Praised comments by The Bird and the Worm

Severed (13)
by Rainbow Dancing

commented by Spirit of the Forest ( F P C D ) at 2009-10-11

First off, I would like to thank you for your sweet comment on my latest piece, your uplifting words mean much to me.


"In desperation wings of artistry flutter,
determined to fly once more.
Cognition spurs the muse, chest heaving,
body quivering straining to rise,
yet like a cumbersome stone,
falls unsuccessful to the ground."

Very descriptive wording here, it sets the mood for the reader and is simply stunning.



"Dazed,confused ,eyes blurry unfocused,
thin ribbons of air reaching her lungs.
Mind racing for some understanding,
aspirations suddenly burst into flames.
Wind of realization breaking through the fog,
she'd lost her grip on tendered things."

I would suggest in the first line to put a space after each comma, just my opinion.

Beautiful stanza here, the eminent meaning just stands so tall.


"She use to soar, played among the clouds,
hopes inspired sweet poetic revelations.
Enthusiasm the wind beneath her feathers,
like air rose to immeasurable heights,
leaving behind drab shadows of doubt.
Severed appendage of dreams, modify liftoff."

First line: "use" should be "used".

The third line didn't sound the best worded in my opinion, just the "enthusiasm" part did not flow with the rest of the line.

Foruth line: Would sound better if changed to "rose like air" instead of "like air rose".

A powerful ending though, the detail in this piece was striking and very impressive.

Well worth the read, take care now!

~MaryAnne

Vernal [Lira] (11)
by L e n o r e

commented by Spirit of the Forest ( F P C D ) at 2009-09-11

"Love... once came under a sheet
of rain in my heart, caught 'tween the brambles of
my memories."

I liked the usage of periods to create a pause after "love", it had a nice affect. I really liked the wording here and it kept me reading on. Wonderful display of heartfelt emotions.


"Still, dream I
of you."

The way this was worded was so beautiful, it was five simple words, yet they were so passionate and out-spoken. These words just stood out and caught the reader.


"Breeze kisses me light..."

I feel like "light" should be "lightly", it sounds better to me, the wording you have just sounds a bit awkward in my opinion.


"a consolation prize, of your fare thee well."

I didn't understand the last line, "thee" means" "you" and so are you saying "of your fare you well"?

I just was a bit lost when you switched to Old Enligsh, I just thought use it all or do not, because switching back and forth just lost my interest.

4/5 from me, for being such a short piece, it was deep and touching, so I congratulate you on that, but I felt like the structure and certain wording could be strengthened.

Well worth the read still, nice work.

~MaryAnne

Inprisoned (1)
by Fear2love

commented by Spirit of the Forest ( F P C D ) at 2009-09-07

"Screams cant stop the pain
my fault is who i blame"

"cant" should be "can't".

"i" should be "I".

I felt that the second line was a bit awkward in the wording, I didn't quite grasp what you were trying to say here.


"her tears doesn't do a thing"

"doesn't" should be "don't".


"only blood i want to see
the light is what i dream"

Very haunting here, I love it! Just capitalize your "i"s.


"my skin exposed wit scares"

"wit" should be "with".


"unpleasant pleasure taken too far"

To be honest, "unpleasant pleasure" didn't sound the best together, though it does work.


"trapped in this cold place
hard to get this to erase"

Good rhyming, it is simple yet does the job.


"her fakeness makes it worst"

"worst" should be "worse".


"she infected me with this curse
that in prison me in this regret"

Re-read the second line, it does not completely make sense, I do not know what you meant, sorry.


"eyes pitch black
skin pure white
i close them and hold them tight
only wishing to go away painlessly....."

I did like the ending though, nice expressive emotions.

3/5 from me, just improve on your grammar and this poem will improve greatly. I also found some errors that were a bit weak and could be better worded.

Take care and God bless you!

~MaryAnne

False Light (2)
by Luna Blue

commented by Spirit of the Forest ( F P C D ) at 2009-09-06

"Earth covered boots stamp a rhythmic march,"

I know automatically how great a poem this will be just by this beginning line. I love how you have described the boots as such, "earth covered", and how they "stamp a rhythmic march", brilliant wording my dear.


"upon the surface; exposed to dimmed lights."

This created a dark scene for the reader and had them wanting more.


"Dirt washed wearing apparels, clasp upon"

Did not like the first part, "washed wearing" together seemed to be too much of a mouthful, delete either one and it will be stronger.


"miniature bodies, as sweat's glimmering."

Didn't really like "sweat's glimmering", as I feel this would sound better:

"as sweat proudly glimmers".

To me it just reads and flows better.


"Will-o'-the-wisps' zealotry guided a path,
easing the marches to somnambulism."

Wow, the wording here just caught me off guard, excellent work.


"(Explore the world, follow my lead)
With time facing a merciless treat."

I liked the usage of the "()" here, I have seen it used other times on here but never have tried it myself. I also liked "merciless treat" very entrancing.


"(Oh so tempting, a translucent lake)"

Good line, added much to this.


"Seeing a flickering wilfdfire alloting the lair,
deep inside a hole of drowned souls."

This part struck me, so very haunting and "a hole of drowned souls" was beyond what I was expecting. Superb work.


"(Follow my lead and get gulped by me)"

To be honest, I really didn't like how you worded the second part to this last line. "and get gulped by me" did not send power into the end of this poem and did not make the reader feel it alive as I had wished. Maybe make changes or re-word to this:

"and wait to be over-ruled by me".

Or something more striking, just my opinion though.

Still, 5/5 from me, keep up the wonderful work!

~MaryAnne

Tales of the Narcissus (17)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Goddess of the Ice ( F P C D ) at 2009-09-03

A extremely unique write, I was blown away by your metaphors and usage of wording. I did like the format, it was different and had me reading in a different way. I had to read it a bit to get the meaning, but I did get most of it and you are veyr right in your words. I can tell this was well-written by a brilliant and talented poet like yourself. All I can say is well done, I was exteremely impressed, defiently one of your best, and there is so much meaning to grasp, you make the reader find that and think about it. The meaning is not just in plain sight, at least it wasn't for me. It was worded uniquely and differently that grabbed my attention.

A clever and wise write, thank you for posting this for us to read. 5/5 from me, take care and God bless you!

~MaryAnne

To be Free is My Destiny (3)
by Janalicious14

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-24

"A war that started within ourselves
Will not free us from our own cause of death
It will slowly invade our hearts with lies
Like poison that kills us, it's hard to defy"

I really like the rhyming here and the point you get across strikes the reader. You are saying that the wars in our hearts will do us no good, the hatred will only kill us bit by bit.



"I live in a place, where nothing could be found
I live with myself, my shadow as my bound
Nothing to listen to besides the wind that passes me by
Nothing to see but the shadow that blinds my eyes"

Didn't like the repeat of "shadows" much, but otherwise, very expressive and portrays a lot of imagery. This explains the state you are in and how loneliness is all to close to you.



"If only I could free myself from the chain that keeps me
If only I could touch the light and see what it unfolds
Then I would live like heaven on earth with happiness as my friend
And I would not fear to take my flight and when my life may end"

Third line: Delete the "like" it will sound much better.

Fourth line: I don't like the "and" after "flight", it just doesn't seem to work.



"I know someday my fortune shall change and misery shall vanish
For I would learn how to fly and the sky shall be no limit
I shall live with my only dream, shadows out of the picture
A dream that I shall conquer, a dream of freedom I shall l"

I don't really get the rhyme scheme, wasn't the first and second line suppposed to rhyme here?

Second line: I think here the tenses are wrong, "would" should be "will".

Last line should be re-worded to:

"A dream that I shall conquer, a dream of freedom I shall live!"..

You just didn't finish this.

Also, the third line just didn't strike me, you used "shadows" again and it wasn't the most unique wording out there.

4/5 from me, well-penned and I only found a few errors and places that could be fixed. Otherwise, this was a thoughtful write.

~MaryAnne

Who I Am (7)
by Laila Ali

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-24

"I do not heed the given command
From those so evil they're deemed the damned.
Nor do I bow at the feet of a priest
Whose blessed tongue can't form unholy speech.
I cannot bear to hear untruths spoken
Or admit defeat to a life that's shattered and broken.
But I do not care about my physical being
And I'll turn my back on a wound that's not done healing."

The wording here was marvelous, I could not find one grammar error at all and the feeling here was so real to the reader, you put them in your thoughts.



"I cannot have my things disgraced by name.
But me, you'll curse, and I'll feel no shame.
Though never will I voice a beg or plea.
I cannot give up, so leave my wounds to bleed.
I will not ask for help no matter how much it's needed.
I depend solely on myself; therefore, I cannot be defeated.
I do not know how to accept affection.
I am more at ease with my inner depression."

Very independant you are. My only suggestion here would be to add comma's most of the time and not periods, I felt like there were to many short breaks, when there could have just been pauses. Very mature and professional, this is very original.


"I can easily be hated and I can hate easily.
Though never do I hate without a perfectly good reason.
My tongue is never even a little in my heart.
And if you will it to do so, I applaud on your part.
My soul and heart are blacker than ebony
But that does not mean there is no love in me.
It is hard to classify a person as a friend or enemy.
Because we all wear masks, some more than two or three."

These words were very striking and definetly made me think. Your words spoke such truth here, "it is hard to classify a person as a friend or enemy, because we all wear masks, some more than two or three." This really just hit me and what a thought-provoking write you have woven together.


"But I, above all else, am human, just like the person before.
And we all have our own personalities, hearts, and inner wars.
Significantly different, yet all together the same.
Me, you'll never know but you'll remember my name."

A powerful ending, you expressed yourself very well in this piece and gave the reader such imagery and feeling. Excellent work, this was a pleasent joy to read.

5/5 from me, keep writing, always and forever..

~MaryAnne

Lost Son (3)
by Michael D Nalley

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-20

"How many times must I get lost before I'm
safe in heaven?
While the Father bids me to forgive seventy times seven
All I ever whated was to be loved for who I
am
Praying to the Spirit so strong, yet meek as a lamb"

Very powerful words that get the reader thinking and strike them with question. Just one thing though, in the third line, "whated" should be "wanted". Otherwise, a entrancing opening to introduce your thoughts and feelings.


"Once I had a fortune, but that's been gone so long
All I care to do is write in rhymes and sing a sad song
When there is nothing left there is nothing left to lose
Though it is a hell of a fate for anyone to choose"

Brilliant write so far, the message here is incredible and your words portray such meaning.



"The only thing we really need to know
is a season will arrive and another will go
The beauty of summer the fall cannot take,
as after each winter everthing must wake"

Such sage words, I really enjoyed reading "the beauty of summer the fall cannot take", so true are your words.


"So when you're down and out it is a good time to look up.
To see if there is anyone up there willing to take your cup
Even if your cup seems empty, it won't always be that way
If you put your trust in the Son to give you another day"

A powerful ending that strikes hope and wise advise into the reader's mind. Indeed a brilliant write, well-penned. 5/5 from me.

Take care and God bless you!

~MaryAnne

Inside the Other Room. (1)
by forevertobeart

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-19

"Invisible flow
continuous currents
of silent cadences
and unseen shadows
bound by the virgin rhythm
of after life.
Dancing, flying, murmuring."

This was beautiful wording that held so much meaning and had me captivated and yearning for more.


"The pen pours the lyrics
and the soul sings.
Poetry"

I liked how you wrote that first line, it was worded differently.

Second line: I would suggest making the period a comma or no punctuation, I think it would read better. A comma though will give just the right pause needed.



"Torrential rain
Infinite pain
Smoke running
rising, falling, choking,
through streams of blood
damned inside the veins."

I liked how here and in the first stanza you list three verbs, that was descriptive.

Also, the first two lines held my interest. I haven't heard of "torrential" before and the little rhyme here was good, rain and pain. Although you didn't do this with the first stanza?


"Day clouds the mind,
and night makes heart a shadow,
It doesn't even ache.
Life"

Love how you repeat this style, it was very unique.

First and second line: I liked here how you didn't say "the day clouds my mind", like I thought you would, instead you worded it differently, it just sounded beautifully and still got what you wanted to say across. The second line was stunning, much meaning held there.

I would suggest again in the second to last line adding a comma, not a period. Just my opinion though.



"Dreams undreamt,
promises never made,
hope unfulfilled,
shining, dimming, stopping
in the hallucinating corridors of the mind."

The last line I must say was the most striking and creative, I just could picture and start to imagine all you are saying and making the reader feel.


"Light will break through,
chains would be broken.
Life will move on, to the other side.
Love,

free and true."

Second line: "would" did not fit here, maybe change to "will"?

I like how in these last few lines you give hope and inspiration, that is always a plus.

5/5 from me, the wording was what really gave this poem power and passion, a joy to read, keep it up!

Take care and God bless you, Child of God!

~MaryAnne

In the Darkness. (3)
by Esther

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-19

"In the Darkness,
In the Shadows,
the silence grows
The flame,
the initial spark is dying."

This was a haunting opening, it sets the scene perfectly for the reader. I have no suggestion, this had me reading on and kept my attention.


"The passion, the lust, all is apparent,
but I can't see you clearly.
Your eyes are cloudy,
I can't read them, so the silence grows."

Well-expressed, you made the reader feel this too...I liked the repeat of "silence grows" too, that was a nice touch.


"The flame, the intital spark is fading."

Normally I don't like repeats that much in a poem, or I find it cliche in some cases, but it just fit here, the repeat, so great work!


"Is it my light thats fading away, or our light,"

"thats" should be "that's".

And you need to end this line with a question mark, trust me it will look and read better.


"I can't distinguish between them."

I love how you just say this so plainly yet it strikes the reader.


"If one fades can the other survive?"

Very thought-provoking, you know how to capture the reader.



"I am unsure, but the silence is growing.

Stronger, I fear it will entually consume. "

These last two lines were so haunting, and the comma's were used well, it gave that perfect pause, that perfect pause where you hold your breath for what will come. A very descriptive, deep and expressive piece. Very few suggestions, you have penned this well.

Take care and God bless you, Child of God!

~MaryAnne

Twilight. (12)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-17

"Lemon drop rays"

This opening line just caught me by surprise, I was not expecting this and I just stopped and re-read this. This was so beautiful and definetly put an image so clearly into my mind. I haven't heard this used before, lemon drop, to describe rays, but I like it, your imagination sure shined here!


"smile upon cerulean
creased waters;"

The thought of this is very comforting and inspiring, excellent job so far!


"it's rainbow-like
reflection--
bestowed."

Nice usage of the dashes here, and the pauses were perfect, added such a nice touch.


"Beauty sprinkles
from it's saffron
silhouette--as it
descends behind
sponge trees of
jade green."

This was just stunning, first off I would like to congratulate you on your ever-growing vocabulary knowledge. Each new poem you write seems to be more in-depth and have more beautiful words. "saffron silhouette", "sponge trees", "jade green", very original Temps, and it made me look at nature that way now.


"A pearl moon
awakens with a
yawn;"

This line was probably my all time favorite. I am a huge moon lover and I love how you mentioned it. This line was filled with peace and beauty in each word. Lovely job!


"it's scarlet
moonlight wrapped
around two lovers
nestled upon
khaki sands."

The imagery and passion created here is immense, you perfectly used the word "wrapped" and the thought of this is just breathtaking and mindblowing. I was expecting you just to say "it's moonlight wrapped around two lovers", end of poem, but you went beyond that and in more detail.

5/5 from me, worthy of a nomination, you have my vote!

Your poems just keep becoming more of a joy to read and more creative than before, keep it up!

~MaryAnne

For shal - one perfect song (5)
by a reason for bleeding

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-17

"She is the melody
A gentle note sweet in sound
Moving gracefully through the airwaves
With delicate steps, poise and balance"

This was a perfect opening, wouldn't change a thing. I loved how you wrote "airwaves" and that last line was so detailed and stunning.


"She plays beautifully, precise and flawless
Melting the heart with each citation
A master of her art
A genuine wonder to behold"

The wording here really grabs the reader, it so deep and intrigues the reader to keep reading on.


"She never fails to move me"

This line alone was powerful, I was really expecting something like "amaze" instead of "move", so this surprised me, nice work!


"Such joy I cannot withhold
So I lift my voice to accompany hers
And I sing for all it's worth

Maybe for just an audition, but nevertheless
To join in, even for a moment in her endless song
Her masterpiece that is all she is
And all that she would become"

This was beautiful, very expressive and meaningful. The only thing was in the third line I felt like you used "she" and "her" too much, and the wording was not the best, it just didn't read smoothly. Otherwise, I have no other suggestions at all. Keep up the impressive work...

Take care and God bless you, Child of God!

~MaryAnne

Just My Thought (2)
by Jad

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-13

"These are my thoughts,
And I have sought .
To wonder why we even write,
When it never catches anyone's sight."

This opening really grabbed me, the idea and what you would say next intrigued me.

Second line: Make that period a comma instead.


"The uselessness of words,
Though they often occur.
Is beyond my understanding,
Of the useless ranting."

I really don't like how you said "uselessness" and "useless" so close, I felt like that kind of threw me off, like a repeat.

I did love "uselessness of words", that was unique and kept my attention.


"We could write a thousand,
But it's like we never wrote ten.
It kills me slowly over and over,
Like I'm bearing a giant boulder."

To be honest, I don't like "ten" in the second line, maybe "any" would sound better?


"This poem is also true,
And who would have knew.
It was ever written today,
Beside who wrote it that way."

I think a question mark or two, or three can be added here.


"Even so all is not lost.
For once you remove the frost,
You can see it again.
For it no longer blends."

First line: Place a comma after "so".

I love the "frost" part, that was really good. Such a thoughtful write and well-expressed.



"So this is just my thought,
That my eyes had caught,
From writing so much.
Then no one ever gives it a touch."

I like the first two lines but the last two really didn't strike me.

Maybe change to this:

"Writing so very much,
That it never receives a touch."

Or something like that, the ending just didn't hit me, but the concept and idea in this poem was great, just what many of us are probably thinking!

4/5 from me, keep writing, always and forever..

~MaryAnne

Orange, yellow and even blue too (7)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-13

To be honest, I really didn't like the title, I know it was part of the poem, but it just didn't catch my eye.


"Red is the color that symbolizes love
Orange, yellow and even blue too
Yellow equals the happiness within"

Very true, this is how I see the colors too, well written so far.


"Green like the grass showing love to all
Blue as the sky showing freedom for all
Indigo lights illuminating the beautiful sky
Violet flowers lay the ground, where love is all around"

First line: This made me smile, the grass showing love, how sweet.

Second line: You already wrote "showing" and the repeat in such a small poem threw me off.

Third line: I did like "indigo lights", that was something I haven't heard used before.

Fourth line: "lay the ground" really didn't read the best, because of the wording.

And for the third time you repeated "all", which didn't hold my interest.

Overall, 4/5 from me, a little work could be done on this piece but it was unique, the idea of writing about the seven colors of the rainbow and what they symbolize.

Take care and God bless you.

~MaryAnne

Winters Death (12)
by Cindy

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-07

"Howling frigid north winds cease
Long cold nights come to an end
Sparkling blanket melts away
Feels like losing an old friend "

These opening words are so real and vivid, they just strike the reader and fill them with a sense of sadness and loss. Great rhyme and flow so far.


"Erased snowy wonderland
Frost gone from my window pane
Stark branches reach for the sky
Eagerly waiting spring rain"

My only suggestion here would be in the fourth line to add a "for" after "waiting", to me it would sound better.

I did like "erased snowy wonderland", very well worded and original.


"Blocking warmth of the sun
Time to pull closed the shades
Grieving my winters death
As life for me now fades"

This is such a sad ending, and I thought the concept of this piece was touching and made me think. I don't think I've read a poem like this...

I really did not like the second line to much, to me it would sound better if reworded to this (pull closed just sounded awkward to me)


"It's time to close the shades"

Or something to that extent.

Otherwise, great work, you words really got to me and indeed you got your message across clearly. Beautiful write.

Take care and God bless you, child of God!

