Praised comments by Courageous Dreamer

Naked (10)
by Lady Nik

commented by Courageous Dreamer ( F P C D ) at 2009-10-31

'autumn covered leaves.'
`I dont think 'covered' is needed.. I dont see your purpose for using it. How can leaves be covered in autumn? Thats the way it is written here, but if you were to say autumn leaves without covered, the adjective autumn would be used more effectively and would make more sense...just my thoughts.

'like the water feels the breeze.'
`You used 'felt' above so maybe try something like 'caresses the breeze' - although thats cliche, thats better in my opinion - again, just suggesting.

'Now that years have
bent to the ways of time'
`I really liked the usage of bent here, it was truly original and interesting.

I think we've all been in this state before. Rather lonely and useless...yet in time we will break from this loneliness...we just have to be patient.

Broken Hearts & Lullabies (2)
by LifesALovePoem

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-09-29

"so
tears keep falling to release the pain you've put on me."
^I never knew myself how big of a impact the word 'so' makes in poetry. It isnt something you want to use. It is not poetic and isnt something you should use. Just a heads up from what Ive been told from other poets on this site. So maybe just eliminate it & try to transition your thoughts with a better word or maybe just put a semi colon or something to separate them. Its up to you.

"are twisted by fear,"
`Maybe try 'twisted WITH fear"?? Something to consider possibly.

I really really loved this write. You did such an amazing job. Despite what has happened, you definatly do not lose a speck of hope but continue with life the way it should be. You should never stop dreaming - if you are a dreamer, you should never give up hope - if you are an optimist, ect. ect. You got the message across really well here, that you will not give up and you will live on despite complicated ways.
Well done Krista - thank you for letting me know you wrote this ; took some time to read it quick & glad I did. Keep it up hun.

Lullaby of Lovers (7)
by The Bird and the Worm

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-28

'Sing me the melody of love
Let it spread and proclaim
Shatter the wall of hardship
And free the dancing flame.'
`Heres a suggestion so you can eliminate a unnecessary word 'and' -- remove the and before free on the last line and put either a dash or a semi colon [;] after hardship. It will flow okay without it. (: I loved this first stanza though a great opening. I dont think the first line was that original but it works with what you want to say.

'Sing me the words of wisdom
Let me learn about the past
Of all the threatening dangers
And our souls will never contrast.'
`Same thing here, I think you can do without 'and' -- take it out & put a semi colon or dash after contrast.

'Dive into the fervid currents
Listen as they chant in chorus
Of a destiny that breathes
In the heart of the forests.'
`I know that currents is most likely used as a metaphor here, very interesting to describe them as fervid. Really loved the last three lines of this stanza, they seemed original and beautifully done.

'Dive into another realm
Listen as the ballad blooms
Of a daring prince who
Her lips he would consume.'
`It sounded really good til the last line. Your word consume threw me off. Someone consuming someones lips, sounds a bit creepy and disturbing lol. Get what I mean? That word is just a bit too strong for what youre trying to say.

Just a thought -- adding some puncuation. You have a great flow going with your rhyme, awesome rhythm but it doesnt hurt a poem to have puncuation. It could strengthen it. (:

What a beautiful write this was. I think you did a great job, it was rather simple but also--I loved the pattern, each two stanzas started the same. I havent seen that idea used before. You did great. Loved the read, thank you for posting!

Desperation [Vertwijfeling] (13)
by Ingrid de K

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-20

I was wondering what exactly Vertwijfeling was... but now I know it must mean Desperation in Dutch; learn something new every day (:

A great write, I cant believe this was written at such a young age, because truly it is well written. Indeed 'money is all that matters' for some today, I'm glad you posted this because that part is completely relevant in today's world.

Great work.

Paint Me Beautiful (16)
by Luanne

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-10

I loved this write! What a unique way of putting together a poem, each stanza created by a different image! I love it!

'From the eye, color streaks
as imagination paints -
bronze toned beaches
beneath an ivory sky
as silver ripples whisper
Sabah al kheer !'
`Your imagery is breathtaking here, I don't even think I need to look at the picture youve created it for me here with your great descriptions and colors. Loved the line that ended this stanza; I'm guess its something they say in Egypt.. maybe good morning or something having to do with the sunrise :]

'Mesmerizing and tranquil
marble waters shimmer.
Orchid and red-violet
stream through the billows
to greet with a warm
Bonjour !'
`So beautiful how in different countries the sunrise always look different. This one different than the one in Egypt.. your words are absolutely gorgeous, I can imagine this sunrise just as well as the first one :]

'A dash of cerulean
pinch of carnelian
placed neatly in a bed of white.
Kneaded gently by the hands
that howl,
Good morning !'
`I dont know what colors cerulean or carnelian are but I bet they beautiful. Another great stanza full of imagery. I can see big white puffy clouds of white and the sun rising from behind them.

'Reflection -
and the magical kiss of
pink frost and icy shorelines.
Crisp mountain air speaks
breathe -inhale, exhale-
Rise and shine !'
`Indeed this sounds like Canada! Awesome job with your descriptions here.

'Eye colors may differ,
yet all see the same!
Color of skin,
nationality,
personality
all different.'
`You speak nothing but the truth here. Your words are so powerful with wisdom. We're all the same no matter what your nationality, personality is. They may be different, yet we are all the same.

'- Yet -
we all wake
beneath the same rising sun ...
Good morning World !
Sabah al kheer, Bonjour, Good morning, Rise and shine
Friends ...'
`A beautiful ending and a warm dedication to friends you have across the world.

I would have never came up with something like you have, so clever and one of my favorite poems Ive read from you. I adored it. Very original :]






'

Beneath Those Pearl Eyes (13)
by Luanne

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-09

'Many times -
I wondered how many memories lay beneath the lines and creases
that shaped her face into the most beautiful puzzle.'
`This is such a powerful opening; something about it was amazing. I see youre talking about an older lady here, who has passed away [hence the past tense] Very unique lines here. Using the creases and lines in her face as a metaphor for the memories.

'she so zestfully described
and sometimes wondered -
(if perhaps her imagination played tricks on her mind)'
`Zestfully described - I was blwon away from this; the word choice is impressive. I have a feeling you are talking about someone you know in this right; it seems so personal. 'Imagination played tricks on her mind' - Another original line; I don't know what to say.

'The old antique china cabinet'
`I have a china hutch in my house; I think 'china hutch' is a more proper phrasing isnt it? I could be wrong but reading that cabinet seemed a bit off to me.

'Her pearl colored eyes dull yet - held such happiness'
`This is so beautiful and almost sad at the same time. 'Dull' brings the sadness yet 'held such happiness' brings a smile to my face. Pearl colored eyes was amazing; very vivid description. Awesome imagery.

'For I know now, she knew
exactly what I looked like
all along.

For there was I and he and
a twinkle ...'
`The last stanza was a little awkwardly worded. He didnt sound right?

A very great write. Definatly very deserving to win for the club-to-club challenge ; congrats!
To be honest after you mentioned the china cabinet I got a little lost but this was a phenomonal write. :] Well done!!

Memories Last Forever [Acrostic] (5)
by Mezmeryz

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-03

Your title is a bit long, but the absolute truth, memories always remain with us. Its our way of remembering.

'Now I've learnt about myself, whilst you haven't been here --'
`Learnt should probably be learned, I did like the usage of 'whilst' not many poets use that on this site.

'It was him, showering me with his love.'
`I liked showering me with his love, such beautiful words.

'Really blessed to know you; I'm going to leave you never,'
`I think it'd sound better as.. "I'll never leave you.'

'Life brings tears, smiles and memories... tears dry, smile fade, but memories last forever'
`I'm almost certain this is a quote I've heard of before, and its not your original work [that is if I'm correct] so this kind of threw me off a bit.

An alright poem, I think it was a quick rush of feelnig put onto paper that could have had a more smooth flow to it, but a sweet poem to someone that means a lot to you and showed you the meaning of friendship.

Charles (6)
by AJ xXx RTVW xXx

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-03

'There is no paper,
with keys and bars.
But still;
sound fills the room.'
`I liked how you didnt just come out and say that the sheet didnt have music on it, rather you let the reader infer that. Puncuation is beautiful, the pauses are nicely inserted.

'Notes swirl about his head,
while he tickles the ivories.
Vibrations of the song emanating from his instrument,
make their way the ears of his listeners.'
`The loooong length of the third line turned me off, I believe it would be better if you broke that line into two lines, it fits a bit nice with the format and wouldnt be soooo long compared to the other lines youve written.
`Youre missing a word after 'way' you should insert 'to' without it.. it makes the reader stop and the flow is interupted slightly.

'The band that surrounds him
plays to the melodic tune,
full of soul,
praise,
and love.'
`A beautiful description, I feel as though I can hear this music myself.

'As it began, the song ends-
there is applause,
not a person in their seat.
He stands,
takes a bow
-walks off stage.'
`This was interesting. I'm guessing youre referring to the fact that he got a standing ovation by saying that nobody was in their seat.

'You do not need to see to become great,
just believe.
Ray Charles did.'
`I really thought this was a strong ending and well written.

A great write, I think the ending held the best lines of the poem, and the most enjoyable.

Waiting. (3)
by Esther

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-01

'She pictures her death,
her bitter sweet death.'
`Her and death are both repeated.. didnt work for me. I would maybe reword this as-
'She pictures her death--
bittersweet.'

'She still has things to do,'
`Things...really? Like what exactly? Things is too vague here, and you can expand sooo much on what these 'things' are that need to be accomplished.

'The more she pictures her death,
the sweeter it seems.'
`This is repetitive; as you've already mentioned this in your first two lines.

This wasnt a full poem in my opinion, so much emotion and feeling could be added to this to make it bigger and better. It's a start, but its nothing close to a final draft.

Hate me....I do (3)
by Lady Nik

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-01

'I'm sick of this laid back act'
`Laid-back should have a hyphen.

'we both know things
will never be the same.'
`'Things' is too vague here, it could mean many things. Although it's easy to infer here that you mean your feelings will never be the same. I still think you could change things though, because its too vague.

'You try to blend black
with white, but you're
shocked when you get gray.'
`This was interesting makes me wonder why this line was put in here.

'I'm sorry but I can't
change the colors, I can't
be a different way.'
`Well done with this, it expresses inner feelings. You should never change yourself for someone to make everything better, and I'm glad you realize that.

'I will always be this
in need of a hero girl
every painful day.'
`A comma or dash would work nice after 'girl' in my opinion.

'We can play with this
fire and hope we don't
get a burn.'
`Maybe say 'we don't get burned' or something - that may sound better. 'Get a burn' seems a little awkwardish.

'I tried to forget, the way
your lips tickle my neck
but my body still yearns.'
`Your body still yearns... what?

'You keep hurting me
expecting me to come back,
why don't you ever learn?'
`Loved the question.

'I'm out of suggestions
for this relationship
and how to make it through.'
`Such sad lines, but its a fact of life. Sometimes relationships just near their end & theres no way to resolve anything, no suggestions to repair it.

'I just want you to say one thing...
say you hate me..
because I do.'
`Aww. This was really heartbreaking. Noone should ever hate themselves.

What a sad write, full of emotion. Just the suggestions I mentioned, otherwise a good write. =J

Venomous Changes (1)
by xToBeWithYoux

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-01

'Your words,
venom dripping from your tongue,'
`I have heard this before, the idea of words being like venom, so its not the most creative line in my mind but it works to get your point across.

'burn my mind,
as it scrambles for the reason
or rhyme to all this hysteria.'
`I liked the word burn here, but then I didnt. I liked it because it was something different, it was better than using something like poisons or something like that; yet.. the thing I didnt like about it was I couldnt really see this--venom burning someone's mind..maybe I just feel that way cause its original and unheard of. Loved the usage of 'scrambles' though -- kudos on that one.

'Comprehension fails me,
as your soulless eyes
bore into mine,
drilling to caressed thoughts
pouring through my heart.'
`This was pretty unique & well done for the mot part

'The gentleman standing before me
has withered into a shadow.
Such cursives you use
defy everything you were blessed with.
Your mother would be crying, now.'
`Its sad when someone you know has possibly faded away from your life or they have changed. I really loved the idea of them turning into a shadow, this could mean many things -like I siad they have faded easy from your life, they have changed, they don't mean as much; ect

'And as my mind scrambles,
the jigsaw pieces unfreeze in your heart.
Reality dawns on a shattered horizon.
You have changed, my dear,
and I don't like what you have become.'
`I didnt like how you used mind and scrambles again - I thiiink you can do better than that - otherwise LOVED the ending.. this person has changed and you dont like it, great expression of feelings.

I think you did well with this. =J

Victim Of Love (3)
by Lady Nik

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-28

'I wouldn't even let you be
the thick piece of gum
on the bottom of my converses.'
`I had to stop and re-read this cause it was so original and something Ive never heard in my life. I love the meaning behind these lines though, telling someone to not think so highly of themselves and then comparing it to something else. A original metaphor.. well done.

'Never again will I be
a prey of your sword.
A victim of your love.'
`Loved the ending very strong..powerful!

I could see a lot of mixed emotions in this piece, mostly anger and frustration; but also guilt for falling for them and being 'a victim of their love' as well as hurt because of what this nasty person did to you.

I loved the part where you said you thought love was supposed to be between two people, and not three... and how you didnt get the memo, a very sarcastic comment but loved it cause sadly it happens sometimes.. it was unique the way you said it.

A great write, I think I gave you this challenge a while back; the spider web thing was a bit familiar to me. I thought you did great with this.

Hmm a title; I am really terrible @ them, so unfortunetly I'm not sure if I can help you on that part. Love's Spider Web? - love is kind of like a spider web, we get spun up in it.. Victim of Love? - although @ the end you say you wont be a victim any longer, yet your whole poem was being a victim of this love. I told you I'm terrible at suggestions.. so I hope someone else has an idea!

Well done:]

Terminus (2)
by Valedico

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-26

'I've felt pain you know -
the kind of pain
which inhabits you;
the kind of pain
you're unable to
inhibit'
`I think you meant to purposely be repetitive with pain in that you could emphasize this pain. However, if you were to eliminate the repetition you could rewrite it like this, as I'm sure you know, but will just point it out for you

'I've felt pain you know -
the kind which inhabits you;
the kind you're unable to inhibit'

`You could change the format of course, I think the repetition of pain was okay here, but wasnt quite sure how much I liked the repetition of 'kind' ..knowing what kind of a poet you truly are, I would expect something so much better than that. I feel like the vocabulary in this piece isnt really up to par with what you normally write. May just be you havent wrote in a while, I'm not sure. Anyways, I think this is a good beginning.

'I don't want to limit
or restrict it
what if I desire to
nourish my body with it;
allow it to be manifest
for my being?'
`WOW! I loved this. It just completely took me by surprise. I have never heard of someone actually wanting to feel such pain. Maybe when someone wants to give up their life or something like that; I just loved the way this was written though, very well done. Again, not normally up to par with what you normally write as far as metaphors or vocabulary go, but still a good write.

'Gratification won't
exist when it's sobbed'
`I feel like this is almost like a famous quote, it was seriously that amazing. At least I thought so. I wouldnt change a thing about these lines at all. Indeed, the way you're talking, how bad you want that pain to just take over.. but if it was taken away from you, you would have no satisfaction and on longer by joyful because the pain gave you that feeling, yet with it gone.. you would feel like you had nothing. Well done here. Impressive.

'Writing merely
shifts it;
and if I choose
pain as my profession
I am a poet.
Lie between comfortable
lines
blink and you've missed it.'
`This was a very interesting ending but yet original and I feel as though it truly came from your heart. I think I'm speechless, not sure how to critique these last lines for you, it's one of those things you have to think about what the reader means. This is truly a good ending because it makes you think. Couldn't have said it any better myself.

I think this poem was great, but not awesome or amazing. I think you are just getting back into the swing of things after a long time of not writing. I do love your words youve written here though, a original write. Nice to see you writing again. I hope to read more :]

Crimson Stripes (22)
by Quiet Insanity

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-25

'humble man in ragged clothes his fate they prepare,'
`Maybe insert a comma after clothes for a pause?

'verbal shouts and rocks are thrown unmerciful attack.'
`Comma after thrown?

'Valley rings of the sound crude nails ripping skin,
cracking of precious bone sun paling with chagrin,
weeping of the faithful orchestrate the evening air,
spirit leaves the dying flesh soulfully hanging there.'
`You want to be careful, with filler words. 'The' is one of them and I see that youve used that enough here. In this stanza I think its pretty difficult to eliminate it because when you do you dont get the same meaning you're wishing for. Maybe try this though, I think it would sound better..

'The valley rings of crude nails ripping skin,
cracking of precious bone, sun paling with chagrin,
weeping of the faithful orchestrate the evening air,
spirit leaves the dying flesh soulfully hanging there.'

'A mother cries; falls to her knees weakened from the loss,'
`I think we understand why she would be on her knees. So maybe you could eliminate from the loss. So simply just say.. 'A mother cries; her weakened knees collapse.' Something like that maybe?

'king of kings will rise again to wear heavens crown.'
`Heaven's should have an apostrophe

Other than what I mentioned I really thought this was a good piece, you may have gone too far though with descriptions, sometimes I felt like some words were just placed into the poem to make it sound really good. I was happy to see something different though this time. Something long and with more meaning and I found that in your write.. lots of meaning. A good piece, I don't think its necessarily the best out of all your poems but I do believe it's still good.

A Seed Of Greed (3)
by Mezmeryz

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-15

I loved your title, it drew me in.. just the sound of it was neat; being a love poem I expect something along the lines of how greedy we are when it comes to love; and how we just want that perfect person to come into our lives.. almost like money and how carried away people get with their desires to have so much of something.

'Fulfilment
Of my dreams would please.
Now they're laid down at my feet.
I should be content, at ease.'
`I dont know about 'Of my dreams would please' - would please what? I feel like youre missing something here. I love how you said now they lay at your feet; that was unique.

'But life
Brings me at these stages,
With yet more hurdles.
The chapter holds more pages.'
`Yes life is full of struggles and hurdles that we have to get over. I like your structure by the way, its neat and not sloppy and works nice.

'I may
Have all I need,
But not all I would like.
Fate planted a seed of greed.'
`Love your words and they are so understandable. Theres things in life we need, but then theres things we want, but the necessities are more imporant; loved 'Fate planted a seed of greed' that blew me away!

'They are
Material desires,
They no longer bring joy.
I search for what my soul requires.'
`I dont like the repetition of they here. Maybe you should say..
They are
Material desires
That no longer bring joy...'

