Praised comments by xLilMissFrostyx

Swallow Your Tongue and Choke (9)
by Zeenat

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-27

It's been aaaages since I've had time to comment, but I read this piece a while back and it's been in my favourites ever since.

Zee, I frikken love this, this is amazing, how did you come up with this?!

Pathetic heart breaker filled with creative lies,
How I've dreamt of several ways for you to die.
Enjoyed toying with me, secretly wishing I fell,
Nicely done; actor played innocent very well .
"

^^This..Oh MY! What a beautiful powerful opening! I'm in awe at this, the beauty and power this stanza holds is overwhelming.

"I wasn't meant to be the star actress at all,
Yet this particular story was an inviting call.
Left me shattering silently was a cliche ending,
Forgot to tell you some rules I've been bending."

^^I didn't find this stanza as strong as the first, but in no way does this eliminate the overall power of the piece. I wasn't to keen on "I" at the start, I think it works perfectly well without.

"Years of living in emotional hell; it's your turn,
Laughter beneath my teeth as I watch you burn.
Each beautiful lie was stamped with your name,
Should have warned you; I am a little insane."

^^I'm finding this to get better and better as I go along, the imagery you've portrayed so far is really well done, it's creating such vivid pictures for me, almost like I'm watching the "Movie" in my head.

"Swallow that deceiving tongue; I hope you choke,
Should have known playing with my heart is no joke.
Living to love someone than enjoy writing their pain,
Your story ended; time to play someone elses game"

^^I thought this was perhaps the weakest stanza..not by any means weak in general, it just doesn't seem to hold as much power as the rest..I'm not sure why though :S

"Scissors in the same fingers you slipped away from,
Rush of excitement flowed like lies from your tongue.
Sliced a piece; feel a forth of my pain you coward,
Thought you controlled everything and left me devoured"

^^Another favourite stanza. The depth and meaning in the last two lines are INCREDIBLE. I really don't know what to say here.

"Have a taste of your own lie; use your teeth and chew,
Next scene created, I would appreciate a thank you.
Your a piece of dirt; should not have played with her,
Now you're the hurting actor and I am the story teller. "

^^I adore the first two lines here, but I think it reads better the other way around:

Your a piece of dirt; should not have played with her,
Now you're the hurting actor and I am the story teller.
Have a taste of your own lie; use your teeth and chew,
Next scene created, I would appreciate a thank you."

^^I think the first two lines have more power than the last two, and leaves the poem open to interpretation if you switch them around, adding a sense of mystery.

That being said though, this was a frikken beautiful write!!

Detonating Silence (21)
by Faithless

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-04

"Am I in too deep?
You seem to colonize my sleep
Invading territories in my dreams
Creating a fortress within my realm"

^^I love this opening, original and unique, and pulls me into the poem, leaving me wanting more.

"Reality camouflaged by your hallucination
An army of you marching in my delusion
Patrolling round and round my distraction
Guarding my mind from any foreign invasion"

^^A beautiful way to carry the poem forward, this seems to be getting stronger as I go along.

"Firing with bullets made of roses
Launching rockets full of kisses
Dropping missiles, blasting love
You have taken me to a place high above"

^^I didn't like the love/above rhyme, I know there's not many words that rhyme perfectly with love, but the love/above came of a little cliche.

"Showing me heaven in a battle field
Tranquil whisper in war proves surreal
Paradise within the jungle no more concealed
Love once tangled by vines has now been revealed "

^^My favourite stanza, the imagery in this stanza is breath taking, creates such vivid pictures in my mind.

"Emerging from clouds of smoke grenades
I seek shelter under your company's shade
Risking awkwardness as I step further ahead
Swearing upon my rifle, as I surrender to fate"

^^I didn't like "I" in the second line, maybe change I seek to seeking?

"Triggering me to pour out my confessions
Those three words, aimed at your direction
Targeted towards your classified location
Detonating silence, combusting all my emotions "

^^What a beautiful way to wrap up this powerful piece, the emotion and depth in this is overwhelming and creates a strong closing stanza.

Golden Dome (10)
by Faithless

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-04

"Land of the golden dome
Decorated in crimson hue
Artworks made up of flesh and bones
Patterns resembling love ones you knew"

^^What a beautiful opening..so much melancholy yet nevertheless so elegantly written.

"Looking up to the chalky sky
Clouds filled with raining missiles
Showering down before the innocent's eyes
Rendering thousands to live in exile"

^^I don't think you need "the" in the third line, it seems to flow better without for me.

"Capsules that soar in sparkles
Enthralls children with their flying abilities
Mistaking them for wingless glowing angels
Not knowing in seconds, there will be casualties"

^^One of the strongest stanzas in the poem, the emotion and depth and meaning here is incredible, wonderfully penned.

"As they kissed the ground, planting mushrooms
The earth is left sunken, engraving myriad cracks
Tidal waves of bodies coalesce in mass volumes
As cross and crescent domes were coated in black"

^^I'm finding this piece to become stronger and stronger throughout, I don't want it to end.

"Kingdom of prophecy, commandments and trinity
Faiths flourish throughout the century
Revelations seem to provide no remedy
Oh God, when will I ever see tranquility? "

^^...I don't even know what to say here, except that I'm literally blown away..this is a beautiful, moving and thought provoking write.

The imagery you create throughout this piece is stunning..creates such striking visuals in the reader's mind, while the content and wording are just as beautifully written..

Fantastic write.

Pretend (7)
by Loni

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-26

"Pretend that you're happy
Pretend you're ok
Pretend you're independent
Pretend he didn't hurt you today"

^^Love the opening stanza, really powerful and full of emotion, although I'm not sure about repeating pretend in every line, maybe find a synomn (sp?) for it.

"Pretend as if he's not worth it
Like he's missing out on someone great
Although he was your life
Happiness has to be your state"

^^I think this was my favourite stanza. Though still relatively sad, I found the last line to have a dash of hope in it, which was inspiring.

"Find it in your heart
Or at least what's left of it
Make everyone believe
Don't hate life enough to quit"

^^I found the flow to be of on the last line, maybe reword it?

"Pretend everytime you see him
It doesn't rip you apart
To know he loves her now
She's his new work of art"

^^Another favourite stanza, filled with so much melancholy and depth, and I love the sarcasm in the last line.

"Pretend he never loved you
Pretend you don't need him to be ok
Pretend he wasen't the reason
Why your world was lost today "

^^Beautiful closing, really tugs on the reader's heartstrings and makes them feel the pain.

I liked it.

The Wind is Misery (1)
by Anthony Doubal

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-26

If I'm honest, the amount of fillers (I, the, but etc) you used throughout spoiled it for me and threw the flow in multiple places.
Maybe:

I am but a dead leaf
Floating through autumn skies
Searching below
For a cozy place to lay and die
Winds keep pushing
Leading me to world's edge
There are doubts
I've made my self pledge
Promised I will end
Laying in a field of self pity
With all the other leaves
All rotten, forgotten and shitty

"All rotten, forgotten and shitty"
^^I get the meaning here, and the feeling but the use of the word shitty makes it seem like you were just trying to continue with the rhyme scheme, and it makes it seemed forced. Reword maybe?


It does sting a bit
Realized the true meaning
Wind is no enemy
Though pain is demeaning
Wind is old
Means not to kill you
Life is full of pain
Sadly this is the truth
Understand
Leafs dropped from trees
Won't go far
But let to drift in the misery
Won't crush on landing

"But let to drift in the misery"-let? left?

Love the closing line, very powerful.

However I was thrown that most of the poem had a fixed rhyme whereas the last few lines didn't.

If You Were A Poem, This Would Be It (1)
by xToBeWithYoux

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-26

Your brown eyes sparkle like chestnuts,
Smile, and your teeth are twinkling stars.
Blushing red like blood from fresh cuts
When I see you, or wilting roses in a vase."

^^Ahhhh...I frikken adore this opening stanza, the imagery is beautiful, just beautiful, it creates vivid pictures in my mind while the flow is flawless and pulls me into the piece. I don't think you need the fillers though, they work without them, maybe:

Brown eyes sparkle like chestnuts,
Smile, your teeth are twinkling stars.
Blushing red like blood from fresh cuts
When I see you, or wilting roses in a vase.

"Your voice is a beautiful harmony,
Bronze hair soft velvet.
This handsome young man means so much to me,
You are someone I will never forget."

^^I found the flow to be slightly of on the last line, maybe change I will, to I'll?

"Your personality is like a flower:
Open, delicate and gentle.
Around you, you hold all the power.
A part of my life, you are essential."

^^I really like the similies you're using to describe him, it adds so much meaning to the poem, and beautiful rhyming here.

"When you walk past, my heart utters a sigh:
You will never be my special guy. "

^^I liked these lines, but I felt they were a little weaker than the rest of the piece which was strong throughout..maybe add some more?

To say this was the first poem you wrote, I think you did a remarkable job.

Possible Entrapments (4)
by Kenny AKA LoveStory

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-26

"I ever wonder if we were in a vast ocean
Imprisoned within the heart of a colossal storm
Inviting us to embrace the welcoming death
Yet we remain calm, exchanging our final breath"

^^I adore this opening, so full of depth and emotion with a flawless flow and beatiful imagery that I can't help but be pulled into the piece, and want to read more.

"I ever wonder if we were in a fairytale
Our souls lost within the depths of eternity
Entrapped in a cell of everlasting admiration
Yet possibilities of escape is not an option"

^^This is an amazing way to carry the poem forward, a very strong stanza and I like how you're starting each one with the things you wonder about.

"I wonder if we were beneath a sickening rain
Confined within an emerging, warm ecstasy
Devouring our hearts to fled the effects of reality
Yet we persist no departure, from this heartfelt unity"

^^I love the meaning here, the sincerity and feeling is incredible, easily felt by the reader and the love shows through every written word.

"I wonder if I were ensnared within your web
Entrapped within your genuine tender love
Hypnotizing me deeper within an absolute peace
Yet I remain satisfied, wishing for no release "

^^Ahhh..what a beautiful way to close this piece, hard hitting and strong, something that stays with the reader and has an impact upon the final lines.

I found the flow to be flawless throughout, the imagery was beautifully created within every line and I really enjoyed the rhyming.

Beautifully and elegantly written.

Tunes of Passion (21)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-26

"I borrowed wings from an angel
to fly high
and gripped the moon
to guide me.
Seas and Oceans
were left behind,
who needs them?"

^^ I adore these opening lines, the emotion and depth really pulls the reader into the piece and the imagery so far is beautifully painted, leaving vviid pictures in my mind.

However, I don't feel you need the "I" on the first line, or the "and," on the third line, I think it works better without.

"my own secure harbor
lies in your eyes.
Fog was dancing
around that impossible peak
yet, I could reach there
the power of passion
within my heart,
made the white hallows disappear."

^^What a beautiful way to carry the poem forward, the depth and meaning here is incredible, the emotion easily felt by the reader.

"The precious mission was done
when I found birds of heaven
and taught them
lifelong tunes of fondness."

^^I think it would flow better without the fillers, maybe :

Precious mission was done
when I found birds of heaven
Taught them
lifelong tunes of fondness.

"A harmony the whole universe
would repeat forever,
where every verse is written
with a warm breath,
you master its own rhythm. "

^^I really enjoyed the closing lines, filled with so much meaning and beautifully worded with a powerful finish.

Beautiful.

Memories Will Live On. (5)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-21

"Weak body suffering pain begs for peace,
gasping to catch another gulp of fresh air.
Eyes barely open, struggling to live.
A sharp needle is slowly inserted."

^^The pain, emotion and depth is incredible here, almost overwhelming and pulls me right into the piece, leaving me wanting to carry on reading.

"A tumor formed only continues to expand,
blood flow becomes restricted from the heart.
The end of life is near as tired eyes battle
to live, eventually closing for the last time."

^^This is so sad, I found this stanza to be the strongest of the piece and with each line read I could feel my heart dropping even further in sorrow. The imagery is beautifully detailed here.

"Each beat becomes further apart with time,
eventually coming to a stop, pain disappears.
Stiff body lies in peace, family surrounds.
Tears flow, residing with memories of the past."

^^i found this stanza to be incredible..the fact that you mixed such melancholy with such tranquility caused for a stunning effect and I really liked how you described that even though it's painful, he/she is now at peace and there's no more pain.

As an animal lover I know how much it hurts to lose a pet and wouldn't know what to do if anything happened to my current german shepard..stay strong!

Two Become One (3)
by Hidden Feelings within these Words

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-21

"Happiness, is now truly what she feels in her life.
For she has let go of all her discouragement and strife.

Every night she used to spend in distraught and cry so many tears.
Come day she would hold it all back and swallow her fears."

^^Beautiful opening, so full of depth and emotion that it pulls me into the poem and I can't wait to read more, however I don't think you need "in" on the third line.

"And then one day, a few wonderful years ago.
Came a man, but little did she know he'd be her betrothe.

But, one fall day in 06, he asked her out.
Wanting to know a little more of her and what she was about.

Feeling sorry for him, she gave him a chance.
He was charming, but she hadn't fully looked beyond a glance.

He took her bowling, that didn't go so very well.
And then to dinner, where they talked, pulling her out of her shell."

^^I really enjoyed these lines, the whole getting to know someone, gigivng them a chance, is something that you've captured beautifully here.

"She was very quiet, and she really didn't say much that day.
He took her home and said "How about a second date, what do you say?"

She gladly said yes, and smiled, and then in relief let out a sigh.
And then hugged him and said, "I'll see you later, bye-bye"

A few days later they saw each other, they stopped and talked.
He hated soccer, yet asked her to a game, she was shocked!

They went, and had a great fun time at the game.
He'd not admit it, but he had fun. "It's not a sport" he claims."

^^I really enjoyed the imagery and the growing feelings described within these lines, beautiful way to carry the poem forward.

"So, from there they started seeing each other alot.
And soon she escaped her shell and was no longer distraught.

Through their dating time, they went through so much.
They fell in love and talked about marriage and such.

Then after they had been dating for a little over a year.
he bought her a ring and proposed where everyone could hear.

She again so gladly said yes, hugged him and accepted the ring.
And everyone hugged them and congratulated them on everything."

^^Favourite lines of the poem so far, I found these lines to be incredibly sweet and really warms the reader's heart strings.

"They later called to tell of their engagement to all.
They then started planning their wedding for the fall.

For the next ten months, was almost all wedding plans.
From picking out the dress, to figuring out the best man.


After all their planning that week was soon here.
The decorating and rehearsal, with family all near.

The wedding morning was here and everyone was awake.
They went to breakfast, and she had a smile no one could take."

^^Again I found these lines to be very sweet and adorable, and I loved the last two lines here.

"She had her hair and makeup done, and started to put on the dress.
She wanted to make sure everything was perfect and looked her best.

So many pictures to take before the ceremony was to start.
Thinking of all our times together, knowing we'll never part."

^^I was thrown here because up to now it's been "she," and now it's "we." Maybe change that?

"They then go to the table to cut the cake to feed it to each other.
And then following, a toast from his best man and brother.

They tossed the garter and boquet high in the air.
They all jumped for them, without a care.

They kissed their family and said goodbye.
As they drove away, her mother started to cry.

Because her baby is now grown up and married,
remembering when she was so little, she had to be carried."

^^Other favourite lines of the piece, the meaning here is incredible, and yet written so simply there's so much emotion and meaning behind the written words, while the imagery is beautifully painted for the reader.

"Their love that they have for each other has grown so strong.
Married to each other is right where they belong.

And now they begin their new life together today.
May we always walk with the Lord, as one, I pray."

^^Again I was thrown because of the "she, they" and now "we,"

That being said, I thought this was a beautiful way to close the piece.

Nature's Touch (9)
by Zeenat

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-21

"Darkened frozen tears tumble down outside,
Stiffened like my heart hearing hidden cries."

^^Such beautiful opening lines here, the depth and emotion portrayed here is incredible and pulls me into the piece, and I can't wait to carry on reading.

"Sharpened wind hits through my entire body,
Fogging up these eyes, blinded I can not see."

^^I love the meaning and emotion that carries on in this stanza here, so much beauty behind the written words and a beautiful way to carry the poem forward and leaving the reader wanting more.

"Weakened knees, fallen to the solid ground,
Dogs barking, wind singing; hearing sounds.
Cold air enjoys embracing, this numb heart,
Like winter leaves time has come to depart."

^^I think the last line would be read better if there was a comma between leaves and time, it just seems to flow better that way for me. That being said I adore the imagery you placed in these lines, it creates such vivid pictures in my mind for me as the reader.

"Dried up toes, shivering lips all that I became,
Rising sun has come yet, the coldness remains."

^^I don't think you need "the" on the second line, maybe:

Rising sun has come yet, coldness remains.

I find it to work just as well, if not better without. That being said, I find these to my favourite lines of the piece, the meaning behind these lines is incredible.

"Nature�s beauty gives me a new way to feel,
Breath of fresh air is the perfect way to heal. "

^^Such a beautiful closing, powerful and strong and such an inspirational closing.

I remember how I first interpretated this piece when I pm'd you, but I must say now that I'm looking at it from other points of view as well, it takes on a whole new meaning for me.

I love this, Zee =)

My Secret Valentine (17)
by Faithless

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-20

"Witnessing the sea of a million crystals
Diamond canvas in the sky that sparkles
Winds playing symphony for the singing angels"

^^What a truly beautiful opening..the imagery within these lines is incredible, so detailed and vivid that I can't help but be pulled into the piece and can't wait to continue on.

"The ocean breeze gently brushed her face
As she looked onto the wide open space
Looking for a sign of her lover's trace"

^^I don't think you need "the" in the first line, it works just as well, if not better, without.

"Midnight beach decorated with rose petals
A runway illuminated with ivory candles
Paving a trail that leads to a castle"

^^Favourite part so far, the imagery in these three lines is incredible, it's almost like I can -see- everything that you're describing.

"Curiosity leads her to walk down the aisle
Heart filled with anticipation for a lovely smile
Hoping the steps that she took will be worthwhile

A box wrapped gift sits gently in the middle
Tempted to unravel it like the forbidden apple
Craving to find the answer to a mystical riddle"

^^I really enjoyed these stanzas, as the reader I'm wondering what's in the box, and can't wait to find out, I found it added a touch of mystery to the poem and left me intriqued.

"Unveiling the gift only to find it's empty
Disappointment aches the heart, crying softly
Her soul longs to be in a state of tranquility"

^^Ooohh this is so sad, I didn't expect this to happen and it leaves me feeling somewhat sad, and wishing that the box wasn't empty.

"Suddenly descended from the heavenly cloud divine
A Prince landed his magic carpet onto the shoreline
Saying "My heart is my gift to you, my secret valentine "

^^What a beautiful, beautiful closing!! To go from mystery to melancholy to such happiness within the last three stanzas sure was a twist and definietly jerks the reader's emotions about, which made for a powerful affect on the overall piece.

I love this.

Lower the Flame of Demons (4)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-20

"Nyctophobic,
yet, my dearest;"

^^Can I just say that I adore these opening lines, so intense and filled with so much power right from the word go that I can't wait to continue on.

"cannibalistic were the raindrops;
corpses of our nights reside, serene,
portrayed across lady malice's eyelids."

^^Ahhh the imagery..you always have such a way with imagery in your work, and this, as always, is so beautifully detailed and vivid.

"Lower the acrid flame,
combustion
of secrets;
come a little closer."

^^I found these to be some of the strongest lines within the piece, and they have me itching to continue.

"Arteries morphed into moonbeams,
swallowing spirits of dusk,
betwixt,
spellbound, irises absorb midnights,
longing for someone else's fingerprints."

^^This is just getting better and better as I go along, with each line being stronger and more powerful than the last..beautiful way to carry the poem forward.

"Silence the demons;
nightly voices chant
unwanted truth.

Nyctophobic,
yet, always in my heart. "

^^What beautiful closing lines..so intense and hard hitting that I had to read it twice..

I adore this piece.

Oh, How I'd Do Anything (Song) (23)
by Italian Stallion

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-18

"Far away, miles apart; Smiles within our hearts.
From a distance shadows appear
cause our love displays our true wish to be near.
Distant "I love you's" I can hear,
weeping internally."

^^I adore this opening stanza, such passion and emotion that I can't help but be drawn into the piece and can't wait to continue reading.

"Far away, miles apart; Destiny will now chart.
Days, months, years, I'll never depart.
Moonlit nights, bright sunny days,
shine down on me like your sweet gentle smile.
Oh, how I'd do anything."