~MaryAnne

Wanderlust (6)
by Krathia

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-06

"I walked in nightfall,"

This is a beautiful opening line, just the wording creates such a scene for the reader to imagine.
----------------------

"Stumbling along sinister lines
Of your smile."

Very unique, I quite enjoyed this line, it struck me and had me wanting more.
---------------------

"Untrodden paths slither
Beneath charcoal skies, trail of ashes"

That first line was original, and the thought of it stunned me.

"charcoal skies", great imagery here.

Since you "skies" is plural, I think "trail of ashes" would be better if changed to this:

"trails of ashes", it would just make more sense.
-------------------------


"Leading toward... somewhere,"

Okay, I didn't like "somewhere", it just dissapointed me and I thought it wasn't the right word. It just was blah and was more weak, try replacing it with something more creative.
------------------------


"Under burnt-out stars."

I loved this, I never thought that stars could be burnt-out, you have a terrific imagination.
-----------------------


"Faceless moon;"

One of my favorite lines, you are really wonderful with weaving words together, such uniqueness is held in the center of your words, keep it up!
-----------------------


"the occasional light
tumbled upon midnight roses."

This just stunned me, what imagery you have so cleverly created!
------------------------


"I wanted to... love one"

You express yourself so well and I liked the use of "..." it added a nice touch.
--------------------------


"Velvet dream, to kiss
your inky, wind-clear eyes, to caress
The glow of your parted -"

Great descriptions that really bring this poem so alive and real to the reader.
------------------------------


"No..."

This is like the turning point, I began to wonder why not? It made me think.
-------------------------


"Evanescent, like whispered melodies
from tired lips, you
vanished, leaving behind
midnight petals that drifted,
drifted, soundless, to my feet."

Wow, wonderful wording, I liked the repeat of "drifted", that added so much. Wasn't sure I liked the repeat of "midnight" though.

I think it would read better if "soundless" was changed to "soundlessly", otherwise, great stanza.
--------------------------


"Wandering upon songs
Of silence, I breathed out
Too many metaphors
That spelled out your name,
Too many sighs
That echoed your slumber."

This was a expressive stanza, I liked you wrote "I breathed out too many metaphors", that just took my breath away!
--------------------------


"Amore, I still dream..."

I really don't hear "amore" much, but it was beautiful here and this last line struck me and had me thinking over all you said. Just those four words, wow, what a powerful ending.

5/5 from me, you have so much talent and never give up writing, you have that talent for a reason.

Thanks so much for posting, this really was a pleasure to read and I enjoyed reading your work.

Take care and God bless you, child of God.

~MaryAnne

A Hotel Room (4)
by Vanilla

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-03

"There deep in the night, on a porch up high,
She's holding her breath, watching the passers-by,"

First line: This really caught my attention, I like how you started off with "There".

Second line: I think it would read and sound better if re-worded to this:

"She's holding her breath, watching people pass by,"

Or something to that extent.
--------------


"She knows not what they're thinking, and she doesn't really care,
So she turns around swiftly and leaves her broken chair."

Very expressive and descriptive, the rhyming here was great.
---------------


"She'll lie on her bed and wish to the night,
There's roses on the floor, she's a mess; a sight,
The clock counts the minutes while she counts the days,
And here on this hotel bed is where she will stay."

This is a interesting story and you have me reading on, about this girl's sad story.

The only thing I didn't like was the repeat of "she", it was used too much.
-----------------


"There's a knock on the door, but she doesn't hear,
She would be happy, even if it were her worst fear,
So she'll think of a place, where she once lived,
And the happiness that came, it always seemed to give."

The wording in line two sounded really awkward to me, so possibly re-word it.

Otherwise, great work here, you have me reading on.
-----------------


"The door creaks open, and in walks a man,
He's sweet and slow; advancing without a plan,
She's curled on the bed surrounded by soaking sheets,
Every hour of the night, she lays there to weep."

In the second line: For a better flow change "without a plan" to "with no plan".

Third line: I like the imagery here, you create a scene for the reader to imagine.
--------------------


"A rose in his hand, and a jacket on the floor,
He walks to the window, as if he's been here before,
He's not interested in games; he's not here to play,
And there on that hotel bed is where she will stay."

Wonderful feelings portrayed here, keep it up.
------------------


"He'll gaze out the window, and down at the streets,
He's dropping rose petals near people's feet,
The brightest of reds, in the darkest of nights,
He's watching the world, and its' silly fight."

Second line: "He's" should be "His".

I liked the third line the most, very unique with a hint of hope.
-------------


"Happy couples in their houses turn off the lights,
There's been enough living for tonight,
He walks to her side with a slight sway,
For here on this hotel bed is where she will stay."

Very sad, you have captured that sadness well here.
-------------------


"His hand lifts slowly and places on her chest,
The girl won't live her life; she needs her rest,
Like the tick-tock of the distant clock,
The world shut down and her body locked."

I liked "body locked", I haven't heard that term before.
------------------


"All her memories were taken away,
They'll be forgotten every day,
No one knew one disaster from the next,
To them she was just another train-wreck."

Second line: Maybe re-word to this:

"Left to be forgotten every day,"

It will sound a lot better.

Well-expressed emotions here, and how she is viewed by other people.
-----------------


"He left her with the roses that never died,
Like the attempt she gave life; at least she tried
Her body won't move, from day-to-day,
Here on this hotel bed is where she will stay."

Good ending, although you repeated "he" and "she" a lot, you told a heartbreaking story that struck the reader.

Take care and keep writing..

~MaryAnne

Misshaped blossom (1)
by Luna Blue

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-02

"Puzzle pieces, each one apart.
Together six,
surrounds all awkward."

I really didn't like that last line, to me it sounded awkward itself. This opening really didn't catch my eye that well, the wording was just there.


"To form an image,
of eastern blossom red.
Take one away,
and flower will turn dead."

These lines I loved though, they told such meaning and truth.



"Alas one piece, was taken too far.
Away from puzzle,
laid under wrong star.
Silver glittering moonlight,
from elsewhere aligned.
Knew soon again,
to be combined with ancient lines."

First line: At the end of this line replace the period with a comma.

The second line: This does not sound good with the above line, maybe change to this:

"Miles from the puzzle". Or something like that.

Third line: Replace the period with a comma, it will read more smoothly. Also, place "the" after "under".

Fourth line: I loved your wording here.

Fifth line: This was good, the imagery here was great!

Sixth line and seventh line: I didn't understand this part, who knew again? And I really don't get the ancient lines part, but that's just me.


"Passing these years, the ever lost part,
completed with six,
which once finished was.
But what is seen now?
The puzzle's not integral.
Since after this time,
it's input began to fall."

The first line was very well worded, it grabbed the reader.

Third line: The wording here is a bit awkward.

The rest of this stanza is great though, made me think and read on.


"No longer will be accomplished,
this blossom of eastern delight.
Still its shape fits unblemished.
Yet the truth shows,
this piece colored red,
no longer adds to flower,
as it's rotten, and misshaped left."

I did not like the different wording of the first line, it did not read smoothly and didn't fit in with the next line. I love the third and fourth line, what meaning you portray.

Sixth line: Place "the" after "to", it will make more sense.

The last line: I love the concept of this piece, and "rotton" was perfect to use but "mishapped left" sounds really awkward. Maybe change to this:

"as it's rotton, was left mishapped."

Or something to that extent.

Overall, 4/5 from me, some parts in this piece were a little hard to understand and could be cleared up. Your descriptions were very good though, keep writing, always and forever..

~MaryAnne

Mint Green Forest. (10)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-01

First I would like to say, congrats on winning in the contest! You are one of the most talented poets on this website and never give up writing, because you have beyond talent for it. I am sure years from now we will be seeing your work everyone. Keep it up!


"A mint green
forest of yawning
trees dissolve eerie
silence of a shaded
evening--"

First line: I love how you said "mint green" instead of "forest green" or "grass green". I really don't hear "mint" used very much and it gave off a refreshing sort of feeling.

Second line: Here starts your creativity, "yawning" was very vivid to me. I never really thought about that, tree yawning. Great use of your imagination.

Third line, fourth, fifth: Beautiful wording here that blows me away. Definetly your best nature poem so far, in my mind at least. "Shaded evening" was so graphic and those words just struck me. I'm speechless Temps!


"as their felted
limbs of emerald-"

Never heard of "felted" before used in a poem, and this line itself just set the scene for the reader. "emerald" is such a perfect word that portrays much beauty and you have used it well here. I just don't know what to say!


"drowsy by the sun's
uninviting glare;"

I like how you make this poem come so alive, this forest, these trees. The thought of the sun's glare being uninviting really caught my eye. I have never read anything like this, I am nominating this for sure! And it deserves to win a million time!


"blink
involuntarily with the
chilled breeze..."

"blink" was the perfect word to use and then the next few words were as enchanting as before.


"gently allowing their
exhausted arms"

I never gave thought to the fact that their arms would be exhausted, very good point.


"fall to the side,
bidding adieu--
sliding into a
much needed
slumber."

The ending, wow, stunning. I love how you end this piece, with them falling into a needed slumber.

Temps, I hope I am not scaring you, lol, but this poem is beyond brilliant! I am just in love with it after reading it over and over again. Your talent just shines through every word, every letter here. It just filled me with peace, this poem and joy for some reason. You brought nature alive to my eyes, and it felt so real to me. When I was reading this I felt and saw everything you described so well, and I just had this feeling, whenever I step out into nature....

100000/5 from me, what more can I say?

And I know you may not think this is your best, or even that great, but it made me think and just appreciate the forest even more, the poem you wrote really had an impact on me.

Wonderful wonderful work!

(do you kind of get that I love it?) lol.

~MaryAnne

Spring's Arrival. (2)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-01

"Colorful petals stiff from winter's frigid touch,"

Great adjectives here, it opens the piece up beautifully.


"sprinkled with bits of fresh fluffy snow,"

I like "fluffy", it really strikes an image in my mind of snow and how fluffy it is.


"droop low as they await spring's comfort."

I loved these lines, I never would have thought of this, petals waiting for the much anticpated spring to arrive.


"Bright warm sun beams down with light,"

Not the most unique line but still good.


"waking shy tulips from a deep rest."

One of my favorite lines, I like the thought of the sun waking the "shy" tulips up. Describing the tulips that way is brilliant.


"Their wings spread in pure delight."

Beautiful work, you need more commenters on this, where are they?


"Leaves curl their tips with a smile,"

Again, nice imagery here, you make the reader see another side of nature.


"no longer shrivled but sturdy,"

Yes, I love when leaves look like this, stunning.


"as snow becomes melted and drips."

Not the strongest line, maybe change to this:

"as snow softens to droplets", or something more original, just my opinion though.


"Rain falls kissing each one gently,"

Place a comma after "falls" for a smoother read. But what is the rain kissing? "each one" is referring to what?


"perfume from beautiful flowers escape,
filling the air with the arrival of spring."

A good ending, satisfying the reader with the very thought.

4/5 from me, a bit of work can be done but the concept of this was enchanting. Keep it up!

~MaryAnne

Catch me, Darling. (1)
by Cayce

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-30

"And it's morning's like these,
that always produce the best words.
When my brain isn't quite awake,
yet there's no way I can sleep."

A great way to open up this piece, I love your wording, it just kept me reading.


"fall..
fall..
fall..
That's all I seem to be doing,
now that you've come into my life,
and I love you for it, darling."

Wow, this was very unique and I loved how you wrote this poem. A very different way to express yourself.


"The rush in my head,
like a needle in my vein,
except for when I crash,
it's going to be a worse pain."

Good rhyming and flow.


"And, no, I wasn't supposed to make that rhyme."

This kind of made me smile, it was a bit off course of your concept.


"Catch me?
Didn't think so."

These two lines were very simple but added a nice touch to the poem.


"I wouldn't want you to anyways."

Change "to" to "now", it will read much better.


"Your hands are too cold,
and you're arms are too strong.
You might crush me, dear."

This was very original I thought, I am just wanting to read more and more.



"....Catch me?"

Loved how the poem ended with this question. This piece was very well written and just left me speechless. Your talent poured through on this one, hanging on each word.

~MaryAnne

Candle Flames and Little Girls (1)
by Cayce

commented by Abortion Murders Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-30

First, I woud like to say that the title really caught my eye. It was unique and different, making me wonder what this poem was going to hold.



""The candle flame, it flickers,
as she stares into the light.
Tries to burn the thoughts away,
she tries with all her might."

Beautiful opening, great flow and rhyming. I loved your wording and this just brought the reader in.


"But they just won't go away,
they torture and taunt her soul,
but why should she care?
She already knew she wasn't whole."

I liked the wording in the second line, "taunt" is the perfect word to use there.

The last two lines struck the reader and give off such a sense of loneliness.


"She's broken, torn
ripped apart at the seams.
Like a messed up teddy bear,
that haunts the little girl's dreams."

This was not the best, but it was different. The wording was not like above but you expressed yourself well.


"My one hundredth poem,
guess it should be more.
It's not glamorous or creative.
The word choice is pretty poor.
But the little girl doesn't care,
she's still staring into the flame.
F.uck you, and all these thoughts.
The little girl died, what a shame."

The rest of the poem ran off course, I would not say "My hundreth...guess it should be more..the word choice.." because that is just venting and maybe you can put that on the bottom...The last line also hinted towards sarcasm, it just didn't strike me. It was a huge let down, and with the swear word too, it just didn't fit. I was hoping for a sad and haunting ending, not a venting..The beginning was very excellent though. 4/5 from me, I hope things are better for you.

~MaryAnne

Tale of a Thousand Dreams (2)
by Shinobi

commented by Prolife And Proud ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-27

I really like the title, it was unique and caught my eye.


"The rising moon and the sleeping sun
Has told a tale of a thousand dreams
Of true love, of a couple together as one
All seems perfect under the bright warm beams"

First line: I love how you described the moon and sun. "sleeping sun" was just beautiful.

Second line: Great how you put the title into this piece.

Third line: I didn't really like how you repeated "of", maybe just change to this:

"Of true love, a couple together as one."

Fourth line: This was a good ending line, but I didn't like "bright warm" to describe beams. I thought those two words were just a bit cliche. That's just my opinion though.
----------------


"Found each other not so long ago
reached for the forbidden fruit of temptation
But what the young man didn't seem to know
Are the consequences of his past obligation"

First line: Good job so far, this is a emotion filled piece.

Second line: Wonderful wording here, I loved how you said "forbidden fruit of temptation".

Third line: This is an interesting write so far, very descriptive you are in your words.

Fourth line: Maybe instead of "Are" at the beginning you could change it to "Was". To me it would sound better. I did like this part though, carry on.
-----------------------


"To love forever, through thick and thin
Through pain and sorrow, happiness and joy
All surrounds the one feeling within
The big love they shared, no one can destroy"

No suggestions here except in the last line where I felt "big" was not the right word, it just didn't fit, maybe use a synonym? Otherwise, very heartfelt words...
---------------------


"She was experienced, in all life's twisted ways
Found and lost, and yet found once more
She fell for the young men, fell for his heart
Loved him to her very essence, to her unstable core"

First line: Great descriptions as I said before.

Second line: It is good she was found once again.

Third line: Here I do like the repeat of "fell" it added a nice touch.

Fourth line: "unstable core" was unique, nice work so far.
-----------------------


"All wanted to take it, the forbidden fruit
But one thing always enraged to their aid
While they're together, their strong and firm root
Will let no curious intruder invade"

First line: No suggestions, this was good.

Second line: I felt "enraged to their aid" was very well worded, caught my eye.

Third line: No suggestions, I liked how you described their love, strong and firm root.

Fourth line: That is good to know, I liked "curious intruder invade", very good imagery.
-----------------------


"Yet, after all those gestures and thoughts
I still feel as something is not always right
How did I won this amazing person's heart
Without a strife, or any kind of a fight"

Just add a question mark at the end of that last line and this stanza will be perfect. The rhyming and flow here was right on target and got me thinking too what you were thinking.
---------------------


"For that I'm grateful, for everything we share
Through thick and thin, happiness and ache
I'll do anything for her, everything I can bare
Just for her to be happy, just for her sake"

I didn't like in the second line that you repeated "thick", "thin" and "happiness", maybe change it up a bit? Make it a bit different but still giving off the same message. Otherwise, this was a heartfelt ending showing how much you care. Such powerful words.

4/5 from me, I felt a bit of work needs to be done but your message was striking to the reader and touched them.

Keep writing, never give that up, take care.

~MaryAnne

Crimson Stripes (22)
by Quiet Insanity

commented by Prolife And Proud ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-27

"Clouds of betrayal thick in the morning air,
humble man in ragged clothes his fate they prepare,"

The first line was very eye-catching, I liked "clouds of betrayal" haven't heard that one before.

In the second line, you should place a comma after "clothes" for a better read.
-----------------------------

"accused and abandoned condemned this gentle man,"

To understand and read better maybe reword to this:

"accused and abandoned, condemned was this gentle man,".
------------------------------


"all in the name of love, the Fathers forgiveness plan."

I like how this was worded, it struck the reader. Did you mean to say "Father's" or "Fathers"?
---------------------------

"Streams of blood flow in his eyes from thorns upon his head,"

This was very descriptive and heartbreaking, well-penned though.
-------------------------------

"stripes of red deep and wide the crimson rivers spread,"

Place a comma after "red".
-----------------------------------

"rugged cross of splintered wood heavy on his back."

The imagery here is fantastic and gives off such pain and hurt. You described and explained how he felt very well though.
------------------------------------

"verbal shouts and rocks are thrown unmerciful attack."

This was very meaningful and powerful, but for a better understanding, reword to this:

"verbal shouts and rocks are thrown, what a unmerciful attack."
------------------------------

"Valley rings of the sound crude nails ripping skin,"

Place "The" before "valley" and change to what Temps suggested:

"The valley rings of crude nails ripping skin,"

It sound a lot better when read but it is up to you.
------------------------------

"cracking of precious bone sun paling with chagrin,"

"bone" would sound better plural.

Place a comma after "bones".

I loved the imagery portrayed here though, "sun paling with chagrin" was brilliant.
---------------------------------

"weeping of the faithful orchestrate the evening air,
spirit leaves the dying flesh soulfully hanging there."

Amazing descriptions and emotions given off, you set the scene so well for the reader.
-----------------------------

"A mother cries; falls to her knees weakened from the loss,"

I think this would sound better like this:

"A mother cries; falling on her weakened knees" or something to the extent like what Temps suggested.
-------------------------

"for us to have eternal life he paid the final cost,"

So true, he really did and so much meaning is held right here.
---------------------------

"body limp and lifeless he's taken gently down,"

Place a comma after "lifeless" and you have described this so well, its so breathtaking and hard to understand that He died for us, sinners, to save our sins. Can you believe that?
-----------------------------

"king of kings will rise again to wear heavens crown. "

"heavens" should be "heaven's".

I love the ending, its filled with hope and spreads that on to the reader, making them feel satisfyed with that hope.

Overall, 4/5 from me, there are minor spots that could be cleaned up, mainly your punctuation. Otherwise, the meaning held here was excellent and you struck the reader, making them feel all that you wanted them too.

Great work, keep it up!

~MaryAnne

Poet's Rainbow (31)
by Quiet Insanity

commented by Prolife And Proud ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-27

"What lies dominant in a poets mind till exhumation?"

I love when poems open up with a question, and this really made the reader think. I like the depth in your vocab, "exhumation" was a great word.


"Imprisoned till the key is turned and shackles fall to the ground
releasing an electrically charged rainbow lighting each corner of the spectrum
from the depth of the soul to the blinding light of inspiration."

The descriptions you give off and imagery just blow the reader away, you have such a unique and original way of expressing yourself, its so refreshing to the reader and everyone else.


"........Color of Imagination.."

I really thought it was brilliant how you repeated this "Color of...." throughout this piece, it added so much to this poem and just standing alone here, it holds much meaning.


"Vibrant firework display of ideas that tease the typewriter"

A very creative line, I found this extremely interesting.