'I realise
I've been robbed,
No longer greed now; it's just need.
For so long my soul has sobbed.'
`Greed should be greedy - I believe. I loved what you said here though!

'So much;
Yet as little as can be.
All I ask for is that little part,
That other half of me.'
`Beautiful ending, wanting that person to be our other half, or complete us.. our live. Compliment our love.

Well done. Not a bad write.
5/5.

Into The Dream (7)
by Lady Nik

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-13

'I sniff in the richest scents
that I have smelled for all time.'
`I think this would read better as;
'I inhale the richest scents,
that have lingered for indefinate time.'
- - Something along those lines. I think the way you worded it is awkward.

'wonder back into view'
`I think you meant wander not wonder

Lovely write! Whenever times are rough and we dont feel like thinking about the bad, we wish to drift into a dream to escape from everything.

Well done darling :]

The Majestic Feeling Of Love (4)
by Hallo A Lilium

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-10

'A distinct emotional reaction-
You form a bound and a win lose attraction-
The days go by slowly in the arms of love-
Constantly grinning by the warmth of a touch.'
`I got confused with the first two lines.. it feels as though theres a few words missing like you meant to say 'A distinct emotional reaction forms a bond and a win-lose attraction' - I think you meant to say bond instead of bound? The first two lines really threw me off terribly..unless that was just me. Win lose attraction may need a - in between them because they need separation. One last thing, if I were you just use comma's not the dash.

'You don't abide by any set rules you elicit your own-
Waiting at the door of that certain someones home.
It's a cautious feat to subside to in the start-
A normal attachment turn's into a matter of the heart'
`In the first line you should put a comma after rules..and replace your -'s with comma's as well.. it works better.Turn's doesnt need an apostrophe.. it is written as 'turns' - Good stanza though, I would have almost like more emotion in it though.. what does it feel like to stand there waiting at their door? You say its a normal attachment, yes... but I feel like this part is lacking emotion.

'More than once you'll stare into beautiful eyes-
They will brighten your day and make blue in the skies-
A fervent adoration sparks to life a feeling so plain-
But when it's true it is not so normal and it has not a name.'
`They will brighten your day and make blue in the skies.. - I didnt like say.. how about saying... 'They will brighten your day, painting the skies blue.'
`Put a comma after life.. I love your phrase 'spark to life' that was amazing.

'We call it love in many words and like phrases-
But it's more than just that in so many cases-
Whenever they are near we get a smile on our faces-
It's experienced in any culture and shared by many races.'
`Indeed that feeling is called love, and love to all of us may be something different. We all have different ways of describing love.

'We feel like we could cry when we see them in tears- Wanting to be there hero or heroine and chase away their fears.
Silence can be accepted just for alone being with them-
It's a ingenuity that we long to share with her or him.'
`The first line is way too long if you want it to fit your style. I would do this..

'We feel like we could cry when we see them in tears-
Wanting to be there to chase away their fears.'

[I dont think you need hero/heroine.. its obvious that this person holds extreme power if they were to chase away your fears.]

'A spark of a flame that can light your whole body on fire-
You find you long for their body pressed against your own-
Beautiful limbs that carve a sculpture made to be a home.
Silken skin that changes the elements to both love and desire.'
`Good describing what we long for when we love someone. That attraction and how we want to be near them. Good alliteration with silken skin.

'It's fair to say that falling in love is the greatest gift of all-
Just being able to slip and in their arms you fall.
I can concur that it's simply life's greatest feeling-
Because love sets everyone's heartbeat spiraling and reeling.'
`Good ending - yes many do think that love is life's greatest gift and the best feeling in the world.. I was hoping for something more unique here- like what you believe--what could you say that would have just as much meaning?

As for the puncuation in the piece since you wanted help with that, I would only suggest to really change your dashes into comma's. Thats more poetic.. in my opinion. I also gave you some other suggestions throughout my comment - I hope they help.

Good job --

Eyes Scripted with Faith. (6)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-09

To be honest the title was good but Ive read your poems for I dont know how long and this just seems like a repeated phrase used over and over. Plus its too long of a title to begin with in my opinion..but nonetheless will catch the readers eye.

'I'm sick of building castles in the sand
just to gaze as it's immersed within
the opaque waves galloping forth.
What's the point in all the struggle?
For nothings everlasting.'
`I loved how you just started the poem out with the lyric that you were supposed to use, that way it gives you the whole poem to build off of it. Two things - I loved how you said the waves were galloping forth that was quite original. Secondly, nothing's should have an apostrophe becuase youre saying nothing is..oh and it wouldnt hurt you to add some puncuation, I know thats not normally your style but it would help immensely.. I like pauses in poetry..just a break in the action to collect your thoughts is nice.

'I'm sick of unfastening my heart,
only to witness it's collapse,
at the grapple of your love,
which grips no mercy
as it tears without remorse'
`Loved this hun..I know the feeling of opening your heart up to someone and unsure of what will happen and in the end only watching it collapse as your heart breaks. Loved your usage of grapple.. I havent heard you use that before. :]

'I'm sick of choking on your lies,
although they taste so sweet
and always linger on the tip
of a tongue swollen
with callous'
`Choking on lies is quite the cliche phrase, to be honest I wasnt liking it too much. I think that you could have come up with something more original.. but I must compliment you on the tongue being swallen part.. that was something I havent heard you say before.. good job.

'I'm sick of feeling,
for I wish to be numb,
but in the lowest point of sorrow
answers are uncloaked
to bleak eyes'
`I'm sick of feeling would probably be worded better as I'm sick of emotions? or I'm sick of having feelings...not sure but if you say I'm sick of feeling it just doesnt sound right to me personally.. maybe thats just me. That feeling is a bit overused.. wanting to just be numb and void of any feeling whatsoever, but then again its a personal write so I'm not making you change it. 'Answers are uncloaked to bleak eyes' - I liked uncloaked but then again I didnt.. it just didnt sound right..I dont know what youd replease it with honestly.. maybe revealed?

'The castle might be whisked away
but for a moment, it will exist in glory
and perhaps years later no one will remember
but you'll still ravel in the pride
it took to craft such beauty'
`Loved this stanza .. I cant say much about it!

'Love is not promised for every open heart
but the risk doesn't match it's reward
for how will a soul learn to earn wings
without being plunged into uncertainty
with hope of survival'
`I love your words.. but it seems like you changed your poem to a speech about life here, and I didnt really like that and to be honest it kind of turned me off a little bit.. I just feel like youre preaching now and not writing a poem.

'Or with the speck of strength that still lingers'
`I really didnt like this line.. strength lingering.. I cant see that. Plus you already used linger earlier in the poem and it worked better there than here.

Your ending was strong and I loved it.. you did great there. My only major problem with the poem was I felt like the last few stanzas were as if you were preaching.. maybe that as just me.

Well done though. :]

Laced With Love (2)
by Italian Stallion

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-08

'Floral attire embraces soft vibrant skin,
with goldened rope laced upon the neck.
Resplendent showcased diamonds revealed -
her painted red fingertips accented with yellow.'
`Very beautiful description, I can clearly imagine this.

'Smiles escaped her refined gentle face
gesturing a warm welcome for him to see,
as her soft tender voice whispered,
"Love's what we'll become."'
`I dont feel its necessary to get so carried away with the adjectives; you could take out soft here, for two reasons. You used it above, and two... its just an adjective that I dont feel is nececessary, youre just overdoing it with your adjectives. If you didnt want to do that.. take out tender and use delicate or something - sure thats overused and cliche but its what youre going for here...

'Her soft gentle smiles never left him,'
`Your adjectives are becoming really repetitive.. Ive seen both soft and gentle again.. I dont like the repetitiveness of the adjectives.. both arent even needed here to describe smiles, I think one of them would do. I like when a piece has a wide variety of words.. using the same one over and over turns me off personally. Just being honest.. not sure if you realize how repetitive you are being with this write.

'Etched amongst his heart lies her name
where eternity is sought and embraced.'
`I loved the usage of etched here, however amongst wasnt the right word I dont believe. Maybe use something different, it just seems awkward when I read it. You are being repetitve with embraced here, but I think its fine..

'Lustful touches run across her inked name,
tasteful kisses occupy her glistening lips,
as his tough deep voice whispered,
"Love's what we became."'
`I cant say theres anything wrong with this, probably the best stanza of your poem.. it flowed nicely and loved the repetitiveness of Loves what we became.. that was perfect. A great ending.

Good job, I dont think its your best.. but it is beautifully written Joe.

Insignificance (5)
by Valedico

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-07

'I crushed a mosquito against her sunsoaked skin;'
`I can see where your title comes into play with only the first few words.. I dont see any signficance with a mosquito but there must be a hidden meaning. I will be upfront with you and say I dont like 'sunsoaked skin' I just dont see the imagery with this.. I see where you going with this how our skin absorbs the sun.. but I just dont like the word soaked, doesnt fit very well for me.. but then again thats just my opinion.

'aside the liquid cries of playful children.'
`Liquid cries I didnt particularly like either.. like Joe I can see where youre coming from with it.. but I dont know.. I think the word cries would speak for itself alone without the extra word 'liquid'

'I realised when she turned to face me, that we'd created one of those insignificant moments that (without intent) etch themselves deep into our subconscious.'
`I could be completely wrong but wouldnt it be.. 'subconsciousness' Other than that this was a great stanza.. emphasizing that insignificant moment and how it was created and meant so much.

'Felt that if I told her how beautiful she was that I'd terminate this formulation in my memory'
`I think its really important to have I before felt, otherwise it doesnt flow very nicely.. but thats probably just me..

Strong ending.. great way to end it with a question. I dont know where you were really truly going with this .. your hidden meanings are always difficult to really find.. but I love what I see here, I thought it was well written for the most part.

A Journey Into Your Life (5)
by Italian Stallion

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-07

Your title is obviously more eyecatching the way it is, but may I suggest doing something shorter like.. 'Daydreaming' Its up to you, but shorter titles seem to go over better, but then again you have a great one.. very eye-catching. :]

'Everytime I daydream, I dream of you.'
`Simple beginning but I like it.. whenever we daydream it is normally centered around that one person.

'Your love encompasses me like my sun tanned skin, derived from blissful moments in a resolute journey.'
`Loved your word choice, I think sun-tanned may be written like that with a hyphen.. other than that a very beautiful opening.

'A journey, through littered roads with broken hearts, not a destination.'
`I have never seen something so clever.. littered roads with broken hearts - well done!

'It's a journey in the lines of fire in which I'm willing to partake.'
`I loved how you said it was not a destination, its truly a journey.. however, I think it'd be best if you used a synoymn for journey here, youve already repeated it a few times.. but the first two times I felt it was necessary but this time maybe try something different, you could maybe either replace with this one or one of the above with 'adventure' or 'stroll' .. not sure what else could be used, youll find something though.

'You're the coffee that I drink: strong, bold, and sweet.'
`Comparing someone to coffee is unusual, but then again anything you do reminds you of this special person.. great metaphor here.. truly beautiful words.

'I can smell the floral fragrance emitted; and I tell myself, I must be dreaming, dreaming of you, once again.'
`Great alliteration with floral fragrance.. liked the repetition of dreaming.. it flowed nicely.

'They say paintings paint a thousand words,'
`Paintings paint? I didnt like it really.. and not sure why..

'well I hope the same is true for poetic prose'
`Ohh, Joe! Brilliant.

'Reality recently smacked me right in the face, I must admit, I must of been blind...

I daydream, whenever I'm not with you.'
`Yes yes.. when we daydream we tend to block out the fact that we're really living in reality at that moment and when we finally wake up we are 'smacked' by the fact that its not real and that person isnt next to us. You did a great job with the ending here, truly a beautiful piece, so sweet and cute. A lot of us day dream of one special person when they arent by your side.

Well done :]

Caramelized Skin (4)
by Italian Stallion

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-07

'Disguised, I hide myself deep inside my tough crunchy skin.'
`I dont think you need 'myself' .. we already know youre talking about yourself with 'I' but nonetheless a great beginning.. I like how theres a double meaning to this poem, Ive never seen a poem quite like this. While youre describing an onion, it also relates to you personally.

'Silverlized rings embrace my body, telling a story for all to see. '
`Silverlized - did you mean Silverized? Maybe thats actually a word, but I wasnt sure. Loved your words here, how you have layers and they tell a story of who you are.

'Peel my outer sun-burned layers off and reveal my inner lightened skin.'
`Loved this, such strong words.. and great usage of word choice. The outside is what we see.. but if we were to look inside we see the real person. I must agree you are a very 'lightened' person.. in many aspects, very smart and also sweet and always happy and upbeat.

'Rub oils upon my surface till my skin absorbs it, then bast me in the heat once again.'
`I wasnt sure about the word bast here.. are you sure you didnt mean bask?

'What am I?'
`This line is so powerful, it makes the reader stop and think what the object is you are describing, and then also meaning Who are you really?

'Eat me raw, or eat me cooked, either way I'm bitter-sweet.'
`I think 'bitter-sweet' goes a long way when used.. loved how it was used here.. well done Joe.

'I'll make you cry, I'll make you smile, it's your choice all the while.'
`I really loved the direction of this piece, the double meaning thing.. Its really unique and interesting. Soo true - onions do indeed make you cry, and sure they can make you smile haha.. and for a person you will always make others cry and smile.. your words fit both meanings perfectly.

'I'm hard, but bruise easily.'
`Didnt really like 'hard' here.. could you just say 'tough' Its up to you though, your poem.. not mine.

'Layer by layer you can peel me away to nothing. My core is the heart, which gives me life, my core is the seed, which will reproduce.'
`Awesome closing here.. if the reader had not discovered that you are talking about yourself personally as well, this was the part of hte poem that gave it away.. awesome job.. I'm impressed.. what a unique piece.

'What am I?
What am I?

Disguised no longer, I revealed my inner self.'
`Loved the repetition of What am I? Thats the one question that the reader is trying to figure out throughout the poem and it holds a lot of meaning and makes the reader think. Last line... perfect!

I am going to nominate this, it was one of the most unique writes I've read in a while. I fell in love with the double meaning of this piece, I hope to see you try this again.. brilliant idea!

Well done!
5/5.

Twisted (23)
by Lady Nik

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-07

"I can hear them screaming
just gnawing at my existence..."
`Powerful opening... 'just gnawing at my existence' - this was amazing.. so original and caught my eye .. I loved this! Very well done dear, I was impressed to read such a powerful few lines to begin your poem.

'I feel them beneath weary skin
Crawling...
Walking upon dark concrete
like ghouls
creeping into nightmares.'
`Such darkness youve painted with your words.. wow. I like how you used creeping and crawling cause they go together but in different lines.. good job with the simile as well.

'Why? Why do you pull at me.'
`Period after me should be a question mark.

'Wasted blood mixed with
tarnished flesh and mangled bones.
`Because you put 'A sorry excuse' between I'm barely human myself and this.. it kind of made me a little confused, but other than that you did a wonderful job.. this was awful dark and creepy.

Unique write, I loved how you took the quote and made a very interesting write out of it. Good usage of dialogue as well.

This poem was definatly twisted.. well done!

5/5.

Sugar Ration (4)
by GoodMorning

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-03

'Your smiles are rare, something to savor
--comparable to rationing sugar
in the belly of world war.'
`Loved your beginning here, it was rather unexpected and unique. I did not expect to hear that a smile was comparable to something so random.. like sugar.. but I can see where you would get that, how someones smile is beautiful and sweet.. hence the usage of sugar. I dont think the '--' is needed before comparable, I dont see the point of having it there.. although it does make a nice pause in the action of your writing, put it after comparable. It works better.

'I'm hidden away safely.
Ankle deep in sugar,
and up to my eyes
in smiles.'
`Although sugar and smiles is being repetitive here, I really loved what you said, it was really unique and interesting to read and far from any cliche phrasing.

'Convinced you've expired,
you've made yourself an easy target.'
`Convinced you're expired - wow. I have never heard of expired used in that way, I really loved that.

'Why don't you recheck the date?'
`I wasnt much of a fan of 'recheck' here, I think a different word would sound better. It just seemed like an awkward word. Reconsider? - would that work?

Interesting beginning and you only built on that idea throughout your entire poem. You held my attention from beginning to end. I think that means youve written a great piece.. and you have. :]

5/5.

Imagination Hurts (16)
by Colm

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-01

'Terraced gardens expand across the lake
And through the wild imagination-
Splashes of a flowery rainbow,
Dotted beyond the glistening waters,
Where at its shores, a girl sits,
On a weathered bench, under the shade
Of a willow animated in light dance.'
`Awesomely written, very well done with the puncuation and vivid imagery. I loved the 'splashes a flowery rainbow' - Ive never heard of a flowery rainbow before.. that makes it even a more beautiful line, unique way of describing a rainbow. Such a serene scene youve painted in just the first stanza.

'The water-lilies gentle waltz holds her gaze,
The birdsong enticing her lips into a smile.
Familiar eyes and radiant skin,
Is vivid beauty to surpass all,
And for those moments, to surpass reality-'
`It almost seems as though you need an apostrophe in lillie's, but it doesnt look right..? Beautiful description though, how water lillies dance the waltz.. gorgeous. I didnt like the repetition of surpass though, it just didnt work for me personally.. but it works.. but you could replace one of them with a synoymn.

'Mind-wanderings override normal vision'
`I didnt like mind-wanderings.. it was a different way of saying daydreams or imagination, but I think daydreams or something would sound better. Maybe it just came as a surprise to me, it seemed rare.

'Until recognition slowly erases her figure,'
`Recognition isnt the right word.. it didnt sound right.. maybe say... realization? Recognition is like recognizing someone or something but yet again doesnt necessarily fit here.

'Like a ghost fading onto the wind...
Leaving behind an empty old bench,
A stagnant pond green with algae,
Untidy slopes of dull grasses,
And a lacerated heart...'
`Wow what a turning point in your poem here.. it went from sort of happy and serene to really sad and the nature around her has changed.. good job portraying that sad mood and imagery you wanted.

'Present reminders of time past,
'All good things come to an end'-
Her pained words echo in my memories,
The curse of fragile mortality
Reverberates in my hollow heart,
All good things come to an end.'
`Powerful ending.. really truly you did amazing. Loved the repetition of 'All good things come to an end.' - unfortunetly this can be the case in our lives.. this quote did reflect your poem very nicely..

Well done.. very well done Colm.
I enjoyed this!

