanza, yet it holds so much more emotion to me. I feel like you started out in lust, and slowing progressed into something more, and right here is exactly when you realize it's more than just infatuation. The ambiance created here is more content, and calm. As if you've stopped debating within yourself whether it's merely physical or emotional.

Obey wildfire longings,
silky products of amber serenity;
walking down the moonlit chapel,
distant voice electrocutes misery:
Grievous thirst, perish!
`Now you're giving into temptation and ... contemplating marriage? Hm. This stanza is rather alluding... Or maybe I'm not thinking hard enough. I feel like, this is the final step in completing a relationship through marriage--and you're about to get cold feet, but that little voice comes stomping and kills that doubt and your thirst "perishes" as you enter fulfillment.

Or maybe I'm completely wrong, but then ... poetry is always interpreted differently. Either way, I think you did nicely with this. And the repetition was flawless. First, you're conflicted and telling yourself to get rid of this conflict (thirst) and then you end it with the same line, only it's a different tone and basically concluding the whole piece.

Beautifully wrapped in the end.

..__MiNDYY

The Eyes Rarely Lie (5)
by Melpomene

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-08

What a coincidence! I was finishing up a comment for one of your pieces from yesterday night after you commented on mine today! :) Anyways, that was kind of ... futile. xD But you were spot on about the first interpretation... of punishing someone and regretting it and such. I'm glad someone understood. Anyways... (again)

Your pieces seem to be becoming more ... blatantly metaphorical. It's absolutely dazzling the way you work such candor, and yet there's such deep meaning lying beneath your words.

Reminded I am,
by the constellation of stars.
`This translated pretty simple for me. I'm thinking late night talks and watching the stars with a loved one--maybe a friend, or a significant other. I like the way you word it though--it's not generic.

For on those lonely hours
I collapsed within the wind.
`The image or even just the idea of being able to collapse within the wind is absolutely breathtaking. I feel like, you're standing out in the open twilight and there's... a huge windstorm or something of the like, and it's blowing strongly, enough to allow your stance to falter--but instead of blowing you away to Cloud Nine, it merely knocks you down to the-- for some reason I'm imagining--rainy pavement. Gorgeous opening stanza. Simple but effective.

Beneath the particals I
`Did you mean "particles" ?

Beneath the particals I
restricted sight. Visions of
destruction plagued Jupiter.
`Ooh... Jupiter... King of Gods ... (or were you actually talking about the planet? XD) When I imagine this, I see you picturing the "destruction" of a someone--specifically a lover (even more pinpoint is a male) for him doing you wrong.

Isolated I sat,
more alone than you,
waiting in whispers
for truth.
`This is really powerful. You create a heartbreaking ambiance to the piece in the beginning, and then this sounds sort of angered, but at the same time, extremely sad--and it's a stunning effect. When you say "more alone than you," I get this sort of feeling where you're kind of like, "You can't even begin to imagine how this feels." And then that last half of the stanza ... Wow. Whispers to me are when you tell someone secrets--waiting IN the whispers for TRUTH? Amazing wording. It's like you can still hear this person that you lost talking in your head--but it's so quiet, it's like whispers. And you're trying to figure out if it's real or if you're just hallucinating.

OR... You're thinking back to the words they said that gave you warmth and love and such, and you're trying to decipher which of those little whispered conversations were real and which were lies.

Within the shadows
Four eyes came.
`Now I'm lost in the four eyes part. Maybe he's moved on and found someone else? So he emerges with another and it's actually kind of scary... Because I imagine something from horror movies--four eyes coming out of the shadows, you know? It's haunting, and seeing someone you love replace you is just as horrifying.

Invisible
Unseen
Forgotten.
`This is such a beautiful repetition. The first time this shows up, it's pretty basic: got dumped, or wronged and now it's like you're invisible and light enough to be knocked over by the wind. On the other hand, now that person is standing right in front of you, and they're looking you in the face--but either way you're still "invisible, unseen, forgotten." And when you end with "I died." It's utterly moving.

Everything was so simply stated and worded, yet there's so much depth. Maybe I interpreted things wrong, but this was my take on it. Another amazing write. Lovely job.

..__MiNDYY

Call Me Medusa If You Must (6)
by Melpomene

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-08

Call me Medusa if you must,
though I do believe it's
you who has become a snake.
Spitting venomous poison
while turning hearts to stone.
`Ooh. That's vicious. And kind of conceited LOL But then at the same time, Medusa isn't actually attractive from what I remember xD I have no real interpretation of this.

99cents for your trouble, could
ferry you to hell. Must've
been the warmth which
attracted him to the pits.
`Okay, now I ADORED this to the depths of evermore. Not only is it amusingly mocking, but extremely charming and witty. I'm getting the feeling that you're a femme fatale or something.

I'll admit my appeal to
Hades, is no more then
subtle illusion. Though as
Aphrodite beckoned, of
course you'd answer her call.
`Oh, my, gosh. I fancy this piece to the point of ... I don't know, I'm kind of brain dead right now. I love how it's like, You know you're attractive and amazing, but you're also dangerously destructive and you think it's really daft for someone to go after you, but you know you're like a goddess seeing as how you used Aphrodite :)

I'll give you a dollar
for the boat ride. A one way
ticket to the waste land
might heal my thirst for revenge.
`When I think femme fatale, I think revenge. It's odd, sort of, so this all kind of loops together and is rather straightfowardly simple to me. Maybe I'm not getting the big picture, but then it's a dark/fantasy piece.

An awesome one at that :)
Sorry I don't really have anything ... interesting to say. XD

..__MiNDYY

Hold On Tight, Sweetie, We're Falling Faster (5)
by Cayce

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-20

...Omg. I never read this one! *dies.

it's death
`its

First stanza is deadly. Being a (regretfully) ballerina myself, the thought of a never-ending performance makes me shiver with the intensity and lethality of such an image. I actually pictured a beautiful coryphée doing some insanely sick dance, and just collapsing from the lack of air. Stunning.

Leaps and bounds so graceful, yet shaky,
rocking you to sleep at night.
`We move through life fragile, beautifully but so insecure or without enough strength. At some point in our lives we become so numb that we just can't stand up anymore, and just curl up in our sheets and sleep.

Comets missile past, unnoticed, unseen.
Mockingbird's songs go unheard.
The glue ripped away, now exposed,
as you lurch through words slurred.
`Gorgeous stanza. The imagery burst through your words here--misguided splendor left unseen. The parts of us that we just don't want to give away and let go of to those we care and trust...

Hold tight to wilted surroundings.
Stumble your way across the stones.
Dear, you're really losing it,
but I'll ignore your imploring moans.
`AHHHHHHH . I LOVE IT! The brush-off at the end, it's so cold, but this is such a true attitude to humanity. Whether we admit it or not, there's more than just a few points in life where we want to or have done this.

Your ending is just adoring. I feel like ... this is a simple way of living and handling and just going through life. It's dark, and we just have to get over it. Blow your wishes and hope they come back to become real ... or just let them flow away.

ily, Cayce and your awesome poems :D

..__MiNDYY

Back At Square One. (Prose/Letter) (13)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-07

*screams. -insert whatever name you prefer to be called by on here, because I don't know-

This was so filled with emotion!

If I had to sum it all up, I laid my heart out there to be dissected.
`dissected. dissected! What stunning imagery that created right there. Holy jeez. And it's so true, too. A literal metaphor for what we do when we give our hearts to someone. We open ourselves up and they get to do whatever they want with our heart, because when we have someone we love, we don't care what they do as long as we're with them. And when they tear us apart, they have access to rip us to shreds.

Third stanza--I really like the fact that you start out pretty negative. It sounds almost as if you're angry with the person, but at the same time you still care. Here, that really shows. It's great revealing such strength, to be able to get through it and still remain friends.

Your ending is filled with strength. It was like, this whole piece you went through every part of your life with this person, and now you'll stay friends with them, but the other half of you that loves him needs to move on--and the first step is admitting it and accepting it. Which is what it sounds like you do here.

Amazing job, hon :)

..__MiNDYY

Entrapment (22)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-04

Sweet venom
`I love that. It's so ironic--contradictory, but so true when it comes to love. Not only is it beautiful, but it's a beautiful danger. Some venoms also cause the victim to become blind, woozy, and/or disoriented. This, to me, is the saying, "Love is blind." What stunning choice. So much is said in two simple words.

when the meaning
of immortal passion
was sprinkled like sand
and lost in fog forever.
`Oh, what gorgeous imagery. And a great representation of the meaning of love being so lost and blurred. There is no sure definition--teenagers run around thinking infatuation is love and such things. The true respect for relationships now are lost, and these words just personify that amazingly.

Your whole second stanza... You have a knack for creating the most hauntingly stunning images. The metaphor... the meaning leaves me breathless. Intelligent minds to me is realistic--it goes up vs. the use of dreams in the verse. In order to be able to weave a web (I'm thinking of lies and deception, or maybe just of life) -- you have to be intelligent or your web wouldn't be able to be well kept enough to be a web.

The ending stanza is absolutely remarkable. I've never read anything like it--or this piece, for that matter. You've blown me away; I completely didn't expect it. But you did an absolutely splendorous job. I applaud you.

..__MiNDYY

Lose Yourself {Triquatrain & Contest} (4)
by BREEawNUHH

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-02

Oh, oh, oh. I love your opening stanza. Wow. I get the feeling that you're hiding on purpose, to see if he'll bother looking for you, and you want him to find you, but at the same time you don't. Though I can't figure out why. And hiding only if he dares ... it gives me the idea that you don't want him to hide like you are because you were hoping he had balls enough (excuse my language) to stand up and look for you instead of waiting for you to find him instead.

Your second stanza didn't stand out as much. It's what you'd typically find in a lot of pieces these days, but the way you worded it didn't make it so cliche sounding. So I wouldn't change it either.

Blood is dripping, you keep sniffling.
Maybe this will erase your past.
`Oh, now that is extremely open to translation. It makes me think that maybe you did something, or gave something up--the boy, maybe? the relationship? And you did it because you thought it was right, and maybe this would erase a very bad past of yours where you did wrong. Or, maybe you're just saying that the tears will wash away your history. Hm.

OH MY GOSH. What an ending! Now from this, I get such a beautiful picture. A shattered porcelain doll (don't ask why my mind chose porcelain, because I don't either) on the floor belonging to a girl that this boy standing there loved. Hrm, now I'm really looking into this. AH, but so many possibilities! It's like, broken on the floor and him finding you there is saying you'd rather be dead to fall into his arms again. That you hid yourself, not because you wanted him to find you, but because you were afraid. Or maybe you didn't want to see him again, because you'd go vulnerable to melt into puddles at his feet.

AH, I really adore this piece, minus the second stanza xD Because I didn't see it fit in too much, even though it does. Ish.

Well done :)

..__MiNDYY

What Hurts the Most [Darling, you make me sick] (10)
by Cayce

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-01

Can you, please, refill my prescription of lies?
`AAAAAAAAH I love that :) Prescription ... Nice use, Cayce, dear.

But pretending was so much sweeter to these taste buds, than choking down acid truth like the foul taste of medicine. You know, that kind the doctor always prescribed before you were lucky enough to swallow pills.
`Oh, my, GOD. I totally didn't expect you to build on the prescription thing, but you did and jees, that was freakin' amazing. The bitterness and anger of your words just fly off the page and it's like I can feel them being shoved down my throat. The vividness ... the adjectives were really effective. Lovely play on words, m'dear. It makes me think, though, that though you say "lucky" to have pills (I almost typed pillows LOL) -- you can also choke on pills, and I'm getting the vibe that you're hoping for some luck of your own that this person you're breezing at will choke.

threatening the come up.
`did you mean to come up? Though, when I read it, the come up sounds more final, like it iS going to come up--the question is, when.

Candy-coating your words before you thrust them down my throat.
`*squeals. AH! i ADORE THiS WiTH EVERYTHiNG i HAVE. OMG. My best friend would love this (the one that waved). It's so ... true. Wow.

Eyes stinging with acidic tears, burning holes in the floor.
`Okay, I've read acid tears stinging eyes, but burning holes in (I think it should be into instead, btw, but maybe I'm just being weird. your choice.) the floor is definitely something new. Very original, and the imagery is just ... stunning. Very dark.

And just maybe I'd do anything to have you pour those liquor filled lies down my throat again. Intoxicate the mind before taking advantage of the weak, and playing make-believe with my fragile heart.
`Ooh. I think I'm going to faint. You are getting so much better. The emotions just pour through this beautifully. It's almost mystifying. So much better than some pieces I've read from you before, because this whole thing is just metaphorical.