"imagination becomes the vehicle that turns the kaleidoscope wheel.
Emotions colorful dance bring shame to the Aurora Borealis
obscurity touches reality, surrealism morph to magic."

Wow, amazing! How can anyone find any mistakes in this poem, it is just flawless. Your wording is not cliche in the least bit and holds my interest while at the same time changing my view and bringing me into a new one.


"........Color of emotion.."

Loved this, your brilliance shines here and everywhere.


"Dream on Poet; let creative waters flow gently"

You really inspire the reader here and give them encouragement, and "creative waters flow gently" was very calming and inspiring.


"entertaining the curious, filling a dreamers heart."

This part really got me, you describe so much of all, not leaving one thing out on the side.


"Liquid words flow through your pen to solidify on paper"

"Liquid words" I have not heard before, it added a nice touch.

"solidify" was also a great word to use, since I don't hear it used much.


"documenting the emotional creative moment."

Well-penned so far, this is a masterpiece and well deserved of the win.


".......Colors of originality ..."

The whole concept of this piece is brilliant itself and this line just strengthens the poem so much.


"Absorb criticism yet strain it through understanding,
savor reviews of enjoyment and fame.
Tell the world your story in eloquent words of your own
choosing freely or in rhyme."

A flawless ending, so meaningful and deep. You are a brilliant poet and will go very far here on poems and quotes and in life. Already you have started off here with a win, so congratulations!

I am sorry I did not comment this sooner, its a very late comment.

5/5 from me, wish I could give more.

Never stop writing, you have such talent

~MaryAnne

My Black Dress (11)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Prolife And Proud ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-27

First off Ingrid, I would like to say that I loved the different format this was written in, not the usual but different.



"In the far corner of my closet
my black dress awaits me patiently,"

I loved this opening lines, describing so much in such few words. I never would have thought of a piece of clothing waiting for you patiently, that was very unique and added a person like personality to this black dress. Very eye-catching, keep it up.


"never worn- for I despise this dismal color.
No, I much prefer the cheerful ones:
red, orange, green, turquoise
in soft and silky fabrics
upon my grateful skin."

I wasn't at all expecting this, well-expressed feelings about this dress. I loved your wording, "dismal" and "grateful skin" I haven't heard before and you used them so well. I love cheerful colors too, they add so much joy to your day!


"It reflects my temperament,
for I have a joy for life
displayed abundantly."

Very well-worded, and this is how many probably feel, but you explain yourself so very well, it just amazes the reader and interests them.


"There are those who might say
it is easy to smile
when Lady Luck is riding
besides you always."

"Lady Luck" I have not heard before, this was quite unique, each line is so surprising and breathtaking, not at all the usual expected writes that people might read. And you make a very good point too, such wise words you have woven together, good job Ingrid.


"The ignorant ones...
For they do not know
one only learns to truly
be happy with all one's being
and appreciate life to its full extent
after having touched upon
the darkest corners
of our existence."

So true, these lines especially touched me. You speak such truth and thank you for showing and spreading that truth to the readers all around.


"I have my cross,
just don't flaunt it,
for we all have one
and blessed are those,
who know,
the true lesson of life
is to accept all
and be grateful still,"

I loved how you said "and blessed are those", it reminded me of the Beatitudes from the bible.


"for life does not owe us anything.
If ever this feeling should leave me,
that has been with me from day one
[waking up on Christmas morning]"

Loved the example given, your creativity shines so brightly here.


"Then
I will wear my black dress
and join the ones I love so dearly,
awaiting me
on the other side."

A flawless ending, very powerful and striking. This just left me speechless it was so meaningful and deep. You really made the reader think, and that's what I loved about this piece. Just amazing, keep it up!

5/5 from me, keep writing..

~MaryAnne

Precious willow...... (5)
by ASPHYXIATED

commented by Prolife And Proud ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-25

"He always stands all alone there,"

I felt the first line to be a bit awkward, maybe change to this:

"He always stands abandoned there,"
-----------------------------------------


"His arms are slowly turning bare,"

I liked this description here, I never would have thought of a willow tree that way. Beautiful imagery and creativity shown though.
-------------------------------------------


"Day after day,night after night,"

I would just put a spaec after that first comma.
----------------------------------------

"Not a piece of life in sight."

This speaks of such sadness, good job though so far.
---------------------------------------

"Trough snow and rain,"

"Trough" should be "Through".
---------------------------------

"He'd take any pain,
He'd always stand tall,
No matter what the call."

First line was good, showing how much he sacrificed. The second line I felt could be better worded so as not to repeat "stand".

Third line was great, it shows how much this willow tree did and how much strength he had.
-----------------------------------------

"A few kids thought it fun,
To chop him down,look at what they done,"

Okay I think you can sepearte that second line, and just take "look at what they done" to a next line, instead of fitting both on there.

So it would look like this:

"A few kids thought it fun,
To chop him down,
look at what they done,"

Second line: Maybe add "violently" after "him".

Third line: Change "they" to "they've".
--------------------------------------

"Our precious willow now is gone,
After being there for so long."

First line: I loved how you said this, kind of a dedicationg to this wonderful tree that is now dead.

Second line: I didn't feel this as strong for the ending, instead of just saying "being there" maybe you could be more descriptive like "being a friend", or something like that.
------------------------------------------

I know this is one of your older writes, like really older, but I wanted to comment on something not many have. 4/5 from me, there are a lot of spots that can be touched up, but overall this was good. It just needs a bit of work.

God bless you!

~MaryAnne

Into The Unknown. (16)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Prolife And Proud ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-23

"A pallid rose"

I loved how you opened this piece, good imagery.


"with edges outlined
charcoal black
accentuates burned
hope"

I love your usage of words, they created so many emotions/feelings and images. That word "accentuates" is perfectly used here, it sounds beautiful when read.


"--shaped by
expired dreams."

First, I would like to say I thought it was great how instead of saying "created by" or "made by" you said "shaped by". I don't hear that often.

And then, "expired dreams" just blew me away...Flawless, wouldn't change a thing.


"Unspoken secrets
entwine in spiral
formation; sealed
beneath the heart's
core--emotions
camouflaged."

Well-explained Temps, great verbs that makes this poem so fresh to read. You get the reader into your thoughts and feelings.


"Twirling it's fragile
stem betwixt
trembling fingertips;"

I love how you describe everything like "trembling" for fingertips, but you do not go overboard with the adjectives. I never have heard "betwixt" before, I liked how it sounded when read, different and mysterious.


"it's shadow appears
below, atop
translucent
waters."

Great work, not my favorite, since "appears" is so common but it was still good.


"An effortless toss,
and it's set afloat
into the unknown;"

This was striking to the read, "into the unknown" just amazed the reader and kind of stunned them for a second.


"swimming freely--
while shifted by
rapid currents of
a waterfall."

Loved the ending, this is my all time favorite style of writing, free verse the way you do it. It makes the poem so easy and flowing to read and really adds a nice touch.

This was brilliant Temps, even beyond that, your poems just keep getting more professional, but then again you were already that a long time ago! I love reading your poetry and watching your poems grow more in-depth and powerful. So congrats on this piece, never get rid of it, its a gem.

5/5 from me, God bless you!

~MaryAnne

Non-Cliche Moment. (3)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by ABORTION KILLS CHILDREN ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-20

Yes, first one to comment again!

Temps, I knew you could come up with a piece, I'm so happy that you got inspired and came up with this masterpiece. You tried and did wonderful! So, congrats on that Temps.

The title: Loved it! It was well-thought and you do do a nice job with titles...


"I've always wanted to fall--"

This line brought me in, I was wondering, why are you feeling like this? It was very intriguing and had me wanting more.


"absorbing that ineffable
feeling;"

Nice word choice here, "ineffable" was a great word to use here, for sure caught my eye.


"the one you get
plummeting down a steep
hill exceeding the speed
limit on a country road."

I found this to be very descriptive and I got a clear image of what you were talking about. Well-written.


"But I want to take that plunge
with you, and escape to that
non-cliche moment;"

My favorite part! "plunge" was the perfect vocabulary to use. You always express your feelings so well, and you really got me into what you were saying.


"where
you're in the passenger seat
and I'm glancing through
the deep love unspoken
by your smiling eyes."

Wonderful emotion here, and again, you clearly get all you want to say across.


"In the end whispering as I
plant kisses upon your lips
of the sweetest scent..."

I felt like "In the end" was a bit awkward, the first line didn't make sense to me. Maybe re-word to this:

"In the end I whisper as I"

Or something like that, it reads and sounds better.


"'Thanks for watching as I fall' "

Well done Temps. You really focused on the quote and kept that interest in the reader. I did like how you end your piece with the quote. I will have to try this sometimes, it sounds fun.

Anyway, 5/5 from me, your poems never fail to amaze me and even if you say your newest one is bad, it never is, you just have the talent Temps. Keep that with you forever and never stop writing...

Have a great week.

~MaryAnne

Crumbled Lungs. (11)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Prolife And Proud ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-15

"I find it tiring to breathe
when you're not near
to pollute the air with
your velvet words of love."

I thought this was a very unique stanza, I love your style of writing Temps, a very smooth flowing write. I liked the descriptions and the way they were worded. Those last two lines took my breath away and hold such meaning. Can't wait to read more..


"It feels like someone
has crumbled my lungs--
into small fragments of sand;
shoved them into an
hourglass; and now here
I am--helpless; awaiting
the departure of time; life."

I really like the verb "has crumbled", I would have thought you would write "has crushed my lungs", or something, but this is much more original. "small fragments of sand", very descriptive, sets the scene perfectly. The last two lines struck the reader, I love your usage of ";"s, they create such an effective pause.

Excellent emotions expressed, keep it up!


"I'm choking on this oxygen;
for that's all I ever relied
on was life support; you--
to maintain consciousness."

I liked this, "choking on this oxygen" wasn't the most creative line but it did well here. Those two lines in the middle were good, your poems just keep getting better and better.


"But now--you've vanished;
my lungs have decayed in
this hourglass; time has
been consumed; and I
am finally dead; life
does not exist."

I really enjoyed how you just didn't have a boring form, structure I mean. But you added ";"s and "--" which I thought was a nice touch. "my lungs have decayed in this hourglass", great imagery here Temps, this was just stunning and once again you let out your creativity. "and I am finally dead; life does not exist." <- That was a powerful ending, such simple lines but they hit the reader, and leave them wanting more.

Wow, 5/5 from me, this was just amazing!

You have my vote! Have a good night.

~MaryAnne

A Beautious Expedition (9)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Planned Parenthood Steals Souls ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-13

"Nothing's everlasting
for the roads are long and winding
littered with debris of broken hearts;
but it's worth all the struggle
for everything's photographed."

First line: I like how you just start off with a plain statement...

Second line: I have to agree with Temps on this one, I didn't really like how it was just "for the roads", because I didn't know what roads, the roads of life or love?

Third line: This was a very unique line, I liked the imagery created and you gave much description for the reader.

Fourth line: This line is so true, great job so far.

Fifth line: This was something I never have heard before, I'm not quite sure I understand what it means though.


"Nothing's everlasting
for hearts do indeed collapse
under the pressure of affection;
but with tender intentions
the heart does reverse."

I loved the repetition of "Nothing's everlasting", that added a nice touch.

Second line: The wording here was great, you really get your message across to the reader.

Third line: Wow, this is original, I never would have thought about it that way.

Fourth and fifth line: Well-expressed, you really struck the reader and I was completely captivated. Your words speak such truth..


"Nothing's everlasting,
although we always can dream
and embrace the warmth that lies within,
for a calloused heart
becomes un-smothered."

Second and third line: Wonderful emotions and imagery given off, this is so fresh to read.

Fourth and fifth line: I really thought this was unique, I don't hear "calloused" often and you described everything so well here.


"Nothing's lasting,
for it all must come to an end,
but when in the arms of a loved
the surrounding world becomes unfocused,
stopping in time."

First line: Did you mean to change "everlasting" to "lasting"? It surprised me, that's all.

Second line: Yep, that's so right.

Third line: Maybe add "one" after "loved", it just sounds and reads better to me.

Fourth and fifth line: Wow, this is beautifully said, these lines were a joy to read.


"The roads might be a little hazy
but for a moment, they'll be cleared
and perhaps you'll find your way
through the beauty of the expedition
that's raveling within your heart."

First and second line: These lines hinted towards hope in the next couple of lines, and you kept the reader wanting more. By the way, nice flow, this read so smoothly.

Third, fourth and fifth: Your vocabulary here was very deep and powerful. I loved how you said, "perhaps you'll find your way through the beauty of the expedition...", well-expressed thoughts and feelings here. This simply stunned me. You have a way with capturing the reader and bringing the piece alive to them, so they feel what is going on, not just reading it.


"Love is never promised,
but it's worth all the risk
for the reward is a pair of wings
with hope of flight
without all the littered debris."

First and second line: These two lines hold truth and inspiration, showing that love is worth any risk, all of them.

Third and forth and fifth: This shocked me, I completely was not expecting this at all! I love the creativity just oozing out of each word. A pair of wings, with hope of flight, without all the littered debris. That's just so promising and hopeful. It gives the reader much inspiration. Nice work..


"Life is a quest full of roads,
long, short, up, and down,
but it is only you
who makes the decision
which way to go."

All lines: This is a life message, it speaks the truth and how only you can make the decision. Well-said.


"The roads may be long and winding,
but that won't stop me
from taking a journey to your heart."

I loved the repetition of the first line, and I felt the ending to be very strong. You are so sure and nothing will stop you, I love that attitude that is portrayed here. That last line was so strong and powerful, well done.

5/5 from me, just some minor things but otherwise this was a masterpiece.

Take care and have a good night..

~MaryAnne

Dwindling Inspiration. (6)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Planned Parenthood Steals Souls ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-10

"A bounteous tree embracing
flowers traced with hues
of my inspiration..."

This was a breathtaking opening, I loved the unique wording, it kept me reading and had me wanting more and more. I love the description of the tree, "bounteous". Beautiful opening...

"d

---w

i
-----n

d
----- l

e"

I was very surprised with this "dwindle" part, I quite liked it thought, it fit well in the poem. Nice job with your creativity and imagination Temps!


"from a dull imagination--
until they reach the ground
void of emotion; motionless."

Wow, I am stunned so far by your words, not even kidding, and trust me, everything does make sense in my mind. I love how you give so many descriptions, just of everything around you.


"Soon I'm surrounded by
scattered blossoms--
that lack significance."

These were my favorite lines, I liked the style of this poem a lot, very refreshing to read. I want to say so much more, but I don't know what to say, I'm just speechless. That last line was perfect, it gives the reader far more than an idea of the blossoms, you just mesmerized me with this whole idea.


"Threading their fragile
petals together--hopeless
just like sculpting a poem."

I thought that out of all the stanzas, this one was the most unique. "Threading their fragile petals together", what flawless lines that hold so much meaning. I did like the simile at the end, nice work!


"The more blossoms that shed
from the tree of my imagination--
the less the creativity."

Excellent ending, you summed this up so very well. You had me wanting much much more. This is by far one of the best poems on here, not even kidding, and I know I have probably repeated myself many times!

Good job Temps, really this is going on my favorites, you are one fantastic poetess, keep it up!

~MaryAnne

Eyes Scripted with Faith. (6)
by Blissful

commented by Planned Parenthood Steals Souls ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-10

"I'm sick of building castles in the sand
just to gaze as it's immersed within
the opaque waves galloping forth.
What's the point in all the struggle?
For nothings everlasting."

This was a very strong opening, and that first line completely drew me in, it was just so unique. The concept of "waves galloping forth", was very creative in my mind, I haven't heard that one before. I also liked the question tagged on, it made the reader think.

"nothings" should be "nothing's".


"I'm sick of unfastening my heart,
only to witness it's collapse,
at the grapple of your love,
which grips no mercy
as it tears without remorse"

Well-expressed feelings here, your word usage was quite stunning, I don't here many people use the word "grapple" much. Nice work so far Bliss.


"I'm sick of choking on your lies,
although they taste so sweet
and always linger on the tip
of a tongue swollen
with callous"

Honestly, I haven't heard "choking on your lies" much before, so personally I think its fine the way it is. The rest is very descriptive and fresh, you really help the reader understand and bring them into this piece.


"I'm sick of feeling,
for I wish to be numb,
but in the lowest point of sorrow
answers are uncloaked
to bleak eyes"

I think that the first line would read better like this: "I'm sick of having feeling,".

I do agree with Temps on the "uncloaked" part though, to me it just didn't fit. I do like her idea of changing it to "revealed". That's just my opinion though.


"The castle might be whisked away
but for a moment, it will exist in glory
and perhaps years later no one will remember
but you'll still ravel in the pride
it took to craft such beauty"

Beautiful stanza, you kept my attention and held it there. Carry on...


"Love is not promised for every open heart
but the risk doesn't match it's reward
for how will a soul learn to earn wings
without being plunged into uncertainty
with hope of survival"

I liked your wording a lot here, and you gave out your true thoughts on this, nice work. I did feel like you need to add a question mark at the end of this stanza. I felt like it would strengthen the poem, but that's just me.


"Not all alluring lips speak sin
so don't be jaded by each lie
for some words hold the gift
to spark life into a spirit
that forgot to live"

Wow, I haven't heard "jaded" before, I like that one a lot. Also, "spark life" really grabbed my attention, nice work so far.


"You're faced with a fork in the road
wallow in the darkness?
Or with the speck of strength that still lingers
search for a crevice...an escape
only visible to eyes scripted with faith"

The first two lines were brilliant, really made me think. In the third line, I felt "lingers" wasn't the right word, you already used it earlier, and it kind of ruined it for me. The last two lines though blew me away. Each word you write is very entrancing and makes me want more. The whole idea of this piece is brilliant Bliss, good work.


"I'm sick of building castles in the sand
but that won't stop me
from picking up the shovel"

A very strong and satisfying ending, I enjoyed this piece greatly, and although it was long it held so much meaning and depth. Take care and God Bless you! 5/5 from me.

~MaryAnne

Midnight Serenade (21)
by Lonely Rider

commented by Planned Parenthood Steals Souls ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-10

"Beneath the midnight sky of June
cuddled in silky strands of moon,
violet blends reflected by
shimmering glow of firefly."

I really like how you describe what month it is and where this poem is taking place. Also, in the second line "cuddled" adds so much imagery. I like the way you worded everything in the second line, its just so unique and not cliche at all. In the third line your words kept my attention and had me visualizing every word. The fourth line was one of the best in this stanza. I love the word "shimmering" first of all, its out there you know? Its not a plain kind of word. The rest of the line was written so beautifully I just had to read on.


"Daffodils in pinkish gown
crickets jumping all around,
pearls of dew rest on a bloom
near the tawny plump mushroom."

Wow, you know I sometimes find it harder to rhyme without it being forced, but here its just wonderful. The first line was the best in my opinion. I would have just written probably "Pink daffodils", but you have gone beyond that and this just painted such purity and beauty in my mind! The second line was okay, I felt it to be the only line that wasn't as unique as others, but it was still good. In the third line, more creativity! Instead of just saying "sparkling dew", you say "pearls of dew", nicely worded, that just blew me away! The fourth line was cute, it made me smile that you put mushrooms in your poem, nice job!


"Slowly skyline stirs the hue
Orange mixed with tinge of blue,
grey silhouettes fade away
sunbeams spread its magic spray."

A stunning ending, truly this just left me speechless. The first line was so deep and entrancing and the second line gave the reader even more colors to imagine. The third and fourth line had me wanting more, they were just so flawless. 5/5 from me, you are one terrific poetess. There was so much creativity and originality oozing out of every line. High five for that! I am going to nominate this for the weekly contest, good luck.

~MaryAnne

A Ride Through the Desert. (9)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Planned Parenthood Steals Souls ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-10

"A true cowboy sits atop"

I like how you introduce this piece, with a scene and a character. Saying that this cowboy is "true" is good to know, because it gives the reader an idea that this is the real deal, you know? I also thought "sits atop" was unique instead of just saying "sits".


"his horse; dressed in faded
Levi's and black boots--"

Good descriptions, I didn't think this was the most out there, but it was just simple and plain yet vivid.

