Praised comments by Mr Darcy

Your Picture (17)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-16

Ingrid,

I like this piece a lot. I have researched a bit to learn more about this flower and I must say it is a beautiful flower.


Into the garden I wandered,
the Peonies looked ready to be picked.
Stretching out my hands to cut the stems
I saw a tear land on the pink petals.
^
It is like the tear has come as a surprise, and then there are more from green wells.

Soon there were more;
soft salty showers,
originating from the green wells
^
Eyes that contain possibly an endless supply..?

that hovered over my favorite flowers.
^Favourite.

It was on that exact moment in time
I knew you were gone,
or should I say:
I realized you had never really been there for me
At all.
Returning inside with my treasure,
I arranged them with a smile.
Walking over to the mantel piece
I looked at your face,
Unaffected,
for the first time since we met,
and with slow, but deliberate movements
I took your picture down.
^
'The peony is named after Paeon or Paean, a student of Asclepius, the Greek God of medicine and healing. Asclepius became jealous of his pupil; Zeus saved Paeon from the wrath of Asclepius by turning him into the peony flower.'
^
The healing properties of Asclepius fit perfectly into your piece, the simile of broken emotions now healed.

Well done my dear friend.

Michael

Gloomy Days and Miss You Moments. (6)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-07

Gloomy Days and Miss You Moments
^
This title is a tad obvious. I prefer ambiguous ones..but there again, I am goofy! lol

Not entirely personal.
^
Not necessary!

Sheets of rain fall from the colorless sky,
it's just another gloomy day in her life -
pondering thoughts for hours,
nearly losing all sanity; she cries.
Her lonely heart murmurs 'I miss you'
as more tears fall...
^
It would have been so easy to describe the sky with a colour reference, but using the term 'colourless' here is fitting. 'Sheets of rain' ..like tears being shed from a very painful place inside. I can see the image of a lonely girl seeing the awful day and the disappointment of this tipping her over the edge.

..as she looks out into the gloomy day, she speaks her most honest confession 'I miss you'..then her tears fall like the rain in sheets.


Looking out the water-stained window,
she wishes to be where you are...
instead of surrounded with these
melancholy skies and gloom.
Words form on her tongue,
and they lie there...eager to be spoken.
^
Despite the miles, the weather, even the situation she wishes it would all evaporate (like the rain) and they would be together..even for a moment, just so he could comfort her, be with her, and maybe, just maybe, know the pain of her loss.

Words left un-said. This is wonderful, the fact that this is left a mystery. I figure that it is her wish for them to be reunited, together again..however, these words just lie, for fear of being squashed by a cruel world.

But her feelings, blend together so thick,
struggling with their last breath,
to reveal themselves...
to break through the barricade,
and escape from her tongue.
^
The events of a desperate mind being suppressed by a stronger mind, a wilful, purposeful mind, a mind that protects above all else.

She feels a sense of tranquility now,
^ tranquillity
for the tears have subsided...
but they will be back in days to come.
Taking a look at herself in the mirror,
faint black streaks cover her cheeks...
but she's okay, she just misses you.
^
After the battle, the storm, the rain is peace now the mind has won control (for now)

Well done Temps a great write.

Michael

Death's Visit (Musette) (11)
by Cindy

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-27

Cindy,

This is absolutely fantastic..

Technically, it is perfect. (to my eyes anyway)
Three verse, telling a sad tale of death.

1st verse - I see a bed, a hospital bed maybe with a dying person in it? I rather like to think that they have been allowed out, so that they can die at home and around loved ones.
In a chair is the lone loved one. They have waited up, watching over, waiting for the inevitable, memories flooding through their mind from happier/ healthier times. The tears are so full of pain and so unstoppable that eyes bleed their pain too. A last cry, a cry that no one wanted to hear, but knew it would come anyway.

2nd verse - Here is the darkness, the angel of death has arrived at waiting for the last cry. His job begins once it is heard, taking back the once mortal souls. I see his deathly, fearsome shadow hovering over the bed, reaching to claim back what will soon no longer be needed.

3rd verse - This makes me feel like this death is from a disease - a terminal one. This makes it dark indeed. A life robbed by the devil curse. I see this angel now, a demon, a servant of the devil; moving in to steal away from the innocent.

Cindy, this is amazingly good. I am in awe and have only praise for this poem.

Well done.

Michael

Faces Of Love ( Duet with LJ Roodt) (10)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-27

This collaboration from you is profound. J

I have read it once and feel like it is speaking of the beauty that two can create. This appears to be another life at first, but used as a metaphor, that could mean any shared creation, this poem perhaps?

In it you talk about shared histories. This I take this to means your different nationalities, different, yes, but it highlights that we are indeed all descended from God. We are all brothers and sisters, so lets embrace and allow love to enter all of our hearts, through all of our shared senses. We are as one, so we can live as one and love one another.

A great write from two very special intuitive writers.

Well done

Michael

((hugs)) xx

5/5

Ashes Of Time (12)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-25

Ingrid,

This is something extra special from you..

The warm sand caresses my feet,
as I tread the virgin beach.
^
Here we have a scene set. A morning beach, its cool sand pushing between toes.

Seagulls fight over a lump of bread.
Leftovers, of happy souls that left their mark
on my beloved sanctuary.
^
Again, this scene, a flock of hungry gulls, each one battling for a larger share of breakfast.
Sanctuary - a place for memories, for serene thought.

The sun climbs, then passes the threshold
to illuminate yet another day in paradise.
^
Please share :)

How I wish I could still admire this rebirth
with yesterdays eyes.
When the warmth of his love still
fueled the fire deep within
and there was magic in all I witnessed.
Our perception of reality
is tainted by our state of mind,
so much so..but I forgot; again.
^
This sounds like a narrated flash back of memories of a loved one now gone. It's amazing how our recollections of the past can alter actual events.


Ashes of time,
beneath your smoldering remains
I danced with him
to a beat only our hearts could hear;
a sacred dance I believed to last forever.
Was the dream a lie, or was he?
^
This sounds like a dance on a grave, or maybe a persons scattered ashes - a father maybe?

All we had was brought together
on this dismal pile,
then burned;
for all eyes to see.
^
A public funeral, surely not?


Ingrid, I have to say I am unsure exactly what this is about. This is not reflective to how excellent this poem is. I love it!

((hugs)) xx

Dusk ( Haiku) (10)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-24

Ingrid,

A wonderful image you have created. I can see the scene clearly. . The sun slowly melts its deep orange blaze into the calm, soothing waters. The majesty and perfection of nature enters the picture, its shimmering power commands respect. Beat, beat, beat..the rhythmic beat of its huge feathered wings softly regulates the quiet, creating order in a world of random anomalies. Gliding in closer now to the water's surface, the water becomes like a mirror, reflecting both subtle and vivid hues of purple plumage, which merge seamlessly with the blazing deep orange/red of sun in a whispered current.

In hues of plum wine,
sunset soothes a serene lake.
Lonely eagle soars.
^
Ingrid, I hope you don't mind, but I thought you might like this suggestion?

((hugs)) xx

Seasons (1)
by Scrittore

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-24

I like the rhyme scheme and format that you have used here. Also the meter of this sounds good too.

In a whisper you will be gone
Like the midday summer breeze
And the happiness that you spawned
Turns to sadness like autumn leaves
^
Using the seasons to reflect human emotions is a very effective and proven metaphor. Likening the whisper of loosing someone to the summer breeze, both fleeting, yet memorable in their heights, highlights this fact. Sadness and autumn symbolises goodness fading away.


This brings along the winter weeks,
With the long dark depressing cold
And like the icy snowy peaks
I have no wish to be consoled
^
I like how you have drawn out the depression by painting a desolate picture of winter, also with the feeling of cold, the wish to wallow in self pity. This I am sure is something most will be able to relate to, feeling so wretched that it consumes and blocks out the sun.


Yet spring will come and melt away
The hidden forgotten gardens beneath
And like hidden summers shining rays
I show what truly lies underneath
^
Spring - new life - re-birth - a time for awakening and venturing into the world again. Healing time of winter has freshened and revitalised the gardens (heart/soul) so that this garden can once again be open to admiring visitors.

Well done

Michael

Stretching For Sunlight (haiku form) (8)
by hysteria

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-21

Haiku's are often under-rated. People can easily dismiss them as 'throwaway' or 'easy' on the contrary; they are, if written well, one of the most profound forms of poetry. Its strict form, forces the poet to use each word as carefully as if it were a rare commodity. Not only this, but the meter has to be adhered to, as well as the final line's meaning, summing up the previous two.

Here we have a poem about a flower, starting from a seedling (the reader imagines) with water and sunlight and in the right depth of fertile soil it will grow. However, nature is often deeply etched with less than good luck. Here this seed finds itself, planted in amongst the weeds, but not just any weeds, no! It lies beneath towering, formidable nettles. This reminds me of the biblical story of David and Goliath. This seed needs the life giving light to survive, to reach maturity, so that it can 'shine' flower and then reproduce. This is in fact a fight for life.
Your word 'straggle' really portrays the struggle, the difficult, arduous journey through this jungle of stinging, biting nettle leaves. The reader can imagine the dense, thickness from the nettle's base, rather like an army of Roman soldiers, blocking the path of all who should come their way - formidable indeed.
In the final line, we see that the 'underdog' has through commitment, dedication, courage, and, dare I say, a certain amount of luck succeeded in it's quest. I see it now a beautiful flower proud and shining with pride, towering above this army. Nothing can stand in the way of goodness; evilness melts beneath the power of good!

So here we have a Haiku with a profound moral base, a poem that makes you believe that anything good is possible, even in a world seemingly so corrupt.

Well done on a wonderful write.

Michael.

My little white angel (8)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-20

Ingrid,

We met, only a few days before Christmas,
in a dark and gloomy house down South
many years ago already, my little white angel.
So tiny and fragile, afraid to open your mouth.
^
You have created an effective scene here, the reader (yours truly) can clearly see, even feel for the poor lion cub, living in a setting that well below the standard that is required to ensure health. The love for others in need is clearly apparent here. Your compassion described in words such as: Little/ angel/ tiny/ fragile - and afraid. All of these paint a clear picture of a person or indeed an animal in need. It is clearly a retrospective piece, and that sets my mind, ready for the story to move forward in time.


The lady of the house handed you over
and on my lap, you hid your little head
Inside my vest right away, without hesitation.
My senses told me the life you had was bad.
^
Some decisions are made with much deliberation, whilst others are made in an instant. Here we have the latter, a decision made with hesitation. It is clear that without nurture and dedication this poor cub will not survive. Also, it is like an unspoken realisation from the cub, that you were her saviour, sent to her, to give light back in to her life, light that will nourish every part. So in an instant, a bond was made and a goal to turn this situation from dark to light with the tools of love.


Not much bigger than my hand you were,
although you were four months old already.
Underfed and from your intestines only
blood and pus came out, my poor teddy.
^
This verse brings back memories from when my son was a baby, so immediately I feel I can relate to how wretched you must have felt. The words, blood and pus are very graphic, but necessary as they both induce feelings of disgust, but moreover pity and sympathy for this poor cub. Your reference to this cub as Teddy, shows the reader that the bond is fuelled with love.


Slowly but surely you made progress
as I gave you the best food I could buy
and massaged your little body every day,
because love works miracles, makes us fly.
^
The miracle of love - It is an all powerful emotion, so much so that it can overcome the impossible, but only if you believe. I find myself now willing that love, your love for Betty, to be the anchor she needs to keep her in this world, help her believe too that there is indeed a reason to live for. So, together with the practical, physical love, the combination is a potent medicine. Is it potent enough? I read on..


No one thought you would pull through
but I never doubted you would become
big and strong and so you did, we won.
A healthy girl grew from just a little crumb.
^
*A smile burst upon my face* Yes! Betty survives. Why? Well, she survived because you never doubted, you always believed. That belief and love that you showed to Betty coated her inside and out so that she believed too, in fact, she wanted to live so that she could feel this love forever.


Well done Ingrid, your compassion is awe-inspiring.

((hugs)) xx

Timeless (Fibonacci) (10)
by Sylvia A

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-07

Sylvia,

another style that you have made look so easy. :)

Is
love
timeless?
^
A great question, an opening pause for thought. Questions work so well with this strict syllable structured poems.

Does it span
passing of decades?
^
I think the flow is a bit shaky here? Maybe use: Does it span the passing decades?

Is it unaffected by space?
^
You really have given the reader much to think about.

Everlasting, eternal, ageless, older than time.
True love surpassed the ages, more certain than death itself, souls drawn closer with each rebirth.
^
..and here, it is like you have given your thoughts on the above questions. I like this explanation of love. It really reminds the reader just how 'timeless' love is. I love the 'more certain than death' part, this really hits the message home.

Through the centuries our spirits met, we shared pleasures beyond earthly recognition.
^
Here we see a personal experience. A true love experience and so a true knowledge of its impact.

Awareness encompassed hearts that knew the joy of loving
in each life, never forgetting.
Reliving moments,
ecstasy
of love
we
found.
^
Only by experiencing an emotion in its fullest state can we really appreciate the true power of love and its eternal force shaping and filling the universe that we live.

Well done Sylvia on a wonderfully, thought provoking piece.

Michael

The Passionate Chords to His Soul (English Sonnet) (2)
by ShesxSuchxAxDrug

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-06

Beth, another sonnet..

Each breath is like a melody deep within,
^
The intensity here is incredible. You may want to drop the word 'is' and use a comma after breath; not only will this correct the syllable count it will leave a nice pause after the word breath?

Echoing addictive vibrations of notes.
Nice description of this intensity. Maybe some punctuation and drop the word 'of' to make the syllable count '10'


The guitar strings vibrate passionate sin,
A nice twist in emotion here, it really gets the reader thinking. Maybe you could use the word 'reverberate' instead of 'strings and vibrate'? You have used the word vibration above already and the reader will understand the lines meaning without the word 'strings' - just an idea?

Constricting the silence as it tries to cope.
^
Maybe 'The silence vacuums as it tries to cope? That would correct the syllable count.

Holding on to the music from his heart,
^
Love is like music; a song you that you never want to stop listening to.

He runs his fingers down the chords once more.
^
This is like heart strings. I can see the imagery here.

He memorizes each strings unique part,
^
Attention to detail; taking time to feel the love, know the love, merge with the love.

Knowing this music is what he adores.
^
Good.


Nothing compares to this feeling of peace,
Caressing each chord with the softest touch.
^
This is very much like the 6th line.

Giving up music is brutal, at least,
Loving his music, oh so very much.
^
The word 'music' stands out here. Maybe the word 'lyrics' instead of the 2nd 'music', this would also add alliteration with 'Loving'


Yet in this calming satisfaction of,
Music embraced by his passion and love.
^
The final 'rhyming' couplet needs a tweak or two. It does however summarise the poem, which is good.

Sonnets are very hard to write, if anyone thinks otherwise they should give it a try. You my dear have written a beautiful poem and apart from a few technical flaws it is wonderful. But hey, my sonnets are flawed too! lol

Well done.

Michael

The Eternal Drifter (5)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-30

Ingrid,

On the surface I can see how many other readers might disregard this. However, it would be their loss.

The Eternal Drifter
^
An opinion of a person who will always feel unable to settle, so drifts from place to place. Unable, or unwilling to commit to life, to a person, to themselves maybe?

An endless road
meanders through the landscape
of the eternal drifter,
^
I like the imagery of a person walking a landscape, also the metaphor of life being a landscape that we walk through. Each person starts at 'A' and starts their journey, however the way the journey will run is dependant on so many factors. Here this 'drifter' is obviously faultering.

sole owner of this place in time.
^
A loner, a person who shun help, trusting no one. Sad really!

Various hands held his
on this never ending journey.
^
Here we see this 'drfter' is a male. This could be significant, someone close, someone who refuses your help, maybe?

Such a peaceful path he follows,
a tranquil place to calls his own.
^
This male, chooses to block the world out. Maybe not wanting the responsility of the outside world? Rather choosing his own ,where it is safe and controllable.

Along the trail, way back,
silent mirrors stand.
^
I see this as painful memories; reminders of our past. Not words, just vivid memories/ reflections.

The ones that led him to it
are buried underneath.
^
Blame, anger and frustration cannot be vented, not now that the voice is no longer here.

He takes much pride in
how he deals with disturbance
in his interpretation of life.
^
How does one cope when he feels like he hasn't the tools to cope with life? Maybe he creates a life where he can control situations, a place where he feels safe and secure? This is a life/ landscape, however it is a false one, not a real one. How can we give this male the tools he needs to venture outdoors and start walking from 'A' again?

Very well done Ingrid on this wonderully profound piece.

((hugs)) xx

Michael

Anything is possible!

Birth Of Spring ( Collab with Kiko) (4)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-29

Grid,

a collaboration with a talented writer indeed.

Birth Of Spring
^
An obvious title, but it lets the reader know exactly what to expect - I like it!

A cool,
gentle shower
caresses the lush,
vibrant meadow.
^
These words roll off the tongue so well. I guess just like the rain rolling off the meadow to feed the previously cold starved earth.

Awakened from their
wintry slumber,
restive maples sprout
fresh, silken buds.
^
lol - I see this stanza talks of the winter past. I like how you describe it as its slumber. A time off required rest before the birth of spring - ahh, I see the title now! Restive maples - I like this description, very apt.

Cheery crocuses
issue forth in
a profusion of
whites, reds, and purples.
^
Cheery crocuses - a happy flower indeed. It adds a kind of human emotion to the scene. I also like the word profusion in context with the list of vibrant colours. Nice.

Playful daffodils
herald the season
with their brilliant,
yellow trumpets.
^
As soon as I read 'Herald' in relation to the daffs, I could picture the center trumpet - very effective. Also, haveing it sybolising the start of spring; like a celebration. Again, the word playful, another human emotion, but it could refer to anmals too.


Mischievous cubs and
Shaky-legged fawns
gambol and frolic
in the verdant grass.
^..and here they are, cute ones too cubs and fawns. You have described them so well that I can see them so clearly.

All of nature
bustles with new life.
And the world is...
reborn.
^
In the last stanza you have brought together the poem, summarising it so that it is left imprinted on the readers mind, well mine anyway! lol

Well done on this collaboration, it is fabulous.

Michael

Birth Of Spring (Collab With Maya) (6)
by Kiko

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-29

Birth Of Spring
^
An obvious title, but it lets the reader know exactly what to expect - I like it!

A cool,
gentle shower
caresses the lush,
vibrant meadow.
^
These words roll off the tongue so well. I guess just like the rain rolling off the meadow to feed the previously cold starved earth.

Awakened from their
wintry slumber,
restive maples sprout
fresh, silken buds.
^
lol - I see this stanza talks of the winter past. I like how you describe it as its slumber. A time off required rest before the birth of spring - ahh, I see the title now! Restive maples - I like this description, very apt.

Cheery crocuses
issue forth in
a profusion of
whites, reds, and purples.
^
Cheery crocuses - a happy flower indeed. It adds a kind of human emotion to the scene. I also like the word profusion in context with the list of vibrant colours. Nice.

Playful daffodils
herald the season
with their brilliant,
yellow trumpets.
^
As soon as I read 'Herald' in relation to the daffs, I could picture the center trumpet - very effective. Also, haveing it sybolising the start of spring; like a celebration. Again, the word playful, another human emotion, but it could refer to anmals too.


Mischievous cubs and
Shaky-legged fawns
gambol and frolic
in the verdant grass.
^..and here they are, cute ones too cubs and fawns. You have described them so well that I can see them so clearly.

All of nature
bustles with new life.
And the world is...
reborn.
^
In the last stanza you have brought together the poem, summarising it so that it is left imprinted on the readers mind, well mine anyway! lol

Well done on this collaboration, it is fabulous, Ace even!

Michael

My True Love's Eyes (English Sonnet) (1)
by ShesxSuchxAxDrug

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-27

My Deraest 'Beth,

Your words show me your hearts journey. One that has travelled a winding and sometimes foreboding trail.
I ask myself why did she not simply turn back? Why carry on when the path ahead is so steep? Well my dear Beth, You perservered despite all of this because of faith. You believed in your hearts destiny and ths belief will see you through to your happy destination.

Weel done on this wonderful Sonnet. You have written so very well. I have written a few and have found them to be both challenging and rewarding.

