Praised comments by Cayce

She'll never escape (broken wings) (8)
by Gizmo

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-23

That was such a messed up poem, but a very good one. :] It's so sad that these kinds of things happen, I think she should be strong enough to get up and leave, but I can understand why she doesn't. Easier said than done as they always say. I think you painted the picture here very nicely.. I could see everything in my head, him hitting her, and she just stays on the ground..

Um.. there were just a few things that can easily be fixe, so I'll point those out to you. :]

Cold,alone,broken lieing motionless on the ground,
-- There should be a space after all the comma's, and "lieing" should be "lying".

In a place that shes always hated in a world that don't care,
-- I think "don't" should be "doesn't".

She can't even cry shes so used to this hard cold ground.
-- If I were you.. I'd change the word "cold" to something else. You've already used it once in the beginning of the poem, so maybe try a different way to describe it? Maybe.. frigid, harsh, or cruel? Something like that. :]

Hit her again, she likes the colours you leave on her skin,
-- Just got to say I really love that line. >.>

she must do you no! shes staying, when shes dieing within,
-- Um, this like kind of confuses me.. I tihnk you mean "you know!", but I'm not sure. Also, again "dieing" should be "dying".

she crawls to your feet begging you no more pain,beatings or rape,
-- Spaces between the comma's. Oh and there should be another comma after "beatings".

you just laugh, and stand on her wings so she will never escape.
-- I think that was a perfect way the end the poem. Seriously. It shows into the future.. how she'll never be able to leave, because he's always holding her down and making her stay somehow. Drepressng.. but it really fit the whole poem.

Overall, loved it!

Great job! :]

Cayce

Photoshopped to Delightful Health (5)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-18

Mindyy! Haha, I haven't talked to you in foreverr! This probably isn't the place to put that though.. so onto the poem. XD

When I first even glanced at the poem.. I loooved the way it was all laid out. Like the structure of it, you know? Grr, I'm not having a very good day with words. Haha.

You know.. I didn't even realize there were no capital letters until I went back and really looked at it. I really like that you did that.. I have no idea why, because usually that -really- bugs me.

Heart enclosed in a doughnut of allergies--
-- That is -such- a strong opening.. I loved the use of the word doughnut.. it was just really unexpected.

the contours of your laugh leave bumps upon my skin
-- Truthfully.. I didn't like the word "bumps". It's like an ugly word for me. I know.. I'm a weird person. XD I mean who thinks words are ugly?

....dusky skies outline sun-cracked lips.
-- Loooooved it. Imagery was amazing here.

run you over in my black Impala--we're even:
-- Omg, that made me laugh. When I think revenge that's one of the things I think of doing, running over them in my car. Probably wasn't supposed to be funny though. A lot of weird things are making me laugh tonight.

half a cigarette for your half healthy lung.
-- I know it's soo common to use cigarette's in poems, but it never gets old to me. I just can't help it.. there's just something about cigarette's that makes me think poetry. So I really loved that line. I also liked how you put it.. like it's okay to have half a cigarette, because half of your lung is healthy even if the other half isn't. XD

guilty.
tipping.
-- I really don't get why you put tipping.. did I miss something? o.O

chocolate rimmed with brandy drunk--
-- Ahh, alcohol is another one of those things that just makes me think poetry.. I love it. Oooh, and I also like how you put it with chocolate.. it makes it almost innocent.. when it's soo not.

I've missed reading your stuff sooo much. It's so much better than what I've been writing, but I've kind of gotten really relaxed with my stuff.. I'm just trying to write what I feel.. and when I try to make it better it just turns into something completely different.

Anyways, it was amazing. [Duhh, of course it was, you wrote it.] Haha.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Oh, How I'd Do Anything (Song) (23)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-12

First of all... I really wish I could hear this sung with music, but sometimes a good song doesn't need music to have a good rhythm and flow. We'll see.. Haha. :]

Distant "I love you's" I can hear,
-- I love this line, because if I'm being honest with myself, I can really relate to it. I think you worded it just right.. not overdoing it with fancy words, but just wording it.. right? Ha, sorry, I can't really think right now, but it was beautiful.

Oh, how I'd do anything.
-- You can really feel the emotion and longing here, the pain of being away from her.. and how you'd do anything the change that. And for some reason I really liked the "Oh" at the beginning.. lol.

My nose grows cold for you.
-- That's got to mean something.. like some underlying meaning, I just have no idea what it is. But it's kind of cute, and reminds me of winter when you've stayed outside too long and your nose is freezing. lol. I'm so in a weird mood today.

For you
For you
For you
For you
For you
For you
For you
-- I'm really not sure what to think about this.. lol I bet it sounds good when it's sung though. So, I like it, I think.

I keep a part of you with me,
deep within my heart and soul.
Oh, I'd do anything and everything...
-- Ahh, there it is again. Such pain.. but also so much love. It's like you'll love her always, no matter how far apart you both are.

Far away, miles apart
-- I like the repetition of this, because it wasn't overdone, and it really got your point across with reminding the reader that you and your lover are far away from each other. Which just really sucks by the way..

So overall, I thought it was a very good song. It definitely had it's own little rhythm that I could pick up, which made me happy, because I wasn't stopping and pausing at awkward times while reading it. You really love this person that you're writing about.. or either you're really good at faking it.. but I think it's real. :]

Great job, Joe!

Keep writing!
Cayce

IF he really loved me. (26)
by Megan

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-05

To be honest..

I didn't really like this. It didn't have any emotion at all in it, and the repetition almost drove me insane. ><

It just seemed like you stated you feelings.. no poetic tone or anything. I've heard this all before and it just really doesn't interest me.

Try metaphors, similes, imagery just anything to make the poem unique and special. Open you heart and let the words flow from your soul. Write from you heart and you'll feel the emotion when you read the poem. I know you can do it if you really try.

Sorry if this was harsh; I'm really not a mean person. ><

Keep writing; never give up!

.||CAYYCE||.

Whispered Rhymes on Ink Stained Pages (25)
by SiLeNtLy ScReAmInG

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-04

I loved this poem. It was definitely long, but you held my attention throughout the whole piece. I can relate to this, and I'm pretty sure almost everyone on this site can. You vent through your poems, so you don't show any signs of pain around people.

You're imagrey in this was amazing. I got this picture of a girl writing furiously, then falling asleep at her desk, pen in hand. Then, waking up to find all these pages she had written he thoughts out on thrown across the room. It's like it's the only way she can let out her feelings.. the only escape.

Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep,
`` I looove this line. It flows so well, and the last part is really unique. Usually people would say "Cries herself to sleep", but writing yourself to sleep, I think really describes a poet. It's like you have so many things to write you end up falling asleep before you can finish.

The right words won't seem to form, so she takes her pen and writes "I'll be okay, I swear."
`` I think she's trying to convince herself that she'll be okay one day, but really at the back of her mind, she knows she won't. She lies to herself, because she doesn't want to believe the truth.. I could be totally wrong about this, but it's what I got from it. It was a great ending by the way, leaves the reader wondering and wanting more of the story.

Brilliantly written. :]

Keep writing!

.||CAYYCE||.

THAT IS LIFE !! (3)
by Mister 47

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-04

Let's first start with the title. I don't think you should write it all in caps, and I don't think the exclamation marks at the end are really necessary.

Now onto the poem.

life is not a word to say
to know you must follow the way
`` I'm very confused here. I don't get what you're trying to say. Maybe word it a little more clearer?

to live , you must in love fell,
`` This was worded very awkwardly and only to fit the rhyme, which then makes the rhyme feel forced.

laugh and cry , smile and weep
`` I don't like how in the line above this you used cry, and then used it in this line too. Also weep is just another word for cry.. so it's like you're saying the same thing in the same line.

and feel the pain when he is tared apart
`` Do you mean teared apart? Even then it wouldn't be right. It should be tore apart.


sometimes, you laugh till the you see you tears,
`` "you" should be "your".


Okay, this poem didn't really interest me, but that's just my opinion. I think it could use more metaphors or similes, and maybe just more emotion. It was a little bland and boring to read.

I'm sorry if this comment is offending; I'm really not a mean person. Just honest. >< I hope that's okay.

I'm sure you can do better, just reach inside yourself and let your emotions flow. :]

Keep writing; never give up!

.||CAYYCE||.

Tempting Skin. (11)
by Blissful

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-03

Mesmerizing eyes captivate my soul
Radiant smile hypnotizes my heart
`` What I don't like here is that Mesmerizing and Radiant have just been used a lot to describe eyes and smile. I know they're not simple adjectives, but it just seems like.. they're so common now. Don't get me wrong though, they're still great descriptions, very vivid. I just would like to see some different words. Oh and "hypnotizes my heart" <----- I love that part! ^-^

One night of passion fresh in memory
Tainting four years of devoted love
`` I really wasn't expecting this. o.o I just thought it was going to be two lovers, but they cheated on the person they loved. I love that little twist.

Loyal love lost due to tempting skin
`` Great ending. It really makes it clears up what the poem was about, and it gives the reader insight into the future with the "Loyal love lost" part. If you hadn't put that then we would have never known if that person found out and left them or what.

Overall. Amazing peice for a love poem. You're descriptions were above and beyond, and painted very clear pictures in my mind.

I hope this helped you get over writer's block. :]

Keep writing!

.||CAYCEE||.

Floods of Tattoo Dreams (8)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-01

Wow, ten new poems? XD You've been busy while you were away.

Ahh, fix it all the "Iâ??d"'s Haha, I hate it when it does that. ><


And your pale fingers never actually seem to turn the key;
This lock I fight is forever toyed with and stained,
by the many scrapes that your hesitation has caused.
`` Oooh, it's like.. he won't go that extra step. I don't exactly know what he won't do, but he won't do something, and you want him to. Bad. I love the metaphor!

At first, Iâ??d have become enraged by your actions,
(or lack of any, if weâ??re going for a little accuracy here.)
Though, given the circumstances of our drought,
Iâ??m not surprised that you remain without tears.
`` Lack of actions. So... he's not what..? Oh man, my imagination could run wild here. So many things are popping into my mind. I love that, giving just enough room in a poem for the reader to make it fit into their own life.

The infallible repute of your wretched lies exceed you,
just as my tastes have finally grown to rise past us--
`` Hmmm.. grown tired of your relationship? Loooove your word choice! ^.^

My blind eyes give vision now, and it most saddens me,
that I make such effort to embed only a mundane memory.
`` Are you saying that you were blinded by.. love? but now you see him for who he really is, and not just the wonderful person you thought he was?

But unlike the perforated lungs that lay murdering your heart,
your tongue just never seems to slow down.
`` I'm not exactly sure what the first line means, but the second one I think is saying he can't stop talking, maybe if you dig deeper it could mean he can't stop telling lies.

Though Iâ??m hoping that in the next ten minutes or so,
youâ??ll finally talk too fast and bite yourself in the arse.
(God knows itâ??d save me a mint and a stick of gum.)
But hey, you can always choke on your jagged words some more,
before swallowing becomes too hard because your lies
poked too many holes as they traveled down your throat.
`` Oh man, this is definitely my favorite stanza, so far. I didn't even want to break it up. XD I looove the sarcasm dripping from this one. It made me laauugghh. It kind of gives you a break from all the sad stuff that was before it, too. Briilliiaannnt. :]

Itâ??s such a shame that itâ??s come down to this:
Youâ??d think that after the first few times, youâ??d have learned,
that without a brain in that hollow socket of yours,
you shouldnâ??t go jumping off of cliffs without a life jacket--
And maybe a helmet to protect the only thing you have going for you:
The reflection of a beauty that never wouldâ??ve happened anyway.
`` And the sarcam continues! Mwuhahahaha. I love how you called him stupid without actually saying it. I wonder if he could even figure it out. [Wow, I'm talking about this person like he's actually real and I don't even know if he is or not! But that's greeaaat, because your poem is so good it makes me think he's real.]

But who am I to destroy your hopes and dreams?
(the same way you tried to eradicate mine.)
`` Hahaha! Amazing ending. I love iiit. It's like revenge.

I loved every single little incy wincy thing about this poem. Your word choice was amazing, as were all the metaphors. Sorry, if this comment doesn't make sense, I was talking to my friend and writing this out at the same time. XD

Greeaatt Joobb!

_.CAYCE.- [Ahhh, I want a cool way to sign my name. >< Help me? XD]

Innocence (A Story) (15)
by Normal is the Watchword

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-23

That was a great short story. I love the how your descriptions seemed to bring the story to life, how it seemed like I was actually the girl you were talking about, you know her emotions and exactly the way she feels. The plot was.. common, yet unique. Unique, because it's about not wanting people to see her. She wants to be isolated, when most people crave attention. It's common and relatable, though, because it's about a teenager [I'm assuming] struggling with problems.

You were able to make everything flow pretty well. When I've tried writing stories, that's been the hardest part for me. Making it read smoothely and not having any awkward pauses. I seriously think you could have a future in writing books. I know there's a lot of people who would enjoy this, and it's only a short story. I hope you continue this.. maybe turn it into something more that a short story? I'd definitely read it.

I had interest in finding the nearest chair that was mostly hidden in shadows from the poor light circulation. My shelter.

It didn't exist.
`` I know I've felt like this at times, when you just want a sanctuary to retreat to, but there isn't one anywhere in the world. You're exposed to everyone's prying eyes.

The wooden table farthest from the door greets me like an unwanted host family and I am its' foreign guest.
`` I think this is a great simile for describing how that unwelcoming table makes her feel.



There were a few things that bugged me while I was reading this, nothing too horrible, though. :]

He's still waiting for the inspiration to zap him. I want to hit him.
`` I don't like how you ended both of those sentences one after another with the same word. I know it's picky, but it bugs me. >< Maybe add something after the word "him" in the first sentence. Um, maybe somethng like "He's still waiting for the inspiration to zap him like lightning." Just a suggestion, though. :]

Another boy with dark hair wearing a gray shirt smirks at me. He makes one of those rude hand gestures at me.
`` Same thing with this one. You could just take the "at me" out in the second sentence though. I'm probably just being weird and am the only one who is bugged by that. Haha. So, don't listen to me if you think it's fine.

Well, seriously, that's all that I didn't like about this. It was very interesting and held my attention the whole time, never once did my mind wander. It's difficult to do that with long stories/poems, too. So amazing job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

P.S. If you do write a second part to this, message me! :]

Corrosive Incompatibility (20)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-18

Wow, soso. For a girl who doesn't write dark poems that was rather good. You definitely captured the tormented and haunting atmosphere.

There's no punctuation. At all. o.O Did you do that on purpose? I think it needs just a little to help the flow, just a few periods and commas would be great. :]

I like the format of this, however. It's very interesting. Short lines in two long stanzas.. It works great with this poem.

Into morbid monstrous battlefield
A lonely abraded heart
Was writhing in agony
`` You can almost feel the torture here, as if it was your own heart writhing.

Contaminated lacerations
Over that angelic face
Were bleeding profusely
`` The imagery is do vivid. It's like I can see those cuts oozing with liquid. It almost makes me a little sick, but it's very good for this dark scene.

Envy killed her unborn dreams
`` Wow. I love this line as the start of another stanza. It's genius. I wish my mind could come up with these types of things. ><

Greed made of her ambition
A fairy tale
`` I don't like how "A fairy tale" is on the next line. I pause after every line is finished so it just sounds weird when I read it. ><

Ropes of hope
Turned to be sharp hooks
Incircling her delicate neck
`` Aw.. she was tricked by hope.. It was just pain in disguise. I know how that feels..

This was really great, the whole poem was like one big metaphor. I hope your cousin is okay and makes the right choices. :]

Keep writing!
Cayce

Love Although Dim Will Never Fade. (14)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-16

My forlorn heart still flutters-
as it still remains in one piece;
awaiting your arrival to captivate it
and love me the way I love you.
`` This was a great opening. Very eye catching and something I'm sure most people can relate to. Waiting on a guy is not really healthy, but it's hard not to sometimes, when you care about him so much. I know, I've been there.