"cowboy hat upon his head."

I thought this was a little to simple and I think it would read better like this:

"A weathered cowboy hat perched upon his head."

I just added "perched" for more uniqueness, I think that word would fit perfectly. I also think you should add "weathered" because this cowboy is out there on his horse, in the weather, with his hat. If you don't like my suggestions than maybe try describing the hat somehow else, like that's its made of leather, what color, what designs, etc.


"Adrenaline rushes through
his veins; as he gets ready
to ride."

This was a well-expressed stanza, but like some of the above parts I thought this could be more elaborate. "Adrenaline rushes through his veins" I really have heard this a lot, maybe use a synonym for "rushes". Something less used and more creative. Just my opinion. I do like how you add that this happens as he is getting ready to ride, good descriptions of what's going on then.


"A slight tug on the reins--"

Now this line was great, the word "tug" is very different and provides much imagery. Nice job here, I expected "pull" but not "tug".

"sets the two off on an
adventure through the
pine trees;"

I like how you include the horse, the way you worded it made it sound like these were two friends going on a journey. This sounds so intriguing, I used to ride when I was younger, it was magnificent. But I quit for various reasons. One of my childhood dreams was to own a ranch when I was out of college and have tons of horses, and have a trail that my friends and I would go riding on everyday. That's a huge dream of mine, just the idea of this makes me dream and imagine. Thanks for that!

"the horse's
hooves kicking up dirt
and dust as he gallops
along;"

This was alright, not my favorite. I still think this could be more elaborate. Maybe change it this:

"the horse's hooves
punching the ground
With his fierce blow
As he races across
the deep forest;"

This was just an idea, there are many ways you could make it more detailed.


"following his
companion's commands."

I quite enjoyed this stanza, this explains his loyalty and determination to follow his commands.


"Serenity embraces
them as they stop by a
lake to absorb the
beautiful scenery."

This was simple yet meaningful, it was a bit plain if you want my honest view, but it was still not boring, it was entrancing.


"Flowers welcome
them with their lasting
scent;"

I love this part, how cute and lovely! Nice work, this is such a happy stanza!

"a moment
of silence is shared."

Brilliant lines, I felt this was beautiful, it had a nice touch on the reader.


"Before long-- the two
set off into the sunset;
continuing their adventure
through the desert."

The ending was good, really good. Completely summing everything up, but maybe you could replace "adventure" with "journey", since you already used "adventure".

Okay so overall, 4/5 from me. One line would be brilliant and then the next disappointing. I think you just need to work on keeping it detailed and non-cliche. Maybe this is just my view but I really want to give good advice, I hope I did. In some parts I was so shocked at the beauty you created, and then the next line would be simple and not descriptive enough, it kind of let me down. Just work on that but there is tons of potential in this piece Temps. There were many parts I did enjoy, and thanks for the journey that I took myself reading this. With a little work, this piece will be stronger. Thanks for reading all of this, I hope I have helped you. I have never read a poem like this, so good idea on writing it. Take care and God Bless you!

~MaryAnne

Defiance (8)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Planned Parenthood Steals Souls ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-10

"Defiance - the hunger of survival."

I really like how you defined your title, this was a strong opening line, very well worded.

Right away when I first looked at this piece, I could tell it was going to be different in a good way, I love the structure, it strengthens this piece.


"Followed. Murdered.
The tidings of intelligent activity (derailed; recycled.)
Individual hunger lingers in the depths of the woods;
searching for shelter, hunting for food - voracious."

Wow, I have never read a poem like this before. Your wording blows me away and is so descriptive. Such a vivid scene you have created in front of my eyes, and your vocabulary is deep and intense, truly explained all that's going on.


"A community of hearts
...torn apart
......Persecuted
..........Faithful
.............Murdered."

I liked what you did here with the periods, this was very unique and had a nice touch. This was well-written too, what powerful words.


"The massacres evolve...with ravenous games,
while the chambers of hell extend regular flames.
Survival amongst death despite endless starvation,
they fight for their lives; God's faithful creation."

Your words speak such a horrible truth, you expressed the terror and evil well, and how the people are striving to live, though its harder than ever. Wonderful job so far.


"There's freedom sought with...

pride,
...courage,
......and hope

defining worlds humanity;"

I like the originality portrayed here, excellent job so far. So much meaning is held in your words in every line.


"Adversary: artificial pursuit arranged, scouted then degaged,
the Einsatzgruppen hunted, laughing at the pleasure they gained.
Slaughtering house - chambered then gassed or lined and executed,
an distinguished existence now altered: described as "The Holocaust."

Wow, you have described so much hate and the whole horror and sickness of the Holocaust. To think that these evil people killed for the pleasure just sends a sickening want for revenge in your heart. Well-written, you have summed up all the terror in your own words and managed to blew me away.

5/5 from me, a brilliant and powerful write.

~MaryAnne

For sure going on my favorites.

What's your Impression? (8)
by Blissful

commented by Trust In The Lord ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-29

"You can say I'm an idealist"

This first line was perfect for the opening line. It really made the reader think like why would we call you an idealist? And stuff like that. This was very entrancing and had me wanting to read on to what was next.


"with one eye always open"

Wonderfully-worded, this had me wanting to know what your one eye is always open to.


"to reality"

Two powerful words, I liked this, well done.


"Maybe a walking contradiction?"

Excellent question. I love when questions are in a poem, it gives it more depth and power. And it also makes the reader ponder more on what you are saying. So good job so far, it was clever to put this in!


"You can say dreams are my armor"

I quite liked this little line and as Joe stated above, repeating "You can say" was a nice touch. Good job so far!


"yet they blind me"

I didn't find this the best word usage, but it was still good.


"from reality"

Wonderful, I love what you are saying here.


"Silly dreamer, it's time to wake up."

This was a powerful line, but not quite sure if I liked "silly".


"You say I lose myself in faith"

I noticed you didn't write "You can say", which is what we were expecting. Nice work!


"although it doesn't reflect
reality"

Wow, it just keeps getting better and better. The repetition used was brilliant and you used it perfectly, to give the poem more meaning and depth.


"Perhaps I'm a good role-player?
...have you all fooled."

Again, nice job with the question. There is so much meaning in all of your words, and I love the depth in each and every line. I didn't really like the "..." but that's just my opinion.


"You say...they say...whatever."

Not your best line, I didn't like how you used ".." it just didn't strike me. Maybe take the suggestion Joe provided.


"I say the horizon holds a promise
To guide my spirit, give it wings"

Two of my favorite lines! They are filled with such hope and your wording was fresh and creative.


"What will you say
...when I'm gone?"

A question to end it is always a nice touch, bringing the reader in and thinking about it at the end. You outdid yourself Bliss, this was a joy to read.

Great job, I will nominate this for sure!

Take care and God Bless You!

~MaryAnne

The Window of Distress (16)
by Hollow Emotion

commented by Trust In The Lord ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-23

"Looking out the window
watching life pass by
children playing down below
planes fly up high"

Good opening, describing the scene around you. I just feel like "fly" should be "flying", I think it sounds better, but its totally up to you. And then if you take my suggestion, delete up then and it will flow beautifully. Then, just place a period at the end line.


"an elderly couple feed the birds in the park
a young couple watch the sunset at the beach
and yet this young person sits in the window
hoping their dreams were in their reach."

I love how you give two examples, the elderly couple and young couple then set your focus on a young person, not knowing who they are, or why they are doing what they are doing. Excellent rhyme and flow here.


"Looking out the window
one day hoping for a change
now watching everyone else
that can be seen within their range"

Just place a period at the last line and this will read better. I am quite enjoying this poem, its easy to read and is brought alive by your words.


"Intoxicated drivers
killing people in a crash
crime in the streets
lives changing in a flash"

I love how you worded this, its so true and heartbreaking. So many lives change, you are so right. Add a period at the end of that last line.


"wars over seas
families scared to death
teenagers doing drugs
involved in crystal meth."

Your flow and rhyme is right on target in this piece, it just reads so smoothly. This stanza truly captures the horror that some people face.


"Still looking out the window
the streets are black and white
everything seems so distant
and yet, it's all within their sight"

Add a period at ending line above.

This is a thoughtful piece I must say, you really get the reader into what you are saying, nice work!


"people losing their jobs
you can see fear in their eyes
a young couple lose their house
and all they can do is cry."

You have captured the pain and fear so well here, its quite horrible that they have to live through that.


"Looking out the window
realizing their life isn't so bad
that it could be worst
but for everyone else, they are now sad"

Third line: "worst" should be "worse".

That last line I think could be better worded, its lengthy and just could be better said.


"But who is this young person?
as mysterious as can be
sitting in the window of distress
this person is just me."

Oh, I loved the ending. The question too, as the reader thinks who it is. It is so mysterious and then to find out its you.

Overall, well done. You have talent my friend and I thank you for posting this. It made me think.

Take care and God Bless You!

~MaryAnne

A mother' s heart (Rictameter) (3)
by Ingrid de K

commented by One Dead And One Wounded ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-22

"Hush now"

I love just this first line, its so beautiful and shows such care.


"don' t you cry child"

Unless you think otherwise, that line above is 5 syllables when it should be 4. Also, there is a un-needed space after the apostrophe. Maybe reword to this:

"don't cry child".


"Lashing out in despair"

That's a perfect word to use Ingrid, "lashing". This line is very descriptive and creates much imagery.


"Your inability to steer"

I like the way this is worded, it is creative and is worded in a non-cliche way. Nice job.


"the hand of faith and accepting the road
you have to walk made you bitter"

At first when I read this, it didn't make sense but now I get it. Maybe add some kind of punctuation here, because there were no pauses which confused me if you get what I'm saying.


"Even before your birth
I forgave you"

These two lines are filled with such true love, and tenderness. What sweet words you have woven together, it gives off such feeling to the reader.

"Hush now"

How beautiful, you chose the perfect two words for the beginning and end. Nice job Ingrid, there were a few things I pointed out but you did well.

Take care and have a nice week.

~MaryAnne

Tricks and Drones (7)
by ether

commented by One Dead And One Wounded ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-22

"The tide rises and it falls,
Tame, yet escaping through wrinkled floors,
Making its way between the hands of clocks,
Slipping through fingers and landing on rocks
That will turn into tiny specks, so coarse."

A breathtaking opening, your wording really grabs the reader's attention and holds them there. I love how well you describe the tide, this stanza is so unique in every way. I would have never of thought of this, wording it like the way you did. Brilliant is all I have to say!


"Time drags on with an immeasurable force:
Past the child in a cradle, lady in a chair,
The establishing, the growing, the graying of hair.
Tiptoe past my first pet's grave, lined with fish of gold,
Passed the For Sale signs that quickly turned to Sold."

Your descriptions really set the scene for the reader, such vivid imagery you have created. Not to mention the flawless flow you constructed. Nice job!


"Now the trees' silhouettes are showing in a way
It's impossible to decipher night from day.
Just like the tide falls and rises,
Time itself has no surprises."

A lovely ending, I am speechless. You have truly written a masterpiece, just oozing with talent. Congrats on the win, you seriously deserved it! 5/5 from me, take care and God Bless You!

~MaryAnne

Purge the Unsaid. (9)
by Blissful

commented by Abortion Kills Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-21

"Raindrops cannot cleanse these eyes
For I wish they held the remedy
To erase the story scripted within
And the thunder might mask
The cries of "I loved you" but
I am witness to my own collapse"

Wow, I miss reading your poetry Bliss, because this was such a breathtaking opening for me. Your words flowed so perfectly and stunned the reader. Excellent emotions expressed, I could clearly see what you were feeling. The first three lines were creative, you wanted the rain to hold that solution, that remedy, to erase that story, etc....Beautiful job so far.



"Grant my urge to purge this love"

Well-worded, I felt like "purge" and "grant" were the opposite of cliche, I don't hear those words used often. That's why they were perfect here, wonderful!


"Fleeing into the unknown with nothing
But a promise of a better tomorrow
Yet my faith is on life support
And you hold the power
To turn...
...off...
...the light."

I enjoy the form and style of this poem, its different from the usual poems and its entrancing. You describe and portray your feelings and thoughts very well Bliss, without boring the reader and throwing them of track the least bit.


"Warped this thing called "love" truly is
For it takes an unsuspecting heart
And with every ounce of strength
Flings it into uncertainty..."

Wow, the descriptions here made me think, but you perfectly portrayed it.

"Flings it into uncertainty..." really gives off images and gives the reader thoughts to think about.


"In hope it grows wings to fly
But most rarely do"

Short but to the point, you clearly got your message across in these simple yet powerful two lines.


"For you reached your delicate fingers
In the crevice I'd forgot to close
And with one touch stole my spirit"

I have found in this piece so much unique wording, which I haven't heard before or rarely hear. That's what I really enjoy about this piece, and your other poems. They are never cliche but always fresh to the reader, giving them new concepts to ponder.


"I should have known...
Those words were too sweet
To hold truth...drizzled with charm
You were a master in your craft"

Seriously, I have no errors to point out, you are beyond talented Bliss and this is your best. "drizzled with charm" held so much meaning and imagery and the next line especially summed up that stanza just right.


"My heart yearned for the warmth
I'd forgotten how it felt
Although I'm sure it knew
That the flame was weakening"

Good feelings here, so heartfelt and the flow is right on target.


"Raindrops cannot cleanse what I've seen
And the thunder cannot erase mere utterance
But I can lock this memory
Swallow the key, like these many words
...left unsaid"

I like the little repitition you used above, the ending hit me in the good way. The last three lines were genius and left the reader satisfyed. I love how you said you were to lock this memory and swallow the key, I have never heard that before. That last line was powerful, two words that end this piece up brilliantly.

One of your best Bliss, I am nominating this for the front page. 5/5 from me, I absolutely love reading your work and I am glad I could be the first to comment!

Keep writing, always and forever...

~MaryAnne

Birth Of Spring (Collab With Maya) (6)
by Kiko

commented by Abortion Kills Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-14

"A gentle shower
awakens the
peaceful meadow
from its long,
wintry slumber..."

Beautiful opening, just the thought of this makes me smile and my heart fill with happiness.


"Restless elms and
cheery maples
begin sprouting
fresh, silken buds..."

What vocabulary you have, so refreshing and new to me it seems. I love this, you are an expert at writing nature poems!


"Festive crocuses
burst forth
in a profusion of
whites, reds,
and purples..."

This picture is so full of life in my mind, and colors. What a scene you have created for the reader to bask in.


"Mischievous cubs and
shaky-legged fawns
gambol and frolic
in the verdant grass..."

So very true descriptions of cubs and fawns, I can clearly see this in my mind, and what an image! It makes my heart fill young and free, the effect is wonderful.


"Columns of
inspired daffodils
herald the season
with their blazing,
yellow trumpets..."

One of my favorite parts! Just reading this poem already makes me so happy and want to have it be spring forever and ever. You have woven together such powerful words that explode in my mind, making a scene so stunning to the eye. 5/5 from me, take care and God Bless You!

~MaryAnne

All of nature
bustles with new life...
and the world is
...reborn.

The Last Time I Saw Thee (11)
by Kiko

commented by Abortion Kills Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-14

"The last time I saw thee,
I tasted your honey lips, so sweet.
I pulled you toward my
aching breast,
desperately trying
to hang on
to what once was
...but would never be again."

The repetition of this stanza had a great effect and this stanza alone held so much depth and meaning. Every line was so powerful in my mind and saddened the reader's heart. Just those last two lines created such a sad and heartbreaking thought in my mind.


"For the gentle
winds of change
that brought
two hearts together,
have now erupted
into a violent tempest
...ripping us apart."

Excellent imagery, your flow and choice of words were flawless and had that effect to capture the reader and keep them reading every line, completely entranced.


"The last time I saw thee,
you were riding off
on a blood-spattered,
white stallion.
You held fast to that
seductive steed
until all your pain had vanished,
until the world around you had vanished
...until you had vanished."

The imagery created here stunned me, I really can't say any more than wow. Perfectly said, the pain here is so immense. Well-expressed emotions and feelings that make the reader feel so very sad.


"And we laid you to rest
on a chilly, April morn,
blanketing your coffin
with sweet lilacs
...and bitter tears."

This part was heartbreaking, it makes me think of a loved one of mine that passed away a year ago, it shatters your heart to piece. Not only do you show your pain and sadness here, but you make the reader feel that and it brings tears to their eyes.


"Then the tender tableau
dissolved into a dreamy mist,
abandoning me
to four lonely walls
and the grim reality
...of life without you."

Wow, the meaning held in every single word is immense, reading this piece had such an effect on me. Many of us that have losted a loved one have felt just like this, you worded it perfectlly. You will be so famous one day Kiko, I guarentee! A wonderful masterpiece, just beautiful...

~MaryAnne

Mojave Wind (Dorsimbra) (12)
by Kiko

commented by Abortion Kills Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-14

"Sweltering breezes sweep over the land,
Where no man can dwell and diamondbacks thrive.
Giant saguaros jut out from the sand,
Pricking the air with their sharp, thorny knives."

This is such a descriptive opening, I love your word choice, you really grab the reader's attention.


"Cooling, night zephyrs
Bathe the sun-scorched earth.
A lone coyote basks
In fading moonlight."

Wow, the images you give off just stun me, you portray such beauty of the desert and put that picture right into my mind.


"As dawn breaks, golden mist coalesces
Into a blazing sphere, which etches a
Fiery arc across the sapphire sky.
Sweltering breezes sweep over the land."

Your vocabulary is very intense and deep, some of these words I have never even heard of and I congratulate you on that! I love the scene you portrayed, each line was packed with descriptions that blew me away!

Congrats on the win, you totally deserved it and I am very sorry for commenting on this so late, I have been lazy in that sort. I noticed a few other of your poems I never commented on so I will stop by and leave one tonight!

Good job Kiko, I hope to see more of your work on the front page!

God Bless You, have a great night!

~MaryAnne

Wilting Nature. (9)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Abortion Kills Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-14

"Flowers frown, wilting."

The concept of flowers frowning creates such a sad scene, since flowers are such bright and happy creations. Excellent beginning line, definetly catches my eye.


"Silk leaves schrivled,
now fragile."

"schriveled" should be "shriveled".
Great descriptions of leaves, this sets the scene for the reader and puts them in it.


"Rain downpours,
hail falls from light green skies,
like shards of glass."

Excellent color usage, "light green" paints such vivid picture in my mind. I also like the simile, I thought it was what a lot of people would describe hail as being like, but it was still good.


"Beautiful rainbows,
painted with vibrant hues
fade to dismal colors."

I noticed you changed "depressing colors" to what you have now, it works much better. The wording fits and suits that line a lot better. I think you could have added a bit more before that last line, because I felt it was rushed into. You describe rainbows, so vivid and vibrant and then they quickly turn into gloomy colors. I was thinking maybe ease your way into it more. Just my opinion though.


"Lustrous sun smiling,
slowly decays to black,
shaping into the face of pessimism"

This was one of my favorite parts and the most orginal. I love "lustrous sun", quite descriptive in my eyes. The second line is perfectly worded and creates a heartbreaking image. The last line was brilliant, you had me reading and taking in so much.


"Rivers of crisp sparkling waters,
softly humming distinct melodies,
replaced by a thick current of blood."

I agree with the others on this part, it was a bit weak and I think it could have stood out more like your previous stanza's did. "crisp, sparkling" is a tad bit cliche in my mind to describe waters. I did like the humming part though, that was really good. And then the very last line was very dark, and I was shocked when I read it, I really didn't expect it. Because you were talking so sweetly about rivers and then it turns into blood. I wasn't sure about that, but it was still very creative.

Besides small things I pointed out, you should be proud of this piece, it was so different from other pieces I've read and you did a great job!

Take care and have a good night!

~MaryAnne

Your Picture (17)
by Ingrid de K

commented by One Voice Can Make A Difference ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-14

I thought this was different from your previous writes, I quite enjoyed this piece. It told such a story and was so deep in everything.


"Into the garden I wandered,
the Peonies looked ready to be picked.
Stretching out my hands to cut the stems
I saw a tear land on the pink petals."