Your ending. AH! Absolutely brilliant. Quite frankly, I wouldn't change anything O___O

Lovely write, m'dear.
..__MiNDYY

She's Got a First Class Ticket to a Night Alone. (16)
by Blissful

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-01

*stares. I pushed the wrong vote button O__O I wonder if it got my number vote, too ...

Anyhoo:

Your first two lines start out kind of typical but then I hit the "prosaic polar bear" and from there, you've done it. The use of a stuffed animal (I'm assuming it's a stuffed animal and I didn't miss something...) is brilliant. Polar bears are white, pure and cute. The added adjective ... symbolizes to me, her purity being tained by all these tears. The description and imagery portrays her sadness and heartbreak beautifully. It's stunning. And makes me think that this is the only friend she can turn to, and even this friend is starting to deteoriorate. Ending the first stanza with ... anger at herself for not being able to let go, but also feeling sorry for herself--because in my eyes, cries for affection are vulnerability and cries of weakness. It's not a bad thing. And it's perfectly universal, which makes it all the more powerful.

Clasping tightly to a beaten down, prosaic polar bear
Recalling the loving day when its warmth comforted
Its fur showing signs of late night tears cried silently
Looking into its black eyes, his image quietly appears
With all her force she flings it into the gloomy corner
`A whole story is told in these lines--I see it so clearly: The day she's abandoned, and the way she finds comfort with this bear within her arms giving her some hope. But so many tears and so much emotion is starting to wear the fur of the bear out--she's so hopeless without any clue what to do that she finds herself just staring into the eyes of a lifeless animal, and even in her only happiness does she find his face haunting her. It's ironic.

I don't know about the use of "clingy" in the last stanza. It seems sort of ... awkward. Weird. I feel like it should be "Clinging" instead, but maybe that's just me. I love the use of "purge" though. It's a great image. I get the picture of a girl just sitting there daydreaming, and love purging through her wall is her dream in a faint bubble above her head. And then at that last line, that bubble pops and she's alone in her dimmed room.

Another great write, Bliss :)

..__MiNDYY

We Weren't Meant to Be. (10)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-01

This really wasn't one of your best. I was actually sort of disappointed. There were a lot of "I"s and I felt like there was too much telling instead of showing. The emotion was there, but it didn't really jump out enough. Like you're telling everything like it is and it was more just a paragraph of a letter that you broke sentences into parts and made them verses.

As I reread it though, there are some of the blatant lines that I actually found extremely useful and powerful.

It hurts me to know that I liked you,
and unexpectedly got nothing in return.
`Like there. You say unexpectedly got nothing in return. It shows a confidence in a relationship that didn't exist yet, and many girls need that now-a-days. Guys, too. We always bring ourselves down, hoping for the worst and normally getting it -- it doesn't hurt so much. But you show confidence, which makes it hurt all the more when you don't get what you expect. It's quite clever, actually.

I think that I'm meant for someone else,
who can give me more than what you could.
`These lines show such strength, it's amazing. Getting over someone and being able to actually say this straight out about them and to them is a huge step. Whether intentional or not, you're sort of insulting them, saying they couldn't provide enough to keep you with them. And it makes me smile :)

So overall, it could've been written better. I think it was because of lack of imagery and metaphor and I normally LOVE imagery and metaphor ... so I'm being sort of biased.

It was a good, but not GREAT poem.

Keep it up though, because I know you have more masterpieces as opposed to your previous ones coming ;D

..__MiNDYY

Miracle. (18)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-01

Third stanza. Double use of care ... Grab a thesaurus and use another word? And I felt like it was the beginning of that stanza that cut the flow off short, but it starts to get on its way again later.

You've gratified my every illusion, wish, hope.
`It bothers me that you don't have an "and" there. It's necessary really, since it's not like I haven't done that before. But for some reason it seems weird...

It also bothered me the double use of miracle at the very end of your piece so soon and so close to each other.

But other than that, I feel like this piece was better than the one I previously read. Though, again, not your best, it was definitely better. I felt like you could've used more than just telling the reader about how much you feel grateful, since, if you're writing a poem for them and about them that's so optimistic, of course we know you care about them.

But then when we're writing pieces like this for our friends and those we love, I guess that's just the same things we want to repeat over and over again for them to know.

It was a nice write.
..__MiNDYY

Wasting Time Away With You. (14)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-18

Sorry I'm commenting this so late T__T Been really jet-lagged after camp. So:

I love how you started this. It was a lot different from your usual pieces, and it seems, my dear, that you are improving quite well :) I think it somewhat bothered me that the first line of the first actual stanza had "tick" in it though ... But there's nothing really that can be done by that.

Instantaneously she fills up with excitement.
She leaps up from the couch-
`I feel like it would sound better without both "up"s.

as a smile rushes over her beautiful face.
`I think it would sound better as "across" instead of "over." I don't know how it would sound to you though.

He gives them to her and gives her a sweet
peck on her rosy red cheek.
`The repeated "gives" in one line allows the piece to falter slightly. Maybe "He gives them to her, along with a sweet,
peck on her rosy velvet cheek." [The red also bothered me ... so maybe another word in place of that?]

Your second to last stanza has sweetly drawn imagery. It's so clear, and though it's a cliche picture, the way you created the piece just made it romantic instead of overused.

I really liked the way you ended it. It was like something you'd see in a movie--AND in real life, which made it more realistic to me.

Well done, love.
..__MiNDYY

Lost Dreams Don't Shatter; They Bleed Hope. (26)
by Blissful

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-04

I love the contrast within the title--A line that starts and goes through with sadness, but ends with a more brighter word. "Hope." It's like after you go through a long few months or even a year of hell because of losing someone ... but there will always be some change at the end for the better.

Tripping on broken promises and unchanging lies
`We fall into love with both swords drawn, but we're always looking again so far with rose-coloured eyes that we can't see or even bother to look down at our feet and where we're going. The trouble that we go through end up dropping at our feet, but we can't tell. We just walk and fall on our faces, but we always get back up.

She fell deeply in the unknown with no fear, worry
Downside? Young girl required to carry a safety net
`I like that you put in an optimistic sort of line that she doesn't have fear or such things--but then you create a downside and you start it with a question. And the answer is a unique way of putting it. It sounds like a rule, and if only there were really a safety net for life.

Damaged heart, an apparent understatement ...fading
`OH OH OH!!!!! (That is the first time I've ever done so many exclamation marks after one another, just pointing out, because that's important :]) I love that! "an apparent understatement" -- it's just so brilliant.

Your third stanza created absolutely stunning imagery. I actually want to try and draw it... A heart crying, damaged and bleeding hope. And whispers through stars flying and pieces of shattered dreams and okay I'll stop because I'm just repeating the whole stanza. xD

Your whole piece is saddening, but I found it amazing that you have something in each stanza that shines light on it. The whole piece, especially the end, is just a symbolism for life. For all the bad we go through, there will always be a good that's worth it :)

Brilliant.
..__MiNDYY

Set me free!!!!! (2)
by BiteXmeXedwardXcullen

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-02

I think ... using "wanna" takes away from the sophistication of a piece. And in your second stanza, the continuous flimsy rhyme also takes away from the piece. Third stanza, the "your" should be "you're." Both of them.

your've
`you've

I think you should re-word most of the piece. It has potential to be something, but right now, it's just mediocre. There were a couple lines that stuck out, but you say everything too blatantly, and it doesn't really SHOW us anything. The emotion was bland, and the use of ! at the end made me read it cheerfully... What's a cheerful piece doing in dark? *shrugs. My opinion, re-work it.

Anorexia nervosa poem (27)
by Noor says promises are meant to last

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-01

Thin, thinner, the thinnest
fat, fatter, me
`I loved this. I thought it was an extremely unique use of ... I don't know what to call it, but sticking in "me" in there was just clever.

I can be whole day without eating
`I agree with what Faith said. Is that what you were going for, because as the fragment is, it doesn't make sense.

I want to fit in small size
`I did not like the choice of adding this in there. The wording was flimsy, and it made the piece sound child-like.

haven't you realize?
`should be "realized" . Watch verb tense.

Why to show you a pearl
when I can show you an empty shell
`I ADORE this metaphor! The symbolism is stunning. I've never seen it that way, nor have I ever seen "pearl" used in a piece about anorexia.

So the technical stuff, the flow was consistent, but some of your word choices were just ... weird. They didn't make the piece really pounce at you, but it still stuck out in its own way, which is good and usually not easy to do.

..__MiNDYY

The Diary; Confessions of a Loving Heart. (6)
by Blissful

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-30

Huh, this is different from your usual style. Prose :) Or at least half of it is. So I'm debating whether it was intentional or not... I do say, though, I have a feeling I would've loved it more if it were in full poetic form, but that's just a thought.

So onto the actual piece:

I actually found it kind of funny that the girl has SO much more to say than the guy. It looks like there's a good extra five lines or so, but I think it's kind of clever... because in my experience, guys are so much simpler than it comes to confessing. Girls freak out over every little detail and cover every scenario and pay attention to everything--guys are more straight-up. Maybe that just applies to my friends *shrugs. But I saw the contrast in length as a symbolism, sort of...

As the teacher rambles on about Shakespeare [or was it Emerson today?]
`I quite liked this. It's a small detail, but it really showcases that she's paying attention to him and only him, and the world is sort of "disappearing" as he's around, like in movies. It kind of felt like I was watching one. Haha :) And that they're reading Shakespeare or Emerson--when I think of those two, I think of love, so I found that to be a sort of link.

Though it's quite the cliche idea, I think you did really well with it. Or it could just be I'm biased since I love your work ... I felt like, your two stanzas weren't as powerful as they could've been, though. It was rather weak as opposed to what you've been writing lately, and I found that you could've been more creative, but it could just possibly be that I don't agree with your overall message. Hehe x)

Great write, though, love.
..__MiNDYY

Waiting on the Sun [Prose] (7)
by Cayce

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-30

Counting every second so unwanted thoughts don't creep into my mind.
`Interesting. I've never thought about it that way... How clever. I'm fascinated.

Dreaming is worse than thinking, so I'll take my chances with being conscious. There's no way I want those screaming voices surrounding me again.
`I'm questioning, are those screaming voices your dreams? Because dreams tend to be sweet; a reflection on your desires--which is what I thought here, would be the wish to go back into the memories and make them come alive again. Which is worse than thinking because you have no control over your dreams.

Silence.

Something so loud it could drive you insane, make hair rip from your skull, and nails claw at skin.

Panic!

I can't hear the clock! Has time stopped? Will I be stuck in this wicked space of time eternally? Will I ever leave these vicious memories behind?
`Interesting transition. The silence, not only when laying in bed just waiting, can make you go insane, but also when in a dying or already ended relationship--there's often awkward silences and stares. That drives you insane too. I like that you made that insanity graphic :) And then the Panic! It's ironic that we want time to stop when we're making those memories, so we'll live in them forever, but later on we just want time to move move move its arse! *Sigh.

I thought the ending was a lot weaker than the other two prose you've written, but I still like the whole piece :)

..__MiNDYY

Apetalous (10)
by Melpomene

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-30

I quite like the opening lines, though at first, I didn't. It was kind of like, starting out moderately weak so show the faintness of your emotion, but strengthening it as the piece goes on and repeating those lines as emphasis on how the pain overtakes you. It creeps up, and then it just engulfs everything. And as those lines surround the piece itself, I saw it as just that.

You begin with such beautiful imagery. It's saddening, but so gentle. And you ease into such singing words, it's stunning:

Petals burnt to ember; as
you lied yourself to burn.
`They just really stuck out to me. I can't quite say why ... It just relates to life in my eyes, and you wrote it in such a simple, straightforward, but deep way.

Who are you? I've asked, yet
I'm sure you've never known.
`I adored this. It's so questioning, and I felt anger behind the words I read it, though that might not have been your intent. Answering the question yourself sort of gives off a mockery, and it's quite striking.

And as you end that stanza, it's stunning. I picture a beautiful fluttery just collapsing into a bed of sheer, insipid snow and it was just stunning. A beautiful representation--a metaphor that probably won't leave my mind for a while.

Beautiful write. It's so heart wrenching, but you're able to keep a haunting sort of air to it so it's not completely overtaken by just emotion.
..__MiNDYY

GO STICK IT IN YOUR JUICE BOX AND SUCK IT!!!! (1)
by BiteXmeXedwardXcullen

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-30

Watch your grammar. You have quite a bit of those errors, and spell out your numbers. It doesn't look right and normally isn't written out in numerical form when in writing, especially prose or poetry.

This is read out as a vent to me, so I can't really critique anything. The anger is obviously present, which is good to have because then your words actually affect your reader, but I can't really say anything since this is what's on your mind and what you wanted to say to this friend of yours. I can't critique emotion.