^^I liked the repetition here, usually I'm not a big fan of repetition but it seemed to work well here, and I loved the imagery within these lines.

"My nose grows cold for you.
I keep a part of you with me,
deep within my heart and soul.
I'd do anything and everything..."

^^I didn't like the "I" in the second line, I don't think there's a need for it, it works just as well without.

"For you
For you
For you
For you
For you
For you
For you"

^^Again, I think the repetition works well here, it gets acorss the sincerity and emotion without becoming overbearing.

"My nose grows cold for you.
I keep a part of you with me,
deep within my heart and soul.
Oh, I'd do anything and everything...

My nose grows cold for you.
I keep a part of you with me,
deep within my heart and soul.
Oh, I'd do anything and everything
Oh, I'd do anything and everything...

For you
For you
For you
For you"

^^As said above, I don't think you need the "I", and I like the repetition.

I thought this was a beautiful and moving piece, the emotion can clearly be felt through every written line, while the imagery is vivid throughout.

I liked this.

Surrounded By Your Mistakes (11)
by Zeenat

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-18

"Can you please explain why you have done this to me?
Leaving me wondering, tearing, collapsed deep inside
I love you; we have been married for ten happy years
Holding me in those cheating arms as my tears cried"

^^What a truly beautiful opening...so much heartache and sorrow mixed with love and loss and drama..this opening really has it all and I can't help but be pulled into the piece and can't wait to continue reading more.

"Sleepless nights; I lay beside you with no touch at all
Idea of your deceptive lips kissing on me burns my skin
Occurred only three times you say; three times I died
May the hurt you caused us attack you from within?"

^^Oh wow...I don't even know what to say about this stanza, except that I frikken love it, partiuarly the last two lines. So much anger and hatred and power all rolled into one!

"How could your heart turn to some other for affection?
My heart is in your hands, I thought you held it tight
Promising me, to keep away the falling rain out my life
Yet, you created all the teardrops, I will never be alright"

^^I found this stanza to be incredibly bittersweet, so much pain and hurt mixed with confusion, and in this stanza the reader really feels the pain.

"Surrounded by your mistakes, I sunk into the ground
Can not turn back now I am emotionally in too deep
Confused; Leading me into the world of broken hearts
You should know our family is my life; never will I leave"

^^I'm finding this piece to become better and better throughout, with each line stronger and more powerful than the last, I can't even pick a favourite part.

"Shattering deeply; there is just one thing I want to know;
How could you just hurt the ones you love so bad?
Must know your actions speak louder than words
You became the reason why each day I feel alone and sad."

^^I'm not to sure on this stanza..it seems somehow weaker whereas the rest of the poem is incredibly strong throughout..I'm not sure if it's the actual stanza or the rhyming of sad and bad that made me unsure though :/

"You have welcomed pain into the hearts of our family
Never will I forgive you from what you aimlessly done
Drive myself crazy each day as I stare at his sweet face
How am I suppose to love, a little boy who is not my son "

^^Ohhh wow..I so wasn't expecting this ending, this was a total shocking twist, up until now I thought you were writing from the females perspective, and this was a surprise. But a good one =D

Powerful throughout, powerful closing, so much emotion and depth, flow is beautiful throughout as is imagery..all this comes together to create a truly beautiful read.

You outdid yourself on this one, be proud =)

Perfectly in Love (12)
by Darien

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-14

"Our secret summer of romance and bliss,
All began with a passionate first kiss.
Warmth we felt as we kept each other close,
Times we spent alone is what I missed most."

I adore this opening stanza, I really enjoyed the emotion and longing felt within these lines, and I liked how you mentioned it as a secret summer, it added a touch of spice to the poem.

"Falling asleep in the comfort of your arms,
The way you giggled at my boyish charms.
Love sparked when we kissed in the rain,
It locked a memory that will always remain."

^^ I'm finding this piece to become better and better as I go along, I really liked the imagery you created here while the flow is perfect.

"A weekend at your place meant the world,
I started to think of you as my girl.
The battle you fought you finally won,
You asked me out and our life had begun."

^^I found the flow to be of in the last line here, maybe remove !had"? It just flows better for me that way.

"We stayed together when the summer had end,
Miles apart you were still my girlfriend.
To see each other we took long trips,
It was worth the travel to kiss your lips."

^^I'm not to sure on this verse..it seems somehow weaker than the rest of the poem, which is incredibly strong throughout.

"Now we stand together perfectly in love,
As peaceful as a pair of turtle doves.
Though I write to you from far away,
I still wish you a Happy Valentine's Day."

^^Awwwh..I adore these closing lines, so full of emotion, so sincere and sweet, that it left me with a smile. Beautiful way to wrap up!

An Ill Furry Companion. (3)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-14

"Weary eyes struggling to remain open,
heavy with tears that flow rapidly.
Legs unstable, strength gone.
Collapsing to the ground instantly."

^^I really like these opening lines, I found them to be filled with emotion and depth right from the word go, and the imagery portrayed was very well done, this combined pulled me straight into the poem.

"Staring blankly, unable to understand.
Crying with every painful breath taken.
Crust forms in the corners of eyes,"

^^The melancholy here is overwhelming, it really tugs on the reader's heartstrings, and with each line read, I could feel my heart dropping further in sorrow.

"Sight obstructed, nothing is clear.
Unresponsive to everything around,
worry and fear fill the air, no words spoken.
A needle inserted to hydrate body,
numerous tests ran as time passes, "

^^I thought this was a really good way to carry the poem forward, you manage to capture so much pain and heartache within these lines, and create a sense of mystery here, for me as the reader it had me wondering how this was all going to end...

"nervous family awaits unknown news
of their ill furry companion who lies to rest. "

^^I liked these closing lines, up until now the poem seemed to be about a person, and I didn't see this coming which was a surprise.

Despite being filled with so much melancholy, I found this to be beautifully written.

Hypnotica (7)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-14

"Alluring, the scorpion's tail-
insomnia's hidden purple scars
under the mask of rebellion.
Savagely, melting moon lacerates
lurid corpses of thorny stars."

^^ I adore the imagery you placed within these opening lines here, it's so beautifully created that it's almost as if I can -see- everything that you're describing, while the emotion and depth instantly pulls me into the piece.

"Almost hypnotic- icebound, pregnant sky..."

^^I frikken love this line, I find it to hold so much depth and power.

"Occult, the womb of illusions-
phobias sing along with serpents
as the dreams of wax resurrect.
Seductively, welkins mate
with damask, alien deities."

^^I'm finding this piece to become better and better as I go along, you always have such a way with imagery and here you don't disappoint. The flow so far is incredible, rolls right of the tongue and doesn't falter once.

"Hypnotic, indeed- cloned, fiery puppeteers... "

^^I think this made for a wonderful closing, strong, hard hitting, powerful. A perfect way to wrap this piece up.

The flow, the imagery, the vocabulary, it all melts together for such a beautiful read.

True Love (36)
by Hollymariee

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-14

"Please love , dry your eyes ..
There's no reason for you to cry .
You loved him lots ; I know it hurts ,
But all these tears he's just not worth ."

^^I adore this opening stanza, it showed the feeling of being strong, and was also a little inspirational which pulled me into the piece.

"He made his choice , now let him go ;
His mistake , and he'll soon know .
It won't be long , he'll be on his knees ..
But walk away , and ignore his pleas . "

^^I love the last two lines here, again it shows the feeling of being strong, and I love that, it's like you're saying, you know what? In time, you wont need him!

"The day will come ; Your heart won't ache .
No more nights will you lie awake .
The tears will stop , as the memories cease ;
His name won't hurt , and the pain will ease . "

^^Favourite stanza so far. The depth and emotion here is beautiful, although all of us always feel that we'll never get over a lover, eventually the pain does lessen, you just need to give it time, and you capture that so well within this verse.

"But until the day that all this ends ,
Remember that you've got your friends .
Just take our hand , and we'll help you heal ;
Showing you how true love feels . "

^^The flow seemed -slightly- of to me in the last line, only slightly though.
That being said, I thought this was a beautiful way to wrap this piece up.

Inspirational, moving, and sweet.

Beautiful work.

My Dream Come True Is Only You (9)
by Zeenat

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-14

"Extended time has slowly passed by, leaving such confusion,
this consuming, fervent warmth I feel for you is no illusion.
I have loved you forever each breathing day growing more,
A love so deep inside me, that it tickles and thrills my core."

^^Ahhhh...what a truly beautiful way to open this piece up! Filled with such love and adoration, so much emotion that I'm instantly pulled into the piece and can't wait to read more.

"Longing to be where I belong safely tucked in your loving arms,
Breathless I have become blessed with your heartrending charm.
Whispers dance around my head, they sound so much like you,
Your gentle voice plays in my mind with lyrics that felt so true."

^^This is just getting better and better as I go along. The emotion and depth within this verse is incredible, you really manage to capture the feeling of being in love so beautifully here.

"Bumblebees hum in my stomach, every time I hear your name,
Loving cupid brought our hearts together with such a perfect aim.
I want to spend the rest of my life staring into your alluring eyes,
Take my hand on this day, I promise to kiss those tears goodbye."

^^I love how you used bumblebees, instead of butterflies. I found that to be both original and unique in concept, and made for a great twist.

"You have walked right out of my dreams into my melancholy heart,
Mind wanting to let go yet deep inside I have been wishing to restart.
Mornings come as nights fall, you are all that my mind is thinking of,
Proudly I would shout out to the world you are the one I came to love."

^^This is such a beautiful ending, so sweet and adorable that it left me with a smile, and wrapped the piece up perfectly.

The flow is beautiful throughout this piece, doesn't falter once, and the words just roll right of the tongue, while the imagery paints vivid pictures in my mind.

You can always tell when a collab is good when you can't tell who wrote what, as is the case here.

I hope to see more of you two in the future.

Beautiful work guys!

Precious Moments (8)
by CanUKissAwayMyPain

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-14

If I'm being honest, the amount of fillers you used throughout this, really spoiled the entire piece for me, and messed with the flow throughout considerably.

I'd eliminate all of the fillers, it would flow a lot better, maybe :

How you hold me tight, not loosing your grip on me.
How easily you make me smile.
Invading my mind
Soon over taking my heart
Never wanting to loose this feeling with you.
Wild butterflies, burning heat inside me.
It seems they eont leave.
With every kiss, left me breathless.
Each tender touch, my heart skips a beat
Gazing into your eyes, everything and everyone around us fades away.
Only we exist in my world.
Only us being together matters to me.
Every minute together, are precious moments in my life.
That will stay planted in this heart forever.

Friday the Thirteenth (10)
by Michael D Nalley

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-14

"The second month, the thirteenth day
The year is two thousand and nine
You're seen among the living, on your way
To find your love, who is your valentine"

^^I adore this opening stanza, I found it to be very powerful, so much emotion that it just pulls me right into the piece. However I don't think you need "the" in the first and second line.

"The reaper of hearts, you search for a soul
Who just can't get you out of his mind
Silence rules the night where you will stroll
Heaven only knows what in hell you'll find"

^^I think it would flow better if you removed "the" from the first line.
I really enjoyed the imagery here, and the last line really stands out to me, again so much power.

"No grave can hold you in the cold dark earth
He longs for that day he takes his last breath
As if he sees in you a way to seasonal rebirth
When he unites with you somehow in death"

^^Beautiful verse, I felt the last line added a touch of mystery, it had me wondering just how he would reunite in death, and left me intriqued (sp?), which kept me wanting to read further.

"Though the thought chills him to the bone
He waits for your kiss trembling with fear
Dreading each day that he must feel alone
He dreams of times you have been here"

^^I'm not to sure on this stanza, it seems a little weaker than the others which is incredibly strong throughout.

"Friday the thirteenth brings a magic spell
In the woods prowls the stalker, and prey
Somewhere between heaven and hell
Rises the passion of Valentines Day "

^^I adore this closing stanza, so much power and depth, and hard hitting, something that will certainly stay with the reader.

I liked how you mixed something so dark with the day of love, it made for a powerful transition on the overall piece.

Beautiful work.

Win Me Again With That Smile (3)
by xToBeWithYoux

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-14

"Come, sweep me off my feet
With that smile so bitterly sweet.
Fix this restless heartbeat:
Again, once more, where shall we meet?"

^^I really liked this opening stanza, the last line creates a sense of mystery which hooks me into the poem and keeps me wanting to read more.

"Black shadows under eyes,
The curious looks you despise.
Seeing through my disguise,
I cannot tell any more lies."

^^I don't think you need the fillers in this stanza, (I, the, you etc) maybe :

Black shadows under eyes,
Curious looks you despise.
Seeing through my disguise,
Refuse to tell any more lies.

"Please, I want to end this,
But there are things that I will miss:
Intoxicating kiss.
Bound to forever reminisce."

^^I really enjoyed this stanza, full of emotion and depth, the emotion behind the words is clearly felt by the reader.

"Avoid the tears I'll cry,
Here, take my hand, and we can fly.
Dodge the looming goodbye.
Let our broken hearts soar too high."

^^favourite stanza so far, the imagery within this lines is beautiful, it's like I can -see- everything that you're describing.

"I could walk life alone:
No, you will always be my own.
But to stay on this throne
Means these heart strings will be unknown."

^^Again, I think this would flow better if you eliminate some of the fillers. Maybe :

Could walk life alone:
No, you will always be my own.
To enable me to stay on this throne
Means these heart strings will be unknown.

Or something along those lines.

"Giving reasons like trial,
Attempts to forget aren't worthwhile.
You know I'm versatile,
So, win me again with that smile. "

^^I really enjoyed this closing stanza, moving and powerful, a beautiful way to wrap this piece up.

Twinkle, Twinkle, Speeding Car (2)
by xToBeWithYoux

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-14

"Twinkle, twinkle, speeding car,
You will leave me with a scar."

^^I love these opening lines, straight away you've packed in so much emotion in so few words that I can't help but be pulled into the piece.

"Into the night I will fly,
From the bonnet to the sky."

^^I liked the imagery you placed within these lines, you managed to put alot of depth in these lines.

"Twinkle, twinkle, distant car,
You've left a corpse on the tar. "

^^What a perfect way to end this piece. Powerful and hard hitting, something that will certainly stay with the reader.

Despite being relatively short, you managed to portray so much meaning and depth throughout this, which isn't always easy to do.

I loved this.

The Jetset Life Is Gonna Kill You (1)
by xToBeWithYoux

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-14

"Fame.
Fortune.
Everyone's dreams come true.

Isn't it?"

^^Beautiful way to open the poem. Thought provoking and insightful, a wonderful way to hook the reader.

"The sound of forgotten voices,
The sight of faded photographs,
Flutter freely through your mind,
Reminding you of who you were."

^^I don't think you need "the" in the first and second line.

"The smell of leather handbags,
The sounds of tinkling diamonds,
Linger in the cool, crisp air,
Reminiscing over memories of glory."

^^Again, I don't think you need "the" here. I really like the imagery here.

"The feel of the glowing tarmac,
The taste of petroleum,
Meet together in unison,
Planning journeys of glamour."

^^Again, I feel this would flow better without "the." I feel that you use it to often throughout the piece and it spoils it for me.

"The taste of the thick air,
The smell of the dancers' sweat,
Rendez-vous in your mouth,
Yearning for champagne."

^^Can you guess what I'm going to suggest? LOL. I really liked the last two lines here, I found them powerful.

"The smell of another line,
The taste of another tablet,
Mix with one another in your body,
Making you feel alive again. "

^^Remove "the" and I feel it flows so much better.

I absolutely love this piece, it really makes the reader think about the choices they make in their lifes.

Stockholm Syndrome (1)
by xToBeWithYoux

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-14

"All the things you have done to me,
The life you stole from my heart,
And the imagination you stole from my dreams,
Gone. Without a trace."

^^ I didn't like the use of fillers. Maybe :

""All the things you have done to me,
life you stole from my heart,
imagination you stole from my dreams,
Gone. Without a trace."

"Anger pulsing through my body,
Distorting the world around of me,
I can see your face in my mind,
Too far out of my control."

^^I liked this stanza, I found it to hold alot of depth and power.

"The chair glides past your sombre face,
Wood splintering on the wall,
The shouting gets louder, they're panicking
Now, I won't ever leave you.

^^I don't think you need "the" on the third line.

"Torture and hate are the ones for you,
They make you feel on top of the world,
But no matter what hell you put me through,
I will stand by you, loyal as always."

^^Favourite stanza of the piece. So much hurt mixed with loyalty that it makes for an interesting affect.

I liked the single lines, read together they were line another verse of the piece.

I liked this.

Stolen By Night (4)
by Inside the Liar

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-12

"I'm entirely capable of taking your criticism
And I'll turn it around to make sense in my mind
Your words and your actions cut deep to my soul,
But I'm bound to forget it; just give me time."

^^I love these opening lines, I found them to be filled with pain to begin with yet mixed with hope in the last line which made for a good transition within the opening stanza.

"Every song I ever sung along to
And every poem that I might have read
Twist and turn playing reels unending
Trying to erase what I know you said."

^^I really liked this, because now I'm wondering just what was said, and wanting to find out more. It creates a sense of mystery and leaves me intriqued (sp?)

"Maybe I should just try to forget it
Let go, move on, and take a step back
Release all your actions and all of my anger,
Bow down, retreat, and try to relax.

Ignore your existence once and for all
Go back to my shell and resume being cold
Forgive you a little as each day passes
For not being the one that I wanted to hold."

^^I love the emotion and depth portrayed within these stanzas, the feelings are clear through the written words and bring out many emotions in me.

"I knew somewhere hidden that it was never you
Knew it by your smile, your touch, your embrace
But still I held on as the credits started to play
Trying to find some sort of feeling to trace."

^^I enjoyed this stanza, the feeling of trying to find something that isn't there is something that many can relate to and you capture that well here.

"The words that you uttered when you finally left me
Embedded within me and hurt more than you know
But I'm not a performer and I'm not breaking down
So you're wasting your time if you're expecting a show."

^^Ahhh! Favourite stanza of the piece, I frikken love the last two lines, so much power and depth, so much impact on the reader, beautiful imagery and I like the sense of being strong.

"For a fashion we belonged to each other
Just for a time what we had was just right
Until the morning we woke up to realize
The love we thought existed stole away in the night."

^^I found the flow to be slightly of in the last line here, maybe try shortening it a little?

"I'm entirely capable of taking your criticism
And I'll turn it around to make sense in my mind
Your words and your actions cut deep to my soul
But I'm bound to forget it; just give me time."

^^I thought the repetition worked well here, got the point across well without becoming overbearing, and a beautiful way to wrap the piece up.

I love this.

I'm Not Crying (14)
by Inside the Liar

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-12

"Say all the words you want baby
But I'm not breaking down
Your words just bounce right off me
My tears are nowhere to be found"

^^Beautiful, beautiful opening here! The intensity and depth here is incredible, and pulls me right into the piece.

"You and I are over
That's road's already been paved
And it's too late for you to realize
What we had could've been saved"

^^I'm finding this piece to become better and better as I go along, with each stanza stronger than the last. I love the feeling of independency and of having moved on here.

"Now that your girl dumped you
You say you know how I feel
But don't expect my sympathy
'Cause you caught the raw end of that deal"

^^I found the flow to be of in the last line, whereas it's otherwise perfect throughout, maybe shorten it or edit it around?

"You're begging me to take you back
The tears running down your face
But the emotions have frozen within me
And I'm in a different place."

^^Again I love the feeling of being the stronger one, of finally standing up and saying you know what? I don't need you anymore!

"A place where I don't have to care
About how hard you're trying
And all I can think as I turn away
Is that for once I'm not crying"

^^I didn't like this stanza. It seems very weak whereas the rest of the poem is incredibly strong throughout. Maybe work on this stanza a little?

Every Love Song Screams Your Name (2)
by Inside the Liar

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-12

"After rehearsal one day I find
A mixed CD on my car
Has desperate written all over it
I think this time you went too far

Against my better judgment
I slowly pop it in
Brace myself for the memories
And you under my skin"

^^I really enjoyed these opening stanzas, I found them to be very bittersweet and moving, pulling me instantly into the poem.

"Track one is a melody
That stings me to the bone
Crooning softly in my ear
That you'll never leave me alone

Track two takes a different angle
Screaming at me to go away
Then track three takes over
Begging me to just stay"

^^I'm finding this piece to become better as I read along and I enjoyed how track one was saying he/she wont leave you alone, while track two was completely the oppisite and then back again by track three, it made for a very good affect on the overall piece.