The wording was unique and very eye-catching, and clearly gave off imagery and a scene for the reader.


"soft salty showers,"

A very descriptive line describing tears, nice job!


"originating from the green wells
that hovered over my favorite flowers.
It was on that exact moment in time
I knew you were gone,
or should I say:
I realized you had never really been there for me
At all."

The format was a lot different from what I was expecting, and I like it, it had a nice effect and created a masterpiece. This is so heartbreaking, to finally figure out he was never there for you. Well-expressed emotions.


"Returning inside with my treasure,
I arranged them with a smile.
Walking over to the mantel piece
I looked at your face,
Unaffected,
for the first time since we met,
and with slow, but deliberate movements
I took your picture down."

Excellent ending. Your words were so strong, so mvoing, and your descriptions made me see this whole scene going on. This deserves front page, it was a creative write Ingrid. 5/5 from me, nice job and keep it up!

Take care and God Bless!

~MaryAnne

Gloomy Days and Miss You Moments. (6)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Prolife And Proud ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-11

"Sheets of rain fall from the colorless sky,
it's just another gloomy day in her life -
pondering thoughts for hours,
nearly losing all sanity; she cries.
Her lonely heart murmurs 'I miss you'
as more tears fall..."

I thought this to be a rather good opening, that set the scene for the reader and gave off clear images. Your descriptions of everything really help me see what is going on and feel sorry for her. This is such a heartbreaking stanza, such sadness and pain is portrayed.


"Looking out the water-stained window,
she wishes to be where you are...
instead of surrounded with these
melancholy skies and gloom.
Words form on her tongue,
and they lie there...eager to be spoken."

The repitition of gloom kind of threw me off but that's really it in this stanza. I love how you talked about words forming on her tongue, and how they sit there, wanting to be spoken. Very unique write so far Temps.


"But her feelings, blend together so thick,
struggling with their last breath,
to reveal themselves...
to break through the barricade,
and escape from her tongue."

Excellent descriptions and images here of how she truly feels, you go beyond what I would have expected and you go and explain in detail, with such entrancing wording.


"She feels a sense of tranquility now,
for the tears have subsided...
but they will be back in days to come.
Taking a look at herself in the mirror,
faint black streaks cover her cheeks...
but she's okay, she just misses you. "

Good imagery as I said before, I just think that last line maybe could be changed to this:

"she will be alright in time, she just misses you".

Just because I agreed with what Valedico said about the ending line, I just think it can be differently worded. Otherwise, I really loved this write, great job with it!

~MaryAnne

WANT (1)
by TITA

commented by Still The Cross ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-10

Okay, I want to help you out on a couple of things. Don't put it in caps like I said before and use punctuation, otherwise its a run on sentence that is of no interest to the reader. Also, in this piece "u" should be "you". Your grammar is awful here, if English is not your number one language than I suggest you take time to look over your poetry before posting something that makes absolutely no sense to the reader. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I couldn't even read it, if you want others to look at it and want to grow as a poet, please take my advice, trust me, you will be better off.
This is how it should look cleaned up:

"I want you to be with me forever, for you to be more than a friend. I have liked you since we met, and the more I talk to you, the more my feelings grow. I want to tell you but the fear of reject will hurt me. I want to be with you"

Some other suggestions: Don't use filler words so much like "I" and "you", it bores the reader. Try being more creative, I really didn't feel any emotion in this piece, it was very cliche.

No Special Someone (15)
by Kiko

commented by Moonlight Shadows ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-03

"There's no special someone
to love and adore;
No warm hands to hold
by the windy sea shore."

Great opening, I love the repetition of "There's no", it had a good effect. The imagery here is beautiful, this is exactly what a couple in love would do, but this poem also starts out so lonely and sad, that there is no lover, no one to spend all your days with, how very lonesome..


"There's no one to comfort
and calm all her fears;
No tender sweet nothings
sung into my ears."

Excellent stanza, throughout this piece the flow was flawless and the rhyming not forced at all, which makes it read wonderful for the reader.


"There's no lovers lane
for to stroll arm-in-arm;
No one to care for
and protect her from harm."

Nice descriptions here that give the reader an idea of what you are saying and understand your situation better.


"There's no butterfly kisses
to give or receive;
No sweet champagne wishes
on this New Year's Eve."

What I like in this part, was how you gave images of so much, with New Year's Eve, instead of saying the same old things. You truly captured the readers attention and held it there.


"There's no one to hold,
when she cries in the night;
No making love,
'til the soft morning light."

Wow, the wording here is so heartfelt, you know at the time it must be so heartbreaking to not have that someone, but I bet somewhere in your life they will come along, just have to wait.


"There's no wedding to plan,
no ring to display;
No flowers to send
on Valentine's Day."

I like the imagery here to, so descriptive and clear that gives the reader so many things to think about, nice work.


"There's no one to call me,
''My sweet turtle dove;''
No soul mate, no princess,
sent down from above."

Unique, that's all I have to say, these lines held so much meaning and emotion.


"On these joys that I lack,
I try not to dwell.
Will love bloom again...?
Only time can tell."

Perfect ending that completely sums everything up. You lack all of those great things you listed, but you are still trying not to think about, to live on. I love that last line, really makes the reader think..

5/5 from me, a breathtaking piece that showed so much of your talent.

Take care and God Bless!

P.S. Thanks for the comments on my poems!

~MaryAnne

Bound and Chained (2)
by cowgirlstar26

commented by Moonlight Shadows ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-03

"You broke and tore me down
inflicted wounds left to bleed
casting me into the depths
left inches away, the keys...."

A entrancing opening, great flow and rhyme, the wording though drew me in because of its depth and descriptions.


"flailing in all directions"

Such a unique line, that word "flailing" is one I don't here often.


"jerking from side to side
tripping over heavy chains
grief stricken, left to die"

Excellent descriptions here, making the reader connect and understand. I love how you said "tripping over heavy chains" that puts a real image in my mind and helps me get the picture. Nice work so far!


"Gritty earth sinks inside
my body's skinned up, broken
wrists dripping with sweat
too many words left unspoken"

The first line was very creative and orginal, and the rest was filled with so many emotions and descriptions.


"Screaming out for someone
whispering for you to save me
tears stream down my face
wishing he'd just set me free..... "

Great ending, truly you did a wonderful job on this piece. You really made the reader feel your pain and understand what was happening. The rhyming and flow were flawless in my mind, and this was a pleasure to read. Just a quick question, why was this in misc. category? Sorry if I am nosy, just wondering.

5/5 from me, you have real talent and I enjoyed this piece~Take care and God Bless!

~MaryAnne

Forest Paradise (Retourne) (9)
by Kiko

commented by Moonlight Shadows ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-30

Kiko, you have such amazing talent and I know you will go so far in life. Your poetry brings me into another world, and you never fail to please. This poem is going on my favorites, I hope in years to come it will be a famous piece all around the world!


"Stretched out upon a mossy bed
amid the yarrow, blossomed white
above me, tree and sky are wed
on golden shafts of sacred light"

First line:This one line was so well worded, it explained a lot and gave the reader a breathtaking description to look upon.

Second line: I thought this was a very unique line, your vocabulary is impressive!

Third line: Never have I before heard of this, that's what I love about this line, its originality. What longing I now have to go and visit this forest.


"Amid the yarrow, blossomed white
the leafy ferns and bittercrest
majestic redwoods shield the night
secluded in their hallowed nest"

I have heard of this form but have never tried it, you did an amazing job with it Kiko! This stanza really set the scene for the reader, telling them of what lies in the forest, and giving them wonderful descriptions of the tall redwoods that protect all.



"Above me, tree and sky are wed
in swirling clouds of buttercream
while lacy fronds twirl past my head
then float upon a crystal stream"

Second line: Wow, I can't even begin to explain how much I love this stanza, for sure my favorite! You make the reader think about things differently, like I would have never thought of clouds that way! You have such a unique style Kiko, that is so fresh and new.



"On golden shafts of sacred light
that bathe the fruiting wintergreen
a clear day dawns, so warm and bright
to paint anew this tranquil scene"

I am speechless, every stanza was as strong as ever, and filled with life that was brought to the reader. This is a perfect ode to the the forest/ nature, nothing should be changed. 100000/5 if I could.

P.S. I am so voting this for the front page!

Take care and God Bless!

~MaryAnne

My Best Friend (6)
by Loni

commented by Moonlight Shadows ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-16

"7th grade, nerdy glasses
His smile never ends
I'm way out of his league
Yet, we're always best friends"

Good opening stanza that set the scene for the reader and gave them an idea of what this poem was going to be about.


"He gets straight A's in school
He's a mathlete by heart
He's honest and he's innocent
And that's only the start"

The repetition of "He" and "He's" bothered me a bit. Here, maybe you could change to this:

"He gets.................
Truly a mathlete.......
So honest and........"

Just my opinion, when you repeat "He" so much it kind of ruined it for me, try something new!


"9th grade comes along
Now has contacts and braces off
He's friends with jocks now
But only I know he's soft"

Second line: Maybe change to: "His contacts and braces now off" It reads a lot better in my mind.


"As I attempt to fall in love
My first relationship ends
So he's the one I call
Because that's my best friend"

Simple yet you clearly state what goes on.


"11th grade, he looks...good
His happiness, he still sends
There's that silly laugh
There's my best friend"

First line: I didn't really like how you had that pause between "looks" and "good", it made it sound like you were hesitating and you didn't mean it. Maybe reword to: "11th grade, and he looks good". Rest of the stanza, very sweet. Its great that you have that kind of friend that will always be there for you.


"Dad stopped caring
Mom's never home
So he drives me around
And assures me I'm not alone"

Whendid your dad stop caring and where does your friend drive you around? I think you could be more descriptive here and give more background to create more visuals for the reader.


"As I cry on his shoulder
He looks into my eyes
Then, I felt something new
My brain was in ties"

Good rhyming and wording here, you feel something different and new now.


"Scared and hidden
Run away without looking back
My heart speeding so fast
What a heart attack"

I don't fully understand what you are trying to say here, I mean why are you scared? Elaborate more here and give further detail so the reader knows please.


"12th grade comes along
So what if he's my friend
Now, I want him
He'll be mine in the end"

Third line" Maybe add "only" before "want".
You clearly got your point across here, you want him as your own.


"Next day at school
I look to my left
Unable to move
AsI witnessed theft"

Nice rhyming and flow, this makes the reader wonder.


"Cuddling and kissing
Two hands connect and blend
With a blonde in my gym class
...With my best friend"

This stanza was very well-written. Great images and wording that struck the reader.


"7th grade, nerdy glasses
9th grade, came along
11th grade, he looked...good
12th grade went so wrong"

Third line: Change to "11th grade, he looked good"


"Too bad he wasn't good enough
Unlike his smile, chances end
I guess he'll never know
I'm in love with my best friend"

Nice way to tie it up, I would give a 4 on this poem. There are a lot of places where you could touch up but the overall concept was very good and you did do a good job with this piece, just improve on the things I pointed out.

Also, like others above me said, add punctuation. It really helps set the tone and create pause and stops when needed. It truly helps a poem and makes it more enjoyable for the reader.

Take care, keep writing always and forever...

Our green friends ( Concrete poetry) (11)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Easter Blessings ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-18

Wow Ingrid, this is certainly worthy of a nomination! I must say, this has to be my favorite from you so far, each week you have tons of new poetry that blow one's mind away!

First off, I thought the title was very cute and unique, instead of just having it read "Trees".

Second, concrete poetry always makes me smile, I find it so clever, and you wrote a piece that was just looking like a tree, nicely penned!

Third, it was so cool how your friend challenged you, that is always fun and makes you try different styles and forms.

Now, hears my personal thoughts on your poem:


"------------------Tall tree,
----------------as you stand
--------------there motionless
-------------softly waving arms
-----------that wear the essential
-------part of life on earth:"

Excellent beginning, I have never read any thing so vivid, real and orginal. I can see the tree clearly in my mind.

"leaves
-----that contain chlorophyll, green
--gold, converted into oxygen by day
-Without our green friends, we would
--cease to exist."

Such true and beautiful words, how right you are. Trees are truly our green friends here on earth!

"Therefore we have to
----treat them with respect and care"

Yes we do, I'm glad you wrote this, sharing a message.


"-----and enjoy their company, fruits,
-------the shadow they cast for us
-----------so we can hide from
--------------the heat and the
----------------relentlessly
-------------------beating
--------------------down
---------------------sun
---------------------rays
---------------------on a
---------------------hot
---------------------sum-
---------------------mer
---------------------day."

Excellent ending, a stunning masterpiece! I really must say, I will forever be inspired by your work Ingrid, so much passion and imagery is portrayed. You are a joy to have around here, on this site, I, and others, are so glad you share your works and friendship here.

5/5 from me, this deserves to be on the front page, honestly!

Thanks for your comment, keep writing....

God Bless You!

~MaryAnne

The Forgotten One (5)
by Jad

commented by Easter Blessings ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-18

"The girl walks alone
Only loneliness this world has shone
Every night she silently cries
As her emotions she tries to hide"

Great opening, nice rhyming that held such meaning.


"A remnant of someone real
Is all she feels
Shes no longer even remembered in this place
By her fear every night she was chased"

Second line: Add "truly" after "she" for a smoother read.

Third line: "Shes" should be "She's".

Fourth line: Add a comma after "fear".


"She used to be
But no longer can you see
For she is long dead
And this is what upon her tombstone was read"

Second line: Change to "But is no longer, can't you see?"

For the fourth line, I agree with the above comment, changing it would really help the flow.


"Hear lies the fallen girl
Unknown to this entire world
Left to die alone
Now the earth in loneliness she roams."

I loved the ending, such heartfelt emotions.

4/5 from me, this was a joy to read!

Take care and God Bless!

~MaryAnne

Poor young girl (1)
by Jessica

commented by Easter Blessings ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-13

First of all, this poem isn't bad, its good, but there are a few suggestions that I have for you:


"Innocent yet blamed
she curses this rain
she hates all this pain
she is always so ashamed"

That first line drew the reader into this piece, as it explained the girl, but the next couple of lines really didn't grab the reader's attention. The main thing I noticed in your poem, was how many times you wrote "she". Repeating this so many times ruined parts of the poem for me, so try substituting other words instead. Something like this:

"Innocent yet blamed
she curses the rain
hating all this pain
always so ashamed"

Using "she" a few times is alright, but you over-used it.


"lost and confused
she wanders the halls
everytime she tries to stand she falls
her is ego is always brusied"

This was good, but just place a comma after "stand". This is just a suggestion, but if you want, you can replace "always" with "forever", because you already used it. That is, if it doesn't mess up what you intended to say.


"hurt and hated
she wonders if anyone cares
she cant handle their stares
this mess she thinks she created"

First line: I think you could add more to this, try adding another descriptive word.

Second line: Change "she wonders" to "wondering".

Third line: "cant" should be "can't".
Change "she can't" to "just can't".



"depressed and broken
she wants to be loved
but she is only shoved
and some words are left unspoken"

Second line: Change "she wants" to "only wanting".


"abused and neglected
she can't handle the pressure
a pain not needed to endure
she is forever effected
forever dejected
forever decomposed"

Very powerful ending, such emotions are flowing through. 4/5 from me, take care....

Glorious Spring (haiku) (11)
by Kiko

commented by Eternal Life After Death ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-10

What I really love about haiku's, is that it can be a challenge to create a lot of visuals, imagery, and emotions for the reader. With only few words to write with, sometimes its hard to describe something with such little words. But you have truly amazed me fully! I absolutely adore well-written haiku's that transport the reader into what scene the poet is portraying, which is exactly what you did! Your words were orginal and unique in their wording and took my breath right away!

"Cheerful melodies"

A perfectly worded way to describe the beauty of spring...


"glide upon the sun-kissed breeze"

Your wording here touched my heart and made me long for that gorgeous weather, just to see that loveliness!

"crocus awakens"

Great ending, how captivating this haiku is! Well done, well done, well done!

I encourage and hope you write more haiku's, you have such talent!

Take care, keep writing always and forever...

Happy Easter!

Secret Crush (1)
by Robert Anthony

commented by His Secret Ambition ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-30

"I'm tired of the secrets
scared of the truth
looking for the future
forgetting the past"

Good wording, filled with emotion, a nice opening to start the reader off with.


"They say nothing ever last
but i know that's a lie
the rumors spread fast
i know i cant say good-bye"

First line: "last" should be plural.

Second line: "i" should be "I".

Third line: I think you could re-word to:
"the rumors extend rapidly" Just because what you wrote I thought could be more descriptive.

Fourth line: All of your "i"s should be capitalized, just proper grammar.


"I have a secret crush
once was a drunken kiss
it felt like a rush
that was full of bliss"

Excellent wording here, but what threw the write off for me was that the rhyming pattern you use changes constantly, and it really disrupts the read for me. I would either stick to one whole rhyme pattern or just do no rhyming at all. You need to be consistent with it, so it doesn't confuse the reader so much.


"I have a secret crush
and that's no lie
theirs no need to hush
and i wont say good-bye"

Third line: "theirs" should be "there's".

Fourth line: "i" should be "I".
"wont" should be "won't".


"I'm tired of the secrets
the truth should come out
your my best friend
and i have no regrets"

Third line: "your" should be "you're".

Fourth line: "i" should be "I".

4/5 from me. There were a lot of grammar errors in your piece that I think you could go back and fix. In some area's, there needs to be more emotions and imagery, some of it just kept repeating and going on and on. I would just go back and work a bit on this, otherwise this was a good write! Take care and God Bless!

Keep writing, always and forever...

Someone to love (6)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Healing Rain Falling ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-25

"Like a summer breeze you came to love me,
touched my soul with the sweetness of you
All I ever wanted: someone to love, to care for
You set my being on fire with all you say and do"

A non-cliche simile was excellent to start of this poem, I can already tell how unique this piece is going to be instead of the usual cliche love poems.

First line: Entrancing opening and the simile you used gave off a sense of the love that is shared and your emotions.

Second line: Shows how much he means to you, brings the reader into the piece greatly.

Third line: This was unique, I liked how you did it though, adding the colon, then saying what you have wanted for so long.

Last line: I can really feel the passion here, you expressed yourself well.

"Like the first frost in autumn you went away,
took me by surprise and left me shattered
Broke my heart into a thousand little pieces
My angel, you were all that really mattered"

First line: Again, I love starting with a simile, simile's really grab the reader's attention and give off more imagery. This is such a breathtaking comparison, but a flawless one! Nice thinking on this one, Ingrid.

Second line: That's horrible that he broke your heart, nobody deserves that! Well-expressed emotions, of course you must be so surprised about it.

Third line: Said quite a lot, but this really fits, nobody should ever go through that, but sadly, they do.

"Now my world feels like a winter landscape
cold, deserted, I know I will never love again
When you went, you took the sun with you
In my heart there will never be another man"

First line: Good simile, I can visualize this so much!

Second line: Nice descriptions, but also so sad, how you will never ever love again.

Third line: Again, I like how you relate to nature so much in this piece, and this was very unique in the way it was worded. Like he was the bright light of your day, always making your heart at ease, but now its like there's no light, just darkness in place.

Fourth line: Well written and said. In the beginning of this piece you say how much he meant to you. Then later on in the poem you say how he unexpectedly broke your heart and left you with your heart shattered on the ground. Really leaves the reader thoughtful by the end. Nice work, as always, 5/5 from me, take care and keep writing, always and forever!

God Bless You And Take Care!

~MaryAnne

I Will Be There (8)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Healing Rain Falling ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-21

"The road ahead can be dark at times, friend
Doubts and fears like demons in your mind
and although there is hope on the horizon
thoughts can clog the brain, make you blind"

Excellent opening, grabbed my heart and soul!

"I will be there, when all else falls apart
To hold your hand and easy your pains
To let your head rest upon my shoulder
and be a steady rock, to keep you sane"

This stanza really nicely worded how you would always be there for that friend, no matter what, they can forever count on you.