Michael

Tough survivor ( Quinzaine ) (7)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-25

Ingrid,

You have managed this form very well indeed. I agree with Sylvia, it provokes more thought the more you peal away possible meanings.

What makes a survivor, being tough, or having to survive makes you tough? I mean, what came first the chicken or the egg?

Very well done.

Michael

((hugs)) xx

Carousel Story (haiku) (11)
by Kiko

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-13

I like this series of Hakius, clever too. A story of Carousel horses. The imagey of a brand new ride, countless hours spent by a craftsmen, pouring his love and skill into such a ride that he knows will be enjoyed by children and their parents for years to come.

The years pass and the love that once filled this ride with energy now seeps away with the cruel hands of time.

Alone and un-loved and left to rot away in a field. Now the only memories of the joy that it brought is now felt in the breeze that caresses each and ever contour of each and ever horse, just like the craftsman's hands all those years ago.

Well done on such a wonderful series. It could also be a metaphore for the human ageing process? In fact I like that idea, do you?

Take care

Michael

Pipe dreams; lost illusions of a romantic fool (11)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-07

Ingrid,

you have a wonderful way of weaving words into a forms that create powerful emotions and here you have done just that:

Here I can clearly see inside a head and see the emotional cloud steadily transform from a cloud of clear thought to an increasingly darker cloud, full of negativity. I love the 2nd line, to me is describes the safe place that is usually unaffected is now violated with poison.
Bubbles popping and being replaced with suffocating smog, it is like a bar of soap dissipating bubbles in a bath.

On these magical windy moors..hmm? I think the word 'windy' could do with changing as this to me suggest negativity and I think this moor is, or at least was a good place, yes? Maybe use the word 'vibrant'?

I can see that towards the end you use the wind again, this time its use is destructive, like a tornado destroying all that was once good.

Like a tornado this poem is powerful and effective in painting a vivid picture of how a person can feel when depression takes hold and spirals out of control.

Well done my dear.

((hugs))

Michael xx

The little things (6)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-16

Ingrid my dear, thank you for steering me in the direction of this little gem. I have read it and I enjoyed it, but I realise that the only true way of learning about the poems meaning and the writer is to really read it and comment. This I will do now..

Title:
On the surface it says to me that not all gifts that are special are paid for with gold. It could also mean God's creatures, the ones that we cannot see, or don't want or wish to see; this could be from unsightly insects, to poor children in the third world, who we all choose to pretend do not exist ..but they do! Anyway, as usual I am straying and I know that the only way to find out for sure your meaning is to read on..

Line 1:
Bingo! No amount of money can buy what really matters. Here you launch the reader in at the deep end, almost like grabbing their jackets and speaking this close to their faces so that they hear this loud and clear.

Line2:
I like the word choice of 'nor' I often use or, but 'nor' lends this piece quality, well it does for me. Pompous, another good word, meaning pretentious, snobbish..basically all show and no meaning. Aubade, Ingrid, you really are showing of here..he he. A musical composition or poem played at dawn. These two word contradict one another, so in this context make them collectively more potent, a portentous song/ poem..interesting to think of this whilst read in a poem..hmm?

Line3:
On its own 'Could match' gives the reader time to think about the possibilities ahead. It is clear that this pompous gift is about to compared to what I presume is a 'little thing' Lets see..

Line 4:
A note: specifically, a tiny note. Using the word 'tiny' makes the note's face value appear worthless, especially when the writer of such a note just leat it, probably on there way out of the door..an after thought, but that depends on the reader, doesn't it?

Line 5:
Again, clever use of descriptive words, infinitely precious, suggests something condensed, squeezed into the smallest of spaces, making it fragile and so more precious.

Line 6:
Three words, so easily said as a thrown away gesture, but when meant deeply and sincerely, those words hold the power to move the universe and to bring immeasurable happiness when read, again and again..

Line 7:
Three words left as an eternal reminder of their affection for the person intended. Such words don't just show anything, they symbolise the deepest of emotions, a one on one love, uncomplicated and most definitely real. This is what is shown when it is known.

Line 8:
Nurture is part of love, caring that someone is well, wanting them to be healthy in every way. But why? Well we are all selfish to a lesser or greater degree, so nurturing those we love ensures that they will be there for us for as long as possible. We care because we want them to be with us always.

Line 9:
Love is most magical, it ensures that the person of their desire is permanently etched in memories, from the front to the back of the mind; every little thing will remind that person of their love, a smell, a colour, sound..etc

Line 10:
One word meaning, eternally. This allows love to be secure because it will be a constant, so something dependable and reliable. With this kind of dependable love a person can thrive and thrive on such a wondrous gift, a gift that can't be bought, no, it has to be given freely and without payment.

Ingrid, this is indeed more that it suggested on its surface, much like love really, well, love that is real, love for a child perhaps?

(((hugs)))

Michael xx

Letting Go. (9)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-13

Temps,

First things first *holds to you tightly and shares your emotional load*

Okay then, now lets take a look at this poem..

Title:
It may seem quite a simple title, but it is like a tip of an iceberg. To finally reach the point of no return, where you have to let go symbolises the shear scale of height achieved; each step notched, even gouged into your heart, so to let go now is to leave that mountain that you have fought to save, fought to concur, so now here you choose to fly instead of fall. It may not seem like flying but maybe free-falling would be a better term?

Stanza 1:
Written in the second tense, it is like writing in the first would be too potent, too raw, and too real. I understand, I really do!
I notice that you start with the most intense emotion felt, it is like it just had to flow out of you and onto the screen; like a release from the boiling pot of tears. Despite the intense heat, this is endured further for the sake of hope; hope that a day will make all the difference. Hope is after all what gives us the strength to climb. With nothing else to lose our heroine offers her friendship, which like her love is unconditional and given freely.

Stanza 2:
Desperation of her will to cling to the man who has been her everything, inspired so much her to become more, to stand tall and walk proudly. Surely friendship has been earned here, right? Damn right, so through her tears her pledge is to keep you safe even though she cries for her now friend to be the one whose arms she shelters in.

Stanza 3:
I like how you have expressed your words of emotional distress through worded tears, very good! A strong message in this last stanza, it tells him that she needs his connection, requires it to keep her safe, keep her alive. Friendship maybe only second best for her, but she will would rather have that than have nothing at all.

Temps, you were right when you said this was a true write. Its truth screams out its honesty and so each word has tears soaked into them, your tears, each one acutely real.

((hugs)) My door is always open.

Michael

Here is Goodbye. (6)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-13

Temps,

I was wondering whether I should read this after seeing the Warning, but then I though, c'mon Michael, you're old enough to read anything now. So without further ado, I will..

Title:
The first line is a great introduction. Music fading, romantic music fading, yes it is very different and so it should be. It creates a scene where romance used to feature, but now it has faded and been replaced with an opposite, a negative, something un-warm and unloving even sad. All this is one line, superb! :)
Okay, so our lady is with a lover, yet without the feelings associated with lovers. His arms, his embrace would look the same, but they would not feel the same without the love within them, they would indeed feel cold and weak and not like the warm tender arms that she is so used to.

Stanza 2:
Words play an important part for lovers. They like to offer little reassurance of love whenever they are together. When the love disappears that reassurance is gone and so the silence, the awful void, I could imagine would make the strongest heart feel like it is crumbling under the extraction of love that once kept it beating so surely. I like how you brought a thunderstorm into this. Thunderstorms fill people with fear and rightly so. They are capable of grave destruction, much like a broken heart. Also the thunder could be likened to a heart pounding with pending fear; ominous indeed. Rain pours like tears, bringing the storm out of this lady, allowing her emotions to flood out. The lightening strike suggests to me a look, like a loveless stare, or a word so cutting that the pain feels like a bolt of lightening, maybe? Such a stare or words would leave anyone motionless. Well done, the drama and imagery are both excellent here.

Stanza 3:
*Minute, should be minute, they scream a, should be they scream an, also hallow, I think should be hollow, right?*
Recognition that this demise has been looming for both characters is new for the reader at this point. It adds a different dimension to the story. We now know that this lady was hoping that her fears were wrong, but tonight she realises that she was in fact correct. This previous knowledge doesn't make it any the less painful, in fact maybe the pain is worsened because the dread has been churning around fuelling the dread. This is a cruel goodbye, two people who used to love going their separate ways. I like how you use a road as a journey, I know that this is not new, but the speed in which it is travelled is fresh to me, Well done :)
The poem finishes on a very low note and without any hint of reprieve, just sadness and no hope, not even a sprinkle.

Temps, well done on this write. You have a real knack for creating pictures that are more like short films than words.

Take care

Michael

A Brave Eagle Soars. (7)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-13

Temps,

Title:
Eagle: Bird of prey, a predator of the sky. It has keen eyesight and is graceful and powerful through the sky. It also hold respect due to it potential danger, as all predators do. We also admire this bird for it is rare and though it is powerful, which commands respect it is also fragile. Your title suggest a person who is free like an eagle, respected, but also fragile and needing help from time to time. I can relate to this, can't you?

Stanza 1:
Here we see our male out of his normal comfort, yet in the face of adversity this person front up to it and accepts the challenge. With his incredible resources he excels and goes from strength to strength. He is rightly so a happy man.
This is written from the perspective of one who is equally proud of him and his achievements.

Stanza 2:
Not only does out hero stand tall with his own burden, he also has the strength to make sure others that he cares about are kept safe. His vulnerability is also his strength being able to open up his feelings to those he needs to, only wanting their lives to made better, turning that frown upside down.
This is a real tribute to a dear friend, one who is lucky to have a friend such as you.

Well done Temps, this is such a lovely heart felt write. A tribute to a man we all know and love.

Take care

Michael

I'm Dying To Speak (6)
by A Phine To Sour Skittles

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-12

Hello,

I thought I would comment in-depth on this one..

Title:
A powerful image of a person with so much to say, but is so intensely scared that such words would mortally wound, even kill?

Stanza 1:
Here we have 3 rhyming couplets expressing desire for another. You have a talent for creating imagery and felt emotion. From a smile that brightens your day, to being stuck tar, each one is clearly expressed and so imagined. The reader wants this person to find the confidence to be who they need to be.

Stanza 2:
Such affectionate references that made me tingle. A smile that has the power to physically weaken a person is powerful - Now that is a hell of a grin. Your descriptions of eyes are so vivid and induce the intensity that I am sure you wanted to portray. Well done.

Stanza 3:
It is so clear, the frustrated anguish in every line. It matters not what others say when a heart has its mind set, does it? I liked the chalk reference, so true of how a voice collapses in a mouth that is dying to talk but cannot.

Stanza 4:
A couplet singled out. By doing this it makes it stand out from the rest of the text.
It a little bit of stubbornness - no you can't go, we haven't had our chance!

Stanza 5:
This has elevated this person of such adoration into outer space, he's a star and he is being requested to shine his splendour down.
I laughed at the petulant part: Patient, I'm not! It really gives this part a real sense of too much time has past and it is about time he made his move, but I fear that the real frustration is a reflection of how you feel about yourself, maybe?

Final 2 couplets:
I feel that this poem doesn't need these. They come across differently, desperate even. Maybe a stanza where he is reassured that he would be accepted and loved for who he is, no matter what.

Well done on this poem

Michael

Broken Trust (6)
by Sylvia A

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-11

Sylvia this is so very sad.

Children do learn from day 1 and if their cries result in punishment, then they will be silent. If only these 'blinkered' parents could see that love will also have a similar effect, a baby who knows s/he is loved and feels secure in that will be relatively quiet, choosing only to cry if s/he actually needs something.

It is terrible that some people can actually be allowed the responsibility to bring a new life into this world, when they can't even look after themselves. You are quite right when you mention the 'cycle of abuse' I can hear it now "well a good smack never hurt me!' well it did and it does. I know so many parents that scream throughout every day at their children to do as they say, the funny thing is that the children don't hear the tone, nor do they respect it, or the words, because even they know it is disrespectful and so they learn to disrespect and so we have another generation of abusers who don't respect anyone, least of all themselves.

The victims are the children and babies who die through the severe abuse they suffer at the hands of adults who have no respect or self-control.

Sylvia, well done on writing this. It has filled me with emotion because I was a child who suffered abuse at the hands of my parents. Did it affect me? Yes, and I am still at the age of 39 trying to put back the pieces. I am lucky though because I have self- awareness and that enables me to see that everyone deserves to be respected and that includes me. I have a son and he knows that he has my unconditional love and it is a love that is balanced and unwavering. This particular cycle of abuse has stopped with me.

Take care

Michael

Vagrant Nights (5)
by Valedico

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-09

Danny,

You have a real talent for creating imagery.

Here we have a relatively simple scenario. One person missing another, possibly a lover, but it matters not, as we all can relate to how distracting it can be when we can't stop thinking of them, or stop yearning to be together again.

The way you tell the story with poetic voice is wonderful and you have a style that is unlike most. I like to draw out suspense by spacing out words, repeating them, or simply by making a rhyme. I appreciate the way you write, it is not my way, but it is really good.

I will now comment in depth..

The first two lines - I can see the vibration of such a journey, making lights jump in ones vision. A city's pollution smears a sky with fatigue.

Lines 3 and 4 - I like the rhyme of cries with skies, It really cements this image of a busy city as the day draws to an end, but we know city's never sleep, so this is all the more powerful in this poem, isn't it?

Lines 5 - 8: Very significant using these word on a line, alone just walking and thinking, so much time to think. Heavy traffic, likened to a death zone, a game, perhaps, or maybe just a wishful thought? I am alone.

Lines 9 - This is classic, and clever too. You would be alone without the people who you have no relationship with, just smiling faces in a crowd. I like the rhyme too, zone and clone.

(I feel a break here would have helped to separate the city from the bedroom scene)

Lines 10 - 11, here I see these lines allow for Tran session. so maybe using these on there own would add more definition, maybe?

Line 12 - The embrace of bed clothes, this is a familiar feeling, the warmth, the security and the comfort given by bed clothes. Just reading it makes you feel safe. Safe from what/ whom though?

Lines 13 - 17, their relative stares (this is puzzling) I can only imagine this is stares of dreamt faces casting over you ominously. These stares knowing how you feel, sympathising even. Again, I would have been inclined to space the last two lines to add to their weight and allow the reader to fully absorb the message you are relaying. Just an opinion.

Lines 18 - 19, I like the abruptness and the words, brushes, slap and soft, great alliteration, also with the rhyme that with slap. It feels like a rude awakening and I am sure that is exactly how it was intended. Well done.

Lines 20 -24, like the abruptness of the previous two lines, I find myself dropping the proverbial penny. I now understand this poem. A tramp wandering the city's street, looking for a place to sleep. There was no change of scene earlier as there was no..change of scene! Danny, I like how you have lead the reader to believe one thing and then hinted throughout its true meaning.
The earlier stares would be from passers by, the slap, probably from a policeman, the icy bite, well the cold morning air and restless sleep would be all you could expect really.

Lines 25 - 31, tender sheets, like fragile news paper in a shop doorway, or on a park bench.
Living on the street must be awful and reading this makes you imagine why he is in this situation. Maybe he is missing his lover and that is what has driven him to live on the streets. In this situation I would want to sleep forever, rather that live the torture of remembering how life used to be before this.
I like how you fade out with the counting of sheep. This tells the reader that he is not fortunate enough to fall asleep with tender sheets, no he is yet again suffering with his over-active mind reminding him of his misfortune...finally though he dreams and in his dreams he has it all and he is happy.

Well done Danny, so sorry that this is so disjointed, but I prefer to comment as I read, I hope that way it is revealed how your poem works when it is read for the first time.

Well done, a nomination from me.

Michael

Touched by Aphrodite (3)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-06

Ingrid,

Your writings always astonish me. I do not believe that there would be a topic or a form that would flummox you, is there?

Title: Touched by Aphrodite
This title is one that speaks volumes.
Aphrodite: the Greek goddess of love and beauty. Apparently she was born when Uranus was castrated by his son Cronus. Greek mythology tells that Cronos threw his fathers severed genitals into the sea and sea foam Aphrodite arose. Now that is a way to enter the world!! Anyway I digress..touched by love and beauty, also meaning being effected by love/ beauty. Very intriguing so far. I will now read on..

Stanza 1:
Firstly, I would like to mention that I appreciate the rhyme scheme, a, b, a
Here I interpret a man, a gentleman, who has been heart broken and after much depression he is brought out of this sadness and into a happier state by the touch of love.

Stanza 2:
This is almost buoyant! Her melody played exclusively for him. This sounds like music, lyrics, perhaps? Or even the music of love? Being in love with another certainly feels like being under a spell, so we can all relate to this, well if we have been in love we can!

Stanza 3:
Love, a new experience, well for a male character it is. It seems that this song is now a duet, a song for two to sing. In this case a song for two lovers to sing. When the song is sung by two how share true love, the song is beautiful and the love is pure like cathedral bells.

Stanza 4:
Apollo: son of Zeus. He was god light and the sun; truth and prophecy; archery; medicine and healing; music, poetry, and the arts; and more. He floats in, like a constant good luck charm, blessing them, healing him and ensuring their love remains constant always.

Ingrid, this is a clever write and many would have written about a broken heart and a tale of finding 'the one' literally, but you have woven a story that is both mysterious upon first glance and then revealing when analysed
all is revealed (and more)

Very well done

((hugs))

Michael xx

The black raven (6)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-03

Ingrid,

I appreciate short (ish) form, lets take a closer look..

The black raven
^
This is a wonderfully title. It screams darkness of the sinister kind. The best kind if I might add. Hmmm, is there any other kind of darkness?

Silent killer
^
Creepy! This conjures up tension and the sinister flavour that the title suggested it would...I am happy!!

desecrating my sacred refuge
^
I imagine a disturbance has happened, like an invasion of privacy..maybe something more profound?

It's shadow overcastting
^
Darkness looming. I love the way you have effectively created this image. It is imposing and it feels like it is closing in.

flowers blooming abundantly
^
This is an interesting contrast, from darkness to blooming flowers and lots of them. I see lightness and vivid colour and a fragrance that fills the scene.

Intruder
^
Very effective, using this word on its own. It allows it to have maximum impact, especially after all that colour.

Cold piercing eyes
^
Such a clear description of darkness, an intruder with eyes, windows to his cold derk soul.

aiming for the gut
^
His power is directed to a centre, to the core.

The black raven
^
The title line revealed as the dark intruder, the malice and intended intimidator.

tries to regain command
^
Perfectly this poem draws to an end with the Raven, a metaphor for a returning nightmare, or person, or fear perhaps?

once more
^
Finishing this poem, a form that is deliberate in its structure. Here these two words tell me that this fear that had once been defeated/ faded has now returned - with vengeance?

Well done Ingrid, I can not imagine why this was down-voted, especially with no reason given in a comment. Why do that? Grrr!

Take care

((hugs))

Michael xx

Hold My Hand; Let's Begin. (3)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-01

Temps,

Title: Hold my hand, let's begin.
This title is like a smile and a hug all in one. It says you can trust me and no matter what, together is best from start till finish.

Stanza 1:
As the title suggests, we visualise the stronger of the two holding the others hand, but not just holding, no! Here the fingers are laced, symbolising a friendship that is sincere and trustworthy.

Stanza 2:
Here the trust image is reinforced and the recognition that friendship requires commitment over a long period of time. A new beginning, this suggests that there may have been an attempt at friendship in the past, but now with lessons learnt it is time to try again.

Stanza 3:
Here we see the confirmation of what was hinted in the previous stanza. It is inspirational and helps others realise that friendships can stumble, but if there is real genuine affection then it is always worth trying because the rewards can last a lifetime.

Stanza 4:
Team, this word is so symbolic with the importance of working together in order to achieve a mutual goal. As a single person we can show strength, but add this to a team, or in this case a friend, such a team is stronger and more capable together.

Temps, this is a wonderful and inspiring write. I hope your friend feels the same way you do. One thing for sure is s/he will understand exactly how you feel after reading this.

Take care my dear.

Michael

The Red Ribbon (16)
by Valedico

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-01

Danny,

Title: Red Ribbon:
This easily draws a mental picture for the reader, one of the item and also a strong suggestion of the female that this ribbon belonged to. The colour red symbolises strength, passion and a warning to others. With this mentioned I will read on..