5/5.
Temps. ;]

Boredom is a Disease (28)
by EvanescentMoon

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-30

Loved your title! So intriguing and well... basically the truth haha.

'My thoughts
are like bubbles restlessly
floating, and soaring into
the abyss of nothingness...'
`Very interesting and strong beginning.. I loved your metaphor here of your thoughts being bubbles and having no meaning to them..

'Yet, oftentimes like
comic figures hanging
at the edge of sanity but
most of the times,
envisage death basking
between the jaws of reality with
a flamboyant face...'
`Wow this is extremely original, I adored everything in this stanza.. awesome word choice to describe how your thoughts sometimes nearly driving you insane..bordem will always make you feel that way haha

'Nevertheless I am,
miserably fascinated
-of my third eye's
-elusive grin, blissful
not of a downfall but
festivity--full of
-ripe emotions nurtured
in a barrel of olden days...'
`Woah, I am absolutely speechless, I would like to point out though, I dont think the dashes are necessary before those few words, other than that.. wooah, this was an extremely powerful stanza.. ripe emotions - ahhh, that was amazingly said!

'These days, I hate the
way how my lipstick-stained
cup of coffee stares
at me- as if it knows the-
emptiness inside when-
the fang of boredom
injured the many minds...'
`'Fang of bordem injured the many minds' - great idea..! how bordem is a fang injuring our minds, you said something so dull and boring in the most unique way! Really well done with this..

What a poem this was.
I will have to nominate it myself.
Well done! This was really well done...it held my attention from beginning to end.

5/5. Temps

Sunny Day (16)
by Lady Nik

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-29

First of all dont put something at the bottom of your poem commenting on your own piece, let people comment themselves.

'Sunshine breaks through the violet curtains
that covers my window
and whispers in my ear.'
`I think shorter lines work better, a mixture of long lines and short ones will through off your flow in a snap. So maybe do it like this;

"Sunshine breaks through
the violet curtains
that covers my window
and whispers in my ear.'
`Look how neat that is and how it even has a nice flow to it?

'It's a new day, no longer dawn, time to breathe.
I find my lungs hidden beneath so much pain,
and beg them to breathe again.'
`Didnt like your repetition of breathe at all.. it didnt work here..your format is really long lines again then a short-ish one.. try to break them up somehow to make the poem look more neat and flow nicely.
`On another note though I did love these lines loved how you said you begged your lungs to breathe, that was unique.. loved your usage of 'begged' here.

'The tearful tune that was once a meaningful melody
starts up again inside my soul'
`Very well done.. love the alliteration of 'tearful tune' and' 'meaningful melody' they went well together.. :]
I would still try and break up your lines.. cause they are kind of longer than they need to be.

'let these music notes dance their way through my life
warming me like a sunny day.'
`What a beautiful ending.. loved the way you worded this.. so peaceful.

Well done!
Although it may seem like I gave you loads of critique, I thought it was a very great poem, just needed to be broke up into smaller lines.

:]
5/5.

What's your Impression? (8)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-28

I love poems with titles that have questions, it lures the reader in.. because it makes us so anxious wondering if we can answer that question ourself. In this piece particularly.. it seems as though youre truly speaking to the reader in your title.. and I liked that. :]

'You can say I'm an idealist
with one eye always open
to reality'
`Wow I loved the beginning, how someone may be dreaming in an ideal world, but still looking at reality at the same time 'with one eye always open' loved that.

'Maybe a walking contradiction?'
`I loved this! What a great question as a follow up of the first stanza.. I thought it fit exactly what you were trying to say.. about looking at realism and idealism at the same time..

'You can say dreams are my armor
yet they blind me
from reality'
`Loved how you said your dreams are your armor.. really well done. Youve truly spoken the truth here, dreams do blind us from reality, when we're dreaming in our own fantasy world.. we dont look realistically at situations. [I'm actually writing a collab with someone right now about how we are always blinded by reality when we fight for something we truly want and in the end get our heart broken cause it doesnt turn out the way we expected.. because all along we were in our own fantasy world wishing for something that we couldnt have...anyways, sorry to sidetrack you.]

'Silly dreamer it's time to wake up.'
`This line really stood out to me.. telling someone to wake up from their dreams and face reality perhaps.

'You say I lose myself in faith
although it doesn't reflect
reality'
`This was like a really good quote I thought, what can I say..

'You say...they say...whatever.'
`Loved this.. haha almost like saying it doesnt matter what anyone else says.. then you say 'I say..' in the next stanza.. I really loved that.. this line really sets the reader up for the big finale.

'I say the horizon holds a promise
To guide my spirit, give it wings

What will you say
...when I'm gone?'
`Indeed it was the big finale.. awesome write! I loved your ending here, it doesnt matter what anyone else says about you or what they think personally, but you believe that theres a promise out there somewhere.

Awesome write.. idealism and realism are always fun to write about. With this poem you did just that but made it your own.

Really truly a great write, I enjoyed it!

5/5. Temps :]

King of Fools. (10)
by ASPHYXIATED

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-22

"Dubious first impressions were soon obliterated
as your eyes began to swallow fear and shoot out hope."
`I see your format here has extremely long lines; an obvious suggestion would be to break them up into smaller lines to produce a nice flow.. but other than that.. I was really impressed with your start here. Such great word choice. Loved how you said their eyes began to swallow fear and shoot out hope. I have never heard eyes swallowing fear before, or shooting out hope - great originality in your lines here.. awesome job.

"I honestly thought no one could shine the way you did,
your smile could cut through tension."
`I LOVED ' your smile could cut through tension' - cut has SO much meaning in this line, how STRONG their smile was and how it could cut through tension, gosh, I really loved this line. :]

"I had believed you would save us all
from the great depression that was brewing,
that you could cure my world
with just one glance."
`I can truly only praise this piece for its wonderful thoughts and the way it was written. I loved when you said to save us from the great depression, meaning the worst things in the world.. this person could save you from anything.. they held such a large amount of power to cure your world.

"We searched for a leader, an idol- to show us how to achieve
you fitted our desires, played with our hopes and dreams."
`This is like a perfect quote, It speaks a lot about life and the truth about how we all search for that one person in our life that is our 'idol' the one who helps us along in life and shows us how to achieve our goals, and make our dreams come true

"You drained all you could from him, left him to die;
Paralyzed, I was torn between two worlds."
`This was kind of a weird transition? I'm kind of lost now thinking youre talking about someone else. Anyways, regardless of that I thought your word chocie was awesome here yet again.

"You were the king of all fools, the trainer and the guide,
But I was the fool who willingly took your side
in hope of a better life."
`Quite a sad ending but sometimes in life this happens..

Well done - loved this, I can only praise it

5/5. Temps

Purge the Unsaid. (9)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-22

"Raindrops cannot cleanse these eyes
For I wish they held the remedy
To erase the story scripted within
And the thunder might mask
The cries of "I loved you" but
I am witness to my own collapse"
`I loved raindrops and thunder in this stanza, both used in a unique way .. good job taking an alternate route, instead of the path of cliche where you see 'teardrops' used. I think you can remove 'the' before cries, I dont think its really needed.. you can do without it.

"Grant my urge to purge this love"
`Loved this line.. I like how its sepearted and is its own line, it holds a lot of power and meaning, and it stands nicely alone.

"Fleeing into the unknown with nothing
But a promise of a better tomorrow
Yet my faith is on life support
And you hold the power
To turn...
...off...
...the light."
`Sometimes we do go into the next day with nothing but a promise for a better day, and thats just how it is. I was blown away by your clever wording of saying your faith was on life support, I could never have came up with something so clever.. I think saying its on life support speaks for itself! Now, where you said "To turn...off the..light." I dont think you need all your dots, it just slows down the piece and ruins the flow for me. I understand you did that to emphasize the meaning of it.. but.. I dont know if I would do that, taking the elipsis out and just keeping the format would be good enough, but with them in there, it kind of slows the poem down when you had such a great flow going. Just an opinion.

"Warped this thing called "love" truly is
For it takes an unsuspecting heart
And with every ounce of strength
Flings it into uncertainty...
In hope it grows wings to fly
But most rarely do"
`I really adored this stanza so very much. Loved the first line, kind of awkwardly phrasing it, but overall getting your point and opinion across that love is warped; loved when you said it flings the heart into uncertainty, absolutely great wording there, I love how you said the hope grows us wings to fly, absolutely the truth. When we have hope we do indeed feel wonderful like flying.

"For you reached your delicate fingers
In the crevice I'd forgot to close
And with one touch stole my spirit"
`Delicate is soo overused, but I cant think of another word you could possibly use so its fine! I think you could remove "and" and say.. "with one touch, stole my spirit" If you took and out you have to put a semicolon after close of the previous line

"I should have known...
Those words were too sweet
To hold truth...drizzled with charm
You were a master in your craft"
`Youve always been a true inspiration for me to fill my poems with originality, and thats because of the way you word things. I read your poems and find so many neat phrases Ive never heard of. 'Drizzled' and 'sweet' and 'charm' all complimented eachother very nicely.. loved loved LOVED 'drizzled with charm'

"My heart yearned for the warmth
I'd forgotten how it felt
Although I'm sure it knew
That the flame was weakening"
`I think you can do so much better with "My heart yearned for your warmth" .. reading 'drizzled with charm' then reading this really set me off personally cause it just wasnt up to your usual standards of originality.. the rest of it though was good, but I would rephrase your first line and put some Bliss originality into it if I were you.

"Raindrops cannot cleanse what I've seen
And the thunder cannot erase mere utterance
But I can lock this memory
Swallow the key, like these many words
...left unsaid"
`Powerful ending and a little like your first stanza.. I like when you connect your first stanza to the last.. and the meaning and thoughts go in the middle [body of the poem].. perfectly written.


Well done My Bliss.. you are one flawless poet!

Keep it up dear.
Always happy to read new poems from you.

5/5. Temps.

Peaceful Insanity (2)
by xToBeWithYoux

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-22

I loved your title.. very interesting. Normally insanity would not be thought of as peaceful so that really intrigued me and drew me into your poem.

"Shaking hands meet haunted ears,
the scream retreats, into the darkness of
silence."
`I dont know why the shaking hands thing didnt make sense to me, but the rest of it was well written.

"Peace, at last.
Heavy curtains cover bleak paintings of the world,
the bedroom fades to black."
`The is a filler word and can effect writing, so try to eliminate that word most of the time, it always helps with the flow

"Wispy murmurs and withered shrieks
yawn a final goodbye:
The deteriorating mind succumbs."
`I love your word choice, very well done there, great words to portray that dark imagery and mood.

I thought you did really really well with this, I cant suggest too much for changes.

Temps!

Asphyxiated. (7)
by ASPHYXIATED

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-20

"I'm ready to live-
just cut my strings and tell me
when protection turned to possession"
`Great opening, you come through with a strong point - a message. Wanting to know the answer. Sometimes someone can be so protective that it seems like they are possessed of you.. if I'm comprehending your lines correctly here.

"I'd of happily given my youth to you;
my milk mustaches and cookie dough nose
before your goofy laugh died of infatuation
and obsession took the role."
`I love your vivid descriptions here, good job with 'milk mustaches' but especially 'cookie dough nose' what great descriptions here, it lets the reader really imagine what youre talking about without being vague.

"I can't breathe when you're around me
you still take my breath away."
`The first stanza was really good and original, but then I got to this and honestly I found it really surprising that you through this in here, without any originality.. these two lines just seemed really cliche to me.. these lines are too often overused.. how someone takes our breath away when we're around them and how we cant breathe.

"I want to conquer it all-
run wild in this open field
but you're dragging me down.
Suffocating."
`I loved this, sometimes we feel so determined to conquer something whether it be a goal or something else, but sometimes theres something or someone bringing us down, and not letting us pursue our hopes and dreams. Definatly a good word to use here to describe how this makes you feel how you feel as though this person is suffocating you, you dont feel as though you can move, nor breathe probably

"Set me free and watch;
watch what I was born to do."
`Great ending, kind of ties back to your first line when you say "I'm ready to live".. your ready to be set free.

Awesome write..
The only part I didnt like was the two lines in the middle. They kind of in a way connect to your last stanza.. so you may just want to reword that so it doesnt come across as too clliche, but other than that I really loved this write.. thought it was well structured.

Well done.
5/5. Temps

Advantageous Deliberation. (1)
by Novalyn Grace RR

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-20

Ill be honest you kind of have a lengthy, wordy title but hey it works :] Sometimes they really pull the reader in .. wondering what you mean haha.. like me! :]

"I'm an eruption of color and madness,
Skating along the brink of sanity
Reading the questions that lie
beyond what you
approve."
`I loved this.. your word choice was perfect. Sometimes we feel as though we're 'erupting with madness' and border-line insanity. I loved how you used skating to describe this, youre literally on the edge.

"Mint blades of grass etch the soles
of my feet with their whining,
and through the vale shine
sprouts of truth."
`Mint blades of grass really stood out to me, I absolutely have never heard that before, never have I heard of blades of grass whining before, really interesting and original. Your word choice has taken me by surprise!

"My thoughts were taken up by the night,
Devoured in disarray, without cessation
in between the sky's chomping lips."
`Your words are full of sadness here, how your thoughts were taken away from you, great job giving us that sense of sadness you feel as your thoughts are taken away from you. Your word choice definatly complimented the emotion in your words.

"Each idea now falls down from this tree of
idealism I'm sitting under. Overripe and
seedless fruit; an amalgam of rights who
wronged, resolved into red delicious."
`I love how I am seeing 'Overripe and seedless fruit' - I heard something like this in your other poem I read today, I find that really unique using a little bit of another poem and putting it into a different poem, thats a really neat idea! Never thought of that before.. I loved how you said your ideas fall from a tree of idealism, so obviously your ideas arent realistic, but more your dreams.

"Sometimes when I am lonely, I take a bite,
and rest assured I'll lose myself sour in
investigatory taste buds. I digest an
indescribable desire ---"
`Great work continuing with the whole "fruit" idea..again using an idea or lines from another poem youve written is a really great idea. Ive never seen it done before but I have with yours!

"This could explode a conglomerate mess,
Sculpting identities with molten modesty,
And falling behind the faces of a
Convenient cognomen or two."
`Your word choice is definatly advanced for a poet, in some way. But I thought conglomerate mess was awesome, I actually know what that meant, lool. Conglomerate just adds so much to the meaning of the line.

"I need a violent violet remedy,
I'm beginning to feel sick."
`Loved 'violent violet' - great alliteration at the end, almost a tongue twister haha.

Awesome job Nova.
You never cease to amaze me..
really great work.

5/5 Temps

Fruition. (12)
by Novalyn Grace RR

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-20

"My thoughts are overripe apples,
falling down from a tree of
Impracticality,
begging me to let them be:
a root of Possibility."
`Right away youve really pulled the reader in, what a awesome start, I have never thought of feelings as overripe apples.. what a unique way of expressing your emotions and feelings here.. I love your metaphor.

"They set themselves atop the grass,
and while basking in decision,"
`This metaphor is really amazing.. truly.. wow. 'Basking in decision' caught my eye.. normally one would use basking to describe something that is basking in the heat or sun, but with your metaphor here of these apples [your feelings], you use basking in decision, and thats really original.. I love it so much, I think youre doing an awesome job with this.

"I dawdle from their path
with frantic competition
between my two
left feet."
`Dawdle - not a word you normally hear, nice to see it here, great word choice Nova.

"Uncertain
as I may be, a wealth
of courage blooms inside of
me,"
`Your word choice is flawless. You are uncertain but theres this large amount of courage that bulids up inside of you.. you could have put this idea into such a cliche phrase but you took it up a notch and really made it your own.

"Allow me
to evaporate and swell
into the skies, whose mouth
opens wide at my swift replies;
Climbing the tree of mysteries with
nothing but a fistful of apple seeds."
`Powerful ending.. you hit this one on the dot. I'm really impressed.. this piece is a winner and should receive a nomination.. its the most original piece Ive read in a long time.

5/5. Temps

Essence of Bliss. (12)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-18

Your titles always get me.. they are amazing.. ahh, anyways ;] I'm sorry I'm soo late in commenting this but here I go!

"Beyond the surface of a lost dream lies a hero
With mocha eyes that carry a tale twice ignored"
`Great job at your opening here, but I think you need to put some puncuation into this, cause it needs a few pauses in order for it to sound better.. thats my opinion.. for example,
"Beyond the surface of a lost dream [,] lies a hero[,]
With mocha eyes that carry a tale[,] twice ignored[.]"

Of course you dont wanna go over board with the puncuation, but sometimes I think its very very important..

"An aroma drizzled with innocence but held a secret"
`You are the one poet on this site that always blows me away with the way you word things, you come up with such unique phrases that I have never heard of in my life.

"Wearing her hopes as a cloak to disguise...maybe hide
Just to keep that smile plastered on full lips"
`LOVEEE IT.

"Looking at it through naive eyes
She saw life as good, pure, full of love
Now the bitter taste of turbulence stings"
`I think a lot of us look at love as something amazing and pure and amazing.. a lot of us become so naive, and then in the end realize what love can really do.. loved how you worded this in your own words.

"You might see dreams, maybe a hint of hope
But do you see the suffering? The darkness?
She hides it well, maybe too well"
`I know this is a personal poem to you, at least I'm pretty sure it is, cause you do hide it all too well, and we see such a optimistic person on the outside.. but on the inside is what we dont see, and as you have said here.. its that suffering and darkness that is hidden

"Beyond the surface of a lost dream lies a hero
Find her, and you've found the world"
`You truly.. could not have ended this any better... WOW. It strikes the reader and leaves them speechless..

I know this poem was from the heart and it definatly is a "Essence of Bliss."

You did sooo good on this contest, honestly I must say this is one of my favorite poems by you.

Well done Blissy! [:
5/5. Temps

Childhood Innocence (4)
by LifesALovePoem

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-26

'the warmness filling every crevice.'
`this is the only thing I had a problem with for this piece, was how you said warmness when really it should saying 'warmth' sounds a thousand times better when you say warmth.

other than that, i can clearly see youve definatly been improving as a poet, and i'm glad to see that. you definatly made me hungry with this poem.. ;]

keep it up!

5/5

Temps!

Taken (3)
by Italian Stallion

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-18

"The night you left me, I felt as if
I was in sorrow for an eternity.
I wanted to be with you 'till the end of time,
regardless of what it took - I loved you.
Forever; Always."
`Joe, this feeling is felt by so many of us when someone leaves. We feel as though we'll always be sad, and we would do anything in the entire world just to have them back in our lives. Perfectly written, so simply said but sooo many of us can relate to this.