Constantly being told to let the feelings dissolve-
by those who I confide in, is becoming too much to take.
I've tried so hard to let things fade in the past,
but have found out that it doesn't last long.
`` You can never forget someone you love, and it makes me mad when people tell you to forget about them. I know they're just trying to help, but they don't understand.. you can't just forget them. That's impossible.

Letting these feelings fade away will break my heart,
for the thought of you would no longer linger in my mind.
I refuse to let this happen to me,
so I will continue to hold on to these genuine feelings.
`` That first line blew me away. It's like if you forget him it'll break your heart, but remembering him breaks your heart too. Either way you lose. The last line gives off the feeling of hopelessness, but I think it's a good ending for the poem.

I really loved your word choice. The whole poem was wonderful. Great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

I Think I Like You (14)
by A Phine To Sour Skittles

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-13

Well, I don't really like these types of poems, but since you asked, I'll try to comment it with an open mind. :]

If I told you I cared
I cared as more then a friend
If I told you I cared
Would this all end
`` Well, since I'm kind of a freak about having the right punctuation and stuff, I'll help you out there. x] "then" should be "than", and after end there should be a question mark. Umm, just because a poem sounds better without so many "I, you, my's" I think you should take out the I in the second line. Other than that, I can tell this is going to be a poem the a lot of people can relate to, and the flow is pretty smoothe, the rhyming didn't seem forced here. So I think it's a pretty good start, and a lot of people will like it. :]

If I told you I think
I think I like you
`` Okay, I wasn't sure about these two lines, just because it doesn't stick with the style you stared out with, but I like it now. It almost reminds me of someone stuttering because they're nervous about telling someone something, which works amazingly here.

What would you do?
If I told you I cryed
All last night to the thoughts
That this may never be
`` You should move the question mark to the end on the last line, and "cryed" should be "cried". :] Also, you didn't continue the rhyming here. It didn't really bother me though, and usually it does. Maybe it's because it has a good rhythm.

But we are so far away
I want to be close
Closer then this
`` Three lines now? o.O This format is all over the place, but I think it might represent the chaos that's going on inside your mind. You're so nervous about telling this person that you like him. Or maybe I'm just thinking about this too deeply. >.> I do that a lot.

If I said in my heart
It is only you
How would you take it?
What would you do?
`` I do like the questions, because it leaves the reader wondering what would he do.. Even though this is a pretty common topic, I haven't gotten bored with it yet.

If I told you this feeling
They told me is love
What would you say?
What would you do?
`` Wow, love? I thought it was just like.. This guy must be pretty special. I think that maybe you're over-doing it with the questions just a bit, though. I like them, but not in almost every stanza.

I write this here because
I'm afraid you wont like me back
Like I like you
`` Like again? Which is it, love or like? There's a big difference between the two. Maybe you could re-phrase this something like "Writing this here, because I'm afraid you won't return my feelings." You don't have to do it like that [Mine was pretty bad anyways XD] but maybe something with less I's and you's?

How do you feel
As I pour out my heart
Every wish a knife in my heart?
What would you say?
What would you do?
`` Oooh, I really like the third line. It added just a touch of originality. :]

If I told you this from my heart
`` This summed up the whole poem nicely. I like how you put it by itself, because it makes more of an impact. You made sure whoever was reading this knew that everything you said was from your heart.

If this is a true poem, I think you should give it to that person you like. I'm sure they'd love it, and who knows? They might just like you back. x]

Good job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Paint Me Blue (10)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-13

There are pieces of me you'd never see:
alabaster constellations
of orchids and farewells;
Pearly clouds unfold pregnant stories
within seaweed weakness.
`` Wow. Oh my gosh, I've missed reading your poems! This was an amazing opening. I love how your first line is so easy to read and understand, but then you go into all the words with so much meaning, but you have to search for that meaning, it's not simple and clearly seen. When I see poems written with those type of words I always know it's your poem, you just have a unique way of writing that sticks out and everyone knows it's yours. Does that make sense?

Paint me blue-
now, you'll let me fall.
`` Well when I think of the word blue, I think of sorrow and despair. So, I think you're saying something like "Make me sad, then let me fall [hmm, I guess fall could be like losing everything, or reaching rock bottom, something like that.]". I like how you put it by itself too. That makes it stick out more, which makes it more likely to get stuck in my head.

Reveries... all those flowers obscene,
bloom, scurrilous... immoral;
`` This reminds me of dreaming.. like in a daze or something. Except the dream is a nightmare. >.>

honey, I do love this,
this angelic obscurity of sacrilege.
Overshadowed chambers entrapped
our carnal sentiments.
`` Ahh, I love the "honey, I do love this" part. It's almost sarcastic, I think, or maybe.. maybe it's more like trying to make them really believe that you love it.

Paint me blue-
now, you'll let me die.
`` Oh, the reptition is wonderful here, it's not overdone, AND you changed that last line. It went from falling to dying.. rather depressing, but beautiful in that sad way. I love how someone can make something so sad be so beautiful, and you've done just that with this whole piece.

Lovely job as always! x]

Keep writing!
Cayce

Plain English ((just for you)) (6)
by StandStill

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-13

Gabbyyy, I hope this isn't real, but I think it is. ><

I can understand it though. Almost every line, I can understand and I've been there.

I have a confession to make
that you're not going to understand.
I only halfway believe in God
he feels so far from where I stand.
`` I've always believed in God, but I have had times when it felt like He wasn't there, like He was busy somewhere else, and I just didn't matter. I know different now, though.

Do you understand taht now?
Because that's problem number one.
How bout number two...?
That's the smoking gun.
`` Little typo, "taht" should be "that". I've been through thoughts of suicide, and one attempted suicide, it was stupid, but that was.. four years ago. Wow it doesn't seem like that long ago. ><

I hate everything about me,
what with my lack of ability to verbalize.
Do you understand THAT?
Because there's tears pouring from my eyes.
`` I've definitely been here. I use to hate myself with a passion and thought everything was my fault and I could just do nothing right. I still feel like that at times, but it's rare.

I kind of wish I could run into the rain
and slip and fall and have it end.
Just wish that I could blow this off,
tell you "Talk to you later, friend".
`` Giving up is not a good feeling. Sometimes you just want to say "F-ck this" and give up, but keep fighting, because it's worth it.

I'm jealous of the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
She's beautiful and wonderful
anyone could see.
`` Um, I'm not sure who you're talking about here, but I get the feeling it's one of your friends. I've been jealous of so many people, especially my friends. It didn't do me a whole lot of good, because I'd just keep it bottled up, pretending that I was okay. Now I don't have very many friends left.

And everyone seems better,
better than me at my f-cking best.
But you wouldn't understand that,
because maybe you're just like the rest.
`` This goes back to the feelings of feeling worthless, like you can't do anything right. I think most everyone goes through this at some time in their lives, but I know it hurts.

I don't mean to blow you off.
I don't mean to push you away.
I just don't know how to say the things
that I feel I need to say.
`` I've also distanced myself from people. It feels good at first, because you have time alone to just be by yourself and think, figure things out, but then you get lonely, so lonely, and there's no one there.

Everything is building up,
that song was just the pretty cherry on the top.
I just want to make it go away...
just want to make it stop.
`` That last line, I've repeated to myself so many times..

Sorry about the whole "I know how it feels" thing. I just don't want you to feel alone. I've gone through a lot of this stuff, and believe me it will get better. Just try to hold onto your friends with everything you have, because they're a part of you. You need them and they need you. *huggles* I hope you're okay. ><

Haha, if this wasn't true I probably look really stupid right now. Oh wells. x]

This was a very heartfelt and emotional poem. You definitely have a talent with putting emotions into poems.

Keep writing!
Cayce

<3

Electric throng (3)
by johnny lives in caves

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-12

Erm, wow, that was definitely something I haven't read before. I'm currently trying to figure out if I like it.

Here come the 17 year locust
`` I think you need to write out the word seventeen. It's correct grammar, but I just think it makes the poem look more apealing.

jesus sent, to thin the herd of humans,
`` Oh man this is a disturbing line. Comparing humans to a herd.. I keep thinking a herd of cows. XD I guess it's a little funny if you think about it hard enough. I like it, but Jesus needs to be capitalized, and I'm not quite sure why you have a comma after sent.

let's talk about it over some coffee
and discuss our certain demise,
`` I like how you're putting something so normal with something so.. depressing. It gives off the sense that'd you're calm even through everything that's happening. I keep picturing two people sitting at a table drinking coffee while locust fly around over their heads.

from the cigarette rolling prophet,
`` So contradicting. Someone that is suppose to be so good and holy is rolling a cigarette. It reminds me of someone is this anime that I watch. >.>

better to not keep your head above ground
because jesus knows, the very last sound
you hear, will be the 17 year locust
separating your skull form your neck
`` Woooow. Oh my gosh. These last lines were just so... creepy. I love them. That last line was really graphic, you could really picture what would happen. This could all be metaphorical, but I took everything literally. I like how someone could take it either way though. It leaves room for the imagination.

So, if you haven't noticed I've decided I like it. x] I think you should go back and add the right punctuation and capitalization though. i didn't see one period. >< Maybe you did it on purpose though? Either way, I don't think it takes away from the unsettling atmosphere of the poem.

You did a great job! x]


Please keep in mind that all my suggestions are just suggestions and you don't have to change anything about your poem if you don't want to.

Keep writing!
Cayce

While the smoke settles (10)
by Lizaveta

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-12

The soft moonless night
Will wipe away my tear
I promised not to cry
But why did it appear?
`` Hmm, maybe you could use a metaphor with tear? I only say this, because so meany people write poem with the word tear or tears in it, and it would just help to set your poem apart from all the rest. The last line kept me interested though.. I wanted to know what appeared.

Alone, on this bitter night
In this dormant forest
I'm burning my heart
On the flame of sorrows
`` Well.. forest and sorrows don't really rhyme, but truthfully I didn't even notice until I went back and looked at the stanza more closely. I also have a suggestion for the third line. How about changing it to something like this: My heart is ablaze. It's you choice though, I just think that my wording sounds a little more creepy.

The tongues of fire dance
The smoke silently settles
Like ashes of fallen stars
Like ashes of rose petals
`` Ahh, I know I'm making a lot of suggestions, but I'm not saying that your way isn't good. Okay? Don't get mad at me. >< I've already had one person get mad at me for making suggestions. Okay here's another one, in the second line instead of silently maybe try sofly or gently. I usually wouldn't like how you repeated "Like ashes of" in the last two lines, but I think it really works here. x]

There's no sound and no glow
Anymore... What is now left?
No tenderly-wild flames of love
But weak warmth of dead regrets
`` Looove the question in the second line! Oooh, and the word "tenderly-wild" in the third line. I always seem to love contradictions, and the one you used works amazingly in this poem. It really defines how love can be.

The smoke settles... But look...
what's here, on the land?
One petal, almost not demaged by the fire.
Carefully, i take it in my hand
`` Aww, I love the little glimmer of hope here. I don't think I've ever read a dark poem with a glimmer of hope in it. o.o Also, you need to capitalize the i in the last line. Just a little mistake though, I'm sure it was just a typo or something. x]

The sunset lightens the sky
And turns away the night.
One last petal of me heart,
one last chance to survive.
`` Aww, yay! Happy ending. I think this ending was really surprising since at the very beginning you never would have thought it would end happily. It works, though. I like it. In the third line, you've got another typo, me should be my. It's okay though. I make tons of typos, just make sure you go back and re-read it carefully to try to find all of them.

I loved this poem. You did a great job on it. x]

Keep writing!
Cayce

P.S. Go back and check some of you punctuation, I think you're missing some. :]

Lost Dreams Don't Shatter; They Bleed Hope. (26)
by Blissful

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-11

Tripping on broken promises and unchanging lies
`` I really like how you added your own little twist to such a common statement. The word tripping set it apart from some other lines I've heard that were similar. Unfortunately, I can relate to this line really well right now, so it peaked my intrest.

Downside? Young girl required to carry a safety net
`` I -adore- this line. It's just so original. The little question at the beginning was a nice touch instead of saying "What's the downside?". Genius. XD I also liked the last part. It's very true in relationships.. you need to be careful or you'll get hurt. I know that's not a great outlook on love but it's a true one.

Damaged heart, an apparent understatement ...fading
`` I think this was a strong line. I liked how you said damaged heart instead on broken heart, again it adds a touch of uniqueness. The fading at the end created a wonderful atmosphere. I could picture a heart fading. ><

"Lost dreams don't shatter dear, they bleed hope"
`` I loooove this line! I also like how you made it like it was someone talking.. talking to the reader, maybe? I took it that way. It made the poem feel more personal to me. :]

Shattered dreams might remain but she's kept the pieces
`` Aww, this thought to be sad poem has a glimmer of hope, a shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. ^.^

Oozing...dripping...seeping...leaking...bleeding...hope.
Another day waits beyond the horizon, a new tomorrow.
`` Amazing ending! It really gives out a good message. One that maybe I should listen to.. >.> You give hope to everyone who has a broken heart, and that not usually the message I get when reading these types of poems.

Umm, the only thing I noticed that I might change is a lack of periods. I don't know if that was on purpose or not, but it didn't really make that much of a difference. The poem was wonderful anyway. x]

I can tell you put you heart and soul into this poem, it clearly shines through. I'm glad that you were able to get back up after you fell down, more people need to think this way! Including me. x]

Great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Are you happy ((if not, you're a great actor)) (3)
by StandStill

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-10

And I pray that you are as happy
as you pretend that you are.
Because, dear, you really matter,
...you're my shooting star.
`` This is so true with so many people these days. They pretend they're happy, but you don't know if they really are or not. They think pain makes them weak or they don't want people to worry about them, so they pretend, and sometimes they fake it so well it just becomes natural.

And I'll write you a hundred thousand poems
just so i can throw 'em to the wind.
I want you to forget all these pointless words
because they're still not good enough.
`` This is so sweet. You care about this person so much that no words can describe it. You write them poems, but they're never good enough.

Oh shooting star, shooting star, wish you well
flying hard, running far, it's not quite the same.
Oh shooting star, shooting star, yeah, I wish you well
even though I don't have a face for your name.
`` Oooh, I can just imagine this being sung. It's so beautiful. I think you used "shooting star" perfectly here. It really paints a picture.

So I wish you the safest of journeys
and that you pretend to makebelieve.
Oh, fall down out from the heavens,
so that we can see.
`` I looove that second line. At first it confused me, then I really thought about it, and it's amazing. I love how you come up with this kind of stuff it makes your good poems incredible. x]

Amazzzziiing, Gabby! ^.^

Keep writing!
Cayce

Outbreak (27)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-10

Well, my dear, let me just first say that you are great at writing free verse. I was truely captivated in the atmosphere you created. You're descriptions and words choice were brillant.

Surrender in silence
was painfully chosen
they were coming
for the second time
in one season
carrying nothing
but rage and fatality..
`` Hmm.. I love everything about this stanza except the word "coming". I think you could change it to a better word that paints a picture in the reader's mind. I know there are some much better verbs than coming. :]

Armed by bright eyes
full of desire
to distort any living features..
Provoked by terrifying desperate hunger
A hunger that would only be satiated
when an absolute collapse;
master the whole scene
`` Oooh. I've got a suggestion. Change bright eyes to: blazing eyes, glowing eyes, glistening eyes.. etc. I also don't like how you repeated the word hunger. I think it would sound better if you took "A hunger" out. :]

The ugly wings
were fueled by grudge and hatred
A grudge that stained the pure land
with the color of death
leaving the horizon for hatred
to spread it atoms upon..
`` Ugly. I haate that word. >< How about changing it to vile or atrocious? Ugly is just way to simple for me and I think this poem is way too beautiful for such simple words. I don't like how you used hatred twice in this stanza either. >< Umm.. I don't know if detest would sound right if you replaced one of them, but it's something to think about. Also in the last line, I -think- it is supposed to be it's. I could just be reading it wrong, though.