Stanza 1:
Strangled in the first line, wow that is punchy, violent and draws the reader straight in with aggressive dominance.
In this stanza we have clear references to a lady murdered left floating on a lake, also a male who may or may not be the murderer, he may just be the person who found her?
What interests me is the fact that this could be a story told back to front, or maybe the murder, the lake, etc could all be metaphors for something different. I also appreciated the rhyme too, sobbing and throbbing and flies and side I will read on..

Stanza 2:
I really like the way you don't use strict form and use words so skilfully. The rhyme again is exquisite. I would like to suggest one thing here. When you mention, they fell to their knees' I suggest that if you wrote it like this, 'To their knees they fell' you could then on the next line you could write 'fell' again. I feel this would drive that image home of falling to ones knees' just an idea?
I also like the colours that you have used in this stanza, white, blue and red. Using colours is an effective way to create clear imagery and you have done this well.

Stanza 3:
Okay, my turn to have my breath taken. A serial killer and the worst kind too, one that murders children. I like the way that you uses short verse here to allow this revelation and the one of the 7 x ribbons to have maximum impact. Very effective indeed!

Stanza 4:
Using clear descriptive words punch home the awful nature of this poem and its subject. We know from them that she has been in the lake for days, possibly more. Also the sick calling card that the murder used to advertise his sickness. I like how you use in one sentence 'His art.' It allows the reader to imagine the killer and his obviously twisted mind, a mind that sees such murder as an art form, something to be proud of and something to repeat.

Stanza 5:
I am slightly disappointed with this stanza. Why? Well, to be told on the very next stanza who the murder is was for me too soon. Still, there is much left and the reason for this may be revealed.
I would like to mention that I feel that line three feels a bit forced. You could try swapping the lines around, like this,
there hung a man not thirty
from a buckled willow tree,
^
Just an idea?
I also like the subtle question mark after the reference of the confession note. It leaves it open and mysterious.

Stanza 6:
Again, you have chosen to use a short verse to highlight the change in feeling, in circumstance. Very effective.

Stanza 7:
Chills, that is what reading this gave me. This poem is very well thought out and it takes the reader on a roller-coaster ride and that for me is a good thing to achieve when writing a poem - well done.
So he kills girls who remind him of the daughter that he lost. The ribbon is a trigger for this poor man and when he sees the ribbon on a blonde girl he snaps.

Stanza 8:
Okay apart from mentioning the lake I worked out the rest, so maybe the last stanza isn't necessary, but there again not everyone reads a poem this deeply.

Well Danny this is a wonderful piece - a winner I am sure.

Take care

Michael

A Simple Haiku (LoVe) (3)
by ShesxSuchxAxDrug

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-01

I like short form poetry, such as Haihu's and Senyru's. I believe that Haiku's are written about nature, whereas Senry's are about human emotion (I think)

Anyway, your short verse speaks a lot:

Strange how love can kill,
^
I like how you have used 5 x monosyllable words. By doing this it stretches out the first line which in myh mind really allows the reader to think about the meaning of this line and so absorb its impact.

The very essence of man,
^
I like the word essence, it makes me think of concentrate, none of the fillers, just the bare essentials, much like this form really!

With a single kiss.
^
True to form the last line should sum up the previous two, and this does this very well. It creates a wonderfully clear image too. A kiss, like a magical bond that changes the mans behaviour, redering him a different person forever more. I see this kiss coming from an evil woman whoes only wish is to suck the goodness out of this man and leave him an empty corpes.

Well done.

Michael

Empty Promises (20)
by Faithless

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-01

Azzza,

Title: Empty Promises.
It is preety clear what this means. It is usually said in retrospect of a person's broken promises, a promise that it is thought the person never intended to keep. So with this said, the title suggest a poem with a certain amount of resentment flowing through it. Let me see..

Stanza 1:
This starts from the off with resentment. It also reveals (if I'm right) that the person may be another poet by reading the second line and its reference to lines and verse.
You also refelct on mis-fortune in this area of life in the last line. Life certainly does feel like this at times and feeling cursed is not uncommon.

Stanza 2:
This seems to be describing past events, a tense time where lack of communication fueled the anguish, right?

Stanza 3:
This continues on from the last stanza, except the time lapse is longer. I liked the opposites in lines 2 and 3, near and far, sweet and bitter, these speak for the resentment mixed with sadness that was felt.

Stanza 4:
As with the previous two stanzas, this has moved on in time further still. It also speaks off a person who yet after all this time is struggling with the past hurt and because if this is finding hard to move on and forget this trauma.

Stanza 5:
Such a sad ending. This describes a broken person who can only replay history's event, like a roundabout that never stops to let the riders off, trapped for eternity on a ride that seemed so much fun in the beginning and now is a ride from hell. Sound familiar?

Azzza, I like the rhyme scheme that you have used and it flows fairly well throughout. You could have maybe been a bit more imaginative with metaphors and this would have given the poem added depth.

Well done on this.

Michael

Midas Touch (triquatrain) (8)
by debbylyn

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-31

Debbie,

I would like to comment on this poem of yours. I believe that in order to understand poetry, you must try and read it thoroughly if the poem is to be understood. So here I go..

Title: Midas Touch.
This is a phrase that is used to describe good fortune, specifically of a person who seems to be lucky when it comes to making money. This term derives from Greek mythology, King Midas popularly remembered for his ability to turn all object into gold by simply touching them, hence the term of phrase, Midas Touch.
So with this in mind I am imagining gold to feature, either as the ore, or the symbol of gold in greed, or maybe the colour? Let's find out?

Stanza 1:
Line 1: This first line is charming, as it rhymes twice and that always pleases me. I am unsure at this point whether that is part of this 'triquatrain' form or not, I think that it may? This first line also tells me that this poem is about nature. With the summer gone, we feel sad as the warmth fades and the colours, specifically in the trees turn to, yes Gold! I see the grand array as the changing canopies.

Line 2: Here I see the term of 'Midas touch' as a simile (is that the correct term?) of the colour golden colours. As the summer greens turn/ unfold into the autumn gold.

Line 3: The words 'dark and winter' give a depressive tone, but then it is also blended with the words 'mirth and rebirth' which symbolises new happiness. Also these two words also rhyme, so I am thinking that maybe this form requires the 1st and the 3rd line to rhyme in this way.

Line 4: This is a great descriptive line. I can see the deep bed of golden leaves and I can imagine the crunch as footfall crushes these dry, fragile leaves that will ensure the soil beneath receives the goodness and so fertilizes the tree to continue its' growth.

Stanza 2:
Line 1: Here again the double rhyme (I'm happy) Metaphors (I think) for the on-coming season of spring - A chrysalis and Mantra. A Chrysalis, a shell where an insect, such as a caterpillar would make, and then eventually hatch/ spring to reveal a new insect of beauty, a butterfly. So I see this as from the sparseness of winter to the endowment of spring. Mantra, a healing chant right? So if it were left un-sung it would be a song waiting to be sung and along with it its healing properties.

Line 2: This is a dark line. I presume that 'his' is a reference to Mr Winter? And his tomb a winters depression which makes all/ mankind feel trapped, like a tomb with no escape, right?

Line 3: Yeah, rhyme again, so I am right *goes to check syllable count throughout* Right, no set syllable count, right?
Buds breaking snow - here is such a vivid image, I imagine a crocus for instance shooting through a snow laden flower bed. Warmth from below? Do you mean the warmth released from the energy in the erupting bulb?

Line 4: In this line I think I have the answer? Mother's replenishing womb: as in a bulb that will continue to re-grow year after year with the help from the soil, which in turn is helped from the goodness rotted into the soil from the autumns before.
This line brings all the seasons around full circle and so to a satisfying conclusion.

Debbie, I have thoroughly enjoyed deciphering your poem and I hope I have done this well. I would appreciate it if you could point out any errors, as that will help me learn for the future.

Well done

Michael

A Delicate Touch of Hope. (7)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-30

Temps.
I have just read the word 'feathery'..it kind of jumped off the screen at me. This is a wonderfully descriptive term; it has great imagery and is rich in symbolism. Anyway without further ado, I will comment as I read *gets comfy in his chair*

Title:
Hope is something we can all relate to. It features daily, from I hope I don't over sleep, to will I get that pay rise, to an extreme, like - I hope I'm not going to die!' So, adding to this rich word another word such as 'delicate' well, this adds dimension to this title. To me it suggests a certain amount of apprehension, like if we hope too much it will result in failure. A very good title I can't wait to read your poem, I 'hope' it is great?

Stanza 1:
'light' and 'feathery' and 'clouds' in one line we have the clearest of images. It gives the reader (or at least this one) a sense of weightlessness, being carefree, happy, etc..

Then you add the word 'sail, gracefully, refreshing and summer' this addition lends itself perfectly to an already clear image. All these words are 'feel good' words that conjure up happy times from our yesterdays.

This line successfully creates an elapsed amount of time. The word 'merges and afternoon' Here I see this afternoon, hot, though not too hot, otherwise it would not be as beautiful..I must read on..

Your description so far is so intense and I love it. This afternoon is drawing into early evening with the sky's colour turning into colours that suggest a sunset.

Now here's a twist - dry heat, this is the first negative term in the poem so far, but using it in with the title heading means that it immediately fills the reader with hope too.

I love this line and I will tell you why? Well, the fact that you have used it last and the fact that it tells the reader that this is not a poem of nature, no! It is a poem that uses nature and its elements as a metaphor for a person's mental well being. This gives this poem more depth and so makes me want to read the next stanza. So I will..

Stanza 2:
'Ineffable' great word meaning - too great to be described' wow, I mean it, great word and one I must remember. Ineffable taste of sweet air melting on a tongue, you make this sound like a dusting of icing sugar from the clouds sprinkling from the sky onto an outstretched tongue.

The release of sadness brought on by time and the beauty nature. That is what I think of with this next sentence. It also tells of great emotional trauma. This section really gets to the heart of this poem and so for me is satisfying in a sense that it weighs the balances the beauty with the knowledge that it is on the back of such 'sorrow'. Well done!

Your descriptions of tears as a release of the remaining 'sorrow' are so vivid. It is like when faced with such beauty, the release is almost overwhelming and almost euphoric.

With the release of tears the sadness subsides. I like this ending, however, I think that you could have turned this poem around by using your tears in conjunction with the needed rain for the 'dry heat' earlier. Now I know that the descriptions of the day in the 1st stanza were metaphorical, but the rain could be a refreshing summers rain a metaphor for tears that wept away the dryness of sadness. Just an idea?

Temps, this is one of the most beautifully descriptive poems that I have read in a long while, but the real beauty is that it has depth with its symbolism to human emotions.

Well done

Michael

Humbled by your love (9)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-30

Ingrid,

Your words here speak volumes and the form that you have used accentuates their impact.

Soul touched upon soul
Mirrored in your heart
^
Soul: meaning the spiritual or immortal part of a person. Here we have two souls, arguably the essence of two people meeting, or as I see this, a meeting of deep emotional feeling.

I saw imperfect me
So small, I was
To my knees
I fell
^
This is absolutely amazing. I see this as a person describing how humble, unworthy they feel faced with such honest emotion. So dramatic was this feeling that it reduced them with its enormity, levelling them to the ground.


For you, for you

My heart, my all
^
These two lines are intense and I like the way you have deliberately repeated 'for you' as this adds power to its meaning. Then with skill, you use the same syllable count in the second line - 'my heart, my all'. I see this line as gratitude to a souls/s meant sincerely from everything that you are. Now who could ask for more appreciation than that?


Humbled by you
Your heart an ocean
Immense
^
Again you have paced this poem, these words in order to have maximum impact, and it works too!
A great simile, you compare the generous nature of a person/s heart with the enormity of an ocean. Humbled indeed!


I want to drown inside of you
Be absorbed
by the beauty, the grace, the sweetness,
the wonder

of you
^
A plea of the highest measure: Here we see a compulsion to dive into such utter beautiful honesty.
This poem is a masterpiece in my eyes, for its form, for its imagery and its astounding sincerity.

Well done Ingrid, a fine poet of the highest degree.

((hugs))

Michael

The Twinkling Midnight Sky. (2)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-30

Temps,

..an ahhhh place! Wow, this certainly sounds like my kind of place. The thing with these types of places is that everyone's place would be unique to them. Okay, lets read about your place..

Title:
A calming image all by itself: A clear night sky, in this stars will twinkle. The time of the day - midnight, so this suggests either the beginning of a day, or the end? Lets read on..

Stanza 1:
Line 1: The title repeats itself here, not sure this is a good thing? However this amazing view lies overhead which suggests you are lying down. This could be on a blanket on a warm summers night, or maybe in a car, who knows?

Line2: From this vantage point the night sky is in full view. I can see the image you arte creating - a night sky, vividly clear and with more stars than any human could ever count. They must look like Christmas lights, gently flickering, very pretty and hypnotic.

Line 3: Ah, the answer to my question - On a grass blanket you lie whilst gazing up at the heavens, loosing yourself in the majesty and magnitude of the universe. How small we feel beneath such vastness?

Line 4: Absorbing the ancient universe, feeling it above, around and right through your skin. I imagine that it could feel just like this, like an enormous embrace.

Line 5: Though wrapped up in this calm of night sky a waft of breeze sweeps gently around you. On this breeze there is an almost angelic song that blends perfectly with this serene feeling.

Stanza 2:
Line 1: I imagine this delicate melody brings your sense alive, so you become 'heightened' and aware of everything around you, even the taste of the air.

Line 2: With a senses sparking like electricity running through them, magnifying their impact to you, it is no wonder that there would be no other place to compare. Who would want to leave this enchantment? Not you that is for sure!

Line 3: To be in a place of utter bliss, where a person could relax and feel at peace with the world and with themselves would certainly melt any worries into insignificance.

Line 4: Thoughts would enter a mind that was relaxed and so any thoughts would be at peace too. There would be a clarity of thought that would be impossible to find outside of this 'ahh place'

Line 5: Just you and the molecules of the universe, time would stand still and only you would exist in perfect harmonious bliss.

Temps, I think I became a little engrossed in your 'ahh place' you described it so well that I was able to imagine how it would feel for me too. That is credit to you and your ability for creating images that are clear by just using words.

Well done

Michael

Inner strength ( Senryu) (8)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-29

Ingrid,

Inner strength
^
This title is indeed powerful, but not of the obvious kind, more the kind that eminates from within. I believe that you can see this in a person who believes. It is like a silent force that gives them confidence in all they do.


Strong and free is he
^
I understand this line on more than one level. On it basic level, God is seen as strong, powerful. On another level, this strength/ power is to me, reliability. In regards to the word 'free' well there is no cost for his love, or indeed the power felt by having faith.

guided by his inner voice
^
Here we have a meaning of what 'faith' can provide, a voice, a reliable sence of love that is always there, showing you the way and giving you the belief in yourself because no matter the outcome his love is there, unconditional and true.

and lead by our Lord
^
Like a star, his light shines our footfall and helps us choose the path of happiness.

Ingrid, this is a description of the word 'Power' but not in the obvious sense. It is a clever interpretation and one that makes the reader think about themselves.

Well done

((hugs))

Michael

Tracing Lines (Collaboration with TJ Becker) (3)
by Inside the Liar

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-29

Skye,

A collaboration. I have tried a few of these and I realise how difficult they can be, but also how rewarding too. Working with another writer challenges the way you write a poem and instead of selfishly writing it how you like, you have to compromise with another. So, without any further ado, I will comment on this your collaboration with Skye.

Tracing Lines
^
Interesting title. It makes me visualise a child tracing over a picture/ words that have already quite perfectly been penned by another. If this is not a child, then it is an adult who maybe lacks maturity, requiring constant reassurance and confirmation that they are okay. Quite a title eh?

Stanza 1:
From the start a request, a need perhaps to fill a void? It is worded well, the word 'enchant' suggest magic and mysterious power, again maybe a secret yearning for a power that this person does not have?
'Bind me with your eyes' powerful imagery here. Eyes are known to be windows to a person's soul, so suggesting a look would bind another is powerful indeed. The word 'bind' is forceful, kind of confirms to me that this power is unequal.
The third line here is too long, too many syllables. Maybe you could use this: Direct my will in the midst?
The last line, two words, passion and lies. It seems there are two roles established here, Passion = good and Lies = bad, lets see how this pans out through the poem..

Stanza 2:
Intimacy and passion straight off, raunchy too! Blood flowing to places, well the blood is around my cheeks now! lol
Bang! Like a slap in the face my cheeks redden with shock now! A knife mixed with passion, well this is no longer be defined as caring and intimate love. I imagine 'Lies' has chosen to show their true cards and pounce on 'Passion' This was a good shock, as I believe that it is good to evoke a response and it certainly did for me, so I for one like this part. A suggestions though if I may? Instead of the words, 'then with your knife..' how about 'then with my knife..?' I believe that this brings for a greater shock and doesn't lead the reader into unnecessary confusion. Otherwise the role of 'Passion + good' must be bad too and must have known that 'Lies = bad' had the knife all along and so resulting in 'Lies and Passion both = bad' Confused? I was a little. I could prove as I continue that you are right, but I will see..

*Okay..I am wrong, however The 3rd line is too long and maybe could be more dramatic, like: 'Slash! Your knife traces my neck,'*

Stanza 3:
A bleeding throat caused by a knife is a very vivid image, but I also see this as a metaphor too. Allowing another to become so close to you, allowing them access, free reign over a heart is potentially fatal, especially when there is prior knowledge/ experience of there 'Lies' I see this knife against a vulnerable throat as the danger of being in love with a person who has already broken your heart. Just like tracing over lines, over a story that has already been written, we know whodunit, but the story is so compelling that we have to read it.

Stanza 4:
I see this poem so clearly now! :O)
Tourniquet of love will stop the flow, right?
Wrong! It is a good metaphor, but that is all. As the reader I can see that the power is all one sided and so this tourniquet will only stave off certain death for the time being. I can feel the desperation and the blind hope that love, or at least the lying words spoken will make it alright. It makes me feel so sad, but I must read on..
The meter is off and so it comes across to me as scruffy, and so it disturbs the flow for me. Excuse the pun!

Stanza 5:
Love conquers all? Well, I can see that it does in this verse. I would have liked to seen the weak fall and for the blood to spill quite literally, a lesson if you like that a relationship built on lies is doomed from the start and as a result the weak will fall.
With that said, this is an all-together better verse, it flows better and it has a loving quality to it that is sincere...just not in keeping with the vivid blood references. Just my opinion though! Bringing in the word 'Tracing' is a nice reinforcement of the title and so brings it together somewhat after the change in tempo.

Stanza 6:
A happy ending, though a disappointing one for me at least. Again this final verse is tidy and sentimental. You could replace the word' melts' with 'merges' this adds a syllable and makes it flow better, also a subtle change in the word 'shade' to 'blade' might link a previous reference to knife in nicely? One last suggestion, instead of using the word 'loving' you could use 'game', this would, in my opinion add mystery and inject a little darkness and suggestion that all is not in fact well?

Summary:
I felt that this poem started off really well. It had lots of potential for a fabulous dark write, using deep rich metaphors. To a point it has succeeded, but as I said it could have been darker and ultimately more tragic. The stanzas were not uniformed in their meter and the rhyme came across as forced in places. Having said this, writing with another is a challenge, so with all things considered, you have both done well and my suggestions are only a third person into an already complicated mix.

Take care both of you and well done.

Michael

Thief of Hearts. (7)
by Blissful

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-28

Blissy baby,

I have always enjoyed your work, but I feel to really understand a poem you first need to dissect it. I have refrained from reading it first and so I will comment as I read line by line. If this appears disjointed, well that is just my chaotic mind! lol

Stanza 1
Line 1: Imagery here from the off - I see those steps and they suggest youth to me combined with feminine grace. Innocence, also suggests the naivety of youth. The word 'lurk' makes me sense a person on the edges looking/spying in perhaps? So, in this opening line you have created the gentle, yet apprehensive footfall of a woman/ young girl.

Line 2: This is an interesting line. To me this creates a person who has developed a skill of stroking egos. By using compliments/ actions/ body language this person has learnt they are able to manipulate a person's behaviour to suit their own particular need.

Line 3: 'I Love You' loves true lyric. So powerful when the person believes its sincerity, yet so sinister when delivered as a deliberate deception.

Line 4: As with all deceptions, care to ensure it is not discovered is paramount. As mentioned before this deception is delivered skilfully, probably through considerable practice.