"I would reach to the vivid stars
and grab a hold of them for you, if I could.
Darling, I loved you. Oh, how I'd do anything,
everything just to be with you."
`Awh how sweet is this.. your emotion really comes out in your words, your love seems so deep for this person.

"I want to walk your steps
and reach those whom you reached.
I want to impact society
as you've impacted it.
I want to be your lover
forever and ever."
`Maybe say "I would trace your steps", I didnt really like "walk your steps" - I like your repetition with 'forever and ever' you definatly try to emphasize this, as your main point.. what you want the reader to remember. You wanted to love them forever.

"Oh how I'd walk to the skies above
just to see you one more time,
just to be with you.
You're my heart,
my soul, my everything.
I loved you, and always will."
`To be honest this is cliche, but it doesnt matter because its coming from deep within the heart and speaks of truth and pure feelings and love, as well as emotion.

"I've cried a thousand tears of joy
and a million tears of sorrow
whilst pondering...
what might have been
if just-
if just you stayed here,
here with me."
`This is sooo heart-breaking! Of course we always wonder what things could have been like if we still had that person.. if they stayed. :/

"God reached down from heaven,
grabbed hold of you and took you,
took you from my loving sight.
Darling, oh I'd reach for you,
reach to the end of the world,
hold you tight, and make love to you,
not letting go 'till you told me to.
Sweetheart, I'll love you,
Always; Forever."
`This is sooo sweet and yet so sad... probably one of my favorite stanzas of the piece, a powerful ending, again - repeating and emphasizing your points youve made in the previous stanzas.

Good job Joe!

Temps

Wistful Thinking (5)
by Valedico

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-17

"One may ask themselves
when they are subject to the most beautiful
moonlight, or when they're convinced
the stars aren't masked by clouds as much
as usual. Why that is."
`I thought this flowed nicely, and so smooth, and I know this sounds really weird but I think you need to break it up a bit more with puncuation, cause the reader can barely get a breath in. Your poem is interesting though, you have really unique thoughts.

"Perhaps tipsy from the influences of optimism
staring doe eyed into a sky of dark marble. To
share the moment, to see the flicker that burns
inside you, reflected in another's eyes."
`I really loved 'perhaps tipsy from the influences of optimism' - - I really liked this part because Ive never heard something quite like this.. the way it was worded was original and has a hidden meaning.. the word 'tipsy' here really had me thinking.. I can understand though you were trying to get the idea across of the feeling when someone has so much optimism?

"To capture it on camera forever; though nostalgic,
it never holds the same beauty as it did that night.
(Will anyone beleive the universe changed
for you tonight?)"
`This is really interesting - I love your unique styles.. they really intrigue me. Your thoughts reflect your title perfectly, you did extremely well with that. We all tend to 'wishful think' and wish things were perfect, and the way that we wanted them to be. 'Beleive' is spelled wrong.. it should be 'believe.' [i before e, except after c] haha.

Well done Danny.
You did a great job with taking a title and having the entire poem reflect back to it.. interesting thoughts you have in your mind and how you can put them on paper and make a masterpiece out of them.

Thanks for sharing.
5/5.

Temps

The Old Chair (Ekphrasis) (12)
by Sylvia A

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-26

"What secrets do you know?
Through the years, souls you have borne
upon your lap, joyful children after a day of hide and seek,
the young couple soon to be wed,
a mourning woman who lost the love of her life.
Comfort and consolation that has worn you down."
`I loved the point of view/perspective of this piece, you can hear the authors voice cleary in this talking to the chair... you can tell this chair is old just from your great words and description.

"Cane slats weathered by tears,
torn by the to and fro motion
of a mother rocking her child.
Banished to the meadow,
abandoned by mortals."
`Great description.. your words really bring this chair to life and help us see it more clearly

"Once cloaked in vibrant browns
now muted, faded by loneliness.
Rays of light upon the empty seat,
do you desire rebirth,
to become more than a repository
for a crystal vase of roses."
`Theres some sadness here but the way you used it to describe the chair being lonely was great, but you did really well with it and made this poem your own. I am quite impressed!!

5/5. Temps [Beyond a Poets Mind]

Believe (Etheree) (12)
by Luanne

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-26

"Birth
first breath
journey walked"
`I like the beginning, youve started the poem out at the beginning of someones life, their birth.

"along forked paths
only we can choose
which road will carry us"
`Your words spoke so much truth, you are so right about how there are different paths for each individual to go down but we are the one who chooses which one we will go down in our life.

"through temptation and darkness
our Lord shall guide those who believe"
`You are absolutely right here again, our lord will guide us through the darkness to the correct place, in the right direction.

"death need not be feared but understood
Heaven awaits those who learn, love, obey"
`I love how this poem was set up, you wrote it from birth to death.. really interesting.

Well done on this poem, Ive been wanting to read it for a long time..and am happy I finally was able to!

Your words spoke the absolute truth!

5/5. Temps [beyond a poets mind]

Execution Tableau (Double verse) (18)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-26

'Devouring dreams'
`I loved your alliteration here, very well done with your start here.. instantly your title attracted my attention because of how interesting they always are, your titles are so unique!- always :]

"unfamiliar with"
`I believe you actually have six syllables here..

"principles in disguise."
`This one has six too.. you have done a great job with this poem though.. your words are perfectly fitting with the mood of the poem

"Prayers embraced the sky;
as their pistols roared"
`I can hear thse pistols roaring, your words are so simple yet you get that sense of hearing with your usage of 'roared' .. very well done as well with 'prayers embraced the sky' - I really loved this line.. I thought that there was so much meaning behind the word embraced here, wonderful word usage!

Some of your lines didnt have the correct syllable count, but looking at the poem as a whole I thought you did a really great job with this, well done hun! :]

5/5.

Temps [Beyond a Poets Mind]

Warrior Watchcat (10)
by Luanne

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-26

"God of war, lion-like and ferocious
standing boldly to slay-
beasts that roam with forked-tongue."
`If I'm correct you were using this lion to describe war? - so therefore a metaphor. Anyways I thought this was a great metaphor in my eyes, you did so well with this comparison, 'ferocious' and 'standing bodly to slay' and even your last line held a lot of power and truly described a lion, although you were metamorphically speaking here..

"Woe shall come upon evil spirits
by the sword that pierces darkness ..."
`Wonderful word choice.. I loved how you said the sword pierces darkness.. your words really bring out the darkness of this poem, it is very dark

"He shall -
Protect unborn souls
from nefarious smog that lingers
deep and ugly. Guarding the fertility
bed for those weak in fruitfulness."
`Awesome! Your word choice seriously adds to the poem and mood immensely, youve created a dark deep mood perfectly.

"Gentle lion-
To man of pure air.
Destructive roar-
To man of wickedness."
`I dont think the dashes are necessairly helping or hurting your poem here, but I dotn think they are really needed, I dont think they ever truly have a purpose in poems..

"Let not the eye be blinded by shock!
Beneath the tunic, shield and sword. ,
beats the heart-
of a Warrior Watchcat."
`All I can say is well done - great work!!

5/5. Temps [beyond a poets mind]

Making Love On Broken Dreams. (1)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-26

Okay, so your title was great I really liked it, youre always really good at your titles and luring us in with them.

"Strolling through life
with eyes blinded
by a hope for tomorrow"
`Reading first stanza, to me.. it seems like Ive heard almost all of this before from you. I tend to see a lot of the same thoughts and word choice in your poems. In the last line, I dont know if 'a' before hope is necessiarly needed.. I think just reading it without it sounds fine.

"Sculpting everlasting wisdom
from each heart breaking sorrow"
`I was kind of unsure about your switch from 3 lined to 2 lined stanzas here.. I think that you should just stay consistant, stick to two lined stanzas or three.. dont do both. Your word choice is good and simple though, easy to understand.

"Stumbling over deceiving promises
with lies along the way"
`Stumbling I think is a word you tend to overuse in your poems.. maybe come up with a synoymn for it, but I thought that in this case stumbling was a good word to describe these promises that seemed so real but were actually lies, and you 'stumbled' over them because you believed them.

"Searching for veiled motives
in every tulip bouquet"
`Another common phrase Ive seen you use occasionally is something to do with bouquet, is there any other thing you could use here? I read your poems all the time, and I swear [maybe its just me] but they all seem alike and use the same vocabulary. I do however really like how each stanza starts with a verb ending in -ing, I like how I can notice those patterns in poems.. it makes the poem unique so good job with that.

"Building fantasies
only to watch them fall
as a mere memory"
`Good job with this, I like the alliteration of 'mere memory' .. we all tend to build fantasies in our minds and eventually watch them become memories in our minds

"His well structured deceit
erupting into my epiphany"
`I did not like the switch here, for one- the stanzas and lines are not consistant throughout, youre bouncing back and forth between 2 and 3 lined stanzas.. secondly, all of a sudden youre talking about 'him' while for the remainder of the poem you were talking about yourself - if you know what I mean.. I dont know maybe this really doesnt matter, but maybe you could replaced 'his' with your? It just seemed awkward to me at first to have his in there.

"Fairytales twisted with lust
for I've lost all faith in chivalry"
`I dont know if twisted is a good word to use here... maybe say.. "Fairytales entwined with lust" but then again you dont want it to be too cliche.. so I dont know. Its up to you

"Eyes to the sky with a confident strut

Let's make love on these broken dreams"
`I really dont know why these two lines werent just put as one stanza.. I dont think they necessiarly go well together, but you could have combined them and put a semicolon after the first line, to emphasize they are two different thoughts, two different sentences. Great job however with using your title at the end.. it was a perfect way to end your poem.

I thought you did well.. just some things I didnt necessiarly like.. Ill still give you a 5 though, you put effort into your poems that most people dont.

5/5.

Temps

The Unanswered Question (5)
by Corinne

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-25

Title - Wonderful, I know its simply worded, but it is great and it attracts the readers attention, it makes me wonder what this 'unanswered' question may be.

"Trumpets play unsure tattoos
Heralding uncertain news
Impatient cosmic call and response"
`Great word choice, not sure if I fully understand what youre saying here but looking at it youve used some great word choice and even an allieration, also your flow is great.. nice little rhyme scheme here

"Where do the true answers lie?
When those declared don�t satisfy
Announcing unfulfilled needs and wants"
`You have silly symbols in "don't".. anyways, I love your question, definatly one that you can tell you want an answer for.

"Underneath, the notes ring clear
An apt reply will soon appear
Listen, for an answer�s there somehow"
`I thought this was interesting. Beneath the music, maybe the lyrics, you hope to find the answer to your question?

"The Unanswered Question
Orchestral piece by composer Charles Ives"
`I love it! I didnt even know this was an actual orchestral piece, really loved your inspiration for this poem..

Really interesting poem. I thought you did extremely well with this one, I have no other words.. I thought where you got the inspiration to write this piece was quite original.

5/5.

Temps [Beyond a Poets Mind]

Truth (8)
by Deana

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-25

I would like to comment before I begin, I really loved where this idea came from.. in reading a poem in the eyes of someone who lived a hundred years ago gives us the ability to undersatnd how things have changed so drastically over the years. A really unique piece this is, to write in the eyes of a slave.. and from their perspective. Great choice.

"Oh, I hears ya!
complainin bout everything.
Guess aint nothin right in your world.
women on welfare
A shame they say
State feedin their younguns!"
`The language here absolutely perfect and correct for that time period. Youve also got the supportive facts exactly write in your words, what life was like back then. I think this really makes your poem stronger.

"Oh, this feeble mind does wander
To those years so long ago
Master wrapped us in his chains
Hearts were singin sad and low"
`This is sad, but true. Youve really captured this moment well, the whole idea of the people becoming slaves and being wrapped in chains by their master, and the emotions going through them.

"Supposin you aint happy
No fancy vacations and all
I hear ya sayin "times are hard"
Rememberin the sweat
On the backs of my people
along with the stripes!"
`This was powerful and strong, it sends the reader a message, to not complain about things, because people had it worse than us however many years ago.. they didnt have the luxaries we have now.

"I hear theres lots of rules now
About raisin the little ones
Abuse! it's been outlawed
Now that's good
Remember, Master Tom
Took my little Peter
Right from my beggin arms
Left me achin inside."
`Youve done soo well with this piece, I'm very impressed. I can hear this slave talking oh so clearly almost as though they were standing in front of me reflecting back and speaking about their time and the difficulties they encountered. This poem really touches the reader, definatly has given me chills.

"Say your havin trouble
makin ends meet
Remember once,
pretendin I wern't hungry
So my little Sophie could eat
without feelin bad
weren't enough to go round."
`Another sad moment, but the absolute truth. Back then, there wasnt enough food to go around people had to share, because there wasnt enough for everyone. Some left un-hungry because of this.. sometimes even giving their food up to other people so they could eat.

Loved your reptition of the one stanza.. its perfect!

"Wish he could've seen the day
A black man became president
Aint bout color though
It's bout bein free
to choose
to make things better!
Had ya lived my life...
they're better!"
`Gosh your words are perfect.. they speak so much wisdom and truth..

Im speechless. Youve really touched the reader with this piece, and brought forth some strong points and messages to the reader.

I really enjoyed this, it was a pleasure to actually get to read something interesting for a change.

5/5.

Temps [Beyond a Poets Mind]

Tough survivor ( Quinzaine ) (7)
by Ingrid de K

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-25

I think you do well with taking a title and putting it into a form and with such few words giving us that message that youre trying to get across to us.

However, I personally believe that within such few words you can greatly expand on your thoughts and the message youre trying to get across from us.

Soo my suggestion is to try and go back to free-verse writing, or a rhyming poem is fine too.. whatever it takes to make a longer poem.

I think that form poems are quite easy to write, in fact you can have one done in 5 minutes, because not much thinking needs to go into it. Its like a spur of the moment thing, when we get this great idea we just write it down in a short form and call it done.

Expand! I think short forms are great and a challenge, but with such few words I know theres mroe youd want to say, but with the restricted form, you cant do that. I thought you did well with this the way it is... but perhaps pull yourself away from the different forms of poetry for a while and spend a decent amount of time writing your poems and expanding on your ideas. Spending an hour on a poem and making it more in depth is much better in my opinion then a form as short as this one, with such few words that have soo much more to say.

5/5.

Temps [Beyond a Poets Mind]

It Wasn't Him Who Picked Up The Pieces (30)
by Hollymariee

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-23

"Sixteen is much more than just a number.
It's when, for the first time in her life,
A girl's heart experiences the most powerful emotion;"
`Just reading the first three lines I can tell this is going to sound like a speech, is that how poems are supposed to really be? Its a good opening dont get me wrong but it just seems like youre going to blabble and give us this whole speech. We'll see.

"The essence of her teenage world: love.
She free-falls backwards with the impulse,
Only hoping that the one causing all these feelings,"
`I loved how you said 'essence of her teenaged world" - really liked that a lot.

"That boy that makes her heart pound faster,
And slower at the same time;
Is there waiting, ready to catch her."
`You almost went like too indepth with this one, for one - dont use heart again, you just used that and its silly to have such repetition. You could have used something else. You didnt really have much originality in the whole your heart pounding faster and slower at the same time. You took that quote and put it into your poem, if I were you I'd make it your own instead of taking something cliche and putting it into your poem.

"But often, this is not the case.
He's too busy exploring his options,
He doesn't notice how fast she's falling...
And at last, she nears rock bottom."
`I dont really see the unique or originality in this piece, it just seems like something Ive heard before. Some girl falls for this one guy but yet he doesnt realize shes falling so now she's going to get hurt.. right? I almost feel like youre not giving the reader the ablility to infer. Its not that unique of a piece, and doesnt make the reader think much, we kind of know what may happen. Again, I'm gonna warn you.. this sounds like a speech or something, it doesnt sound like much of a poem. Just being honest.

"And guess what? He's nowhere around.
She's left so broken, it hurts to breathe.
Yes, her stained heart is still beating;"
`Just what I figured, haha. See, you have let the reader think, dont just give it away.. make them dig deeper in order to comprehend. Dont give it away :/ I dont like the repetition of heart again, youve already used it three times. Use different words or reword your sentences so that you dont have to use heart.

"But every pulse spreads the locked-in memories,
Along with the pain associated, through her veins;
Engulfing her shattered body."
`Do you really need the 'but' at the beginning here? I think you could actually eliminate that. Overall though - these lines seemed pretty good I loved your vocabulary. [engulfing esp.]

"And yes, she may still be breathing;
But every breath only longs to catch his scent...
Any indication that he's come back for her."
`Eh this was okay.. but didnt like how you said breathing then breath. Synoymn for breath would be better here.

"Once again, for the first time in her life,
She learns a new emotion, but it is not her own:
Compassion; coming from everyone she'd left behind,
Because in the midst of all the kisses and "i love you"s;
She foolishly forgot those who really loved her."
`This was good, still sounds like a speech but a well thoughout write.

"It wasn't the boy, who had let her fall so hard,
That helped her pick up the pieces;
It was the friends who always caught her in the first place. "
`I liked this, what a good ending! The overall lesson learned is said here.

Some minor things I think you should change, but otherwise it wasnt too bad.. but I'm not going to say it was a poem either, it was more of like a paper or a speech-like write.

Sorry if I sounded harsh at all, taht wasnt my intention just giving my honest input on your poem as requested.

Temps [Beyond a Poets Mind]

Annum (One Haiku Per Month) (7)
by Valedico

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-22

"Last year's frost will thaw
to be laced with rime; anew.
Winter in limbo."
`I thought you did pretty good with this, your word choice is always great and adds to the poem immensely, and the meaning of what youre trying to say. I liked the "laced with rime" part, you took the word frost and replaced it with a great synoymn that we dont normally hear.

"Silence pools the air
as the first full moon fades like
my first love's farewell."
`I really dont think theres anything wrong with your poem thus far, so I can only really praise you. The word pools here, added a lot of meaning, what I got out of it was silence took over the air, there was only silence, no noises remained. Theres some sadness peeking through these words here when you say the first full moon fades, also the simile you used in comparison to your first love's farewell. However, well written, I like how you have some personal lines in here, perhaps this being one of them, the comparison of the first full moon fading and losing your first love.