"Tracks four begs for another chance
To prove you didn't do wrong
Track five asks me to dance with you
Track six says it won't be long

Track seven says you love me
And eight says more of the same
And of all the songs I've heard so far
Every love song screams your name"

^^I adore the emotion and depth that are within these lines, they are easily felt by the reader and the way a person's emotions are all mixed up and confused after a break up is something you manage to portray very well here.

"And of all the songs I've heard so far
Every love song screams your name""

^^Favourite lines of the piece. Just beautiful.

"Track twelve sings of summer
And the days we spent at the beach
Thirteen says your arms are held out
Fourteen asks me to reach"

^^I didn't like this stanza, it felt like you just stopped writing halfway through the last line just to enable you to rhyme.

"I pull in the drive; kill the engine
Look up and see you sitting there
The porch frames you perfectly
And I know that I still care

^^I like how you admitted that even after everything you still care about this person.

"I get out and you stand up
With 'I love you' and a smile
Then I run into your arms
And no one lets go for a while"

^^I love the transistion here, it made a stunning effect, and I didn't see this coming which was a nice surprise.

"I thank you for the mixed CD
You tell me everything will be alright
Then our mixed CD ends with a kiss
And a promise not to fight" "

^^I really enjoyed this closing stanza, I found it to be beautifully moving and heartwarming and it was nice to see that everything ended so perfectly.

I really enjoyed this piece.

Poetic Transaction (collab) (11)
by Faithless

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-11

"Professing undying love through rhyme and verse
Written in a shade of ink you can never reverse

Scriptures permanently embedded on the heart
Piercing through our skin as modern day art"

^^Ahhh...what a beautiful, beautiful opening! The imagery within these lines is absolutely fantastic, so striking and creates such vivid pictures in my mind, while the flow is faultless.

"Covering the truth with a sultry veil of distraction
It's time to exchange this lover's poetic transaction

No longer speaking a language of metaphors
Seasons of love flourish opening new doors"

^^I'm finding this piece to become better and better as I go along, with each line better than the one before it.

"As these beautiful aspirations seem to submerge
You send three flawless words in which I immerge"

^^I didn't like the use of "you" here...maybe: Sending three flawless words in which I immerge?

"Lost in your dark eyes with no way out of this maze
Clouds of lust roll in covering us in a poetic haze"

^^Favourite lines of the piece, these are just beautiful.

"Fate is coloring my life with rainbows and glitter
Years of endless searching, I finally found my answer"

^^I love the imagery within the first line, however I didn't like the rhyimg, up until now the rhyme has been perfect and it falters here which threw me a little.

"Shrouded under the mist letting our lips eclipse
Caressing skin to skin, decoding body scripts

Waking up weak in your arms under a starry night
Infatuation so strong, unable to resist or fight"

^^I really enjoyed the emotion and depth within these lines, they are easily felt and left me with such a sweet feeling.

"Clear interpretations, giving in to sweet temptation
Writing a million phrases, inspired by our creation"

^^This is a beautiful way to wrap this piece up..

I am left speechless with this piece, apart from the minor two things I pointed out, I found this to be perfect.

The flow is flawless throughout, rolls right of the tongue, while the imagery, wording, and content all melt together to create a beautiful read.

You can always tell when a collab is good when you can't tell who wrote which part, as is the case here.

I hope to see more of you two in the future.

How Eternity Looks Like? (15)
by Lonely Rider

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-11

"Will the wind carry my voice
across thousand miles?
And, while you sleep,
caressing your ruffled hair,
will it whisper the tale -
of silent promises
stranded outside your door?"

^^ I really like these opening lines, the imagery you portrayed here is beautifully done and creates vivid pictures in my mind while the flow is perfect and hooks me into the piece.

"Will forever end
with 'revolution and rotations'
or demise of last spec in cosmos?
Is it Long enough
to suffice my love ?"

^^I'm finding this piece to become better and better throughout, with each line stronger than the last, and I love the emotion and depth within these lines.

"Moon mocks my lonliness,
sneering along
with his favorite star,
and I wonder,Is
night more darker
or my stooping shadow?

sailing on our dreamboats,
will it embrace the shore?
and if it capsize,
would we discover our own island?"

^^Favourite lines of the piece so far. Powerful, hardhitting, beautiful imagery and so much emotion that's it's almost overwhelming, with each line read I can feel my heart dropping a little more.

"They say love is Eternal.

but,
how Eternity looks like?
Will I ever know? "

^^What a beautiful way to wrap this piece up, bittersweet, moving and touching, really tugs on the reader's heartstrings while the emotion here is incredible.

Beautiful writing.

Clarity (7)
by JENNI

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-11

"As I wandered downstream in my raft
I listened closely to the sound of the water
Pattering against the rocks, against the bank
So calm, so peaceful, so alive."

^^I really enjoyed the imagery that you created within these lines, beautifully written and it painted some very vivid pictures in my mind, hooking me into the piece.

"I catch my hand in its meager wrinkles
Feeling it dance between my fingers
Stroking them together in circular motions
As its iciness runs through my frame."

^^I'm finding this piece to become stronger and stronger throughout, with each line better than the one before, and I'm really enjoying the imagery as I go along, while the flow is faultless.

"I began to wonder numerous thoughts
As to where the rainwater had been afore
I wondered where it has yet to travel
And where it will compose a new shape."

^^Favourite stanza so far, I found this to be very thought provoking, and both original and unqiue in concept.

"Lifes precious gifts are to often gone unnoticed
By day to day anguish, strife, and engagements
To step back for an instant and observe
Would bring such clarity and hope back into life. "

^^What a truly beautiful way to end this piece, again I found this stanza to be thought provoking and moving, and it's certainly something that makes the reader think, and will stay with them for a while.

I really enjoyed this.

Drunk In Public (12)
by Cyber Saiyan

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-09

"Another birthday has rolled around
But this year, it's the big three - oh
You decided you wanted a big night out
And planned out where you wanted to go."

^^I think this would flow better if you changed the last line to:

"And planned out where to go"

"First we hit our local bar
Followed by three or four more
Two in the morning quickly arrives
And everyone stumbles out the door.

Laughing and yelling, enjoying our buzz
As we stumble into the street
We were drunk about twelve beers ago
And trip over each others feet."

^^I didn't like that you used stumble in both of these verses, maybe find a synomn(sp?) for it?

"Sitting on the curb as the crowd thins out
We decide to take a quick stroll
Still stumbling and fumbling like a newborn dear
I run directly into the nearest light pole.

As my vision returns and my head stops throbbing
We rest on the corner of the block
Wanting this to truly be a night to remember
Your hand suddenly starts rubbing on my cock."

^^Again maybe find a synomn (sp?) for stumbling, as I'm finding that you're overusing it and it's spoiling the piece for me as I go along.

"Leaning against the wall
I stumble forward for a kiss
But with three faces in front of my drunken eyes
I aim for the wrong one and nearly miss."

^^This stanza made me laugh, as it's something many can relate to, including myself, and you captured the affects of alcohol very well here =)

"With your panting chest to the wall
And your naked ass grinding against my meat
Sweat drips from my flush red face
And splattering against the concrete.

While trying to turn you around
You relentlessly seem to resist
You lust for my love, right here and now
Our bodies positioned just like this.

Quickly focusing on the moment
Giving it all my concentration
Sliding your legs a little further apart
And preparing for full penetration."

^^I found the imagery in these stanzas to be beautifully portrayed, creating vivid images for me in my mind as I read further along.

"Rolling my hips around in a circle
Like playing with an invisible hula-hoop
Making sure to hit that special spot inside
As whispers spread throughout the on-looking group."

^^I liked how you brought the others back into it, as I was reading I thought that you'd forgotten about them as you went along and was pleased to see that you hadn't.

"Twisting my body while pinching your nipples
With your hands banging on the brick wall
Your moaning increases as sweat spots my skin
Our audience in now in awe."

^^in-is?

"Your bliss is still obvious by the look on your face
As you slowly stand straight up tall
Looking like an elderly lady trying to straighten her back
Still leaning against the brick wall.

Realizing that twenty people just watched us
You quickly cover your engorged intimate lips
Readjusting your panties to cover them up
And pulling your jeans up over your hips."

^^As I read more of your work, I have to say that you certainly have a way with imagery, and I found these two stanzas to be beautifully portrayed.

"Buttoning your pants and looking back at me
I can't seem to find my pants
I think someone ran off with them
When we were locked in our euphoric romance."

^^The second and third line made me smile, I enjoyed the touch of humor here, however I didn't like that you used "I" at the start of the second and third line, it threw the flow a little for me.

"Waiting for things to return to normal size
And then tying a jacket around my waist
The group of supporters has dissolved into the night
But I can still enjoy the look of joy on your face.

We're a good distance from home
And still no freaking taxi in site
A long walk waits so we better get going
I hope you enjoyed your night. "

^^Beautiful way to wrap up this piece, I enjoyed the passion, longing and emotion you portrayed throughout this piece.

Colored Pencil Love (23)
by LifesALovePoem

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-29

"She takes her stubby pencil of red,
desperatley tries to show the tears she shed.
But the pencil shatters against her will,
the tears in her eyes just don't seem to spill."

^^ I love these opening lines, so much depth and emotion that I'm instantly drawn into the piece while the imagery is creating vivid pictures in my mind. However I found the flow on the second line to be slightly of, maybe try without "the", so that you have :

She takes her stubby pencil of red,
desperatley tries to show tears she shed.

"So she grabs another pencil thats bright yellow,
her eyes bright and mellow.
The greens and blues explode across the page,
the colors turning into a stage."

^^Favourite part so far, I adore the imagery you create in these lines.

"Two young people stand at the edge,
their hands held together in a quiet pledge.
Eyes so quiet they bind in the light,
two more wandering souls finally unite."

^^I'm finding this piece to become stronger and stronger throughout and as I'm nearing the end of the piece, I really don't want it to end, I find the last line here just beautiful, it's so sweet and tugs on the heartstrings, leaving me with all the "mushy" feelings asscoiated with love.

"Colors spill across the paper,
the tears in her eyes turning to vapor.
Her mouth turns up in a smile,
her lover standing ahead in the aisle. "

^^Ahhhhhy. Beautiful way to wrap this piece up! I liked how the start of the piece was filled with so much melancholy and it ended on such a happy note, it made for a great transisition and made the closing lines even more strong.

Beautiful.

In The Eyes Of A Soldier (Collab Part 1) (16)
by Italian Stallion

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-29

"At eighteen years of age,
Contemplating the possibilities.
Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
Even though all the hostilities?"

^^ I adore theswe opening lines, thought provoking and moving and pulls me right into the piece.

"A young man in the making,
Fighting undenying fears
To leave his home, a practical undertaking,
While patriotism is the thought that will sear."

^^I'm not to sure on this stanza..the piece starts of incredibly strong and this stanza seems to become a little weaker than what I was expecting.

"Military officers await ahead.
Slowly striding down the road,
Wearing white, blue and red
While whistling our national ode.

To defend our national homeland,
Where with our brethren he will part,
To warfare on the great white sands
As patriot, his destiny he will chart."

^^favourite stanzas so far. The flow here is flawless, words just roll right of the tongue, imagery is beautifully painted creating such vivid pictures in my mind and the emotion and depth is overwhelming.

"Basic training now in store,
And soon flying to harms way.
Fellow soldiers must rapport,
United as one we'll never betray.

A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
Enlaiden with future remiss
His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
The love of his other he lacks."

^^ This is more like it =) I'm finding this piece to become stronger and stronger throughout now, and the emotion here pulls on the heartstrings, and I can't wait to continue on.

"15th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Battalion
Camouflaged in hiding behind enemy lines.
Shots flying past, as I run like a wild stallion
Watching out for those dirty hidden mines.

His boots worn from too many miles
Memories of home burning through his mind,
So many laughs and smiles.
His heart and family across Atlantic bind."

^^ Ohhhh, these stanzas brought tears to my eyes..the depth here is incredible and as I'm halfway through the entry requirements for the army myself, this creates such conflicting emotions for me.

"Seeking shelter under fire,
Penetrating echos of fallen shells.
A distant home we'll soon acquire
Six insurgents, should we repel? "

^^Love this closing, I liked how you left it open for the reader to take any way they wanted, and found this to be a beautiful way to wrap up this piece.

You can always tell when a collab is good when you can't tell who wrote what as is the case here, and once I get some more free time, I'll certainly be reading the other installments of this.

Beautiful work!

In The Eyes of a Soldier Pt.1 (7)
by Steven Topaz

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-29

"At eighteen years of age,
Contemplating the possibilities.
Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
Even though all the hostilities?"

^^ I adore theswe opening lines, thought provoking and moving and pulls me right into the piece.

"A young man in the making,
Fighting undenying fears
To leave his home, a practical undertaking,
While patriotism is the thought that will sear."

^^I'm not to sure on this stanza..the piece starts of incredibly strong and this stanza seems to become a little weaker than what I was expecting.

"Military officers await ahead.
Slowly striding down the road,
Wearing white, blue and red
While whistling our national ode.

To defend our national homeland,
Where with our brethren he will part,
To warfare on the great white sands
As patriot, his destiny he will chart."

^^favourite stanzas so far. The flow here is flawless, words just roll right of the tongue, imagery is beautifully painted creating such vivid pictures in my mind and the emotion and depth is overwhelming.

"Basic training now in store,
And soon flying to harms way.
Fellow soldiers must rapport,
United as one we'll never betray.

A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
Enlaiden with future remiss
His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
The love of his other he lacks."

^^ This is more like it =) I'm finding this piece to become stronger and stronger throughout now, and the emotion here pulls on the heartstrings, and I can't wait to continue on.

"15th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Battalion
Camouflaged in hiding behind enemy lines.
Shots flying past, as I run like a wild stallion
Watching out for those dirty hidden mines.

His boots worn from too many miles
Memories of home burning through his mind,
So many laughs and smiles.
His heart and family across Atlantic bind."

^^ Ohhhh, these stanzas brought tears to my eyes..the depth here is incredible and as I'm halfway through the entry requirements for the army myself, this creates such conflicting emotions for me.

"Seeking shelter under fire,
Penetrating echos of fallen shells.
A distant home we'll soon acquire
Six insurgents, should we repel? "

^^Love this closing, I liked how you left it open for the reader to take any way they wanted, and found this to be a beautiful way to wrap up this piece.

You can always tell when a collab is good when you can't tell who wrote what as is the case here, and once I get some more free time, I'll certainly be reading the other installments of this.

Beautiful work!

Shadows like Statues (10)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-29

"Nocturnal captivation turns to stone,
sleepwalking,
shadows, like demons, chain the heart;
a martyr to my eyes, "

^^ I adore these opening lines, beautifully detailed and so much emotion and depth in few words that I'm instantly pulled into the piece.

"restlessly you fear
ammunition of the words which my tears
just cannot repaint with vermilion sensations."

^^I love the emotion in these lines, as I continue reading I can feel this pulling at the heartstrings.

"Nothing's good enough for your crucifixion,
so I'm chasing the syllables unspoken
in the need of a way with words
to shatter those pallid arteries of yours."

^^I love this...I found this stanza to hold as much power as the rest of the piece put together and the depth here was incredible.

"Aimlessly,
I swear
apologies can't glue the pieces back together."

^^Favourite lines so far. Simple yet meaningful and so much meaning in so few words.

"Succumbing to amber allure of the insomnia,
serpentine hallucinations spread venomous wings,
all over again,
across the oceanic longings;
paralyzed, shadows seem like statues,
giving birth to constellations of blank pages."

^^I frikken love the imagery you painted here, beautifully detailed and creates such striking pictures in my mind that it's like I can -see- everything that you're describing.

"Honestly,
I've never
kissed you in my dreams."

^^Nyell...ahhhh! What can I possibly say to explain how much I love these closing lines?! I thought this was a beautiful way to wrap up this elegant piece, powerful, intense and something that will stay with me.

The flow throughout this piece is beautiful, absoloutely flawless, the words just roll right of the tongue and that mixed with such beautiful content, imagery and wording made for one hell of a read.

Could you do it? (1)
by xxSTARSxx

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-29

"If I asked you to,
Could you look at me
and truthfully tell me
that I am your only love?

Could you explain why
You are physically attracted to me
Using romantic words
Instead of vulgar sexual phrases?"

^^ I really liked these opening lines, simple yet meaningful and something many people will be able to relate to, particularly the opening stanza.

"If I asked you to
Explain to me all of the reasons
why you love me,
Would there be more than twenty?

Have you ever considered
shining the light on me
instead of always pushing me
down into the darkness?"

^^ I like how you're asking a different question within each stanza, and leaving it open for the respons, it's making for a good affect on the piece.

"Say you had to live one day
not saying a single negative thing
to or about me
would you have to become a mute?

I know you like to poke fun at me
But it's gone way too far
It makes me hurt, though I hide it with a laugh
If I asked you to stop, could you keep your mouth shut?"

^^Favourite stanzas of the piece. The fact that in the previous stanzas you were asking about love, and then in these two switched to the fact that he/she is hurting you more than they know made for a powerful transistion and I thought the closing line made for a powerful ending.

The only thing I didn't like in this was the constant use of fillers you used (I< and, you etc) try eliminating some of those and you'll find it to flow so much better.

Empty Promises (20)
by Faithless

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-29

"Promises made up of empty words
Trust betrayed by lines and verse
Precious moments couldn't be reverse
Life seems like a never ending curse"

^^Reverse-reversed.

I love this opening stanza, straight from the start there's so much depth and emotion that I'm instantly pulled into the piece.

"Time slips away, couldn't be caught
Buses and trains provide my transport
Your plane takes off from the airport
Unspoken words unable to teleport"

^^I love the imagery in this stanza, it creates such vivid pictures in my mind that it's like I can -see- everything that you're describing.

"Clouds fills with rain and thunder
Thoughts of closeness only drift us further
Hopes for sweetness only proves bitter
Changing season calls for surrender"

^^I was thrown hjere because in the previous stanzas there's a fixed rhyme scheme and here there isn't one, and it threw the flow a little for me.

"Heart useless clutching on for years
Dark rings circling eyes full of tears
Longing and waiting but you never appeared
Fate's interpretations remains unclear"

^^Favourite stanza so far. The depth and emotion within these lines is incredible and creates so many emotions for me.

"Living life without a purpose nor a goal
Orange summer turns winter cold
Have sympathy for this tired soul
Fore you have left me a burning hole "

^^Beautiful way to end this piece, filled with such melancholy yes, but nevertheless beautifully written.

I really enjoyed this.

Her First Rape (51)
by RainHidesTearsNotRedFaces

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-29

"I want him to stop but he just keeps hurting
I guess it's my fault, I was kind of flirting
"Please let me go" I'm scared and I'm pleading
But only because I can feel myself bleeding"

^^This opening stanza is incredible..I have been through this many years ago and the feeling of finding it to be your own fault is something you've captured amazingly well here.

" know she likes it, even if she's crying
No means yes "You like it I know you're lying"
I thrust a little harder and push deeper in
I can feel her bleeding I moan and I grin

Why is he smiling? Doesn't he know my pain?
How could I enjoy it? What could I have to gain?
My tears mix with the rain and the cement is cold
Circulation is cut off in my wrists from his hold"

^^I'm finding this piece to become stronger and stronger throughout and with each new piece of imagery you create I can feel myself tearing up.

"Why is she crying? Can't she admit she wants me?
What's her problem? She should have to plea
I could let go of her wrists and follow her requests
Then I would be able to massage her breasts

Whatever, it's useless he's already won
What more could he do, since it's already done
My body is numbing, my blood is freezing
The pain doesn't seem that bad, it's easing"

^^..this is making me cry, the feeling of hopelessness and despair and then slowly becoming numb is something you've again managed to capture very well.

"She's so hot, and I want to hear her moan
I push a little harder so she can feel my bone
"You like that, baby? Is this what you like?"
Let me make her love men and not be a dike

He pushes in harder and thrusts another time
I can feel him cum and it feels like slime
"You got what you wanted! Now let me go"
He won't leave he won't get off I already know"

^^I found these two stanzas to be incredibly strong and filled with so much emotion and depth that at times it's was overwhelming.

"She wasn't my first, nor is she my last
I can easily forget her, she's already my past
It's something she'll never be able to erase
She can never forget me, she'll remember my face"

^^ I don't even know what to say about this stanza..the truth behind these words is captured so vividly, and though the pain eventaully lessends it's something you'll always live with.