I know I suggested a lot of things to change, but I was being very picky, and I was only being picky because this was an amazing poem. I looked at every sing tiny detail to see how it could be made better. You don't even have to change anything and I still love it. x]

Wonderful job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Be Still ((And listen to the rain)) (1)
by StandStill

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-07

Oooh, Gabby. This poem actually made me feel like I was there. It was like I could almost hear the rain pouring down.

----------> The rain hums against a thin glass window,
A sweet solitary sort of sound.
Close your eyes and inhale deep,
Feel the water all around.
`` The imagry is just mind blowing in this stanza. I could see and hear the rain. I could even almost smell it. This was just wonderful.

----------> Run into the rain now, dear,
With temple drenched, now close your eyes.
All soaked in the purest way,
To be a poet is to live and die.
`` I like how you're engaging the reader in this stanza, it makes it even more real. That last line, I'm sure everyone on this site can relate to. It's one of those lines that gets stuck in your head and you can't get it out.

----------> Hush now the clacking computer keys,
That spoke poems all night long.
The rain hums sweet and soft, my dear,
A gentle lullaby song.
`` Oh man, this last stanza I know everyone can relate to too. I know I can. I like how you actually used typing the poems on the computer instead of writing them on paper. It's very true, even if people type them, they usually don't put that in their poem.

I loved this poem so much! Great job! x]

Keep writing!
Cayce

Breathing Requires Oxygen (9)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-07

----------> Actual Title (Too Long): "Breathing Requires Oxygen; Love is Just a Bonus That I Can't Seem to Live Without"
`` Awww, it sucks that you can't put the whole title, it's much more interesting when it's all put together! Hehe.

----------> It seems that my surroundings have been enthralled by you:
I find that everything I pass forms into another memory,
that decides that it's a necessity to smother me.
(but trust me, love, you're doing quite a fine job alone.)
`` In the third line there's two thats, and it bugs me. Maybe take out the second one so it sounds like this: that decides it's a necessity to smother me. I love the last line, how it's like you're talking to him. I assume it's a him, anyway. o.o It definitely gives you more of an insight into what this poem is actually about. Great opening stanza!

----------> These leaves flow clear of me, as I scream again for us;
the summer's warmth is slowly passing by too fast,
and I can't hold onto the avid skies that have flown away.
(I'm sorry, dear, but one lonely grip just isn't strong enough.)
`` I love the contradiction in the second line. I think maybe you're saying that when that moment is actually happening it seems like it's taking forever, but then when you look back it seems like it just flew by.

----------> Is it merely coincidence that these horrific dreams,
started at the day our charming hearts saw ruin?
`` Ahhh, love love -love- this ending. A question as the ending of a poem makes me think about the answer. Which makes me re-read the whole poem to try to -really- understand what you're trying to say.

This was a great poem! ..as always! XD Your word choice was brilliant. I definitely felt the emotion as I was reading this, and I love how you always make your poem flow so easily without having to rhyme.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Am I still me? (15)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-06

-----> Am I still me?
The so-called smart little bee
As they used to call me
Or into a robot
Me is turning to be
`` This was a pretty weak beginning. I think the word choice is a little simple, and it doesn't really catch my attention.

-----> Boredom paralyzed my days
Grief all over my ways
My cheerful spirit
Has gone with the wind
Welcome pessimism
It is becoming my best friend
`` I loved the use of the word "paralyzed". I think this stanza has a nice mixture is word choice, that doesn't bore or overwhelm the reader.

-----> Forcing myself by trying to forget
Painful tryst left me with regret
The emotional impaction
Was too much over me
welcome machinery
The little bee is no longer a bee
`` I like the continuation of the "bee" thing.

-----> My vision was blurred
Eyes receiving only black and white
My speech was slurred..
Without you;
I couldn't set the words right
When odourless roses were my input
nothing but smell of steel
was my output..
`` This was a nice stanza. I liked the phrase "odourless roses". It definitely kept my interested.

-----> Invalid soul, wrecked gears
Remnant your memories; made of me
Data filled with errors
Bitterness, emptiness, loneliness
No trace of a viable glee
A plea for dementia
A warm lee
Were the demanded therapy for me
`` I like how in the fourth line you listed all of those emotions. It really helps the reader know how you're feeling.

-----> Am I still Me?
A flying smart little bee
A source of curable honey
So alive,joyous and free
Or into a robot
Me is turning to be ..
`` I liked the reptition in this stanza, although like in the first stanza I thought it was too simple. I think the first and last stanzas are the most important. The first one has to draw the reader in and make them interested, and the last stanza needs to make an impact.

I think you need to check you punctuation. The flow was a little weird, but overall I liked it.

Good job. x]

Keep writing!
Cayce

What lies within the heart (5)
by Lizaveta

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-30

Wow, the way you wrote this poem totally caught me off gaurd. I loved how you made it where the life was actually talking to the reader. It really makes it seem more personal, which makes it where more people can relate.

----------> You, who look so successful
`` "look" should be "looks". :]

Okay, I've got to say all of the "You, who"'s were getting a bit annoying in the beginning of the poem. Maybe you could find a different way to say it? Just so it's not too repetative. Other than that I really liked what you were trying to say. Why has the one who was so high up [or so everyone thought] fallen?

----------> I really hope that I could help you,
But I have no idea how.
`` Hmmm, I don't like how you worded this part. I mean I get that this is a conversation, but it's also a poem, and I think it should be just a little more... poetic. Haha. Maybe just change some words up? Get more colorful words that just make the reader say "Wow". I hope I'm making sense. ><

----------> When everything that I'm used to is changing
Feels like I'm empty and I'm lost
And all the changes I am facing
Gather in me, feels my life is frost.
`` Oooh, this is exactly the way I'm feeling right now. Everything is changing and I guess I'm just not coping with it too well. I liked the way things were, I didn't want them to change, but I guess everything changes.. that's just life.

I loved the meaning behind this. It's a situation that everyone goes through at some time in their life, and usually it makes them before more independant like in your last stanza. "I'll find my way just by my own." By the way I think that line would sound better as "I'll find my way on my own".

Great job, sweetie! x]

Keep writing!
Cayce

Our Thriving Hearts Will Live For Us When We Forget to Breathe (11)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-30

Okay, let me first say that I hate love poems. The happy ones. The lost love poems are fine, but usually it's just the same stuff. Talking about his eyes and his love. It just bores me, but anyways since this was a peice written by you, I read it with an open mind.

and WOW.

It blew me away. I think this poem might have cured me from my hatred of happy love poems. Your words almost floated off the screen.

----------> Distant rhymes embrace my cries,
for oceans can only part us physically.
`` This part really describes the guy from England, because of the whole ocean thing. It makes it personal, but not too personal, because it could be used metaphorically for long distance. A lot of people have long distance relationships, and I'm sure they would be able to relate to this.

----------> (So hold hands with my voice for now)
`` I imagined someone singing this part with one of those high pitched angel voices. It really stuck out in my mind.

----------> "Leave crying to the heavens, love,
for your eyes are meant to whisper to my lips,
not shed the tears designed for lovers lost.
`` Okay, I've heard rain being compared to tears before, but I've never heard of the clouds crying for you. It was so original. I never thought of it that way.

Ahh. I don't even know if all that I said makes any sense. It made sense in my head, but it might not make sense to you. Lmao. I liked it thoughh. Great job! x]

Keep writing!
Cayce

Broken Pieces (2)
by ღ Diamoиd Eyes ღ

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-29

I haven't not been able to do the same as you <------- That line should be "I haven't been able to do the same as you" or "I have not been able to do the same as you", you can't have the words haven't and not. I think it was just a typo, though. Hehe. :]

But for all this pain you've left,
you've taught me things I'll never forget.
You have taught me,
so many things,
like how I can't trust
those pretty words I hear,
or that I can't let,
another boy come near.
You also taught me how to love,
but more importantly,
how to lose.

^^ Okay, I had to put this whole stanza up, because I can relate to it so much. Especially right now. I'm feeling a lot of these emotions. I could really connect with it, and that's a very good thing to have in a poem.

So, you expressed you emotions really well in this poem, but it was really simple compared to some of the other poems I read. I think you could maybe add some metaphores just to spice it up a bit and keep the reader interested. Also, remember the last line in a poem is the most important, because it's the last thing read. You want the reader the have that line stuck inside their head after they're finished and leave them stunned.

I hope you don't mind me leaving this long comment. Haha. I just like helping people out with ways they can improve. Anyways, it was a good poem, and I can definitely tell you worked hard on it.

Great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

P.S. Thanks for the comment on my prose. x]

Fractured Twilight Librettos (18)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-24

That was extremely captivating. It was like a story, but so much better. Your words just seemed to roll off my tongue [Yes, I had to read it out loud, because it was just too beautiful to read silently], so smoothe. The perfect choice of words.

Your ending was really strong. It summed up everything you were trying to say perfectly. From the very first sentence I was in like a trance. It was like those were actually my thoughts, and that really happened to me. I guess it helps that I'm feeling some of the same emotions right now.

This was a really great peice. One of my favorites on this site. You're so talented. ><

Amazing.

Keep writing!
Cayce

P.S. Sorry if my comment isn't that great. I haven't written one in a while. My brain hasn't been working well lately. Haha.

The Art of Breaking (2)
by StandStill

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-24

With broken wrists to mend. <------ I love this line, because you made it different. Instead of the same cliche "bleeding wrists" you changed it to broken. It's just a little thing, but it really set the tone of the poem for me.

She fell in love with the ocean
and all it's boiling black,
Dove deep, deep down to the bottom parts
with the plan to never turn back.
[This stanza. Just wow. It blows me away, because it's so creative, and exactly the way I feel sometimes.]


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For Jesus loves his littlest ones
and to her drowing...he said no.
[Amazing ending! Omg, I never expected that ending! That's my absolute favorite part of this poem.]

Great job, Gabby!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Silence My Lips With Yours (17)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-30

It's like stages in relationships. First it's him telling you that you're beautiful. Then, it's the I love you's. After that, it's I miss you. I actually really like the ending. It's like you don't want the one who gave you life the be taken away, because you'll die. At least I think that's what it means. Your vocabulary is outstanding in this, even if it was just thoughts that popped into your head. I wish I was able to do that.

> I inhale -- taking in the last of what remains to be our ardor,
["Our ardor" <--- I love this part. It's such a good way to describe the passion in your relationship.]

For the title, I really love it how it is. I suck at titles, so it's way better than one I could come up with. Sorry this comment isn't very helpful, but I really loved everything about this. It's so raw, if that makes sense. Great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Need (11)
by EssenceOfLace

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-07

Psssh, Lace this is great.

The beginning was definitely your strongest, though, like most of mine. I guess you always seem to start off strong and then... you fizzle out. o.o

Infectious cravings of a deep memory
prick the inside of my conscience.
Sweet reminders of a love now lost
enervate my knees,
causing a crash without end.
^^This whole stanza is my favorite. ^.^ I love the word "Infectious", it makes it sound like some kind of disease.. which I guess it could be if you think about it. Love can be a disease. HAHA. That made me smile. >.>

Oh, how the memory of you still sticks like taffy;
stuck, and tongue tied.
The hunger for your touch, your voice,
makes me sick.
^^This was an amazing simile. It's like his memory will never go away.. and it's a bit annoying. Brilliant.

A love like yours, lost or gained,
is my only necessity to survival.
^^Aww.. this was so sweet. You only need love to survive. ^.^ It makes my heart all warm and fuzzy inside. LMAO. Sorry, I'm in a weird mood. >.>

Anyways, sorry it's not much of a comment, my brian is officially fried from my poem, but it's very good! Way better than mine. Ha.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Cat's Eye (2)
by Indian Comma Bean

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-06

I can't really do a full critque right now, but this poem was amazingly written. You definitely were able to make it dark and a little creepy. Your vocabulary blew me away, and everything was worded just right. This part:

Playfully they whisper,
But will you not answer?
They start to yell;
Why can you not answer?

Fear.
^^Wow. I think it was the best part in the whole poem [and the whole poem was amazing.] You really left me stunned, and so I nominated it for the contest.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Love's What We Became (Song) (47)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-04

Lizzy, Lizzy
^^This is a really good opening line, because it catches the reader's attention and makes them curious as to what the rest of the poem is about. I also like how you used the person's name, because it makes the poem more personal.

Where have you gone, I really miss you.
Wish you were here with me.
Soft gentle smiles never left me,
Words can't describe this feeling.
^^Hmm.. In the first line, the "I really miss you" part, I think it just a bit plain. Maybe you could reword it somehow? Maybe something like, this is just an example "My heart aches for you", just to make it sound a little more poetic. It's just a suggestion, though, and ultimately your choice. I liked how your described her smiles as soft and genlte. It painted a wonderful picture in my mind.

Dreams I once dreamt of an angel,
Beautiful as one' can name.
Her soft tender voice whispered,
"Love's what we became."
^^Comparing someone you love to an angel is really quite common, but it's still beautiful everytime I hear it. It's nice that someone can think of you as something as beautiful and perfect as an angel. In the second line you have a ' after the word "one" haha, so it looks like one' you might want to fix that little typo. [Okay, I know I'm being really picky. >< Sorry.]

Here in the dark I sit and ponder,
Why do I still adore you?
Somehow I can't find an answer,
Yet it's you I still love true.
^^The first line to this reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe for some odd reason. Lmao. Just thought I'd tell you. I like how you question yourself in this stanza. I always seem to think questions in poems make them more interesting, because it makes me think, even if it is a simple question.

Elisabetta, you I dreamt,
An angel sent down to me.
Elisabetta, you I loved,
Always; forever.
^^I looove the word "dreamt" here. I never see people use it. I mean the use "dream" a lot, but never "dreamt". This is such a sweet stanza, and you can tell how much you care for Elisabetta [which is such an awesome name I might add]

Angel of love and beauty, hold me close;
Grant to me my true wish.
^^Oh my gosh. I can almost hear this as it's being sung. It's good that it has a rhythm even though we can't really hear the music that is suppose to go along with it. I'm sure so many people can relate to this.

Would you set me free?
^^Another question. :] It makes me wonder... would you be set free? Hmm...

This angel of love is dear to my heart,
I'm sure she would agree.
^^You know.. the more I read of this.. the more it reminds me of something. I'm not sure what, but I know it does.

I wish this dream was real.

My nose is cold,

My heart pumps fast,

For Elisabetta.

Waking up, tears flow free,

With dreams at end.
^^I like how you put spaces between each line. It makes me pause after everyone and take each line in, instead of just reading through it really fast. I'm sure this would make an amazing song.

*Inspired by the song, "Angel Of Music" from The Phantom of the Opera.*
^^I knew it reminded me of something! >< I love The Phantom of the Opera. It's like one of my favorite movies.

P.S. Sorry it took soooo long, my computer was being mean and kept freezing. ><

A Dancer's Longing (37)
by taylor christina

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-03

She twirls round and round
Dancing in the moonlight
Her soles light against the ground
Tickling the surface.

^^ The imagery is amazng in this stanza. I can just picture a girl dancing in circles seeming as light as a feather. Amazing opening line too, it peaks the reader's intrest and wants to make them keep reading.

Elegant and liquid smooth.
She glides across the land
So serene and tranquil
Unto her feet commands.

^^ Wow, Tay. You're words just seem to jump off of the.. well screen at me. Your words are so descriptive and just paint these amazing pictures into my mind.