"A bluebird's voice; sweet
as she shivers, letting her
joy surpass the cold."
`You dont really have the right puncuation here if I'm correct. After voice it would be more proper to use a comma, I believe.. maybe I'm wrong.. either way the flow is fine. Simple words used to describe this blue bird's voice. Perhaps this blue bird symbolizes not an actual bird.. but your first love? I dont know, trying to look at this poem from different angles! :]

"Under the willow
as we shared our first kiss
in Spring's sure embrace."
`I liked how you said willow and stopped there, we obviously can infer here, that thats a tree. I believe you call that "spoonfeeding" the reader, when you give us information that we dont need, we can infer this without being told. "Spring's sure embrace" great word choice here, I dont know if I really liked sure, I would have almost like something else.. secure? You dont have to use it, sure is fine, but I just felt like I would have personally used something like secure.. but thats just the way I write.

"Dew on evergreen,
a pendant of emerald
preserves memory."
`This was rather unique and took me by suprise for some reason.

"Earth births a white rose,
cherry blossoms fall beside-
a bridal shower."
`You have a really unique way of wording things.. "Earth births a white rose" - good job.. "cherry blossoms fall beside a bridal shower" -theres beauty in your lines here, just gorgeous.. vivid imagery.

"We chased the days to
their extinction, collapsing
under fervent sun."
`I dont know why.. but to me "We chased the days" almost sounds too cliche. Try something else? Even replacing the word chased would help this line out.

"Ocean's rage, blissful.
that's harbouring lost furies,
free to be unleashed."
`I really think you overuse puncuation in your writes, not this stanza necessairly but just the entire poem. I think your flow is fine, but I dont know maybe its just me.. but theres sure a lot of puncuation. Just a observation, I'm not saying thats a bad thing.

"Calm rains dance upon
prickled skin; hand droops alone
on bonfire night."
`I loved "unpon prickled skin" - but on the other hand.. "calm rains dance" - cliche again.. the word dance is kind of overused these days, but dance gets across the meaning you want, so I think its fine here.. just pointing that out to you though.

"We were married swans
on a crystal lake, afloat-
our necks entwined."
`This was quite the beautiful ending, you can imagine this so vividly.. it reminds me of a picture Ive seen once.

A great write Danny, I really think there's more to praise here than there is to critique you for.

Well done!

5/5

Temps :]

Torn Pages Of A Poet [Double Balassi] (28)
by Nema

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-21

Title - Great choice, very unique and lures the reader in instantly..

"False words lapse from my tongue
Turn poems to sad songs"
`I didnt really like how this was worded, how about "Poems change to sad songs" I just dont like the turn at the beginning of the line.. cause you had to shorten turning to fit the syllable count. Just a suggestion. I really though did love your first two lines.. great opening to the piece. Great word choice of lapse.

"While papers seek something new
Eerie winds stir bleak thoughts"
`Didn't necessiarly like something here, you could have expanded a bit maybe on what that 'something' is. I did however think you did well with "stir bleak thoughts" I really loved the way you worded that with the usage of stir. Well done.

"Verses yearn for old notes
Like roses cling to the dew"
`I adored these lines, probably my favorite yet. Verses, makes a reference to poetry, which relates to your poem and title as a whole, loved yearns, you just blew me away with that. Your simile was absolutely amazing and well written.

"Words drown with sinking ships
rhyme dies between the lips
Just as rainbows lose their hue"
`Love your flow and rhyme scheme, what a unique style/form this is. I've never heard of it before. Your words speak sadness almost, "just as rainbows lose their hue" great simile/metaphor.. a great way of explaining how the rhyme has died.

"Waves that dissipate shells
disperse stories to tell"
`Not much to really comment on these two lines, your word choice was perfect.

"In poems we destroyed
Of poets seeking relief
My pens ran out of ink
While true emotions wilt
Poems will forever bleed"
`"My pens ran out of ink" - Youd have to either put an apostrophe between the n and s or write out .. "My pen has ran out of ink"

Otherwise, I thought you did a great job with this poem overall. Great choice of words, and a unique write.

Well done.
5/5.

Temps [Beyond a Poets Mind]

Running in a meadow (6)
by Colm

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-21

"I'm running in the luscious meadow
Under April sun which blazes golden,"
`Beautiful imagery here, "luscious meadow" "sun which blazes golden".. extremely vivid descriptions here.. almost as though youre writing this poem as you view this scene yourself.

"Splashing the sky a purified yellow
Bouncing back beams from bud-filled branches."
`Splashing - ehh, I dont know if I would use that word to be honest, right away the first time through it sounded great.. but I dont know if I like the usage of that word, not sure what else you would use.. but just didnt seem like the right word.. bouncing back beams from bud filled branches- wow, lots of b's .. almost like a tongue twister but it all came together beautifully and painted some vivid imgaes for the reader! Very well done!

"Amongst nineteen swallows which swoop and soar
In spell-casting dance of nostalgic discovery,"
`Loved your "swoop and soar" - great alliteration! Your words are absolutely perfect and make me want to be here myself

"An ever-present escort is always assured
Such songful stories ring magical melodies."
`I'm not sure if this was even on purpose or not but definatly plenty of alliteration used in this piece, but definatly gorgeous 'songful stories' & 'magical melodies'
:]

"My body is wonderful, in movement strong
And laughter tickles my liberated mind"
`I LOVED how you at first let us imagine what this looks like, now youre giving the reader that sense of feel.. how it made you felt as you ran through this filed, how the laughter tickled your mind! Wow Colm!

"As the journey deepens down grasslands long,
Realization! Of my heart's penetration"
`Grasslands long, doesnt sound right, and even if you flipped it to say long grasslands, it wouldnt really have the effect or meaning youre trying to give the reader here.. I dont know, something didnt seem right there. Revise possibly?

"By euphoric forces indescribable; intimacy,
Independence, and above all, love."
`Aw what a cute ending. Definatly a lot of feelings felt at once but the one that stands above all and is clearly felt is love.

Beautiful write.
A lot of great word choice, alliterations, and gorgeous imagery through such vivid descriptions.

Well done. I'm glad I read this.
5/5.

Temps.

Our green friends ( Concrete poetry) (11)
by Ingrid de K

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-18

Ingrid, I have to say I swear this is probably thee best write I've seen you write ever since you started writing poetry. I dont know why but I just loved the form and awesome description of trees.. your title was stunning, trees are almost like our friends. Your vivid imagery and descriptions, words, wow.. I'm just floored.. what a great write.. in the true shape of a tree! Beautiful nature write. :]

I'm very impressed and proud of you for writing this... its leaving me speechless.

I just adored it!

Well done,
5/5

Temps (Beyond a Poets Mind)

Winters Death (12)
by Cindy

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-15

Your title was amazing. I really liked it, because when I think of winter dying I think of spring coming to life. :]

"Howling frigid north winds cease
Long cold nights come to an end
Sparkling blanket melts away
Feels like losing an old friend"
`Sparkling blanket melts away - powerful line, resembling the snow melting. I loved your metaphor here.. its like losing an old friend, you can infer here that the writer obviously likes winter.

"Erased snowy wonderland
Frost gone from my window pane
Stark branches reach for the sky
Eagerly waiting spring rain"
`Perfectly written, great imagery and description through your words. Indeed, the death of winter brings spring

"Blocking warmth of the sun
Time to pull closed the shades
Grieving my winters death
As life for me now fades"
`This last stanza was interesting.. maybe this poem wasnt necessarly about nature afterall.. and actually intending a whole new different meaning.. this last stanza is quite sad and the poem ended on a sad note overall. I like the twist though, this poem was really unique and a nice read. I enjoyed it

5/5.

Temps [Beyond a Poets Mind]

Fantasy Dreams (9)
by Cindy

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-14

"Come and join me my love
Reach out and take my hand
Let's go on an adventure
Exploring magical lands"
`Great beginning, youve already brought us into this fantasy world.. such a beautiful start.

"My chariot awaits you
It's at your beckon call
Arms tightly around you
To catch you if you fall"
`I understand you used a LOT of 'you''s.. but in this case that didnt hurt your poem at least in my opinion, I thought it complimented your flow and helped the poem out nicely.. instead of demolishing it.

"The radio is playing
All of our favorite songs
Been waiting for this moment
So hurry come a long "
`If I were you maybe put a comma after hurry?

"Don't want to miss a moment
The day will soon fade away
See beauty all around us
I really wish we could stay"
`Awh, the simplicity of your words are beautiful. Definatly a great description of two people in a fantasy world.. not wanting to miss a single moment, and the beauty that surrounds the both of you. You wish you could stand here forever. Perfectly written.

"Sadly we must wake again
Leave our fantasies behind
Until another time dear
When you in my dreams I find"
`Perfect poem, its sad when we drift off to these fantasy dreams that seem so perfect and beautiful and then we wake up and we realize its reality.. but we hope that we will find this person in our dreams once again.

Loved your title.. definatly captured my eye and other readers I'm sure!

Well done. I enjoyed this. :]

5/5.

Temps {Beyond a Poets Mind}

Resplendent Once More (10)
by Corinne

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-14

"The trees have had
A collective memory lapse
For their bony arms"
`The personification completely took me by suprise here.. I LOVED "for their bony arms" - very good usage of personification in your poetry.

"And gnarled, arthritic hands
Reach, beseech the sky:"
`More personification even with arthritic hands - youre really bringing this tree to life with human qualities. I am just so pleased with this poem, beseech is not a word we normally here but am glad to see it used here.. it made your poem that more original..

"Why have you forsaken us?
We are cold and naked
Where is our leafy finery?
Shall it ever be spring again?"
`Your word choice is so descriptive. "cold and naked" "leafy finery" I loved your thoughts, almost as though you are talking from a tree's perspective.. wondering when spring will come again.

"They forget
That they'll soon be bedecked
With cloaks of green"
`Cloaks of green - thats amazing! Loved the usage of cloaks here, brought forth a lot of imagery.. big bushy trees full of lovely green leaves.

"And while
I know how they feel
That is not
What shall make me
Resplendent once more"
`Powerful ending, great word choice yet again with respledent.

Personification was greatly used in this poem, and it made the poem really interesting. I really enjoyed this write, thanks for sharing!

Well done.

5/5.

Temps [Beyond a Poets Mind]

Fleeting Hope. (6)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-13

I'm glad you changed your title, I was going to tell you it was way too simple as "Hope" and did not interest me one bit.. but "fleeting hope" sounds 1000 times better :]

"
Forever fleeting and tough to grasp
I've held you in the palm of my hand
Then watched you seep from my fingers
And disappear into the shadows"
`I loved this! Forever fleeting - great alliteration to start the poem, and I loved how you brought hope to life, as almost like an object that you can touch, how it slips through your hands and its so hard to grasp. I loved this stanza immensely, because I think we all feel this way, that hope is sometimes hard to grasp in our lives because of all the negativity that takes over in our minds, and we just dont have any hope or optimism left, so hope seems kind of hard to come by.

"Have you lost the directions to my soul?"
`Wow, this is awesome too Bliss. I have no words for this.. loved everything about this line.

"Oh hope, light your way through this abyss
Let me believe once again for I've lost faith
Reveal to me that there is bliss to be found
I've just misplaced my glasses of optimism"
`Your last line was very original and I loved it very much. You are expressing your feelings very well, although I find it weird this poem to be coming from someone who is extremely optimistic but now believes they've lost all faith. The idea of losing hope and the optimism being blocked basically is a feeling that I think lots of us have been through, everyone actually. I can relate to everything youve spoke so far in this piece.. and I love it a lot.. to relate to a piece gives you a clearer understanding and helps you connect with the poem.

"Or maybe they were smudged with deceit?"
`smudged with deceit - dang, I have no clue where this came from, but I sure loved it.. never heard something such as this before. Well done dear :]

"I wish to drink your vast, sweet nectar
And smile as you wash over me with glee"
`Perfectly written! I have no comment on these lines, they are perfection. Flawlessly penned.

"Can I get high off your ecstasy?

Sink into my core and crowd each crevice
I wish to feel again...show me the way

This time I promise
...you won't flee that easy"
`I loved this, almost ends with a tad of hope.. you wish to regain this hope and hold it so that it doesnt "flee" away again. You'll keep it and never let it go away. A positive ending!

Loved this write, I could connect to it myself..as I'm sure a lot of readers will be able to.

Well done!

5/5.
I think I'm going to nominate this.
You've done extremely well.

:]

Music In The Night (3)
by LifesALovePoem

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-12

"Soft whispers of lost memories,
fading away with dying stars.
I'll wait."
`I loved your word choice, i.e. soft whispers, kind of a sad mood you have here to begin the poem but well written. Syllable count seems to be correct.

"Days drift on by with no answers,
clueless minds left in the darkness,
not now."
`I loved your usage of drift, your words fit your mood perfectly.

"When I was at my happiest,
my world came visibly crashing,
long lost."
`Well done with this, your syllable count is great and the poem flows nice and smooth. Youre portraying your emotions great.

"My feeble mind quiets slowly,
waves lapping there upon the shore,
no love."
`No love - awh :/ Feeble - great word choice. :]

"Cries erupt from the dark shadows,
enveloping my ruined soul,
my heart."
`LOVED erupt! Very sad write.. wow. It rips at the readers heart, they can feel the emotions so vividly. Maybe check.. enveloping my ruined soul - to me that is a 7 syllables, could be 8 if I said it different not sure. the way i see it is ... en/vel/op/ing

"Enduring an internal war,
everything slows to a long stop,
over."
`Isnt it eternal? I could be wrong.. but loved the way of describing it like a war. Well done.

"The orchestra stops somberly,
a few moments of utter silence.
They cheer."
`I loved your transition, the twist of the poem. We're jolted from sadness to happiness.. and a smile spreads across the readers face as they reader reads 'they cheer' - a few moments of utter silence - check syllable count on that. i`m counting 9 , & not 8.

"Cries of encore erupt within,
bows from smiling musicians.
They leave."
`I'm not sure about your first line here, it sounded quite similar to one of your stanzas from above.. "bows from smiling musicians" - i think thats 7, not 8. recount possibly..

other than that, I really liked your poem. Great attempt at the form, I know it wasnt easy

5/5.

:]

Who Needs Pictures? (8)
by Nema

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-12

"Betwixt reality and delusion
lie faces in black and white,
a portrait of the old times
Where the souls stand still;
Carefree."
`I love your beginning, it already ties in with the title, and I loved your word choice of 'betwixt' youve laready painted some vivid imagery into the readers mind.. with the description of these black and white faces and how these people stand still and are carefree. very descriptive.

"It happened once-
When time was anonymous
And the memories we held
in frames
were innumerable"
`Your word choice is great and holds a lot of meaning. Memories are definatly never ending they come in infinite amounts and never end. Well done with taking a dull word like "inifinite" and bringing it to life.. I loved your word choice of innumerable. :]

"Today you put me in a frame
surrounded by crippled borders,
though colors shine like
a rainbow after winter rain,
You made smiles shrivel
in a hoax of dun reminiscences,
Done by the snap of your
narrow mind"
`WOW! This could just be the strongest stanza so far. VERY well written, i'm in awe of this. Your imagery is fantastic! - [surrounded by crippled borders, though colors shine like a rainbow after winter rain - great simile and imagery!] love dun reminiscences - definatly some great vocabulary in this piece without a doubt.

"Draw me diaphanous,
next time you try to
comprehend me
Draw me disrupted-
I don't care"
`diaphanous - great word choice, I just learned a new word haha. love the way you worded things here.

"
But please..
Don't draw me falsified;
For it's easier to have never known me
than to know me for years
Without picturing who
I really am."
`VERY powerful ending, I love how we can hear the readers voice and thoughts clearly int he last few stanzas.. great job!

5/5.
I would nominate this, but I dont have any votes left for this week! :x But, this is definatly worthy of a win - I hope you win!

Thanks for sharing.
5/5.

Temps
[Beyond a Poets Mind]





"

Seven Steps of the Ladder. (5)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-09

"Red; color of life.
Be it the hue of blood,
As it paints a trace of hope,
While streaming down bleak eyes"
`If you dont mind me getting technical on grammar, I believe after each color it would be more correct to put a colon, not a semi colon. I liked your description of red and what it represents. Its interesting to see what you though each of these colors meant. For red, instantly I had thought of blood too..I liked how you said it painted a trace of hope, that was unique. "Streaming down bleak eyes" painted a vivid image.. good job.

"Orange; hint of joy.
Be it the sun's rays,
As it kisses through dusty blinds,
To awaken mere forgotten dreams"
`I thought of the sun at first too when I thought of orange. I like the hint of joy to represent this color, its a bright color and makes you think of happiness. I didnt like the usage of kisses, I dont know why. It seems to becoming way overused these days, and It didnt necessairly fit the sentence you were saying. I know it would seem boring to say "The sun's rays peak through the dusty blinds" but you could possibly come up with a synoymn for peak, or come up with a different word of your own. But when we think of sun shining through dusty blinds, at least to me I dont think of the word "kisses".. just did not do it for me here. It was awkwardly placed. I really loved the "awaken forgotten dreams" that was great.

"Yellow; tint of pathetic.
Like that humid summer's day,
When sanguine fantasy was crushed,
With the simple strike of wicked reality"
`This one was interesting, I had never thought about the color yellow and pathetic going together at all. I think you could say.. "Like that humid summer day" .. you dont need the 's here. I loved "sanguine" that was a unique word. Your last two lines were really strong and well written.. it spoke a lot about life and the truth.. fantasy seems to always be crushed by reality.

"Green; eyes of a prophet.
As it glared into your soul,
While you remained oblivious,
To the wretched path awaiting your sin"
`I found this kind of a changing point in the poem, maybe it was intentional but to me.. fo red you used color, orange it was hint, and for yellow it was tint. All made me think of different words you could use to describe colors, but now for green you used eyes.. just stood out to me as a change. Eyes and glared worked well together, in getting your point across.. I loved the usage of oblivious .. thats one of my favorite words for some reason.

"Blue; shade of mercy.
While your ghastly cries,
Which you thought were unheard,
Climbed their way to the ears of certainty"
`I thought your last line was very original here, ghastly cries climbing their way to the ears of certainty.. very well done with that. I loved the usage of climbed, it was definatly something very different.

"Indigo; splatter of faith.
As you erased fear from the mind,
Stumbling forth to a new tomorrow,
With the eyes of optimism as your savior"
`I really liked splatter.. I liked how you said that faith erased fear.. because in life faith can erase a lot of fear in our lives and in our mind. All your words in this stanza connected beautifully.. faith and optimism. I liked the usage of stumble.. that was also something original.

"Violet; streak of peace.
As a new life fell into place,
And belief in fate awakened within,
Allowing you to finally become one with yourself"
`Great ending! Your wording throughout the whole poem was extremely easy to understand and youve summed up life in a nutshell with the colors of the rainbow. Very unique piece youve penned here.