"I can feel my blood, please do it fast
He is my first, but I hope not my last
But hey that's okay because it doesn't bother me
Why would I care if my soul is not free

I pull out of her and take my hands off her wrists
She pushes me away and I hit her with my fists
I stand and pull up my pants and grab my shirt
I walk down the alley and leave her to hurt"

^^The imagery in these is incredible, it creates such vivid pictures in my mind for me as the reader and is bringing alot of dark memories back, tearing at the heartstrings.

"I can't get up it hurts to much I'm frozen numb
What am I supposed to do now, I'm scum
I have no where to go, but I pull up my skirt
I put on my sweater and walk with the hurt "

^^I found this an incredible way to end this piece, the feeling of being lost with noone to turn to, not knowing how to deal with the hurt, again feeling like it's your own fault, you capture this so well within this stanza and it makes for a powerful ending.

I liked how you alternated from the rapist to the victim throughout the poem, it made for a powerful transisition.

Though difficult for me to read at times, you've managed to take a tragic subject and turn it into beautiful writing.

I'm not sure if this is fiction or your reality, but feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk.

I'm not kidding a fool, but only a believer (5)
by simplyfrigid

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-27

"Lost love? Please, that's not what this is about.
I'm searching for true love, not dreading my past."

^^ I adore these opening lines, I find them original because of the fact straight away you show you're moving on from the past, you haven't let it defeat you in anway and you're still searching, which to me shows courage, and pulls me into the poem.

"My mother, she watches me daily - oh boy.
How I dread her eyes following me, as if I'm a toy.

I'm looking around to see what I see,
but what I'm blinded by, I know it can't be"

^^ I found the first two lines here to be a little weaker than the start which put me of a little but on the following two lines I found it to become stronger again, the other thing I wasn't sure of was that in the opening lines there is no rhyme while there is here and it messed the flow up for me a little.

"The kid that I knew back in my day,
ten years old in that pool, not knowing what to say.

He was there through everything,
until we moved too far away."

^^ I really liked these lines because of the emotion and depth you managed to portray throughout them.

"At an age like that, contact is rare.
Seeing him again, I can't help but stare

His hair has grown, he's even got some facial.
But this line between us, seems a bit spatial."

^^ I love this, because it always hurts when people grow apart and you're not quite sure why, and still hoping for things to be rectified and you show that well heree.

"I beg you oh Lord, please let him know me ..
That smile, oh that smile, I can tell that he does

And, that's the story that ended my search,
but a few years later we married in a classical church"

^^One of my favourite parts of the piece. The emotion, depth and feeling, beautiful imagery and beautiful flow..just perfect.

"You know who I'm kidding though? Don't you dear reader -
I'm not kidding a fool, but only a believer"

^^Favourite part. These closing lines are just..wow. Hard hitting, emotional, bittersweet...you manage to pack it all in in so few words and I had to read this part quite a few times I loved it so much. Beautiful way to wrap this piece up.

The only thing I wasn't overly keen on in this piece was the rhyme scheme as it seemed to switch around quite a bit.

That being said, I really like this.

Endless Figures. (2)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-27

""Beautiful hearts drawn with a sturdy red pencil
for months a romantic shed her every feeling"

^^ I adore these opening lines, you manage to pack in so much depth and emotion within so few words that I'm instantly pulled right into the piece and can't wait to continue reading.

"Smiles followed these shapes until the paper
was a solid color, devotion spoke through.
Meaning became evident, there was a reason
for these endless figures, love embraced her."

^^ I find this to be the strongest part of the poem. The depth and ekotion you portray here is incredible while the imagery is beautifully created, it paints such vivid pictures in my mind.

"Today she tries to pick that same pencil up
and inject more passion, yet it shatters.
Broken, impossible to sharpen one last time,
the divine love once engraved now bleeds,"

^^ I'm finding this piece to get better and better as I go along, and I love how to start with the piece was happy and you switched so suddenly to melancholy, it made for a powerful transistion.

"she's hopeless as her misty eyes release
teardrops, staining her heart with anguish."

^^ I'm not to sure on these for the closing lines..they seem to be weaker than the rest of the poem which is incredibly strong throughout.

I love the flow in this piece, absolutely flawless, the words just rolled right of the tongue.

On the whole, I really enjoyed this.

Forever's Obsession (18)
by Faithless

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-27

"Measurements of desired dimension
Fairy tales plays magical illusion
Fulfilling my everyday addiction
Mind held captive in my own prison"

^^ I frikken adore this opening, so much depth and emotion and such beautifully portrayed imagery that I'm pulled right into the piece and can't wait to continue reading.

"Facing life's trials and tribulation
Drowned within my own delusion
Creating a world of perfection
With a twist of my mind's version"

^^ I'm finding this piece to become better and better as I go along, the depth in this stanza is incredible and tugs on the heartstrings of the reader.

"Lingering around my distraction
Escapade to an exotic location
controlling all weathers and seasons
Within my own works of fiction

Movement lose it's function
Life's unregretful decision
Choosing daily hallucination
Stuck in dreams never to be waken"

^^Favourite part of the poem. These stanzas hold almost as much power as the rest of the poem put together and blew me away.

"Love letters left unwritten
Sleeping into the deep blue ocean
Journey through forever's obsession
Pills overtakes my confession "

^^What a beautiful closing! I find alot of poems that are strong throughout to become weak within the closing lines, but that definitely isn't the case here, I found this stanza to be hard hitting and powerful and certainly something that will stay with me for a while.

My favourite part of this was the flow, absoloutely flawless, the words just rolled right of the tongue while the imagery portrayed throughout created such striking pictures in my mind.

The imagery, the flow, the content and vocab, it all melts together to create a beautiful read.

The Grand Old Man Piano lullaby (13)
by Quietly Versed

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-27

"In the twilight of tranquility,
You may hear his tune,
As the stars shine bright struck by the moon."

^^ I think it would flow better if you had this as

In the twilight of tranquility you may hear his tune,
As the stars shine bright struck by the moon.

or

In the twilight of tranquility,
You may hear his tune,
As the stars shine bright
struck by the moon.

"The ghost of the piano,
Old Man Tolbert they call him by day,
The fireflies give light to his harmonious parade"

^^ I love the imagery you portray in this verse, it creates such beautiful pictures in my mind.

"And the pond waters ripple,
As to soften the mood,
When the Phantom fingers his Ivory prelude"

^^The only thing I didn't like about this was the fillers at the start, maybe try :

pond waters ripple,
As to soften the mood,
When the Phantom fingers
his Ivory prelude

"The sky sprinkled night soft with dew,
Almost as the earth does cry,
To the Grand old man piano lullaby.

The wise trees give offerings,
The wind brings them to show,
Hallowed with crimson leaves lain in his shadow.

The moths upon his tattered suit,
Like dancers fly and flutter by,
With melodious alteration revel to become butterflies"

^^Favourite stanzas of the piece. The emotion and depth you manage to portray in these stanzas is incredible while the imagery keeps on getting better throughout.

"When all is silent you can hear the wail,
From the widower upon his rotted seat,
And the tapping of her headstone pedaled by his feet.

And if you seek the sound of life,
You can find it amid the summer night,
The Old Man, a baby grand, and the somber of his graveyard light"

^^What a beautiful way to end this moving piece! I find alot of poems to become weaker as they come to the closing lines but this is a beautiful way to wrap up such an elegant and pretty piece.

To Let Go, To Hold On (Collab with Man of Steel) (6)
by xXBlack RoseXx

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-27

"I'm lost in this world without you
And the days go by and it seems like years
And all this time passing
You would think it would surly dry these tears"

^^ Surly-surely

I liked this opening as there was emotion within the written lines however I didn't like that you used fillers straight from the start, maybe try eliminating some of them, and it will flow even better.

"But gravity seems to claim
All these tears that have fallen through the years
It kills to know the way we had to let it go
To lose you is to to never love again"

^^Beautiful stanza! The emotion and depth in this stanza is incredible, really touching and heartfelt and tugs on the readers heartstrings.

"Reminiscing of once a peaceful time
I can feel your warm gentle touch
Caressing my body with love
I never thought that I'd miss you this much"

^^The constant use of "I" threw me a little, maybe :

Reminiscing of once a peaceful time
Feeling your warm gentle touch
Caressing my body with love
Never thought that I'd miss you this much

"Starting to feel the way we hate
And hate the way we feel
Falling further from each other
Falling in love was so surreal

But now that it's gone
It will never be the same
I gasped it all in
At night I still call your name "

^^favourite stanzas of the piece so far. The emotion and depth in these two stanzas alone is almost as powerful as the rest of the piece put together, it always hurts when something ends and you portray that well here.

"How do You,
How do I,
How do We,
Keep our love from falling out of Reach"

^^I was thrown here because so far there has been a fixed rhyme scheme and all of a sudden there's none at all, and it throws the flow majorly.

"And I just want you back
But I know we have to be strong
And when times get to hard to handle,
we have to remember for each other we have to hold on"

^^ I found the flow to be of in this stanza. Maybe :

"All I want is to have you back
But I know that we have to be strong
And when times get to hard to handle,
Remember for each other we're holdin on

or something along those lines, it's mostly just the last line that needs fixing up a little.


"I wish I could capture our Love in this moment
I pray that this rain won't wash it all away
Memories that you and I've made is the only safe place
We'll Guard them forever our memories our hearts treasures"

^^ Love the imagery in this stanza.

"I'd give my all
to take it back
That awful word "goodbye"
In my heart, your something that I lack"

^^Again I found the flow in the last line to be of, maybe try shortening it to match the other syllable count?

"I hate what I've done
By not letting go I've hurt "my only one"
And hurting the one I love, + you
Its a place I will not go
anymore:...."

^^I'm not to sure on this closing, the fact that every other stanza is four lines while this is five throws the flow of, maybe try adding more to make it into two stanzas?

That being said, I really enjoyed this.

Presidential (5)
by Steven Topaz

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-23

"As white doves fly over a patriotic nation,
The crowd looking up, recognizing King's Salvation,
He will dissect this country through precise Mutilation,
And put us back together as a much better nation"

..I LOVE this opening, beautifully written, so much striking imagery that it's like I can -see- what you're describing, and there's so much emotion that I'm instantly pulled into the piece.

"His words echoed, world atoned.
Words so great, rattle the bone.
His hand in the air,memories sewn.
Thanks to a change, this nation to be honed."

^^I found the flow in the last line to be -slightly- of, maybe try it so you have:

Thanks to change, nation to be honed.

"Strolling Carelessly, Through the cold frigid night,
The children of a hero, Tucked safely out of sight.
It's been one day and this whole nation still sore
We can thank that someone brave to fight the greatest war"

^^ I found the depth in this stanza to be incredible, and so moving that it brought out so many emotions for me as the reader. However some of the fillers threw the flow a little at times, maybe :

Strolling Carelessly, Through the cold frigid night,
Children of a hero, Tucked safely out of sight.
It's been one day and this whole nation still sore
Thank that someone brave to fight the greatest war

"Not the Taliban, or oil price
or the battle against the ice.
But the war that has never stopped, here in our own nation,
In my opinion, Screw the racists, here comes your salvation"

^^Try eliminating "the" in the closing line, it seems to flow better that way..that being said..holy crap, I love this ending, powerful hard hitting, and a beautiful way to wrap up this elegant piece.

Engage (12)
by Steven Topaz

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-23

"Hearts held high,
Only omniscient of obituaries
Kisses kept
Through the thoughts
Except exempt extraordinaries"

^^This is beautiful..the imagery you portray in this stanza creates such vivid images for me as the reader, and the emotion and depth pulls on the heartstrings, leading me right into the piece.

"Hands held higher,
Standing strong, so surreal
With wisdom
Caring, Caressing
Kneel.

Looking limp,
Being broken
Wishes woven
Through tears, thus this token
Seconds slipping, Seeing it soak in."

^^Favourite part of the poem, simply because you switch from something so strong, filled with determination to something sad and filled with hopelessness, and it makes for a powerful transistion.

"Embrace, Engage
Not a single war to wage.
Love a battle, I will never have to brave,
It's your hand and my love that I want to save,

Forever.
And always
Til death do us part.. "

What a beautiful way to end this piece, the emotion and depth shine through the written words and make for beautiful reading.

I really liked the alliteration used throughout and found the flow to be flawless.

Beautiful work.

Finger Painting (13)
by The Bird and the Worm

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-23

"Kneeling on a brown stool, slouching slightly,
Apple red curls bouncing off her blue dress.
Deep green eyes jaunty, a heart so genial,
Her tiny hands gingerly painting a masterpiece"

^^ I adore this opening stanza, the imagery you portray is beautifully done, it creates such striking visuals in my mind and I really liked the last line, as the reader I want to find out what she's painting, instantly leaving me hooked.

"Two fingers orange, three fingers purple,
Creating divergent lines on cream paper.
Glancing up to catch her teacher's eye,
She receives a heartfelt smile of wonder"

^^Again, I adore the imagery you paint within this piece. I enjoyed this stanza, I find it to be very serene, and the last line made me myself smile as well.

"More fingers swim gleefully in the rainbow sea,
Then find their way hastily back to dry land.
Adding elaborate patterns one by one,
Paint splashing and veering left and right.

A lively laugh echoes through the classroom,
Enlightening every ear that happens to hear it.
For nothing could measure the amount of fun,
She was experiencing through finger painting."

^^Favourite stanzas so far. I'm still amazed at how striking the imagery is throughout, it's almost like I can -see- everything that you're describing throughout.

"Hands sticky, and face smeared with green paint,
A satisfied sigh escapes from her shining lips.
Wishing for the clock to just sit and stop,
But alas, good times must come to an end.

"A job well done," her teacher calls out,
"What exuberant colors and creativity!"
The little girl's heart soars many feet above,
As she leaves her table, her head up high. "

^^What a beautiful way to close this piece! I really enjoyed the closing lines, it made me feel all content, I found the idea behind the poem to be both original and unique in concept and it made for a refreshing read.

The flow was flawless throughout, and that mixed with the content, the imagery, it all melted together to create a beautiful write and a beautiful read.

I Survived You (16)
by Side Effects

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-23

"Never been one to show an overwhelming level of maturity
I guess I am not a good example of grace
Was not ever a person in fine standing
I lost it every time I seen his face"

^^ I love this opening, the depth and emotion shine through the written words and instantly have me hooked. However I think it would sound better if you changed "seen" to "saw" in the last line, and I also don't think you need the first "I" in the secdond line or the last line, it seems to flow better without them.

"Unable to show a sufficient amount of discretion
I was a laughing stock of sorts
Entertainment for the masses
A story baring all warts"

^^Try eliminating the "I" in the second line, again it flows better that way.

"I became a constant embarrassment to myself
I heard I was the butt of their joke when they made fun
I had no choice but to take responsibility
I cannot hate him for wanting to turn and run"

^^I really liked this stanza, the emotion here is almost overwhelming and tugs on the heartstrings, however I found that you repeated "I" to much, maybe:

"Became a constant embarrassment to myself
Heard I was the butt of their joke when they made fun
No choice but to take responsibility
Cannot hate him for wanting to turn and run"

"But I can question where was his compassion?
Where was his ability to see past their gossip and talk?
I was left speechless
As he was so quick to squawk"

^^I didn't like this stanza simply because I found the flow to be terribly of here, and the use of "squawk" didn't really fit to me, it seemed like you only used it because it rhymed.

"And of course no-one believed me
They said it was infatuation and nothing more
I had to just take it
But inside I knew it was love for sure"

^^Favourite stanza so far, I find it to hold almost as much power as the rest of the piece put together and so many people will be able to relate.

"So I faced every impossibility you could think of
And it caused a sense of depression in my heart
Yet somewhere down the road was a line
It marked a brand new start"

^^I like this stanza because you switch from despair to determination to continue fighting and it made for a powerful transition, however I found the flow in the last line to be of, maybe try mixing it up a little?

"It is never easy when you love someone
Moving on is motion you do not realize you are in
And it is hard when you look back
Especially when you have a new chance to begin"

^^Other favorutie stanza of the piece, I frikken ADORE the last line here.

"It leaves you so unsure
Is it right to carry on your life with someone knew you see
Well I cannot speak for you
But it was right for me"

Knew-new

I found the flow to be shaky in the last line here, maybe:

But I'm certain it was right for me.

"And I guess you can say I learned the hard way about love
It took time to get through
Yet for every feeling of regret I have a feeling of happy too
I reap in satisfaction that after years can look at him and say "It is true
I never thought I could but survived loving you""

The fact that the rest of the stanzas were four lines while this was five threw me of, it seemed like you wanted to end it a certain way and you tried squeesing everything into together, maybe try shortening it, or adding a little more and making it into two stanzas, it would most likely make the flow here far better as well.

I absolutely love the last line, very powerful and hardhitting and a beautiful way to wrap up this moving piece.

Mirror of the Past pt.2 (13)
by Steven Topaz

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-13

Okay..can I just say..I LOVE this.

I found the content and concept to be original and unique, and I was hooked throughout the poem.

"May it be a task as to forgive,
Something so hard makes it easy to live.

Jesus himself forgiver of Sin.
Being so righteous, got himself done in"

^^ Wonderful opening lines, interesting, thought provoking, full of depth and emotion, wonderful way to hook your reader right from the start!

"Our own blood smears the mirror of past.
Ignorance forever staining our once untainted glass"

^^ I found the flow to be a little of here, maybe eliminate the our, so you have:

"Ignorance forever staining once untainted glass"

It seems to flow better for me that way.

"Faith dependent on heartless reactions,
Forgiving dependent on harmless actions.

Our world so cold and filled with hatrid.
Forgiving and loving, a remedy so sacred"

^^ This piece gets stronger and stronger throughout, and I actually don't want to stop reading I'm enjoying it so much.

"Wars of the world echo through time.
Breaking the glass held by only I"

^^ I think this would flow better if you changed it round so you had:

"Breaking the glass only held by I"
"They left me weak, But I will still stand strong.
Fighting so bravely, Do NOTHING wrong."

^^ I think if you changed the "do" to "doing" the flow would be flawless here.

"For as one slip, One miss, just one more sin.
Will break my last mirrior, held so closely within.

And as the shards will shred through my heart,
The world will also begin to fall apart."

^^Favourite lines of the poem. So much emotion and depth, so much power, and beautiful imagery.

"For as if the world were to live in the past.
The pain and suffering would also, Forever last"

^^ I really like these closing lines, a beautiful way to finish up this poem.

Barriers Between (17)
by SiLeNtLy ScReAmInG

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-13

"The heart grows heavy,
With tears I'm holding back,
Overwhelming, they spill out,
Strength is what I lack"

^^What a beautiful opening! Oh dear lord, I really don't know what to say about this stanza, except it hits close to home, and I love the depth and emotion in these opening lines.

"Remembering gets hard sometimes,
It hurts to make it through,
It's not easy to see and believe,
That all your words were true.

You always said it's what you needed,
Only asked I do my best to try,
I was to strive for happiness,
Because you said there'd be no need to cry"

^^I think the last line would flow better with something like:
Said there'd be no need to cry.

I find these stanzas to be incredibly strong, it always hurts when you realize that someone has changed, that the words they said are no longer valued or meant and you do such a wonderful job at portraying that here.

"You promised you'd always be here,
Staying right by my side,
Convinced me our bond could never be broken,
And when I needed, your arms would open wide."

^^ I frikken adore the last line on this stanza, I find it to be one of the best lines of the piece.

"But now that things have run their course,
It feels like you're so far away,
I open my mouth to try and talk to you,
But I'm not sure what I should say"

^^ I found the flow on the last line to be of a little, maybe something like:
But I'm not sure what to say

Again, you have such a way with words, I love how you show that you're trying to communicate but you're not sure how to, again something many can relate to.

"I love you and I miss you,
With all that's in my heart,
You were always a dear friend,
I thought nothing could keep us apart."

^^ I don't think you need the "I" in the last line, it broke the flow for me. I'm not to sure on this stanza..it just seems weaker to me whereas the rest of the piece is incredibly strong.

"But this distance that's between us,
Makes things so hard to bare,
This line that we can't cross,
Keeps me here and you there"

^^ I didn't like the flow on the last line, it just didn't seem to go for me..but I'm out of ideas for this one so ignore me =D

"Everything has gotten so messed up,
And my tears refuse to be dried,
My world's been hard to keep together,
Since the night that you died.

I just wish I could see you,
To know you're here watching over me,
To make us close again like we once were,
Rather than a distant faded memory."

^^ Kris..you brought tears to my eyes..this is so sad, the melancholy and heartache in these stanzas is overwhelming and tears me up.

I adore this.