Her feverish steps
Tap-tap upon the floor
No end shall they meet
Until her heart is tore.

^^ "feverish steps" this reminds me of those old movies like "Dirty Dancing". What an amazing way to describe something so simple as dancing.

A beautiful facade she creates
So calm and peaceful
But tormented by her fate
Of loneliness and despair

^^ I've always loved the word "facade" ever since I found out the meaing of it. I kept hearing it, but didn't know what it meant and it was driving me crazy, but once I finally understood, I just fell in love with it, so I'm very glad to see it in this poem.

Soothing arms shall not wrap around her
A lover's kiss she will never feel
Nor eyes to look into in times of need
The love of one, she cannot steal

^^ Aww.. so sad.. It's like she'll never fall in love, even though it's what she craves most. You portrayed her feelings and emotions so well here, and the descriptive words have not falterd once.

Over thinking her careful steps
Trembling in her dance
To the earth she crashes
Leaving her life to chance

^^ Oh so powerful stanza. You want her to find love so bad.. but you have to wait until the end to see if that's what she'll get.

The night�s spirits whisper
Through the pale light
Taunting her longing
For a man that could be her knight

^^ Ahh fix those little a square thingys. Haha those things are so annoying. I like how spooky this stanza it. It's like sending chills down my spine.

The unexpected stirs out of the shadows
He holds out his hand and speaks to her feet
Stepping into his embrace
Partners finally meet.

^^ Awwww!! Happy ending! It's so happy I just want to cry. I'm a weepy person, but I really do love it when happy endings work out [even though they rarely do]. This was seriously and amazing poem, Tay. I loved every bit of it and am glad you wrote it! ^.^ I hope it's helped your writer's block!

Keep writing!
Cayce

My Eternal Punishment from the Devil (13)
by BurriedFaceDown

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-03

Woooooooooooow. Omg. I loved this one more than the last one. [even though it was much longer] It was so sick and twisted. So utterly dark and demonic. You're really talented at story telling. I love all of the imagrey. I could picture everything perfectly in my mind. It was like a movie, except way better. Could you go and edit out off of the � though. Haha, they get a little annoying while you're reading it.

Especially with my own personally wh.ore

^^ "personally" should be "personal". Just a tiny mistake, easily fixed.

Again, I think this would be wonderful if you made it into a story, but the poem is really good, even though the rhymes were somewhat forced.

Amazing job, hun!

Keep writing!
Cayce

The Devil's Lover (18)
by BurriedFaceDown

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-03

Wow. This was very dark and twisted [I love these type of poems.] You portrayed the fear of the girl very well. The devil raped her, but that one moment where he has compassion in his eyes gives me hope that he can care. I think this poem would be even better as a free verse [or just a normal story] though, because the rhyming seemed forced. I can't wait to read the second one [if there is one?] because it sounds like the story isn't finished yet. I think that, because of this line "That is my story, so far,". "So far" just makes me hope there's more. This really sent chills down my spine. Great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Eclipse (9)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-01

Do not question my faith-

^^ I love how you started this poem. It really makes people curious about what you're going to say next. Especially since you put that line by itself. It's like ti has a special meaning.

into your silver, weeping moon,

^^ Hmm.. I don't like the word "silver", but I love the word "weeping" here. I don't like the word silver, because I know your vocabulary and I know [know] you could do better than that simple description. Haha. I guess my expectations are just a little higher for your poems than others. It's really not [bad], but I would have just liked to have seen another word.

that were translated into pure madness.

^^ I love how you put "pure" before "madness" it's almost like saying clean madness.. or like innocent madness. So it's contradicting a little. I love it when things contradict because it really makes people think.

Promises fade between bleeding stars,

^^ I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this line. I like how you brought stars into this since you already had the moon. It just connects the poem in a very subtle way.

the sky's burning, shiny scars

^^ Wooow. This line is just pure genius. The imagrey is really amazing in this line. I love it.

haunt phlegmatic tendencies

^^ Haha, there's the vocabulary I know and love. I just had to point that out for some reason. >.>

ancient remains
within this digital mechanism.

^^ I love these two lines together, because when I think of "digital" I think of new stuff, and the line about it has the word "ancient" so they go together really well in my mind. It's like new and old coming together.

Now, when the history merged
with the world's eclipse,
do not question my faith.

^^ Very effective ending. I liked the repetition on the last and first line. It reminds the reader what this whole poem is about.

Your poems never cease to amaze me.

Keep writing!
Cayce

A Mother's Longing (27)
by Sher

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-29

This is such a heart wrenching poem, but it's so sweet. I, myself, have bipolar, so I know how it is personally, but this poem really made me think about what my mom has gone through with me. Made me think if this is how she feels.

My life would be freely given
Merely for you to find happiness

^^ This clearly shows how strong the love for your son is, and how you want so bad to just make him happy. It's so amazing that there can be a love so strong that someone would give up their own life just for the happiness of someone else. Your son is very lucky to have such a wonderful mother.

I love how you used such a broad vocabulary even though it was an emotinal poem. Most people would just write down their feelings and forget about the words. You made such a sad piece elegant.

I hope everything works out good for you and your son, and I loved the poem.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Digital Ghost (30)
by Sher

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-28

First of all, the title really caught my attention so I just had to read it. I'm really not into love poems [sad or happy], because I feel like people just say the same thing over and over, but this one was so unique and personal. You thought outside the box and worded things in a way that basically hypnotizes the reader [or at least that's what happened to me].

Looked through some old photographs today
just to catch a glimpse of your loving face
memories have become a haunting past
all happiness has forever passed

^^ I loved the imagery here. I could see these old yellow photographs with someone happy and laughing in them. It gives off bittersweet emotions.. You want to smile and cry at the same time. I also liked how you repeated it for the last stanza.

This is one of the few love poems that I absolutely love. Amazing job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Dark Side of The Sun (2)
by Beautiful Chaos

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-28

Insanity comes creeping in,

^^ I think that line is amazing. It's like the insanity isn't very noticable at first, becasue it "creeps in", but eventually it's going to become overwhelming.

Crimson waves of deep regret,

^^ I don't really like the word "crimson" here. I think it's been used so much that it's lost its originality. Maybe you could.. I don't know change it to a different color, just to be unique, or you could just describe the red as something other than "crimson".

Drink the horror of this life,
Kill your mortal fears,
The past has left a string of ghosts,
Ringing in your ears.

^^ I love love loooove this stanza. "Drinking horror" just stands out to me for some reason. I love how you worded it. "Killing your fears" is someone I think a lot more people should do. Over coming something that scares you is a big accomplishment. "Ghosts ringing in your ears" hahaha, loved it. It's like the past is haunting you, I think. I could be completely wrong, but that's what I thought it meant. >.>

-I decided to comment on this since I chose the same title as you [for the contest], and because I owe you comments anyway. Hahaha. I'll get your other ones done too. :]

Keep writing!
Cayce

Beyond Theory (18)
by EssenceOfLace

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-28

Oooh! You did write a non-rhyming poem! Haha. Okay first of all.. Loved the title. It really made me wonder what this poem could be about..

Cryptic messages in flourescent lighting
speak soft distilled whispers of hope;
A shiny gem obscured.

^^ Wow Lace! Your vocabulary here is sooo good. It really brings on that "chilling" feeling. I love the word "Cryptic". I've just now discoverd that word, and am in love with it. "flourescent lighting" really gives me a visual to hold onto while reading that stanza.

Abstract gleaming from hearts
are pieces, not yet filled.
Delusional, though somehow sane.

^^ Ooooh contradicting line [Delusional, though somehow sane.]! It's been my favorite line so far, even though it has all been amazing. I don't even know why, but I think abstract and gleaming sound really good together.

Clocks stop as time goes on.
Fear burrowed in the soul
for pondering the unknown.

^^ Thinking about the "unknown" is something I think a lot of people do and fear. I definitely fear what I don't know. I hate surprises. Ha. But it's a very relatable stanza and your vocabulary has not faltered once.

Truth beyond words
linger in the almost quiet air.
Deceit is not too far on the trail.

^^ Okay, one thing here that I didn't like was the word "quiet". I think you've been so uniquely descriptive so far, and I don't think that word ruins it but it just throws me off a bit, but I loved that stanza anyway! "Truth beyond words" really sticks out to me and makes me want to think about the meaning more, even though there's probably no hidden meaning.

To sacrifice it all,
succumb to it all.
Emerge,
embrace,
believe,
or perish into a void of nothing.

^^ Religion is a pretty touchy subject for a lot of people, I'm personally a Christian, but I respect and accept other people's beliefs. I don't really believe that you will perish into the void of nothing if you don't believe, but I love it in this poem. There's such an underlying mystery.. It just "fits" with the poem, if you understand what I'm saying.

For your first non-rhyming poem, this was truely astonishing! Great job, Lace!

Keep writing!
Cayce

The Storm (collab) (26)
by EssenceOfLace

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-24

A tear in the fabric of reality
An illusion or the truth?

^^ It's worded so uniquley [is that a word? o.o]. I love the question in the second like it really gets the reader thinking, but leaves a little mystery.

The ashes of your awakening
Delusions of your youth.

^^ The first line is just wow. Ashes usually reminds me of death or dying or burning, so it's really weird to put it in the same line as "awakening", but I adore it. The second like has less of an impact, but is still captivating.

The dreams you once had
Have become warped and twisted.

^^ Hmm.. this one is a little less unique, but good nonetheless. All the dream have been.. messed up. They've been ruined. I love the word "warped" in this, you don't see that word very often.

Refrain from the thoughts you have
Tremble on what once existed.

^^ Okay.. are you saying to forget your past or fear it? o.o I'm just a little confused, but that's good, because you never want your reader to know exactly what's going on [or at least I think so]. Leaves a mystery.

Slip away from your morality
As your essence becomes frayed

^^ Oohhh.. loved this.. someone or something is dying, I think. For some reason when I hear the word "mortality" it makes me think of vampires.. I guess because "mortality" is the opposite of "immortality". Anyways, it was good.

Lose the battle against insanity
These skies are turning grey.

^^ I LOVE it when someone uses the word "insanity"! I'm all for the psychotic thing. The second line really paints a picture in my head.. I can see that dark grey sky... all those grey clouds floating above.

Fall back into the dust
As your vision becomes obscured

^^ Oooh.. I'm still painting pictures into my head.. I'm picturing this girl falling into the dust and it's flying up everywhere blurring her vision.

Scream into the face of lust
Stand where death once lured.

^^ Lust...? I so didn't stt that coming. Lust and death in the same stanza.. how odd. How brilliant. Amazingly done.

A taste for vengeance
The seed of your betrayal

^^ Revenge. Such a sweet sweet thing. She's getting revenge on someone who betrayed her..? That's what I'm guessing, although I'm probably dead wrong.

Losing grip as my head spins
Seeking truth but lies prevail.

^^ I don't know why but the first line read weird. I guess I keep wanting to say "Losing [my] grip as my head spins", but it's probably just me. Loved the second line. Lies always seem to triumph over the truth. No one wants to hear or tell the truth anymore. It's all lies.

Fading into the darkness
What once was can never be

^^ I don't like the word "darkness" here. It seems a little plain compared to the rest of the wording. >< You're talking about the past again and how it can never be... I'm not sure what happened in the past, but it must be bad..

You're living off my weakness
Captivity will never set me free.

^^ I have never heard that before.. living off weakness.. I thought you live off of strenghth. o.o Ha, I still love it. The second line works really well here..

I am not meant to be here
When will you let me go?

^^ Another question.. let you go from where..? Hmm... I wonder...

My face is tainted by tears
Feelings will never be shown.

^^ Those lines contradict themselves. You're crying, but saying you'll never show your feelings.. I've always loved contradicting lines though. So I liked it. Hehe.

Slap on that smile
Again, another day

^^ So many can relate to this. Hiding behind a smile is what a lot of people do. It's so much easier than showing the real you.

I'm living in denial
Because there's no sun after the rain.

^^ Great ending. It explains a little, but not too much. It's just right!

I loved this whole poem. You and NightmareChild make an awesome team! Yall should write more Collabs together! Haha, I'd definitely read them.

Great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

The Spring Time of Her Voodoo (13)
by DarkSpirit

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-24

Once I had a secret,
had a secret and impaled
ring on unwilling silence,
obligating myself to eternity
with static mystery of mine...

^^ Hmm.. I can see this isn't going to rhyme. Haha, I've been reading rhyming poems so it just through me off a bit, but it's okay. I love your wording here. And the "secret" part. Secrets in poems are amazing. It makes it more interesting, because the reader is wanting to know the secret so they keep reading. Hehe. Very creative.

Once I, like a scorpion,
wrapped around her provocative elbow.
Twice. Three times.
Eight times I disguised
my laced wounds with coal,
nine times.
No, eight times,
eight or zero?
Or it was eight hundred times?

^^ Wow. That stanza was definitely better than the first one with the imagrey! I loved how you compared yourself to a scorpion! The last line though, I think you need to reword it like "Or was it eight hundred times?".

Once, I told a lie,
twice,
when I said
that I erstwhile spoke the truth;
were that
under the summer birches
when this from shadows and glue
forged friend
got that secret,
and left birch,
and cause of its fragrance
all leafs,
nature,
and his nose
which dismissed, unsatisfied with escape.

^^ I didn't like this stanza as much as the first two.. I think it's a little plain and doesn't really sound that "poetic" if you get what I'm saying. It just sounds like you're telling a story.

I tried to stay
just a shoulder in a haze
which danced around her weak eyes,
your eyes,
did I accosted to herself?
Once,
twice.
I accosted to her each time,
and when I hated stars
and when I kissed stars;

^^ Yay, this one was better. I'm loving how you say "once" and "twice" in here. I don't know why, but it helps make an impact. I also liked the word "haze" it gives off that confused feeling.

I tried to stay just a shoulder,
never lips,
nor eyes,
I tried to banish anguish from your pupils,
but never to be the one for who you will anguish,
I tried to stay only a friend,
never a lover,
but once, I had a secret...

^^ Amazing ending.. it reveals the secret. You wanted to be the lover, but you were always just a shoulder to lean/cry on. Always the friend. I know this feeling, I'm sure a lot of people do. Wow. Your ending just blows me away for some reason.. I mean it's pretty simple, but it just "wow's" me.

Great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Painting The Depths Of Your Soul (3)
by LARISSA is my name but call me jade

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-23

I absolutely love how you put the colors in between each stanza and how you tell what each is the you deticate your whole stanza to the color and it's meaning. I'm getting this really vivid picture of this rainbow colored heart. Haha. It'd be really awesome it is was rainbow colored..

When your born, all whole and pure,

^^ I don't know why.. but I don't like the "all" there. I think it'd sound better if you took it out. :]

You learn all about yourself, and who you really are.

^^ There same thing here.. don't like the all. ><

You learn your souls true colors.

^^ "souls" should be "soul's" because it's possessive. I'm a grammar freak. Sorry. ><

Splash some red onto your heart.

^^ I [really] love the words "Splash" here. It made me picture someone with a big gallon of paint actually splashing it on a heart. Very descriptive.

Orange, is friendship.

Throw in some Orange, but not too much.
Orange is rare, as true friends seem to be.
Don't misjudge orange and put too much, in time it may fade away.
Friends brighten our lives and keep our souls content.

^^ This one is so true. Real/true friends are very hard to find. When you do find them you need to hold on and never let go. Ha. I've learned that the hard way. I've had some really great friends slip away from me.

You can't ever have enough happiness.

^^ It sounds a little weird to me. o.o Maybe reword it like this: "You can never have enough happiness". It's your desicion though, if you like it how it is, then don't change it. :]

Yellow, is happiness,

Toss in tons of yellow,
You can't ever have enough happiness.
Yellow will brighten even the darkest of days.
Happiness carries your soul through all pain.
It gives your strength to be yourself, it brings you to smile.