Line5: A wicked smile, now I believe that this smile is plastered onto the innocent victim?

Line 6: This kiss seals the spell as it were.


Stanza 2
Line 1: A spoken statement. I like this as it effectively stamps a reality to these words. I imagine that her lies are being questioned and so she faces this challenge by using her eyes, her windows to her soul to convince him/ her that her lies are in fact true. She is so sure of her talent that she offers her cold windows for inspection. I suspect that while her eyes were scrutinised she silently quaked hoping that her lies would not be discovered. Maybe she had lied for so long that she sometimes even believed herself. Is a lie a lie when you truly believe it?

Line 2: A spell cast creates an inviting hot pool, though once in it becomes a whirlpool that is impossible to escape and so further down a person is sucked. The sad fact is that while they are being drawn downwards, deeper into the spell they are blissfully unaware of their doom.

Line 3: 'Rupturing' is such a powerful, forceful word and so grabbed my attention. Through a gate, a defence, a mental protective barrier. Cloaked as brawny knight. Hmm, a disguised defence of a male? I think this means breaking the defences of a man, well maybe? Please let me know about this. :O)

Line 4: A pledge - a promise of being together and so making all that is negative positive with a holiday. It seems that there are desperate attempts to repair a relationship that is built on lies. The deception is unravelling fast and so is the spell of love.

Line 5: It seems that the power figure here is the woman/ girl and not the male. His is the role of villain. She is finally seeing through his lies, seeing him for who he always was, a man who only has power over those he can manipulate.

Line 6: Although she has her suspicions, which I might add he is partially aware of she is still under his spell and so her love for him compels her to want to believe that he is good and they can be okay, after all, maybe a holiday would repair the damage, give them the quality time that they so desperately deserve, maybe, just maybe?
This is a good turning point in this poem, one where the reader discovers the roles clearly and allows them to will the heroine to discover once and for all this villain for who he is. The question at this point is will she? It is a good vs. evil battle, one that creates suspense and intrigue. There is warning here too. She has imagined how she would react to the possible scenario where his lies are revealed and the weakness of his character, and it would be furious revenge, nothing less for such deception.



Stanza 3
Line 1: Interesting, I see this as a sarcastic comment. Love who you are, because no one else will do, least of all me! The screams come from the scorn mention in the previous line. I also feel that his title is either that of 'boyfriend, or more likely fiance', well maybe?

Line 2: Prizes, as in something won in a game - game of love perhaps? The fact that these prizes are stacked suggests that there are in fact many prizes. If the prizes were intended as a metaphor for woman, they would symbolize his repeated unfaithfulness. If this is so, it is a vivid and very clever picture painted by you.

Line 3: 'sprung' women? I see the string of victims, helplessly in his spell. The spring uncoiled, its kinetic energy spent and so left worthless is another superb image. :O)

Line 4: His true character is revealed here. She sees him for what he is, a man with no consciousness, who only uses other for his own selfish weakness. As the reader I hope he faces the full viciousness of her wrath.

Line 5: Cause and effect, he has no forethought for his actions. He cares not for other's feelings, in fact he believes that his lies are undetectable, so what is to fear? Charred virtue - an apt description of the damage caused, a feeling of an inner good being burnt.

Line 6: Honey eyes, not sure whose eyes these are. Either, they are hers and she chooses not to allow him to see the pain that he has caused her, or no tears from him because his heart is cold and no tears would come from such a cold desolate place? Please get back to me on this part too! :O)

Stanza 4
Line 1: A sarcastic farewell full of scorn, verging on hatred for his lies and his unfaithful deeds. Thief of hearts an apt term indeed! Referring to him as your thief too, confirms in no-uncertain terms that he stole your heart.

Line 2: Here she holds her anger close to her, she reservedly banishes him from her life, knowing that his heart will cry for her and cause him more damage than she could ever physically inflict on him, and secretly deep inside, she wills this to be so, knows this to be so. Using the word 'darling' shows the reader her ability to keep her respect for herself.

Bliss,
I am so glad that I have taken the time to read this poem of yours. On reflection I should have read it first and then it would have been clear who played which role. However, this confusion also added to the suspense and mystery. I must mention though that I was rather hoping to read about his demise, maybe another stanza where his world falls apart and he returns for forgiveness, another try, a situation where he discovers that you have grown in stature and have found true happiness with the type of man that he could never have be.

I see it now, a rainy night and he comes to your house. He walks towards the porch and he sees you in the illuminated room through the window, he focuses on your smile and recognises the sparkle in your eyes, reminiscing how you used to look at him like that. Then, into the windows view walks a proud handsome man and the two of you warmly embrace, while outside the rain falls onto a broken man, who finally experiences what it is like to cry from a broken heart. Slowly he walks away and we see through the window pure happiness.

A silly love note (9)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-28

Ingrid,

There are no silly words when it comes to love. When love is true, we speak from the heart and so the words we true are never silly, instead they stand tall and sing out sincerity loud and clear. Damn those who think these words are small, for these words are seen by your love like they were painted on an enormous billboard, or written across the sky.

True love is never ever silly, so whether left on a note or written in the stars its meaning is the most powerful emotion there is.

Take care my dear friend.

((hugs))

Michael xx

Kiss Away the Distance, Tonight. (5)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-28

Temps,

The title draws the reader in straight away.

Stanza 1:
Thirsty lips, well this is a wonderful way to describe the need for a kiss, for an embrace.
The image of an empty room with no love is clear for me as I read the word 'furnish me'
Trace each crevice, well I see this as the physical kiss, lips tracing. It could also mean exploring a lover's soul? The word 'delicately lends a request for care of something/one fragile.

Stanza 2:
A wish for change, a change in circumstances A kiss from a lover can make all things right, can't they? Love can bridge any gap and mend any wound, surely?

Stanza 3:
I see this verse as the person lying back in bed with their eyes closed. Maybe these lovers are on the phone and by shutting out the visible their voices can surround one another and they can forget the distance between them and instead imagine themselves together in the embrace that they both yearn for and need so urgently.

Stanza 4:
'Thoughts of you will continue to flow' these words are strong and show a loyalty that will endure all. Not only endure, but remain strong through all this hardship. A heart will not break as long as there is hope to keep it strong.

Stanza 5:
Problems will indeed unravel if, a person believes they can be and is committed to a shared goal. Goal - happiness with one another.

Stanza 6:
This means a lot this final stanza. I remember waiting all day just so that I could go on line and see my love on my monitor. The distance literally evaporates with a lovers image and their voice melting a heart with a loving smile.
I like how you finish this with a repeated line. 'Kiss away the distance between..'

Temps, I understand this poem all too well.

((Hugs))

Take care

Michael

A million memories (4)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-27

Ingrid,

You really are a most precious friend to have. I have read this poem once and now I will comment on it in depth.

A million memories
^
The title is much more than a stand a lone statement. I see it as a person/s life/lives condensed into memories. If this is right, then maybe a slightly different title, maybe, a million memories and more. This would lend the magnitude to the power of memories and to a person's life, well maybe?

1st stanza
Moonbeams silver and clear, a vivid image here. I see a clear sky and full moon and its light picking out the reflective detail of a helmet. I see this helmet as an ancient one, maybe because of its golden colour? It suggests that it may be a brass helmet that may have been worn during the war, how ancient I am unsure at this point? This gift, the helmet is raised, in recognition and in remembrance.
As I read this I see the raising and the gentle wind blowing simultaneously, am I seeing this right? The night sky is clear, so it is good to mention the stars here. Stars are so symbolic, especially being up there in the heavens.
A sacred ceremony: This makes this event feel like it is steeped in time. Two hands lift. I see this as two hands reaching out, stretching out to be lifted perhaps?

2nd Stanza
A relic. Here again a reference that to me suggests an even with a historic anchor, maybe? This kind of reminds me of the story of Arthur and the sword? I see the relic as the sword in the stone, or held aloft out of the lake? I find myself fighting with fact and fable. I realise that there are metaphors here, which connect past with present, linking mortal warriors living and sacrificing as they have done since time began. I also see the ceremony as a funeral and the memories scattered as ashes of a most beloved warrior/ mother now raising her arms up from this land to the sky, the heavens, an eternal place where she has the warmth of loved ones to keep her safe and wipe her tears for the ones she has left behind.

3rd Stanza
This last stanza is so beautiful and touching. Two angels returning to Earth to their son, who has conducted himself in a manner that they can only be very proud of. They always were and always will be. I see the picture clearly. One man stood, gallantly brave. He shoulders the grief, but he is not alone, he has his angles, his parents love still surrounding him. Their love and guidance will be with him always. They will see his world through his eyes and he will feel their reunited love for each other and for him in so many ways. He will see in natures beauty and in the beauty that is his heart, a gift that was born out of love, true love that will live forever.

He will write what his heart flows freely, sending out a message of a million memories and more.



Ingrid,

Thank you so much for writing such a wonderful poem. I feel like I have journeyed with you and with TJ too.

((hugs))

Michael

Now You're Gone (Lento) (14)
by debbylyn

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-27

Debbylyn,

I am in awe of your work and have been reading some of your poems and your work is incredibly good. I have much to learn.

I would like to comment on this one, if I may?

1st Stanza
An appropriate metaphor here: snow on a tender bloom. The icy cold of snow causes a silent suffocation of life. There is no reason for this, just natures call, or maybe heavens? Then the reference to un-sung lullabies brings immediate images of sadness and of incredible loss, not just of the infant, but also for the loss of what that adult that person would have become.

2nd Stanza
Another two superb metaphors: Parchment, suggest dryness to me, add this to the next one a gale eroding any life that may have clung to the already dry ground.
The last two lines, the gardener and the pail reference. I see the gardener as the father, his grief along with the mother, both crying their tears of lost hope together.

Very well done, to be able to express yourself as eloquently as this is a skill, but to do this with such a strict form is magical.

Take care

Michael

Consuming Darkness (19)
by Hardly Matters Now

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-27

Happy to help :O)

My interpretation of this poem is this:

The darkness that you refer to is a lover, specifically the lies that they cast like a spell. These lies created an alternate reality, a world where lies are not seen, like the wolf in sheep's clothing.

Over all this poem is a good one, however I think it requires an epithany, something shocking. This is darkness vs light, well sort of, so how about creating an ending where the reader believes that the light will prevail, but instead light suffers a dramatically shocking death. Just a thought?

Take care

Michael

Hope Chest (5)
by Sylvia A

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-26

Sylvia,

I haven't commented on a poem of yours for some time, so here goes! :O)


She sits on the floor by her cedar hope chest,
filled over the years with letters, gifts, photos,
her wedding dress, things memories are made of.
One by one, she touches them with tender care.
^
There is a lot of information in this first stanza. Firstly this lady is a mature and has decided to indulge in personal nostalgia. I imagine that this maybe in an old walk in attic, dusty and dimly lit, perhaps? Around her are various items, some of them mentioned, others possibly not. Each one was stored in this cherished cedar hope chest and deliberately placed for their sentimental value. I am not sure what a hope box is, but I imagine that it is something like a pirates chest, no? So, she sits there with her life around her, symbolised in various artefacts.


Letters tied with ribbon, edges stained and worn
from each of the times she has read them over.
Time never changes the words, they stay the same,
words of love sent from her handsome soldier boy.
^
This stanza focuses on the letters. The image of the letters carefully tied with ribbons really brings home to the reader just how cherished they are, especially considering the mention of them being read numerous times over the years.
Here we discover that these letters are from a soldier, during the war. This now raises the question whether he ever returned home to his sweetheart who is now years on sitting here reading your words, which are undoubtedly full of love for his sweetheart. Absence like this makes the heart yearn with love like no other absence. The question now in my mind is did he return, or did her yearning never stop.


Photographs of happy times, taken before he left for war.
Each a memory of a time and place in their life.
Her wedding dress has yellowed with the passage of time,
never worn on that very special day she had planned.
^
The story unfolds nicely here. Confirmation of a war and there happy times before he had to leave. Also the wedding dress, but not from a marriage, but rather from a planned marriage that never actually took place. This is quite a shock as it confirms that he did not actually return from the war, meaning ultimately that he was killed.


Atop all these things lays a telegram, the few words
she knows by heart, for she has read them a million times.
"I am sorry to inform you that your loved one was
killed in action", words delivered on their wedding day.
^
Here we are confirmation with the telegram of his sad, premature death. Sadness we feel for her, as she remembers his smile, their happy times together. It is like he is speaking to her as she reads his words as she traces the contours of his chiselled face in the photograph. Why had fate been so unkind to her, why? I imagine her tears are rolling now and she is prepared for them with her tissue.


With care she places each item back into its place,
until the next time she needs to see and feel her memories.
With age, they seem to fade a little bit every day,
but she knows those memories will always be in her hope chest.
^
A lovely way to bring this sad tale to an end, but as we learn, memories such as these never end when they are stored in a hope chest. I now imagine that this hope chest is something we all have inside of us, a place where our deepest emotions are stored. Years may reduce their impact, but the deepest feeling never fully fade, do they?

Well done Sylvia on this heartfelt poem.

Michael

Hidden Lake. (4)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-22

Temps,

this is an outstanding piece, so richly descriptive and all together whole. a worthy piece indeed.

1st stanza,
In this opening stanza I see you sweeping the vines away and your first inspection/ impression of the scene is what you describe. In three lines we know the lake is a trek through a forest/ woodland, probably unseen by human eyes. Maybe only angels have seen such a place?
Ahead your attention is drawn to not one, but two waterfalls. I see these as symetrical and identical, a perfect balance in this place of pure harmony. The water is clear, unpolluted. Light penetrates it with ease and brings it to life with an ever moving grace of changing shades of greens, blues and sparkling white.

2nd Stanza,
After your first initial inspection, you step closer, listen more intently and generally absorbe more of this ideallic paradise.
Firstly the water is heard as it crashes into the lake, then spreads out into the refreshing water, createing a sound that is both musical and hypnotic.
I like how you describe the birds song as 'voices' it is true they are communicating. They are communicating love, to firstly attract a mate and secondly to keep others away, although I should imaging that in a paradise such as this all animals would be blessed with a loving mate, so no need for threats here, just beautiful song!

3rd Stanza,
After taking in the nature of this blissful place, eyes are drawn to a sky of mesmorising blue. This sky has a clarity and crispness that lends itself perfectly to this lake and its surrounding habitat. The flowers all seem to be in full bloom and their vivd colours radiate their essence.
From sky to earth. There is no pathway, no, there is only soft plants, grass maybe to walk upon. each step is like stepping through deep feathers, soft and sumptuous.

4th Stanza,
Here in this final stanza we have a list of specifically picked flowers. A favourite of someone special, perhaps? Their essence is rich and together their aromas mix into a heavenly blend of scent that fills a persons heart with joy and timeless happy memories.
The sun is such a reliable energy force, but also a reliable one, one that we know each day we rise we shall see. It gives and support life, life such as this paradise.
Who created such a sun, such a paradise? Now that is what I call devine intervention and who would not want to spend their days in this heaven? I certainly would!

Well done on this collaboration, you both have clearly shown that you have the most amazing imaginations and you can describe such images so vividly.
A sign of a high quality collaboration is when the reader can't tell who wrote which part. I couldn't, so well done.

Take care

Michael

A Tale of Two Hearts. (10)
by Blissful

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-28

Bliss,

it has been a while since I have commented on a poem of yours, so here I go again..


Seeking devotion a faded heart can`t seem to find
Scorned by loves fiery flame`s leaving lovers blind
^
The first two line have a rhyme that sings to the ear, yet has a message that the majority of us can sympathise with. How to love again when trust has been abused and a heart has been broken..how?

Wandering this vast world wishing for a hint of hope
Who will heal their heartbreak and aid them to cope?
^
Lovely rhyme again. I must admit I am a sucker for rhyming verse. These lines ache with a yearning desire to find that magical love that will heal such deep wounds, wounds that can last a life time, ruining any future chance of happiness.


Two souls haunted by shadows of shattered dreams
Lock longing eyes while cleansing ache with gleam
^
Shadows, like memories that revolves and torments, never allowing a mind or heart to be free.
Lock longing eyes - well, I see this as two broken souls meeting and recognising each others pain. Am I right?

Approaching tentatively but with confident strides
Fusion of desires and passion attract then collide
^
These two not only recognise reflected pain, but also attraction.

Embracing love`s promise; gaining wisdom from sorrow
^
A lesson learnt, albeit a painful one...but how can one know when to open ones heart to another. Only by opening up can we truly love, but also, only by opening up can we be truly hurt; a risk, but one worth the reward that is on offer.

Joyful smiles erupt for beyond there`s a new tomorrow
Two hearts forgotten the lyrics to love`s sweet melody
Now strut with life in their eyes singing for all to see
^
New, true love sings its sweet song like a morning blackbird, triumphantly praising the heavens for this wonderful gift of happiness; two lovers basking in rays of love forever.


Well done on this poem, I really felt the emotion that you portrayed.

Michael

A Thirst Unquenched (15)
by Mysterious Charmer

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-28

Wow!!

My caution tape is removed.

This is amazing and I just wish that I could vote for it, but I have used up my quota.

1st Stanza
Greeted by a sand storm; a poem written in retrospect. I imaging this must have felt like a gentle spray of warm fragrant water at the time. How our hearts make our eyes see what our minds yearn.
I like the metaphor of sand, abrasively brutal.

2nd Stanza
I love the hourglass image with the hummingbird. As agile as the bird is, the falling grains will suffocate its movement, take away its rhythm, its flight, its life.

3rd Stanza
Caution tape, such a vivid image here too. In retrospect we see the warning signs, see how obvious they were. Indeed we then remember the warnings from family and friends..did we listen, no of course not, for love is blind!

4th Stanza
The eternal optimist, hoping that love will conquer all - well in this case a cold heart only serves to take more victims.

5th Stanza
A starved heart, leaching life, or in this case love and blind hope.

6th Stanza
Here I imagine her begging, pleading and promising her heart, her eternal love. However these are lies to extract the last reserves.

7th Stanza
Women like this never have enough. They selfishly take and do not pay attention to the consequences of their actions.

I like the adjoining lines that link up the stanza nicely.

Well done on a wonderfully written poem.

Michael

By My Side (1)
by SnoWryTeR xiaoDan

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-26

A wonderfully, well written poem..

So many years in darkness lain
Adrift lonely tides of pain
Worn without thy smile to be
How I often dream of thee
^
A truly poetic way of saying, 'I've been lonely for ages, often thinking about, waiting for love’s smile' I must say, I prefer your eloquent style!

Winter's solstice hath stole the soul
Bringing anguish and fatigue toll
Summer's bounty a leaf to palm
Afloat to grey no sadness balm
^
I interpret this as reminders of a cold winter, perhaps with cold memories also. Then summer arrives, new growth, time has elapsed and sadness has begun to ebb.

By my side, as two hearts beat
In warmth despite arduous sleet
Thy embrace, sweet sanctuary
A home lost since thou left me
^
This is interesting. Memories of moments spent with a loved one, spiked with painful sleet (a good metaphor for stinging pain caused by such recollections) A home, a sanctuary that houses not only the physical, but also the emotional, sadly now lost, only re-visited in painful thoughts.

Cast to time's elements of rue
Spring entombed since parting two
Sigh against the chill-tinged pane
How I yearn yet so in vain
^
Looking back over seasons gone, each holding lament regrets. This passing of seasons compounds the feeling of how difficult it is to move on from such heartache. The last two line are great. I love the play on words and the image created. Up against a window, looking out and daydreaming of how it could have been if fate had dealt a different hand.

Mist shrouds lonely road ahead
Qualms profound, to silence tread
By my side, were grace to fall
Would I rejoice and prevail all
^
To the last our Romeo keeps an optimistic stance. He can only move forward through his fears that haunt him. Fears of never being reunited with his Juliet, still he longs for his heart to be mended by that which broke it, and then all would be as it should be, Romeo with his Juliet.

Well done, I have enjoyed commenting on this write. I am sorry if I have interpreted any of the above incorrectly.