Flawed Masquerade (27)
by SiLeNtLy ScReAmInG

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-11

"I'm trying to hold it together,
Letting the cold numb flood my veins,
This lack of feeling, my protection,
Against the darkness that reigns"

^^ Such a moving opening, I love the meotion in these opening lines, it really tugs on the heartstrings while simutaneously pulling me into the piece.

However I think it would sound better if you had numb cold, instead of cold numb. Just a suggestion.

"My heart, it's still beating,
Against this crushing ache,
I'm still here existing,
With my smile that's so fake"

^^ I adore this stanza..filled with so much despair and I like how you said exsisting not living, it shows that you're fed up with everything, that you have no hope left, and again the emotion is clearly visible through the written words.

"Another tear slowly forming,
Slipping silently down my cheek,
My mask of strength crumbling,
Revealing that I'm weak"

^^This brought tears to my eyes...so many people think that crying makes them weak and you portray that well within these few lines here.

"Just like the last time, I'm falling,
But trying once again to stand,
Slipping when I try to make it on my own,
Yet hesitant to reach out my trembling hand"

^^ I'm finding this to get better and better as I go along, I like this stanza because to me it shows hope mixed with despair and the transistion makes a powerful verse.

"Frightened of reaching out,
And finding only empty air,
Finally admitting I need help,
Then realizing no one's there"

^^Best stanza of the piece. Knowing that you need help but so terrified of not receiving it after you finally admit it is somethingt so many of us can relate to. You really have a way with words.

"And in the same moment, unwilling,
To be a burden to anyone around,
Maybe this time I should just stop trying,
Maybe I should just stay here on the ground."

^^ I love this ending, simply because throughout the piece there's always a little bit of hope, but that hope is no longer present in the closing lines, it shows finally giving up after so long of trying over and over, and makes for a hard hitting ending.

I really enjoyed this piece from you, the emotion and depth was astounding, and I thought the flow was beautiful throughout while the imagery you create throughout paints vivid pictures for your readers.

Whispered Rhymes on Ink Stained Pages (25)
by SiLeNtLy ScReAmInG

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-10

"Line after line, scrawled across the page in blue ink,
Words bleeding onto paper, describing a life that's on the brink,
The tears keep coming, the pen in her hand moves ever faster,
The letters become blurred, but the rhymes continue to grasp her"

^^ Beautiful, beautiful opening..however, I don't like the constant use of "the" ..maybe :

Tears keep coming, pen in her hand moves ever faster,
Letters become blurred, but rhymes continue to grasp her"

I don't think you need them and find it to flow better without them.

"The scratching noises of her pen, form a melody for only her to keep,
Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep,
And as she rests her tired eyes, the rhymes continue to whisper in her head,
Soothing her battered aching soul, washing away her fears and silent dread "

Another powerful and gripping stanza, I really liked this verse, the emotion and depth in these four lines is beautifully created and brought up so many conflicting emotions for me as the reader. However, again I noticed a few filler words which I thought spoiled the flow a little. Maybe :

Scratching noises of her pen, form a melody for only her to keep,
Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep,
As she rests her tired eyes, rhymes continue to whisper in her head,
Soothing her battered aching soul, washing away her fears and silent dread

"Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep"

^^ LOVE that line, that line made the whole verse for me.

"Then once again when the morning comes, she finds herself awake,
The words she's written, scribbles on paper, wondering if her life was a mistake,
She gathers the ink stained pages, strewn all across the floor,
She hides her words, her truths, and once again locks that emotional door"

For some reason I find the flow to be of on the second and fourth line here, maybe something like :

Then once again when the morning comes, she finds herself awake,
Words she's written, scribbles on paper, wondering if life was a mistake,
She gathers the ink stained pages, strewn all across the floor,
Hiding words, her truths, once again locking that emotional door

Or something along those lines.

However I really liked this verse, so many people put on a mask and pretend everything is okay when it isn't and you manage to capture that really well here.

"Washing the tear tracks from her cheeks, again she puts in place her iron mask,
Holding in her tears, hushing the whispered rhymes, she smiles so no one will think to ask,
No she's not okay, she doesn't know who she is, or what to do anymore,
But she has the lines and lines she writes, keeping her company lying on the floor"

^^ LOVE this stanza, my favourite so far. Such melancholy and filled with so much depth and emotion, and something so many writers can relate to which of course makes it all the more powerful.

"She keeps telling herself she'll be okay in the end, that things will get better soon,
Maybe it's all just in her head, and all she has to do is sing a different tune,
She struggles to write a different kind of line, with the rhymes that are always there,
The right words won't seem to form, so she takes her pen and writes "I'll be okay, I swear." "

^^ I really like the transistion here, throughout the piece it's all about despair and lies and yet here in this stanza even though there's still hints of sadness there's also possible hope, and I thought it made for a powerful affect.

In my opinion, one of your best.

Metamorphosis of a Breaking Heart (31)
by SiLeNtLy ScReAmInG

commented by xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-10

"Watch this heart shatter,
The broken pieces scatter,
From here, clear to there,
Watch my paper heart begin to tear"

^^ I don't think you need the word "the" in the seond line. However, I love this opening stanza, especially the paper heart line, as soon as the piece opens I can feel my emotions opening up.

"Watch my happy smile falter,
My facial expressions slowly alter,
The glimmer in my eyes fade to grey,
Ignore the tears I quickly brush away"

^^ I love this..the transistion in this stanza makes for a beautiful effect on the verse, and I like how you portray an act of happiness, so many people fake it, and you show that well within these lines.

"Listen to the words I speak,
Hear only the answers that you seek,
Turn away, turn your back,
Don't look at me, my world is going black.

Just stay away, don't turn around,
Don't see me fall, don't watch me drown,
Looking back is a waste of time,
In the end you were never mine."

^^ I adore these two stanzas, you portray such loss and emotion here, particuarly in the line of in the end you were never mine, it always hurts to realize that and that is beautifully shown in this part.

"No excuses, no more wasted words,
Tell your I'm sorry's to the birds,
Each one is empty, cold, and useless,
Without action, without feeling, meaningless.

Keep them to yourself, don't give them to me,
All along I said I was blind, but now I finally see,
It was the perfect lie, never actually true,
Guess I shouldn't have believed, not in you"

^^ The melancholy here is almost overwhelming...filled with such sadness and yet simutaneously so elegantly and beautifully written, and as I read each line I can feel my heart drop with sorrow as I get further along.

"Always expected the bomb to drop,
Anticipated the pain that'd make my heart stop,
Always said you'd leave me first,
Looks like worst did come to worst.

Lost my radiant sun, my forever light,
My world plunging deep into eternal night,
The tears, falling from my eyes like rain,
Keep your eyes averted, avoid seeing my pain"

^^ I find this to be exceptionally hard hitting, simply because you say how people can so blatantly ignore another's pain, and lack to care about it, I'm finding that this piece just gets better and better as I go along.

"Don't tell me that you still care, not anymore,
No more lies, I'm watching you break for the door,
Just turn and go away, have your happily ever after,
Let the wind blow me back wisps of care free laughter.

Just saying it for your benefit, don't worry I'll be alright,
Everyone tells me that I'm strong, that I have the will, the might,
Just have to make it through, time will help me heal,
But I'll tell you this too, you'll never understand the pain I feel"

^^ ...I'm speechless...what a beautiful way to end this moving and yet bittersweet piece, something that will certainly stay with the reader for a while.

"Just have to make it through, time will help me heal,
But I'll tell you this too, you'll never understand the pain I feel" "

^^ I really like these closing lines, I think the last line is easily my favourite line from the piece, so many people can relate to another not knowing how they feel and hiding it, pretending they are okay, myself included, and I think that's why it hit me so much.

However I don't think you need the "too" in this line, I find it to flow better without.

That being said, I really enjoyed this.

Silence the Innocence (10)
by SiLeNtLy ScReAmInG

commented by xJenni Mariex ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-08

"Hush little one, don't say a word,
It does no good to speak,
The world is full of monsters,
Nightmares preying on the weak."

^^I frikken love this opening stanza..so much depth and emotion in these opening lines that it instantly pulls me right into the piece.

"Just keep quiet, it'll all be over soon,
Not a soul has to know,
Let's just keep this a little secret,
Watch as fear and shame begin to grow."

^^ I thought these lines were beautifully done...after all, I'm sure many can relate to keeping something hidden and it slowly eating away at them inside, and noone ever being able to tell, and you portrayed that beautifully within this stanza here.

"Don't cry out, not one little sound,
Just say it isn't real,
Block out the memories,
Pretend there isn't anything to feel."

^^ I found the flow in the last line to be of on this..maybe try something like :
"Pretend there's nothing to feel?"

"Cover the scars, hide them well,
It's time to play a role,
Act as if it's all okay,
Nothing is taking its toll."

^^ Again I love how you portray the act that so many people put on throughout life..I find this to be filled with so much emotion and depth that it's slightly overwhelming at times.

"Hold on tight, don't lose your grip,
Tears can't be allowed to fall,
Keep the darkness in its place,
Or beg to lose it all. "

^^ Ahhh what a beautiful way to end this haunting piece..I found this closing stanza to be hard hitting and powerful, certainly something that will stay with the reader.

I really enjoyed this.

Puppet Fingers Run Across These Wrists (15)
by Zeenat

commented by xJenni Mariex ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-28

Well I'm assuming this is about cutting..if not then my entire comment will mean total garbage =D

"Innocence abducted by loves power,
Taking control of the enduring sin.
Like a tear falling down the eye,
Blood made love to the soft skin"

^^ Well...what can I say about the opening to this piece, other than that it's beautifully done? Right from the opening lines you create such elegant imagery, and that mixed with the melancholy yet beautiful writing pulls me right into the piece, and I adore the ending line, that's definitely a new way of looking at this subject.

"Carved deeply a time unspoken,
No one has heard this often cry.
Become a slave to the sharp owner,
Pain was released with a little sigh."

^^ Ahhhh, this is just getting better and better as it goes along. I love how you mentioned that no one has heard the "often cry" simply because of how true it is, there's so many people who hide it for so long and suffer in silence, and you manage to show that so well in few words with this stanza alone.

"Thoughts were erased from the mind,
It empowered the bodies every move.
A reflection of human harm was unseen,
A memory of failure was to be removed."

^^ Zee...this piece is making me wanna cry! You manage to put so much depth and emotion into this stanza that it's almost as powerful as the entire piece together. The only thing I didn't like was the use of "a" in the last two lines, cause I don't think it needs them..maybe just remove the a on the third line, and for the fourth, "memories of failure" or something along those lines? I just think it runs better. =)

"Tears shower down the rosy cheeks,
The feeling of the heart being whole.
Rest of the love remains a secret,
Addictive pain the humans die to control . "

^^Speechless...totally speechless....being a cutter for so many years in the past, this piece has really brought back some darker memories for me, reading through the piece it was like I was 13 years old again....

I love this piece. When I read poems on cutting I find some to be totally cliche, but this Zee...love it.

The imagery you placed throughout this, the depth and emotion, the content...it all melts together to create one hell of a piece.

I really don't know what else to say, except that you blew me away with this.

In my favourites.

Memories of You (3)
by xxSTARSxx

commented by xJenni Mariex ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-13

"I close my eyes...
visions of you
dance across
my blackened eyelids."

^^ I really like this opening, it pulls the reader in instantly along with having wonderful imagery right from the start and setting the tone for the piece.

"Sleep hits me
and I hope to fall
into a sanctuary
of false security
but it turns out
that all my dreams
are haunted by your
familiar, soothing face."

^^ I find this so incredibly sad...the longingness and melancholy really shine through the written words here, the pain so intense.

"You hold me
you kiss me
you tell me that you love me
just like all those times before.
But then you turn away.
I look at your face
your eyes are cold
your lips are pursed
your arms are crossed
and then you walk away."

^^ I can feel the tears starting in my eyes...the pain and sorrow one can feel at knowing they want something that can't be is cruel and hurts so much and you manage to portray that beautifully in so few words here.

"I wake up...
the warm tears are already
sliding down my cheeks.
I can't get away
I can't escape
I'm trapped by all
my memories of you."

^^ I love this ending, I find it to hold so much depth and power and makes for a powerful closing, something that stays with the reader and also something that so many people can relate to.

I adore the flow in this piece, it's beautiful throughout, never faltering once and the words just roll from the tounge.

I love this.

Scarred Heart (5)
by xxSTARSxx

commented by xJenni Mariex ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-13

Oh my lord.

I am sat in work, and trying to fight back the tears. I read this twice over and both times it caused such a lump in the throat.

I find this so incredibly moving and heartwrenching, and I think this really hits home for me because I can relate so well to it.

"I look at you
my eyes fill with tears.
They roll down my cheek
Slowly sliding on my lips,
making their way into my mouth. "

^^I'm not to sure on these opening lines..I found them to be quite weak while the rest of the piece is incredibly strong throughout.

"I taste the salt
it burns into my tongue
just like your words
burn into my soul.
They make me shiver
and they make me shudder
with thoughts of the things
I have done to you.
I never meant to hurt you,
but I did."

^^ This...this is so beautifully written. Filled with such melancholy that it makes the heart drop with shudder as the reader gets to each line, but still nevertheless so beautifully written.

"For that I am eternally haunted
by your brutal words
because I cannot deny them.
I have tried many times before
to take the pain I gave you
and inflict it upon me.
These emotions,
no matter how deep I cut,
cannot be covered by my physical pain."

^^ I really like this part, because to me this is showing that you know you hurt someone, that you regret it but can't fix or change it, and it brings back that saying to me "We only hurt the ones we love," and |I find you express that sentiment so well with these lines.

"The numerous scars on my body
will never be able to amount
to the number of wounds
I gashed into your heart.
For every scar I have given myself
I gave you a thousand more."

^^What a beautiful ending..so touching and moving, and filled with so much heartache and pain, tinged with the regret and sorrow makes for one h3ll of a powerful closing.

I LOVE this.

Everyday (14)
by Dark Savior

commented by xJenni Mariex ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-07

This is so sad...filled with so much melancholy that it brings tears to my eyes..

"Everyday I wake up and wash my face
hoping that I can wash off my disgrace
I have washed my face over 2000 times now
each time, I looked in the mirror and wondered how"

^^ I love these opening lines, they're filled with so much depth and emotion that I'm immediately pulled into the piece, wanting to read more.

"I don't know how was I able to do just that
look at the person who was looking back
I guess that I was just playing masquerade
eventually my fake self had to fade"

^^Easily my favourite stanza of the piece. I find this verse to hold more power than the rest of the poem put together, while the imagery created in my mind from these lines is very vivid.

"I failed as a son, as a boyfriend, a lover
too many lies, that's what blew my cover
I should have just told the truth
instead it rotted away, until it was loose"

^^ Not as strong as the previos stanza, but still filled with so much regret and despair that as the reader I can feel my heart dropping with each line I read.

"I hoped that I would be a father
but then again why bother?
I'm sure I'd fail like before
I wash my face, and I'm not sure"

^^ father and bother-while they're similar, they don't rhyme and it threw the flow of for me. Maybe try changing to something else?

"Dry my face with the towel that hangs on the rack
I'm sure that tomorrow's another day, I'll be back. "

^^Despite the fact the previous stanzas are all quattrains and this is a couplet, it still works very well here and I love this ending. To me it's void of any hope, all that's left is hopelessness, and it makes for a powerful ending.

In this quiet corner (9)
by ShootingStar179

commented by xJenni Mariex ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-29

"In this quiet corner,
I sit and wonder what it would be like,
To fall in love."

^^ I adore these opening lines here, I find them to be both thought provoking and incredibly strong, portraying such depth in so few words, and a wonderful way to hook the reader into the piece.


"To have the dreams of a little girl,
Progress into reveries of comfort and bliss,
A man imperfect, yet complete"

^^ This is just beautiful..I find this stanza to be even stronger than the last one, and it creates so many emotions for me as the reader.

"Bubbling up inside me to collapse onto paper,
No matter how incoherent and perverse,
I will fall in love with writing, before a man.

But to have words intertwine to make poetry,
A feat that these fingers have been inept,
For the longest time."

^^ I love the imagery you placed into these two stanzas, it creates such striking images for the reader, while the flow is perfect throughout, and again these stanzas are stronger than the ones before them, which I love, it's like you're building up to something...

"For once a writer is silenced,

The mind screams for release. "

^^ OH MY. Easily my favourite lines of the piece here..this is amazing...I read these lines and thought how many people can relate to this??
I bet it's a hell of a lot!

I adore this ending, because as I said earlier it's like you were building up to something..and clearly here it is..this is a stunning ending, hardhitting and powerful, something that will stay with the reader.

I enjoyed this piece, I think you did a great job with this one.

Fractured Twilight Librettos (18)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by xLittleMissDitzyx ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-29

"This wasn't meant to happen.

His name was never supposed to show up,
on this glowing cell phone screen again..."

^^ AHHHHH I love this as the opening, as I was reading it I just thought how many people can relate to this...beautiful way to hook the reader into the poem!

"These shivers overtake my body in bursts;
my tears are seeping through my screams at midnight.
The anxiety of his voice invades my thoughts,"

^^ You manage to make the poem even stronger here, the emotion, the depth, the imagery all melts together in these lines to make for a stunning few lines, the flow never once faltering.

"(My voice departs in stammers of apathetic glee,
awaiting his gentle whisper, my heart begins to stutter.
"Can you hear me anymore, my love...?"
These fragile strengths begin to crumble,
beneath his overwhelming sneer as he hears my rout.
Three hundred and sixty five days since I've lost him,
and now he's back again.)"

^^OH MY...easily my favourite stanza so far..I frikken love this, the depth and emotion here is indescribale (sp?) The transition from loss to possible ..hope? ..adds for a stunning affect on this stanza alone.

"(Oh, how these broken breaths begin to choke me.
Two seconds in and I've already kissed his feet."

^^ I love these lines..ahhh..I simply love them, to me these lines show both hope and sadness...hope that maybe something will change, sadness that the same thing is happening again...

"His frozen lyrics start to melt these walls away;
The weight of his insecurities blanket my fallen heart,
each and every piece grows heavier with his return.
"Can't you see that you're hurting me?")"

^^ It gets even better here...the fact of wanting someone but knowing they're no good for you..the sincerity, the emotion here is overwhelming...

"(Pathetic words escape my lips,
as my mind runs through the possibilities.
I kiss the stars just one last time,
before I dry my hands and intertwine them with his lies.
His toxic scents have binded me again,
but this time, I don't want to fight.)"

^^I thought this marked a powerful point in the piece, as I found this to be void of all hope, all possibility, just pure loneliness and despair, and changing emotions straight from the last stanza to these makes this stanza very hard hitting for the reader.

"(I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me:
so tonight, we'll end this in a bloody bath of icy tears.
These velvet cries shall cloak our screams,
and I promise you, these fallen stars will light our way.
They'll lay these fading limericks at our hearts,
and our final breaths will drown these flames together."

^^ Can I just say the imagery in this stanza is BEAUTIFUL! Just frikken beautiful! Oh my, so many detailed and vivid pictures run through my mind, this creates such striking visuals for the reader, I love this.

"I'm not ashamed enough to not admit to you,
that every breath I take I use to gasp your name again.)

"I love you.""

Oooohhhh...the melancholy in these few lines is heartbreaking...you manage to portray such emotion with a such few words and I can feel my heart drowning with sorrow as I read these lines...

"(...and if being with you means disappearing, then
this is me dying in your arms; I cut you out, now set me free,
for every time I try to let you go, your grip is just too strong for me...)"

^^Okay I changed my mind...this is my favourite part of the piece. I simply adore and love these lines, so strong, so full of meaning, so powerful, heartwrenching and hard hitting all wrapped up in one makes for a simply beautiful ending to the piece.
This part of the piece brought tears to my eyes..something I can relate to all to well at the moment, which is why I think I love it so much.

I also liked the fact that this part rhymed even though the rest of it didn't.

I honestly can't find anything bad to say about this..I love it.

You outdid yourself with this one, you should be proud.

When Words Kill (15)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-13

"Whispered sweetness decipher deceptions
within a dream, pallid, in soft, scarlet tones-"

^^ I love this opening here, I find it to be incredibly beautiful, the imagery in these opening lines is stunning.

"lullabies lacerate destined sensations
outlined with zest of vivid, dancing shadows."

^^ You manage to follow the opening lines well here, I find these two lines to beautifully sad, and a little dark with the mention of dancing shadows, whereas I thought the opening two lines showed hope, so the contrast in this stanza is amazing.