^^ In the last line the "your" should be "you". I need some more yellow in my heart. It's there, but there's not near enough.

Blue, is sadness.

Use it sparingly, not too much, not too little.

We all have some blue in our hearts, some more then others.
After time the blue will fade and heal, but we never forgetthat its there.
Sometimes blue tricks us into believing its out only color, don't listen.

^^ I don't know why the first line is separated from the rest of the stanza. A mistake maybe? "forgetthat" <---- needs a space in between them. :] Anyways, I've listened to blue way to much, but I'm trying to replace some of the blue with yellow. It's hard, but not impossible.

Some let it posess their heart, until it seeps all over their canvas.

^^ I love love looove the use of the word "canvas". Ooooh and the word "seeps" very very good descriptions.

The whole green stanza: I hate this emotion, jealousy is a very bad thing to have. I learned that very quick and try to smash it everytime it pops it little head up. Jealousy makes you hate, it makes you mad, it even starts to control you. It's definitely something everyone should try to stay away from.

Violet, is relaxation.
Put in heaps of violet, you need this color always.
It keeps your mind clear and your nerves calm.
It can carry you through the most stressful of days.
Sometimes we forget how important violet truely is,
Never forget relaxation is medicine for your soul.

^^ The "Violet, is relaxation." needs to be separated like all the other colors were. :]] I loooove violet/relaxation. I have my little calm circle thing that I use. I light some insense and candles and put on some music then turn off the lights and just think, and try to relax. It's my Cayce time. Haha. :]

Black, is anger.

Try your best to leave black out of your heart and off your masterpiece.
It's rage can suck you in, making your colors disappear.
It has the ability to overpower you, very easily.
It knows how to make you think you have no red, or orange, or even yellow.
It takes over your heart and soul.
Don't let that happen.

^^ I know this color very very well, almost better than blue. I sometimes even turn blue into black, because I don't want anyone to see the blue. [Wow, haha I'm talking in color talk. o.o] It really does overpower you though, if you let it get too far.

Remember each day your thoughts are a paintbrush,
painting the depths of your soul.

^^ Wow amazing ending. Like.. I would write that down and look at it everyday just to remind myself of all the colors and which one I want in my heart and which ones I don't.. It really sticks inside my head.

This was such a unique and inspiring poem. I loved every little bit of it! Amazing job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Bitter Lust Blows (10)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-23

Overprotected
oh,
I tasted
hellfire-
[too inspiring
to be real].

^^ That was just... wow. I loved the structure of it. I don't know it just makes it even more appealing. The words though.. I mean that was just amazing. I don't know what exactly it means, but it's definitely something that will stick in my head and make me think about it. I'll be racking my brain to figure out what it means.

Meet my sadistic delectation
as it melts down the lips
sealed with mutilated screams-
I trimmed my landscape longings.

^^ Scary. o.o That really really makes me think you're psycho. LMAO. jk jk. Anyways, it was worded so brillantly, the first part makes me want to taste it [whatever it is.. o.o] even though I don't know what it is, your words make it sound so good. I also like how I don't know what it is, because it lets me interpret this how I want to. :]

On the other, lyrical side
the lawns are watered with sympathy,
ornamented with warm jewels-
This garden's burned down.

^^ The second line makes me thing the lawns are being watered by your tears.. I guess it was because of the "sympathy" thing. Anyways, the last line was so vivid. I literally pictured a burned garded. Amazing.

Embed dazzling cadence into moon's crystals
-- oh, now and then, I had surreal contacts-
Conspiracies beat with striking preoccupations.

^^ You're stanzas never seems to lack in descripting words. I loved how you mentioned the moon. I don't know why, but the moon always gives me a hint of mystery and beauty. It was perfect for this poem.

Overprotected
oh,
I tasted
hellfire-
[too sweet
to be objective].

^^ I liked how you repeated this, but altered it just a little. I think I actually liked it better the second time I read it. This is definitely my favorite stanza in the poem. It's words, structure are just so compelling. I still can get the words out of my mind.

Another amazing poem from you!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Baptized in a Pool of Blood (4)
by DarkSpirit

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-23

I've got so many comments to give so I hope you don't mind if it's not as detailed as you'd like. >< I'll try my best though, promise.

His spine is an arrow
and past cohere against the neck,
like a prick of injection-
pull the chain;
this metal is just another drop of ink
in narration of pain and screams
which is tattooed on his skin.

^^ It's so utterly unique. Your word choice is outstanding. It's like you say things in a way where there's still so much mystery and it leaves the reader wondering what's going on, but they're so captivated by how beautiful your words sound.

butterflies are, still, somehow bloodthirsty

^^ This line was great. You put "butterflies" with "bloodthirsy". It's like innocence with sadistic. It also reminds me of these flesh eatng butterflies in this book I'm reading. Amazing.

A dot on preposterous fairytale
imposed theory of immobile saints.

^^ Amazing ending. I loved the "fairytale" part it's like you're, again, putting innocence in this dark twisted poem. I love that about it.

Overall this just hypnotized me. I still have no clue what it's about, but I loved it anyway. So mysterious.

Well done!

Keep writing!
Cayce

My Heart Stops A Beat (3)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-23

I'm not one for love poems, because I feel like people just repeat the same things over and over, and it gets a little repetative.

I did ,however, like your descriptions. Words like "radiant" and "tender" really put vivid pictures in my mind.

I was kind of confused about the rhyme scheme. Some parts rhymed and others didn't, it threw me off just a little, but not that much, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. It had a great flow, I think that was what made me overlook the rhymes.

Overall, I thought it was a really sweet poem. You're a romantic aren't you? Just an observation. hehe.

Good job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Goodbye Uncle George (12)
by BurriedFaceDown

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-20

This was such a sad and heartbreaking poem. Even though it didn't happen to you personally you can feel the emotion in every word. It either affected you so much that you felt a great deal of saddess from this or you just wanted to do something nice for your friend or both. You can feel how much your friend loved and looked up to her uncle. It's hard when loved ones die. I've been fortunate not to have this happen to me ..yet, but it will soon. Everyone has to die. It sucks, but we have to learn to deal with it. :\ I'm really sorry this happened, and I hope your friend is okay. I'll keep her in my prayers.

Goodbye Uncle George, I love you too, I'll miss thee,
I know now that you feel free,
But don't forget me,
Goodbye Uncle George, I love you too, I'll miss thee

^^ That was a great closing stanza.. Saying goodbye. It almost brought me to tears.

Keep writing and stay strong!
Cayce

Fallen From Grace* (5)
by Beautifully Disfigured

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-18

I'm about to pick your poem apart. Hope you don't mind. >< Sorry if it's too harsh.

She walks the streets
Lonely and cold
Bitter hatred she feels
Brought down hard on the stone

^^ Cold and stone don't exactly rhyme, but it's not horrible. Also, I think you used some rather dull descriptions here [Except bitter. I liked that one.] but maybe you could find some better words than lonely and cold?

Time moves way to slow
Feels like being beaten by a whip
She has nothing to show
Nothing more than black eyes and split lips

^^ The "to" in the first line should be "too". I like the second line, but I'm not sure how it relates to the poem.. In that last line you're descriptions aren't that vivid again.. black and and split lips just seem so plain.

Her dignity is gone
The confidence she once held
She feels like she has fallen
From the greatest things she felt

^^ Good flow and rhymes here, but still it doesn't stick out in my mind from all the other poems I've read.

A husband who loved her
The way he made her feel
But every day he hit her
And struck her with a heel

^^ Here the last line definitely felt forced. You're trying, but not quite getting the sad emotion across. Her husband hit her. How about maybe instead of saying it.. describe it, or maybe instead of "hit" you could say "struck"? Just a suggestion, though. If you feel that it's fine the way it is, don't change it.

But she has gone and left
She walks these streets alone
She has nowhere to rest
She's too afraid to go home

^^ You started the last three lines with "She". Once you've established that you're talking about the woman there's no need to keep repeating it. So maybe try leaving some of the "she's" out.

She has nothing more
No more table clothes made of lace
Or even clothes to pick up off the floor
She realizes her mistake, she has fallen from grace

^^ This is the end and the end is the last thing the reader takes with them from your poem. You want to make it stick inside their head. Make it extrodinary.

I hope this help somewhat. >< It was a decent poem, so well done.

Keep writing!
Cayce

In Mommy's Arms (For Laci and Conner Peterson) Repost (7)
by Normal is the Watchword

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-17

Oh my gosh! I remember this poem! Well at least the title. I read it on your old account a looong time ago [back when my poems sucked], and I just now figured out that it was you. >< I use to read your poems all the time, and was kind of disappointed when you stopped writing. Haha.

Anyways...

Forsaken spirit clothed in night,

^^ The images that pop into my mind when I read this are just so vivid. I get different images too. Amazing opening line.

Blades glitter with morning dew,

^^ I like how you say "Blades" here instead of grass. It definitely makes it more interesting and descriptive.

The repetition of "Sleep now child in mommy's arms" just brings on warmth and saddness. Contradicting emotions. You've got to love 'em.

As usual your vocabulary just amazes me. You makes all these emotions come out inside me and it seems like it was so very easy for you to write this. It didn't seemed forced or thought out. I flowed naturally and smoothly.

Well done.

Keep writing!
Cayce

A Sinner's Perfect Plea (6)
by dollwithafrown

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-17

The ground was solid beneath his feet,
Yet he just wished he could fall beneath
The surface, and drown in devilish waters.

^^ Okay, the last two lines read weird, because I pause after every line. The last two lines should be on sentence and it just feels weird to pause in the middle.

Burn in a hazy mist with no way out,
His own lungs losing air every second,
And in an instant, he felt like his victim.

^^ Oooh, I love this stanza. It give a hint of mystery, because of the victim thing. So maybe he strangled someone?

He could feel his own hands on her neck,
Gasping for air, both their heartbeats
Intertwined, life being pushed from her body.

^^ I was right. He did strangle someone. Maybe his lover?

In that stand he stood, no longer a raging
Bull that felt nothing but hatred and anger.
Now he was a lost boy, who knew how sorry felt.

^^ Aww.. he's regretting killing her.

He trembled and they knew it, saw it on his face,
But nothing can be disguised when you're truly caught -
And he was; nobody knew it more than he himself.

^^ He got caught, but he knew he was going to get caught. I think. ><

But air was lost in a second, his legs just gave way.
Lying on that cold wooden floor, his mistakes flashed
Before him, as pain invaded his mind. And he cried.

^^ I can picture this so vividly. The heartbroken man/boy lying on the floor and he can't stop crying.

He grabbed onto the paramedics shirt,
Stared into the vary core of his eyes, pleading, begging:
"Just tell them I'm sorry, I only ask them to know that."

^^ He's dying? o.o "vary" should be "very".

With one last breathe, his head graced the floor.
It was uncanny, truly absurd, but the jury could not lie,
Just like they couldn't hide that tears they shared that day.

^^ Aww.. such a sad ending. I loved your vocablulary it really enhanced the emotions you brought into this piece.

Wonderful job.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Haunting Whispers (3)
by Lonely Romeo

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-16

That was creepy. It seriously sen chills through my body. I love how you did the whole clock thing. I could just picture this guy staring at a glowing digital clock with wide eyes. I also like how this whole poem took place in three minutes. It seemed like much longer.

The neon light glows
as bright as hell,

^^ I love that simile. I never thought of hell as "glowing", but now that I think about it.. with all that fire.. I guess it does glow. Brilliant.

Great poem!

Keep writing!
Cayce

The neverending story (4)
by Mark

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-15

First of all I love the title, because it reminds me of a movie I use to love. :]

Wow. Your vocabulary was really good. It was intellegent, but it wasn't overdone where you have to look up what a word means every five seconds.

Through our eyes we see
and with our ears we hear
but the mind plays tricks
and will end with a tear

^^ That was a great opening stanza. It definitely captures the readers attention and draws them in.

everyday the same
the morbid illusion of a world so sad
but is that really what is meant to be?
something so real it drives you mad?

^^ Powerful stanza. It definitely makes me think, because of the last two lines. The very last line keeps repeating in my mind..

cause imagination will forever stay
and we can only pray
for our Garden Of Eden to be felt
and for an eternity in our hearts to be held

^^ I loved the first line, but I think this stanza's flow was a [little] rocky, but easily fixed. I think the second line needs a few more syllables. Other than that it was great.

An illusion of a perfect world
and my mind makes me feel
though I'm fast asleep
that this world is for real

^^ I think the first line is the strongest here. It connects with me somehow. A lot of things you've said so far in this poem have connected with me. My dark sad side.

but when night turns into day
and my eyes fall asleep
I will be cold and alone
and surrender to the deep

^^ I love how you say "When night turns to day" instead of "When day turns to night". "surrender to the deep" <---- That was a great ending! It's definitely something that will stick out in the readers mind.

The was a very powerful piece, I seriously loved it. The only other suggestion I'd give you is the add punctuation. It really helps the flow of a poem.

Amazing.

[Nominating this for the contest.]

Keep writing!
Cayce

Fallen From Grace (3)
by Beautiful Chaos

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-14

Crack pipes dreams
Heroin screams
A bottle your only friend

^^ Wow. That was an intense beginning, but it was perfect. I love how you start this off like a horror story. [After I read the whole thing through.] This was definitely my favorite stanza in the whole poem. I don't know it just sent chills down my spine when I read it.

A bed in the street
Soul incomplete
Forgotten
We can't comprehend

^^ I'm not sure why there's a bed in the street.. o.o Maybe she's homeless and so she has to sleep on the street and she's homeless because she spent all of her money on drugs. I liked how you put "Forgotten" in a line by itself, very effective.

Great idea for a poem. I know some people who are addicted to drugs so I can sort of relate I guess. Maybe not personally, but you get what I mean. >.< I hope.

Anyways, another wonderfully written poem.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Buried.. (18)
by xxSnow Angelxx

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-03

I don't think you should keep repeating the words "I am". Once you've established that you're talking about yourself there's really no need to repeat it.

I am the face easy washed off,
And mine are the words he just can't seem to memorize.
I am the girl whose calls are never heard
And mine are the letters which he always forgot to find.

^^ The "and mine"'s sound really awkward. I would reword them to try to make them sound more natural if I were you, but it's your choice.

I am the daughter he wishes to forget

^^ This line really hits home for me. >.< My father feels exactly the same way. It's like he wishes I was never born. :\

I am the wind he wishes to feel,
But runs away fearing storm.

^^ Loooved those lines.

I am the most valuable picture he once painted
But found a place in the attic with time.

^^ Great metaphor!

I am the girl he claimed to once love
But forgot to realize what loving is
I am his daughter, not worth being thought of
And the daughter whom he wish he never had..

^^ That was a great ending.. It tied everything together nicely, but it was so sad. :\ I hope you and your father work everything out. I know what it's like to have a father who doesn't care about you.

I would have really loved it if you had put more punctuation in this, because right now the reader has to guess where to pause. I also think you could have used better descriptive words, right now they're pretty plain. Overall I liked this poem, it just could be made a little better.

Great job.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Lonely and Perfect (33)
by Darien

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-01

Lonely are wolves without a pack
That only rely on strength and pride.
Lonely are children without homes,
They sit in darkness and hide.

^^ Wow. I love wolves so I'm glad you put wolves in this first stanza. It's so sad though, because really without their pack they are lonely. The second half of this stanza. It was heartbreaking. I just got this overwhelming picture of hundreds of homeless children trying to keep warm at night.

Lonely are the men that use women,
For cheap demeaning sex.
Lonely are the women with no morals,
That sell themselves as objects.

^^ This stanza just makes me mad. I hate guys who use women like that, and what I hate even more is that the women [let] them. :\

Lonely, don't ask me about lonely.