"Although there may have been times, love
we fought like hell and accusations flew
Those silly battles only made us grow closer
cos underneath the surface affection grew"

Last line: Shouldn't "cos" be "cause"?

And this is so true, every friendship has its fights and battles but in the end they draw you closer.


"Count on me to be there always to give you
my loving care and support unconditionally
As I know that is what you'll give in return,
a bond in which we will rejoice eternally"

Beautiful wording, this is extremely touching, and straight from the heart, anyone can trust in you!

"I know you're not perfect and neither am I
But that is how us, mortals are meant to be
And to love each other in spite of all that
Is what true friendship is all about to me"

What true words you have written here, excellent emotions and thoughts that just blew me away. I hope this friendship forever continues and never fails, may it last forever and ever.

5/5 from me, you never fail to amaze me!
Take care and keep writing....

God Bless You And Your Family!

~MaryAnne

Pipe dreams; lost illusions of a romantic fool (11)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Something To Say ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-14

"Thoughts, swirling like darkened clouds
against gravity they soar to my sanctuary"

This two lines drew me in completely and entranced me the whole way through. I love your simile in the first line, very unique. Second line- nice wording and vocab

"Steadily replacing bubbles,
bursting one by one
On these magical windy moors
once roamed a dreamer,
with her companion hand in hand"

Beautiful imagery, different from other poems I've read, I love your orginality and creativity here.

"Vast fields of fertile soil
have now turned to desert land
Billowing winds tug at the last shreds of hope"

Wow, you blew me away here! Descriptive images are flowing through my mind and your wording is absolutely flawless, nice job!

"What will remain after the storm dies down?"

I thought adding the question on the end had a nice affect, considering it is brilliant the way you wrote this whole masterpiece. Really thought-provoking write that made the reader think, nice job! 5/5 from me, take care and keep up the excellent work!

God Bless You!

~MaryAnne

For You Are. (2)
by Spoken Silence

commented by Something To Say ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-14

"Breezes of wind blow my hair away from my face,
Letting me see the world around me,
Close my eyes tight and let the tears fall,
For you are no where, no where at all."

A very entrancing opening, nice imagery and thoughts written down. I love in the last line how you repeat "no where", nice job.

"I hear your voice, somewhere distant.
A melodic chorus relaxing me.
Closing my eyes I blindly step forward,
Knowing that you are the one I trust."

Wow, I am speechless! The imagery and visuals described here are amazing!
I mean "melodic chorus relaxing me" that sounds very much so enchanting. I can picture that now. Well-expressed emotions of how you trust him so much and how he is yours forever.

"Your voice leads me straight to you,
Opening my eyes I can see you,
Standing in front of me smiling bright.
For you are here, with me forever more."

Excellent ending, satisfied me when I read it.
Not much more I can say, I saw no flaws, this is truly a breathtaking masterpiece. Keep up the great work, take care....

God Bless You!

~MaryAnne

Boulevard of broken dreams (9)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Abortion Is Never The Answer ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-27

First off, I love the title and how you applied it to this poem:

"On the boulevard of broken dreams,
where hope meets with harsh reality
fragile souls are shattered to pieces"

A very captivating opening, I love the description you give, it makes me feel close to what you are feeling and makes the emotions ever so real.

"when love instilled and nourished
by time and tender encounters
gets swept away by the mighty arms
of logic and reasoning,"

Excellent word choice here, well-expressed thoughts and feelings.

"natural enemies of romantic love
On the scarcely lit pavement
abandoned lovers and lamenting poets
join hands and set course towards oblivion
guided by a darkened sun and treacherous winds "

Wow, that last stanza just stunned me! The imagery you create not only sets a scene for the reader but also entrancing the reader, you brought me into this poem and I am very glad to have read this. Keep up the great work, 5/5 from me, take care!

~MaryAnne

My wishes for you (8)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Abortion Is Never The Answer ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-27

This is such a sweet dedication to a special person in your life.

"To the one who is the bravest
Of all people I have ever known
I wish you to have the very best
and a happy family of your own"

This is so touching and heartfelt, for you wish good upon him for the rest of his life.

"A beautiful house in the fields
with a white picket fence
Lots of animals in the barn,
dogs to come to your defense"

Great rhyming choice, you really make this sound so enchanting and wonderful!

"A petite fair haired princess
with a heart made of gold
and a bunch of sweet children
just too much for you to hold"

Well-expressed thoughts, the descriptions were flawless here, this is so nice of you to want your friend to have all this.

"A little pony that will carry
them with arms around his neck
With you leading them around,
like once your daddy did way back"

Excellent words, this is making me smile as I know TJ will love it to death.

"I wish for the sun to shine upon you
Every day of your precious life
But most of all I wish you love and
happiness in a world without strife"

How meaningful you have made this piece, straight from the heart for sure. Great work, a flawless dedication! 5/5 from me, take care and God Bless you!

~MaryAnne

Dancing butterflies (8)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Abortion Is Never The Answer ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-27

"In the middle of the forest all insects had gathered
From their place upon the leaves they watched the show
Two beautiful butterflies with wings of green, blue and gold
In the circle of light making summersaults, high and low"

This stanza extremely drew my heart and soul into this piece with the imagination, creativity, imagery, and all those other things you have provided. I can picture this in my head, what a scene! Good flow and rhyming too.

"How enchanting this dazzling dance of love and passion was
Spectators gazing with mouths ajar in silent amazement
As the rays of the sun reflected upon their golden wings
So in love were they, hearts filled with blissful contentment"

Wonderful feelings and emotions here, nature is such an antonishing thing and you have described it greatly here.

"Bees hummed and flies were buzzing; Gods choir joining in
Leaves rustled and the sweet scent of summer filled the air
The night moths in their dull cloth of brown envied them
As they fluttered and twirled in their colorful hues so fair"

I love how you don't just write about one thing, but you incorporate every single thing going on, from the bees to the leaves, to the night moths. I greatly enjoyed that stanza, for you have taken me to another world, a world so breathtaking its just overwhelming!

"Then, in the blink of an eye a sudden violent storm came
Blew all insects from their place and panic entered the scene
Holding on to the branches and hiding wherever they could
They waited this storm out, the likes of which they had never seen"

Wow, I wasn't expecting this, how sad that a storm had to come on then. I am drawn into every word of what you write, for your work is never boring or non-captivating.

"At last all went quiet and they gathered in the open space
Counting heads until they knew for certain one was missing
It was the little butterfly with his blue and golden wings
His lady broke down in tears unable to stop weeping"

Awww....this is so heartbreaking.
Second line: I love how you say "counting heads" because it reminds me of a group of schoolchildren, a very creative thing to put in. Poor butterfly, you really create a sense of strong weeping and sadness here.

"With her little head sunk to her chest she flew up high into the air,
where the scorching rays of the sun ended the life of this lady fair"

A sad ending, but you certainly wrote it well. I have to say this is by far my favorite from you! I am a true lover of nature poems and have found yours so breathtaking! I feel as if no other person could explain the beauty and sadness of what you wrote. Well done, this was a excellent piece to read. Take care and have a great weekend! 5/5 from me.

~MaryAnne

Perfect Little Flaws (6)
by IdTakeABulletForYou

commented by Something To Say ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-31

First off, when I read the title I was like this is contradicting itself isn't it? But as I read on I understood why you wrote that, a very entrancing write. :)

"You took me by surprise
-- I didn't think I'd fall in love,
and with the chance that I had given
found I couldn't get enough;
it took this chance for me to see
the two of us were meant to be.
At first, I didn't think we'd last
but now I am rethinking that."

Excellent opening, bringing the reader very much into this piece. I love how you say how surprised you were by her, and how you thought your love wouldn't last, but you are now thinking over what you said. Wonderful wording, straight from the heart.

"You swept me off my feet,
and yet you caught me in your arms,
and so the risk I took was worth it
'cause it didn't cause me harm;
In fact, I'm proud of my decision
- to give life with you a try,
for I'd be missing out on quite a lot
if I had passed you by."

Awwww...this shows what a treasure she is, that the risk you made was completely worth it, because you didn't get hurt or heartbroken. This stanza really shows how much she has changed your life, and what your relationship has brought in your life to you.

"It's all in how we play the game,
and dear, you play it well
for you've completely swooned me into love;
to buy all that you sell.
And I'm surprised how satisfied I am
with you here, by my side.
I wouldn't want it any other way
... the way we are is right."

Great emotions flowing through this piece, giving me a sense of what's going on and this is so real when I read it. What a connection you both have together.

"All that I have to say to you
{whose eyes scan down this page}
is that it isn't always fair to judge someone by just their face
because there's so much more inside
that makes a person truly shine,
and if you never look, you'll never see
how perfect little flaws can be."

What true words, this ending stanza made me think and you got your point across ever so clearly. You are very right, what is inside of a person is what makes them who they are. Nice job, this was a joy to read from start to finish! 5/5 from me, take care.

Serenity (9)
by Poetess

commented by Something To Say ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-31

"Wandering the darkest forest
clutching a small candle.
molten to its core,
yet, somehow, undying."

I love how you open up on this piece, its very intrigueing and my eyes are glued to your words! This sets the atmosphere and gives the reader a visual and idea of what is going on and what will happen soon.


"faint light guiding,
a narrow path; difficult trek.
she's not giving in -
pulling forward . .
the fire pulls her forward."

Excellent wording and deepness. She is still going, she just won't give up....

"behind her, dark tugs at her heels.
"look back. only for a . . ."

My favorite lines, I love how you are making darkness tug at her heels, it gives me images and I think of this black dark sort of wind literally tugging at her. Nicely done, every line is having me on my toes, completely captivated.

"no! not even a glimpse,
emptiness will consume you."

She is trying so hard not to give in, to have loneliness and emptiness surrender her heart.

"loneliness grasps her fragile hand;
a child, following so close.
the candlelight strains,
against raging shadows."

This is like a fight going on, the candle is struggling trying to keep up, while the darkness is trying to consume everything.

"obscure clouds of unreason
expose haunted, distant visions.
as grays envelop her paradise;
chaotic thoughts - they tire her."

Wow, I am speechless. The intestity and meaning beyond this poem is immense, I am just astonished, you are such a great writer and it shines clearly in this piece.

"realization hits:
one thousand pounds of lead
balancing on her shoulders.
feet drag on - every step; faltering.
[never stopping]"

Really tells the reader everything she is feeling and what exactly is happening, this feels so real, as if I were her.

"rain escapes
through velvet skies.
gentle waters
threaten to devour the fire."

Descriptions, descriptions, descriptions! So many of them, and that's what I like about this piece, it is so alive with imagery and emotions. "velvet skies" and "gentle waters", really good stuff here, nice work.

"soothing drops dance,
bruise her moon-paled skin.
just a few more steps -
cyanide slithering down her throat."

Excellent wording, even telling the color of her skin, and when I thought using "slithering" was very unique and very much reminded me of a snake.

"the child; he grips tighter,
"why fight?
are you not weary?
let the fire drown.
surrender, you shall see
serenity will comfort you."

I love the dialogue, really sets the scene and mood perfectly here.

"fingers loosen around the candle,
molten to its core.
now extinguished; useless.
[a smile plays across his face]
she escapes deeper
into the black forest."

Good ending, leaving the reader thinking about what happened and captured in this masterpiece. Nice poem, 5/5 from me.

Two Become One (3)
by Hidden Feelings within these Words

commented by Something To Say ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-30

First I have to say that I love the title, its perfect for this piece. Because that's exactly what happens when a couple gets married, they become one...

"Happiness, is now truly what she feels in her life.
For she has let go of all her discouragement and strife.
Every night she used to spend in distraught and cry so many tears.
Come day she would hold it all back and swallow her fears."

Excellent intro, showing what's going on now with her and how she used to feel and act.

"And then one day, a few wonderful years ago.
Came a man, but little did she know he'd be her betrothe.
But, one fall day in 06, he asked her out.
Wanting to know a little more of her and what she was about."

Good rhyming, simple yet deep.

"Feeling sorry for him, she gave him a chance.
He was charming, but she hadn't fully looked beyond a glance.
He took her bowling, that didn't go so very well.
And then to dinner, where they talked, pulling her out of her shell."

Detail, you have so much in this piece, saying where they went on their first date, what they said, how it went, great work. This also foreshadows to maybe a second date because she is starting to like him and be herself, not in her shell.

"She was very quiet, and she really didn't say much that day.
He took her home and said "How about a second date, what do you say?"
She gladly said yes, and smiled, and then in relief let out a sigh.
And then hugged him and said, "I'll see you later, bye-bye"

Good dialogue, its nice you have it here to know what they say exactly.

"A few days later they saw each other, they stopped and talked.
He hated soccer, yet asked her to a game, she was shocked!
They went, and had a great fun time at the game.
He'd not admit it, but he had fun. "It's not a sport" he claims."

I love this part, it made me smile! Nice wording too, this shows that he his willing to do anything for her, and I just found this charming!

"So, from there they started seeing each other alot.
And soon she escaped her shell and was no longer distraught.
Through their dating time, they went through so much.
They fell in love and talked about marriage and such."

Ahhh, a love and relationship blooming, you word this so beautifully giving the reader images and clear detail/emotions.

"Then after they had been dating for a little over a year.
he bought her a ring and proposed where everyone could hear.
She again so gladly said yes, hugged him and accepted the ring.
And everyone hugged them and congratulated them on everything."

Nice wording, this is extremely touching, just reading this warms my heart, well any love story will!

"They later called to tell of their engagement to all.
They then started planning their wedding for the fall.
For the next ten months, was almost all wedding plans.
From picking out the dress, to figuring out the best man."

Again, nice rhyming, very consistant and good throughout this piece. Every line is so important in this piece, giving off so much detail and in-deepthness.


"After all their planning that week was soon here.
The decorating and rehearsal, with family all near.
The wedding morning was here and everyone was awake.
They went to breakfast, and she had a smile no one could take."

Wow, well-expressed. I don't care that this is long, its very captivating and entrancing, you didn't have me bored for one second!

"Then off to the church the wedding party and bride and groom went.
Only to find they'd forgotten the ring pillow, so the groomsman they sent.
She had her hair and makeup done, and started to put on the dress.
She wanted to make sure everything was perfect and looked her best."

Definetly, its her big day. I love these lines, explaining what she does.

"So many pictures to take before the ceremony was to start.
Thinking of all our times together, knowing we'll never part.
Looking at her family, while standing by his side.
Knowing in their home again, she will never reside."

Yes, well she is moving on and to bigger and better things, and she has finally found her true love, how adorable.

"She knows they'll always be there for her, each step she takes.
Now as they become one, and their new family they make.
They say their vows, with family and friends all around.
All the time she stands there, she knows the perfect man she's found."

Isn't a wedding such a wonderful ceremony? You capture the beauty of it perfectly her, nice work. I enjoyed reading this!

"Today, in a very few minutes, she'll change her name.
She'll be a grown, married woman and no longer the same.
More pictures taken, Mr. and Mrs. pronounced right there.
So much time in their lives they'll have to be together and share."

Excellent rhyming, this is straight from the heart, they will have their whole lives together in love.

"Off to greet their guests, as they are congratulated.
This day came so fast, yet for so long they waited.
They head to the reception that was following,
the bride and groom so happy, they simply were glowing."

Don't you wish time could just stop at certain events? It always seems to me the best days just fly by like you said even though you wait forever for them.

"They then go to the table to cut the cake to feed it to each other.
And then following, a toast from his best man and brother.
They tossed the garter and boquet high in the air.
They all jumped for them, without a care."

What a joyful day that must have been, I mean her heart would have been soaring!

"They kissed their family and said goodbye.
As they drove away, her mother started to cry.
Because her baby is now grown up and married,
remembering when she was so little, she had to be carried."

That is a big step though, your daughter moving on, no longer needing you to change diapers, etc.

"They ride off to their very own place,
and get ready for their first night to embrace.
Their love that they have for each other has grown so strong.
Married to each other is right where they belong."

Awww....how touching and heartfelt your words are!

"And now they begin their new life together today.
May we always walk with the Lord, as one, I pray."

Good ending, I immensely enjoyed this and I nominated it for the contest. 5/5 from me, take care...

The Twinkling Midnight Sky. (2)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by ProLife And Proud ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-23

"The twinkling midnight sky lies above me
dazzling stars are scattered like diamonds"

Nice simile here, and the title was very intriguing to me too.

"Delicate crisp cut grass blankets the ground"

I love how you use the word "blankets" very creative and original.

"a place embracing me with tranquility.
the gentle wind whispers a sweet melody."

Beautiful descrptions, just reading this calms my heart and soul and has me captivated every single word you have written.


"Tasting the clean air with every breath,
I realize there's no place I'd rather be,
all my fears and worries have subsided,
leaving me to ponder with my thoughts,
escaping to a world where only I exist."

Excellent ending, I like how you just don't give details but you tell how you really feel about it all especially in this last stanza. You also apply some of the five senses, which really helps the reader visualize. I hope you do good in your English assingment, because this piece was a real masterpiece showing what amazing things nature brings, peace happiness and mesmerizing beauty. 5/5 from me, take care and have a great weekend!

Ex's and Oh's (11)
by aDORKable x3

commented by ProLife And Proud ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-23

"There's this sad love song that everyone knows -
The words, the melody; it's quite sad and slow.
The pain-filled chorus is like a long-held sigh -
Each word just trying to prolong the inevitable goodbye."

A great introduction, really gives the reader a clear thought of what's going on. Nice job!

"It's just like a black and white movie from years past -
Each of them trying so hard to make love last;
But life throws curves balls and sometimes, you're out,
You're stuck all alone with tears cast about."

Such true and thoughtful words, nice simile in the first line, this is an amazing piece!

"So she signs her letters with Ex's and Oh's -
Trying so hard, yet everyone knows.
They know she's hurting but they just don't care,
She is forced to live her life on a prayer."

How heartfelt and moving this is, I love how you repeat this stanza later in the poem too, that was a great idea!

"Goodbye, My Love." is about all she could say -
It wasn't her fault that she had to walk away.
With tears down her cheeks, she takes a last glance -
Her one last shot at an almost romance."

Such emotion is falling out of every line, your flow is fantastic and your rhyming is flawless to me from start to finish.

"You watch her, counting each step that she takes;
Wishing and willing her to see this mistake.
But in a few minutes, she's disappeared from sight,
As you crumble to the ground, too heartbroken to fight."

Good descriptions, this is really eye-catching.

"She's settled down now, in a place far away -
Her mind keeps traveling back to that day.
The day she was forced to leave her love behind -
Now she can't get the thought of him from her mind."

Very clear images here, she can't seem to let the thought fall off.

"The letters she writes you are filled with such sorrow -
You are never sure if she will live for tomorrow.
She's fighting a war no one was meant to fight -
You know it is wrong, but to her, it is right."

Awww...this is so hearbreaking and deep, nice work.

"The fighting she's seeing is nothing compared
To the nights all alone when she's cold and she's scared.
She could never tell you what she's really feeling;
So she prays to God that somehow, you are dealing."

Excellent wording, this is really touching my heart.

"One day, hopefully soon, she'll be back in your arms -
Away from the fighting and away from all harm;
But for now, she's lost to the world no one really knows -
As she signs her last letter with Ex's and Oh's."

You really have the reader wanting more by the end, but you sum it up nicely. I absoluetly adored the rhyming....5/5 from me, take care and keep it up!

Inferno (21)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by ProLife And Proud ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-16

Entrancing descriptions of a volcano unexpectedly errupting....Your imagery made me see it so much clearer than ever, and transported me to another world. Also, the last stanza really sumed everything that you were saying up, and made me feel satisfyed after reading it all. Nice work and take care!

The Notebook (Poem About The Movie) (5)
by Side Effects

commented by ProLife And Proud ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-11

First off, I have to say a beautiful touching piece based on a excellent love story, and I'm so glad you wrote about this...Here are some comments/suggesstions:

"Flashes of memories
She is back in the room
Just for a minuet
But the truth still looms"

"minuet" should be "minute". So change that here and later in the poem where you have it.