"These notes are smeared with lilac's scent
unraveled between eager fingertips,
embedded into emerald, molten pupils
of the wordy demigods, coral demonic angels."

Oh my..this stsnza..wow.
The imagery, the flow, the content, it all melts together for one hell of a powerful stanza, and the "demonic angels" again creates a contrast which I think adds for a beautiful effect on this verse.

The last stanza wraps this piece perfectly, it creates such conflicting emotions for the reader, while the ending line is hard hitting and intense.

My favourite part of this piece is the flow, it doesn't falter once, the words just roll right of my tounge, while the imagery portrayed throughout the piece creates striking pictures in the reader's mind.

While relatively short you manage to keep the poem powerful throughout and the emotion shines through each and every word.

I Climb, I Slip, I Fall Reaching For Your Hands (7)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-13

"You can read my secrets between the lines,
through the letters infected with frigidity-"

OH MY GOSH.

I frikken adore these lines, oh wow, these lines hit me like a ton of bricks, the emotion and meaning in these lines is so powerful and intense that instantly I'm hooked on the piece.

"simple distortions complicate blurred days,
counting reasons for bleeding scattered goodbyes."

^^Again, the emotion..I love this opening stanza and I find these lines so be filled with so much melancholy while simutaneously beautifully written.

"Staring at the white-winged, radiant doorway
I face chimerical rejection; fingers entwine with darkness-
these masks of sorrow forever I'll keep.
Starry saviors cannot justify those latent dreams."

^^ My favourite part so far..jeez, how to even describe how much I love this stanza..the sadness in this is so overwhelming that I can't help but tear up and -feel- everything that you describe here.

"Absorbing vibrations of some broken inspiration
wounds the spirit with javelins of flames-
this crisis extends its silver tentacles
moistening thoughts with violet, toxic rain."

^^ The imagery in this is BEAUTIFUL, such pretty images spring to mind while reading this stanza, while at the same time it's still incredibly sad.

"You can daze me with intricate fallacies
cause I let my soul to be seduced,
swallowing forlorn promises once again
within this world framed with oblivion. "

^^ What a wonderful way to end this emotion filled piece...this stanza I find to hold so much depth and power that I can feel my heart dropping with sorrow with each line I read, while completeing the piece perfectly.

The only thing I wasn't sure on was that the third stanza rhymed whereas the others didn't and it threw the flow a little, but apart from that, I love this.

Thousand Burned Down Yesterdays (11)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-13

"I've tasted poison of bitter, liquid lust,
let it consume strangling senses-
drunk avidly from it's fervent well,
walked the plank of imagined ship."

^^ This right here is amazing, something that so many people can relate to, and due to that fact the opening stanza pulls the reader right in and instantly has them hooked and wanting to read more.

"Reaching out to touch morphing silence,
I've burned down whispering thoughts,
hoped, then died, than hoped again
before the construction's walls crumbled."

The pain and loss in this stanza is remarkably well portrayed here, again something that many can relate to, and I find this stanza to be very moving and touching, really tugs on the heart strings.

"hoped, then died, than hoped again"

^^ Easily my favourite line of the piece so far, the whole process of being let down, then letting someone in again only to have it all blow up is shown so well here and in such few words you manage to provoke some very strong emotions.

"Icebound heartbeats lacerate sensations,
slaying weaved, servile simplicity.
I've tasted deceitful feelings, allowed them
to entwine with tangled memories. "

Oh dear lord..this has me tearing up again, the melancholy in this stanza alone is overwhelming, and again makes the reader feel everything that you are talking about.

I have noticed you have a beautiful way of ending your poems, I find alot of strong poems to have incredibly weak endings, but you always manage to pull it of wondefully, and here is no exception.

Again, beautiful work!

Eat Your Heart Out (12)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-13

"Lucidly mystical, exotic ecstasy twists
spreading velvet tinsels with every breath
pulling me near the whirlpools of ashy gray
- eyes emit perfection of glassy thunders."

^^I mentioned in a previous comment that you have a way with ending your poems, you also have a beautiful way of opening them as well, I found this opening to be very intense and again the imagery portrayed is simply stunning right from the opening line.

"Frantic smile holds emblems of illusions
caressing rollercoaster's serpentine lines-
This night wakes sanguinary tendencies
embracing me with eroding, drunken tentacles."

^^The depth and power in this stanza alone holds almost as much power as the rest of the piece put together, and I love this stanaza, I find it to be dark, sad, yet beautifully written, and I love the conflicting emotions and thoughts that run through my head while reading thiese beautiful lines.

"Visions shatter spotlight desires, flashing
as I lick teardrops of toxic champagne
from your naked soul, exposing taboos.
Seven-inch nails brake, bleeding across the floor."

^^ My favourite part of this stanza is that in the previous one I mentioned I found it both sad and dark, and you follow this beautifully by heading straight into dark, the imagery here is astounding as is the content and emotion.

"Diamond pupils absorb cigarette smoke
chaining pearly wings to sweet subversion.
Silhouettes pull silky strings of submission
sealing these lips with ardent screams. "

^^ This stanza I find to be incredibly powerful and dark, really grips the reader in it's grasp, and I love the alliteration in this stanza, I think it adds for a powerful effect.

"Tangled thoughts wound breakable visions
releasing overwhelming zest of sighs;
Pulsating havoc suppress morality, as I
eat your heart out, swallowing sensations. "

^^ I love the last line in this stanza, I find it to hold so much depth and power but I'm not sure on the other three lines simply because I find them to be weaker than the rest of the poem which is very strong and I feel it lets the piece down slightly.

However that being said, this is beautiful work.

The Storm (collab) (26)
by EssenceOfLace

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-13

"A tear in the fabric of reality
An illusion or the truth?"

^^ WHat a truly beautiful opening here, these lines hold so much depth and power in such few words that it instantly draws the reader into the piece and has them hooked, wanting to read more.

"The ashes of your awakening
Delusions of your youth."

^^ These lines follow the opening couplet beautifully, so much emotion and depth again while tinged with sadness brings out many conflicting emotions for the reader.


"The dreams you once had
Have become warped and twisted.
Refrain from the thoughts you have
Tremble on what once existed."

^^Easily my favourite lines so far, I find these to be incredibly powerful, filled with melacnholy yet simeutaneously beautifully and elegantly written.

"Slip away from your morality
As your essence becomes frayed
Lose the battle against insanity
These skies are turning grey."

^^ Again these lines follow the last beautifully, the sadness in these lines is almost overwhelming, the portrayal of slowly losing the battle is well shown here and I can feel my heart drop in sorrow.

"Fall back into the dust
As your vision becomes obscured
Scream into the face of lust
Stand where death once lured."

^^ The imagery in these lines is beautifully done, it creates such striking visuals for the reader, and these lines hold so much power within the written words.

"A taste for vengeance
The seed of your betrayal
Losing grip as my head spins
Seeking truth but lies prevail."

^^ Oh my..wow. These lines..jeez, I love them..I'm not sure I would ever be able to sum up just how much I adore these lines...I find these lines to hold so much impact, and the last line especially is hard hitting and intense.

"Fading into the darkness
What once was can never be
You're living off my weakness
Captivity will never set me free."

^^ I love the anquish and sorrow portrayed within this part, and I find it to be mixed with resentment which makes for a powerful transition.

"Slap on that smile
Again, another day
I'm living in denial
Because there's no sun after the rain."

^^ I'm not to keen on this, imply because the rest of the piece rhymed and this didn't, and I found it to break the flow and let down the rest of the piece which is incredibly strong throughout only to be left with a weak ending. Maybe edit around and see if you can change it round to rhyme?

That being said, I frikken love this piece.
You can always tell when a collab is good when you can't tell who wrote what, as is the case here.

Beautiful work!

A Painter's Masterpiece (16)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-05

""Without guile and without game, you cannot obtain love." "

^^ I love this, this is a beautiful opening, something that really draws the reader in and instantly has me hooked and wanting to continue with the rest of the piece.

I found this opening line to be very strong and hold alot of depth and power in few words.

""Here's the way I see it: You like him, he likes you,
(She walks away from her echoing laughter, gasping)"

^^ This is beautiful, this brought out many conflicting emotions for me, and I love the use of gasping here, it makes it seem all the more real and adds strength to these two lines.

"As the mirror of tarnished sketches crumbles beneath tainted time.
Her latest treasure, the novel heart in which her chest now binds,"

^^ Easily my favourite part of the piece, these lines are stunning, so much depth, so much melancholy yet simutaneously beautifully written and filled with elegance while the imagery in these lines is beautiful, creates very vivid pictures in my mind.

"Observe the mystifying smile that she has painted across her lips,
For you are now witnessing her most notorious work of art."

^^ I'm not to sure on this for the ending...it's beautifully written, yes. But at the same time I feel that it is slightly weaker than the rest of the poem, which is strong throughout, and I can't help but feel it lets the poem down slightly.

However that being said, I love this piece, I found it to be very well written and moving, and an enjoyable read.

Faint Ruminations (15)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-05

"Gasping for breath, she chokes upon air,
Dragged into the ocean, love pulling at her hair."

^^ I LOVE this, the imagery in these opening lines is amazing, it's like I can -see- everything that you are talking about and it instantly creates such striking images for me as the reader.

"(So I guess we're done, right?
"Yeah, we're done.")"

I love the use of parathensis (sp?) here, it adds for a strong effect and makes it seem all that much more real.

"Take her by the shoulders and shake her,
As the crystals cleanse her from the sky.
Torn butterfly wings showering her,
Grief emblazoning in her eyes."

^^This is my favourite stanza so far, I find this stanza to be so sad, yet so incredibly moving and bittersweet, along with the imagery and the emotion, and this is one strong verse that holds almost as much power as the rest of the piece put together.

"(Crashing into his arms, unwilling to admit defeat.
Kissing him till he's lost, heart dropping at his feet.)"

^^ My other favourite part of the piece, this to me shows courage, determination to keep fighting, yet at the same time it's filled with sorrow, and these two conflicting emotions make for a wonderful effect on the overall piece.

"Watch as the rest of the planet walks by,
She stares out her snow-hazed window.
Writing these words with a dried-out pen,
Etched within a memoir already drenched in sorrow;
She wishes."

^^ What a beautiful ending!
I found this last stanza to make the entire poem, so strong, so full of depth, so many emotions that it's almost overwhelming at times, and certainly an ending that will stay with the reader for quite some time.

Just beautiful.

Born to Adore; three stages (4)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-05

"Breathe out his name in perspiration,
Inscribed across the window glass. "

^^ That right there is amazing, I love this, the images I get just from the opening lines are beautiful, and right away I know that I'm going to like this piece.

"His voice, a sultry whisper;
A gentle stroke across the throat,
Raspy breaths come out as gasps."

^^You manage to follow the opening lines beautifully with these ones, each line is stronger and better than the last, all the time managing to portray such beautiful imagery within each and every line.

"(l u s t)"

I love this...I'm not really sure why...I just think it makes for such a beautiful effect on the opening stanza, and the way you space out the word gives it so much of a stronger effect.

"Through his curls, fingers explore,
As his lips beg to go further.
Tease until desire fails to subdue,
with everlasting moans.
Trail his body with an eager tongue,
Rolling his soul within your will.
(o b s e s s i o n)"

^^ This is my favourite stanza of this piece, I thought this verse was beautifully written, so detailed and you manage to go into a lot of depth here while keeping it classy and elegant throughout the stanza.

Again, I love the obsession part at the end.

"Intermingling worlds, linking pinkies,
With forbidden promises fulfilled.
Scream out with all emotion on your sleeve,
Whilst diving into a lost oblivion.
(l o v e)"

^^ This is a wonderful closing stanza to the piece, so beautifully detailed yet again while being elegant and filled with such poise and beauty.

The love line at the end is the perfect way to finish this piece.

I just frikken LOVE this piece.

I found this to be beautifully written, original in concept and written with so much beauty and elegance.

My Addiction (Ana) (5)
by AngelDust

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-24

"I listen to her voices,
Speaking clear to my mind,
I've been falling backwards,
I've been slipping behind."

^^ What a truy powerful opening to this piece, this stanza holds so many emotions and insantly draws the reader right into th piece.

"The scales read lower,
My body tells me a different story,
Nobody has yet noticed,
That I'm caught up in her glory."

^^ I adore the first two lines of this stanza, it says so much, and shows so much depth and pain and the effect created ith those two emotions make for a powerful overall effec.

"She's got my completely,
She's gripping me tight,
It's all about thinspiration,
One more restless night."

^^ Ohhh how I can relate to this..all that time spent thinking of her, thinking what the best way to keep her happy is, knowing you haven't done enough today because if you had pushed yourself just that bit harder it would have made her even happier with you... I love this stanza, it reflects Ana so very well...

"I ate before I came,
Are the popular words my lips say,
I've learned the perfect lies,
From the music that I play."

^^ What can I even say about this stanza that would sum up howbrilliant I think it is? Probably nothing, this stanza is just incredibly beautiful. Filled with melancholy and deviouness yes, but written with elegance and beauty all the same.

"And I'll do anything,
Answer to her every whim,
My words are so colourless,
Lights seem so dim."

^^This stanza makes me incredibly sad, because it is showing that Ana has tight hold of you and that you're losing the battle slowly but surely, no matter how much you do for her, she will always want more and this stanza shows thsat.

"And I'm mixed up, intoxicated,
I won't fall off track,
Because Ana is my addiction,
And there's no turning back."

I LOVE this ending, this is incredible. Such a strong way to end the piece, certainly a closing that will stay with the reader for while instead of being instantly forgotton about like so many poems.

The flow and conent in this were very good, and everything in this poem comes together to make a wonderful read about somethin so tererible.

Forever Would Be Never [If Never Was Enough] (15)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-06

"This is what I get for believing in empty promises
Because the way you lie on your back told me different"

^^ I frikken love this opening, it creates so many emotions and such beautiful imagery in so few words, and instantly has me hooked on the piece and wanting to read the rest.

"And I never should have allowed myself to love you
You left me lying in our bed all alone last night"

^^ OH WOW. These lines brought tears to my eyes, yet again. You know what has happened with me lately, I think all that is the reason I find these lines to be so incredibly powerful, and they bring out so many emotions for me that I find it a little overhwhelming, and yet I still find these lines beautiful and powerful, and I think this will be my favourite part of the piece.

"Sometimes, two hearts just can't dance to the same beat
But it's looking like we're not even on the same tune
And when the envy turns into defeat, I'm turning away"

Again, I find these lines to hold so much depth, and loss and heartache while the longing and love shines through simutaeously and this makes for a stunning effect.

The last stanza...I frikken LOVE.
It's such a beautiful way to end the piece, I love how the loss and longing are portrayed in the first two stanzas and then the last stanza is like BAM, I don't need you anymore! It gives hope.

I think this is just a beautiful write, the flow was absolutely flawless throughout, the imagery, the content, everything came together perfectly in this piece. I wouldn't change a thing about it.

Sound Effects and Overdramatics (13)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-01

"Efface surface of troublesome blizzards,
(effects for emotions cause volcanic eruptions)"

^^ I absolutely love this opening, you manage to portray so much emotion and depth coupled with incredibly imagery in these starting lines that I'm instantly hooked and can't wait to continue with the piece.

The brackets in the second line add for a powerful effect.

"volume's beating inside the hive
while the telegraphs deliver fresh, catastrophic notes."

^^ Now this..THIS is beautiful. I find these two lines to be filled with so much melancholy yet simutaneously beautifully written, filled with so much beauty and grace.

"oh
the sun
is spilling
dark
dark
illusions...
the world's
crumbling."

^^ This is my favouriote part to this piece. So incredibly intense and hard hitting and filled with so much meaning and depth that at times it's almost overwhelming for the reader. I adore this stanza.

"Excuses build a church of molten lies that echo
between flashing car crashes inside the mind;"

^^Ooohhhh the imagery! I frikken love the imagery in these two lines, it creates such stunning and striking visuals in my mind.

"imagination's infected with deathly shimmers
so I promise I won't force it this time-"

^^ I'm not to sure about the last line here. I find the rest of this piece to be incredibly strong and intense but for some reason the last line seems to be a little weaker for me.

"oh,
the moon
is bleeding
scarlet,
scarlet
tears...
the world's
sleeping. "

^^ What a BEAUTIFUL closing stanza here! This is just fantastic, such a stunning and hard hitting ending that it is certainly something that will stay with the reader for a while.

I love this piece. The imagery is fantastic, your flow is flawless, absolutely impeccable, the words just fall right of my tongue and the depth and emotion you placed in this piece is outstanding.

You outdid yourself with this piece, be proud!

Kharma Chamelion, Screw You. (7)
by Prophecies In Kodak

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-27

Ahhhh.

I am almost in tears here. This is just beautiful.

Filled with such melancholy yes, but nevertheless such a beautiful and elegant write, that I found to be written with so much beauty and grace.

Your opening of this piece is incredibly strong and from thereon it just gets better and better as the piece moves along.

The depth and emotion you portray in this piece is beautifully done, at times it was overwhelming and it was like I could -feel- everything that you were describing here.

"and it's so hard to pretend that you didnt really know that,
i dont want to think you wore it just to wear me down."

^^ I love these lines here, they bring out so many conflicting emotions for me.

"and as we walked down by greek town once you told me,
"i just feel like it's all holding me back and i cant breathe."
maybe i'm just trying to convince myself different but i
was pretty sure aside it all you really meant "it" as me. "

^^ What a truly beautiful and hard hitting ending, incredibly heartbreaking and moving and you portray the emotion of loss so very well here.

I read alot of your work, but rarely comment on them because I'm sure I interpretate them the wrong way, not at all how you intended and I didn't want to come across as dumb haha, but I had to comment on this.

I love this.

Waking Alone Tomorrow Has Got To Be Better Than This (22)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-11

Okay. I'm composed.

"It's amazing how easily your side of the bed is able to get cold,
because even though you say you'd love to stay, theres always excuses"

^^ This my dear is just BEAUTIFUL. Sad, filled with melancholy yes, but nontheless beautiful and tugs hard on the heartstrings, simutaneously pulling me right into the piece.

"You cut out the destruction before you were able to fall into my arms
But you had no problem catching me and twisting my world upside down"

^^ Oh my lord. I love this, the sadness, the despair, the lost hope and love, you manage to pull of so many emotions in these two lines and it makes for such a beautiful read.

"Some people can say I'm always on your mind; didn't we know better?
And like a fairytale read back wards, this is just how your story goes
They never knew the only flowers you gave me were already blackening,"

^^ Now these three lines, well these are the lines that make the entire poem. I absolutely love this part, this is the part that made me cry. And now I'm about ready to set of again. Lmao. Seriously, I don't even know how to express how much I love these lines, I find them to hold so much beauty and elegance while at the same time they create such a sense of loss and hurt that it's almost overwhelming. You manage to pull of conflicting emotions here for me and it's amazing.

"You were the only one to prove to me how deafening the silence can be
And all I wanted from you was a scream that you knew how to be alive"

^^ How very sad, these lines bring me back to a dark time in my life and the emotions stirred just from reading these two lines are breathtaking and intense.

"Because the way you've let yourself fall when all I did was love you
Is more painful than the needles you've begun to shove into your soul. "

^^ Beautiful. Just a beautiful, stunning and hard hitting ending! Such a perfect way to end the piece. You manage to create such an atmosphere throughout the piece and keep it up right until the very end, whereas I find a lot of poems to be incredibly weak at the finish, but here...here it's just perfect an certainly something that will stay with me.

The flow, the context, the vopcabulary...it all just melts together to create a truly stunning read. A beautiful write filled with elegance and beauty and a very moving read.

I absolutely love this piece. It's frigging aweseome. In my favourites.

Heaven Needed a Hero (Collab) (8)
by Italian Stallion

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-11

Oh my good lord.

I have tears in my eyes from this. What is it with people making me want to cry with their work today. Lmao

Okay. Anyway.

This is just beautiful, so incredibly sad and moving, and such a touching write. I find this to be very bittersweet.

The first two stanza's, I find the flow to be a little off. Maybe it's the way I'm reading it but it just doesn't seem to sit right with me.

Third and fourth stanza, is so sad. filled with such melancholy and you manage to bring such despair and loss of hope in so few words.

"It echos through the night,
And it echos through my heart
In there is a missing piece,
When you left you took that part.

Examining the picturesque stars
Wishing I was the one to die,
Life's not worth living without you,
To be happy would be to live a lie."


^^I just adore these two stanzas. These are the ones that filled my eyes with tears, I find them to be so intense and hard hitting and so many emotionsfired up inside me after reading this part.