I enjoyed it. I have not read a poem quite like this.

5/5.
Temps.

Smoke Rings in the Dark (19)
by Norhan

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-08

"Sitting infront of you,
Dizzy thoughts sail

- like
smoke rings-"
`This is a very strong beginning, I really loved the "dizzy thoughts swirl" and the simile that followed "like smoke rings" - Very original!

"touching the fringes of the invisible,
and painting their way into the ebony of
the night"
`I'm really impresed on how things are worded here.. I see a tad bit of personification here...possibly. I also loved the usage of ebony, you didnt use something boring like dark or black.

"Never knowing if
they are sinking into darkness
or
advancing towards light


like when half asleep feelings
bury themselves into
paper"
`I loved the simile here as well! I really dont have a favorite line in this poem yet.. I'm speechless. "feelings bury themselves into paper" - I love the usage of bury here.. impressive...

"or
it's it
that has shaped them
a shroud"
`It's it sounds awkward when you read it, but I get what youre saying. Is there any other way to reword this?

One last thing Id like to mention is the style and layout of the poem.. very original and helped immensely with the flow.

Well done!
The title is amazing!

5/5.

Temps
[Beyond a Poets Mind]

Glorious Spring (haiku) (11)
by Kiko

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-08

"Cheerful melodies"
`This is a great description of Spring. These cheerful melodies could be of many things, the breeze or the chirping of birds. So beautifully said in two words. I really liked this. Syllable count is perfect. :]

"glide upon the sun-kissed breeze"
`Beautifully written! I loved this line, probably the best of the three. It just was so uplifting and beautiful.. sun-kissed breeze.. makes me go ahhh ;] Spring is such a beautiful season!

"crocus awakens"
`I loved the usage of crocus, you used a word rarely ever used but held the same meaning as some other dull phrases that are used on here.

A very beautiful haiku! I loved your title.. it is gorgeous.

Perfect spring poem!

Well done.
5/5.

Temps.
[Beyond a Poets Mind]

Satan's Reward (11)
by Cindy

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-08

"Plagued with agonizing pain
Suffering screams of the mind
Afflicted, distorted, disfigured
Ensuing evil makes one blind"
`Your words are extremely powerful and strong.. I'm very impressed. The first line was amazing.. I loved the word plagued, it just added to the pain and mood of the poem and the first stanza. - Also, ensuing evil, I loved the alliteration here.

"De-sending eternal blackness
Nightmare madness takes control
Terrifying sinister laughter
Seizes a tormented soul"
`Wow yet another amazing stanza.. youve portrayed a dark mood and emotions in this piece can easily be felt by the reader. I loved the flow.. its flawless and your poem is so easy to read because of this.

"Beastly demons of past sins
Poison with destructive thoughts
Reek havoc on sanity
Vile wickedness, devil sought"
`I especially loved "poison with destructive thoughts" in this stanza.. your flow is spot on still and smooth.

"Violent seizures, rabid tongue
Charred, scorched, rot, decay
Molten lava, fiery death
Reward for Satan's play"
`Strong ending, nonetheless! You're quite the impressive poet. Way to tie the title in nicely and perfectly.

Well done.
Dark write! Loved it.

5/5.
Temps [Beyond a Poets Mind]

De-oxygenated (6)
by Colm

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-07

Okay Ill be honest with you, the title for me.. it didnt go over well. I was thinking if you could find a synoymn for De-oxyenated or another word that meant that same thing it would sound better.. this didnt really lure me into your piece for some reason.. maybe it was just me.

"Her tear-ducts are dams with cracks appearing,"
`I really liked this, this was really interesting. Unique too.. Ive never heard something quite like this before.

"Bruised heart fractured toward emptiness careering,"
`Your rhyming is.... complex? I dont really know if theres a word, but I can tell there was a LOT of effort put into this to make the rhyme scheme powerful.. I think Danny [Valedico] kind of summed up the rhyme scheme, and whats wrong with it..

"It's lack of oxygen: quick, she's choking!"
`I liked this line.. the "she's choking" really well done, I thought this was a powerful line.. it was unique..

"Her shell wanders the sea, pale skin like frost,
Until memory of her existence, is eternally lost."
`Great ending.. your poem was painted with darkness, and your word choice was strong and was great.

My two suggestions was the thing with the rhyme scheme and your title.

Otherwise you did well.
Good job, the expansion of vocabulary is something that I look for in poetry..

Possibly another challenge you could do is turn one of your poems into an actual poetry form.. Id love to see a form written by you.
Thatd be neat!

Well done Colm.

5/5.

A world without Color (4)
by Marc Ortiz

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-06

"My memories that was beautiful in my eyes"
`Was should be changed to WERE

"Is slowly fading into a colorless world."
`Is should be ARE.. remember; plural subjects require plural verbs.

"But not everyone are like that; most of them
Just disappeared like the smile on my face...."
`This entire stanza is very sad, friends saying goodbye, losing your smile.. you can just feel the sorrow and emotion through every word. Your smilie here was sad but simply worded.. and got a point across.. that youre losing your smile as well as your friends. This world is definatly without color, and filled with much sadness.

"But not everyone IS like that.." - remember if its a singular subject, its a singular verb.. and plural subjects use plural verbs. I think that subject/verb agreement is important in poetry, if you dont have the correct word things just seem to sound so awkward and it makes the reader stop reading because of that.

"My family who's supposed to be there
Doesn't realize the emotions inside me.
I don't know if there's a person in this world
Who will notice and heal the wounds in my heart."
`Everything in this poem is simply worded yet you can just hear this person crying as they write this.. and the sadness pouring out. Good job letting the reader feel your emotions and have a good understanding of them.

"Lord, I pray that you will send someone for me.
I need anyone with me, because I don't know if...
I can live another day without anyone by my side.
Lord, if my memories will completely turn black..."
`I liked this stanza.. its almost like youre pleading, because you cant take this anymore..it shows more of what youre feeling within.

"Please, let me be one with my memories,
So no one will remember me when I'm gone..."
`A strong ending.. even more filled with sadness. :/

Sorry, I didnt realize that you didnt wnat us to point out grammar mistakes, but maybe you'd consider editing this in the future.

Overall, a sad write spoken from the heart.. the reader can feel your emotions and feelings just like you can.

Good job.
5/5.

Temps [Beyond a Poet's Mind]

Cascading Darkness (8)
by Elapsed

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-05

Title: Very unique, it lured me in instantly.. not to mention that this poem was nominated, so I'm anxious to see how great it came out. :]

"Human expressions deformed
Sun shine void of warmth
Nothing comforts no more"
`A powerful beginning.. human expressions deformed is not something ive heard before.. so hearing it worded that way was great, interesting way of using deformed to described expressions. Secondly, the second line was great.. you didnt make it dull, you made it your own.. the usage of the word void was perfect here. Last line, however.. no more is not correct.. I think you meant to say anymore instead?

"Empty fields, misery grows
Open sores, life echoes"
`Awesome job on the rhyming, and how it isnt forced.. and not using normal words that rhyme well together.. it shows that you put more effort into it than most people do when it comes to rhyming. What a somber mood youve portrayed though, really nicely done making the reader feel the emotion that seeps through your words.

"Cascading darkness
Tormenting emotions
Suffocating agony"
`Powerful word choice. I loved how the title was incorporated here.

"Tomorrow so far away
Pipe dreams fray
Nothing left to caress"
`Hmm, really unique.. and original. Pipe dream fray.. I liked the word fray here.

Strong poem nonetheless, I thought you did a nice job.

5/5.
Temps [beyond a poets mind]

I'd Kill to be Your Lover... (2)
by IdTakeABulletForYou

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-29

This was a really good poem, I loved the usage of "I'd kill to..." and how that was repeated throughout the piece. Obviously we recognize here that you actually meant "I'd kill to..." to get the point across that you'd do anything to make this person love you basically. I think we all can relate to that feeling, youd basically almost die for this person.. you just want them to love you.

The ending was really strong, your rhyming.. flawless.. a really great poem. I think that you could have done a tad better.. but most of all it was a good poem. Why I say that is when we get that "urge" to just write a poem it tends to not come out the way we wish it did because we rush it.. I could tell that you weren't entirely pleased with this piece yourself, because you had the "urge"to just throw something on paper.

I enjoyed this though, the repetition helps with your flow and the rhyme scheme was consistant.

Good job (:

5/5.

The Liar (15)
by Anna Stephens

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-28

"honeyed
lips."
`GREAT word choice! I'm so tired of hearing those cliche sayings.. but honeyed is spectacular! :]

"its
falsity."
`Again, amazzzing vocabulary. I loved how you also said the lie slithered from his lips, that was very well done.. and this girl seems to be completely oblivious that its all a lie.

"Even the air
was filled
with
the stench

of his
ego."
`No wonder why this poem was nominated, I'm in awe... the way things are worded are so well done! Stench.. love it!

"Her tombstone
read
"Slain
by the kiss
of a
venomous

viper."
`POWERFUL! Wow .. outstanding ending here! Unique. :]

I'm soooo glad I read this,
your word choice was amazing and you did an amazing job with the whole 'lying' thing.

I loved this immensely!

5/5.

Submerged In Avon (4)
by Valedico

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-18

"Intricate subconscious" - Wow.. a truly powerful start.. I like how you take something and spice it up to make it sound so more interesting.. I really adore your word choice and how you didnt just simply say "complicated thoughts" or something simple along those lines.

"mocks me with
pleasing scenes, and uncomfortable dreams"
`I know exactly what youre saying.. thoughts that are hidden within you tend to mock you with dreams and other images that maybe you just dont care for, hence why they "mock" you - the usage of the word mock really was powerful and said a lot here..well done Danny! I feel like your words say so much and I'm wrapping myself around them.. they hold so much meaning.

"unfamiliar and obscure."
`I love how you went on and even continued to describe these thoughts and how they bring forth uncomfortable dreams.. and how they are unfamiliar and obscure.. so descriptive. It's hard to sometimes comprehend those dreams that seem so abnormal and confusing. I know that feeling soo well myself.

"I've a Rubix Cube with colours missing..."
`Did you mean to say "I've got a Rubix cube with colours missing..." or did you mean to say "I'm a Rubix Cube with colours missing..." .. either way this line is so unique and original.. I really love your metaphor here.. that's a interesting comparison I must say.. never heard it before.

"There's a rusted Watergate in place
of my heart."
`I love this line, and can be interpreted a few ways I guess. Either, you have this gate up to guard your heart in fear of getting hurt, or maybe you have this gate up because you havent loved in so long?

"You've accessed a key that was never given.
I'm afraid you'll flood my body."
`Geez.. this was flawless.. "I'm afraid youll flood my body" .. this really reflected back to the title in a way.. the idea of a river and flooding, and then it made me think of this "gate" that is blocking your heart.. and if it opens then it will be like a "flood" .. obviously not literally but theres a hidden meaning behind what you said..

"Only to vacate. To another place,
and swallow the key in front of me.
Please..."
`Your words are really strong.. swallow I really loved the way it was used..

"Stay, then swim away with (me-)
meandering current beneath your
belly."
`Hmm, youve got me confused here.. again.. your words reflect or refer to the title a lot.. I really like that.. ex. current, swim. Your words are perfect and they hold a meaning.. each and every one of them. I'm not quite sure what you meant by the "current beneath your belly" but I really loved the usage of the word meandering. :]

"So popular it has
it's own genre of poetry. Intricacy.
Was never friends with me."
`I think you may be missing a word before was.. I just feel like there needs to be something there.. although I get what youre trying to say.

"I'm drowning in your words,
and I don't know how to swim
just yet. But you can
teach me?"
`I see you used the word swim again, but wow it couldnt have been put into better words.. Word choice is absolutely effective in this poem.. drowning.. although drowning in your words is a commonly used phrase these days.. I really thought it fit with your poem and was glad to see you used it! Oh, and one other thing.. I think you intentionally meant to put.. "but you can teach me?" because you werent sure, so you were kind of questioning.. but you and can could MAYBE be switched around and still have the same meaning.. and sound more correct.. right?

"I'm caught in a spider web,
you've made, and forgotten about."
`This is really sad.. being forgotten about and feeling as though youre in a "spider-web" and theres no escape.. I love the spider web idea..like I said theres no way to escape.

"Have mercy when you find me."
`A great ending and kind of sums up what you want to say..

Well done Danny.
This piece is amazing.
I will be nominating.

5/5.

Little girl lost (Children's poem) (4)
by Ingrid de K

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-18

"Their branches like huge arms trying to grab her on her flight"
`Powerful line.. it made me stop and read it over again because I really loved the way that you put this simile into your poem here.

I must comment and say your word choice is fabulous, it really adds to the suspense of the poem.. I'm just about on the edge of my seat wondering what will happen next.. youve definatly caputred the readers attention thats for sure.. and now I dont want to stop reading..

Also from the word choice as well as dialouge we get a tint of sadness as well, quite a sad story.. I'm glad to see another Children poem on this site.. you really dont get to see them that often.

"Into the open field she wandered as the sun lit her milk white face"
`I love this line.. its so descriptive and well written although simply said.

Interesting write.. again like I said we dont get this gift of being able to read children poems that often on this site.. so when the opportunity comes that there is one I'm always excited to read it.

A detailed, and well written story with pure emotion.

Well done.
5/5.

Claustrophobia (1)
by LifesALovePoem

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-12

"Hyperventilating, breathing shallow,
others stare in curiosity, confused."
`Great description, we can already tell that your fear is being in a small place, your phobia is claustrophobia..youve described what its like very well to be inside someone with that fear. It's soo common and many people have it.

"Such a confined place, so small.
Dings remind of each passing floor."
`Oh wow, I liked how you actually put us in a situation in which youd be claustrophobic.. an elevator is a great example.. its always so crammed and you feel as though you cant breathe because all of the people around you.. I know the feeling being in such as small confined place such as an elevator like youve said here.

"Claustrophobic beyond need,
eyes keep staring down in chagrin."
`I liked the word choice here.. chagrin, a word I'm not normally familar with hearing.. good job.

"Doors open quickly, people rushing,
my breathy sigh finally released. "
`I know this feeling well myself, that sense of relief that everyone is leaving so therefore you feel like you arent claustrophobic anymore. Youve painted the scene of being in an elevator and suffering from this phobia to the T, youve done well dear.

5/5.

One Sweet Morn...(Triple Lanturne) (30)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-12

Samia, wow this was quite the superb piece.. you have really out done yourself here, such a beautifully written piece with flawless word choice.. what a unique form and a great challenge for yourself to tackle as a poet.

Youve definatly left me speechless, the way you worded things were absolutely breathtaking.. what a lively piece.. full of such words that make the reader smile.. your descriptions were vivid.. every single one of them was just amazing and the reader had no trouble with picturing what you were trying to say in this poem.

Deserves a nomination.
Shows you really went the extra mile and did an outstanding job with this form and bringing all the beauty out through every single one of your words.

I'm proud of you.

5/5.

Disposable (8)
by Valedico

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-07

"Title - Simple.. interesting. Thank you for the note at the bottom, it gives the reader a little insight into why youve penned this piece and where the idea came from.

"
I don't feel that gaining closure
in the act of sexual gratification
will make me more of a man."
`I love how your first stanza states an opinion, it puts the reader into the mind of the poet, their point of view.. their thoughts, ect. You can just tell from the very beginning that you are against the things that this person does.

"Nor do I feel that playing a ball
on the court of copulation
makes me at all worthy of a
high five."
`This was a really interesting stanza, theres a hiding meaning to it, you dont literally mean this.. but theres a meaning behind it that goes along with the poem.. I love how your poems are open to any interpretation and any interpretation isnt wrong no matter how odd it may seem. What I personally got out of this was, that you dont think as though if someone plays a girl that they should get praised for it.. and with that thought I'm completely in agreement..

"I'm certainly unbothered by
your mocking calls, it doesn't
make you any more desirable."
`Definatly with the words hear, we can tell that you dont really like this man.. youre trying to say that he's no better than anyone else?

"Nor am I bothered by the
pulsating bass of a dancefloor,
and the half naked allure of...
them."
`Your words definatly make my mind think, I couldnt necessairly interpret the meaning of this stanza.. half naked allure of them, made me think of an empty dancefloor.. hmm this is a bit confusing, but interesting to interpret the words.

"When in the morning it's a blind
date made worse by forgotten
names and an unfamiliar face."
`This is true, when one sleeps with someone and they wake up the next morning not even knowing their name, and they dont remember them all that well, its all like a blur for them..

Anyways, interesting piece.
I must give it a 5/5 for originality.

Your poems are always open to many interrpretations, and I love that..

5/5.

A note left on her pillow ( CinqTroisDecaLaRhyme ) (5)
by Ingrid de K

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-07

I'll tell you this from the start, your syllable count was incorrect in some places.. but a syllable count is a syllable count, so I dont think it would affect the poem much at all.

"On that last night sweet love's kisses were exchanged
High on love she fell asleep, nothing had changed"
`This was good, I like how you said she was high on love, not that I havent heard this line before.. but I liked how it was used.

"Waking at dawn, to find the note he left her
"I love you, but another life I prefer"
Her world came tumbling down, for she loved this man"
`This would be absolutely heartbreaking, knowing that the person you love loves someone else more.

"Cared for him, like only a real woman can
Without prior warning, he just changed his plan"
`I know this is hard in poetry, but try not and repeat words in your poem.. try to use a wide variety of different words that mean the same thing or just try and reword your sentences so that you dont have to use that word over again.. I'm talking about the word changed in this line and I saw it in the second line as well..

"No room for her, in his future rearranged
Left to wonder how sincere his feelings were
For actions reveal true nature of a man"
`This is the truth.. when someone leaves you you truly wonder how sincere their feelings were for you.. I liked the last line it was pretty powerful and spoke a lot of truth, actions speak louder than words..

You made a good effort at this form,
its difficulty level is pretty high.. but you
managed to take a good whack at it, and
although the syllable count wasnt correct..
you did manage to come up with an okay
piece, it didnt completely blow me away but
was simply worded and easy to comprehend.

Good job.

Pipe dreams; lost illusions of a romantic fool (11)
by Ingrid de K

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-07

Title - it just really pulled me in, I couldnt resist.. its so unique and Ive never heard such a thing.. I'm so intrigued by it. Well done! I think that if you can capture the readers attention just by the title.. that takes a lot of talent. Titles are always hard to come up with so that they fit our poems perfectly or draw readers in.. but youve done so well with this one!