^^ I really like how this line is out all by itself. It gives the impression that you, yourself are more lonely than any of the people/animals that you just mentioned. I mean even the line is lonely.. it's all by itself. [I'm probably overthinking that, but oh well. >.>]

Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming,
Then suddenly, I realize how alone I am.
I can't explain why things went wrong,
Fate seems to have another plan for me.

^^ Ahh, where'd your rhyme scheme go? o.o It just disapeared. Oh well, really I don't think it makes that much difference, because your words over power the rhymes.

I've burned down way too many bridges,
Erased paths that I should have followed.
All I wanted was to be her one and only,
The one she would love with all her heart.

^^ I didn't even know this was talking about a girl until this stanza. I mean wow, that's a hard thing to do. Most people, when they write lost love poems, say it up front where you know what they're talking about. I like how you didn't do that.

And I wish, I wish I were perfect... for her

^^ Great last line. So many people can relate to that. They want to be perfect for the ones they love, but really.. it's the flaws that make us beautiful, so I wouldn't want to be perfect.

Amazing job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Burned Out Glow [Cat and Mouse] (5)
by Normal is the Watchword

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-01

You've been writing a lot of lyrics lately. :]

Pre-Chorus:
Oooh let this go let the world know
Oooh let this go let the world know [Fades out]

^^ Interesting..

Damage rusted fences, I'll simply overlook

^^ Wow, this reminds me of one of my older poems. >.> I loved how you described the fences so well, so vivid. I can really picture them in my mind.

Let your fingers scrape the metal, I will wait
Behind the trees in a world built of fantasy

^^ This is making me think, especially the second line. Are you talking about our world is built of fantasy, or a whole different fantasy world?

Tiptoeing on eggshells and medicated bottles
Playing cat and mouse once more, once more

^^ Love these lines. People use the first part a lot [Tiptoeing on eggshells] but I always love it. I literally always picture someone walking on eggshells. >.> The medicated bottles part was so original. It made me smile. "Playing cat and mouse once more". Well this part reminds me of that cartoon "Tom and Jerry". Yeah, I know that was random, but it really does.

Chorus:
Oooh let this go, let the world know
'Tis a burned out flame in silent glow
Oooh let this go, let the world know
'Tis my hands holding out for you [Fades out]

^^ Wow. I loveee the chorus. It's about a lost relationship isn't it? I get the feeling that it is because of the last line. Or maybe you're trying to save someone? Hmm..

Paper heart tied onto broken wings

^^ >.< This was just a little too cliche. "Paper heart" was a cliche and so was "broken wings", but wha makes it original is the two little words in between them, so it's cliche.. yet not. Genius. You truely are talented.

Torn beneath the ring on silver string
Behind the wall built for the two of us
Landed face down struggled to get up
Playing cat and mouse once more, once more

^^ The third line is making me think that the relationship is "struggling to get up". Maybe you both are trying to fix it? Mend things? But it's hard. I like the repetition of the last line. It's not overwhelming, but very effective.

Eyes that stare beyond the bruised arms

^^ An abusive relationship..? Hmm.. it's just keeps getting more interesting trying to figure out the meaning.

Oooh I'm holding onto the you I know
Oooh I'm wanting you to let let this go

^^ Are you trying to save someone from an abusive relationship? Or maybe you're the one in the abusive relationship.

'Tis my hands letting go, go from you

^^ o.o So.. you got yourself out of the relationship. You're letting him go.

Wow, all of my thoughts were jumbled. I hope they're not too confusing. I was just writing down what I thought as I was reading.

Yet another amazing write from you. :]

Keep writing!
Cayce

I feel your pain (38)
by Lance

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-01

As I stare into thine eyes

^^ Okay, "thine" I don't like it in there. It seems like you're trying too hard. Just let your words flow naturally.

I see your pain, I hear your cries

^^ Hmm.. instead of just coming right out and saying "pain" and "cries" why don't you describe them? Or word it differently. It's just too plain.

I take you close and hold you tight

^^ I don't want to say anything bad about this line, because it's so sweet. :\ It [could] be improved, but I like it like this too.

show you not to loose the fight

^^ I think "show" is the wrong word to use here. Maybe "Help you not to lose the fight"?

you let out tears upon my neck

^^ Again, it's the wording :\ How about "I feel your tears coat my neck"?

you hate yourself, your life a wreck

^^ "hate". I don't like that word. Maybe try a different word like "loathe"? Also, "life" should be "life's".

when I'm there, i feel your love

^^ Capitalize the "i".

I set you free, you are my dove

^^ Ahh, I hate it when people rhyme "love" and "dove" it's just so overused. It gets a little boring.

i hold you here inside my soul

^^ Capitalize the "i".

we are lovers and we make a whole

^^ Okay, I did like this line. It was a great ending. It tied up everything nicely.

You could definitely feel the emotions, but I would have liked it to be a little longer.

Sorry if that wa a little harsh. :\

Keep writing!
Cayce

He Was Quick To Smile (59)
by billy rob

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-30

Jimmy's mind was slower than most, but he was quick to smile.

^^ So, I take it that Jimmy was maybe mentally retarded? That's what I was thinking when I read the first part of this sentence, but the last part made me smile. It's so great that someone who has to go through life with a condition like that is able to smile so freely.

Jimmy was just a gentle giant, but his anger came out that day,
he tore his ropes, grabbed the man, and started to swing away.
He killed the one that tore her dress, then I heard a shot ring loud,
the other one shot Jimmy dead, then ran out through the crowd.

^^ That part was just... wow. I mean your imagrey was so good. I could picture everything happening perfectly in my head. It was so say, though. This is where I got tears in my eyes and they didn't go away until I was finished with the poem. You somehow put so much emotion into this. Is it true or fiction? If it's true well... I'm sorry it happened. :[

I hope she can move on with life with help from God above,

^^ I'm a christian, so this part made me smile, even with the tears in my eyes. It's amazing that you can make someone feel two emotions at one time. It's so sweet, yet so sad. Bittersweet. :\

I used to tease him about Susie, a girl that worked in the store,
but when I saw how much he cared, I teased the man no more.

^^ Great ending. I liked the repetition. It [really] adds to the poem, and kind of echos in my mind. I keep re-reading it.

You are such a talented writer! :]

Amazing poem!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Survive (6)
by Men

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-29

Now and again I have try
To not be alone
And not have to cry

^^ I think it was a weak-ish beginning, but it wasn't horrible. Just remember the beginning of the poem is what draws the read in and holds their attention.

I cannot go back to that place
I rather just die alone
A place where I am but a disgrace
No! I will forget about the life I've known

^^ Go into more detail. What place are you talking about? But don't come right out and say it, just give really big hints. Then the reader and interpret the poem how they wan to.

And these memories fading

^^ This is a really big cliche. I think if you worded it differently it would be more appealing. Try something different. Take a chance. Maybe try "And these memories are evaporating/disinegrating/dissolving".

Yet this need of breaking skin
The feeling of pain inside

^^ I liked the first line, but the second line.. the word "pain" just kills it for me. The word "pain" is so over used. Try something new. :]

Is to strong for me to fight

^^ The first "to" should be "too".

Lying in this bed waiting to die

^^ >.< Don't tell exactly what's happening. Describe it. Describe what you're feeling, what your laying on, where you are.

Forgotten memories flashes by

^^ The only part I don't like about this line is the word "Forgotten". Maybe change it to "lost"?

And as the Reaper comes to my side
I realize that there is no need to survive

^^ I reeeaaally like the first line. I think in the second like though, you were trying to rhyme too hard. This is also the ending, so I think it needs to be stronger. It's the last thing that the reader will take away from your poem, you've got to make it memorable. Something that sticks out in their mind.

I hope this comment helps, and I wasn't too harsh. >.<

Good job.

Keep writing!
Cayce

The Decoys' Muse [Lyrics] (8)
by Normal is the Watchword

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-29

Loved the title. :]

There is a loud beat of music in between the word State, and the word is said in a loud hushed tone if that makes sense.

^^ Haha, I like how you put the little note so we reader's can imagine how it's suppose to sound. I think that the loud beat and the hushed voice for those words would sound amazing.

Stop this! Night has finally fallen

^^ I like the exclamation mark here. It really gives the feel of... energy? Yeah, it's like really intense. I can just imagine someone yelling "Stop this!" really loud and demanding.

Bending our voices across the dust

^^ Wow, this line just really makes me think, because you don't say exactly what it means, I love how you do that.

Hold on! The water's getting stronger
Catching our thoughts in their current

^^ Oooh, that was just lovely. Those two lines were my favorite it in that verse. It's like our thoughts are being swept away. o.o Amazing metaphore.

[State...State...State...State]

^^ I'm not sure why these words are here... I don't get them meaning of them. Maybe I will later.

Time rewinds. The picture begins to slow
Like a movie screen forcing over me

^^ I've actually been seeing this metaphore/simile a lot lately, but I still like how you wrote it. It's different, yet the same. "Time rewinds" <--- Like a flashback? I love that part.

Hands tied down. Words then bind my soul.
Like a roughhousing beating down on me

^^ You're being forced to watch your flashb acks, and they're almost like torturing you? I love it when I can figure things out. >.> This is probably all completely wrong, but it's good because you let the reader interpret the meaning how they want to.

[Barren like our world, nothing good grows]

^^ Ahh, omg. This is a wonderful simile.

Forget love, love has blinded sided me
Forget touch, touch has left me haunted
Won't take this blame. I'm not your excuse
Love is just a decoy, you've been its' muse

^^ I don't even want to break this part up, because it flows so well together. You can feel the anger and hurt in this. I can relate to it. I think it'd make a really good chorus. [Grr, I really wish i could hear it. >.>]

I'm fallen! The water's catching underneath

^^ I think you meant "I've fallen" or "I'm falling". I'm not sure which one.

Revealing rage tucked within their suddenness

^^ I don't know why, but I've always loved the word "rage" so it made me smile to see it. It's also used really well in this line, very descriptive.

[State...State...State...State]

^^ Still not sure what those mean... o.o

Well, another great write. You're very talented with writing lyrics. I've tried it before and it's not easy.

Keep writing!
Cayce

The Scale Is One To Impress; [ 80 ] Is The Newest Trend. (12)
by Ghetto Typoes

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-28

First of all... You have definitely not lost your mojo!

[ Sticks and stones may break her bones , but words can very well starve her to death. ]

^^ This line was just an amazing start to the poem, it really drawn the reader in.

The scale is the one to please and her newest best friend is the toothbrush that she shoves so far down her throat that she gags and gives back every carb that she's consumed.

^^ Wow, that really hits home. I've been through this, not [so] into it, but enough that this line almost make me want to cry. It's so true. "Her new best friend", it's like she's given up all of her friends for that toothbrush, and now it's her [new] best friend.

But , you think it's quite alright because she's going by your standards , and you're just borderline perfect.

^^ I just fell in love with the last part of that line. "Borderline perfect" it just made me think so hard. I love it when poems make me think.

And sweetheart, if your definition of perfection rests on anything more than the skin and bones that you're advertising so very nicely, then <nobody> will be able to fit.

^^ If beauty keeps getting any thinner nobody will fit. I agree so very much, no one is going to be able to fit. There's so much pressure to be thin these days, it's insane.

The mirror isn't easy to please now a day, and the cigarette smoke can only cover up so much [ as you walk out onto that stage. ]

^^ I know this feeling. I know it so well, the mirror is my greatest fear. It reveals all of my imperfections. "as you walk out onto that stage" <------ I don't think that's really talking about a real stage, I think it's talking about the stage where you have to perform for your family and friends. You have to pretend everything is fine.

Because girls aren't < born > to hate their bodies, so we teach them. And you're teaching them well. Broadcasting the newest fashion and , sweetheart - that just so happens to be < fake > ; and everyone ' s in style.

^^ I love that whole stanza. It's a bit sarcastic, but it doesn't take away from the raw truth. We are teaching little girls to hate their bodies.

And don't forget to text your [ BFF ] Rose, that you're 90 pounds and shrinking, because surely - she's proud that you can fit into those size 00 jeans.

^^ Ahhh. I can so picture this girl texting her BFF. I mean this is sooo... wow. I mean it's so wrong yet..... I'm not exactly sure..

The scale is one to impress, as the media flashes [ 80 ] is the new trend .

And you know what that means.
Everyone's gotta be in style.

^^ It was just a [bit] weak for an ending, but it wasn't horrible, and it doesn't take away from the poem at all.

This was sooo good. I'm like so excited that I get to read your poems again. :] YAY!

Amazing job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Thousand Burned Down Yesterdays (11)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-27

I've tasted poison of bitter, liquid lust,
let it consume strangling senses-
drunk avidly from it's fervent well,
walked the plank of imagined ship.

^^ Whoa. Great first stanza, especially the first line. I just fell in love with it. I like the last one also, ahh they were all good.

Reaching out to touch morphing silence,
I've burned down whispering thoughts,
hoped, then died, than hoped again
before the construction's walls crumbled.

^^ Wow, another great stanza. Reaching out to touch silence, that's just amazingly written. I would have never thought to write it like that. Same thing for, burning thoughts. Great metaphores. I like the third line, because even after you die [not literally i'm assuming] you still hope again. It's like you can't be crushed.

Winter dreams absorb former emotions
embodying circular hesitation
within hues of melting innerness;
sanity mirror sapphire longings.

^^Eh, I didn't like this one as much as the others, but it was still good. It seems like you just tried to hard or something. I did like the first line though, but the others I think you could improve them a little. I don't know why, but I don't like the word "innerness". It just kind of disrupts the poem.

Icebound heartbeats lacerate sensations,
slaying weaved, servile simplicity.
I've tasted deceitful feelings, allowed them
to entwine with tangled memories.

^^ Great ending stanza, it was strong and memorable, and pulls this whole poem together.

You had amazing words and imagrey, as always. You always let the reader interpret the meaning of your poems, and never come right out and say it. I think that's a great thing to do in a poem.

Wonderful job!

Keep writng!
Cayce

I Hate How Much You Played Me (21)
by Zeenat

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-27

Yet waiting for you is like a rainbow becoming black.

^^ I really liked that simile.

You have a hold on me that no one can understands,

^^ It's either suppose to be "You have a hold on me that no one understands" or "You have a hold on me that no one can understand"

The glow in my heart as we walk together in hands.

^^ I get what you're trying to say it just didn't come out right try "The glow in my heart as we walk together hand in hand" or "The glow in my heart as we walk together holding hands"

The hatred in your eyes as you seen me walk by,

^^ "seen" should be "see" or maybe "saw", it depends on if it past or present tense.

Just left me forcing a smile filled with honest lies.

^^ Oooh, loved this one. "honest lies" what a great oxymoron.

You've changed my soft music to a hard metal song.

^^ Amazing metaphore. :]

I was your playful game;For I was just another torn girl.

^^ Great ending, it really wrapped up the whole poem nicely.

I think you could have put some more puncutation, and there were quite a bit of "me's", "I's", and "you's". Try to not use them as much once you've stated it once there's really no need to state it again, we know who you're talking about. I liked the poem. :] Hope I wasn't too harsh. >.<

Keep writing!
Cayce

Taking Turns [Breaking Hearts] (11)
by Beautiful Forever

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-26

First of all, I really liked the title. :]

It hurts, when I'm broken on the floor,
But this has happened many times before,
You leave, always walking out that door,
Breaking me, I just can't take this anymore

^^ Whoo, this whole thing rhymes. Haha, I think it helps the flow and makes it really easy to read. I feel like I've read this so many time before, though. I personally don't like love poems, so this may be a little harsh. I always feel like they just say the same thing over and over and over. I want some unique-ness. Haha. :]

I could scream and you wouldn't move,
As if there's a point you're trying to prove,
But I know you're burying it deep,
As far as it takes for it not to seep,

^^ What I did like about this stanza was the first line. I could relate to it a lot, it's like you just scream your lungs out, but no one hears you.