"They said, your life was over
That it was your time to go,
But still, I can't understand,
I don't think I will ever know."

^^ This is quite possibly one of the most moving and sad stanzas in the piece...the loss of hope, the despair, the longing, the need for answers that will never come...truly touching, and has such an intense affect on the reader.

The last two stanza's are just beautiful, you both manage to hold so much power throughout the piece and keep it up right until the end. And that ending line...wow. Just amazing, and so sad yet simutaneously so full of love that it's just a beautiful ending filled with elegance and beauty.

The only thing I didn't like in this piece was the constant use of I, I think that's what threw the flow of for me.

Maybe try eliminating some of those and you'll probably find the flow to be so much smoother.

You both did a wonderful job with this piece, and if you decide to collab again I will be ready and waiting.

Alone With My Shadow (24)
by Andrea Sunny

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-02-27

Fireball...

This piece makes me want to cry.
I know it's dark, but I also find it to hold so much depth and melancholy throughout the piece.

I believe this is something that many will be able to relate to, and I find this to be incredibly expressed and while my eyes filled with tears as I read this, I still find it to be written with such elegance and beauty...much like all of your pieces.

I haven't had time to read a lot of poetry over the last few weeks, and this is one of the first pieces I grabbed a few minutes to look at, and I have to say that this is fast becoming another favourite of mine of your's.

"rising again to another guilt walk
hearing judger's whisper and talk
tattered, confused, barely awake
turning their backs, assuming she breaks"

^^ I absolutely adore this stanza, I find this to hold as much power as the rest of the entire piece together.

I love the repetition you used in this, alot of the time I'm not keen as I find it to sometimes kill the whole piece, but you dear...you managed to pull it of wonderfully, as always.

This is just beautiful.

A Last Year Memory (20)
by Zeenat

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-01-24

I love how you compared this to the end of last year, a beginning of a new year, I found that very original and unique in concept, and I thought that made for a powerful affect on the overall piece.

I find this piece to be incredibly bittersweet...it's always sad when a close friendship ends, and you described the pain, the heartache, the loss so very well that as I was reading my eyes started to well up.

This was a somewhat difficult poem for me to read, as I'm well aware how hard this can be..only I haven't found the courage to let go yet :/

"So sad how someone can think they can come back,
Forget all that happened, and everything they've lacked."

^^ My favourite lines of the piece. I love these lines. Isn't it funny that you can just get those people who really don't realize what they've done wrong, or why they've done wrong.

"However you were not the one that stood by me,
Anytime I needed you your heart was always empty."

^^ My other favourite part, simply because of the fact I can relate so much. The pain in this piece is overwhelming.

"This war between us was no longer a game of fun,
Our friendship is gone like last year;over and done."

^^ I adore that as the ending. It shows that you're moving on, that you're ready to let go and that you wont be weak enough to keep being pushed around. It shows that you're strong.

This piece...Zee, I love it.

Birth Yard Words (6)
by Melpomene

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-01-24

"Burden my soul with birth yard words,
For loving scare shall haunt this soul,"

^^ I love that Smurfie. Such a beautiful opening, that the reader can't help but instantly be drawn into the piece and can't wait to finish reading.

"Drifting away into the sound of melody,
Praying poor life will be left still unborn."

^^ I found those lines to be so sad...filled with so much depth and emotion and while beautifully detailed and written, the melancholy in those words is so overwhelming.

2nd stanza:
I absolutely LOVE this stanza. This stanza is amazing. So much power and depth and filled with so much beauty and elegance at the same time, which made for such a powerful transition.

"For child nursing child is not unheard of."

^^Favourite line of the piece. That is just..wow. I don't even know what I could say that could begin to describe how much I love that line.

"Which path shall this young mother travel
Into parenthood the heart tells her to go,
Yet faces of guidance shall say otherwise,"

^^ I love the "what if" of this stanza. You managed to pack in so many questions, so much confusion and possible heartache into these few lines.

last stanza:
What a beautiful, beautiful ending to this piece. I have no idea how you managed to put in so many emotions in this piece, it's beyond me. Nevertheless, this was such a beautiful write.

Your flow is flawless throughout and as always the imagery you painted creates such beautiful visuals for the reader, that it's almost like I can -see- everything that you are describing.

I find so many of these types of poems to end up becoming completely cliche, but here, you managed to pull this of wonderfully, while at the same time making it look totally effortless on your part.

Just..beautiful.

Be proud, Smurfie!

The Pigeon [Parody] (6)
by Pete

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-01-24

"Upon one calm and peaceful evening, for my parlor I was leaving,
A winged form from heaven sent up to my window flew.
So statuesque on window sill, majestic pigeon stern and still.
Instantly I know I will, remove this beauty from my view."

^^ I love this opening. This is just beautiful. The imagery you created in these few lines alone are amazing, they create such pretty pictures in my mind, while simutaneously setting the tone for a beautiful piece. I can't help but be drawn into the poem and want to continue reading afer such a fantastic opening.

"Open up the pallid pane to tell this wondrous creature "Shoo"
That's exactly what I'll do"

^^ Hahahahaha. That made me giggle. I love the easy humor in those few lines.

2nd stanza: This made me smile as well. I don't think I've read a parody before, but I'm certainly enjoying this one. Again, your use of imagery always amazes me.

""How can this tiny, placid creature be causing such ado?"
Quoth the pigeon only "coo" "

^^ I love this...this is humorous, while at the same time the reader can see that you are getting quite irritated at the pigeon.

"Quoth the pigeon only "coo" "

^^ I'm loving the repetition of this line, it definitely brings a smile to my lips.

Stanza 4 and 5:
Favourite stanzas of the piece so far. How you managed to pack in so much depth and emotion, while keeping up the humor is beyond me. Along with keeping your flow perfect, is only showing once more what a talent you have for writing.

Last two stanza's are just perfect. So many poems are fantastic throughout and then have a very weak ending..but you managed to make the ending hold as much depth and power as the rest of the poem put together.

"I wish to scream my utter joy as the beast has bid adieu.
Yet I can only utter "coo" "

^^ LOVE that. That is just fantastic, a brilliant ending, that brought yet another giggle to my lips.

Your flow in this was flawless, I didn't find it to falter once, while you managed to portray wonderful imagery throughout the piece.

I know I said I would be harsh..but I don't think there's a single thing I dislike about this piece. I love it.

I remember you saying you wasn't sure if you liked it or not, and I have no idea why..this is a beautiful write, filled with elegance and beauty.

I did go and read the original before I read this and Pete...you should br proud of this. This is amazing.

Damn you, Time (30)
by Live WeLL

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-01-24

This is beautiful...I love this. So moving and bittersweet and full of so many conflicting emotions all at the same time.

"I'm living in the past, a time when things were better,
Reminiscing over friends, reading every love letter.
Old familiar songs bring me back to tears,
Making me wish I could go back just a few years."

^^What a truly beautiful opening, I found this to be beautifully written, and it set such a wonderful tone for the rest of the poem.

"Reverse your stubborn hands and bring me back to Then.
The days that bring a smile and make me ask - "Remember when?"
The days I'm living here and now, they just don't compare,
and if I had one wish, it would be to take me back to There."

^^I LOVE this stanza, this was just perfect. You managed to pack in so much depth and emotion in these few lines, and at times the emotion was overwhelming for me as the reader, yet you managed to keep it from becoming overbearing.

So many people will be able to relate to this poem, and the changes that time brings to us all.

Your flow in this was okay throughout, but I think it would have been better if you eliminated some of the filler words (The, I etc) Erase those and you'll be surprised how much smoother the flow becomes. I would have liked to see more imagery in the piece, but apart from those minor things, I enjoyed this very much, and it's certainly a piece that tugs on the reader's heartstrings.

Closure (29)
by Blissful

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-01-24

"Young girl drastically perplexed by reality
Urgently escapes to a nearby sanctuary
As she wanders along its clear water edges
Her tragic love story, roams freely in her mind"

^^ What a truly beautiful, beautiful opening. Those lines are fantastic...so much power and filled with such elegant imagery that I am instantly hooked and can't wait to continue reading the piece.

"Troubling tears quickly arise in her eyes
Reality hastily strikes; their love cannot be
Two yearning souls, living two diverse lives"

^^ I love the longing, the hopelessness in those lines. The fact of wanting something that can't ever be is something so many people can relate to. However, I was thrown of by the fact that this stanza was much shorter than your others. The flow was still there, but it just put me of a little.

3rd stanza:
How incredibly moving and bittersweet...so many poems that touch on the emotion of longing tend to become cliche and needy, but you have easily managed to keep this piece both elegant and classy.

Stanza 4 and 5:
These are just BEAUTIFUL. You portray such beautiful imagery throughout this piece, and that imagery is so well painted that it creates such stunning and striking visuals in my mind.

Last stanza:
This makes such a perfect ending for this beautiful piece. I love the transition from despair to hope, I thought that made for a very powerful affect, and certainly a strong ending that will stay with me a while.

Your use of vocabulary in this piece is just perfect, it works very well and despite not rhyming your flow is just FLAWLESS throughout the piece.

I love this.

Tread Lightly In The Water, Darling. (14)
by Melpomene

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-01-21

HAHAHAHAHAHA. oh my god. i'm aware this has so many serious tones and such depth to it, but i can't help but think the same thing for every line...HAHAHAHA. i am in love with this poem. the emotion you put into it was so intense that it was overwhelming, while at the same time you managed to keep it from becoming overbearing for the reader. the imagery you placed into this piece is fantastic, it created stunning, striking visuals for me as the reader, and your flow is just perfect. i read this silently and then out loud and it doesn't falter once. the words just fall right of my tongue. i adore the sarcasm you used in this, it added such a powerful affect on the overall piece, and kept me smiling throughout. "I'll help you drown." HAHAHA! easily my favourite part of the piece, and the repetition of this line worked very well. this is just awesome. going into my favourites, definitely. i love this.

Industrial Ailment (1)
by Pete

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-01-09

"Ugly wheeled animals
busy metal bees"

^^ I adore those opening lines. despite being relatively short, I found that opening to be filled with wonderful imagery and it interested me right away.

"in a perpetual race
toward tainted destinies"

^^How I LOVE those two lines...those lines are perfect in every way. I love the tainted destinies, very powerful and intense.

Second stanza:
Well I'm not sure what juggernauts are, nevertheless the imagery you portrayed in this stanza was beautifully vivid and created stunning visuals for me as the reader.

"tails pumping fumes
perfume fills the skies"

^^ That was just beautiful, so intense and vivid, and I adore the ending line in this sky, it created pretty pictures for me. Definietly my favourite stanza so far.

Last stanza:
What can I say? It was amazing, the perfect way to end this write, hard hitting and intense and a wonderful way to wrap up the piece.

Your flow in this is fantastic! It didn't falter once, while the vocab you used added for a powerful effect on the overall piece.

I usually find nature poems somewhat difficult to pull of, but here you've managed to make this piece look so effortless and easy.

Beautiful write.

Who Cares?! (1)
by Pete

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-01-09

1st stanza:

Fanbloodytastic! I love it, it was incredibly intense and hooked me into the poem right away, I couldn't wait to continue on.

2nd stanza: I love the emotion in this stanza..it wreaks of melancholy and depression and a whole given up feeling..definietly tugged on my heartstrings.

"I ruined everything good
everything I've ever gotten"

^^ Favourite lines so far. I read those and thought, how many people will be able to relate to that feeling? I'm sure it's a lot, and after all, being able to relate to someone's poetry is what makes the poem good.

"forget the "blessed" light
give me death instead"

^^How incredibly saddening...brought tears to my eyes. These lines were so sad and moving and yet at the same time you managed to convey so much emotion and depth in few words, which made the lines very powerful.

"All I want now is peace
I wasted every chance
I've finally given up hope
on lifes deceptive romance"

^^These lines are beautiful...filled with melancholy and depression, yes, but beautiful nontheless. That stanza alone holds almost as much power as the entire piece together.

Last stanza: Holy crap, I love that. What a PERFECT way to end this heart wrenching piece. It speaks volumes, and when I read this stanza it brought out so many conflicting emotions in me. Stunning and hardhitting, and certainly an ending I wont be forgetting in a hurry.

The only thing I wasn't to keen on with this piece was the constant use of "i" and I've." It felt like they were repeated to much. Try eliminating some of those and this piece will be perfect in every way.

On the whole, I love this.

Hourglass Of Life (3)
by Pete

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-01-09

....I LOVE this.

I don't even know what I could say that would give justice to how much I love this piece, and seeing as I'm not usually a fan of suicide or any reference to suicide, that's saying something.

Okay, here goes.

1st stanza: Beautiful opening. Very saddening and moving, and beautiful imagery portrayed from the first line.

2nd stanza: I thought the flow seemed a little shaky here.

maybe try:

"Such a waste of time
embarrassment to all
sand hourglass of life
about to cease to fall"

It just flows better that way, for me.

3rd and 4th stanza: Incredible. Just incredible. I love the matter of fact way you talked about tying up loose ends, the way the words carried the "just don't give a ****" anymore message.

5th stanza: Your flow seemed to waver in this stanza, as well. Maybe something along the lines of:

"On the battered bedside table
pill bottles sturdily stand
two birds in the bush
are better than one in hand"

Get rid of the two "the's" as I did. They are just fillers really in this stanza, and I don't think you need them there.

Stanza 6 and 7: These remind me of stanza three and four, and the giving up and not giving a damn again. It adds for a powerful affect on the overall piece that you have repeated these feelings without saying the same words again and making the poem end up cliche towards the end.

Ending stanza: My favourite of the entire poem.

"I'd follow these perfect steps
if I only had the guts. "

^^Those lines are amazing, Again something that many people will relate to, I know I can as I used to feel that way a long time ago, and the end is so in your face and hard hitting that it hits the reader like a slap in the face.

So many suicide/self harm poems end up cliche and a waste of time, but this dear...this is one of the few that are worth reading.

Twinkle Twinkle Lots Of Stars (9)
by Pete

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-01-09

1st stanza:

I absolutely adore the imagery painted in this stanza, when I read that for the first time it made me smile straight away and created such pretty pictures in my mind.

2nd stanza: I thought the flow was just a teensy bit of on the last line.

"still so clear and so new"

Maybe try getting rid of the second "so."

"still so clear and new."

That seems to flow better for me.

3rd stanza:
Booooootiful! Just beautiful. Oh my, how I love the imagery you put into that particular stanza. Stunning vivid pictures are created for the reader, just in that stanza alone.

"take a look for yourself
at the beauty they hold"

^^Favourite lines so far. I found these lines to be filled with so much meaning and for some reason, it made me feel optimistic about everything...there's so much beauty in these two lines.

Last stanza, was a beautiful way to wrap up this breathtaking piece.

My favourite part in this has to be the imagery you painted throughout. It got better and better as each stanza went along.

Coupled with a perfect flow (apart from the small part I mentioned) this poem is a wonderful write, and you should be proud.

Echoes Corrupted Within The Burdening Games (2)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-01-03

"Maybe we voice the echoes burdening our hearts much too easily
But your silence is overwhelming, my words caught within my throat"

^^Beautiful opening right there, so much beauty tinged with sadness immediately draws the reader right into the piece.

"Simple words stab worse than daggers in a back, little did you know
I'll cry these wincing tears if thats what it takes to no longer hurt"

^^How I love those lines..filled with so much truth and meaning, and they bring out a whole slew of contradicting emotions for me.

"For a lie no longer stabs the back, but pierces the fronting heart
Desperate prices have plummeted far too much to focus on a future profit"

^^easily my favourite lines of the poem..I LOVE those lines, so much impact and power that I sat there and was like Oh wow...

"Sometimes I believe in the romantic ways of our simplistic lives,
But live in fear for the moment of rupture, should it present itself"

I love how those two lines are so beautifully detailed and yet convey the oppisite of the other, that made for a wonderful effect.

The repetition you used in this piece worked beautifully, easily got your point across without becoming to much so that the reader thinks oh god shut up already haha.

Your imagery was wonderful as always, I love the pretty pictures you manage to create in my mind. Coupled with a fabulous flow throughout this was a beautiful write.

To Death (3)
by Pete

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-29

"All my pitiful existence
with you by my side
make yourself comfy
in my soul you reside"

^^ Amazing opening there, so much intenisty and power wrapped up in few words, that immediately makes me want to continue reading.

"You're the thorn in my side
the pain in my head
the weight on my chest
my feeling of dread"

^^ I adore the imagery you painted in this stanza..beautifully detailed and it created such vivid visuals for me.

"I bid you adieu
inhale the last breath
here's my submission letter
address it : To Death "

^^ LOVE that stanza, easily the favourite part of the piece. I found that stanza alone to hold almost as much emotion and depth as all of the piece together, while simutaneously making for a beautiful intense ending.

Your flow in this is perfect...it doesn't falter once, while the imagery is beautifully painted.

Beautifully written.

Erase The Words Straight Off My Tongue (4)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-28

"Can you ever be truly wrapped up in your own petitioning thoughts?
So wrapped up in the things I can only truly guess..but will you know"

^^ LOVE this as the opening. So intense and filled with so many meanings and so much emotions that I can't help but want to read on.

"Scrap your twisted ideas before they tie yourself into chaotic knots"

^^ HAHA. I love that. Reminds me of your otherpoem and your comment. I found that to hold alot of depth in so few words, while remaining somewhat sarcastic and bitter. Not sure if that's what you were aiming for, but that's how I intrepretated it.

"Much easier to drape yourself in beautiful lies than to focus on shame
And sometimes, just sometimes, we write our secrets in pencil back wards"

^^ HOLY CRAP, Britt, I LOVE those. Just LOVE them! Easily my favourite lines in the piece. Wow. I don't even know how I could BEGIN to explain how those lines make me feel..just beautifully written here.

"Trusting words idealize themselves as you wrap your sarcasm with delight"

^^HAHA, this made me smile. I love the sarcastic side of you, and you always manage to write sarcasm with so much power instead of using the usual cliche sayings.

"Smiling through your raw emotions while you speak too admirable to suggest
But you've already come to know that, as you justify your non-conforming view"

^^ AMAZING ending there, I love that. It's beautiful classy and elegant, while wrapping the piece up so perfectly, and the lines really stick in the reader's mind.

Your flow here is beautiful..just beautiful. I didn't find it to falter once, while the imagery was beautifully descriptive and portrayed.

I would like to see a little more of this..It's amazing as it is, yes. But I think it could be even better if you added a little more to it.

Too Weak To Understand Stained Cheeks (2)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-28

"Wash away those soulful tears begging to stain your cheeks
For He only takes those too weak to be able to understand"

^^ I love those opening lines..so incredibly moving, and I found them to be both desperately sad mixed with a dash of hope, and that creates such a powerful effect right at the beginning od the piece.

"How unfair life can be, what once is so precious, taken away
Eternal grief suddenly given without a second chance at life"

^^ How true those words are...I have tears in my eyes from those two lines..

"Sullen attitudes graze the skin within a loving family
Begin to realize there is nothing more able to be done now"

^^ And now I'm actually crying. Those lines are so damn sad and moving, tugs at my heart like nothing I've ever felt before.

"Begin to realize there is nothing more able to be done now""

^^ Holy crap..I don't even know what to say about that line...so much truth and emotion in those words there, and while it's so depressing that it's true, so many people slowly realize that you've hit the nail on the head with that line alone.

I love this piece...this has touched my heart in so many ways..beautiful.

Honeymoon's Over (6)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-28

"So you danced the night away once again, did you mean to fall?
You fell right into the arms of the wrong person waiting for you"

^^ LOVE, LOVE those opening lines. So many conflicting emotions ran through me when I read that.

"And this is the one time you say you don't care, but we know better
Close your blind eyes to the truth, choke on your bitter navigation"

^^ I found those lines to be incredibly sarcastic, and filled with so much disdain, yet at the same time the meaning behind the words is kind of sad.

"Perhaps you haven't noticed the kind of affect you have on people
With those dazzling ocean eyes and the perfect aroma of honey
A smile from your way and there go puddles dripping to your feet"

^^ LOVE the imagery in those lines, the imagery here is BEAUTIFUL! So many vivid visuals are created for me here.

"How a damsel like you must adore that kind of disgusting attention"

^^ HAHAHAHAHA. That line cracks me up. You have such a way with sarcasm, and it never fails to crack me up every time..I love this side of you.