Promise of a Lie (8)
by Cayce

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-28

... If I knew you, and if you're ticklish, I would poke the crap out of you because of envy hoping you'd lose air for a few seconds and fry some brain cells so I could write prose better than you.

Haha, kidding! I adore you too much to do that ;D

I thought this was amazing. It appealed to me more than the one I read before this, probably because it's a lot more ... haunting to me.

So you start out with a pretty cliche line. And I'm thinking, Man, where is she going with this? And then I hit :

even he doesn't trust those butterflies fluttering from his lips.
`and I think my heart started to stutter. I don't know why, but I think I just found it intriguing, that butterflies fluttering is normally used in cooperating with the stomach ... to describe a loving feeling, but you used them to symbolize his beautiful lies, and the image was just mesmerizing (oh, haven't used that word in a while now).

Of course you don't. You're bespelled.
`Then I hit there, and the magic sort of goes poof! and in flies the angered tone, which is how I saw it. It implied DEARLY that the person was extremely daft and you were pissed. Possibly at yourself? Hm.

Then lets your soul drop from that cliff.
`Oh, oh, oh! Interpretation time! In love, when you're in that person's arms... You feel like you're on cloud nine, and you're flying, reaching for the skies and you're just so up there. I'm pretending that this cliff is so tall, it touches the clouds, and he's your life line. It's like you're about to fall off, but he's holding onto this rope tied around your waist. He's gripping you until he's tired and just lets go, but he always retakes the rope and keeps you from falling until he's tired again, and it repeats, until you can't take it anymore, or you've hit the ground. Only when I think of you hitting the ground, you're safe, because you've been "lowered" in his standards bit by bit, and you can finally just...walk away, but do you choose to? Or are you going to wait there and see if he'll pull you up again.

Your eyelids slam shut without your permission. Breaths come few at a time.

Realization.

The unforgettable had been forgotten.
`So haunting, the last few lines. That single word just pops! And the ending, is just so heart-wrenching; it stuck with me and just stalked my thoughts.

Wonderfully written, I feel. Sorry for rambling -.- But your words got my mind going on an interpretation frenzy, trying to sound brilliant. xD
..__MiNDYY

Arise Fair Maiden of the Dark (1)
by Amaranthine

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-27

`First stanza: Beautiful opening. I interpreted this as her nightmares and her fears being her hells. She lost a love, and now they've come alive--but unlike those who cry and merely give up, she needs to stand up to take it, accept it, get over and move on stronger than everybody else. But the pain is so deep, that it keeps her awake at night with thoughts of him, and the emotional stress is just killing her.

Why is it that her heart always survives?
`A strong repeated line. Absolutely brilliant. It shows that no matter what you do, you will ALWAYS stay alive. Your heart will continue to thrive, so you might as well do what's better for you rather than live in the past.

beleive
`believe* typo.

naeve
`I think you meant "naive."

`Third stanza: The "damn" which is normally considered a curse word, is extremely powerful. It emphasizes the fact that he doesn't care -- and I'm assuming the devil are her memories, and the boy that thrashed her soul. Your ending line shines light upon the darkness of the piece.

And your final stanza, is a great end to the piece. She's walking in a shadow, but she's getting through it. I imagine her walking on glass and ashes--but nonetheless, the rising tide will wipe the stains away and her will will never die.

Lovely write, dear.
..__MiNDYY

Movie of Our Life (9)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-25

I love reading your poetry -- your pieces are always so different, and my vocabulary increases each and every single time :)

Nuclear insignias embrace midday gloom
`Stunning opening line. The conflicting imagery that it brings to mind is just beautiful--odd reason, but I saw this as ... one's friends hoping to try and soothe our misery. Nuclear just brings to mind, bright. It can be a bad thing, but I find the thought beautiful -- and that's how friends are. Irritatingly daft at times, but you love them anyway. And the gloom is just what life chucks at our heads, hoping that we'll catch it but we never actually do.

which march through the mundane hemorrhage
dank,
`that single word just sitting there, a whole line to itself is so powerful. and I find it quite amusing, since it's just a teeny four-lettered word. I adored your use of "mundane." Routine or unexciting/ordinary (blood) loss. It's clever, because you can't go through life without having to go through the same "mundane" losses that most people go through.

Postapocalyptic,
the dawn of obscurity
travels
incognito.
`What gorgeous imagery! The idea of darkness traveling in disguise is just ... makes me wonder. I don't quite have an interpretation to this part. Hm, I'll just continue speculating.

An incubus to this world,
celestial parasol,
melts histrionic alibis.
`What a wondrous ending ... I found it to be a great portrayal of society today. "histrionic alibis" -- what our words consist of these days. Celestial parasol ... interesting. I found that to be the "good people" left in this earth, who are genuinely pure. They sort of ... protect us. Keep us sane.

Eh, I'm probably rambling.
This was another dazzling piece, tho.
Lovely job, dear.
..__MiNDYY

Let the Ocean swallow You whole [Prose] (3)
by Cayce

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-25

Ooh . I liked it . There were just two points that bothered me :

monsters away.

Thoughts are slipping away.
`use of away right after another . Same goes for before it, the use of "falling." but they're pretty light things.

[You were suppose to save me.]
`supposed*

But seriously, I really adored this . It's not written in poetry format, but I read it as a piece. I just pretended you forgot to press enter :)

I like the use of brackets -- it's effective, and I read them as a whisper; a taunting one that's not angry, really, just curious--wandering.

I imagine this is how it feels to fly. Weightless. The rush of falling.
`I think I actually shivered right here, and at the end (love your end by the way, but I'll get to that later ;]) It's sort of ... dazzling, the way this gives the words freedom. I can practically feel the wind in my face.

I can feel the water fill my lungs. It's odd.
`This whole piece is calming, relaxed. So when I got to this part, and I was reading it with a chill sort of ambiance, it was really potent . Like, water filling my lungs? What? Wouldn't you be freaking out and not just thinking "It's odd." But then I find the sort of ... irony really beautiful. 'dunno. Maybe I'm just weird.

And your ending ... grawrr' I totally spaced out on what I was going to say about it. It's so simple, but I found it stunning. Your words just flowed, and they seemed to be effortless.

You write some charming things without really trying :)

..__MiNDYY

Scarf of death (Murder me with your love) (17)
by Mr Darcy

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-24

AH! This is the piece you submitted to one of the contests in the club ... And I absolutely adored it. Your vocabulary is so broad .. it's appalling, because lines are so short, and simple, and yet they run so deep.

You start out so beautifully ... the diction that you use to describe this beauty is beyond stunning. The imagery is just breathtaking, and your choice of words is sophisticated, giving it a higher air.

Third and fourth stanzas are just amazing. My interpretation is that even the most beautiful things have some sort of negativity flowing from within them that can and will destroy us, but nonetheless, we'll always fall into the hands of that thing we hate, because the beauty is just so blinding ... we go in swords drawn, but will is just lost.

Tortured mind fragments its pain.
Impervious once, now insane.
My lucid dreams were wasted truth,
Her love became my hanging noose.
`Gorgeous wording. I absolutely adore this stanza -- it's like life -- these beautiful moments we find are dreams ... are they real or are they merely fragments of our imagination? A serum to ease our pain ... or rather, a play out of the pain our burning minds are expressing? The way you use love as the rope in which you will die by (from what I translate) is just ... it leaves me in awe.

Haunting ending -- but oh so true. Love beings, it happens, and then it fades away. A fate that we cannot alter.

Lovely job.
..__MiNDYY

Heartfelt "See You Later." (6)
by Blissful

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-24

... I wish my writing sprees went as beautifully as yours D: *envious .

Your love engulfed me from the deepest ashes
Showing me the beauty this world encompasses
`Ah ! Prettyyyy . Use of "ashes" is clever . I saw it as ... when you've lost and now you're alone, and there's no one that you really want and you're heart's just at a loss for love but there's no one there to save you -- and then suddenly this guy just sweeps you off your feet -- kind of like you're rising from the ashes, like a beautiful phoenix; reborn.

Thank you for strolling alongside my heart
`The emotion in this line makes me wanna just jump and hug you :) It's so sweet ... It's sad though, because in the beginning, "Although that ride has soon been derailed" foreshadows this love coming to an end.

OMG, your ending is just brilliant! It's such a honest, sad farewell ... but it's a mature one, and that makes it more .... grawr' you've left me at a lack of words T___T

Overall, you create a whole journey in just three short stanzas -- and though, I don't think this is one of your best pieces, I still like it. You create this sort of ... emotion that just engulfs your words and surrounds it with this sort of sorrowfully sweet aura.

..__MiNDYY

Hold her Close and Kiss her Tears Away (5)
by Blissful

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-24

Your opening stanza is so heartbreaking. You capture the emotions of a newly shattered soul so beautifully. The desperation is portrayed in a way that's just ... so painful, that I wanted to reach out and comfort the girl myself. I felt this way just a month ago; when you lose it all, you're running frantically, just searching for him. It's like, you're just playing a game of hide and seek -- and he'll still be there: you just have to find him. It's that minute peek of light that makes us keep swimming in an endless ocean.

Second stanza goes on just as strong, and the message behind it is a true one that many should listen to. The way you create this sort of ... movie in my eyes, playing by as this girl slowly discovers her strength -- I wish I could do that with my words. "Confusion" ; she just can't understand this loneliness that's tolerated, but she's in awe. When you end it with "she explores," I think that she's slowly moving on.

A heart of hold
`did you mean a heart of gold?

Your ending makes my heart stop. It's a beautiful piece -- if only people these days could just live their life this way. Go through pain and regret, but let go and just move on because you can't change the past. We're all living chained -- this binding silk of memories just drags us downward, when we should be flying.

I adore this piece .
..__MiNDYY

Whimsical Fantasy(collab with zee) (1)
by xLilMissFrostyx

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-24

Walking in hand.
`I know it's necessary to keep it shorter, so that the syllabication stays on straight, but it sounds quite funny to me, the way it's phrased. It's like, I get what you're saying, but it just doesn't sound quite right.

I feel like there are a lot of words that could be omitted. Like in your second stanza:
First Line: "all" -- I find unnecessary, but when I continue reading over again and again, that can be debated. I think it's just because those three "a" lettered words in a row make it sound flimsy.
Second Line: "once"

entwined.
`I feel like, it should be replaced with "intertwined." but I don't know how you read it -- and it could possibly be that I just read at a different pace ... *shrugs. Look over it?

Images of her wrapped in our embrace danced through my mind,
Tears slipping as realization hit; our hearts are no longer entwined.
`I haven't finished reading through the piece, so forgive me if I'm wrong about what it actually means, but I absolutely adore these lines. The imagery is beautiful -- and it's clever, the usage of "her" because it makes me think that there's a new girl in this guy's life, and she's interfering with your love.

than why am I left alone here,
`should be "then"

Ooh, third stanza. Ending line's chosen rhyme is weak -- and I somewhat fancied that stanza. Be careful with your word choice, because that rhyme sounded forced and it dented the flow for me.

I can only hope somewhere in your heart
`I feel like there should be a "that" between hope and somewhere. For me, it'd help the words run more smoothly.

I absolutely LOVE your fourth stanza. It's the most emotional to me -- and though there is room for some editing in it, it's so ... charming. And your ending, though cliche, like most of the piece -- it worked, because despite room for improvement, it was actually a really great read.

Keep at it.
'Cause I liked it.
..__MiNDYY

Catching The Butterfly (6)
by Melpomene

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-23

I haven't read some of your pieces in a while, and I find that this piece ... the style is different from the long stanzas I've read from you in the past, but with even less words, you still create a beautiful, potent emotion that just reaches for me as I'm reading through this poetic lexis that you've created.

Descending
Declining
Falling.
`it's so effective, and it creates such stunning imagery. these words screamed at me ... and yet all the same, they seemed to whisper in a gentle breeze.

darkness holds beauty of its own.
`these sort of ... creative twists on words are hard to write. this reminded me of a lyric that stood out to me before, "there's beauty in the breakdown." the irony but the truth of something just captivating being able to lie within an evil is a striking image, and a beautiful metaphor.

The way you ended it -- that last stanza, was absolutely breathtaking. The emotions and the pictures that you portray are just .... beyond words.

Beautiful write. Absolutely stunning.
..__MiNDYY

The Never Ending Love Song. (20)
by Blissful

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-23

*squeals. I don't know why, but this piece makes me want to jump up and just yelp. I noticed that "four years" part ... and what you told me before in an old exchange of messages -- did this actually happen, m'dear ? :) ?

ANYWAYS xD

She hears her voice whispering gently in his ear "Want to Dance?"
`I like the play on words ... the way you say that she hears her voice ... it's like, an outer body experience. Like she can't believe she's actually asking him to dance -- but she's doing it, and whatever his answer may be, she'll flip out later at the fact that she actually grew the guts to do it. It's cute, and I can definitely relate.