""Who are you and what do want?"
She will suddenly scream
Lovers dancing
Alzheimer's comes in between"

That's so sad, you have described it well though.

"Broken by what is forgotten
Their unison faded and she is alone
Yet he stands beside her
She's not on her own"

To me it would make more sense if you changed "faded" to "fades", just my opinion though.

"It's is degenerative sir"
"After a certain point they never come back"
But he doesn't listen
His hope won't lack"

He won't give up, I love this part, really stands out.

"Today could be the day for miracle"
He says all the time
She continues to get worse
Way past her prime"

Great emotions here, this really is touching. For he wants her to remember, and to have her really remember it all.

"Still he sits with her daily
Tells her the story of two lovers meeting
Can hardly grasp it
Yet her heart is really beating"

Second line: "tells" should be "telling".
Third line: Who can hardly grasp it? Him or Her? I would write which one can grasp it so it a little clearer.

"Gets to the last chapter
Then the last page the end
Something is different
Something about it is not pretend"

Second line: A comma should be added for effect after "page".

"Then she speaks the words
"That story is us"
She is recalling
No forgetting no fuss"

Awww...beautiful words, she is really recalling and that itself is a miracle.

Fourth line: A comma should be placed after "forgetting", just some minor things, to make your piece even better, but you don't have to add them if you don't want too...

"Flashes of memories
She is back in the room
Just for a minuet
But the truth still looms"

Again "minuet" should be "minute". I love how you repeated this stanza, good job.

"I'll be seeing you in all those old familiar places"
Is the tune they know
But she has to ask
"How long till I go?"

Great rhyming here, nice work so far!

"An answer with honesty
"Sometimes your back for five minuets sometimes it's more"
But what can they do
Apart from dance like they did years before"

Second line: Maybe you could change the second "sometimes" to "other times" and then delete the "it's", just so you won't be repeating there.

"Then time is up
Memory is out
Fear kicks in
What is this dance about?"

Oh, how heartbreaking..:(

"Who are you and what do want?"
She said in a scream
Braking their dance
No longer a team"

This perfectly describes what happened, and how she doesn't rememeber, it really makes you so sad and want to cry.

Third line: "Braking" should be "Breaking".

"Broken by what is forgotten
Their unison faded and she is alone
Yet he stands beside her
She's not on her own"

Second line: "faded" should be "fades".

"Now she's sedated by nurses
It is breaking his heart
But life goes on
Ready for the next part"

Third line: Maybe you could add "does" after "life", just to read better.

"Her memory back one last time
"Do you think the lord could take us together"
Is all she will say
And he answers with a breath as light as a feather"

Third line: Change the line you have to: "Is all she could manage to speak". I think you needed to add more words there, but otherwise than that, good rhyming.

"His head on her chest
Tried they fall into a sleep
Dreaming
Then an intervention so deep"

Second line: When you read it, it doesn't really make sense so change "Tried" to "Trying hard".
Third line: I think you could add more instead of having just one word here. Maybe something like "restlessly", or whatever you want.

"Because the lord took them
Took them together that night
I guess he was right
Because today was the day for a miracle
The miracle that ended their fight "

Awww...beautiful ending. You did a good job with this piece, overall it was wonderful and mind-blowing. Just fix some errors I pointed out, and I pointed out little things you could change or delete just to make your piece flawless! A enjoyable read, thanks for posting this..Take care!

I Get High On Your Memory. (3)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Angels From The Realms Of Glory ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-26

Eye-catching title, very unique, I like it a lot..

"The love we once had has diminished leaving permanent scars,
yet the memories we shared are something I cannot possibly forget."

I love how you open this piece, saying you have scars left, but you will never forget those everlasting memories with him, nice work...

"Your sacchrine words oh how you sang them to my heart like a lullaby,
only that distinct voice of yours had the ability to make butterflies
appear in abundance and dance the way they did tickling me within."

First line: I love the way you used "sacchrine", great vocabulary..
Also, having the "oh", added a great affect.
Excellent word choice, this is already making me speechless!

"Oh, and those ambrosial eyes that went on for infinity, everytime I gazed
into them, it felt like I was looking into a tunnel with no definite end.
I can't even begin to express how their twinkle hypnotized me.
Lips of mine left arid, yearning your honeyed kisses that were gently
placed with pure passion upon my neck for as long as I remember."

First line: Vivid descriptions, and this really shows the things that you are feeling to the reader.

My favorite part, "yearning your honeyed kisses...". Beautiful, I love how you said your lips were dry but wanting his lips to kiss you passionately...Wow!

"This deserted heart so hallow became so attached only to find that
believing someone would pulverize it to pieces at the drop of a dime.
Pain so agonizing resulted in being so naive, tumbling into an open trap.
Yet somehow, regardless of how bad the heartbreak hurt, I still love you.
What started as infatuation, evolved into obsession, and now I confess..."

Great emotions in every line, you still love him through all the heartaches, your words are so powerful and have such a deep meaning..

"I am still addicted to your love, you left me with something special,
that I will never let go of, it will not fade no matter how hard I try
to forget you; and those memories you left me with will only linger.
I now know that it was your unique charm that made me fall.
In the very end you left me so addicted, that I'm high on your memory."

Terrific ending, great wording, 5/5 from me. Really not much more to say, everything was great in this poem, feeling, wording, etc. Take care!

My Battle With Impatience. (5)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Angels From The Realms Of Glory ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-26

"Patience has ran low once again as I am waiting for you,
longing to hear your voice and sweet words to comfort me.
Yet your presence is not near and contact has become slim,
the absence of my hero makes me lose my sanity at times,
but our love will only continue to strengthen as we're apart."

I love how you write all about your emotions, and how you are in so much pain, because he is away, and you're just longing to hear his sweet voice...Well-expresed...In the ending line, I like how you bear with it, and put your head up, nicely done..

"Tears have been the cause of these wet rosy cheeks recently,
missing you is not something I always enjoy, sometimes struggling
to make it through the day, but knowing that your love for me
is so strong and pure, is what makes me wake up and realize
you aren't gone, you'll always be with me, and you'll never leave."

Beautiful wording here, even though he is gone and you miss him, you suddenly realize that he isn't really gone, he is with you still, his faithful love will never leave you. Terrific emotions here, showing the pains of him being away, then seeing his strong love and having faith and a bit of hope..

"Entwined with love forever we'll never depart, as you will always
hold the key to my heart, I love you with every ounce of my soul.
Waiting to speak to you at this very moment, wishing to tell you
that - at times my patience may run low but it just shows how much
I do truly love you and how I'll work hard to make this obstacle of
impatience within me no longer an imperfection, but something I
can be proud for overcoming, something I accomplished for you."

Great ending, you really make the reader feel that this poem is so alive, which it is. And this is such a indepth poem, I really enjoyed reading it. Keep writing, always and forever..5/5 of course.

The forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest (14)
by kelleyana

commented by Angels From The Realms Of Glory ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-22

"My heart was already taking
When you came along my way, yet
Never dear thinking about the consequence
Of my action before I act,
believing that life without temptation
Would be only an imitation of living,
Looking at you the road to sin begins
In my thoughts"

First line: "Taking" should be "Taken".

Another thing I noticed, that throughout this piece, at the beginning of each line, sometimes the first letter is capitalized, other times its not. My advice would to capitalize all of that.

"Gazing at this tempted fire
I've all forgotten about the danger of might getting burn"

First line: To me it would make more sense to change "tempted" to "tempting", just my opinion though.
Second line: "burn" should be "burned"

"And have no control over my desire to touch
it's like a golden delightful apple that attracts me and
I was tempted to give it a try"

Beautiful wording, and you express yourself well in this.

"In a world of good and bad
Makes me believe that the
Forbidden fruits taste the sweetest,
Pushes me to venture
In your fairy dangerous territory
It's like holding a desire for long to be giving
A chance to deliver my entire being
I came to the realm of energetically freedom
Releasing enormous physical and mental
Desire
Your presence makes me lost into a world
Where the reality is just an illusion"

Wow, this is so straightforward, detailed and deep. Great work!

"Returning to my normal life, all I can say lusting after
You is my sweetest mistake one that pushes me to break promises that i've made."

"i've" should be "I've"
Otherwise what emotion is spilling out, your wording is just superb! Great work, just fix those errors I pointed out and this will be even greater! Take care, 5/5 from me..

Nature's Lessons (4)
by Minkus

commented by Angels From The Realms Of Glory ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-21

"A tropical sun rising over a frozen landscape,
Emerging from behind the clouds
and laughing at the frigid frailty it sees covering the world,
Because it knows how much power it has over such cold beauty"

I like your personifaction you used about the sun laughing, nice touch. Also, great descriptions about the sun, brings me into this piece.

"A distant moon rising over a black-and-blue hinterland,
Smiling softly while ascending
and shaking its head at the tranquility of the night--
It knows that no such peace can last"

First line: Shouldn't "hinterland" be "winterland"?
First line: Beautiful imagery that really set the scene and gives me visuals in my mind while reading this.

"A tiny raindrop falling from an overcast sky,
Wailing like a newborn"

Perfect simile! I love your orginality and the way you worded certain things, not the same old, same old. Wonderful!

"An autumn leaf falling from a barren tree,
Looking down and seeing its descended brothers
who have already sacrificed themselves to save their maker--
He feels ashamed that he is the last to leave,
And begins to fall a little faster"

Okay, where can I begin? The way you grouped the sun, moon, rain, and leaf into separte stanzas was brilliant, and it was like reading four different poems emerged into one. Your words, to me, were exploding off the page, I certainly enjoyed this write, and you have a way to make your work, come alive to all who read upon it.

"Nature teaches so many lessons, if only one knows where to look"

A wise saying to end this piece, and it gives off a good message too. That above line is so true, and I am just falling in love with this piece more and more as I reread it. Beautiful, beautiful work, can't say anymore that hasn't been said. 5/5 from me, take care and keep writing always and forever....

Tainted Road Ahead (10)
by Hardly Matters Now

commented by Wind Upon The Waters ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-19

"The long road that seemed perfect,
is tainted with unfixable cracks.
The sun that always shone bright,
is replaced by a glooming darkness."

A captivating opening, the way you worded this was took my breath away, and really had my heart and soul into this piece...

"The grass that filled the empty fields,
have slowly wilted away and died.
The emerald trees along the road,
are disappeared and won't grow again."

Second line: "have" should be "has"
I like how you put "emerald trees" very descriptive...

"Bright lines that divide the deserted road,
have lost their vivid color with time.
Signs that were once never disobeyed,
are scarcely even noticed anymore."

These lines really set the scene perfectly, this is such a entrancing piece to read...

"Roads that's never seemed endless,
are now significantly shortened.
The beauty has faded away like all else,
all that's left is a blurred memory,"
Of what once was..."

Perfect ending, absolutely flawless. Adding that last line on there made the reader think and it definetly was great..You have so much talent, just from the two poems I've read so far, this was just simply amazing, so much too it, there's really no more for me to say, but wonderful work! Keep writing, never give it up...5/5 from me, take care....

Song Of Yearning (Prose) (20)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Wind Upon The Waters ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-08

"I was leaning on edge of my thoughts, mysteriously hypnotized, floating in reverie colored with twilight."

Such beautiful and mysterious words to start this piece out, already I can tell this is going to be mind-blowing..

"The earth swallowed the sun,yet I believe, it will be born again, and till then; gleams are promising to vaporize tears and bring bliss to those soulful eyes."

My favorite stanza, its so unique and different. I love how you say "soulful eyes" and "vaporize tears", your excellent choice of words in this piece brings out the best of it and certainly livens it..

"Oh, how serendipitous!
Dusk of the night beamed with glee...
Was my whisper answered from heaven?
Or the passionate plea reached you?"

Very intriguing I must say, especially with the questions tagged on, it gives the reader something to ponder about for a few seconds and grasping each word, wondering what will be next...

"Play your tunes adorable one,
Echo of the chorus; perfumed my breath, awakened my dormancy, grasped my flotation."

Again, I like your different and complex choice of words. Not common lines or pharses that everone uses, but you wrote this straight from your hear and soul, and I liked how you fit "perfumed" in that line up there^ how clever!

"May this serenity illuminate the imminent darkness, may the nightingale chant our song of yearning,
upon the sky upon the seas upon the woods, and let you voice the verses upon these dreamy lids."

Wonderful ending, this has to be the most enchanting and breath-taking piece I've read of yours. Its so deep and powerful, your words just come so easily and flow into the next, more than a pleasure to read for me. Nothing more I can say, you really blew me away with this, and I'm glad I stopped by to read it! Keep writing, always and forever, take care...5/5 from me...

We Share Our Hearts (4)
by Steven Topaz

commented by Wind Upon The Waters ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-05

"We share our Hearts,
Mending the cracks,
This poem a short part,
that displays loves artifacts"

Third line: there should be a "is" after "poem".
Fourth line: "loves" should be "love's".
Otherwise I really do like the beginning, it starts the reader off giving an idea of what you are writing about...

"The best thing about you
Is I will never need another,
You try to lie but it still comes out true..
I'm so glad you love me like a brother."

Second line: I would try rewording it somehow, because when I read this it didn't read well for me and it didn't make that much sense. Just my opinion though...

"We're both prisoners of the greatest war.
We're both victims, drama galore.
In a world where souls are heartless,
Where a saint like you is cursed with darkness."

I absolutely love how you write this. You captured in this poem the good times and bad times, and how you wish things would go better for your friend...

"In this world we will stand together,
With you, a true friend, as my crutch,
In a world where depression is the weather,
Bliss brought upon me by your touch."

Nice use of rhyming here, you really make it ever so clear to the reader that through it all, you are by each other's side always...

"I love your small fingers,
I love what you wear,
but I still can't get my mind off.
How much you really care."

Very heartfelt, you wrote this beautifully...

"All of my lonely days,
and you showed up and washed them away.
While you to being forced through a world of pain.
I find myself asking how you are still sane."

Third line: When I read it the wording didn't make that much sense to me. Maybe reword it to this: "While you were......"

"A hundred bullets are flying,
All coming straight for you.
Your body I am guarding,
Forever through and through."

One of my favorite stanzas, beside some other ones. I love this because you just don't say "I'd take a bullet for you" and that's the end of it, you worded this beautifully so it rhymed well and it had such a deep meaing to it that is so powerful..

"All of these songs and poems before,
and not any of the one I most adore.
So to repay you,
I will write til my hand is sore."

Second line: Shoudn't "one" be plural?
Fourth line: "til" should be "till".

"A thousand miles could never break us,
It's only a mountain or two.
It would take more than world war III.
For me to ever settle for someone new."

Awww..so touching. I can tell you two or made to be friends forever, nothing will separte you two!

"I'm an only lonely child,
You are the perfect kin for me.
With you my loneliness only so mild.
With you on my mind, your all I can ever see."

Third line: "is" should be placed after "loneliness".
Fourth line: "your" should be "you're".

"Thinking of your pain leaves me crying,
Prayers and hymns, I keep reciting,"

What a true and lucky friend you are, how kind.

"For God's name we may pray,
And your name,I will cry out and say.
I need you , your the only way!"

Second line: it would look and read better, in my opinion, if there was a space after the comma.
Third line: I don't think that extra space is needed between the "you" and "," so maybe backspace that.
Third line: "your" should be "you're".

"The only way to make it through the next day,
The only way to to fall down and say,
The only thing left in my life is true,
That I could never live without you."

Wow, you are leaving me speecless here! Not only do you write a little bit and that's it about your friend and how your friend has helped you, but you take everything about that friend and write it down, well-expressed...

"You have a beautiful mind,a shy heart,
Not many people know this,
Although I've loved this about you
from the very start,"

First line: Again, a space would look better after the comma.

"Your heart and my hand,
Playing our own instrument,
Singing in our own band,
Our bond will never dent,"

Great wording! This really made me think about friends and my own friends. They help get us through our life and are always a joy to have around. You have definetly expressed that about her with your words. I'm betting she will definetly start crying when they read this masterpiece! And the thing I love about this poem is that it isn't fancy worded and all, but its simple yet more meaningful and heartfelt than ever. And that's what counts. I could tell you wrote this straight from you heart....

"How I feel like this about you, and that I would never doubt you,
how that you support me,Wither or not your words are true,
But the gleam in your eyes makes me do things i would normally never do."

Third line: "Wither" should be "Weather".
Last line : The "i" should be capitalized.


You're more then kin, you're more then I've ever been,
You're like a sin, that without would do me in,
So now as you look up and smile,
Stand up and wrap me up,
Try not to cry, as I know you might."

Beautiful closing words, sums it up great!

"My job is done now I can sleep at night,
But trust me , it was worth it,
I Finlay got to prove to you,
That I truly, Sincerely love you."

Third line: "Finlay" should be "Finally".

I hope you didn't think I was to critical, really, I wasn't trying to be. But I think this is such an amazing piece, and there were just little things I thought you could change to make it flawless! I hope she loves/loved this very much, as I'm sure she will! What more can I say? Keep writing forever, you have much talent. Take care, 5/5 from me of course.

Who is this guy? dedicated to someone i suddenly love (2)
by dremermels

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-12

"I cannot help but just had faith"

had should be have.

"May I know this guy conquerring my brain?"

There is only one "r" in conquering.

"This is guy is someone I miss each day"

Delete the "is" before "guy", it will make more sense when you read it.

"To show and express this undying feelings."

I love this line, very sweet. "this" should be "these".

"Can I be with this guy who is truly holding my heart?
It seems so easy but it's just so hard!
Can I follow the shout of my soul?
To fight destiny and contradict people?"

I liked your wording here, you express yourself very well, and this is a very deep and meaningful poem, nice job.

"Will this guy feel the same?
And someday fight for me without shame?
I don't care if he won't
For I'm willing to smile another life's pain."

Good ending, nice questions tagged on in some of the lines, I liked that! :) My advice would be though, to just go back and correct the mistakes I pointed out, other than that this was a great love poem. Keep writing, always and forever....

Eye spy (Image contest) (11)
by Mr Darcy

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-04

Wow, as I read this, I had myself holding my breath because of what would happen next. The unique style you used in this piece really drew me into it, and I liked reading your style, very diffrent from others but so flawless.

"Buoyant, silent storm, mentally pacing...bracing.
Preened evolution, honed to the muscular bone."

Speechless, one word that you left me. Your word choice is so immense, and creates more then descriptions but real images of the coral reef coming to life before my very eyes.

"the suspense of imminent death on baited breath
threatens to stain waters too clear for fear, perhaps?"

I love how you tagged the question on at the end, creates a nice affect. This had to be one of the most captivating and word-grasping poems I've ever read, really, every word completely consumed me.

"In a cloud of calculation, blood and crustaceans
...nature tears its jagged grin of vice like pearly sin.."

I like how you write about everything little thing that happens, and that isn't just of the same things, but how you tell a story through this, your words just seem to flow perfectly in this piece, nice job. :P

"leaving the coral
concealing
a grin...



..of blackened ice."

Oh my! There is no better way to end this, then what you have written here. It leaves the reader satisfied with what they read. I can definetly tell you used so much of your imagination and creativity through this poem, and it does shine! Trust me, this was such a fun piece to read, like a journey thought the coral. Your talent shines in every word and every line, and I enjoyed this completely. Congrats on this win, very well deserved! Take care, keep writing, always and forever....

Why can't i forget you??? (2)
by viothea

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-25

"Love for me is color blue
Because it reminds me of you"

In the first line: "the" should be placed after "is".

"I am trying to forget your memories
But all I remember is the thing I used to call you strawberry"

My advice would be to reword this part, the idea isn't the same here, and doesn't make much sense.

"Every time I see you
I do not know what to do
I do nott know if I should say hi
Or run away and cry"

Third line: "nott" should be "not".
But otherwise this is a cute stanza.

"Every time you just look at me
My mind says just to set you free
But my heart would not agree
Even me, I do not know which side to be"

Awww....this is really touching, I liked your wording here.

I agree with Sorinity that the flow was a bit choppy in places, so I would just go back and look over this. But this poem is really good, take care, 4/5. Keep writing, always and forever.....