"Focus your defeat, we all know you've got caught in your own game
You took a couple steps a little too far in every wrong direction

^^ Those lines there are incredible, so sarcastic and bitter and yet filled with so much meaning and emotion that the reader can't help but feel what you are talking about.

"Any less wrong, however, and you'd be one back peddling fiasco
But maybe, just maybe, backwards is the only way you know about"

^^HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Jesus, Oh how that made me laugh. That was amazingly written there, deep sarcasm mixed with such hate made for such a powerful effect and was still hilarious at the same time.

"Too bad you fell again, was anyone there to catch you this time?
You'd think after the first time you would learn her lesson"

^^ HAHAHA! Oh I know this poem has so many serious tones to it, but I can't help cracking up hysterically when you use statements like this.

"Not a girl like you, though, with mistake after mistake coming
Pick yourself up and put on that crystalized smile...Honeymoon's Over. "

^^That makes for such a perfect ending to the piece, beautifully wrapped up and hard hitting and intense at the same time.

Your flow in this is BEAUTIFUL. Just perfect. It's incredible..doesn't falter at all.

I adore the imagery you painted, creating such strong pictures for the reader, and I found this to be both original and unique in concept.

Oh, I could read this over and over again.

If You Say It Makes You Happy; I'm Not The Only One Lying (3)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-28

"Look at you with those terrifying cold eyes, who would ever know?
You used to be warm inside, now you have ice pumping your veins
What a shame, people used to think you could have been beautiful"

^^Holy h.ell...I LOVE that. That is just beautifully written..so many emotions and thoughts ran through me after reading the opening here.

"You say this is your own world now, the way you like to run it
And I know better than that, it's almost as though I created you"

^^ Those lines are amazing..so much depth and meaning, and they create so many conflicting feelings for me as the reader, I found them to be incredibly moving and yet filled with such melancholy simutaneously and that adds a powerful affect on the stanza.

"Begin to turn yourself into circles, you'll get so dizzy so soon"

^^ HAHA, I love that line, this cracks me up, I found it to be filled with sarcasm and yet at the same time have a hint of sadness to the meaning behind.

"Isn't it funny how one little word can spill all your secrets?"

^^ favourite line of the piece, easily. You have such a talent for expressing yourself in few words, and I think that always makes for a wonderful effect on the overall piece.

"Let's face it this time, sweetheart, this is your problem now
I've washed my hands of your ashamed scandal, it's all on you
Who is it you run to when those around you have fallen into the hole?"

^^ I love that. I found this to be such a great "Take that, I've had enough," stanza, while being written with so much beauty and grace and the odd hint of sarcasm in the last line.

I liked the opening stanza repeated as the last, I thought that worked beautifully without the repetition being overdone while your flow and imagery are just flawless in this piece.

Easily, one of your best by far.

This Is A Love Song In My Own Way (7)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-19

"Oh, how I'd wait for eternity to hear your soft melodies"

^^Easily favourite line of the piece. I found that to be incredibly bittersweet and moving, and really tugged on my heartstrings.

"Grieving the loss of the missing honey color in your eyes
Dust the focus with your magical pixie-dust you've found
Believing in the fairy-tale promises thats been created"

^^ AMAZING imagery in those few lines, so beautifully vivid and detailed that I could easily picture everything that you were describing.

The repetition you chose as the ending worked VERY nicely, it was beautifully done without being to much.

My favourite part of this was the imagery you created, it was just so beautiful.

I found this to hold so much meaning and emotion, and to hold so much depth behind the written words.

Your flow in this is BEAUTIFUL.

On the whole, I thought you wrote this wonderfully..so much beauty and elegance.

Douse Yourself in Cheap Perfume; How Fitting To The Way You Are (6)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-15

"Sign your apologetic waivers before you open that sweet mouth full
Funny, how your sweetness is so sour your tongue shrivels in half"

^^ Those lines are just beautiful. Beautiful! So sarcastic and full of disdian and yet at the same time, so beautifully created that I can't help but to continue on through the piece.

"Whine a little more, I don't think the heavens were able to hear"

^^ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. God, do I love that line. This is incredibly sarcastic and b.itchy, and just so YOU. Hahaha.

"How fascinating to watch your rise and fall as you blink naivety"

^^ Again with the sarcasm. Now I'm not sure if this is complete fiction for the contest, or is actually based on someone. But, from the way I choose to intrepetate it, I would say it is based on someone who you've had more than enough of, and have chosen to air your feelings about. Which naturally for you, would indeed be a big bowl of sarcasm. And I love this side of you!

"Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, have you noticed what you have become?"

^^ LOVE, LOVE that line there. Beautifully created, and so sarcastic , yet you still manage to put in so much depth and emotion in such few words. I actually think that would be better as the ending line, I find it to hold a lot more power than the current ending line does.

Imagery, again is FANTASTIC. I always love your visuals, it'slike I can -see/feel- everything that you are describing, while your flow is just so flawless throughout the entire piece.

I found this to be FULL of sarcasm throughout, mixed with both anger and hatred, which made for a VERY powerful effect on the entire piece.

At times, I found it quite saddening, because this COULD actually be apllied to SO many people, and the fact that you managed to have me feel so many emotions from reading this, as well as making me laugh, without it being overbearing only proves what a wonderful write I think it is!

Tonight The Headphones Will Deliver The Words I Can't Say (7)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-15

"You've silenced yourself with the tired words jaggedly swallowed
Perforating lungs as you're dying to scream a muffled sound"

^^Ohhh...so full of melancholy yet simutaneously so beautifully written, that I can't help but be dragged right into the piece.


"You speak such a soft whisper when your ominous tone is harsh
How can we take anything seriously when you smile through tears"

^^Okay, I LOVE THOSE LINES!
I found those lines to have an incredibly amazing depth and so much meaning, with such perfect imagery right alongside that makes those lines so beautiful and elegant.

"Falsify corrupt actions accompanied by dripping last requests"

^^ Another favourite line, I found that line to be incredibly bitter and sarcastic, and yet at the same time still have a hint of sadness, and that again makes for such a powerful effect on the overall piece.

"Operate the failing robotics you call your beautiful smile
Once again you've proven the difference between you and I"

^^ Holy crap, how do I explain how much I love that right there..**** h.ell, I'm not sure I'd even be able to do. Easily favourite lines in the piece.

"And I can feel your breath, as you choke ever so gently "

^^What an AMAZING ending there. That is just FANTASTIC. You have such a beautiful talent for ending your poems with just the right words. I found that line alone to hold almost as much depth and power as the rest of the piece together.

Imagery in this, is breathtakingly created, such beautiful visuals are created for me as the reader.

Flow again, is just perfect. I read this one silently, and outloud like I did the other one, and this to doesn't falter once. It's beautiful.

The only thing I didn't like was the structure. I saw it and just thought AHH. Make me even happier than I am with this piece...space it out a little. =D

But other than that, this is perfect.

I'm Sorry, My Conscience Called In Sick Again (6)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-15

"Am I supposed to care about your foolish nonsense you bring to the table
With your perky smile and selfish demeanor, it's amazing anyone can stare"

^^AMAZING opening lines right here. So full of bitterness and sarcasm, that the reader is INSTANTLY hooked.

"Simply look in the other direction, we don't like what you are able to see
Close your ears before the bitter draft surrounds your false virgin innocence"

^^i found these lines to hold so much anger mixed again with sarcasm, and for me that created a very powerful effect.

"Lies created your own tangled web, are you having fun dangling upside down?"

^^What the h.ell am I supposed to say about that? I frikken LOVE that. So incredibly powerful that it's like the reader can -feel- your rage.

"Now isn't that better, relaxing under the conclusion that fairy-tales do exist
But they can't in this world, for you've ripped them into shards of glass "

^^ BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL ending there! Oh holy crap how I adore those lines. Favourite part of the piece, hands down. I found those teo lines to hold emotion, depth, power, coupled with amazing imagery and glaring visuals. Such a powerful ending, that it hits the reader like a slap in the face.

Now, onto imagery. I adore the imagery you painted into this piece, my favourite part was, as I said, on the ending lines, but I also think it was beautifully portrayed throughout.

As for your flow..Jesus christ! Just PERFECT. Flows beautifully all throughout the piece.

When this title was offered in the contest, I immediately thought "That looks interesting, but also somewhat difficult. But, you have managed to make it look so beautifully easy and effortless here.

Now, just one question...how the h.ell am I supposed to top this?!

Resolutions Unattended [Acrostic] (6)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-14

Now this...this is just BEAUTIFUL.

Holy ****, where do I even begin with how much I love this piece?!

"Reach for another batch of overloaded gravy
Eating your heart out, building potential
Sweet nectar flowing through your slick veins
Obviously you're a fan of billowing mellows"

^^That is just AMAZING. Such a beautiful and elegant opening, that makes the reader hooked on the piece straight away.

"Omit the false accusations, you know you're true"

^^Favourite line in the whole piece. As I was reading that line, I was thinking holy h.ell, how many people will be able to relate to those words? Answer? I'm sure it's a h.ell of a lot.

"Enveloping the welcome, with no other choices made
Dance into the night with troubled arms wide open "

^^What a beautiful, beautiful ending. So much fantastic imagery in those few lines that the visuals just scream out at the reader.

What I can't get over in this, is your flow. It is FLAWLESS throughout the whole piece, and doesn't falter once. It's simply, perfect.

You did a wonderful job with this.

The imagery, content, concept wording and flow all come together to create a truly beautiful read.

Curse On Your Lips [Hope They Taste of Me Forever] (5)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-14

"Cradle the bottle once more, feeding into another addiction
Understand I'm not the only one who's gambling with life"

^^I love that as the opening on this, it's so moving and powerful that it draws the reader straight into the piece.

Now, I'm assuming this isn't a certain form as you don't have a structure or name anywhere explaining what the form would be, so I was kind of put of with the

"Obvious withdrawals in effect, theres nothing more to do
Neglect your own responsibilities, leave me to my own"

as it's only two lines, and the other stanzas are all four and five lines. I think it would be better if you evened this stanza out as it seemed to mess the flow up for me in that couplet. Unless it's just the way I'm reading it.

"Young hearts can shrivel when passion is being ignored
Or did you think encouraging pain was worthy of souls?"

^^Words could not possibly express how much I love those two lines. Just so intense and hard hitting...wow.

"Sweet seduction beginning once more, tasting me forever "

^^That made for an AMAZING ending. It held so much emotion and meaning in so few words.

Now, I liked the imagery in this, but I think you could have put more into it...I'm used to glaringly obvious visuals when I read your work, and I thought that you seemed to be holding back a little with this one.

That being said, I still think you did a wonderful job with this piece, I found it to be incredibly moving and at times bittersweet.

We're Painting Your Trash Gold While You Sleep (4)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-13

"Persecuting your own mind without an ounce of shame
Dancing around in each lover's quarrel as you should
Tripping over your own lies, you breathe in the aroma"

^^Frikken love those lines. So much depth and power, and they just seemed to scream out at me.

"Bleeding tongues aren't as romantic, even with the ribbon"

I don't like ''the.'' in there. I think it would be better without.

"Gold litters your mind before you can even dream of purple
Karma rearing it's head, isn't this what you've asked for? "

^^ Ohh how I love that ending. Just, beautiful. Simply classy and elegant and so much intensity in those few lines.

I enjoyed this, my favourite part in here is the imagery you created. It was delightful and so beautifully detailed, I found it to create such vivid visuals.

On the whole, this is perfect...except for the ''the.'' Hahaha.

Clear as day (6)
by Bob Shank

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-10

"love hath tasted of arsenic lips
ground thy soul upon treacherous hips"

^^ What a truly beautiful opening.

As soon as I read that, I knew I was going to be hooked throughout the piece, and I was right.

Your use of imagery in this piece is fantastic, it created such striking and vivid visuals for me, and I found your flow to be absolutely flawless throughout the ntire piece.

I found the idea behind this to be both original and unique in concept, and it held my interest throughout.

The opening was beautifully done, as I said earlier, and from thereon it just got better and better as it went along.

I have no criticism for this...I love this piece.

Tempation Beyond The Afterglow (8)
by Britt

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-10

OH MY GOD. I thought you'd forgotten how to rhyme!
Hahaha

Were you annoyed at yourself when you wrote this? Hmmm. That's how it came across to me, anyway.

I love this.

The imagery that you created in this piece is just BEAUTIFUL, and created such striking, vivid visuals for me, while your flow is absolutely flawless throughout the entire piece.

Favourite line?

"Are you in it to win?"

I love that..oh holy hell do I love that..

I think this is another one of my favourites of your's. No, I don't think. I know it is.

This is just amazing.

Concept was original and unique, and I found it to be written with such beauty and elegance.

Can you tell I love this?

Wonder Why (30)
by Zeenat

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-10

This is so heartbreaking and yet at the same time, so beautifully written.

The emotion and depth in this this piece are so wonderfully portrayed, and easily felt by the reader, it was almost like -I- was feeling everything that you described.

Your flow is absolutely flawless throughout the entire piece, and the imagery created very vivid pictures for me.

I thought this was written with such beauty and grace, and made for a wonderful read.

Colors Of The Wind (2)
by Beautiful Chaos

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-10

Oh hell yes...the imagery in this is AMAZING. So beautifully detailed and creates such striking and vivid pictures.

The flow is FLAWLESS throughout the entire piece, and the message behind the words is beautifully displayed.

This is one of my favourite's so far.

Long Road Out Of Eden (3)
by Beautiful Chaos

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-10

I love this.

I found this to be both original and unique in cioncept and despite being relatively short, you managed to put in so much emotion and depth which isn't always easy to do.

Flow was perfect throughout, while imagery was beautifully displayed.

I found this to be written with such beauty and grace.

It's Your World Now (4)
by Beautiful Chaos

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-10

I love the ending here, very intense and stunning, beautifully written and very powerful.

I enjoyed this, I found it to be filled wish so much emtoion throughout, and the flow was absolutely flawless.

Beautifully written.

Imagining Clouds (32)
by Zeenat

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-10

This is so beautifully written.

The emotion and depth you portray in this piece are wonderfully done, written with such beauty and grace.

Imagery is fantastic, it created such striking ad vivid images for me, and your flow was absolutely flawless. Undisturbed throughout the entire piece.

Your opening stanza was so beautifully put together that it pulls the reader right in, and every line thereafter just got better and better as it went along.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

It Would Be So Simple (Monchielle) (17)
by debbylyn

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-10

Ohhh how I love this.

I once attempted this style and failed miserably, but you manage to make it look so effortless and easy here.

The flow in this piece is just incredible..absolutely flawless. The words just rolled right of my tounge.

The imagery is beautifully done, it created such vivid and striking pictures that it was like I could -see- everything that was happening.

I adore the ending stanza, so powerful and intense, and it wraps the piece up so perfectly.

Just...beautiful!

Seasonal ABC's [Tongue Twister] Part I (23)
by Pete

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-10

Okay..wow.

Oh crap, I don't even know what I could say that would even begin to sum up how I feel about this piece.

This is just AMAZING.

I imagine that using the ABC, and the illiteration was somewhat difficult, but here, you have mastered it beautifully and have managed to make it look so effortless.

The imagery you portray in this piece is BEAUTIFUL. So striking and vivid, it's like I can -see- everything that is happening.

The fact that you managed to rhyme on top of the abc and illiteration and still get the flow so perfect throughout the piece only proves once more to me what a wonderful writer you are.

Just...perfect!

Sins Of Omission (13)
by Pete

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-10

This is so beautifully written.

The emotion and depth in this piece are amazing, so easily felt by the reader it's almost like -I- was the one feeling them.

The flow is flawless throughout the whole piece, and the imagery you created was beautifully done, vivid and created some striking visual pictures for me.

I have no criticism for this...this is perfect.

An Endless Ruse. (31)
by TinyDancer46

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-09

Okay. this was amazing. the depth and emotion in this piece were beautifully portrayed while the flow was flawless throughout the entire piece. imagery created some very vivid and striking pictures for me and i loved the transition from melancholy to hope and back again. that made for a powerful effect on the overall piece. so many people will be able to relate to this piece, particularly how you keep hoping he'll change but always reverts back to his former self. i just hope this isn't your reality. on the whole, amazing job on this.

Red Star For Boulevards. (5)
by Prophecies In Kodak

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-07

"Just who in the hell do you think that you are to slowly judge me,
i've gotten entirely too caught up in something i knew better than.
there's no soft way to take the punch from the impact of reason
but you've built stories of calloused promises against bitter sand."

^^ohhh how I love that. Simply amazing.

"so if he said, she said, they all said.. where are we going now?
because i set the coffee pot to go off at just a quarter past five.
i can resist this halycon daze, because you are oh so tempting
with the sounds your padded feet make on my window late at night."

^^ Holy crap..I can't even describe how much I love that stanza..

This is amazing. Just, amazing. There's no other word for it.

I am at a loss as what to say...this is frigging beautiful, and you did a wonderful job with this piece.

Hello, Smile. (12)
by Prophecies In Kodak

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-07

"The static on the radio is deafening
And the swallowed jealousy protrudes up from my throat.
I've got my deepest & darkest written on a coffee house napkin.
I was planning to send it to you with an "I love you" note. "

^^ What a BEAUTIFUL opening. Really dragged me right into the piece.

And from thereon it just got better and better.

"I swore to myself I wouldn't buy into this
But I love the way the pieces fall into a pretty pile onto the floor.
I've always been a sucker for a lot of bad habits
As I bought into this & then realized there aren't any refunds anymore."

^^Amazing. Just amazing and beautiful. So much depth emotion and power, and filled with such intenisty. As is the whole poem.

"Rewind & repeat..is starting to hurt. "

^^How I love that ending..so few words, so much power and meaning..

Your flow is flawless in this piece, the imagery beautifully detailed and very vivid and I can't choose a favourite part because I love all of this...

Beautiful work, really.

Killing me softly (8)
by Bob Shank

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-07

This is just beautiful.

So moving and touching, and written with such beauty and grace.

The imagery you portray in this is beautifully done, it creates vivid pictures for the reader, coupled with a flawless flow throughout and such beautiful content, every aspect of this piece comes together to create a truly beautiful read.

You Are My Heart! (4)
by Romantic Lover

commented by xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2007-11-06

Oh gosh...This is just beautiful! i don't even know what i could say that would begin to sum up how i feel about this. this...This is just amazing. so much depth and emotion that shines through the written words and is so easily felt by the reader, mixed with beautiful imagery and fantastic flow throughout makes for such a wonderful read. :) i'm glad you are back writing again, and i hope you're doing okay.

Don't leave me (12)
by NearlyCrazy6

commented by xXx SeCrEt WiSh xXx ( F P C D ) at 2007-10-24

"Don't leave me
Because I don't want to do this
I don't like this knife
I can't get through this"

"Don't leave me
Don't you love me?
Don't you care for me?
Don't you want me?"

"Don't leave me
I won't let you!
I won't let it happen!
I won't forgive you!"


^^I was thrown off on those three stanza's because you used the same words to rhyme at the end of each stanza.

I didn't like the amount of fillers you used in this, it seemed like the entire poem consisted of "I, me, you, and, the." and I thought it terribly disrupted the flow.

I liked the last line, I thought it was very moving and powerful, and I liked how this was somewhat in the format of a letter.

Try eliminating the many I's, and me's, and you'll find the flow is so much smoother.

Straw Angel (29)
by Willow

commented by xXx SeCrEt WiSh xXx ( F P C D ) at 2007-10-18

Ohhh teacup this is beautiful!! despite being relatively short i found this to hold so much depth and emotion, while the imagery you portrayed created very vivid pictures. this left me with such a contented feeling. beautifully written!

Penetration (20)
by IdTakeABulletForYou

commented by Jenni Marie ( F P C D ) at 2007-05-16

Ohhhh...damn you for making me emotional! Hahaha
Seriously though..I adore this poem, the emotion is their for anyone to see, and though most of the time I prefer rhyming to non rhyming poems, I was in awe by the end of this.
The imagery, although at times started to creep me out a little, was beautifully used as it created very vivid pictures, and made it easier to visulise the horror.
I thought the flow was perfect throughout the entire piece, and your words at the end of the poem really touched me.

WhY iS iT sO dArK??? (5)
by xX RaIn Of PoIsOn Xx

commented by <3SoSickOfTears<3 ( F P C D ) at 2007-04-19

This was heartbreaking, yet beautifully written.
I thought it flowed well throughout and the imagery created vivid pictures.
I noticed there was quite a few fillers, try eliminating some of them, such as ''i'' ''and'' ''her'' etc, it makes the flow so much better.
Other than that, it was perfect!

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