"Thoughts, swirling like darkened clouds
against gravity they soar to my sanctuary"
`Wow the word choice is great.. simple but expresses so much. I love the similie of your first line.. that was amazingly put!

"Steadily replacing bubbles,
bursting one by one
On these magical windy moors
once roamed a dreamer,
with her companion hand in hand"
`Interesting write.. as I continue to read I feel like I'm being pulled into a short little story.. "once roamed a dreamer, with her companion hand in hand"

"Vast fields of fertile soil
have now turned to desert land
Billowing winds tug at the last shreds of hope"
`Wow your last line was the best one of the entire piece, so uniquely said.. sad but yet knowing there is that speck of hope left is a good thing.

"What will remain after the storm dies down?"
`I love this.. its like a storm, your thoughts are swirling around in your mind.. and everything literally does seem like a storm, what a great metaphor youve used.. we wonder what will remain after this passes..

Interesting poem.
Short but to the point.
5/5.

Little white turtle dove (6)
by Ingrid de K

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-03

"In the twilight time a little white turtle dove skims the lake
While the setting sun kisses her wings with hues of tangerine"
`You use a wide variety of adjective to describe this dove that is skimming the lake, simple adjectives that are easy to understand and paint a vivid image in the readers mind.
`Twilight time was a great alliteration, I love when people take the extra step to incorporate an alliteration, similie, metaphor, or even personification into their poetry.

"She flies high upon the breeze and dives in sheer delight
Feeling so happy and content on her magical dusky flight"
`Awh, this is so beautiful. It's just soo peaceful and uplifting.. the beauty of nature is such an amazing site.

"At the brim of the lake a little shadow enters the scene
Drawing closer he catches her eye, little dove turns shy"
`I will be honest with you, I didnt like how words were repeated.. there were words in stanza one that ended up reappearing quite in a bit in this stanza. Ill give you some examples, and perhaps you could replace them with something different: lake, little (X2), dove.. synoymns are fun to use at times like these when youre running out of words.. it eliminates the repetition so that your poem flows more smooth.

"Trying to get in sync with her moves, he comes closer still
As they fly together a full moon rises and night brings a chill"
`This was adorable, two doves meeting together and flying gracefully together.

"His heart flutters feeling the wind from her fragile wings
She flies high in the sky, he follows along closely behind"
`This is easy to imagine, nonetheless.. You and Gabriel both did very well on the description.

"White streak flash through clouds higher from the ground
Beautiful acrobats in the sky gliding low over the town"
`I loved the word acrobats used.. if you stop and think for a moment.. thats a great synoymn for doves, or birds, or whatever for that matter.

"Landing on the branch of a willow, they sit side by side
He begins to coo moving closer with feathery courage"
`It's almost like sweet love.. this was so adorable you two. :]

"She returns his advances sweetly singing under his wing
Joyous sounds fill the ear like the beginning of spring"
`Loved it! I do think you both tend to overuse words like [his, her, ect.] pronouns, yet I understand that point of view in this poem and how its hard to avoid those, yet I'm sure you could find a way to delete a few so its not so full of those words.

Well done by the both of you though.
A piece full of imagery.

5/5.

Harmony; Flawed (13)
by Valedico

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-02

"The wind strums at decayed leaves -
with intent to strip them from the tree."
`I love the word choice here, not only is it simple and easy to comprehend, yet it brings your words to life. I particularly loved the word strums, it made me think of the sound of the win and the unique sound it makes when it blows leaves off of trees. The usage of the strip was great too, when you think of the wind blowing leaves off a tree, in the end it is bare as if someone took everything off of it. Well done Danny. I love the simplicity with your words.. yet they hold a lot of meaning.

"flailing before they hit the floor,
they wish that they were evergreen."
`I think that you could avoid using the word "they" three times..possibly for the second line just say.. "wishing that they were evergreen."
`Flailing was a great word to describe how the leaves twirl before they hit the ground.. but you spiced it up and said flailing, I liked that.

"The sun beams upon a lakeland stream,
with intent to dry it with his heat -"
`I dont think the dash is really necessary, I've been told that dashes tend to interupt the flow, I dont think it particularly did with this poem, yet they arent really needed.. its just another puncuation mark you dont need.. yet thats just an opinion of mine.
`I love the pattern youve created in this piece.. your second line of all three stanzas start the same, and line one of each stanza are the same too in a way, yet replaced with different words.
`I must also comment you on doing a great job using a standard style [4 lined stanzas.] Its nice to see that you can still switch it up and make a poem just as amazing as another style youve used in the past.

"The rain falls upon a daisy,
with intent to drown it's fragile body,"
`The word fragile holds so much meaning! I loved it. Fragile makes me think that maybe its nearly dead and its drooping, and it needs the rain to lift itself up.
"drooping, before it's devoid of air,
it wishes it was a water lily."
`I'm glad you inserted the word drooping, although its clear to us that the daisy is nearly dead. I loved the usage of the word devoid, in other words, lacking air.

This was wonderfully written,
completely impressed.

:]

5/5.

Dancing butterflies (8)
by Ingrid de K

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-28

This was definatly different from anything youve written before. I noticed that it was different in several ways. I don't normally see you writing nature poems at all, so it was nice to see you stepping out of your comfort zone and writing a nature poem for once and not another love poem. Secondly, it was a rather lengthly poem.. normally your poems are short and to the point but you took a longer time on this one and you could definatly see that as you read. I think this is one of your best ones that Ive seen in a long time.. it shows that you put a lot of time into it, and it wasnt just a 10-15 minute poem that portrayed a short thought that Ive heard in many poems before. This was different in several ways, like I said. Impressive write, I loved it.. a story almost. I found it so beautiful in the beginning and midway through, it became really sad and the end just ended on a sad note.. but anyways, the poem was great.. the transition from happy to sad in this poem was smooth..

You can tell I enjoyed this, I've been rambling so much.

5/5.

Tangled in your lies (7)
by Mr Darcy

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-22

"Drink your medicine, thickly sweet
Gulp it greedily from mother's teat.
Liquid essence devours the feast,
Weaving waves of cerebral heat"
`Wow, Darcy.. quite the variety of word choice used here.. very impressive. The rhyme and flow were great too.. not many words for this amazing stanza.. a powerful start to say the least.. great work. :]

"I savoured the sermons that you told,
Such brackish nectar cloaked in gold."
`I like the format of the poem, its something different.. and it seems to be working okay. Consistant with the rhyme and flow and everything else is connecting together very well. Not much to say, but a great poem. Word usage fits the poem well.

"Your wispy mist devoured reason,
Controlled my core, burned my freedom"
`I loved the word burned, this kind of makes the reader go ouch, because you feel the pain that the writer does. Devoured really helps with this emotion as well, great work!

"Save me from reproachful power
Cyanide sprayed from your tower
Sickly sour your saccharine shower
Revealing you..
...the darkest flower."
`Amaziiing ending.. woow. Sickly shower and saccharine shower - great similes!!

Impressive write.
left me speechless,
5/5.

P.S. I Love You. (5)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-21

"Eyes flowing with lust tempts a young soul
Clouded by wistful fairytale aspirations
She unknowingly dances with sin
In hope for love..."
`I love the word choice used.. "eyes flowing with lust", "clouded by wistful fairytale aspirations" - wistful isnt a word I normally hear so its nice to see new words to expand on my vocabulary as well.. its alway interesting to learn new words.

"Thrills of desire a pristine sensation for her
Yet an everyday occurrence for him
Drowning in his thirsty craving
Just a slave to hunger..."
`Thrills of desire - I loved how you put thrills in there, otherwise the line probably would have been a bit dull. Pristine - also a great word.. your word choice is just flawless.. as always. Your words always make your pieces stick out the way they do. You can take any dull line and jazz it up and give it color and imagery in a snap.. thats pure talent.

"She'd tower any mountain simply for his smile
While his devious lips utter mere lies
To manipulate tender emotions
Twisting her hope..."
`Oh yes.. when we like someone that much we'd do anything for them. We'd climb the tallest mountain to see their smile, or anything for that matter. Nothing would be better. I loved the word tower used and not something like climb, well done. Sadly however, those lips manipulate your emotions and twist you around, which ruins your hope that remains.

"While endless love beats rhythmically in her heart
Shrewd lust flows freely through his veins
Scripting daydreams with dying faith
She flees to paradise..."
`I'm just in awe.. your second and third lines just blew me away, I didnt really have a favorite line out of this stanza.. all together it is just amazing!

"Solely another level achieved in his scheming game
His ploy to beckon on innocence for aching gain
Releasing her soul with a sheer whisper
"P.S I love you"
`Oh.. players.. to tell lies and hurt someone definatly makes them feel like theyve achieved their goal, and yet another lie is told when they say I love you..


Well done as always Bliss.
Always a pleasure to read your poems. :]

5/5.

Be My Escape. (15)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-21

"Grab hold of a paintbrush, my darling
Tint my essence with shades of delight"
`Woah. Youve nearly knocked me off my feet with these two lines. It sounds so much like a painting.. grabbing that paintbrush and making different shades of paint on the piece of paper, but thats not what this is about, it is used as a metaphor .. I was really impressed with these opening lines.. I'm very interesting and immediatly pulled into this piece.

"While bringing life to forgotten dreams
Are you ready to rebuild my faith in love?"
`I love this, someone coming into your life to not only bring life to those dreams that have been forgotten, but more.. rebuliding your faith and hope to love.

"Enclose my being when I've lost the will
Enable to continue through hardships"
`I love how you continue with this, and someone who you fall for you just want them to be perfect and give you that faith to love, and help you through hard times. Spoken so very well hun, and definatly the truth and its hat anyone would want in a relationship.. to have that one person that gives you that faith, and cares about you and provides their support.

"Unless I'm tangled in your tender aroma
Would your arms like to be my sanctuary?"
`..and WOW, what a great question! Worded perfectly :]

"Tempt my spirit to dance among beauty
Hypnotized by celestial splendor and glee
Releasing each worry waltzing with fantasy
Will your eyes allow me to be lost in paradise?"
`So beautiful.. you just want to fall in love, feel like youre dancing, and release all your worries, that feeling of being lost in paradise, amazing my dear.. that feeling makes you feel like youre on cloud nine. :]

"Engulf my core with the melody of laughter
Erasing doubt with each strum of your love
Instill bliss with lips I've so longed to kiss
Can I get high off the ecstasy of your smile?"
`This was a very strong, powerful stanza for me.. as I read it everything just flowed so smoothly and connected without any interuptions..I looove every word, I have no favorite word or line..

"Take my hand and we'll flee to happiness
For all I desire is you to be my only escape"
`This two lines say it all.. and connect back to your title perfectly..

Beautiful, Bliss.

5/5.

A Phrase of Praise. (9)
by Mr Darcy

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-21

"Swirling and curling like
Smoke from a pipe.
Up-lifting and drifting,
into leaves, fresh and bright."
`Great wording, the simile at the beginning really started the poem off well and had me interested immediatly. I can imagine someone twirling with the leaves that fall, they are happy..

"Orating, escaping,
Now free
with the birds.
A phrase of praise,
freed to be heard."
`You describe this very well, the word choice is flawless.. everything written very well.. "A phrase of praise freed to be heart." Loved how the title was inserted into this piece in a interesting way.

"Racing, quick-pacing,
upon the morn breeze.
A visionary mission;
only wishing to please"
`Wow Darcy.. your flow and consistant rhyme is great.. thats quite impressive to have the talent of being able to rhyme and have your flow be so flawless.. youve done so very well with this. Its beautiful the way the words are spoken in this piece.

"Prancing, advancing,
Words wind with the wind.
Towards - post aboard,
destination, my Kim."
`Oh, how cute. However, "words wind with the wind" - I didnt like that. wind and wind, maybe you meant wirl in the wind or wirl with the wind? I love how your destination is your love - perhaps.. your words speak such beauty!

"My cutie, my beauty,
sleeping safe and sound.
Through the window,
my words go.
My babe, they have found."
`Your ability to write like this amazes me beyond words. Another great stanza, smooth transitions from one stanza to the next.

"Words caress with finesse
to your unconscious mind.
Enveloping - developing;
sincerely defined."
`Wonderful.. your rhyming is def. not rushed.. and your word choice is phenomonal.. impressive.

"You utter a mutter
Now you have awoken
A timely reply
To the words
I had spoken."
`I really dont like how words is repeated so much in this poem, find a unique way to say it instead of being so repetitive with one word.. otherwise this poem holds great imagery.. its beautiful.<3

"Resounding, surrounding
my emotions for you.
A meaning
True feeling,
~ I Love You ~"
`Adorable ending, MIchael. You finally reach her and she awakes from her sleep, and the meaning and feeling of true love can be felt, and I love you is spoken.

My Dream Come True Is Only You (9)
by Zeenat

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-19

"Extended time has slowly passed by, leaving such confusion,
this consuming, fervent warmth I feel for you is no illusion."
`Strong ending, with a great flow and rhyme that isnt forced.. well done by the both of you. :]

"I have loved you forever each breathing day growing more,
A love so deep inside me, that it tickles and thrills my core."
`Oh so beautiful.. how love makes you feel, it tickles you within and makes you excited.

"Longing to be where I belong safely tucked in your loving arms,
Breathless I have become blessed with your heartrending charm."
`Yes yes, simply said but you definatly get the idea.. and can picture yourself as a reader in this position. So beautiful, and I love the charm part, I know me personally, I'm always attracted to someone's charm :]

"Whispers dance around my head, they sound so much like you,
Your gentle voice plays in my mind with lyrics that felt so true."
`I love the "Your gentle voice plays in my mind with lyrics that felt so true." - Literally when someone speaks so sweet and softly to you its almost like they are lyrics and they sound so gentle.. very beautiffful. <3

"Bumblebees hum in my stomach, every time I hear your name,
Loving cupid brought our hearts together with such a perfect aim."
`Yaay! Well done you two on using "Bumblebees hum" and NOT butterflies! Great job with changing it up and not making it cliche. :]

"I want to spend the rest of my life staring into your alluring eyes,
Take my hand on this day, I promise to kiss those tears goodbye."
`Oh gosh, adorableeee. :] This is gorgeous you two!

"You have walked right out of my dreams into my melancholy heart,
Mind wanting to let go yet deep inside I have been wishing to restart.
Mornings come as nights fall, you are all that my mind is thinking of,
Proudly I would shout out to the world you are the one I came to love."
`Great ending.. such a cute little love poem!

You both did well. :]
5/5.

Definition: Unsure (12)
by Valedico

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-18

Danny, Danny, Danny.. since you claim to be so proud of this piece, I will take the time out of my day to read it for you and comment. :]

Title - Well done, it does really attract someone's attention, I just havent got time to read it.. it's unique and I love it!

"Once again, I've come to a junction,
the end of a path,
the aftermath of a journey, alone,
And I'm rowing in a two man boat,
the horizon's no promise,
the currents are strong,
my arms feel so weak,
yet I'm rowing along,
dedicated to futility,
I'm just not that strong."
`I must say I wasnt too much liking the idea of having this ramble on and on in one sentence. I would have liked a few breaks if you could put some periods in here, however the disadvantage to doing that is interupting the flow, and we dont want that! Soo maybe youre better off keeping it the way it is, but just a suggestion to experiment if you wish to do so! :]
`I loved this first stanza! You do it in a way that's amazing. First you start out and you say youve come to a junction, so what do I think as a reader, a stop. So you go on and get even more specific, the end of the path, ect. ect.. just what we'd think of .. right? Yeep. The rest of the stanza was very well written as well, I dont physically think you are rowing a boat, but you put the words together because that's what it feels like to be coming to the end of a path, the aftermath of this journey, alone.. by yourself. It's tireding, you feel so much out of energy because supposivly its been a long ride.. you feel weak, and no longer stong. I adore this stanza.. woow Danny you went the extra mile with it. :]

"There's no force, no spirit that drives me,
no name whispered,
no sweet words etched in the back of my mind,
yet for once, I wish there was,
an outstretched hand,
or a smiling face,
beckoning me to a warmer place."
`I love how you took something and expanded on it even further. This weakness is very well described. You feel as though there is no spirit, no force, there is no strength basically. You are wishing for someone to stretch their hand out for you, and perhaps provide you with warmth and strength maybe even too! LOVED the word etched.. perfecto!

"(And if she wants the world,
she'll have the universe unfurled before her,
I can only ever do my best,
and if my best isn't good enough,
Then neither am I.)"
`Oh my gooosssh. Unfurled, first of all. Flawless word! I'm so impressed! Secondly, "I can only ever do my best, and if my best isn't good enough, then neither am I." - Wow well done! This quote was amaazzzing.


"A heart can jolt, can stumble, can shatter,
can bend, can break, yet it's never mattered.
For mine's unscathed.
Do the damage and make me feel
closure.
Make me feel."
`Your just an amazing poet, I tell you. One's heart can be all these things, but oh no.. yours is different.. its uninjured.

"(And if she wants nothing more,
than to be held before a pastel sunset,
she'll get nothing less,
and if that's not good enough,
then I've much to learn)"
`Another quote that I found to be one of a kind. "He'll get nothing less, and if that's not good enough, then I've much to learn."

"I've dreamt through the days,
I've slept through the nights.
I walk the world, anonymous."
`There was something about this stanza that was amazing.. not sure what but I'm just speechless! You write some unique poems. :] This was sort of sad though, you walk the world ananymous, maybe meaning nobody really knew you? I dont know, thats kind of sad.

"I want to dedicate my words, not just to me,
my words are snowflakes on a wilting tree,
purpose; abstract
definition; unsure
give me a reason to row to the shore. "
`Oh my goooosssh. "My words are snowflakes on a wilting tree." And your rhyming at the beginning blew me away as well. Geez Danny.. you are original! The rest of the stanza was definatly your own and I'm proud of you!

:]
Definatly deserves a 5. I'm just in awe of this beautiful piece youve penned. I'm so glad I took the time out of my day to read! You should be PROUD and I'm glad you are of this piece!

5/5.
*Nominating.*

Web of Infatuation. (9)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-12

Title: What a great choice, it really pulls the reader in so quickly.. you cant even resist this poem. The title is amazing.

"Submerged in immaculate hazel eyes
Without any desire of being rescued"
`This is really pretty, and your words are great. Submerged and rescued tie together nicely and everything is very well written. Flawless.

"Drowning into the mysterious beauty
Wishing to glimmer in your essence"
`I love this hun! I love the word choice.. drowning was great, the feeling of absorbing their beauty and getting lost in it instantly, you described that feeling great!