I actually liked the use of "giddy" in the beginning of the third stanza -- it creates a sort of ... "high" ambiance to the piece. Like, you can really just feel and hear her happiness, the way butterflies just make us go cloud nine. Giddy.

for the risk she took did not make her stumble.
`I just love your way with words ... a simple line about her taking this risk ... "stumble" -- it's just so ... effective. I don't know, I think I'm rambling ... *shrugs. I can't really explain it.

The way you end ... just so sweetly beautiful. The fact that you take one small and simple dance into a beautiful piece of poetry is just amazing. And I think that's the beauty of it ... that it may be something "small," but when it's the person that's actually in love ... this is such a huge moment, taking the step to get closer.

I absolutely adored it.
..__MiNDYY

Washing The World Away. (7)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-23

Slowly but steadily,
It is slowly diminishing each day.
`Repetition of "slowly" takes away from the meaning of the word, and the effectiveness. And you use it again in the next stanza. Thesaurus time! :) I always find that I need one of those. It helps create a broader vocabulary in your pieces.

Before long it will be worse, it will turn into a depression.

Do you really want to go back into a depression?
`"Depression" ... Repetition.

The world is falling apart,
We sit here everyday looking at the mess,
`Same thing with "falling apart" -- but aside from that note, I love these two lines and the ones before, because you may have pointed out the bigger issues that affect the world altogether, but these words also describe life itself. We watch these friendships, families, relationships fall apart but we don't do anything about the mess. We just stare at it and cry -- we whine, but we do NOTHiNG.

So overall, it wasn't your best. You start out rhyming, and go out free styling. The flow is pretty good in the beginning, but it starts to run later on in the piece. It didn't seem creative enough. Like you've pointed out the problems, and you've repeated that we have to stand up and do something ... Now what?

There seems to be something missing. I can't pinpoint what it is, but it's just ... lacking to me. It was okay. Some things stand out, but most of it is just ... there. You're telling again, and not showing -- only in this piece, it can't pull itself together like your other works have done .

Read over it, and edit it some. I've read better from you, though this one wasn't too shabby.
..__MiNDYY

Butterfly [With Identity Crisis] (12)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-23

*cries .
You make me feel so inadequate when you write such stunning pieces. I swear, you've created a whole new poetic lexis of your own -- it's gorgeous, and it never grows old, reading your writes.

Vanilla secrets touch sunshine sorrow,
planting arcane whispers into iridescent heart.
`Breathtaking imagery. "sunshine sorrow" -- it's a clever twist of wording, and it creates a serene, sort of glow to your words.

The repetition is extremely effective, but it frustrates me that I can't quite interpret the piece completely... Butterfly... What is is a symbol of? Or is it even a symbol at all? Fascinating ...

Nonetheless, your imagery never ceases to stun me. It was like you created a whole new universe, with dragons, cosmic volcanoes. Jeez! You ended it too soon :D I wanted to continue reading, but your ending just wraps it all up. It was like those two continuously repeated lines were a thread, stringing through your verses and tying them all together -- only to go back in a circle and tie a knot to finish it.

Brilliant.
..__MiNDYY

Hypnagogic (12)
by Cayce

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-23

You don't really write free verse, huh? Wonder how much more brilliant your pieces would be if you started writing more free verse ...

Psh, you look like you've been writing free verse MUCH longer than many people on this site, and me put together. Jeez.

Your word choice is captivating -- it's so intense, these short lines in your second stanza. It's like, they're so simple but you still have to catch your breath. You start out so strong, and then it changes tone -- kind of like life :) Different pace, but same effectiveness.

That single line in the middle of the piece alone sticks out so much, and leads to my most favourite stanza of the piece: the last. It's dark. Hehe, every line is just so ... refreshing. Drowning in ink, huh? Well I felt like I was drowning in your words -- in a good way . If that's possible. xD It's so haunting. A beautifully penned dark piece.

..__MiNDYY

Undeveloped Negatives Holding the Memory of You (11)
by Blissful

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-23

AH! Out of most of your pieces that I remember reading, I love this one the most, and lord knows I love your writes.

Your opening stanza creates the contradicting emotions fighting through the memories -- the ending line creates a beautiful image: of a dream being ripped from your arms so suddenly. You're lost, and all you have to hold onto is what you have left lying in the midst of your mind.

Next stanza ... Oh, honey. The emotion is so evident, it's intense. All this sorrow is just ... there. You portray not being able to stop running through the memories so sweetly -- it's painful to read.

left tattered from countless readings
`Absolutely stunning. Many can relate -- text messages, voice mails, e-mails, iMs, photographs, and little notes that we just hold onto for dear life because without them, we can't breathe. But with them, they're choking us because it hurts so bad.

Voices linger in my mind, "press play on hidden memories,
Watch them effortlessly unfold in slow motion like a dream"
`When you're broken, it doesn't feel like reality. We wish so dearly for it to all just be a dream, and we'll wake up and our lovers will still be there -- when we're lost, time goes by so slow, and when we're not, it goes by too fast. Here, the picture painted in my mind is so sweetly sad...

Your ending, like all your others, is absolutely stunning. It's heartbreaking, but so true and easy to relate to.

Lovely write, dear.
..__MiNDYY

Past and future, a bit philosophical (4)
by Lizaveta

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-20

Does it mean that we get blind?
`I feel like it should be "grow blind." get just seems childish. and a flimsy choice of wording.

itb
`just a minor typo. "it"

with grief or glee?
`I think it should be "with grief or with glee" ? in my opinion, it flows better and sounds better. but it's your piece. just a suggestion.

expext
`expect

Make a step forward
As in the past you cannot live.
`Another suggestion:
Take a step forward,
For in the past, you cannot live.
**Just my thoughts... because it sounds kind of awkward, but then mine sort of does too.

I think you should re-word the ending. It sounds funky, but I love the message. I adore the whole piece -- it's definitely one of the best I've read in an extremely long time. The meaning, and the depth in your words is absolutely stunning. Everything just flows so smoothly, and it's really got me thinking.

To me, this piece means a lot. It goes so deep, and it reached out and just clutched my heart because it hits home. Do we simply forget because we don't wish to remember? Do we grow blind because the past is so bright that we can't see past it anymore? We grow older, we make new memories -- where do the old ones go? How do we keep them? Will our memories remember us when we can't remember them?

..__MiNDYY

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (19)
by Lonely Rider

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-19

Countless mysteries hidden so far
`I feel like "so" should be taken out. It seems unnecessary.

The syllabication was kind of shaky ... along with the flow. Some lines were too short opposed to the previous line, and it made reading it sort of rough. The words didn't flow as smoothly as I wished.

It's a unique way of writing, and you ended the piece extremely well -- I loved the ending. But the middle sort of ... left me disappointed slightly. The imagery is pretty, but you could do more with it, I feel.

..__MiNDYY

Backwards (18)
by Dawn aka Dominique

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-19

Oh, how unique. It's a clever way to right, but as I read through it, I found grammar mistakes in your poem, and at times, the sentences didn't make complete sense. I feel that you should read over it, and edit it. Keep the style, it's amazing, but it's even harder to comprehend when your sentences don't all make sense. Again, try showing instead of telling, because that's most of what you do in this piece.

..__MiNDYY

All Out Of Love (10)
by Dawn aka Dominique

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-19

To me, there's a lot of room for improvement in this piece. You try so hard to rhyme, and it really shows. I felt like, you attempted to find good rhymes, and couldn't so you just dealt with the ones you had and somehow found random ways to shove the words in there. It just didn't work for me. The flow broke a lot because of the rhymes, and it took away from the piece.

Your not worth a dime
`You're

With your heart on duty part-time
`I do adore this concept ... "part-time" -- it's witty, a nicely picked metaphor for a heart that isn't fully in love.

It was okay, to me. It wasn't absolutely stunning, but it wasn't horrible either. Work on it. Definitely check on your syllabication. Overall, it was just ... mediocre. Try using more imagery -- express without just simply telling. SHOW the reader what these emotions you're attempting to express look like.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

..__MiNDYY

Forgetting You Isn't Easy (3)
by xLilMissFrostyx

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-10

And trying my damn hardest not to weep
`For some reason, that I really can't pinpoint, I REALLY don't like that line. It just seems ... out of place and obnoxious (probably because of the damn xD) but at the same time I want to keep it there. Eh. I'm conflicted. If I think anymore, I'll probably fry a few braincells.

And I hide all of these emotions I feel
Behind a mask of bright sunny smiles
Used to know me better than anyone else
Why haven't you realized I'm full of guile?
`The first two lines repeat a cliche concept, that I feel that you could've written with more originality. It's worded better than what's typically written, but it still doesn't really stick out, y'know? The rhyme also seems forced, and the flow's kind of rocky ... just a tad bit. It could possibly be your syllabication, though so far you're pretty steady.

One minute you're in love then can't commit
And the next you're sleeping with someone new
But then you whisper that you still love me
I'm wondering if anything you've said is true
`I like this stanza better. But I feel like you should stick a "you" between then + can't. But then that would break the flow really badly ... Hrm ... *frustrated. Urgh! You have this sort of grip on me as a reader, but it's a moderately loose one. Your words are better than many, but they're not strong enough to really grab ahold of me.

So you start out okay, and then it slowly gets stronger, but it never really hits the roof. It wasn't an AMAZiNG piece; it can be bunched in with a lot of cliches, and it'll stick out when compared with those, but that's about as far as it gets.

It's a nicely written piece though, and you do portray the emotion, which a lot of times I've seen, can't always be done. So kudos to that, definitely. Edit here and there, warp some things, and this poem can be something great.

..__MiNDYY

In Loving Memory (Miscarriage) (7)
by xLilMissFrostyx

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-10

First off, if this is true, I am extremely sorry for your loss. You've probably heard it a million times, but there is never really anything to say besides that. I can't imagine the emotion that's overwhelming you, and it saddens me that such things happen to those who actually want their child. I hope the pain subsides with time, and that something this harrowing will not overtake you completely with grief for too long a period of time.

As for the actual piece, the poet inside me is kicking to critique. But I must say, this piece was extermely amazing compared to others I've read by you. Because of the emotion, it's especially shattering.

Guess heaven needed one more angel
`This is an absolutely BEAUTiFUL choice of diction. It holds such strong heartbreak; a sweetest sadness. The wrenching grace in this "reasoning" of why the baby was lost ... it's just inspiring.

And I'm sorry for the things that I did
Can't help but feel it is all my fault
`I feel it would be read better as:
"And I'm sorry for the things I did,
I can't help but feel that it's all my fault."
It makes more sense? *shrugs.

And every time I see a giggling baby
My entire being cries out in silent pain
`You already used a different version of "silent" in the previous stanza, and it sort of takes away from the emphasis of the word. Maybe try a synonym? Either way, these lines are really gutwrenching. I never feel empathy while reading poetry, but Lord, you made me want to tear up.

There's just some wording that you should work on that dull the shining of this piece, but nothing can top the saddening beauty of the emotion that's so openly portrayed here.

Again, I am sorry if this is actually true.
..__MiNDYY

Before I Fall (16)
by BeautifulxMess

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-02

One little girl who tries to escape,
And running from her own fate.
No one knew or talked to her at all,
Nobody answered her call.
`I feel like you should work on your syllabication. Your words are nice, and the concept is a beautiful one, but syllabication works the flow and when you're rhyming, that's a huge thing to look at.

And her mom cut herself with a knife
`I feel like you could've been more creative with a lot of these lines, especially this one. Besides the mother part, it's a phrase that's use often and I felt you could've been more original, because I've always been a fan of your work, and I've seen better.

You use a lot of "her" or "she" in the last couple of stanzas, and it takes away from the potency of the piece itself. The quality of the poem sort of shoots up and back down again -- like a roller coaster. It has its moments, but it could be more creatively written.

A lot of your rhymes sound forced ... Like you couldn't think of anything else and you just shoved them in there somehow to make them fit. Overall, the piece was really good -- the emotion is there. It creates a saddening aura, and that's a powerful thing to be able to do, but I wish you were more inventive at a lot of points.

I don't want to break your five streak, because I feel like you deserve a four point five, so I'll just five you a five :)
..__MiNDYY

Quotidian Fluxion of Chaos through Mud (5)
by DarkSpirit

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-29

First off, I love your title! It's original, and interesting. And added a new word to my vocabulary :D

So this piece, was really hard to me to sort of interpret in my own view ... I kept reading it over and over, and for me, the diction was a mesmerizing choice, but so sophisticated. The piece looks simple, but it contains, to me, what seemsl ike a really deep message. But I can't decipher it.