A very well written poem indeed

Michael

Learning to Dance in the Rain. (34)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-25

Temps,

you can't beat falling in love to bring out the heart of a poet..:O)

Droplets of rain fall down upon our bodies,
splashing randomly on the cold ground,
drenching our clothes as we dance close.
Your arms securely wrapped around my waist,
my hands gently placed upon your shoulders.
^
I imagine this scene like an opening scene of a Hollywood film. Camera pans in to a couple dancing close..I also imagine it being late, perhaps on a busy train platform. ...the camera slowly moves in closer, rain has drenched their clothes and hair falls in soaked tendrils; the rain and the crowd are of no significance as their dance, their moment is all that exists. In the foreground large droplets of rain splash into larger puddles; people, commuters with umbrellas walk around the pair as they dance close, dance slowly around, only seeing each others love in one another’s eyes.

Your guiding steps direct me through the puddles,
as we dance seductively to the rhythm of the rain.
Your delicate fingers run through my coarse brown hair,
then cup my oval shape face as you stare attentively
into my gorgeous blue eyes, yearning a passionate kiss.
^
This is incredible..can I make one suggestion though? Course hair, not sure that is a loving description..how about drenched brown hair, or wet velvet hair? Just an idea. Anyway, I digress..The man is shown here as a gentleman, he takes the lead when dancing, leading away from puddles, but there is more significance to this line...here is a man who is trustworthy, a man who will protect her, safeguard her heart as if it was his own. The camera is close up now, both faces dripping with the cold rain, both eyes fixed, both faces full of complete affection...his hands cupping her face, the anticipation is electric..will they kiss, the audience presume this must be their first if they do!


Suddenly you press your delicate lips upon mine,
luring me in closer, keeping me warm within your arms.
My ear placed perfectly on your heart listening to the beat,
as it sings to me those three words I love to hear.
Embraced so tight, forever in your arms I will remain.
^
Yes!!! He kisses her and she gladly returns his affection. She holds him and now no longer on tip-toe she listens to his love, his heart and feels its truth and it warms her like a comforting caress of blanket. His arms wrapped around her delicate frame..safe at last..happy at last!!


The beautiful smell of love lingers throughout the air,
as two lovers learn to dance in the everlasting rain.
^
The camera finally pans out, the pair still dancing, but now the rain has stopped and people are smiling and dawn is breaking. The camera, still panning out captures a sunrise, a deep orange sky, its rays spreading across a new sky..a new day has begun...The End

A wonderful write, full of love and passion.

((hugs))

Michael

My Muse Has Gone (6)
by BREEawNUHH

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-21

Bree, I will comment on your most recent work..I realise that it is entitled 'my muse has gone, so I will only comment on the poem's emotion. :O)

Here am I laying in this bed
the one we used to share.
You're not here anymore
but you don't seem to care.
^
A scene set, a sad scene. It is more than a picture of an empty bed, rather a picture of loneliness, a bed meant for two, but now only one. The emptiness screams out here, but also an air of resentment, which gives the reader the urge to read on..


The sheets are cold now
without the warmth from you.
Why am I dwelling on this
there's nothing I can do.
^
I like the way you have described the sheets, cold without the warmth. I also read into this the cold emanating from a lonely heart, a rejected heart. The emotion ends with hopelessness and a question..this must be answered and so I read on..


A ghost is all I'm left with
and maybe a memory or two.
Tears well up in my eyes
it's a pain I never knew.
^
Again references to coldness..a ghost resembling the cold, but also the memory that still hangs in the air. This is a wonderfully clear image, evoking appropriate emotions. A surprise for the reader here as you end this stanza with a fact that you have never felt this kind of loss before...I find honesty such as this always comes across well in a poem as it is the truth will all recognise and so appreciate to read.


I look over and expect you
even though I know you're gone.
The nights are the easy part-
the problem is waking at dawn.
^
The way you refer back to the empty bed, give a sense of elapsed time, a long evening spent dwelling on what used to be and what could have been. The admission of the nights being easy, must be the part where sleep takes you, removes you from the torment of this situation, then sadly consciousness brings you back to another lonely day, back to a mind full of memories, full of ghosts and cold thoughts.


I've lost my heart and my soul
and my muse has left me here.
I'm leaving everyone else now
and my intentions are clear.
^
This the final stanza, the poems title acknowledges itself and so the reader realises its meaning. With an overload of lonely emotions, pitiful thought and anguish over a situation that shows no signs of relenting this poets mind is drained through exhaustion. Not only has the muse gone, but sadly hints of a will to go on, this suggests a possible decision to leave this situation behind, the whole world behind, for what is there to live for..what?

This is such a dark way to end this poem, but it's end is beautifully dark, tragic and so perfect for this poem. *Not for you though* ((hugs))

Well done Bree, an honest write which I enjoyed commenting on.

Michael

Melted Alphabets (22)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-21

Soso,

this is beautifully and densely rich in metaphors. This is a piece that needs to be heard as each word sounds so great next to its neighbouring word..great flow throughout.

This is my favourite section..

The leaping pulse of hers,
was hammering hard
leaving phrase shattered behind,
and beyond ages of desertion;
the dry buds were moistened
by warmth of the breaths.
^
There is so much described or suggested here. Her racing heart after hearing words that she has yearned for, dreamed about for years..finally her heart/ faith, which had dried up is given life to by the breath of those words..I love you, perhaps?

Well done

Michael

Meet me under the moonlight (7)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-18

Ingrid,

What a gorgeous image. I can clearly see the scene, it is clear and crisp. The moon is full and its light illuminates the world. The street is bare and quiet, not even a gust of wind to move the scene....then you enter the scene, a park perhaps, maybe even a lamppost? You are wearing a flared dress, white, which appears to glow in the moonlight. You wait and smile knowing that your love will soon join you, meet with you. He will stride towards you and sweep you into an embrace and then your night dancing will commence. Swirling around and around in each others arms, in each others eyes and wrapped in each others hearts.

Well done Ingrid on this beautiful write.

Michael

Blessed seed ( Villanelle) (8)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-12

Ingrid,

you have made a superb job of writing this with LJ. Its' language is rich and flows with ease from one line to the next.

Like God, this poem has pureness at its very heart..a feature we should all strive for and seek in others.

Well done

Michael

The Day Two Hearts Stopped (31)
by Cindy

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-10

Cindy,

each and every word has so much emotion behind it, making the whole piece so sad.

As a poem its structure is such that the lines that you want to have maximum impact, do just that, they reach out and grabs your empathy and pulls it so hard.

I believe that all good poems should grab the reader, evoke their responses and make them think. This poem makes you think hard and makes you appreciate the good that we have in our lives and to never take it for granted, because life is precious and sadly too fragile.

Well done on an excellent piece.

((hugs))

Michael

Threads of Beauty (42)
by Hardly Matters Now

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-01

Okay here goes, honest, but only my humble opinion.

The fragile fabric has worn away
Its lived through many agonizing days
Too often this fatal mistake is made
The details and beauty start to fade
^
Fabric worn away, well that could be a fairly literal term for the skin, specifically beautiful skin that reduces its luster with the passage of time, compounded possibly with knocks of life...This metaphor is uncomplicated and appropriate for the context of this poem.


There is only so much it could take
Before the twisted threads break
Once it faces the inevitable end
It becomes difficult to comprehend
^
This stanza is fairly predictable, no surprises. Nice use of imagery though..threads twisting, like the pressure of life, or passing of time, eventually if wound tight enough it will snap like an elastic band!..Is this really difficult to understand? Maybe difficult to except?


How time could change such beauty
Into nothing more than a memory
So harshly sweet it passes one by
As pain turns numb with every cry
^
This final stanza should be stronger, contain some shock, an unrevealed fact to the reader. A poem that has a strong beginning, leading the reader to a satisfying conclusion is optimum...in my opinion this needs a little more to make it satisfying.

Your meter and rhyme were okay, maybe a bit forced in places, but on the whole okay. It is clear you understand poetry and probably like me enjoy practicing and exploring new forms and crave for honest feedback. I too am learning and much of my work, if not all is flawed to some degree. I enjoy writing and know that without feedback I would not have improved as much as I have done over the last year.

Well done on this poem, there is much I like about it and the comments are only suggestions. I give you a 5 :)

Take care

Michael

Velvet Whispers of a Tempted Heart. (15)
by Blissful

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-09

I really should take more notice as I never knew you had posted this. Now that I have, I shall comment..

Aching in acute withdrawal of sweet addiction
Evident in my eyes burning traces of conviction
The love you radiated, an apparent contradiction
^
Mixed messages on the surface, but undertones of sexual desire are there.
I love the way you describe your desire, a quest for water after a drought. Some may say using metaphors compound a message more effectively than similes, but I love how you have portrayed your hunger...not just hunger, but acute hunger, like an addiction that has now returned with vengeance.


An engaging smile hypnotized my soul in a trance
Effortlessly captured an innocent heart in one glance
Oozing thrilling charm...teasing of endless romance
^
The story continues. ..this sounds like a predator luring it's prey, a snake maybe with its eyes that mesmerise its prey closer, closer, then..too late! This predator is all knowing, a wise cunning predator who has experience of the hunt, knowledge of the game and just how to play it favourably. There is no rush, why rush when the meat will taste so much sweeter when cooked slowly.


Tracing delicate fingertips against my yearning skin
Never-ending fantasies take flight, oh, where to begin?
Awakening melodiously within an arousing type of sin
^
Describing this hunt as sin, shows the reader that there is guilt within this predator and so genuine feelings too. The fantasies that have undoubtedly been festering, growing throughout the fast are now set free, ready to be acted out..imagine that raw explosive pleasure?


Instil in piercing eyes fervent infatuation yet to transpire
Tickle throbbing lips with covert temptations sweet attire
Penetrate loves locked gate tenderly feeding my desire
^
This prey has no choice but to succumb to your desire. I like the way you describe the infatuation, which is a mental state, being installed..this makes me think that the prey has power over you too. The hunter, now the hunted..nice twist. Loves locked gate, a fortress of protection, built to protect form unwanted hunters...too late this fortress has been penetrated, bring on the passionate killing!


Fading flames of yesterday's passion call to ignite my fire
Soothingly sew my fallen wings to lastly take me higher
For you are the sole entity my smouldering essence requires
^
The smouldering embers of the last feed are flames once more. Fuel has ignited them again, repairing desire and making it rage once more. Flames lick its prey and knows it needs this prey too.


As lovely cherry lips twisted in a sly smirk eagerly part
Blissfully unmasks the velvet whispers of a tempted heart
^
Finally the unspoken desires are delicately released..velvet whispers (nice) by a wary heart, for that heart knows there is great risk in sharing such desires. Blissfully..is that a signature?



Overall I like this poem, I like that you have used rhyme, but also feel that it may have restricted your usual free form. Some the vocabulary was a bit of a mouthful. I like to read a poem and enjoy the way it sounds, not just hearing the rhyme at the end of each line, but also the way different words sound with each other..

Awakening melodiously within an arousing type of sin
^
Awakening melody rises within an arousing type of sin....I think this sounds better, because melodiously is lengthy, but also reducing that word allows the word rising, which lends itself with awakening.

Effortlessly captured an innocent heart in one glance
^
There is nothing easy about the word effortlessly, 8 x syllables for a start..phew!
Captured with easy an innocent..
or my prey captured, an innocent..

All the above are just my thought and I hope that you don't mind me sharing them with you.

You already use words that sound great together and I realise that sometimes a writer can become to close to their work to see of hear from a fresh perspective.

This poem is a profound one and like the intended desire, hypnotic..I enjoyed it a lot.

Well done

Michael

The Cycle of Hurt (3)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-08

You have written a very inspirational piece here.

It stars off with dark vivid discriptions of the inflicted words, the way they can cut wounds that are so much deeper than any blade could ever create.

It is true, he may step back and smile at his dark work, but what he does not realise is this...he has also wounded himself by inflicting such darkness and furthermore the absense of retaliation compounds his injuries by witnessing a strength that he could never hope to acheive. For such composure is empowering to you, yet disempowering for him..your strength is his weakness.

Well done Ingrid, very well done.

Take care

Michael

Where The Green Grass Grows (14)
by Cindy

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-06

Cindy, a lovely flowing poem..

The green grass..somewhere where it is greener than here?

Distant memories calling..someone a dear one, who still holds onto memories of you both, beckoning you away from a world of sadness?

This person, a close person who captured your soul and undoubtedly your heart. This soul is eternally merged to yours?

Suffering only makes you yearn for the day when you'll be together, way off in those distant skies.

You see this 'soul mate' waiting for you, arms out wide, ready to embrace the heart and soul that has been dearly missed all these years. This time it will be forever!

Cindy, this dream must keep help through the sad, tough times, knowing there is a welcoming light waiting for you.

Well done on this honest write. :)

Take care

Michael ((hugs))

Misconception, misconstrued. (5)
by Novalyn Grace RR

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-04

A wonderfully discriptive piece..

Behind gaping mouths await secrets,
Embedded in molars: untold gestures.
Clown-like truths that haunt the bearer.
Lets talk ambiguity -- bright and charming.
^
Unspoken words..great way to describe them imbedded in teeth, now they would only come out reluctantly!! Truly mysterious :)
Truth from clowns could never be relied upon, could it?


Lies pucker valiantly atop the corner of lips,
Scorching conversation with imaginative advances.
Flying outward with seemingly perfected cadence,
Creating faulty foundations beneath trusting feet.
^
I believe you are describing words that are fabricated for wanting ears, right?


Truth rests nonchalantly, leaning against tongue,
Near the tip he dances, to and fro: remaining.
Glimpses caught through hasty dialogue,
Right sided visions of fights inevitably lost.
^
So frustrating when the truth you long to hear isn't forthcoming, worse still, when it seems teasingly close.


Within each throat, deep and circumstantial,
Linger families whose morals sway.
Algorithms commonly accepted throughout.
Beloved and Unwanted bleeding with one accord.
^
A profound and revealing stanza. I imagine the words that are caught within a throat are stiffled through religious beliefs, maybe? On top of this a family, compounding the situation, their beliefs from a different generation and so more concrete, maybe?


Naked hearts were never my specialty,
Faults provided silver lined on dishes of gold.
Now humbled and regretful, seeking fresh horizons,
I surrender truth and lies altogether.
^
Naked hearts, to me this suggestsa person with little or no emotional protection, right?
Silver lined and dishes of gold..this sounds like religious references, though Im not sure?
It sounds like too much truth is a bad thing, you long for minds that are no so restricted, a new life where society is less restrictive, maybe?

A very good write, full of really good metaphors.

well done

Michael

Broke the lock and the key. (1)
by EmoKid

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-02

Syla,

such an emotional write..

A key can unlock a heart,
if you can match it up right.
One turn of motion,
can envolve a lot of emotion.
^
Likening love to a key is something we can all relate to. If that key manages to turn, then it opens up a whole new world.


Not everyone can hold the key,
not everyone has a locked heart.
Some have been broken,
some fell apart,and those stuck with the key
will never have the chance to try.
^
This interesting..exploring the emotional states of differing people. It is true some people fall in love too easy (no key needed) whilst others need the skills of a locksmith and then even they may fail, especially if that heart has been broken and extra securities have been put in place, or if the lock has jammed or fallen apart..entry is impossible..a life of loneliness. :(


Never do I want to trust you with this key,
i hide my heart,but i know my feelings wont deplete.
Its hard to tell you that your hurting me,
i shouldnt of trusted you..
^
This sounds like am ex-lover, who has broken your lock (trust/heart). If you reveal just how much they have hurt you, it would open you up to potentially further pain. The memory of love is all too fresh, too vivid.

How are we to love if we don't ever trust?


Now I sit here,staring at the pieces,
nothing is left that can be put back together,
^
Lovely imagery here..I see fragmented pieces of metal, springs, cogs (heart, tears, pain)


no reason left for me to smile.
The day is ending quick,and my eyes are sinking in tears,their not cleansing my soul anymore.
^
A desperate message, full of emotion. I like that way you describe eyes sinking into tears. It is like there are so many tears that the eyes have become heavy, saturated with them, so much so that they now sink. Ver good! :)


Tonight I will fall apart,and there is nothing you can do,
but imagine what you did.
^
There is no way that anyone reading this can't sympathise with your grief. When you experience this much pain, what else is there to do but hurt.

A very good write from you. You have clearly described in poetic terms how you feel. Love is a profound emotion and one that can lift you to the heavens one day and then pull that cloud from under you and send you hurtling to hell the next.

Pain of this magnitude is only temporary and light is always ahead of you. It is true the pain can last many years, even a lifetime, but not so much that you can't enjoy life again. Look around at the world, hear the birds, the childrens laughter, the sun, the seasons beauty. There is much to remind you that love is all around and not just in one person.

Take care :)

Michael

Cardboard Boats and Butterflies (18)
by Cindy

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-22

Cindy,

you have writen a timeless piece here... Well, I hope it is timeless, I wonder whether todays children play with the same imagination as we did. In an age of computers, I fear that a lot of their creativity is made up by programmers on the screen in front of them.

In each verse you describe familiar memories from my/our childhood, so timeless for me at least, oh how I wish I could return to those endless summers spent in far off mystical lands, adventuring though jungles, fighting Zulus and crocodiles and all this before mum called us in for tea!!

I miss those innocent days. Thank you for sharing this dedication with all of us.

Take care

Michael

Forbidden (3)
by Nicole

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-21

..a secret, keep it quiet, please don't tell.

I love this poem, it's flow and theme are all pleasing.

You begin with defining words in the whole stanza. Forbidden love, lust, secrets kept and always trust.
^
This holds so much weight and sets the scene for the rest of the poem.


Fobidden friends...and that one lie!!
^
This one lie jumps out at me as being very important. Lying can ruin a lifetime of trust, it can penetrate the uninpenetrable, even love!!

Forbidden conversations, always remember those times we had.
^
Sounds like a farewell to dialogue that will never be repeated again, friends no more!

Forbidden memories, forbidden today and forever..
^
This is so final, so definite..there is just no way back.

This poem is filled with painful regret and brimming with sadness. Although it suggest a relationship of 3 and because of it a air of seediness, it is still very sad to read and makes the reader feel sorrow for the loss of a great potential love that never reached its hights.

Well done on this poem and welcome to the club. :)


Michael

The Old Friend at My Window (15)
by Cindy

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-18

Cindy,

I see you too have an affinity for nature, specifically trees, an oak in this case.

Oak trees are to me, like old wise symbols of nature. They survey the landscape, quietly, methodically taking stock of all comings and goings. They gather this information and have over the years, hundreds of them learnt about man and his dark nature.

In this poem, you praise not only the wise oak, but also the beauty of autumn and its place in the cycle of life, yours and the oak. You describe this relationship and it is clearly respectful. The oak has arms, making it almost human, suggesting that it does in fact posess wisdom.

This is a colourful poem that has a richness of maturity that lends itself nicely to its theme. A poem complimenting mother nature on her wonders, one of them being her stately trees!

Well done

Michael

Red and balck (2)
by Mister 47

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-18

I have quiclkly read this and liked it, so I will now read it again and comment..


Seeing her in her red and black ,
it seem i get those memories back
^
Red and black, two colours, suggesting erotisum, compouding with the image of supreme confidence.
Memories returning, perhaps this temptress is already known?

she is so cool in those underpants
she make me lose my common sense
^
Sexual desire is perhaps one of the most powerful emotions to man and womankind. We literally murder others in pursuit of it! A nice image of this lady stood in her underware, is there any other that can match it, I think not?

if you only see her boobs one time
you will become mummy a worthless mime
^
I found the word 'boobs' distracting. Substituding it for the word 'breasts' may suit this better? I absolutely love the similar image of being dumbfounded to being a mummy and a silent mime...I can literally see you, motionless and with your mouth a gape!

if now if that all happen and you only see
imagine if you touch what will really be
^
The wording here doesn't make a lot of sense. What I surmise you are saying is this, now if that is what happpens from a stare, Imagine touching beneath that underware!
Just an idea?

how can a man handle this extreme lust
to have defense against that power , we must
^
Will power fluctuates dependant on the temptation and the persons state of mind. This particular scene, of a temptress is an especially difficult one to resist. One we must though, I agree!

i am saying we are the chefs, and kings
how can a women to our knees brings
^
That is a falacy, the true creatures of power across the majority of the animal kingdom is the females. We may have the strength of body, but they have the strength of mind and this afterall is supremely more powerful than the body.

Well done on this poem, I enjoyed it a lot.

Michael
i don't understand the power of this
all i can think off now is getting that kiss

Unsilenced Demon (8)
by Discreet Evil xx

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-14

I just have to comment on this piece and am suprised that no one has done so yet!