I watch as a spectator at a game,
Whooping and hollering, cheering your name,
You think you're way up above us all,
But what goes up, will eventually fall,

^^ I'm not exactly sure what this stanza is about. >.> BUT, the last line reminds me of a line in a Linkin Park song, so I like it. Hehe.

I know from the way you built me up so high,
Then tore out my foundation, letting me die,
You didn't stay long enough, I'm still alive,
And I had time to let my thoughts contrive,

^^ I liked the second line, because it was unique, but the third line felt like you were trying to hard to rhyme.

Now you're set up, ready to descend,
Staring nervously, looking for a friend,
But they've been with me from the start,
All taking turns, to break your heart,

^^ Loved the last line. It really stuck out in my mind.

Now you can feel my bleeding soul,
Burning you, using your heart as charcoal,
While whispering the words to make you cry,
"I used to love you, but this is goodbye."

^^ Oh noo, the first line is so cliche. I don't like "bleeding soul". So many people use it. Try something else. Um, bruised soul.. weakened soul.. mangled soul.. just something besides bleeding. I liked the second line, it was pretty original. I didn't like the last line though. It doesn't stick out in people head, and it's the ending. You want the ending to be strong, because it's the last thing the reader takes from your poem.

So overall, it was a pretty decent love poem. I didn't totally hate it, and that's saying a lot since I'm sort of prejudiced against love poems. Haha. Good job. :]

Keep writing!
Cayce

The Spirit of Fall (7)
by Beautiful Forever

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-26

A leaf falls from a tree,
Slowly, as time passes by,
Something no one will see,
It never catches their eye,

^^ This stanza rhymes and flows so very well. I love how you wrote about a leaf falling from a tree. You're right, no one would probably ever notice it.

But I watch this leaf slowly fall,
Yes, I take time to absorb the scene,
Because I think I'm a know-it-all,
And that I can figure out what it means,

^^ This one has a little bit of a flow problem, and the rhymes seemed a little forced.

I am alone, just like the leaf,
I have no friends, no one to hold,
This is the source of my relief,
Standing by myself, in the cold,

^^ Aww, this makes me sad, but I love how you compare yourself to a leaf. I've never read about comparing yourself to a leaf before. Now, that I think about it, I can relate a little to this leaf too.

My body goes numb, as the leaf hits the ground,
I do not resist, feeling it can only be right,
A snowflake falls on my nose, without a sound,
It will be winter, this time tomorrow night.

^^ Wow. This is definitely my favorite stanza. I loved every single line, and the ending was strong. Great imagrey through the whole poem.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Rage (5)
by Natalie

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-24

First of all, I really loved how you wrote this like you were talking to the reader. It really draws them in and make them feel like they're apart of the story being told.

Have you ever met rage?
If not, please step into my soul,
I shall introduce you to her personally,
For it is there where she resides.
She lies curled uninvitingly

^^ That was such a strong beginning. It's my most favorite part in the whole poem. :]

She hides her face with her long, straight, black hair,

^^ This line kind of kills it. I think you could fix it really easily though. What I would suggest is using better descriptive words like maybe, sin colored hair? Twilight colored hair? Try being unique.

With only her lips and pale, dead, white skin visible.

^^ Same thing with this line, better descriptions. I did, however, like the word dead, but maybe white could be pastey? Just keep in mind that these are all just suggestions. It's your poem and if you don't like the suggestions, don't change the poem.

I once saw her eyes, black and burning, charcoaling.

^^ Loved the word "charcoaling". :]

To revenge my murdered childhood through the tearing of flesh.

^^ This really gives the reader a glimpse of what exactly is going on. I find it's more pleasureable to read poems that describe everything that happens, but doesn't come right out and say it. [Again, this is just my opinion. Other people could like the bluntness.]

She bites off her skin and vomits her hate in me.

^^ I LOVED this line. I don't even know why. I just do. :]

Blindness overcomes me and I no longer know me.

^^ It would sound [much] better if you'd take out one of the "me's".

I am the serial killer, the rapist,
And I resolve my rage only with the world that gave it to me.

^^ That was a really great ending. It pulls the whole poem together.

So, you did really good with the beginning and ending, and those are the most important parts in a poem. The middle could use a little work, but it's not [horrible]. I'm glad you suggested this poem to me. I really did enjoy reading it, and I hope my suggestions help and I wasn't too harsh. >.<

Great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

I Climb, I Slip, I Fall Reaching For Your Hands (7)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-23

You can read my secrets between the lines,
through the letters infected with frigidity-
simple distortions complicate blurred days,
counting reasons for bleeding scattered goodbyes.

^^ My favorite line in this stanza was the first one, because it was so simple, yet left a huge impact. Sometimes, the most simple words can say the most. Just keep that in mind. :]

Staring at the white-winged, radiant doorway
I face chimerical rejection; fingers entwine with darkness-
these masks of sorrow forever I'll keep.
Starry saviors cannot justify those latent dreams.

^^ The second line. Wow. It seriously sent shivers through my body. It's like you want the darkness to take you over.

Absorbing vibrations of some broken inspiration
wounds the spirit with javelins of flames-
this crisis extends its silver tentacles
moistening thoughts with violet, toxic rain.

^^ Your descriptions are brilliant. I mean violent, toxic rain? That was just purely amazing.

You can daze me with intricate fallacies
cause I let my soul to be seduced,
swallowing forlorn promises once again
within this world framed with oblivion.

^^ This reminds me of when someone believes all of the lies someone else has told them. They knew they were lies, but they chose to believe them anyway.


So we know your imagry and vocabulary are great, but I think you could have put so much more emotion in this. I get pretty words, but no heart. Maybe I'm wrong. I could be. I usualy am, but that's just my opinion.

Hope this helps somewhat. :]

Keep writing!
Cayce

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic (17)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-23

Okay first off, before I even read the poem, the title was very good. It draws the reader in, makes them curious. Well done with that. :]

Ashy glances behind laced veils
reveal inner thunders that crawl
wearing cloaks weaved with storms-
elegant body language whispers secrets.

^^ Once again your imagrey is superb. The third line was my favorite. I got this picture in my mind of an actual cloak made of storms. Weird, huh?

Music ignites motions, surreal-
moving across the moonlit floors
spinning within hues of outburst,
swirling with such passion and grace.

^^ It's like you're just stating thoughts or something. I think you're trying to tell a story, but it's not going to well. Maybe you're trying too hard not to put "I's" or "she's" in your poem. I agree that your shouldn't put a lot, but a few are fine.

Drumbeats repaint soul
with karmic, maroon and red ink
writing the night away, laughing,
as flowing attention heals wounds.

^^ I think it would soud so much better and make a lot more sense if you wrote the first sentence like this "Drumbeats repaint [the] soul" I think the rest of this stanza was really great though. It was descriptive, yet simple.

Fingertips glide down the body
hypnotizing traces of reasoning,
complimenting ardent silhouette
which sways amongst the stars.

^^ Eh, you're getting back into that complicated speach again. It really is beautiful to read, just a bit hard and maybe a bit fake. [if that makes sense]

Every little thing she does is magic,
dazzled by diamond fantasies,
with silver glistening within pupils-
elegant body language whispers secrets.

^^ This was my favorite stanza. It brought the whole poem together perfectly.

Good job.

Keep writing!
Cayce

My body and my mind (14)
by Gizmo

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-21

This reminds me of a woman beaten by her husband/boyfriend, but still loves him. Her mind wants to leave him so bad, and she knows she needs to leave, but she can't because she's in love, and maybe, just maybe she thinks things will get better. [which probably won't happen]. You really portrayed the image very well. It's quite easy to understand what this is about. Straight-forward.

"My eyes will not let me see you through the tears,
and my feet run a mile when your near,"

^^ "your" should be "you're".

I think you should capitalize your I's, and the beginning of the sentences. It would just look neater, and be more appealing to the reader.

Other than that, I really liked the poem, and the topic. Well done!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Not Good Enough For Truth Or Cliche (7)
by Tammie

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-21

First of all, I've got to say that I really love the title. It catches the readers eye, and then the go to read the actual poem, and the first line just draws them in to where they can't escape! It's like a trap! [Sorry, I'm just a little hyper. >.>] Anyways, I just loved how you worded everything. It was almost sarcastic. I'm no exactly sure how to explain it.. but I just love your style of writing in this poem. It's kind of conversational, I guess. Ugh, I hate it when I can't find the words to say about something.

But then again, I always new the end was at the very beginning.

^^ I don't know why I love this line so very much. I think it's because it's a little contradicting, but it makes sense all at the same time. "new" needs to be "knew".

Now I'm left with empty songs and a dirty cupboard;
Just to say I'm safe and you're gone.

^^ Ooooh! I loved that ending so very much. I usually have quite a hard time with endings, but this one just tied everything together.

You did a really great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Falling Away (9)
by Beautiful Forever

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-21

I've watched the world falling away,
The fluorescent colors fading to gray,
Ambient melodies losing their way,
And the eradication of another day,

^^ I really loved how you rhymed all the lines in this stanza, it seemed to make it flow really well. It seems like in this stanza the whole world is just falling apart. I kind of get a mental picture from one of those movies like "The day after tomarrow" or "I am Legend" One where like the world is in shambles.

My father said something wrong,
My mother was never very strong,
My sister was slowly losing her mind,
And I was locked in my room, confined,

^^ Now this one brings me away from that thought. Now, I'm thinking about this house where the whole family either fights or ignores each other. They can't get along.

Distant voices vibrated my door,
I just couldn't handle it anymore,
I wished they would just disappear,
Although the wish was never sincere,

^^ You're locked in your room, scared, or annoyed. Your parents are fighting and you can hear them. You wish they'd just go away, but you really don't want that to happen, because you love them?

Then, miraculously, I've ended up alone,
In the empty oblivion I've always known,
Listening to the echoes of destruction,
Tempting my insanity with their seduction,

^^ Oooh. Something bad is happening here, but I don't know what yet. I really loved your word choice in this stanza, I think it's the best stanza so far, because it's so vivid, and it's a little mysterious.

Three gunshots broke my concentration,
Then my heart suffered a penetration,
As I watched their faces fade to gray,
Causing my whole world to fall away...

^^ Okay, now this was sad.. I think you could have put a little more emotion into it, because I'm not feeling as sad as I should be. I'm not sure who shot who either.. I really want to know for some read too. Grr, tell me? I want to knoooow.

This was a really great poem, well written, and I LOVED the topic.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Music Box (10)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-20

This was a very different style of writing. I'm not sure if I like how you wrote the words. I tend to pause at the end of eack line, so I was a little thrown off, but I went back and read it without pausing at the end of everyline and I LOVED it. Your imagrey was truely amazing.

"Hush.."

^^ That really made an impact. I could almost hear someone whispering it inside my head. It sent chills all the way through my body.

What I got from this poem is that it was a musician trying to find his way in the world. He wants to be discovered, so, he sets out toward the "castles".

I finally look
as I should
covered in red and yellow
tunes.

^^ Maybe, he's finally realized who he is and who he really wants to be. He's covered in red and yellow tunes. I'm really not sure what that is mean to be. I'm sure it's some kind of metaphore, I'm just not intellegent enough to get it. Haha.

Maybe I misinterpreted[sp? don't feel like looking up the right spelling. >.> Don't kill me] the whole thing, because the more I read it the more I think the whole poem is a metaphore. I really like how this poem has made me think.

Great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Remember The Enigma within Chimera's Eyes (15)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-20

Whooo, man I had to look up some of this words in the dictionary. You have a very good vocabulary. [Some people will get turned off by this, because they won't know what the poem means, but if you don't care neither do I. :] I was just saying what I thought SOME reader's would think. I'm not one of them.] I think the repetition of the first and last stanza really added to the poem, and got the point across.

This reminded me of like a fairytale gone wrong. It's so dark and mythical. I love reading about supernatural things. So, I really enjoyed reading this poem. Your imagry was outstanding [as usual]. You really have a talent for that. The flow was really good, even though there were no rhymes to help it along.

Steel tears spilled before the devil's gates
tinge the oxygen to flatter the extravagance,
tarnishing purified iron pedestals with zephyr,
dusty, glassy wind of fallen guardians.

^^ This was definitely my favorite stanza, and since you repeated it I got to read it twice! :] Actually, I read it more than twice, because I like to re-read poems just to make sure I get them.

Another amazing poem!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Radiate my Forlorn Soul (21)
by Blissful

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-19

Where does my innocent soul belong in this twisted world?
Can somebody just please guide me in the right direction?
I'm lost beyond vast horizons searching for fading hope,
Will your love rupture through the gates around my heart?

^^ That was an amazing stanza. I love it when people put questions in poems. It really makes people think. This stanza reminds me of a sweet naive girl who is just searching for someone to help her get through life, or to help her get through this world. She doesn't want to be alone, she wants to be loved.

Whose affectionate arms will keep me safe ridding all barriers?
Whose compassionate shoulder am I to cry these endless tears?
Confusion has consumed my soul; I've misplaced all faith,
Will your piercing eyes reveal to me all is going to be bearable?

^^ More questions! Yay. :] Anyways, now I'm getting the feeling she's talking to someone, maybe, or she has a certain person she wanting to protect her and keep her safe. You can just tell she so destroyed and is needing someone to come and make it all better. A lot of people can relate to this. Everyone needs someone's shoulder to cry on at some time in their life.

Grab my trembling hands and gently lead me to safety, my dear.
For I cannot carry on without you; my heart is screaming, silence it.
Ease the burden of reality and answer all the wishes in my dreams,
For I think you are the sole person that can radiate my forlorn soul.

^^Yep, now I'm definitely sure it's about one person in particular. Hehe. You're wanting him to come to you so bad; save you. Will he? We shall never know..

This was a really sad, yet beatiful poem. There was so much hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, this guys will come and save you from all your worst fears. I think it was flawless. Well, if I had one this bad to say about it, it would be: It was too shortttt. I didn't want it to end. I wanted to know if he actually saved her. Happy or sad ending, ya know? Anyways, this was a great poem, hun!

:]

Keep writing!
Cayce

In-Between [The World Beneath Us] (20)
by Normal is the Watchword

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-19

You always seem to choose the perfect words for whatever you're writing, and thi piece was no exception. Pretty much every word I read sent chills down my spine. I love how you're able to make the reader feel like they're actually a part of what happens.

Even though I couldn't hear it sung, I got some kind of rhythm from it. Usually, lyrics don't have a rhythm unless you hear them sung. So props for being able to do that! It made it much more enjoyable for the reader.

To be truthful, I'm really not exactly sure what it's about. Maybe, about lovers? I'm re-reading it, and I'm getting that [maybe] it's about lovers falling apart, but they don't want to fall apart. Maybe, they're being forced apart? It's would be really awsome if you could tell me what it's about, because it will bug me all day. >.>

Hands are shaking. I'mtoo cold.

^^ Just a little typo. "I'm" and "too" need a space. :]

Great job, because even though I don't know what it's about, It still sent chills through me, and I still enjoyed reading it. That's a hard thing to do.

Keep writing!
Cayce

A Fairy Tale World (20)
by LARISSA is my name but call me jade

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-19

You had an interesting rhyme scheme, and I think I kind of like it. The only thing wrong is that "armor" and "forests" don't rhyme. I liked the rest of the rhymes though.

I'm really not sure why it's in the dark section..? I thought like something really dark and scary was going to pop out somewhere in the poem, but it never happened. It's just talking about fairytales and how you wish to be in one. Don't get me wrong .though, I like the poem. I'm just confused. >.> Maybe, you could explain it to me? :]

Where reality is nothing what it seems.
Although it's very real to me, if only in my dreams.