I loved the atmosphere your words created though -- the way you laced them together and your choices were beautifully chosen. You use words that I don't often hear, but you make them sound so flawless ... like it's an everyday thing. You imagery is stunning! For me, there was irony at some points in your piece -- whether they were intentional or not, I found them extremely unique.

grotesque dynamites which are sewed
into apparition of achromatic blood.
`Use of sewed is clever. It creates this haunting sort of image -- and I found it "ironic" (I don't know any other word for it) because when I think achromatic, I think purity. Free from colour -- using it to describe blood ... a typically "dark" sort of image is brilliant since it's what makes up the apparition -- which I normally fortake as evil.

Moon emits anarchy,
`Using the moon ... very witty, since often I see the moon regarded as a beautiful thing -- here, you use it to emit chaos -- anarchy.

I think you did a striking job, though I couldn't fully comprehend what you were trying to get through. The flow didn't break, and your syllabication is a lot better than a lot of poems I've read.
Flawless.
..__MiNDYY

Eldritch (6)
by DarkSpirit

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-29

You recollected dreams
which I never dared to dream.
`I didn't quite fancy the use of dream twice in two simple lines, but these opening lines say a lot -- so the message kind of evens it out.

Let me kill you,
just for tonight,
regardless of fairy queen
whose skin is of substance
found within the moon.
`First line of the stanza is extremely effective -- leading into the stanza, it's so compelling. Beautiful, and I love how you use moon in a dark'ish atmosphere.

The imagery here is stunning. As the poem starts to end, the force just seems to slowly die. It starts out eerie, becomes this sort of murderous kind of vibe, and then it ends in a calming sort of feeling with "and fall asleep." When you sleep, your body relaxes. And I think it was just the perfect ambiance to create -- and it takes a lot to end with such simple words, but still make such a powerful statement.

Gorgeously done, m'dear.
..__MiNDYY

Spellcaster's Judgment (3)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-29

Have I ever told you I adore your poetry? (I think I have, a good number of times -- just maybe not in those words xD)

Your pieces always have a unique way of captivating the reader -- or me, at least. This piece especially, was a lot simpler compared to those I've read before from you, but the interpretation I find is no less more deep and beautiful.

Your use of words that aren't normally used these days was extremely effective. It created a complicated, (but with the CHOiCE of words) and haunting sort of ambiance that chained me to your piece until the very end.

... fatal rapture holds thy heart...
`I love the use of "thy" -- archaic doesn't always work when a poem doesn't start and continue on using that form of diction, but here, in that single line (added with the "..." in the beginning) was so powerful. Simple words, but they really grabbed ahold of me.

Catoptrophobia sentenced
unattainable conjurer.
`One of THE most stunning endings I've ever read. Fear of mirrors ... I can't explain it, but the meaning goes so deep -- I felt a squeeze at my heart, and it's just so amazing.

A brilliant point of demise.
Gorgeously done.
..__MiNDYY

The day before (19)
by noha

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-21

I wish if i could be strong.
`It should be either "I wish I could be strong" or "I wish I could've been strong." Unless you want to keep the "if" in the sentence -- then you'd have to rearrange the words in order for it to make sense.

Why did you left me if you really loved me,
`Watch the verb tense -- left should be leave.

Or its my end and like this it should to be.
`Or is it my end and this is how it should be sounds more flowy to me -- but that's just me. I don't know how it would end up reading in your eyes.

Its all I ever could have hope for,
`Verb tense -- hope should be hoped.

they left my head,just flew a way.
`There shouldn't be a space in away .

for together we have joined our soul,
`soul should be souls -- since you can't join a single soul with nothing. souls leads to it meaning that you combined both of your souls -- which is what I think you're going for from what I've read.

Overall, I didn't really get the emotion in this piece until the very end -- because the closing couplette is great. But the rest of it ... is pretty cliche. Like:

When I heard your voice,
It brought a smile to my face.

When I heard your laugh,
my heart began to race.
`Overused concepts, and considering some pieces that I've read from you before, I was expecting a lot more uniqueness. You had your highs, but most of them were downs to me, like the emotion just didn't fly out like you wanted them to be...They're there, but they haven't blossomed. Get what I mean?
Keep writing.
..__MiNDYY

Ten Things I Never Tell You (16)
by Sher

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-21

No longer yearning your touch
Searching hysterically for a hideaway
`This gave me one of the most powerful images I've ever imagined from poetry -- the use of "hysterical" made the words so much more potent. I could just feel the emotion.

The biggest secret that I have hid
Shocking it appears to be
Is praying nightly for your death
Violent and brutal may it be
`Oh, hauntingly beautiful ending. I've never seen one like it and I respect you dearly for writing these words. Many of my friends get abused and they won't accept hate -- just the pain and the sadness. They wont come straight out and say how they really feel inside because they're so afraid. Thank you, because this gives me hope that one day, they will finally leave and be able to stand up for themselves.

Now on the typical stuff that I critique people on, the flow was rocky, and the length of stanzas alternated flimsly for me, but despite that, your choice of vocabulary was gripping. It started out subtle, and just burst into climax with a explosion of beautifully picked words.

Well done.
..__MiNDYY

Serendipity (7)
by EssenceOfLace

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-20

Your words are sweet reminders
of our once chaotic resolution.
Fire deep within builds and elevates
to the very essence of my core.
`For me, this took me back to the past -- it was like echoing words from a relationship that reminded me of why we ended in the first place. Haunting echos that won't leave me alone -- hence the building . The regrets and the memories are buried after I get hurt, but they're slowly clawing their way back up and overtaking my heart (core).

Oblivious to the captivation
those eyes set upon me.
The cadence of this feeling
will never come to be.
`Hm, this one I'm unsure of. It sort of makes me imagine that the relationship will always be replayed -- there will always be an essence within the eyes of my ex-lover that will have me unable to let go of him, though I know that it will never be the same.

The colors that are reflected
off a love struck soul,
decorate the surrounding walls
built to block deconstruction.
`This created a captivating image within my mind. It's kind of like ... although I'm going through this pain -- I'm growing. Accepting it, getting through it, and becoming more mature, and despite the shattered pieces of my life that broke with our relationship, I don't need anyone to fix me (block deconstruction). The colours are like battle scars, only beautiful. They represent that I'm alive and thriving -- simply satisfied with where I am.

Completely warped
by this illusionary mental image;
this poet's heart
has simply run out of words.
`Absolutely stunning ending. I can't even begin to describe just how beautiful this is. My interpretation of this ... is that love creates idealistic illusions ... some say we see our loved ones more beautiful than they actually are -- and sometimes, this illusion leaves us speechless. and without words, how do we write? it is the beauty that feeds our poetry, and without those words to describe that splendor, what happens to the poet's heart?

Gorgeously done, love.
..__MiNDYY

Innocent Childhood (17)
by Lonely Rider

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-20

Gliding down the Rainbow,
Across the cerulean sky,
Angels sans wings,
On cottony clouds we fly.
`Oooh .... Greay imagery -- brings a really strong opening. "Cerulean" -- AH, I learned a new word :D HAHA, no, seriously tho. The stanza creates a calming, sweet image to mind, but the "Angels sans wings." From what I remember, "sans" means without, yes? So I feel like it was kind of ironic ... Rainbow ... brings pretty into mind. But angels without wings makes me think adverse? -shrugs.

Chocolatey world - we envisaged,
A dream we planned to seek,
To have that Cinderella dress,
From a Genie if we meet.
`Ah, yes. When we're so young, but we dream so big. Disney movies and fairy tales -- the influence of our purity.

Chasing after butterflies,
Dabbling in puddles,
Scaling the tallest bough,
A life so untangled.
`A great portrayal of the innocence of childhood. Chasing after beauty that cannot harm us -- when we get older ... beauty is what tears many of us apart. Dipping into puddles ... We get dirty, but we are not stained as kids; it's just fun -- leading to the last line ... We're young, we don't have drama or "life" to deal with.

Innocent childish fantasies,
When ignorance was bliss,
Unsophisticated lifestyle,
Childhood - always cherished.
`When I read this, the word "childish" in my mind is read with mockery -- so for me, this is a strong ending stanza. We cherish what we will never get back ...

Nice write. Definitely great imagery here -- truly brings me back to my own childhood (though mine was kind of ... fairy tale and mud pies [[the puddles made me think mud, mmkays? :P]] deprived xD).

Well done, hon .
..__MiNDYY

Spellcaster (27)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-20

Ah, another beautifully written piece -- you truly have a way with words -- short, simple, deep and absolutely powerful, the words that you choose.

The first stanza, first off, I love the question that just sticks out. It made me think -- love can tear even the most beautiful, independently strong person -- the mirror made me think both that we are the mirrors that shatter, and that love makes us face who we really are, because often, people don't want to face reality. And realizing and truly seeing ... it can destroy, but it can also change and influence even the most disbelieving person.

Second stanza ... makes me go, HUH? I keep reading it over and over -- it's beautiful, but I can't pinpoint any interpretation. But here's my swing at the ball: The stairways are the paths that we choose to take -- whichever ones that may be when it comes to life. The galleries ... Are the mistakes and choices that people have made in the past -- in a way, we're all connected. Parchments ... make me think diary. It brings to mind, the image of a tarnished, ancient journal fill with the sanded tears of agony that is often written about -- I mean, I don't see happiness written of often ... So the "ancestors" only record the past -- the ghoulish words that mirror the sadness in our lives ... that "shackle us" until we're strong enough to break free. And I think I'm rambling, so I'll just shut up now. I also think it's extremely supernatural compared to the previous stanza O_O I can't really say if it's good or bad -- just really haunting xD

Just know that this is another awesomely written piece by you ;)
..__MiNDYY

Hand of Sorrow (8)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-20

Cosmos's
`I don't think you need the other s. Words like that normally just have a ' and that's all it needs.

-Inhale gentle voices of fallen stars
when the sun burns us down,
we'll travel far...
`Definitely my favourite stanza. It stuck out instantly -- though it contained the simplest words in this piece, it's potent. I take it in as ... "inhale" being finally taking in and acceping the voices from before -- the fallen stars being betrayals or anything along those lines. Loved ones, family, friends that are no longer in your life -- and the sun ... It hasn't fallen -- it's not gone yet, but there's a prediction of it shattering you sooner or later, but no matter what -- you (and the person since it's "we") will continue on despite the strife.

I also like the repitition of "falling apart, falling apart..." -- the second "falling apart" in my head comes as a powerful whisper ... Amazing.

So overall, I've come to the conclusion that you are one cor writer. This piece, like many others that I've read by you, is about as unique as it gets. Your diction and your metaphors and analogies are breathtaking. You never cease to blow me away, and this piece, did just that.

..__MiNDYY

You're my Mr. Wonderful. (19)
by Blissful

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-20

Whoo . This piece was so quixotic I almost melted :) Your diction never ceases to amaze me -- and the imagery that you created here was absolutely stunning. At moments, it was sad -- other times it was calming, beautiful and just ... wow .

The one thing I really didn't like though, was the "Sweet boy." The "Oh boy" worked ... It came as a sigh in my thoughts -- coming from a girl in love. But Sweet boy just soudned funky o_O

As your lovely name is spoken softly in my ear, I'm floating
Why pollute my precious body with unnecessary drugs
When all I desire is your smile to make me high; I'm flying
`That polluting with unnecessary drugs line -- my favourite throughout this whole thing. Just gorgeous. I found it funny ... how you go from floating to flying ... kind of weird to me, since they both go the same in my mind at first, but when I think about it -- I translate this as being swept off your feet in his arms, but you're simply in his arms and it's not really YOU moving, it's him carrying you -- and then it's his smile that gives you the strength and love to move off your feet and fly with him. I don't know, just the thoughts that came to mind.

Overall though, this poem was absolutely sweet without the gag factor xD Your poems are straightforward, but they hold a deep meaning that really goes to the heart. Nicely done.
..__MiNDYY

A Suicidal Love (25)
by SuicideNotes2Poems

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-13

A boy who is lost , because she has been found
The love of his life, turned upside down
`Oh, interesting take on the being lost and the chick being found. It makes me think, he lost his way the minute another guy found her for himself; now she's been flipped -- since it's wished that she was the boy's, but is now taken.

People search a lifetime, to have a love like this
But the cries of this boy, shows his innocence is missed
`Oh, now it gets a bit dramatic. The loss of innocence, but hey, it's just the emotion into words of what some feel.

A suicidal mindset, because she cant be his
Killing himself for her, dreams of doing this
`Aw, now the rhyme sounds forced, like you thought of the word and figured out a way to twist the words and tweak it so that it'd rhyme. This is a couplet that you should work on.