A sparkle in the eye
With devilish intentions
Evil thoughts encircle the mind
As silent chuckles gains attention
^
A description of an evil character, one who is quite insane, possibly the most dangerous characters? For what boundaries does such a person have, none I suspect!


People begin to look scared
The atmosphere changes t silence
As those twinkling eyes fade red
In her head are vsions of violence
^
The terror unfolds, in a public place too! *you seem to have missed to 'o' off to.
I like the mystery you have created here. What image was this character presenting to make all around her look so petrified? I also like the imagery with the changing eye colour! * You have missed an 'i' out of the word Vision.

One lady begins screaming
As Her penetrating stare kills
Others step away slowly
Unknowing of Her skills
^
If looks could kill? Imagine, a stare actually killing you! Imagine also, what kind of dark power required to do this? I can clearly see the crowd dispersing away from this evil entity, confused as to what they have seen, but also wise enough to know they should move away..and fast! .. Good!!


She pounces high into the air
The crowd breaks away at a run
But these innocent souls are dead
She's having too much fun
^
Wow, the dark power esculates in intensity. Mass slaughtering from this demon, somehow it has managed to elevate itself..wings, perhaps? From this vantage point the slaughtering is easier! The darkest aspect is her enjoyment!


With each slice of Her venomous teeth
Another throat gets ripped open
Screams fill the room, silent to Her ears
The orgasm as she kills again and again
^
Again, the intensity steps up a gear. This murderess is hands on, or should I say teeth? Great use of words to describe this poor persons demise. Venemous teeth - slicing - ripped open. I can see this scene so clearly, camara close ups as the jugular explodes in slow motion. Screaming from terrified, soon to be dead members of the deminishing crowd.


The red eyes begin to falter brown
The speed she once knew, now slowed
The silence she was heard, now screams
She collapses, body ready to explode
^
The climax subsides, her hunger quenched and her power reduced also....i guess even demons feel tired and ready to pop after meals!! LOL
*The silence she was heard, this doesn't make sence to me. Do you mean, The silence she once heard? Even so, surely it should be The screams she once heard, now silence? Just a thought!


The crowd continue running, unaware
Unaware of the danger this child is in
The Demon eating at Her insides, agony
Killing this poor girl from the soul within
^
This last stanza is pinicle in this piece, for in it it explains the whole piece. The Demon is a metaphor for frustration/ fear/ anger, basically negative emotions stored up, pent up, releasing occasionally, but sometimes frequently to all those around, probablt to loved ones!?

Often when we feel this way we swallow this anger down, when we feel angry, but there is only so much we can take before it errupts into another person, one that no one recognises. This Demon is you, isn't it?

Well done on a fantastic write!!!


Michael

Stay Gone (2)
by Teenage Romance

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-12

I can totally relate to this poem.

I believe that breaking off a loving relationship is possibly one of the most difficult things to do. If you still have a good friendship, trying to define a friends only relationship is so difficult to acheive. If you break up and their is no other person envolved, you only have will power to fall back onto and it can be so lonely, the sweet memory of loving caresses constantly tease you, trying to break your will. At night you toss and turn and tears flow as you close your eyes in your empty bed, alone and without your best friend and lover.

Well done for writing about this.


Michael

My Mr. Right (2)
by Teenage Romance

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-12

Such a lovely tale of fairytale moment. You have described to well the walk to the wedding car, together with the thoughts, some happy, others apprehensive and all completely natural.

This stanza hold the true weight of this poem, well for me anyway:

Your eyes hold it all,
Every thing I'll need to know.
I'm gonna embrace our future tightly,
Hoping you also won't let go.

We all hope that waht we invest in will work out well for us. A marriage made in heaven..I sincerly hope so!!

Well done on writing this and capturing more than the image played out. I believe good poetry leaves the reader pondering between and beyond the poets lines. You did for me and I am pleased that you have the skill to do so! :)


Michael

Untitled (3)
by Chelsea

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-11

Fire turns to ice
and tears to stone;
Withered flowers
drift and blow.

I scream from lungs
a muffled cry,
No one cares,
or asks me why?

So much abuse
on my esteem,
Feel my fury
of tornado pleas.

Save me world
from blinding rain
Turn life around,
please numb my pain.

^
I have tried to keep the essense of you work, but this is just an idea. If you would like more help or explanation, PM me.

Welccome to the club and remember it doesn't really matter how it looks, as long as your writing your feelings down. Each person has their own style, so please read as much as you can and use styles that best suit your own flow.

Well done

Michael

Of Harmony (10)
by Natalie

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-09

Natale,

this looks good enough to frame...

Pink sways slashed across darkening blue velvet skies,
^
I can see the pollution caused be the ever increasing air-traffic. It may look colouful, pretty even, but it is nothing more than poison.

Wondering who will stop to identify this vivid beauty.
^
Beautiful destruction?
Rushing man denying, cannot find time to embrace life,
^
A world where time is money, but the world has little time left, who actually cares, certainly not the man in the suit!

The moon has no curative power for his ignorant mind.
^
Agreed, the moon is just another orb to infest!!

Traumas dictate the formation of our lonely personas,
Amongst each other we search for a rescue, salvation.
True happiness can be found with the smile of a child,
Stopping to recognise God's presence in a mere flower.
^
So true, happiness is often over complicated, people spend untold wealth and cause unaccountable misery in the search for happiness. The true is happiness is everywhere and doesn't cost a penny. *smiles*

Fading clouds slowly announcing the passage of time,
Life drifts away measured by a mechanical definition.
^
Man is too proud of its acheivemnets, he litters the earth and pollutes the sky and sings his praises, but all he's actually doing is nailing the coffin of this doomed planet.

Momentarily our skin deteriorates as death approaches,
I attempt to comprehend the emotional value of money.
^
Global warming is just one of the effects of our abuse on this planet, when will we stop? Alas, not before it's too late. We are all responsilble for our doom, yet most are affraid to admit this to themselves, let alone stand up and make a statement.


When did zest for live become a materialistic concept?
^
The day man believed he was infalable.

Do we believe ourselves superior to a mere white daisy?
If this song, I hear today, trivial as it is, makes me happy,
How can I believe that this forest does not affect my life?
^
We share this world, that is a fact, however many of us believe it is there for the taking. The fragile balance of life is being lost as we continue to take and not give back. The goverments need to do more. We need to do more, we all need to help this dying planet!

Man arrogantly parades the earth stealing what isn't his,
Naming the land his because he has the ability of speech.
Who are you man? Only the inferior dream of superiority.
Powerful is he who lives harmoniously with God's gifts.
^
Well said Natalie. We rape this Earth, we have no consent, but we take much more than our fill regardless. This Earth is battered, bruised and crying for us to stop, pleading with man to stop **cking her. Man is a rapist a bully a murderer who commits crimes daily. I only hope man repents before it's too late!

Wow Natalie, this is awe inspiring. I mean it when I say you are destined for bigger things. I will look forward to the day when I can say to others..'Natalie Sarantos, yeah, I've known her for years, before she changed the world!'

Natalie, you already changed mine!!



Michael
xxxxx

Anti-Everything (9)
by Steven Topaz

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-09

I sit here dreading,
All the laughter and joy.
While I'm thinking
of a much greater pln intersting start, most people would look forward to laughter, unless it was at your expense?

Dividing the heart.
Dividing the sin.
Starting to reveal,
The humanity within.
^
Great image...scheming *rubs chin*

I walk here silently,
Devoured and cold.
Thinking about life,
And hot it is getting old.
^
Second line is great, like you're describing the walking dead! Not too sure about the last line though, its a bit busy!

Devaluing Life,
Devaluing mind.
Trapping our souls.
It a demonic Bind.
^
Great flow and words - well done!


I cry here dreading,
All of the false love.
As I fall down in vein,
As my heart keeps bleeding,
I wonder if Im still sane.
^
There is an extra line in this verse.
Sanity, who can really judge such a thing, certainly not ourselves. A intriguing ending!

Overall, well done.

Michael

I lay here dying,
As the world just walks by,
This is better then crying.
Despite the world before.

As my last words
Sliver from my blood dried lips.
I say screw you world.
As my heart is worn out and sore.

Unspoken Words For Summer (23)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-07

Samia,

I intend to comment as I read,
so that you can gain my true instant reactions.

Walking for miles in the noon
till my cheeks flame.
^ I rather like this turn of phrase, dropping the 'after' catches the eye and ear in a positive way. You have also created an image of heat from exhaustion and/ or possibly climate. I now visualise a trek across a desert, but also know this could possibly be a metaphor, not yet understood.

Free-minded, cheerful youthful spirit
seeks for holding the beauty within.
^ Too many nouns, perhaps? Maybe you could exchange cheerful youthful spirit, for smiling spirit of youth. Just one possible idea?

Teasing the shaky delicate waves.
^Again using two nouns, I quite like it, but using words to describe its temperature, like crisp, chilly, refreshing etc

Inhaling the salty smell of the shore.
Enjoying the touch of the wind
as it caresses the strands on my face.
Feeling calm as I witness the scarlet sunset;
lays gleams of peace and warmth
on the green grass coated earth.
^ I really like the above, lovely description.
I would only drop the word 'grass' as I feel you don't need to use grass as the word 'green' creates an image of a flourishing planet quite well enough. In fact green flourishing earth has a nice ring to it!

That is how we used to be.
^ Good line, a past tense, suggesting a possible twist of fate ahead?

O` my adorable sensual season!
What took place between us?
^ I rather like the sound of Sensual and season together, so not too much for me! A question leads nicely into the next stanza, keeping this readers interest.

How much wildness you held this time,
for my easy breakable heart.
^ I believe this is the truth of the seasons metaphor, a summer love of days spent together, beach days perhaps?

The buds of delight
failed to blossom in my eyes,
instead; flashes of pain were reflected
on the surface of millions of pearls.
^ A lovely description of excruciating pain. I have tried to re-word it, just to give you ideas - Flashes of pain scream off a million pearl facades.

My sandy castle of dreams
was wrecked under feet of tide
^ Sandy castle? Sand castle sounds better! Also, wrecked beneath a tidal whim. Or step, maybe? Again, just an idea.

I thought once was my intimate.
^ This line confuses me! Is the ocean a metaphor for a love, now tarnished, once only sacred for you?

The shiny wind became rough and blowy,
swept away every single hope
brought by a drop of morning dew.
^ The pure wind turned into a dark storm, sweeping away any drop of hope contained in morning dew. (Just a thought) I like the wind metaphor, describing disloyalty.

Though the harm you caused
Yet; here you are
^ Harm being a broken heart and loss of faith.

insisting to revive the recent past
to refresh the stinging thoughts
and with your last days among us,
forcing me to write another poem
tells how injurious; true passion can be.
^ I feel like the end is rushed. It doesn't flow with the same descriptive theme. Maybe you chose to, so as to leave a foot note for the reader, a kind of warning message, a lifebuoy, if you like; passing ships beware of the jagged rocks beneath the surface!!

Samia, overall I like this poem it is written with true poetic heart and structure. My ideas are simply that, just ideas. If they inspire changes that you prefer then great if not, then that's fine too.

Well done from me.

Michael

To My Daughter (12)
by cassanova

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-07

First things first, I want to wish your little girl the very best, she certainly sounds like a fighter and with the love of her parents she'll go from strength to strength. Go girl!!

Now the poem. I have written plenty of similar poems. My son is now 7 and his start in life rocky to say the least. He spent his first 8 months in hospital and his journey was a real roller coaster ride, much of this I have documented in the form of poetry.
One small observation, possibly a typo? Preying should be praying :)
It is a written to and about your daughter, an honest write, full of sincere wishes from a doting dad and mum too. I totally relate - well done.

If you need any words of wisdom, please feel free to PM me.

Best of luck to you all.

Michael

Four Angels (16)
by Cindy

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-02

Great work showing off not only your inspiring talent, but more importantly your compassion.

You have managed to capture and create images from history and imortalised the pure serenity before the tragedy wiped it away.

Well done

Michael

Fairytales Do Exist: Here's Mine (Extremely Long) (20)
by Mysterious Charmer

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-01

..I am going to comment as I read so bear with me..

I was never one to believe in happily ever after
Many times I though to myself...
Will I ever find my princess?
Will there be anyone..who...who will find my heart?
And when they find it, will they keep it warm?
....keep it close?
^^
A nice introduction - questions and suspense mixed with intrigue.

Many thoughts ran through my mind about this....
Distant princess
Is she just a part of my imagination?
Or is she just waiting for me to find her?
So many questions I have inside...
But no answers to sustain my curiosity..
^^
A question that Im sure many of us have wondered, love are we destined to find it, if so will it knock or do we go knocking? Interesting?? Well done.


Pessimism fills the depths of my soul
For loneliness is all I feel in this harsh world.
True love..is nothing but a distant dream in today's society
I've come to many dead ends..
Witnessed and felt many o broken heart
^^
This stanza tells us more about the writer, sugestions of previous heart ache. A sad turn in this tale.


Fairytale? Ever after?
Were always thought impossible
I did believe in them once though
But you know what a broken heart can do..
What can I say I thought she was the one
But everyone makes mistakes..
^^
Confirmation in this stanza, a broken heart that squashed your faith in love and its exsistance. This is something I certainly can relate to, having believed the same..so sad.


Love? How does it feel to truly be in love?
How do you know when you're truly in it?
More questions pop into my head...
Still no answers though..
My patience wears thin as my curiosity and loneliness
Continue to rip and tear at me
^^
The truth is when you feel this tremendous sense of loss, it confirms that love has played a part in your broken heart...you have felt its joy and so its pain when it failed.


All hope seemed lost...
Love seemed as rare as witnessing a falling star.
^^
I love this, very symbolic.


Then she came along..out of nowhere..most unexpectedly
I must say at first I didn't realize what I had
I was in denial with pessimism covering my eyes
Plus the very fear of getting my heart broken...
Once more
^^
Great a twist in this sad tale, hope on the horizon..with a tinge of apprehension of course!!


There she was...my princess
So why do I deny and conceal my feelings for her?
She is so amazing..I can't let this angel slip away!
No..she's not perfect at all!
There are times where she drives me crazy!
But...I love her, so why is it so hard to say?
^^
Holding back, or at least trying to, but as time moves on its harder to keep that guard up. Love isn't perfect that's why it matches humankind so well.


I guess I was just afraid of giving it another try
So I let my insecurities and fear get in the way.
After awhile though I realized...
I couldn't let my insecurities and fears,
Get in the way of my passion for her
^^
Love fights its way through any guards put up, it blossoms and shines, wanting to be all that it can be.


I mean it took a few months..
For me to muster up enough courage
But..
At least I told her right?
You know better late than never...right?
WRONG!!!
Even though I told her...it was to late
Then before my eyes..my dream fell apart
My princess..my...my princess had found another prince.
My kingdom fell...
^^
No, No, No....not another twist, why can't love suceed and win, why does life have to be so cruel. I know this is sad, but its a good write!!


I felt a tear in my heart that no stitch could mend
I'm to blame though..I let everything get in the way
Tears fell from my soul constantly..
Then I came to another realization,
That if I truly loved her that I'd be happy for her.
No matter what...no matter what,
Although I wouldn't be the one making her happy..
^^
Great imagry and more emotional sadness in this stanza...its breathless.


Took me awhile to realize this..
Though it hurts, and still hurts I'm glad I realize this

Now lets fast-forward a few years....
^^
great suspense, spacing your work out in this way.


I lost contact with her after a few months..
Well after all that went down..anyway
I mean even after some odd years...
There were times when she was all I thought about
Night and day...
I always wondered if she was alright
Plus If that relationship worked out
^^
Again, I have been here my friend, the pain, the memory may fade, but it never, never disappears....sad, but true!


Then once again, strangely out of nowhere....
There she was.. right across the way from me..alone?
I called to her, quickly approaching
My lonely uncovered heart felt warm...once again
Like it was the first time she captured my eye
^^
I can't take this....another twist, but now I feel apprehensive...will love survive, or not?


Over the next few days we've talked and talked
Catching up on things we both missed
I did find out that she split from that guy
Awhile ago..I was shocked to hear this
I felt the feelings that I suppressed for so long,
Fill my body like the blood that runs through my veins
Then the words will you be with me poured from my lips.
I couldn't believe I spoke those words, I felt stupid.
To my amazement though she said..yes
It took awhile to sink in,
When it did I've never felt happier
^^
Yes...but, still I can't quite believe that happiness is here to stay. I can imagine how you must have felt at this point.


Now lets fast-forward in time again my friends...
^^
Here it comes??


Me and my lovely princess did marry after about 2 years..
We've had a few children...
Who by the way have turned out great..
We are definitely proud parents...
Also proud grandparents too,
Yes..yes we're still together after all these years
^^
*shout with glee and leaps about the room* Yes, this is such a great ending, I am so happy for you both!


I say our story is quite interesting..
Also makes a great bedtime story for the little ones
Yeah..they sure love to hear about how we feel in love
Grandma and grandpa...
Even though our story..
Really wasn't like the ones in the story books
I still and forever will call this my fairytale..
^^
This has all the ups and downs of any great fairytale, your fairytale and like a fairytale it has a happy ending.


For even though we're not perfect people
The love we have for each other is
And there my friends lies the fairytale....
^^
Sumarised perfectly!

You have penned this tale, your fairytale so well. your structure lended to its suspense and your storytelling really kept the reader (me) on the edge of their seat(s) I really thought the happy ending would never come, but I am so glad it did.

Well done

Michael

Immortal Man (10)
by Jennifer RIP Lesthat Hayden

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-19

Jen, I will comment on this as I read, so excuse me if I make no sence at all :/

The night betrays the day as you betray the dead.
You continue on living with a bullet in your head.
You're not a vampire, nor zombie, not even a ghost,
but whatever you are you're what I fear the most.
^^
A condradiction to start this poem, great! An entity, who is no known monster, but who should be dead, a thing who defies all science and sci -fi too *scratches head* A great image too, a thing so impervious that it can survive with a bullet lodged in its brain, its nerve centre!! Wow!!!!


Walking amongst the shadows, touching every grave
thinking of each corpse and the life they gave.
Yet you continue to walk, with your abused skin.
I question if you're an angel or a spawn of sin.
^^
The imagery is great here too. Eerie graveyard dead beneath its feet, it is like its confused too, to why it should still live? Surely the dammed (if thats is what it is) deserve to die sometime? The last line rocks...spawn of sin - yeah, I love it!!!


Your body, a history, of anguish and pain.
Out of all things crazy, you seem rather sane.
Though troubled, with depression in your eyes,
you make it alone, with no family ties.
^^
Now this seems to hit home, a little too close. I feel you know this person too well, don't you Jen?


Sometimes I feel sorry for the creature you are;
you could bleed forever and it'd just be a scar.
I don't know of your age, you seem an immortal man.
Your appearance is nothing compared to your life span.
^^
Confusion again, led off the sent :(
Maybe you are describing depression as a male demonic force?


On your wrists I see gashes, an attempt to end it all,
but for some reason death won't take your call.
You're the depressing tale of an immortal man
who tries to take his life in any way he can.
^^
Death is a solution, but it can also act like the Holy Grail, so near but so far out of reach.
They say the good die young, but there again i know lots of older people who have huge hearts and they still live to rock!!

A mysterious dark write that I don't thiink I completely got to grips of, but hey it was really good to read and comment on.

I have always admired your work, your rhyme and meter are superb - I appreciate these things and look for them in other peoples work :)

Michael

Between Two Hearts (Collab With Cindy) (10)
by End Of Eternity

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-19

A great collaboration, filled with vivid emotion...

Wishing things were different
Another place another time
Souls connected across oceans
Two hearts forever entwined
^^
This is a familiar feeling, wanting circumstances to be different, distances to be dramatically reduced perhaps?

Tears would have smiled brightly
Leaving covetous pain behind
Life appreciate it's worthiness
When only love fills our minds
^^
This is a lovely stanza, beautifully written. If only life could be different and loves gift given every chance to blossom and sing its true song, If only?


Spirits flying through the night
Traveling hot desert sands
Sending all my love to you
Hold it gently in your hands
^^
Such a dreamy sweet verse full of imagery. Words floating, spanning the vast distance. You mention desert, this really creates a distance for me. Love sent maybe by letter, a letter that can be read again and again and kept close to a persons heart.