The mystery of LOOVEEE! (2)
by viothea

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-25

"Never waste love
cause it's from up above
it could make you smile
but it could also make you cry"

This is good, heartfelt and touching. The title really didn't capture my attention, and I have some suggesstions for a better title: "The Mystery of Love", or "Mysterious Love"...Or something like that, just so its a bit more eye-catching. Just an opinion.....

"some say"love is pain"
well i guess that's what's on their brain
and some also says"love is joy"
cause some people treat it like a toy"

In the third line: "says" should be "say".

I did enjoy reading this poem, it was simple and sweet. But here's some advice: The flow was off in some stanzas, it wasn't consistent in the words you used, and this was kind of a cliche love poem, I really didn't feel much from this poem, so I would say look back on it and possibly put more feeling/emotion, and orginality into it. Just some advice, but otherwise this was good. 4/5. Keep writing, always and forever....

Tears of Rejection (14)
by Luanne

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-20

Congrats on the win, this piece definetly deserved it! Your title was simple yet fit perfectly for this poem. What I really liked about this piece, was how sad but moving it was. It really made me think, and you clearly stated your message, nice job.

"Distant memories encounter solitary echoes
days of wonder tumble through time
Clock ticks unmelodious beats
again to hear, another church bell chime"

Stunning word choice and flow, you have the reader feeling so much, its just incredible. What a beautiful piece of poetry, take care, 5/5 from me. Keep writing, always and forever...

Happy Birthday To Me (2)
by Beautiful Chaos

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-05

"One year older,
Happy birthday to me,
Do I look any different?
What do you see?"

I love how you tag on the questions at the end. Everytime I begin to read one of your poems, I always am drawn in completely by your word choice and how captivating it is, nice job! :)

"Do I seem somewhat wiser?
Has there been a big change?
Am I found more alluring?
Or truly more strange."

I think we really do ask ourselves this in our mind, and you captured that flawlessly.

Good job, take care, 5/5 from me. Keep writing, always and forever...

Outside The Classroom (10)
by HeadLocked

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-04

"She's lurking around her world,
Finding nothing but shattered glass,
Around the ground; she will twirl,
Waiting for her next moment to be in class."

What a captivating opening to this poem! I love how you introduce this piece by saying what the character is feeling, doing etc...Great word choice, I could already tell this was going to be a great poem!

"Seems like outside of the classroom,
Her mind wanders off into a different place,
With dark entities waiting to consume;
Waiting to capture; waiting to chase."

I love how you say "dark entities", and good flow.

"Soon enough it'll just two minutes too late,
She be alone in a dark place- for sure."

Very captivating, has the reader taking in each and every line of your work.

"And now the channdelier bulbs are beyond dim,
In her own world; is where she belongs; lifelong."

Such an entrancing ending, and how you put "channdelier bulbs..." that was brilliant. This really summed it up nicely, and you should be proud of this poem, you wrote it so well. Take care, 5/5 from me. Keep writing, always and forever....

Why Are You Falling Without Me? (10)
by Stephy

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-28

"It's so easy to say that I don't miss you,
But of course my heart won't say the same.
Cause you used to be the hero in the storm,
And now I struggle with just saying your name."

This really is heartbreaking, you really made the reader feel your suffering and pain..

"I remember all the stupid jokes and inside laughs,
In the end, they really make no sense at all-
Yet, it was something that only we understood.
"I never realized that you'd be the one to fall."

This shows what a relationship you had with him, and all of the good times that you spent together. Well expressed, nice job.

"I haven't heard your voice in a little while,
And the air feels a little colder with you not here.
Life just gets a little harder, a little lonelier -
When there's no one here to calm these fears."

Aww....you wrote this flawlessly, and it shows when you are so attached to someone, and then they aren't there, it really hurts and causes you pain.

"I'll never doubt that you'll always care for me,
Cause I grew up for years as your best friend.
But daddy, you're ripping your whole life apart,
And I know that I can't save you in the end."

Very sad ending, wasn't expecting it to tell the truth. Nice work, so much emotion and feeling poured out of this poem, and I can definitely tell this came straight from your heart. I really enjoyed reading this, 5/5 from me. Keep writing, always and forever...

Ann isn't a lazy girl (2)
by Cursed Boy

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-26

This tells a very sad story, and here are my thoughts on it:

"Can't hold the pain in head
Sleep is easiest, cheapest way,
could be done, everyday"

First line: It would make more sense to put in an "her" after "in".

Third line: Add an "and" before "could", it just reads better to me.

"Her abusive father's living behind iron bar"

"bar" should be plural.

"After leaving her cheek a permanent scar"

That's sad that her father was so abusive.

"Her elder brother was overdose"

Shouldn't there be a "d" at the end of "overdose"?

"Her mom is sick since last few years"

That line doesn't make much sense, maybe reword it to this:

"Her mom has been sick since the last few years"

"Piled of cardboard and newspapers"

"Piled" should be "Piles".

"She wishes her day comes
before her mom's"

First line: after "day" there should be a "would", and then "comes" should be "come".

"Her house doesn't have solid roof"

"a" should be placed after "have".

"The sun has just risen from the deep
Yet, now she's trying to sleep
Ann isn't a lazy girl
Her life's just so miserable"

The first two lines are good, but I feel like the rest results in a very weak ending. There wasn't a consistant flow, and I think if you go back and fix the mistakes I pointed out, this poem will be better. Keep writing, always and forever....

Gone in a Blink of an Eye. (7)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-06

Good title, I liked AblissfulDREAMER's suggesstion a lot.

"Broken heart sewed up ready to love once again,
took that leap of faith; said those three magical words-
expressed every feeling that she kept within hoping,
that maybe, just maybe... they would be returned.
Little did she know, those words came so fast."

Wonderful opening, and the way you worded this brought me into this poem. The last line especially is great to have there because it has the reader filled with awe that he will propose his love for her, very soon...

"Those passionate words spilled from his lips-
making her feel faint; could he be her first lover?
Indeed, it was visible- chemistry was amidst their bodies."

Excellent word choice, very captivating and had me reading on and on. I love how you make your descriptions so vivid, this was such a pleasure to read.

"Falling harder than ever before; they fell in love quickly.
They were completely unstoppable; they caught each other."

These two lines really didn't grab my attention that much, and in the first line, having "falling" and "fell" hurts the poem a but in my opinion. Maybe replace it with a more descriptive and interesting word. In the second line, I just felt it wasn't the best way to end the stanza, but what you were saying was very cute. I just think you can elaborate on it more.

I agree with AblissfulDREAMER on the third stanza. It was good and I did like it, but in my opinion it wasn't the best. And I think you could just work on the stanza, have it be more interesting and have it stand out more so to the reader. But I still enjoyed reading it. :)

"Confused mind; startled- she had no idea how it could work-
expressing the truth to him broke her heart into pieces, as well as his."

I love how you say what they are both feeling, and how her heart is broken and so is his. Beautifully written lines, such sadness is portrayed here.

"Only time would tell, as they have yet to find out what the future holds."

Flawless ending line, it really leaves the reader pondering and thinking about it. I really loved this poem, but I do think if you went back at a few places you could make this poem even better! Keep writing, always and forever....

THE WOLF (2)
by out of the shadows and into the light

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-03

"Their enchanting voices
Cry to the crystal moon
As light of silver
Descends with grace"

You certainly captured the beauty of wolves and I loved this write from the start to finish. You word choice was excellent and I was entranced by them. Keep writing, always and forever...

Seven Red Roses (40)
by Hollymariee

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-25

This whole poem truly brought tears to my eyes, and you really have a wonderful gift of writing.


"On my 18th birthday,
I heard a knock at the door.
There was no one in sight,
Only a bouquet on the floor."

Terrific opening that really brought me into this poem.

"The third is for your beautiful eyes,
How they sparkle in the light.
For how I lose myself in them,
And think everything's alright."

Such beautiful words written here. It really shows how much he truly loved you.

"Don't bother to try and save me,
My selfesh deed is done.
You were what kept me alive,
But now my dear you're gone."

Awww....that's so sad. You depicted such sadness here in your words.

"No matter how hard I tried,
I could not fulfill his last request.
I cried myself to sleep for weeks,
And for days I could not rest."

How horrible, that the one you loved admitted that he loved you, and then now he has passed away.....very heartfelt...

"I'm sorry I took so long,
To tell you the way I feel.
Maybe if I would've told you sooner,
Just maybe you'd still be here.
Love Robyn"

Great ending, you amazed with this poem, and you really should be proud of it. Great rhyming and word choice throughout this piece. Keep writing, always and forever...

Beneath the Surface (2)
by The Angel of Secrets

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-17

"Wasted fake smiles wander across my face,
I walk without elegance, walk without grace.
Just another girl from the east side of town,
Glass half empty, putting on a frown."

I absolutely love how you worded this stanza, great rhyming choice and flow!

"But if you even know me, you know life has been rough,
And on the surface I always look so strong and tough.
There's so much I don't have the courage to show,
I'm so damn good at faking, you'll never even know"

Excellent ending. I really like how in this poem you show up as a very strong and tough person, but deep down you are faking it, and just don't have the courage to show the real you. Great work. Keep writing, always and forever....

Edward's Confessions (2)
by ilu

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-15

"There she was sitting as her cheeks went red
With the blood in her veins that made my throat dread
As she flinches when I touched her for the first time
I heard her heart flutter when her lips touched mine"

Amazing word choice here, really drew me into this whole poem.

"Her eyes with that beautiful shade of brown
Her scent, so fragrant, enough to make me drown"

Seriously, these are two beautiful lines! Great rhyming and flow.

"Every night I watched her sleep
Hearing words come out of her lips
The sound of her quiet breathing was music to my ears
As I hum her lullaby to keep away her fears"

Well put. Everything you say in this poem, is just like Edward and Bella. Great imagery too.



"I didn't imagine I'd ever felt this way
Even though I knew that in the end I would have to pay
Years and years of walking with her kind
Yet, until her, no one has ever touched my life"

^Well expressed emotions and feelings here, very sweet.

Overall you did amazing! Really, I felt like I was reading Stephenie Meyer's books. I really enjoyed this, you have some wonderful talent, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Keep writing, always and forever...

Swallows Her Tongue with Words Unsaid (14)
by Blissful

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-14

"Effortlessly departing from my life without a simple farewell
Resulting in tangled thoughts, puzzling emotions deep within"

Beautiful word choice and a perfect way to start this poem.


"I hate you for making me fall so deep I am lost in the shadows"

I would put either a comma after "deep" or put, "I hate you for making me fall so deep, that I am lost in the shadows"
In my opinion it would be easier to read that way.


"Yearning to scream "I love you," yet those words are too sweet
For you took such a devoted phrase and darkened it with your hate"

This part is my favorite and stood out to me. You want to say "I love you", but you feel like those words are too good. And he doesn't deserve that, for he has darkened that pharse and filled it with hate.


"Anger crowds my throat tempting to choke those busted promises
Falling into the unknown with clouded judgment hoping for refuge
I slowly swallow my throbbing tongue with tainted words left unsaid"

Throughout this whole piece, there was so much emotion just pouring out. Great description in your ending, leaving the reader satisfyed with what they just read. I loved the title too, it caught my eye and it seems like you always come up with the best ones. Keep writing, always and forever...

And Still the Wind Sings (1)
by Jemma

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-14

"And still the wind sings
And still the wind sings
And I am left without breath
Nothing to call upon in my silence"

I really don't feel the need to repeat "and still the wind sings" right there in the beginning, you could just repeat it once or replace it with something else. Cause you already have it for the title and throughout this poem. Just an opinion.

"A voice hollowed on these plains
The infernal consequence of being well-lived
Dark and dangerous
Holding me tight"

Very captivating, good word choice too.

"And still the wind sings
And still the wind sings"

Again, I don't think you need to repeat that twice, just put it once. I do like the idea of repeating that line, but you don't need to do it twice. Maybe write:

"And still the wind sings,
Creating whispers that travel"

Or something to that extent.

"A lullaby in my ear
But it remains unheard for I live in silence
The wind howls, hurt by my ignorance
Injured by my nonchalance, so involuntary,
To a song I've never heard
And then the wind sings
And still the wind sings"

I love the ending, great descriptions and imagery! Also, the repetition here had a nice affect, it just is good for the ending. Keep writing, always and forever...

Winter Blossoms (1)
by Holly Emma

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-13

"Winter blossoms
Laying in the snow that sparkles from the sun,
Winter nipping at my nose, I sing a song."

Good imagery, and I like your word choice used here.

"The sun hits hard, I look up clear blue skies."

^"at" should be placed in between "up" and "clear".

"I smile as big as I can
winter blossoms in my heart."

^a comma is needed after "can".

"Time to go and times fly by this winter blossom drifts in to the sky."

That part doesn't make too much sense if you reread it. Maybe change it to this?

"Time goes and times fly by, this winter blossom drifts in to the sky."

^Or something like that, just an opinion.
Keep writing, always and forever....

Stay (26)
by Cindy

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-28

"Dreamed of fairytale promises
Her fantasy not meant to stay
Death came knocking, cloaked in black
Carrying her true love away"

^The way you worded this, was amazing! Beautiful flow and your words are so true and sad, this was very heartbreaking.....

"Carriages crash, glass slippers break
Magic wand spells never last
Broken heart in disrepair
With memories of dances past"

^My favorite stanza, the vivid imagery you have placed here is incredible! There is so much feeling of sadness going on here, great descriptions and flow.....

"Now she waits for Reaper's hand
To lead her to his side
Without her prince she can't go on
Her soul already died"

^Wonderful ending, but so painfully sad.....
But this was a great write, filled with so much feeling, emotion, and sadness. Good work! Keep writing, always and forever!

With out you (5)
by Megan

commented by Breaking Dawn ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-26

I though this was good, but kind of cliche like a lot of other love poems. Try putting more emotion/feeling into this poem, and making it more unique. This poem has potential, but I would go back and work a bit on it, to improve it......

My Love (3)
by falling fast

commented by Singing in the Rain ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-15

This is really cute, very meaningful:

"Like the sun hidden behind the clouds,
My love is sometimes out of view."

^My favorite part, worderd perfectly!!

I like how you use similes in this poem, makes it really good.

So nice work, keep writing! :)

Life (2)
by smiley

commented by Singing in the Rain ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-14

"There bad time and good time"

sould be: "There is bad times and good times"

"There a path you got take"

I think this would sound better: "There's a path you have to take"

"But can you find the way before time run out"

^run should be runs

Overall, there was lots of grammar mistakes, and I really think you could go back and work on this a lot more. It was pretty short and I think a lot more could be said on this subject.

The way I feel about you (1)
by smiley

commented by Singing in the Rain ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-14

"I love you since the first time I lay my eye on you"

love should be loved.
lay should be layed.


"I never stop thinking of you even now I still think about you"

a comma should be placed before "even".


"Ur the one I only love
Ur one I think about more than my life"

In the second line, "the" should be placed before "one.

Also, ur should be Your, it is the proper way to write it out.


"I never thought of day I dint think about you
Every time I wake up the only thing on my mind is seening your face"

dint should be didn't.
seening should be seeing.
There needs to be a comma after "Every time I wake up"

"Everytime I talk to you all I could say is I love you"

A comma should be placed before "all I could.........."


"I die for your love
All I want is ur love"

First line: put a "will" before "die"
Second line: ur should be your.

Overall, there needs to be tons of work on this. Before posting your poem here you should try doing spell check and that will help you out a lot. Besides the grammar mistakes, this poem was alright, but kinda of cliche. But you still expressed your feelings very well.
So my advice is to spend a bit of time looking over your poem, and seeing if there needs to be any changes before you post it on here.
And try to make your poem flow and
So I would go back and look over this and make the changes needed.

A Mistake (1)
by Miss Lovely

commented by Singing in the Rain ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-05

I like this a lot, you were so descripitve! Here is some thoughts:

"God I wish I hadn't pushed you away."

Put a comma after God, it will make it better.

You have I'd hat, it should be I've had.

And I have some titles if you want them, "A Mistake", "Pushed You Away", "I Made A Mistake". Hope this helps, nice job! :)

Strength (editeD) (1)
by Juliet

commented by Singing in the Rain ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-17

"This could be the last time
We ever see each other
Let's make it last forever
No moments wasted or forgotten"

This is so sad, I like how you said let's make it last forever, nice job!

"I will recite the lessons learned
All of them were taught to me
By a very special friend
Who will forever stay in my heart"

One of my favorite stanzas! Shows how you will always have your friend in your heart, and that you are determined to remember the lessons learned.

"That friend still stays close
To me to this very day
But I am so scared now
That he is going to go away"

I think many people feel this way to, so much emotion and feeling portrayed here.

"I wished on a shooting star
And hoped it went far
I prayed up to God
And hoped he listened good"

Well written, thought this was really good mentioning a wishing on a shooting star!

"Bathing in the sunlight of heaven"

Very creative line, like how you said "bathing"

"Tears are rolling down my cheeks
Glistening in the sunlight from above
They already seem to know the truth
That I am going to have to let go of you"

That is so sad, having to let go of your friend, this really got to me and I am sure to other readers!

This poem really shows you can barely live without your friend with you.
Overall, I thought this was such a great sad poem, one of the best! In every line, I was wanting more and more, it was so well-structured and breathtaking. It was not boring but kept me reading and grasping your thoughts and feelings. You really wrote with passion, and wrote from the heart, the best way to write. Also, every stanza had great flow and was very descriptive. So, spectacular job on this, and please keep writing, and take care! :)

You're my Mr. Wonderful. (19)
by Blissful

commented by Singing in the Rain ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-15

"As I sit and dream of a perfect love that completes me
Your adoring image pops gently in my crowded mind"

Nice descriptive words there, it makes it extremely interesting and keeps the reader reading!

"Those sparkly eyes dazzle my innocent heart with glee
Oh boy have I utterly fallen for your charismatic charms
As your lovely name is spoken softy in my ear I'm floating"

Softy should be softly.
Your words are so sweet, this stanza is the cutest and really describes how wonderful Mr. Wonderful is!

So, nice job, I wish I could rate higher than 5!! Cause you deserve it, and I really think you made this so well! Take care!

Sweet Desires Whispered in the Summer Breeze (14)
by Blissful

commented by Singing in the Rain ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-12

"The crisp, fresh air delights her nose tickling with pleasure
While the refreshing ocean water softly kiss her bare feet"

What imagination! The ocean kissing her bare feet! And other things. I mean, I would have never thought of that, that is just so cool and true! A really good nature poem, if you ask me, better than good, beyond perfect! There aren't that many poems that go in detail and describe every aspect of the place. I like how you did free verse here, sometimes rhyming just doesn't go well with the poem. You do have a way with making the reader imagine the whole scene before his or her eyes. I seriously felt like I was there, like I was watching the girl on the beach. When you describe this place, it gives the reader a visual, and it made me want to go to the beach and gaze upon its beauty.
Sometimes you don't really appreciate the beauty of certain places or things, but here, you show the beauty of it all and how wonderful being at a beach truly is. I absolutely love your work and I hope you keep writing throughout your entire life.
Great job and please take care!

Fathers are love (1)
by Samantha

commented by Singing in the Rain ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-03

Hey,
I like what you are saying here, but I don't think the structure is that good. First, you shouldn't start every line out with Fathers. You could start out the first line with that and then the next line could be "they...."
Then you could say, "Unselfish and loving and full of care" or something like that. That way, you wouldn't be repeating yourself and it would look tons better. Another thing, make it a bit more detailed about why fathers are so great, grab the reader's attention. Like, "They always make the right decisions" and then give an example or something. Just work on that, and I think this poem could go far. Bye!

Life is like Writing With a Pencil (3)
by Jamie

commented by Singing in the Rain ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-22

I love how you say "Life is like writing with a pencil" and then you say why and stuff. This is really cool and I totally agree with you.
Just one thing:

In the first line shouldn't it be,
"Life is like writing with a pencil"

Instead of:
"Life is like with a pencil"

It would just make more sense. Good job on this poem and Happy Easter!

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