He wishes he could treat her good, and tell, "her i love you"
And for his feelings to be understood, and for their love to be true
`and tell her, "I love you," ** typos. I feel like "good" sounds too much like adolescent slang that makes it sounds immature and childish. Maybe choose a different word?

But this will never happen, the boy realizes this
He realizes that she, will never be his
`Ooh...the repitition of "this" in the same line takes away from the piece. I feel like you're trying too hard to rhyme -- poems don't always have to rhyme continuously, love.

So he will die alone, young and broken hearted
He is bleeding to death, waiting to be departed
`"Waiting to be departed" -- another rhyme that soudns forced and tweaked so that it may be shoved within the poem. The rhyme's definitely different from what's typically chosen, but I feel like it's the same cliche melodramatic words that are used a lot now-a-days.

Their was a boy who was lost, because she was found
The only love of his life, was turned upside down
Their once was beautiful feelings, that ended up in cries
And a passionate love, ended a boys life.
`Both of the "their"'s should be "There." The last two lines ... the grammar is off in the third line. It should be, "There were once beautiful feelings" or something similar to that, just letting you know :)

Overall, there were times when some lines were complete hyperboles; dramatic to the max, but hey, poetry's like that half the time (and more). The repitition at the end, really created an aura of emotion that reaches out to the reader (to me, anyway). You still need to work on exceeding beyond this level that you're at, but I feel like this was better than the two that I read if I look at the piece altogether. And your syllabication's a lot better here, I'm glad to say :)

--..MiNDYY

Theft (15)
by SuicideNotes2Poems

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-13

A heart that is stolen
but I want it back
because she doesn't care for it
shes taking me off track
`Hm, I find the wording a wee bit odd. Like it should be, "A heart has been stolen; and I want it back" instead of "but I want it back" because when I think something's stolen, of course the owner desires for it to be returned, but I think you put it that way on purpose? Just noting. Also, the rhyme sounds a tad ... shoved in there. Like it just popped into your head and decided to force it to work, but when I think about the meaning behind it, it's completely norm for such a thing to take one's life off track.

I'm lost in my life
shes found in my dreams
`Oh, stunning lines! The word choice is so simple, but they're put together in a way that touches down to a deeper, sweeter level -- for me, it's when one is lost ... forlorn in their lives, looking for what they've misplaced or had taken from them; the one you love though, she's something keeping you sane -- but in this situation, she's only reachable in one's fantasies.

She is all i think about
I hate its her I'm lovin
`It would make more sense (to me) to have it be "I hate that it's her I'm lovin'" (I don't like the shortening of loving, but either way).

And I totally get it; my best friend fell for her cousin, but she didn't find out that he was her cousin until after it was too late, only this wasn't a second cousin or a third, so it's even more unacceptable to society. I wish you the best of luck :)
..__MiNDYY

A Dead Body, And A Broken Heart (33)
by SuicideNotes2Poems

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-13

Interesting title.

The one thing I do suggest you work on is syllabication. That's the biggest problem in your poetry--because it breaks the flow or causes it to be rocky.

The stranger cuts me, he hurts me inside
Seeing me bleed, because of he who cannot thrive
`Though these are strong, potent words, I feel like the rhyme sounds forced. Like it works, but at the same time, it doesn't. -shrugs. I don't have any suggestion for that though, just thought I'd point it out.

The body says to the heart, why do you hurt me?
Splitting my skin in two, why cant you just let me be
`Repitition of "me" at the end of both lines causes a closeness that makes it sound funny, also affecting the rhyme in a negative way.

The heart is sorry, all he knows is pain
He cuts to let the sorrow out, he cuts just to stay sane
`Another couplet that's very powerful -- but you use "he" a thrice, deriving the repitition problem. It takes away from the lines meaning, perhaps try rewording the lines?

The heart cries, the body drips
The blood runs down my fingertips
`The repeat of heart ... That also seems to take away from the piece. Also, you go from a long line, to extremely short ones and it breaks the flow quite noticably.

The heart is dead wile the body rots
Thinking about all the time its lost
`While* Again, heart. ++ here, I feel like, rots is a strong word, but then you use simple vocabulary in the second line. "Thinking" is very overused... Maybe grab a thesaurus?

He is dead and forgotten, but he still moves on
Hes living life even though hes gone
`Okay, the repitition of "he" here is just fine. It works. And I like these lines -- how, though he's passed, he's moving on. The lines contradict, but in a way that is easily interpreted in different ways that many can relate to.

This world doesn't need a depressed broken heart
That destroys its beholder, cutting it apart
`For some reason, I feel that there should be a comma between depressed and broken, for a sort of pause, because without it, I read on fluently and it sounds funky. Just a thought though, I guess people can figure it out on their own, either way. Also, I find it quite interesting -- the body speaking to its heart saying that it destroys the body ... though it's the body that at partial blame for harming itself. Just my outlook on it :)

Scars that forever bleed, cuts that wont heal
Pain that isn't forgotten, a fate that wont seal
`Beautiful ending. But I feel like there should be a change of wording -- to make it all the more stronger than it is. Like;

Scars that forever bleed, cuts that will never heal,
Pain that is not forgotten, a fate that will never seal.
-- Just a suggestion though; if you don't like it, don't worry, hon. It's an opinion :]

But overall, it was a nice poem. At times, you do REALLY good. Strong messages and powerful words coming from simple choices, but at other times, there's too much repitition, or you transition from long lines to short ones that break the flow of the piece. It was good though; nice job.

Just keep it at. I know you can better than you are already.
..__MiNDYY

Losers (7)
by Michael D Nalley

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-08

Okay, so on the technical stuff that people normally comment on -- overall, it was very striking. Definitely dark (Well, duh, considering it's in the dark category, but I'm just saying). Your choice of haunting questions is clever. But I'll get to that as this comment progresses.

Look back at all of the evil deeds you have done
What kind of victory do you think you have won?
`This made my heart pound. It slapped me across the face extremely hard on a personal level, which is probably why this piece affects me more than others that I've read. The tone I get from these opening lines are twisted -- vicious, even. They're powerful, and just made me think back to a huge error that I made the previous year.

Do you think you can make the darkness sublimely dark?
Is that how you think you would like to leave your mark?
`What a mouthful, but the diction is beautiful. "darkness sublimely dark" Repeat of dark made me stare a bit in silence, but it works to me.

Are you really happy with your self, or your disguise?
Do you like the truth, or are you satisfied with your lies
`Engaging expressions, by far. Again, lines that shoved me up against the wall with old injuries that I never got to fix.

Can you count on other losers to fill in the gap,
Or do they want to pile their troubles in your lap?
`This made me laugh -- the image it brought, literally just a ton of disfigured creatures being dumped upon a random lap. It was sickeningly well portrayed and really sends a message to the reader. Or to me, anyhow.

Have you lost your mind, has your heart grown cold?
Who do you trust the most, has your soul been sold?
If you could gain the world what do you think its worth?
When you know that your body must return to the earth
`Powerful stanza. So many questions -- it allows thoughts to linger and the brain to really think -- to ponder the answers to these questions.

The winners are not the sinners that you have accused
Of being the losers that you have justifiably abused
What more can be done, what more can be honestly said
About those whom have lost their souls when they are dead
`A powerful ending. I don't fully comprehend what the meaning behind this piece is -- but all I know is that I'm going to keep wondering about these questions brought up ... along the ghosts of my pasts that your piece just brought out that I feel I must contemplate and get rid of after so long.

So I actually want to thank you, both for a powerful piece -- and for writing something that actually made my pulse thunder.

Well done.
--..MiNDYY

Happy Birthday Bulimia (19)
by BangAndWeAllDied

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-08

I'm more like cold like blue,
Like winter snow falling
`the use of like ... kind of threw me off there. -shrugs. Just thought I'd point it out.

This piece was very different from the other two that I've read so far. It's ... twisted. It's like, I frown at it, and yet I like it. It has a weird appeal to it. Though it lacks the typical imagery and metaphor and amazing diction that usually makes a stunning piece ... it's still brilliant to me.

The stanza ideas are all over the place -- the concept is expressed so different from other pieces of these disorders and you really painted a creepy picture, despite all things that made me twitch about this write. It's dark. A fresh new outlook on how to write poetry and about this topic. It's ... just so different . I'm conflicted on what this piece deserves on a scale of one to five -- but at the moment, for this, a number isn't what matters.

This is just a piece that will stick out.

--..MiNDYY

Untitled. (17)
by BangAndWeAllDied

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-08

Shivers down my spine--the words show and tell at the same time that there's nothing for me to have to interpret, but all the same it makes me think so much. Which is absolutely hard to do. The piece is hauntingly beautiful. The detailing of every move of that tear running down her face just adds so much more emotion -- it's powerful. And the end just adds to the shadowed glow of this poem.

--..MiNDYY

Batteries Not Included (13)
by BangAndWeAllDied

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-08

First off, I fancy the heck out of your title! Brilliant! Very witty with a little hint of charm.

Now the piece ... short, great diction -- I keep reading it over and over and still get a fuzzy interpretation of what I think it means in my eyes.

Serenity is sold
in small plastic bottles.
` Poise and peace ... Teenagers never feeling at peace with themselves until they look good or feel good. Or until everybody else thinks they're "cool." Calm and acceptance sold in make-up and perfume -- and plastic bottles ... makes me think drugs. Plastic also makes me think materialistic. Simple words and short lines that can say so much about the big picture of society now-a-days.

Emotion is observed,
rationalized, diagnosed.
` Everyone's always judging everyone. Staring, whispering, gossiping -- small things are turned into dramatic plots that could be turned into storylines, and then the people are labeled. "Disagnosed" with who they are or who people think they should be.

Life is manufactured,
artifical perfection,
` Today's "perfection" is so superficial, it's sickening. "Manufactured" brings the image of machinery ... bogus definition of what beauty is and how everyone should be, what we should do and how we all should look or talk.

batteries not included.
`Hm, now that's a tough one. In my translations, it signifies that we're sent into this world -- of highschool and of drama and of rules even throughout adult life and such (or so from what I've heard, read and seen, so forgive me if I'm wrong) -- but we're shoved into this vicious world without "batteries," an energy or something to help us through. We must find our own "batteries" -- which I think, are our friends that we meet in life. We're not born with them -- we have to work for them, receive them on our own.

Just my thoughts. And just so you know, I wouldn't change a thing about this piece. It's simply stunning.
Definitely a complicated favourite of mine now.
..__MiNDYY

Shh, little one, it's okay. [Prose] (27)
by Cayce

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-27

[Shh, little one, it's okay.]
`I just adore when brackets and such are used -- in the "right way." This adds perfect emphasis on the repeat of the title, which makes it all the more powerful.

Little shivers are continually shooting through my body. They're almost like my own personal lullaby coaxing me to sleep.
`I didn't really like the first sentence, but you made it mesh so well with the second line. Though the use of "lullaby" has been seen quite often, it didn't sound as overused to me here. The use of "coax" is just gorgeous. Paints a soft melody across my thoughts while reading.

As these sins splash to the floor, my mind is in it's own race to see how many flashbacks it can reveal to my already fragile heart.
`The image that I got from this was absolutely mesmerizing, but it was a tad bit long while trying to read it aloud. Word choice is stunning though -- so simple and yet so complex.

Over and over, these flashbacks arrive, trying to drive me insane, but can you really drive a sociopath insane?
`Hm, the use of insane twice kind of bugged me, but it does work quite well.

Destructive words are screamed, limbs are flailing. Those horrid taboo thoughts of metallic liquid were clouding my head, again.
`Oh, the diction here is STUNNiNG.

Sometimes, I wish I could just shut my brain down, maybe, put a "back in five minutes" sign on it. [Press down harder. You want this. You need this]. Those voices are whispering to me again.
`AH, the first half of the first sentence made me want to tear my hair out -- such a cliche notion, but then you made it original with the "back in five minutes" -- just amazing.

Maybe, I've let out too many sins this time. Too many escaped. Do we need sin in our body? I didn't think so, but these black spots are getting awfully big.
`The use of sin twice threw me off a wee bit -- but the way you ended that was clever.

I think it's the sin that makes us human, but I want to be a goddess, so pure, so clean, so beautiful. Immortality, will we ever discover this secret? Will we ever be able to outsmart and deceive death?
`This verse REAAALLY hurled me off -- it stuck out like a sore thumb and I feel like you got off topic. I like the first wee half of the first line, but then it just ... dies a bit.

I saved them. I set them free.
`Such simple words; simple sentences--but they hold such strong, powerful depth.

[That's right, sweetie, relish in the sweet flavor of hell. Bury the concern, but more importantly bury the love. You don't need him or anyone else. You just need me.]
`I love the switch to brackets again -- it was like a switch to soft whispers, but I quite like the second sentence on -- it screamed cliche, and yet it sort of fits.