Sky would crack just to bless
This love that we hold inside
Heart would travel distances
Undoing tears that we have cried
^^
In the presence of love the sky would crack - wonderful tribute to love, not just any love, perhaps the greatest love of all?
This is clearly a poem about two hearts in love and the anguish felt when distance keeps this love from its physical embrace.

Well done to you both


Michael

Between Two Hearts (Collab with End Of Eternity) (11)
by Cindy

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-19

Cindy, i will read as I comment, so if its disjointed, I apologise inadvance :)


Wishing things were different
Another place another time
Souls connected across oceans
Two hearts forever entwined
^^
This is a familiar feeling, wanting circumstances to be different, distances to be dramatically reduced perhaps?

Tears would have smiled brightly
Leaving covetous pain behind
Life appreciate it's worthiness
When only love fills our minds
^^
This is a lovely stanza, beautifully written. If only life could be different and loves gift given every chance to blossom and sing its true song, If only?


Spirits flying through the night
Traveling hot desert sands
Sending all my love to you
Hold it gently in your hands
^^
Such a dreamy sweet verse full of imagery. Words floating, spanning the vast distance. You mention desert, this really creates a distance for me. Love sent maybe by letter, a letter that can be read again and again and kept close to a persons heart.

Sky would crack just to bless
This love that we hold inside
Heart would travel distances
Undoing tears that we have cried
^^
In the presence of love the sky would crack - wonderful tribute to love, not just any love, perhaps the greatest love of all?
This is clearly a poem about two hearts in love and the anguish felt when distance keeps this love from its physical embrace.

Well done


Michael

Sorrow Glistens in Darkened Eyes (4)
by Amaranthine

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-17

Amarthine,

Sorrow described as another entity, a living, breathing, persecuting demon, whose sole purpose is to infest its disease around, upon and inside its victim.


Sorrow stands still; as my shadow,
but...
When the sun fades away he is gone.
^^
To me you are saying your sadness is powerless until the sunset, and then it becomes…


Then sorrow is all around; covering the moon,
except...
No one can see him in the dark, and sadly even dawn.
^^
..an entity all around. 'Covering the moon' The moon is like a face, so it being covered would shroud its face and its brightness, reducing a person’s character, strength of will..


Sometimes he hides behind my smile,
or...
Just covers it up with his cloak.
^^
..sadness is a male, symbolising strength, but also discrimination towards women, maybe? But sadness as we know is an 'it' because it doesn't discriminate….unless this sadness has been caused by a man?


Eyes blind; I still feel his touch,
and...
It cuts deep into my chest.
^^
Using the words 'cut and chest' together creates incredible images that are intensely powerful and graphically destructive.

Crushing the last piece of my heart,
then...
Sorrow still has me tide to him.
^^
Here you end with Mr Sorrow, the victor. He has succeeded in consuming your strength and so is content.


I love your version of this title. In my mind it is much visually stronger than mine. Your structure and choice of words have created images that hang in the reader’s mind, whilst catching their breath with the suspense you expertly created.

Well done

Michael

The blood countess (Collab with TJ BECKER) (12)
by Goth marionette

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-17

A great piece of work from you both :)


A dark haired beauty of tender years
Is touched by evil and kindles fears
A malignant force runs through her veins
A soulless shell as blood she rains
Fair servant girls she does enslave
Tortured and bleed in ways depraved
^^
This is a great description of this dark demon. She is deceiving and a strong domineering character. Her beauty allures the innocent to their deaths.

I like the way you use the word, 'malignant' to describe her evilness, her very cancerous essence coursing through her.



In her huge castle of broken mirrors,
Where screams are concealed in it's terror,
Her accursed desire stirs everyday.
As drinking blood lets her outstay.
Old skin renewed in the bloody baths.
The innocent saturated by her wrath.
^^
Mirrors cannot reflect the un-dead that lives, so they are broken so they do not reveal her secret.
This clearly defines her as a vampir(ish), type monster. A demon who requires the blood and flesh of others to survive, craves it like a junkie.



Teeth rip and tear as flesh she devours
650 died to engorge youthful powers
Buckets of blood ran across her floor
Like waves lapping against evil's shore
Wickedness built its roots in the air
Forsaken, by her deeds, was the snare,
^^
I don't know this story, but your research has injected the necessary facts. I also love the blood references - like waves lapping.. good image, imagine all that blood?
The last line suggest the hunter becoming the hunted.great suspense.


To be forever the darkness bride,
No matter how hard she had tried
Hate blocked her way to forgiveness
Surrounded by bloody madness
When girls she picked from nobility
Authorities approached with hostility
^^
Turmoil within the twisted mind causes blindness through glasses of hate.
This blood sucking tale is etched with sadness right through to its conclusion.
The question is this: Did she deliberately choose those noble girls, knowing the outcome? Maybe she wanted to end her inner turmoil? Does evil have a conscience?


Well done on a great-collaborated piece.

Michael

Frozen Heart (Revised) (12)
by Cindy

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-16

Cindy, a lovely melancholy poem from you.

Another chilly winters night
Loneliness freezes my heart
Snowflakes falling silently
Like tears when we're apart
^^
The title 'Frozen heart' is quite alluring. I thought at first that it may be a dark write, but there again that is my mind at the moment!
Within the first two lines of this stanza I am made aware of the titles meaning. Loneliness has caused this incredible coldness, a contrast from the heat from excitement etc. I love the silent snowflakes and there amazing similarities to tears. I imagine them both falling, both silently and both from a cold place. Brilliant!


Winter always so beautiful
Icy wonderland to behold
Tucked safely within your arms
Never feeling the bitter cold
^^
Memories brought to the present when looking out onto a picturesque landscape. A memory of loves heat and its safety combating against the bleak coldness.


Gazing out my window
Snow swirling through the air
Feeling chills come over me
Knowing you're not there
^^
This is like you are awakening from your daydream of days gone by; a cruel chill, much like being woken up with a cold flannel.


Needing you keeping me warm
Melting my ice filled veins
Sheltering me from biting winds
Loving away all my pain
^^
A wish for the medicine of love; requiring, needing its healing properties to thaw the ice and the loneliness away. Loving away the pain!! Great line :)


Until that day finally comes
I'll remain frozen here
With memories of our past
Crying these cold lonely tears
^^
A sad ending, but still threaded with hope of happiness in the future. The last line is really powerful. You have used the words crying and tears and to describe them cold and lonely. Such sadness caused by lost love, which then creates broken tears of a heart that is broken or missing its love, wanting it, needing it to return.

A lovely write Cindy,

Michael

A Songbird's Broken Wing (34)
by billy rob

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-16

Billy rob,

This is a beautifully written, a rich passionate poem of a true love. A story that ends sadly but its tale is sweetness nevertheless.

The way you describe this lady as a delicate bird, a nightingale, (arguably the most symbolic bird of love of all, such a fantastic tribute to this lady) she is vulnerable with a broken wing (heart maybe) really paints a whole canvass of imagery. Lovely poetic language!!

You weave this sad love story so well that I fear it may be a true story. If this is the case it makes it all the more powerful and sad.
In this case it is better to have loved and lost, etc..

Well done

Michael

Dying Nation (11)
by Lonely Rider

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-28

A great piece...

Dying Nation
^^
I love this title, it really draws the reader in.


Anguished, frustrated
Cowering Inside,
Trapped in cobweb
Nation's life.
^^
Wonderful imagery. I can imagine being the unfortunate bug in the web. Or a citizen with stiffled voice, unable to flee the trappings of the dictator.


Disentangle, escape
Tightening grip,
Handcuffed by
Society's whip.
^^
The struggle of the bug continues. The fight for freedom is thwarted by the over bearing spider. Using strength to bully and intimidate.


Hypocrats, Scandals
Stymieing progress,
Repressed opinion
Honesty undressed.
^^
Media - a tool of an evil dictator, paid to pollute a nation, give them a false sense of reality.


Bomb-Blast, massacres
Breaking events,
Delighted vultures
Hunger content.
^^
'Delighted vultures' such evilness. The hunger quenched, but for how long? Not long enough, I say!!

Well done. This is a powerfully emotive. I hope it causes people to re-think!!

Michael

The Master Of The Puppets Strings. (8)
by Spoken Silence

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-27

Casey,

I really enjoyed this, so I am now going to re-read it and comment...


Condemned to do what is told,
Forever unable, forever disabled.
The puppet swings,
As the puppet master plays with his strings.
Crying inside for the puppet only has one guide.
^^
I love how you introduce this, condemned is such a weighty word, a word that suggests unfairness from those with power. The next line pleases me also, mainly for the rhyme: unable and disabled. I like rhyme within lines, they always sing to me as I read them :O) The imagery of the puppet swinging and the 'male' puppet master dictating how and when the puppet should move. Again in the last line an internal rhyme!! At this point I am unsure what your puppet metaphor signifies? A great opening stanza.


A master that plays with his emotions,
He cannot fight back nor can he scream.
His only movement is with the puppet masters strings.
The puppet thinks, though no one can hear him he says,
"My emotions mean nothing, they are just bottled together,
In a frame for no one to hear, or no one to see,
These emotions are dead, and the meaning of love is unsaid.
For I am just the puppet, I do what is told, no questions asked."
^^
Very interesting, the master of the strings is not the master of himself, so he chooses to be the master of the puppet who has no voice, no choice, only to obey, resigned to a life of silent hell! This is all about power. The puppet master wrongly compensates for his lack of emotion by using his power, maybe his masculinity over the puppet, who may symbolise the 'female'? But, no, you mention the puppet as a 'he', so this seems to be about the master compensating for his insecurities and the puppet screaming silently!


I am the master, the master of a puppet.
Controlling emotions, deciding movements.
I play with my puppets strings for all to see, and enjoy
My puppet dances, my puppet swings,
Audiences love this character that I perceive,
Though this love is meaningless its still said.
They are in love with a puppet and I hold its strings.
^^
In this last stanza, my interpretation of your puppet and its master is torn. Your mention of the audience, makes be think that you could be referring to an art form. Like an actor who portrays a man of confidence when in all reality he is shy. Or a poet/ writer who paints a picture in words of a world and/or a person who they would rather be and/or live in!!?
I have worked with adults with learning disabilitiues, these adults often have little or no voice. Their choice are often made for them by people who may feel powerful being able to do this.

This is such an interesting poem and one where I am still left thinking.

Well done

Michael

Matters Of The Heart (1)
by Spoken Silence

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-20

A great write.

Though it may seem like a far fetched dream,
Time can heal all who have been caused pain.
Just like a river flowing down stream.
Never falter in the eyes of the suffering slain.
Silence the whispers and the screams.
For once you do you have nothing more to gain.
^ A great opening stanza, giving the reader optimism and hope, encouraging healing.

To tell you the the truth I have felt this before.
Knowing you are powerless and weak.
Feeling every movement down to my rotting core.
Seeing ever one of your plans down to a technique.
I know for a fact that I will never be able to ignore,
Your face, my memories or these words that I speak.
^ A change in mood, tempo even? Bitterness and disapointment is etched in this stanza. I like the imagery in the way you describing movement in your rotting core!!

Forever will I be doomed to linger by you,
With all these memories that I seem to hold dear,
You have my heart, but its way past overdo.
Even though I see you for who you are loud and clear
I wish that once and for all I could say we're threw.
But my heart still longs for you to stay right here.
^ I love the first line, it has a rhyme all of its own, doomed and you!! A clear message in this stanza. Knowing a relationship is through, but being trapped by love, unable to leave for fear of the pain this would cause. I can relate to this so well!!

Confusing are the matters of the heart,
No human or immortal may understand that fact.
I know that time heals all standing together or apart.
Many have felt this before having your heart attacked.
But we must all have a new life and restart,
So take the blow and suck in the impact.
Its sad how most feelings we have we must depart.
^ You have finished so strongly. Someone has to be strong, someone has to take the first step when love goes wrong. My favourite line out of the whole poem is this one, it is absolutely packed full of emotion and dark imagery - But we must all have a new life and restart,
So take the blow and suck in the impact.
^Fantastic, just like swallowing a bomb!!

Well done, the rhyming was wonderful.

Michael

Invaluable Stranger. (3)
by Natalie

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-13

Natalie,

this is another beautifully expressed poem from you. Your words are always so intense that they stir the very core of me. The depth of your work is totally inspiring as is your character. I will now read very carefully through your poem once more..

Unspoken words blur between these lines.
Unnecessary utterances pronounce feelings.
Secretly seductive you entice my curiosity,
I yearn to unfold the layers hiding your soul,
And to be faced by the core of your essence.
^reading betwwen the lines. How true this is in many converstions, there is often more unsaid than said. Only those who truly listen hear those unspoken words. Those silent cues often signify a profound message.


Unknown to this strong mind, you have entered irreversibly,
Your place within has long before been established. Defined.
These softest words you gently utter linger within timelessly,
Enabling the catalyst for these chemically composed feelings.
^Once love has been exchanged, a heart has been commited. I like the way you use defined, singling this word to elevated the word, love, commited and with no easy way out. Trapped, but willingly tethered! Chemically composed feelings - this is such a unique, almost clinical way of describing a love poem. Great!

Unable to demonstrate these affections physically,
Must these lips forever crave the graze of your skin?
Cursed to imagine infinitely the feel of your caress!
Insufferable distance obscures my mind's yearnings.
^This stanza is beautifully written. Sadness is etched within this, as the yearning to be more than images allow. The line - Must these lips.. is pure poetry! You have described this in such vivid clarity. I can imagine the softness of those lips, gently 'grazing' my skin. Wow!! :)

Undying desires replaying determinedly within this mind, no cessation.
Anticipating that ultimately these feelings will translate to physicality,
Allows me to envision my palms traveling the definitions of your body,
Respecting and appreciating every curvature, by God himself bestowed.
^The hope and desire within this is clearly laid out. It lifts you up and takes you to a happy place where dreams can come true. This stanza is almost like a daydream spilt out onto parchment for all eternity.


Unleash these feminine urges,
They were designed for your contentment,
Unfold these treasured thoughts,
And see before your absolute completion.
^Such a powerful ending. I think in this you speak these unspoken words, laying out your hearts message clearly.


I have thoroughly enjoyed this from start to finish. :):):)

Michael xxx

Portrait (3)
by PaulPerrona

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-11

Paul,

I love this work, your use of language, the imagery and the structure.

In the first stanza the excitment is evident in language and tempo. I can imagine the excitable brush swaying this way and that. Any on looker would think that the canvas would be a mess, but no, they are wrong because before the world is a vision of beauty, Venus' perhaps? Through the poem you describe this beauty of yours exquisitely and in full colour.

This is a wonderful poem.

Michael

Outbreak (27)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-10

As requested:

Surrender in silence
was painfully chosen
they were coming
for the second time
in one season
^ I feel you should elaborate this stanza. Describe the dread the looming terror.

Armed by bright eyes
full of desire
to distort any living features..
Provoked by terrifying desperate hunger
A hunger that would only be satiated
when an absolute collapse;
master the whole scene
^This could do with tweaking also. You could use a word such as raging to describe the locusts distort? incinerating the whole scene - just an idea?

Though a threat
was posed before..
this time;
the pressure was unbearable
Sky was groaning;
The infestation exceeded
the human logical abilities

Though a threat
was posed before..
this time;
the pressure was unbearable
Sky was groaning;
The infestation exceeded
the human logical abilities.
^ I like this stanza, it makes sense and the imagery of the heavy sky is good.

The ugly wings
were fueled by grudge and hatred
A grudge that stained the pure land
with the color of death
leaving the horizon for hatred
to spread it atoms upon..
^Again, this is another good stanza with equally good imagery.

Panic immobilized the bodies
and surrender in silence
was painfully chosen
^I like the return of the second line. I am not sure though if the panic and pain is the locusts or other animals?

I like the idea of this poem. I feel it could be alot darker and juicier than it is. Also the grammar should be looked at, not that I am any expert :P

Michael

Portrait (3)
by PaulPerrona

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-05

Paul,

this was recommended to me by my love. She has an eye for talent and I believe that she is not wrong.

I love the rhyme and the flow throughout this piece. The language is wonderully expressive and effectively conveys your emotion for this lucky lady.

Question, were these lines supposed to be the only pair that don't rhyme?

That quietly cascade in rivulets of gold
To splash upon awaiting shoulders.

Just a though, also if you seperated your poem into stanza, it would be pleasing to the eye and make for improved readability?

In my mind, the hand of inspiration
Flies upon the canvas of imagination
And creates with crystal precision there
A vision of Beauty beyond compare.

Softly tumbling tresses spun
From shining strands of summer sun
That quietly cascade in rivulets of gold
To splash upon awaiting shoulders.

Fathomless eyes of liquid blue,
No sea or sky could surpass their hue.
Eyes that have never seen before
One who shall see them forevermore.

And there, the faintest smile is traced
On lips that make my heart to race.
One, a crimson cupid's bow
Crowns the crescent one below.

Flushed and full, they meet as if
Pushed into a gentle kiss.
The graceful curve of a satin cheek
Frames a portrait of Beauty so unique,

The highest place She will always hold
Within the gallery of my soul.
Laura Prepon is She,
The greatest Beauty this world shall see.

As I said above, just an idea? This poem is really good as it is, so the choice is yours.

Well done 5/5

Michael

Crying Shame {Triquatrain} (23)
by BREEawNUHH

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-02

Briana, this is a great piece. Allow me to read it properly now..

Lost, alone, broken and unsewn
^ What a great opening line. It describes inflicted pain and a rawness that hasn't healed.

Dead inside, to her he lied.
And she won't be okay.
^ His lies, broken promise have scored an unhealing scar, which is permanent, unrecoverable?

Her eyes tear, she's with fear.
She can't go on this way.
^I like the rhyme and its meaning too. Fearing the painful emotional journey ahead. So, much dread that suicide seems the less painful option, the easy way, even?

Nothing left anymore, he's out the door.
What is she to do?
^With his leaving, he has taken all hope of happiness, leaving a hopeless feeling of dispair.

Aching heart, now they're apart.
And she's left herself too.
^Reiterating the fact that a heart is torn with his absense. She is unable to function, even on a basic level.

Now she's gone, she was just a pawn.
In his stupid little game.
^ This last stanza suggests healing, anger and resentment for his act of unkindness. She is beginning to move on.

She's not missed, no one is pissed.
What a crying shame.
^Even though she is coming to terms with her loss, she realises, or suspects that their loss is not felt in the same way. A wonderful cold end to a powerful poem.

This is a technical poem, executed superbly well. Great imagery throughout which portrays the emotional content so vividly.

Well done

Michael





Taken away, her love is today.
She's left laying on the front lawn.
^Great image of love being a material thing, then discarded, like rubbish on the lawn, ready now for the dustbin men.



Her heart has been stomped on
^ So graphic. I imagine a vengeful shoe stamping on this hallowed organ.

Beloved He, Biased She (14)
by Lonely Rider

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-02

Great title - Beloved he, biased she.

"A Fault of past life!
A curse in our home!"
She quietly listen to
Foul screamed by her mom
^ This suggest 'arranged marriage' being brought up in a society, specifically a home where the female is still second class.

He is the family heir
The apple of their eye
Showered with excess Love
Miserably, she watches by
^An understandable jealousy rising here. Also, a sense of powerlessness.

Spends morning in school
He plays with dad at night
Swabing scrubbing her homework
She cries in flickering light
^Such loneliness portrayed here. The flickering light suggesting abandonment, or at least the feeling of it. Flickering, weak feelings, if you like? Envy too at a sibling, a male sibling getting the love you crave so much.

He will become a Doctor
or an Engineer someday
She will be married to
a trader with no delay
^His future is free to become a king if he wishes. In contrast your future mapped out by others. Your future choices are stolen. A sense of time running out!!

She echoes the story
Of million deprived girls
Buried by the biasing
Before their future unfurls.
^This last stanza summarises the arranged marriage debate. Women/ girls raped of their potential achievements.

A great write about a issue which still effects so many across the world. I feel that civilised society should not condone such draconian acts.

Well done

Michael

UNTITLED (5)
by Valedico

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-01

This is not only a pleasure to see, as in the similar rhyme, but an equal pleasure to read. Its' contents is profound and should wake us all up to our potential that is stifled by our own shallowness and greed.

Well done

Michael

p.s Did you read Eric's advice?