^^ I really like those lines a lot. I feel like the apply to me somehow. I always feel like I'm in dreamland. It's sometimes way better than staying in reality.

Loved it. :]

Keep writing!
Cayce

Dear Mom, In Heaven (25)
by LARISSA is my name but call me jade

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-18

Aww, this was such a touching letter written to your mom. I believe she can read it too. I'm sure she's looking down from heaven smiling at your words, and thinking your shouldn't feel sorry for not being able to remember her. You were only two, it's not your fault. I'm almost crying thinking about it. I have no idea how it feels, because I've never lost anyone close to me, but your poem gives me the idea of what it's like, and it's not pretty. I really liked how you didn't use a rhyme scheme, because it just let your words flow so naturally, and there was so much emotion put into every word.

I'm sorry I couldn't say thank you, for all that you had done.
I thought about you at my first chorus solo,
I imagined you in the front row, smiling at me.
I thought of you at my high school graduation, how proud you would have been.
^^ I loved how deatailed you made that stanza. How you wrote that you could see her watching you as your sang in the chours. I could even almost picture it.

To bad heaven doesn't have a phone number,
^^ "To" needs to be "Too". Just a little mistake. :]

Amazing job, hun!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Enough is Enough (6)
by Luanne

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-18

Wow, this was pretty much amazing. I just shocked me how you could protray such emotion with so little words. It really does seem like there aren't many words, but it tells a big story. Flashbacks. Hate them. I gathered that you were have a flash back from an eating disorder, maybe? The reason I said that is because of the second stanza. Where it says:

No more food for you
Enough ...
Pulling back elastic upon wrist
Snap!
^^ It's like your body wants more food, but you won't let it have anymore, so you snap the rubber band around your wrist like a punishment or a reminder for not eating.

I really liked how it didn't rhyme. I use to be really big into rhyming. I still rhyme, but I've gotten to where I enjoy reading non-rhyming poems, because usually there is more emotion and it's more... dramatic, I guess. Wonderful job!

[I'm adding this to my favorites.]

Keep writing!
Cayce

I wish i had known, maybe i could have hepled. (2)
by Ally

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-18

This was a very touching poem. It's so sad, because this happens to a lot of people. So many people feel as if they aren't loved, and think that if they died no one would care, but there are people who care. It was really horrible that her parents didn't care, though. Her parents should have loved her, but the thing is [you] did, but she took her life, anyway. I think you could have used some more descriptive words and correct your grammar. It would have added to the sorrow and pain in this poem.

I knew this girl once upon a time,
You'd never know what was wrong if you first met her.
you'd think she was the happy being.

^^ I think the last line would sound better as "You'd think she was [this] happy being."

But there was ths part of her that
even i didn't know.
And i was her best friend!

^^ In the first line "ths" should be "this", and you also need to capitalize the I's.

She'd lie to me,
and tell me stories that weren't true.
maybe those are the reasons i liked her.
or more like who.
i liked the person she pretended to be.

^^ I think you need to either take out the first or second line. They're basically saying the same thing. You don't really need two lines saying the same thing, do you? Actually, as I'm reading through I see a lot of line where you just repeat yourself. Try to take them out, because the reader will get bored of reading the same thing over and over again.

If she didn't do what they asked
they would beat her.
But i never knew.
And i've allways wished i did.
Maybe if i new i could have helped her some how.
but now it's too late.

^^ "allways" needs to be "always" and "new" needs to be "knew".

She'd allways wear jeans, and long sleeved shirts,
and if a bruise showed, she'd say that she got hit playing with her neighbors.
And i can't believe i didn't see the truth.

^^ Again, "allways" needs to be "always".

She just wanted to be loved.
Is that so much a thirteen year old can ask for?

^^ I think in the last line it would sound better as "Is that too much for a thirteen year old to ask for?".

She cut herself,
and allways wished she would just die,
just to get away from this world,
in wich she believed nobody loved her.
But she was wrong,
because i loved her.


^^ Again, "allways" needs to be "always". I guess you have trouble with that word or something. Haha, well I just taught you how to spell it. :] Also, I think you're putting too many "always" in the poem, try to use some new words.

I remeber her funeral.
It was very lovly.
I arranged mostly everything.
Can you believe that her parents didn't even care when she died?

^^ "lovly" should be "lovely".

Sorry about all the corrections, it doesn't mean that I didn't like the poem. I'm just trying to help you improve it. :]

Great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

When Words Kill (8)
by Beautiful Chaos

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-18

I really enjoyed your rhyme scheme. It was different. I've been wanting to try something different like this, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.

You beat me down
To the ground
But did not raise a fist
^^ This stanza, I think, really goes well with the title. They used their words to beat the person down instead of their fist.

Wishing
It had been your hand
That offered me demise

^^ This is the only stanza I think threw off the flow. I think it's because there's only one word in the first line. Other than that, the flow was flawless.

The hurtful sting
The sour drink
I took from those sweet lips

^^ I really loved the word choice you used in this one. It just sent shivers down my spine.

You put a lot of emotion into such short lines, so little words. You are very talented for being about to do that. I haven't really read that many poems with short lines AND a lot of emotion. So, I give you big props for that! :]

Great poem!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Tangled Silence (12)
by Blissful

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-10

Wow, you have such a way with words. Every line was just filled with descriptive words. You could feel the dread and saddness that the girl was feeling in the poem. It was almost like you were actually that girl. Your floe was very good, but for some weird reason I was expecting the very last line to rhyme. Weird, right? I mean it's not even a rhyming poem. I guess I'm just a little spaced out right now.

Miscellaneous emotions leading lost soul down the wrong path
^^This I THINK should be "Miscellaneous emotions leading lost souls down the wrong path" or "Miscellaneous emotions leading a lost sould down the wrong path". I'm not sure though, so if you meant for it to be the other way, ignore this. >.>

Why does delightful happiness lead to hurt down this long road?
Why doesn't hurt lead to happiness so she can smile once more?
^^I really loved those lines. I feel like that everyday. If hurt lead to happiness, I would be the happiest person in the world. Haha. >.> Seriously though, those were some amazing lines, they're still repeating in my mind.

I liked how you used long lines instead of short ones. Long lines always have so much more details than short ones, and I think details in poems are important for the emotion and imagry (which were definitely evident in your poem).

Great job! You're a very talented writer.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Winter (9)
by Nelle

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-10

Wow, your descriptions were so vivid. The imagry was just truely amazing. I could picture a farm (i don't know why a farm. maybe it was the windmill?) with snow on the ground and the sun rising, and then as i read further I could picture all the snow melting (along with a snowman :]) I think your flow was just a little bit off in some places though, but nothing really major. The rhymes were pretty good. Amazing piece, darling! :]

Keep writing!
Cayce

Playing Pretend *or* Unspoken (4)
by JustKristina

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-10

Aww, sweetie, this was a good poem! I mean the flow was a little rocky in some placed, but I really liked the over all poem.

Another relationship down the drain,
And yet again I am broken
I need to talk to you about this
But the words in my heart remain unspoken
^^There should be a comma between again and I, in the second line, and another comma after this in the third stanza. I feel destroyed and ready to give up when I read this stanza. It feels like your just so stick of being heart-broken, and you can't take it anymore.

I was blinded by love
I thought that everything was great
But now, I opened up my eyes
And, you, I am beginning to hate
^^Ooooh. I like this one. It's like at first your were so inlove, and then you look beyond that love, and you realize you hate him. Haha. Loves it.

I am not a possession
That you can put up for show
I am not a "something" for your friends to see
I am finally letting you know
^^Oooh, another good stanza full of hate. I love how you're all like "You can't own me!" Hehe. The only thing I see wrong with this one is the very last line. It seemed a bit forced, but not too bad.

I will not go on with life unhappy
Because that seems like what I always do
I just want to you to now
That I can go on with my life, without you
^^ She gets strong and independent in this stanza! ^.^ That's awsome. There should be a comma between life and unhappy in the first line. I think in the third line, you meant it to be "I just want you to know". Hehe. In the last stanza I think it might flow better as "My life can go on without you". Don't know though, you might like it the other way.

Is there someone out there
That can point me to the right trail
I don't know how much more I can take
My heart has been broken and it's so frail
^^Aww, she's looking/searching for help. In the last line there should be a comma between broken and "and". Haha, two ands. >.> That was confusing.

Maybe the broken hearts are caused by me
Maybe I just don't have what it takes
Everything always seems to be going too good
And then its like a car, slamming on its breaks
^^Aww, this part just makes me want to cry. She's blaming herself. I can relate to this stanza the most so for. :[ There should be a comma after both Maybes, and there should be one after then in the last line. Also, "its" in the last line should be "it's".

Everything changes for the worse
The happiness is put on a halt
I don't know what I am doing wrong
I feel like this is all my fault
^^Awww, she's still blaming herself. It's just so sad when people blame themselves over break-ups, or getting hurt by a boy/girl. I've learned that it's really not worth it.

Can't someone love this broken heart?
I know there has to be a great guy out there
Someone to take me in
Someone to love me and really care
^^I think in the first like you should change "someone" to "anyone", but that's just me. I think in this one, she's hopeful again. Hoping that there's some great sweet gentle guy out there, that's just waiting to love her. She's not broken anymore. :]

I need just one guy to prove me wrong
And want to give me a love that is true
I want someone like this,
But I know these true loves are very few
^^This stanza is sooo true. I mean most guys just want to get in you pants, or show you off. Or just go out with you to prove something to someone. I hate guys like that. I would be really great if a guy came along that actually loved you for you and nothing else.

I want a relationship that will last
A love that will never end
I want to be in love and happy
When can I be done playing pretend?
^^Aww! I loved the last line. A lot of people play pretend everyday.

Great job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Waking Alone Tomorrow Has Got To Be Better Than This (22)
by Britt

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-09

Wow. This was just amazing. I could relate to parts of this poem, as I'm sure most people can. The imagry was really fantastic. I could see like a movie everything that happened. Especially, the first part "It's amazing how easily your side of the bed is able to get cold". I was picturing a dark room with one side of the bed empty so strongly. You really have a way with words that just seems to bring tears to my eyes.

I really liked how this was a non-rhyming poem. It added to the emotion somehow. It made it seem more dreary and sad.

Or how the tears in my eyes shone like the diamonds around my neck
^^I really liked that simile. Comparing tears to diamonds. Everyone knows that tears cost so much more than diamonds. Maybe I'm reading too much into that simile, but that's what I got. >.>

And like a fairytale read back wards, this is just how your story goes
^^"back wards" should be "backwards". :]

Anyways, great job! I really loved it!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Kiss [ Her ] In The Morning . (1)
by I R Jordannn

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-09

I really like how you write like you're talking to someone. Again, The sarcasm just radiated for your words.

Let ' s attempt to mix business and pleasure .
Business in pleasure .
Pleasure in business .
^^I just loved how you wrote that stanza. You have to think a little when reading it or you get confused. Haha. Or at least I do. >.>

[ People ] never change , only the [ seasons ] .
^^I like how you used that little cliche.

Then Spring steps in and it ' s the season for break ups . The girls start to wear mini skirts and flaunting every little thing that you have been craving . Fall into sweet seduction and smile ever so brightly because you know I ' m on to you .
^^That reminds me of something, and for the life of my I can't think of what it is.

Great job, sweetie!

Keep writing!
Cayce

Glass And Fire Never Seemed To Agree. (8)
by beepbeep

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-06

Absolutely amazing poem. I loved the words. They were so very descriptive. I'm not exactly sure what it's about though. I was maybe thinking Anarexia when I read this stanza:

My clothes fall the floor,
my fingers trail across my skin,
my bones...
I know you think I'm perfect,
and I swear I'm trying.
^^While I'm on this stanza, I thought it was amazing. I was thinking anarexia, and that you were trying to get out of it clutches for someone you love. I don't know though. I could be completely wrong.

My head is on fire,
and my temples are throbbing.
I am burning up.
^^This stanza, man I could feel my head start to ignite with a burning headache. Amazing imagry.

I'm holding out this key.
Would you take it?
^^I looove questions in poems. I don't know why, but they just make you... think I guess. Haha. Would you take it? I assume you're talking to someone you care about, and it seems like you're offering your fragile self to him and hoping he doesn't break you.

You have a lot of talent.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Free (1)
by Krissie

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-06

I thought pretty much all of the rhymes seemed forced. I think you could have made this much better if you did free verse, then you could say exactly how you're feeling without having to worry about the rhymes. I thought you could have also used more imagry, descriptive words. Maybe some metaphores. Try to express how you're feeling. Think to yourself "How am I feeling, what do I hear, what do I see?" It'll help you paint a better picture for the reader.

I was trying to Be myself i was trying to be me, but all I wanted to do was to be free.
^^ Grammar mistakes. This is how it should be when corrected: "I was trying to be myself. I was trying to be me, but all I wanted to do was to be free." I've also got another suggestion on the last line I think it would sound so much better as "I was trying to be me, but all I wanted to do was set myself free".

It was hard and I was doing my best, but all I was doing was fighting for the rest.
^^I didn't really get this line. What exactly were you fighting for? Try to be more detailed. Grammar: "It was hard. I was doing my best, but all I was doing was fighting for the rest."

Everyone was saying I got try harder, but when I tried it felt like the day was getting longer.
^^ It sounds like you're doing what everyone else wants you to do instead of what YOU want to do. Grammar: "Everyone was saying that I've got to try harder, but when I tried, it felt like the day was getting longer."

I started to get stressed out and losing my ways, then all of a sudden I realized it was the next day.
^^It sounds like you have so much stuff you need to do, and there's not enough hours in a day. Grammar: "I started to get stressed out and was losing my way, then all of a sudden, I realized it was the next day."

That night i cried myself to sleep without eating dinner, and when I woke up the next day I felt much better.
^^Dinner and better don't really rhyme. Grammar: "That night, I cried myself to sleep without eating dinner, and when I woke up the next day I felt much better." I also think it would sound better if you left out the "much".

That day I cried and cried then i realized I was trying so hard to be free but all I was doing was being me.
^^This line really confused me. I thought she was feeling better? If she was the why's she crying? Grammar: "That day I cried and cried. Then, I realized that I was trying so hard to be free, but all I was doing was just being me." Whao that's a mouthfull to read. I suggest taking some of the words out or breaking the sentence down somehow.

To make sure you don't have as many grammar mistakes next time, re-read you poem, and if something doesn't look or sound right change it. I hope this comment helps improve your writing! :] And I hope I wasn't too harsh.

Keep writing!
Cayce

A Distant Whisper in the Wind. (25)
by Blissful

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-02-13

Well truthfully, this poem was very intriguing, but as I got toward the middle I was getting bored. I think descriptive words are good, but over-doing it is not, and I think that's what happened. Just take a few complicated words out and put in a few simple ones, and it will be great!

Fading scars of rejection still evident in a soul left neglected and scorned
^^That was definitely my favorite line.

This was a great poem technically, and maybe I thought it was boring as I read more, because I don't really like love poems. Haha, maybe you shouldn't listen to my comment, because I'm prejudice against love poems. Just stating my thoughts I guess.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Unfaithful (War) (16)
by Sarah

commented by Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-02-12

This was a very emotional poem for pretty much everyone involved with the war. I'm sure it can from deep inide your heart. I like the storyline, but as Tammie has already pointed out and corrected there were a lot of grammar mistakes. I always proof read my work for mistakes. I also thought you should have made the rhyme better or just have left it completely out and wrote what you feel. When a rhyme feels forced it kind of ruins the emotion and flow of the poem. Other than that I thought it was good, and could be amazing if your just fix the technical mistakes. Sorry, if I was too harsh, I just thought you might liked to know how to improve it. Great work!

Keep writing!
Cayce

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