Laying here on this bathroom floor, I've opened my eyes. I'll drown myself in these mellifluous lies one day. Just ignore me when I scream for the truth, because really, I just want a lie.
`Oh, man, the ending just wrapped it all up. It was so cunning to me -- it sticks out, but doesn't overthrow the rest of the piece into oblivion. Quite a flawless ending, actually.

So overall, it was pretty darned amazing. I kept reading it over and over because the diction just really stuck with me. For something new to you, you did a brilliant job -- it's not liek WAAAY up there with other prose I've read, but it's still such a great piece to read. The emotion here is raw and quite expressed. Well done.

--..MiNDYY

Broken Dreams (11)
by Anonymous Angel

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-27

We once were a family,
together and so happy
But too blind to see,
that it just wasn't meant to be.
`I felt like it was a weak beginning for such a strong titled poem -- the rhymes are quite clumsy and just seemed forced. The flow starts out rocky.

I remember it like it was yesterday,
Six words that crushed our fate
'we have something to tell you'
thats when I knew.
`I feel like it would sound better as "I remember it like yesterday." It's just a suggestion though, and it's all up to you whether you think it sounds better or not. Again though, it was rocky. The last line was too short and broke it.

Now almost 3 years later,
`Please spell out numbers -- it just doesn't look right.

One would almost think you forgot about us
Aren't we important anymore?
It hurts to know that we aren't number one,
and never will be.
`A cliche ending -- the word "almost" doesn't sound like the best choice to use here.

Overall, it was okay. I feel like the biggest thing is that you need to work on your syllabication -- b ecause that's what's really scrweing with your flow. The piece was raw; emotions were there, but I felt like you were at a lost for words while trying to describe how you felt; the vocabulary, not too great at times, but it did keep my attention, which is good. Just read it over, do a little editing here and there, and it'll be a GREAT poem instead of just ordinary. Try showing some, instead of telling all -- that ALWAYS does the trick. I do look forward to reading more from you though.

--..MiNDYY

I Still Know The Way To Make Your Makeup Run (17)
by xLilMissFrostyx

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-27

{And as mascara stains your cheeks...I smile.}
`Oh, what a beautiful opening. The brackets make it even stronger -- and it just made me laugh from the start.

Didn't you realize that eventually one day, sweetheart
Someone would tire of your idiotic stories and games?
That maybe one day, someone would do something
And make you appreciate that "paybacks a b.itch?"
`First stanza wasn't as strong as I expected it to be. I feel like you can do more with it. The "sweetheart" kind of made it sound funny. But the rest of it flowed easy.

Look at that; you're drowning, didn't you learn to swim?
`The mockery in that line is just so worth worshipping. The concept with drowning and such has been used quite often, but in this piece it's just so amusing.

The boot's on the other foot, you've become the toy
And oh how it amuses me to make you so ashamed
`Can I say, right now, that if I had read this a year ago, I would've taken these lines and shoved them down my despicable "ex-boyfriend"s throat? (:

Look, I'm taking so much pleasure in your pain
Enjoying the fact you have no idea I'm causing it all
Whispering false words of comfort when you weep
Inside I'm reveling in the fact you're falling apart
`I love how the first line makes me picture someone (since I don't know what you look like) screaming and pointing at themselves while laughing at someone else. This is also such a universal feeling -- for a lot of people I know anyway, and since I know the feeling, it's all that much more enjoyable to me.

Shouldn't play games with someone who can play better
`Oh, what a line. Speaks such truth that so many people should realize. You put it into simple words that address such depth.

Oh isn't it a shame you've fallen into your own deceit
Can you see the surface yet, do you know which way is up?
`THE SARCASM. I absolutely adore this piece, since I myself am quite the esteem-killer. For some reason though, I am really tempted to read it : "Can you see the surface yet,
Or do you not know which way is up?"
I don't know, it just sounds better -- but it's your piece, and I think I may say things and read them quite differently. Just a thought.

It's a dangerous seductive game in the world of betrayal
`The use of "dangerous seductive" together made the line a tad bit too long, but it doesn't mess with the flow noticably.

But I guess you just never thought that far ahead
Oh sweetheart, don't you wish you'd learned to swim now?
`HAHAHA The implication of sincere stupidity is SO comical.

I just ADORED this piece.
--..MiNDYY

Eat Your Heart Out (12)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-27

First off, what an interesting title. When I first read it, and saw that it was in the Dark Category, I though, Oh goody, is it literal? [:

Lucidly mystical, exotic ecstasy twists
spreading velvet tinsels with every breath
pulling me near the whirlpools of ashy gray
- eyes emit perfection of glassy thunders.
`Oh, my, cripes. Can I just say that I absolutely adore your beautiful vocabulary and diction? I could literally see the imagery in which these words paint -- and it's so dramatic and eye-catching.

Frantic smile holds emblems of illusions
caressing rollercoaster's serpentine lines-
This night wakes sanguinary tendencies
embracing me with eroding, drunken tentacles.
`Another gorgeous image -- the use of "drunken" here is brilliant and so utterly clever. I can just see it now...

Visions shatter spotlight desires, flashing
as I lick teardrops of toxic champagne
from your naked soul, exposing taboos.
Seven-inch nails brake, bleeding across the floor.
`"Toxic champagne" -- it was as if I could taste it running along the corners of my lips while reading this. You have a whole lexis of your own -- and man does it pierce deep. I feel so engulfed by this artistic endowment.

Diamond pupils absorb cigarette smoke
chaining pearly wings to sweet subversion.
Silhouettes pull silky strings of submission
sealing these lips with ardent screams.
`Oh, such beauty merged with such dark and ominous images. The contrast is absolutely darling and the last line leaves me breathless.

Tangled thoughts wound breakable visions
releasing overwhelming zest of sighs;
Pulsating havoc suppress morality, as I
eat your heart out, swallowing sensations.
`Dazzling ending; just astonishing and absolutely worth the read. I read this over and over again -- the vocabulary is so much more simpler than previous stanzas, but it's so much more powerful and sophisticated.

I, love, your, work. Period.
--..MiNDYY

The Real Thing (17)
by The Bird and the Worm

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-26

My screams fill the biting cold air,
For I do not know if I can ever bear,
This tragedy that has suddenly arrived,
Before my scared and petrified eyes.
`Biting -- it's an awkward word to use within that first line and just sounds like a nuisance rather than a powerful word that emphasizes the coldness of the air. Maybe change that word to one similar? I love the last lines of that stanza though.

I stay with him till help finally comes,
And by then I am completely numb,
With coldness, dread, and tons of fear,
As I silently start to cry some tears.
`Work on syllabication in this verse. I can see what you're saying, but the words used here are quite common, and it just breaks the flow of the piece.

I feel like the ending is weak. There's so much emotion that I can see that you're trying to express -- but it just feels empty. It wasn't the best, but it wasn't half bad.

--..MiNDYY

Fear's Comeuppance (17)
by Brittney Schmelter

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-26

Your word choice is absolutely brilliant -- from the very first line, it's like the words engulfed me. A haunting piece.

Moaning he moves his mouth nibbling across your skin
You remain motionless, unable to breath, unable to stop
Feeling him suck on your neck makes your world spin
Outside you've surrendered, inside slides a teardrop.
`I literally shivered at this stanza. The second line uses simple vocabullary -- but the words are powerful -- great diction. For some reason, "suck" sounds weird to me, or it could just be that I don't see it used often. That last line? Absolutely mesmerizing.

Rough hands press down, you finally feel emotion: fear.
On top of you he stares deeply into your innocent eyes.
He leans foreword and speaks softly but enough to hear:
"Nascentes mormur. Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis."
`Amazing stanza. The first line was brilliant (I know, I'm using brilliant a lot, and am going to be using it a lot because I lack knowledge of other vocabulary words). And the use of Latin is so different, but effective.

Twining his fingers in yours, there's not chance of rescue.
`AHHHH, this piece just gets better as it goes. Btw, not should be no, or you add an "a" after not, 'else it doesn't make sense. At least I hope I'm not just hallucinating. "Twining his fingers" makes me think sweet, soft bliss -- probably because I've been reading too many love poems, but then "no chance of rescue" -- a large contrast to me and it's so powerful.

Trailing his long tongue down to your neck from your ear.
He bites above your heart, it threatens to burst from you
Looming above you he continues, but the end never nears.
`"bites above your heart" -- I think I almost squealed reading that. Amazing imagery and I feel like it symbolizes something SO huge -- I just can't expain what.

Emotion starts to choke you, inside your filled with dread.
`"your" = "you're"

Stanza five wasn't so STUNNiNG, but it contained "You yearn for comfort and love, but its only you and him." -- which I just adoree. Though I feel that that verse wasn't as ... sophisticated as the others, it definitely, captured me with the fear that it exposes.

He pulls you closer and though you hate him, you relax.
While crying on his chest, he gently smooths your hair.
He pulls you into his lap and your body quickly reacts.
You shudder violently, this is one sickening nightmare.
`Such opposing beauty -- "you relax" -- "quickly reacts" -- "shudder violently" . Clever. Though I feel that the use of "this is one sickening nightmare" just breaks the beautiful flood of words.

Trapped in the field of dreams you and him lay together.
A part of you loves him, and the other loathes his being.
Never can you leave, caged inside with him forever.
Constantly saying: "If I truly was only dreaming."
`Brilliant word choice -- though "you and him" sounds awkward, but then nothing really can be done about that. A haunting ending image -- though I don't like "If I truly was only dreaming." It sounds gauche and a tad bit clumsy.

Overall, I loved it. It was different, straightforward and yet so urbane. Lovely job, hon.

--..MiNDYY

Stardom. (10)
by ASPHYXIATED

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-26

Look around you sunshine, Look what you've created,
A chaos ridden atmosphere is just an understatement.
`Amazing hook. The word choice is just BRiLLiANT -- clever and makes me read it in a mocking tone. Use of "sunshine" in the first line, and then "chaos" int he second. The image I begin to illustrate in my mind is pretty(:

Your need for perfection in a rock and roll life,
Will cost you your freedom, Addiction to the knife.
`Ah, the only thing I don't like, is the choice of rhyme. Just sounds so peculiar to me and not quite right.

Keep your smile sweetie, You're going to need it,
Now flaunt for the camera, Insecurities so conceited.
`Can I just say right here and now, that I'm not even done with the second stanza and already I'm in love? Second half of the first line here makes me think sarcasm -- and it just makes me smile and laugh at the fact that these lines speak so true.

Share your life story, How your childhood was so tough,
They don't know it rehearsed, Taken straight from a book.
`That second line lost me -- I think too many poems has made my brain malfunction -- but I don't get it. Mind elaborating =_=?

It's time for a disorder babe, You can take your pick,
Depression or bulimia, Popping pills or getting sick?
`OH MY GAAAAAAASH ! My all-time favourite lines , EVER . The ridicule in here just makes me giggle -- though "getting sick" seems a wee bit clumsy. Still, you can't top those lines.

Lovely ending. The last line just wraps it all up -- it's such a delightfully dejected piece. Just stunning, dear. Another spectacular write.

--..MiNDYY

Without You (13)
by Lonely Romeo

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-25

The sun used to shine
with the smile on your face,
the days always warm
with your heartfelt embrace.
`A bit hackneyed -- the use of the sun shining compared with the smile of the love. A somewhat weak beginning.

my poems always passionate
your actions influential.
`My first thoughts on this stanza? Where's he going with this? Then I read the rhyme you chose and the words you surrounded it with and I almost died, in a good way. The diction here is just, brilliant. It's so different, sophisticated, and yet so filled with emotion in just those two lines. The use of "influential" is just clever.

The nights always perfect
with you laying next to me,
my hand in yours
like we were meant to be.
`A weak rhyme for me -- you start out okay, then the second stanza's like, WHOA, and then this verse was just...tad disappointing. And the third line shortens in a way that it cracks the flow slightly.

you moved away
`I feel like you could choose better words for this. It doesn't break the flow, but it just doesn't sound quite right when I read it.

The sun still shines
but no where near as bright.
the stars that pass
barely light the night.
`Awkward. Rhyming three times -- twice in one short line--it threw me off. Maybe a different choice of vocab for "light" ?

bits and pieces,
all I can reconcile.
`Too short of lines--it speeds up the flow and it just sounds feeble. I do love the choice of rhyme though.

The nights never end
as I toss and twist,
these weightless sheets
can't bring back your lips.
`I do not like the use of "night" again after it was used two stanzas back, but I do adore this canto. The lexis is just breathtaking -- so utterly soft -- the words literally danced across my lips.