Dropped from the skies (3)
by Noor says promises are meant to last

commented by Mr Darcy I Delete I ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-27

Soft white feature
dropped from the skies
I looked up at the skies
but I saw nothing
-what could it be?
^ Did you mean feather? I can imagine if a feather had been dropped from above, it would indeed be easily missed. Nice alluring question at the end too!

I walked in the summer fields
with a summer hat on my head
I felt a light touch on my shoulder
-was it a breeze of summer wind?
^I like the image you begin with. You may want to change one of the 'summers' as this is distracting. Maybe, 'I walked amongst the poppy field' something like that. A description of the field you are walking through. A question again. I like that! Again, you may want to use another word instead of two similar words. Such as ' Was it the quill or the summer's breeze?'

I was swimming in the lake
skies reflection was on the surface
I saw a beautiful light dancing on it
I felt something very warm touch my heart
^This is refreshing. Lovely imagery here, I can really see your thought process.

Are you still there
my little baby cupido
reminding me to loving him
when he is not here around
^This made me laugh out loud. 'my little baby cupido' I don't know what a cupido is, but it sure does sound cute. I smiled!! I am sure you meant to say 'reminds me to love him, even when he's not around'?

Well done Noor. Another wonderful write from you!

Michael

Intersection Insanity. (3)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-24

Right now I don't know what to say, or do I?

Should I compliment you on structure first, or the emotion contained throughout? First or second, second or first? My mind is muddled and knows not what to do for the best? LOL

The poem raises questions throughout and thankfully concludes at the end. There is a nice tension to this piece. giving the reader a real sence of your train of thought and consequencely a dramatic flavour.

I would personally re-title this piece, as it is too obvious, well that is my thought! Maybe Crossroads, or Intersection insanity, Crossroad conundrum? just an idea?

A good write. 5/5

Michael

Slow motion dream (5)
by Natalie

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-12

Natalie,

Your talent is literally breathtaking!

Running in a dream and its like slow motion,
^This is a great start to set the poems scene.

Walking in real life, no real destination,
^Snatched out of the unreal dream into the real world, a world of indecision! Great line!

Dreams expressing my neglected inner desires,
^A wonderful description of the subconscious mind :o)

As hope, love and creation gently expires.
^Fulfillment and satisfaction in life can be so fragile. (Gently expires) great expression of fragile happiness!

Childrens eyes tearing monumentally,
^The worlds most innocent cry the most! Again, wonderful description (tearing monumentally)

Mankind's blunder quintessentially,
^The world should know better, but mankind is ignorant, hiding within their fortresses away from the real world!

Depicting reality diving into its gradual demise,
^I see this line as a person stepping away from the rot to see the true extent of the damage.

Ignorant people rejecting my purest advice.
^Again those who can help often bury their heads away from responsibilities!

I am running like crazy in my perfect dream,
^I imagine you dreaming a perfect world, a world free of war and poverty, a world where everyone is given the same rights and opportunities no matter what colour their skin, or nationality they are!

Fleeing the hatred, greed and my inner scream,
^Reality is dark and we live amongst the inner dead!

But my dream's speed is only slow motion,
^I love this line - The world is in such an awful state that it even permeates a perfect dream, slowing it down, preventing the world from being absolved of its sins!

I cannot run, it is only my childish notion.
^A sad realization of your perfect dream, being just that a dream!

There is nowhere to go to, everywhere is polluted,
^Sinking despair of the dark world we live. We are like fish, polluting the bowl in which we swim!

Innocent feelings, because of sin, softly diluted.
^The reality is that our home has too much wrong going on. Our haven has a raven!!

One day the world will take notice of your inspiring words! I certainly hope so baby!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hate To Call You My Father (9)
by Dark Angel

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-11

A lot of pain in this piece..

Don't you feel guilty?
You ruined us all,
always hurting my mama,
and enjoying her fall.
^A sadistic bully who has inflicted his insecurities on those who can't fight back.

You piece of bullsh*t,
I hate you more each day,
cuz you break us all and make us fall,
all you do is betray.
^The child victim has found a voice, found the words to damn the hollow love from a shell of a so called father.

Aren't you ashamed of what you did?
I won't ever forgive you,
you did it all on purpose,
cuz i know that you knew.
^Interrogate the repeat abuser. Let him know that you will no longer tolerate his hate.

youve lost it all now,
youre a big loser,
you don't deserve us,
cuz you're worse than a drug user.
^Wash your hands of his sin. Leave his mind to fester in the knowledge of the pain he caused. Worse than a drug user! Brilliant statement, at least there is a chance for the drug addict!!

I hate to call you my father
and i don't have to explain this,
i can just ignore your presence,
i wish you didn't exist.
^An admission of obligatory ritual, one that you could eradicate!

A powerful message to claw back the anger shown by a figure who should have known better!

Well done

Michael

Unprotected and Unaware (16)
by Spoken Silence

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-09

As requested, I will comment on your piece of write.

"Not again." She said to herself.
^Straight away you plunge the reader into the heart of the tale. On edge and in fear!

She knew this feeling, she felt it once before.
^The focal, a lone female, fragile and vulnerable, as the reader, I want to know more and so I read on..

She never wanted things to go this far.
^A suggestion of guilt maybe, did she, could she have prevented this?

She knew that it was wrong.
^Why, I ask myself, if she knew it was wrong, why do it? Well, we all do things we know we should not; we can’t help ourselves, its human nature!

She tried to run, she tried to hide.
^The tempo increases. She has to flee and I have to read on!!

But she could never escape.
^No! Why, she has to be able to! Run, run away, before you are caught, but by what?

Unprotected and unaware she went to sleep.
^Confused, she has escaped, but how and from who? She is alone, she thinks she is safe, but she is not, always fragile and always vulnerable to? I, the reader am kept guessing! Is this her lover, or a family member? I have to read on, I must read on!!

Once she woke up, she searched for a safe place.
^Awake now our lady; our fearful lady does what instinct tells her – find safety! I want her to find safety too; I want her to defeat and be triumphant!… Go girl!!

"Self-preservation is in order." She said.
^Eat or be eaten! It is only natural to want to survive. This really draws an attachment to this damsel!


Running away from her past,
^Why is she running and what from? More questions lead to greater intrigue!!

Hiding from the present.
^A statement that I can understand! Who would want to remain in a present that filled a person with fear!…. Get out of there!!

Scared of the future,
^A future of terror?

Unprotected and unaware she went to sleep.
^Confused again! Have we leapt a day, or maybe a lot more? Maybe this is a serial abusive relationship, one where she is emotionally trapped. Trapped by love and fear!

She woke up again, and she found something.
^This is so gripping and these unanswered questions keep the reader wanting more, albeit through gaps in fingers!

A very faint silhouette in the distance.
^Through these fingers there is an image. Is it familiar? Is it going to harm our damsel? The pending drama is unfolding..

She went toward it, still frightened but sure.
^No, I scream, do not walk that way; you will be hurt for sure!

A man standing in eyes range.
^At last our aggressor makes an entrance and right before his knowing victim.

She felt safe, and she felt protected next to this man.
^Writing ‘felt’ as apposed to ‘feel’ makes it clear that at their relationship’s beginning, they were happy. He was that protection she always wanted, no needed!

He said he would protect her,
^She believed him too, such a strong capable character. She knew she was fragile, she was attracted to his strength, he was her protector and she loved him!

He said she would be safe.
^Men like this, like her father were destined to be the eternal knight in shining armour! She was a princess, begging to be saved from her tower. It was her destiny too, to live happily ever after with her prince.

And she believed him.
^She loved him with ever fragment of her heart and that is what trapped her to the beast!

Protected and aware she lay to rest,
^One battle too far, our beautiful princess lays motionless, almost serenely!

Never to be harmed again.
^This is so sad, our damsel had taken on too many one sided fights. As I read, I am feeling a loss for her, a yearning for this not to be the end, surely this can not be the end!?

She closed her eyes
^I imagine her last thoughts are of lost love! I now, just want her to keep her eyes closed, for I know that if she lives, she will carry on this battle of love!

And they were never to be opened again.
^This has been an exhausting journey for the damsel and the reader. So many questions left the reader wanting more and so they read on, and I did!

My conclusion is that this write is about a couple who, ironically needed one another. So much that it lead to their destruction. I believe the aggressor would not have been able to live without his princess either, he would have been tormented and this would lead to his extinction!

A thoroughly good write, which possessed ample suspension and imagery to entertain any reader on this site, or any others out there!

Well done is an understatement, but it is written now! Lol

Michael

A Poet's Lover (7)
by Natalie

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-14

Natalie, I am literally blown away with this poem...

I am in love with a poet.
His mind so intricate, indefinable.
Unique is an understatement.
I am a prisoner of his words.
^^

Introducing the poems message with a compliment to the poets thought process. To be held captive by words is such a beautifully powerful concept.

Enslaved by every syllable,
I wish to petrify these inscriptions,
More valuable than diamonds, rubies.
There is no escape for my heart.
^^

Breaking down each word into syllables to truely express how poerful these words are - amazing.
I can almost imagine you reading the poets work slowly so as not to overwhelm your senses!
Creating an everlasting monument to poetic art - words in stone, a throne of stone!!

The value of words? How can one place a value on such intense words? Words such as these can make you fly, or alternatively make you die. There is no monetry value that can match this!

Entrapment, quite possilbly??

He lyrically caresses my soul,
Thus creating entirety in me.
For his eyes only, I will...
Remove this facade.
^^

Shedding all barriers and thus exposing your soul to his poetic will. A wonderful Stanza!!

Observe me, my beloved artist,
For I am naked, standing before you.
With you, I cannot hide my fears,
You know me poet. You feel me.
^^

Creating an unstanding of being understood inside and out! A wonderfully submissive notion.

Painting expressions and pains,
You have invaded me.
Deciphered my mind completely,
I now belong to you.
^^

You have decribed vividly being penitrated with a mind of words. I can almost see the words unraveling your encrypted barriers and embracing your being.

You overpower my senses,
Enchant my very essence,
Chanting your verbal voodoo,
Who am I to resist?
^^

Sucumbing to a mysterious black magic. One that you are no longer strong enough to resist! I can feel the powerful soul control. Addictive as narcotcs.


His mind illustrates worlds unknown,
Sensations not even dreamt of,
Passions, inconceivable by lay men!
He is my poet, I am his victim.
^^

You have dramatically elevated this poet, promoted to a kind of demi-god!!

Words, the poets power to harness any and all who trust in him. The poets words pierce the heart that still warmly pumps. Should his words be removed, the blood would escape. (R.I.P)
A discription of a victim, well and truely shackled by poetic words!!


I have peeked into a poet's mind,
The inexplicable fusion of dark and pure,
But I am only the poet's lover,
Shadowing his divine brilliance, loving it.
^^

To decipher a brilliant mind, to understand its darkest recesses is the opitome of intamacy!

I loved this write. It created such a intense imagry of the mysterious poets mind. You know the poet better than he knows himself!!

Michael x x x

To Fear a Scale (2)
by Beautiful Chaos

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-04-11

This a wonderfully inspirational poem. I am sure all those lives that revolve around the position on a set of scales.

What difference does it make if we are curvy or not. Surely what we look like and feel ilke within ourselves is more important!

I love the way this read off the screen. My favourite stanza is the final message, delivered loud and clear:
Trust yourself and love yourself,
Grow and do your best,
Perfection's unattainable,
Let happy be your quest.

Well done on this. I real appreciate inspirational pieces like this. 5/5

Michael

Addiction (5)
by Natalie

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-29

I am...
Enraptured by the simplicity of your smile,
Enchanted by the darkness in your eyes,
Wrapped up in the ideology which your face presents.

^^ I am completely bowled over with this poem. It's not dark, instead it's your secret desire and a powerful desire at that! Love at first sight!

You are my addiction, my drug,
I feel the power of your breathe,
Its flows as one with my blood,
Passing through my every vein,
Penetrating my every organ.

^^Describing an addiction as the blood that gives you life is breath-taking. *swoon*

Addicted,
Drenched in your essence,
Submerged in any affection you present,
Captivated by just the fantasy of you.
You tell me, youâ??re different with me.
That you treat me distinctly.

^^Such is the addiction that even the smallest quote is scruitinized, in the hope that the addiction is mutual. *fingers crossed*

Well I, by you...
Feel sheer sweetness,
I smile as if frowns were no longer existent
As if tears were a form of utter stupidity.
Intensity, magnified with every word escaping your lips.

^^Wow, there is no hope for such a crush. Go get him girl!! The last line is mind blowing *gun to head - bang!*

I realize I barely know you,
But that which I know, suffices,
Suffices to create insufferable addiction.
Like that of a heroine addict,
Craving from the deepest corner of my soul,
Desiring the lines on your palms to be caressing my body,
Yearning for your tongue to touch mine,
Aching to experience you within me.
Will the intensity of my addiction overwhelm you?

^^ *drooling* I want to feel your tongue too! This is so provocative that I can no longer sit comfortably *fidget*

Perhaps, but should I decry it?
How does the drug addict demean his addiction?
Has he the control, the power to do so?
Or does he, like I, fall victim of an intoxicating, deadly drug?

^^Love - a deadly drug? I guess it is. It feels like the worst stomach ache ever, following the ingestion of a fatal poison.

Good work. I love your non-dark poetry, very more(ish)
5/5

Michael

Ellie (4)
by True Love Never Dies

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-29

You have a special gift to be able to still see through a childs eyes. I loved this poem. I could feel the adoration spill out as I read each line. The poem picked up momentum with each passing stanza. My favs were the last two. In these you get right into her mind. Great stuff.
Into your land of dreams you go
Each one a brand new star
Teddy bears and dancing clowns
All driving in their cars

With slides and swings and roundabouts
To a land far away you sail
On clouds of soft white cotton wool
Don't you fall off! Hang on to the rail



Into your land of dreams you go
Each one a brand new star
Teddy bears and dancing clowns
All driving in their cars

With slides and swings and roundabouts
To a land far away you sail
On clouds of soft white cotton wool
Don't you fall off! Hang on to the rail

^^And the last line. The metaphor for childhood, genius!!! 5/5

Michael

Beautiful Lady (12)
by Sarah

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-28

The gates of heaven open
I see a beautiful lady walking
I sit here watching her from my bedroom window
I hear the birds talking

^^Reading the first stanza led me to believe this was a transition from life to death. A kind of out of body experience.

Why am I singing this very loving song?
Your scenic hair blowing away my fears
I gaze at your face, and you shed a tear
I will take you to a place filled with secrets.

^^My thought are reafirmed with what I belived to be an angel, coming to escort safe passage to Heaven.

I wish to kiss those enchanted lips
I crave to hold those two miraculous hands
And whisper to your ear
Touch your soft beautiful face and
Tell you why today we are in this place,

^^This stanza confused my initial thought. Why would you be kissing an angel?? And what is with the miraculous hands??

I will take away all the pain and sorrow and,
We shall meet again tomorrow

I wake up from this daydream . . .

^^ahh, I see! (I think?) Dreaming of a passed loved one. The kind of dream you never want to end.

The beautiful lady behind me kisses my cheek and,
Ask me out to go get Neapolitan ice cream.

^^ A confusing, but quirky end to a wonderful dream.
Well done.

Michael

I did this to myself. (3)
by Natalie

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-27

Natalie, unlike some of your other pieces of work, I believe this originates closer to home?

You didn't raise this hell within me,
I did that myself,
By letting my dreams flee,
I renounced my soul.

^^ an exceptance of guilt to spare, or draw the blame away from someone else?

How do you let go of an addiction,
End that passion,
And hold on to life with real conviction?
I'm not who I used to be.

^^ Good questions to raise. To love somebody truely you have to give yourself to one another, thus becoming one and losing a little of yourself. (it's all about equal balnce)

Childish aspirations I hung on to,
Of hopes and ideologies,
Never realizing they'd never be true.
I did that to myself.

^^This is where many of us (myself inc') project what we wish for in a person onto the person you meet. It is, as I have found too much for anyone to live up to. A sad, but true fact!

I thought you were someone I knew,
Someone I could love,
Gave you my heart through and through.
Never imagined I did that alone.

^^We all love in different ways. So why do we project our ideals onto that 'someone special', expecting them to already know how we need to be loved?

Now time moves me on,
To territory I know not.
I can only hope, some how, I have grown.
I did this to myself.

^^ I love this stanza, moving on, lessons learnt - new love to be found.

I hope someday I'll rejoice in a love that's real,
A love that is unconditional,
A man who, my essence, will never, ever steal.
I shall, someday, do that to myself.

^^ Unconditional love is on the horizon for us all. It's acheived when two souls merge their hearts, minds and caress each other's passions. When love flows freely, it grows easily.

Thank you for making me think.
Michael 5/5 (nice rhyme too!)

The Darkest Harmony. (3)
by Natalie

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-27

"Hold on to your dreams" she said,
"There is always hope for love"
I waited and waited, believing the fed lies.
Feeling my skin gently fade.

^^ Starting with the most popular line of advice, given to a broken heart. This kind of lets the reader, me, know that you don't want, or need such advice. It is a lie and one you have heard so many times before. Basically, shut up and read my scorn! *Fab!*

Men I met, all victims of circumstance,
Of oppression and dying mothers.
Of an unjust system and cheating wives,
Victims of their own crimes.

^^A clear message to men and their excuses. They don't and won't wash with me and anyway you deserve your pain. I certainly don't deserve to wallow in your self pitty! *go girl!*

"I love you," so many times heard,
Spat at me with disgust.
Only words tailored for a wanting ear,
I always recognized a hidden lie.

^^Hash, but I can see your view on this. I like the way 'I love you' is delivered in a globule of saliva. Disgusting image! *well done!*

Pity these dying ideologies,
Truly malevolence masqueraded.
Hope expired tonight at last,
Unveiling reality as its true demise.

^^I really feel the hope for mankind seeped away with this stanza. Dying, malevolence and demise. Reading these words literally sucks the love from me. *Please stop, you're killing me!*

Alas! Light shines blindingly in this hole,
Without hope, love or desire I will endure reality.
My love left unrequited, unreciprocated.
Reaching the darkest harmony within my essence.

^^Too late! This last onslaught twisted the knife to sever the final blood giving artery.*Dead*
This is an extremley dark and powerfully disparing piece. Although it is exaggerated, it is exactly how we feel when love ends.

Michael 5/5
P.S Mr Darcy needs love too!

Rage (5)
by Natalie

commented by Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-03-23

Have you ever met rage?
If not, please step into my soul,

Introducing an emotion is a clever and captivating. It is almost like this particular emotion is alive and has its own mind. And dare I say spirit? A split personality? Rather like David Banner and his mirrored alter ego! As long as 'she' keeps calm 'she' won't turn green! An intriguing opening! And you continue..

She hides her face with her long, straight, black hair,
With only her lips and pale, dead, white skin visible.

This is clearly a poem about suppressed 'rage'. It is about how the memories of a traumatic event, such as rape and the pent up frustrations. This is about the continued feelings of pain, guilt, shame and terror re-lived over many years.
Time does not heal, the mind has to except the event for what it was and move on with renewed strength. Well, if you are lucky!

As with many traumatic events the frustrated ‘rage’ has to surface sooner or later. Much like a boiling pot spilling over! So, onto this section –

I once saw her eyes, black and burning, charcoaling.
I saw in them an insatiable craving for blood,
To revenge my murdered childhood through the tearing of flesh.
But she is not my friend; she is my demise, her, who I aim to suppress,

Self-harming, is an obvious symptom of suppressed rage and one that can be hidden away, or can be a cry for help. You continue to describe the tormented battle of trying to lock the ‘rage’ away. This next section, especially the first line, is a wonderful way to describe the pain and self loathing.

She bites off her skin and vomits her hate in me.

This final section hits home a powerful message, a surprise too!. The victim has not been able to avenge the rapist, so now turns all the rage into another emotion – hate. Not hate directly for the rapist but for them self and then finally revenge onto the world as a serial killer. The ‘rage’ has come around full circle. Rage kills again!!

I see myself, the loveless child who will, deservingly, die alone.
I am the serial killer, the rapist,
And I resolve my rage only with the world that gave it to me.

Writing about an awful act such as rape is a challenge in itself, but to explore the 'ripple effect' that occurs long after the physical trauma is gone, is quite another.
Thank you for pointing me in your direction. A great piece of writing. 5/5

Michael

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