I love the ending -- slightly disparate to most love poems that I read on here, which is good. Overall, it was an enjoyable read. It had it's strong, beautiful moments, but the weak outweighed the amazing. At times, the vocabulary was too simple -- lines were too short and the broken fragments in the stanzas just didn't work together with the rest of the poem. There's a repitition of words that isn't quite noticable, but it abates the power of the piece some.

Well, done though. Just a few edits here and there and it'll be marvelous.
--..MiNDYY

True Love Shines Through a Yearning Heart (12)
by Blissful

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-25

Peaking into his affectionate eyes, she now glimpses a hint of hope
`Peeking ++ glimpses sounds awkward to me.

Warm embrace eased all darkness and misery she once called her friends
Heart given the wings to freely fly and explore infinite beauty around her
Endless dreams, countless wishes on sparkling stars finally found a home
`I think it would sound better as "fly freely" instead of "freely fly" but that's just me.
Anyhow, another amazing piece -- your work never phases and always comes out stunning. The diction and word choice here was absolutely amazing -- though at times, the flow faltered a tiny, teeny bit, though not noticable really -- the imagery you create is absolutely breathtaking.

In a way, you show and you tell in this piece, while creating a beautiful velvet sheet of magic that just captures the reader and engulfs all emotion.

The beginning is such a great hook -- and it ends strong. Marvelous job, dear.

--..MiNDYY

Lingering in Silence (24)
by Krathia

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-25

That was absolutely awe-inspiring. Just gorgeous. It's so beautifully different from the MANY other poems that use the context of "I still..."

I still hear
in the mists of slumber
whispered lullabies
from a childhood
I no longer remember
`Breathtaking picture that this paints. I could literally hear voices singing -- a strong, powerful opening. Just incredible.

I still taste
the saccharine melodies
that played so sweetly
in the dance hall as I waited
for the kiss that never came
`A bitter sweet last line to the second stanza. The use of "saccharine" makes the words just so much stronger -- so sugary, but the verse ends with a poignant emotion.

I still recall
the lyrics to our songs
and even now, I wonder
why you didn�t take your guitar
with you when you left
`A question that holds such sentiment -- it's absolutely haunting and tugs at my own cords of an old loving memory.

I still feel
these memories plucking at
my heartstrings and I
still hear the notes
lingering in silence
`My first reaction to the use of "heartstrings" was, NOOOO. It's a term used quite often, I've seen, in poetry these days, but then I read to the last string of words and I'm blown away.

I know already used this word, but gorgeous, GORGEOUS job. Just so refreshing and enchanting.

--..MiNDYY

Even If You Don't, Pretend To Love Me For A Second (9)
by Melpomene

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-24

First off, I must say that I absolutely adore the title of this poem. It's so simple, yet means so much.

Pages of insecurities watercolor roads of chalked hearts,
`A beautiful opening, truly. It's mesmerizing--and the way I interpret it, I find it brilliant. I never liked watercolors -- they tended to destroy my pieces and never came out looking right -- they're too runny, and I love the picture that this paints in my mind. A dripping road waiting to dry--"chalked" hearts...Brilliant. Chalk can be blown away--erased as easy as hearts can be broken. A fragility that I feel is captured wonderfully. Just my outlook anyhow.

Embroidered firefly's prance become lost within painted hour,
Though if you dare to stumble rain drops are all you shall see.
`"Painted hour" -- Dazzling choice of diction. I can't explain it, but it so deeply pulls me in. I just love it. And rain drops are a beautiful thing to me--here, you make it come out as hauntingly beautiful.

Grasp my hands in manipulation for daggers reach star hearts,
Dreams of silhouettes shall now entwine with a rose of thorns,
`GORGEOUS(!) imagery here. Oh, man. It literally took my breath away. Your word choice is so simple, but put in a way that's absolutely intricate and just stunning.

Flower beds hold no beauty for porcelain lies aggravate my sleep.
`The use of "Flower beds" here is brilliant. (how many times have I used that word in this comment so far?)

Moonlight across floor boards taunts me with its angelic glow,
Whispering your words into the winds of a higher known calling,
A scent of wicked perfume travels carelessly through light breeze,
Tempting me with deceit as you play these games of pretend.
`For some odd reason, I feel like it should be taunt instead of taunts, but then I haven't been thinking straight for the past few months, so don't mind me.
Anyhow, while reading that very last stanza, every word is just so animate and thriving. It's like they're breathing in my air. A gorgeous way to end such a magnificent piece. I just didn't like "wicked." It's like, I kind of get what you're getting at using that word, but it just doesn't sound right with the rest of the graceful expressions you used. Either way, this poem, is definitely flawless. The air that you create with the words is just so ... contradicting with the way I interpret this poem, but it's SO strong.

Just beautiful.
--..MiNDYY

Disguise Your Screams With Velvet Dreams (6)
by Melpomene

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-24

Okay, I think I'll just say that I adore ALL of your titles so I don't have the urge to repeat myself every time I read one of your pieces? [:

So, here goes:
I loved this piece more than the one I read before this--and I LOVED that one. This one was just so... awe-inspiring (I am so tempted to just use the words gorgeous, beautiful, brilliant and breathtaking over + over again xD).

"Dance with me" He whispered, draping a cloak around my neck,
`A mysterious beginning -- really drew me in. How he "whispers" what sonuds like an affection-filled few words, but he "drapes a cloak" which gives me this vision of him blinding her from the truth--whatever that may be.

Slowly my eyes became bloodshot raped by his intoxicating smell,
`Sigh. Such a powerful line. The use of "raped" -- typically when I read a poem with the words "his intoxicating smell," it's something about a lover that's missed, or of beautiful memories, but this, is just WHAM. Weird expression, forgive it, but I'm currently at a loss for words.

Sweet letters of my consciousness biting frantically at tense veins..
`The personification here...Oh, can I just say I worship your words?

"Walk away from him" She demanded, White lights flickering in my mind,
`The white lights bring death to mind, how she says to walk away from him -- he's a danger, is what I get the feeling of, but he's like this divine temptation for demise.

"Don't listen to her" He hushed, Swinging my body into sweet embrace,
`How strongly these opposing people are going against each other is so beautifully written by you. Powerful words, yet they're so simple. The girl comes off more demanding and aggressive, but the guy sounds like the bigger threat -- tho he comes off as so much gentler.

"Choose me" he quietly murmurs whilst pushing me further off the fringe.

"Step off the ledge" She screams, rushing forward with feathered wings,
"Fly with me" He laughs, Now wrapping warm arms around my waist,
"No" She finally gasps, Grasping her hand to hollow beating chest,
As suddenly I begin to fall, Giving in to my consciousness of this regret.
`Gorgeous ending. I can't even begin to explain the thoughts and interpretations of this piece that are running through my head. I don't know what to say -- it's just a lingering masterpiece that I want to read over and over again.

--..MiNDYY

The Heart Of Ashley Randazzo (8)
by LARISSA is my name but call me jade

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-24

She pretended her world was something it wasn't.
Pretending to herself, soon turned into many horrible lies.
`I don't like the use of "pretend" twice in a row. It breaks the flow of words.

The third stanza -- For some reason, I adore it. I love how you have a group of short sentences that are so simple and yet they say so much.

They weighted her down, like bricks on her back.
`Weighed


It was to late, nobody could trust a liar.
She had dug herself a grave, she was in far to deep.
`Both the the "to"'s should be "too."

Did she elop?
`elope

Then the most unlkikly event occured,
`Unlikely

I gave her a chance, the bennifit of the doubt.
`Benefit

I feel like the poem was just too long. I know it's something important and meaningful, but it was like it was being dragged out for too long. I didn't want to read it through. Lines were too long -- the flow was just broken. You do have power though, when you use less words, like in the third and tenth stanzas. You also repeat A LOT of the same words over and over and over again throughout the poem, and it just takes away from the meaning of those words that were so strong int he beginning.

It just didn't work for me. In such a long piece, it only shined a few times. Read over it; show instead of tell--because you do a lot of telling and it takes away from the piece. Edit it -- because I know this write can be so much better.

I'd vote, but it'd be a three, and I don't know if you'd want for that to bring down the rating if that matters any to you. I will if you want me to tho.

--..MiNDYY

The World Waits for Jesus, I'm Waiting for You (9)
by Anthony Doubal

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-23

Okay, first off, I just ADORE the title. It's catchy, and absolutely luminous. Now, my first thoughts when I read the first couples of lines was, Oh god, this is gonna be a slight cliche. But then, I finish it, and I just fall in love with it.

Again, your vocabulary is simple, but the way you put the words together and the order in which you put them make them so established.

We don't mind the breeze
It keeps us close together
`I love the image that comes to mind. My friends hate the wind -- when it's strong enough, it always knocks us into into each other and blows things into our faces, but this, the use of a breeze keeping two people close togheter, I feel is just beautiful.

And gently lick the bottom of our feet
`The use of lick -- This may make me soudn odd, but that made me laugh. I don't know why.

I can feel your heavy heart
When you sleep on top of me
But they've always said I was a strong man
I can lift it with my love
`At first, I thought, Why would he make the heart heavy? Then I got to the last line in that stanza, and it was like I was swept off my feet. It's so sweetly simple--an overused idea of lifting something with love, but you make it work just amazing.

It will never sink again
`I love the repitition of that line. It's powerful, and a gorgeous way to end.

Very nice piece.
--..MiNDYY

Everything you got. [Draft of Lyrics.] (6)
by ASPHYXIATED

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-21

First off, this was amazing. I didn't expect such a piece from the title, but it was definitely worth the read. There were three tiny little typos that I found:

Your frightened and alone.
`You're
Theres no more tears to wipe,
`There should be an apostrophe in There's.
'Cause emotions isn't hot,
`The first chorus stanza -- emotion.

So overall, I was blown away. Seriously. When they say "Show, don't tell" will make your writing amazing, I didn't know just how amazing until I read this. You never really come straight out and say what you're writing about -- it's implied, and you did an amazing job with it.

You rip a little skin,
On the places you don't show,
Just a small imperfection,
As your self destruction grows.
`A brilliant choice of words; if the reader isn't grabbed from the very beginning, this (the chorus, I'm assuming) will definitely haul them in.

You wipe away your tears,
'Cause emotions isn't hot,
`These were the most dazzling lines of the whole piece, I feel. On the runway and such, you're expected to either never smile and you can never look like you're going through crap. In "normal" lives for teens, so many ball up their emotion -- "wipe away your tears." Just something that came to mind.

It's you against the world girl,
`Right there, when I say it, the girl makes it sound weird and awkward, but I think if you're gonna sing it, it'll sound good.

You gave it everything you got,
Shows you had a lot.
`That ending...I feel it's weak compared to the rest of the piece. I know you wanted a "helpful" comment, and I tried to look for imperfections, but I couldn't find any -- until I hit the very last line "shows you had a lot." It just sounds feeble and takes away from a strong, beautiful verse. That would be the only I would reccommend you look at. Mind that, the lyrics are laudable.

--..MiNDYY

Radiate my Forlorn Soul (21)
by Blissful

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-20

The style looks and is slightly different from what I usually see you write -- and I tried to find a favourite line, but jeez, honey, you did it again and blew me away. This poem, the words are so simple, but the lines are just ... there's no word for it, kay? The way you ended it was just picturesque and brilliant.

"Will your love rupture through the gates around my heart?"
`That was just the most gorgeous imagery. A concept so overused, but you phrased it to make it radiant.

You start with questions, and end it with an ending that opens the reader up to question whether the person has been salvaged or not. You're brilliant, darlin' -- it's why I can never seem to dislike your work.

--..MiNDYY

Looking in the Eyes of Love (46)
by Blissful

commented by BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D ) at 2007-10-20

I feel that this poem would be so much stronger, that instead of having those adjectives be LiKE something, have them actually be those metaphors that you used to describe them -- not that is isn't one of the strongest darn poems I've ever read .

This was absolutely astounding -- beautiful . Truly one of the best pieces I've ever read. How you describe love, and how you portray it is just breathtakingly captivating.
..__MiNDYY

Angel of the Ivory Keys (13)
by Brigitte

commented by WANNAbe Juliet ( F P C D ) at 2007-04-19

"Sitting tall and proud"
It really seems ... too simple . Like overused kind of [not in the poem , like with other poems too] . Maybe find other ways to describe that .

"While her slender body sticks to the seat"
'Sticks' kind of sounds weird to me . In a way, I feel like it doesn`t fit into the poem . Like the vocabulary choice & that word just don`t ... I don`t know how to explain it .

I feel like you should work on it a bit more . Maybe some slight revising and editing ? Other than that, I really have no negative things to say . I like the repitition (sp?) . Most of the time, people try to do that and it just doesn`t work . But you made it fly with the poem .
..__MiNDYY

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