"Paddling bolding upstream...releasing daydreams"
`I really adored this line, it really connected with your first stanza in a way. Well done.

"Tangled in the splendor of your smile
Deserting the cruel bitterness of reality"
`Your word choice is great, and now I love how youre getting into more description, in specific, the smile is what you have become "submerged into" as well.. not just the eyes. Youve really took a scene and injected a lot of talent and great word choice into it so that it sounds original and soo interesting, rather than it being dull and cliche, I love that about your poems.. you make it so enjoyable.

"To lastly savor your forbidden nectar
Riding the passionate wave of your kiss"
`Ahhh.. so sweet and amazing. "Riding the passionate wave of your kiss." :] This was very original!

"Luring me in with a twist...difficult to resist"
`I loved the little rhyme here.. twist and resist, great job (:

"Hypnotized by your enticing aroma
Painting images of love in my mind"
`Oooo danng I love this! Your word choice is literally getting me tangled in it like a web. I love how now everything is really beginning to fit the title amazingly. Your words you use - you can tell this person is infatuated deeply. They are hypnotized by this person's aroma, submerged in their hazel eyes, and tangled in the splendor of their smile. It's definatly a "web of infatuation" your title is perfect for this piece!

"Tempted to disappear in those arms
As each vile worry escapes my spirit"
`Youve hit this perfectly.. just wooow.

"Drunk off your cologne...spiraling in a cyclone"
`Loooove it! The rhyming is great and it really helps the flow. :]

"Tousled in your witty web of infatuation
Brought on by the sweetest of flirtation"
`So very well said in a few lines..


Perfectly written.
I'm truly amazed by this piece.
I really enjoyed this, I must say it's better than your last one.
I love this new style of yours, it really works to your advantage, you make the most beautiful poems when you use this style.

Keep it up.
Well done as always.
5/5.

Vagrant Nights (5)
by Valedico

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-08

"The city's lights are jolting vision,
starlight blurred under tired skies,
and down a bustling sidewalk,
full of jeers, and liquid cries.
I walk alone."
`Absolutely perfectly said Danny. I could picture this setting so vividly. A tired sky makes me think of a dark sky, droopy, it's late at night. Bustling sidewalk makes me think of a busy sidewalk, however youre the only one there. Liquid cries really was so well said. Liquid and cries compliment eachother. Liquid as in the tears.. making you think of someone crying - -you really did a great job with this stanza.. I was really impressed how the words really gave you that alone feeling as well, as we imagined someone walking alone during the night hours.

"Alone; I treat the midnight roads,
like a flurried, metallic death zone,
I am alone.
(Subtract the masses of smiling clones)
It's that solemn single moment
when you feel things can't be worse,
yet the embrace of bedclothes makes all the difference.
Sleep-drifting through the night,
aware of their relative stares.
They've felt like this too,
like me,
like you."
`(Subtract the masses of smiling clones) - At first I couldn't really make sense of this but now I think I understand it. You are alone, therefore sad, so anyone smiling (perhaps many are smiling - hence the word clone) -so you are trying to eliminate all that happiness, because you dont feel happy?
This stanza was flawlessly written too, a lot of people feel this loneliness feeling, and they feel like nothing in the world can be worse.

"The softest touch brushes like a slap,
and just like that,
things start to move fast,
voices become clear,
the cold air bites,
and I realise I'm here,
I'm where I'm meant to be,
and I'd rather the tender sheets,
put me to sleep,
than spend another moment counting sheep.
One...two...three.
I dream."
`I like this, not sure if I interpreted it correctly but.. like.. youre really alone yet you wish you were dreaming that it wasnt real? I dont know.. I love how you worded this though.. interesting.

I love how your poems make me think regardless of if I interpret them correctly or not.

Flawlessly written.
Your title really caught my eye.

5/5.

Perfect in Weakness. (7)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-07

Well hun, I will not go into a deep critique, but I will tell you some things. First of all, I like the new style it was odd to see a brand new style coming from you yet it worked to your advantage and poem flowed beautifully.

I really hope this wasnt true, or inspired by real sadness.. I just cant see you being sad..and dont want you to be sad.

I will be completely honest and not lie to you, but I do not believe this was your best poem.. it just did not match up to your regular standards and what I have read from you in the past. It was a really great poem and the vocabulary was simple and easy to comprehend, yet.. I dont know, it just seems like it isnt the best piece youve written.. it didnt blow me away this time, I didn't really get that "WOW" factor, at least not as big as it usually is.

The title was great though, and it fit the poem nicely. I loved how it was incorporated in the end of poem, it was perfect for the ending and it was inserted in the correct place.

I still think this is a great piece of poetry, but I know it isnt your best and doesnt match your other poems and how extremely great they are.

Maybe its just the new style that took me for a loop, I don't know what it is.. but I wasn't as blown away with this one.

5/5

Infatuation (9)
by Mr Darcy

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-04

Title: Oh, infatuation. :] I'm interested to see what you can come up with here.

Stanza One:
"The morning sun was bright and the air possessed an icy bite"
`I loved this.. it was so unique.. the "possessed an icy bite" part, almost makes me shiver, because I can imagine a winter day and how chilly it can be almost the temperature of an ice cube or something. I love how you talk in this stanza, its something so unique.. like I can actually hear you saying it.

Second Stanza:
"Innocent and aimlessly I meandered along,"
`I must stop and applaud you for using such a word that is rarely used.. meandered, I love that word and it's nice to see someone actually used it. I love your word choice is flawless Darcy!

"Suddenly my breath was taken and my heart pounded hard and fast."
`Oh, I love it! Youre walking along so slowly and all of a sudden some girl takes your breath away.. she must be beautiful. :]
`Another comment, I must say your imagery is amazing not only can I picture this so vividly through your words but I can also picture myself in the position as well, it is penned so perfectly.

Stanza Three:
"her shimmering splendour radiating a beauty, both surreal and blinding"
`"Shimmering splendour" - Great alliteration, so beautiful!
`Secondly, your words here are amazing and so descriptive, very impressive!
" felt paralysed, for I had never in all of my life beheld such a heavenly sight."
`*Mouth hangs open* Did you just say paralysed? I love this word! Wow, it holds so much meaning. You are almost like a statue, and you cant move because you are mesmorized by this girls beauty.. awwwh.

Stanza Four:
"Child like infatuation of another possessed me and so I had to meet this vision."
`I love how you said "Child like infatuation" because really when you think of infatuation it's some little thing that young girls and boys deal with is infatuation.. they are infatuated, and not in love.
"Her cherubic face was flawless, surrounded by a hood of vibrant pink, edged with the softest fur. "
`This was just amazing.. I can picture this girl so so so so vividly, your description was amazing.. the words were perfect.

Stanza Five:
"Cherished was this moment and I intended to capture it for all eternity."
`Perfectly written, indeed. A moment so special is one that youll always remember for the rest of your life.. and this one couldnt have been anything different, it would be engraved in your mind forever.. a lasting memory.
"briefest of moments our lips touched and world and I shuddered."
`I loved the originality behind "and the world and I shuddered." The world and you basically stopped as you experienced this moment deeply.

Stanza Six:
"Her wispy blonde hair gently danced in the chilling breeze as we walked side by side. "
`Oh, isnt this beautiful. So descriptive, your words painted the clearest image in my mind yet again. Loved the hair dancing in the breeze part, very well done. I can imagine two people walking side by side so close.

Stanza Seven:
"Own this memory; keep this moment safe, for they are rare, like a shooting star, or a child's first words, first steps"
`The similies used here are amazing. The shooting star one isnt as unique, but the childs first words, first steps was outstanding.
"would remain a heartbeat on feathered wings always. "
`Simply STUNNING!!

Stanza Eight:
`Amazingly written, wow I'm just in awe of what this stanza said. It was so powerful and oh so true.. definatly the truth to say the least.. youve really hit the major points within this stanza..

I love how the first word of each stanza spelled something out [a sentence].. so fitting and so amazing.. you have sooo much talent to write this poem and have a neat little unique thing that makes the piece even better.

What inspired this piece, just a 30-second moment you witnessed, so unique and interesting how your mind works and how you turned it into a poem about infatuation.

Wonderful. I'm just in awe.
If I have a vote, I'm nominating this.

Well done Darcy!
5/5.

Eye spy (Image contest) (11)
by Mr Darcy

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-04

"...Stillness

Coloured coral concealing, not revealing...yet
Patience endures...un-blinking...barely beating."
`I love the way that this poem is layed out, the style is unique and interesting to say the least.. its something new.
`What a flawless picture to write a poem off of.
`Anyways, your first stanza here was amazing, your words are flawless and everything is well penned. I have no words, its just amazing how your mind works from a simple image.

"...hush

Buoyant, silent storm, mentally pacing...bracing.
Preened evolution, honed to the muscular bone."
`Oh wow. This is almost like a suspenseful poem! Now a storm is coming? Your words here are just mindblowing, like wow.. I'm impressed at the vocabularly.

"...slowly

...ever so carefully, moving, approving
what the eye becomes alive for, survives for.."
`I love how the word "slowly" portrays to the stanzas so perfectly.. also with the words above and theirs tanzas.. Its amazing how you can take a image and write something like this.. I love how this is suspenseful, makes me wnat to know what will happen next for sure.. got me on the edge of my seat!

"...not long now

the suspense of imminent death on baited breath
threatens to stain waters too clear for fear, perhaps?"
`I dont know what it is about your writing but it so unique.. there was something that really stood out to me.. "to stain waters too clear for fear, perhaps?" - just wow, youve left me speechless.. I cant believe you came up with something so clever. I'm amazed.

"...Suspense

...a spectator, a prying rubber aviator.
Shadows akin with quest, investing, no resting"
`Ahh perfect, I can see this from the image, the spectator would be the scuba diver or whatever he is? Am I correct? I'm terrible at interpreting poetry. :/

"Attack!!!

In a cloud of calculation, blood and crustaceans
...nature tears its jagged grin of vice like pearly sin.."
`.. and the suspense is finally over. Your words are so complex and interesting that I think I got lost in them.. the meaning of the poem is probably far from what I'm interpreting.. but nonetheless, a interesting piece.. your imagination is just ... there really isnt a word for it.. but its unlike anyone's imagination I've ever seen.

".....hush

Waters calm the reef like a medicinal balm,
Soothing the fight of natures bite."
`Ohhh.. nature attacked? Okay, wow. This piece was above and beyond my interpretation or comprehension, whatever you wanna call it.. but the way everything was worded was so amazing and how used an image and brought it to life with your own originality was very impressive to say the least.

I love how the word "stillness" and "hush" repeated.. amazingly done.

Well done.
Unique write full of orignality.
Definatly deserved to win & I'm glad to see it did.

5/5.

Backstabber (9)
by Ingrid de K

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-04

Of course we all have friends in life who we've known for a long time and they end up stabbing us in the back..it's painful and its something we least expect. I know its like to look back in the messages youve got from them, and it brings even more pain knowing how things used to be and how things are now. Your piece here flowed so smoothly Ingrid and had a lot of emotion in it. I can feel your sadness, and I'm sure many could relate to having a good friend of theirs stab them in the back. The unexpected happens in life, but we have to deal with it and move on. I hope as time goes on you heal from this, afterall you dont need friends who are going to be cruel and mean to you and do things to upset you.. I'm sure you have several other friends who are not like that and are there for you, and dont stab you in the back and are loyal friends.

Wonderful piece.
I could feel your emotion flowing through every word.

5/5.

Terpsichore (5)
by Valedico

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-03

Title: It really draws the reader in because its so interesting and unique, I'm not positive what the word means but I hope your poem will answer that for me. :]

Stanza 1:
"Ponder our life's worth, in perpetual darkness,
stumbling and fumbling over littered dreams,
picking up every piece to find there's no picture.

Oh, it's all just litter."
`What a unique way to express feelings and such. Your word chocie was great and very expressive. I loved your second line mostly, because I found it to be the most powerful in my eyes. The meaning and message behind your words are amazing.. basically here, how I interpreted it.. is as we go through our lives, we stumble across dreams that arent reality, and some become shattered, and are left as "pieces" that dont fit together ina picture that makes any sense, the meaning behind these dreams are understandable at times.. why some dreams are shattered? I like this stanza, it was interesting to interpret trhough my eyes.

"Catch a glimpse of the sun rising and fading,
capture the moment, but forget the feeling,
and clarity becomes a distorted haze.

Oh, how, the memory fades."
`This stanza was so strong, your word choice was flawles.. this metaphor was great Danny. A memory fading is like the sun rising and falling, you capture a slight glimpse of it and you remember it vividly, yet you remember the image more than how you feel? So true when it comes to memories, I think we pay attention more to what happened and how special it was rather than how it made us felt.

"This silent earth composes secrets,
for naive folk with minds, they're spinning,
and to unyielding purpose, they dedicate.

Oh, no answers await."
`Your word choice is really intriguing and impresive. This stanza I cant really describe how I interpreted it.. it was just interesting all in one.

"Pain and passion pushes through veins,
we've enough power to eradicate,
yet we sit alone, in confined homes.

Oh, we're all together but so alone."
`We've all been in pain, and we do feel alone at the time.. however we dont really come to think that yes, others are experiencing pain too, and even though we are alone, with no one beside us physically, really we arent.. because others feel the exact same emotions and pain as well.

"The pulse of the world - a tapping,
the wind's; the ocean's sweet tune,
an everlasting, celestial tone

Oh, but how our hearts drone on."
`I like how this was worded, I actually found it to be quite relaxing.. just the words you used.. like for example the wind, the oceans sweet tune, I can imagine myself listening to the beautiful sound of the waves, the ocean, your usage of sweet tune really brought this to life, it felt so relaxing.

"Just eat, and sleep, and wake again,
and when the end looks nigh, pray again,
god dusts his hands, he's failed again.

Oh, how and when will we end? "
`Uhm, I dont know if I like how every line ended with begin, but wow what a impressive eending this was.. couldnt have said it better myself.

This piece truly deserves a nomination.
I'm just in awe, what a interesting piece.
5/5.

Noise (6)
by Valedico

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-01

Woah, your formats have been so interesting lately. This may give me a headache.. cause it's a big long paragraph, haha.. but Ill try reading it. :]

"Silence hushes moonlight skies, and breathy breezes through titanic towering trees standing embedded in mossy greens,"
`Breathy breezes? I didnt think this is worded correctly.. maybe check that over. Otherwise everything else was amazing and powerful, your words are full of descriptiveness and lots of imagery. Beautifully written, I loved how you said the trees were towering and were embedded into the mossy greens.. wow.. unique and flawlessly put.

"and earthy browns as the insects dig, dig away, burrowing deep, as leaves scatter and scurry across tarmac roads, sweeping under roaring engines, and gargling motors, spewing grey smog into a cloudless skyline."
`Wow your imagery is amazing! The word choice you have here is perfect and every line flows into the next with ease. Amazingly written Danny... so very impressive to have your words hold imagery like this.

"Harmonies of tranquil rivers or the roar of a magnificent sea, brown putrid water swirls against polluted sands. Noise."
`Yucky.. brown putrid water.. youve def. created very vivid images in my mind.. I honestly feel like I'm standing where you are writing a poem about this scenery and or/ image that you see before you.

"Foamed froth forming over tarnished pebbles. Sit. Humming of radiators warming our toes, whirring and clattering of dishwasher idleness. Outside is occupied with sidewalk trash talking fist flailing delinquents, filling the air with scowls and stadium crescendos of public houses as another man kicks a ball into a net. Noise."
`All of this is so original, very unique Danny. Ever word was unique in its own very way. I don't know what I can tell you.. but your imagination is just absoultely unbelieveable. I love the repetition of noise, that definatly adds to this piece.

"
Sweet music, sweet melody, sweet nothingness clouding around as I rest my head against a grassy cushion, away from the manmade musicians, all humming the same tones, same drones, every day, every night. Noise."
`Oh beautfiul.. it seems so so comfortable. Resting your head upon the grass.. or in other words "grassy cushion" yay! I can just feel how comfortable this would be through your words.

Wonderful write..
very very impressive.
5/5.

Don't Pursue; It Will Find You. (16)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-28

"Heart left cold
Seeking affection
To use as blanket of warmth

Ignite a gentle fire...take me higher."
`First off, I'd love to say I'm really liking the change in your style.. I like change and its always a great challenge, I'm happy to see that you have changed it up a bit lately.
`Secondly, wonderful opening stanza.. couldnt be more perfect. Words were flawless and connected together amazingly. I loved how you said that you were seeking affection as if in a form of a blanket to provide warmth.. So unique!

"Tales of endless love
Linger softly as a melody
Repeating as an echo in my ears

Change the station...soul's cremation."
`Each line connects to the one above it.. hun this piece is flawless.. and your words make so much sense to me.. couldnt have written it better myself.
- - I love this new style of yours a lot, and its consistant. The single line you put after each stanza connects back to the entire meaning of that stanza.. youre doing an amazing job!

"Charming sprits with
Plastered deceiving smiles
Tempt to embezzle innocence

Creep like a thief...exposing faded belief."
`Ooo, perfeccct. Your words are just so amazing... I'm jealous. I wish I had your talent..

"In need of clarity glasses
To counter the crippling blindness
Evoked by a hint of hope for devotion

Illusions of the mind...shattered dreams unwind."
`Clarity glasses connects with blindness so very well, wow your words are flawless and I swear they connect like little puzzle pieces.

"Always believing the void
Apparent in her yearning soul
Could only be satisfied by his love

Lessons through sorrow...unveil a new tomorrow."
`This is offically a masterpiece, amazing write.. so easy to comprehend and see the meaning of each and every word.

"A heart simply cannot be completed
By another, but must foremost attempt to be
Whole, in order to unleash unconditional fondness

Stitched pieces of a broken heart...never whole from the start"
`I love this, it kind of states your opinion.. "A heart cannot be completed by another." That's amazing it expresses your beliefs, and opinion very clearly. Your words express the truth, hun. :] Especially.. "..but foremost attempt to be whole, in order to unleash unconditional fondness." Yaaay! Amazingly written.. I'm impressed. I loved how you used the word foremost, that actually does help with the flow more, its a transition and it works beautifully with your words.

"Tripping in a quest for love
With bleeding eyes yet a smile
Finally educated a willing essence

Don't pursue; it will find you."
`This piece was full to the brim of emotions, almost overflowing.. you couldnt have said the last line any better.. and I loved how you kept that line til the end, it really hits the reader and wows them.. the central message of the piece at the end was a wonderful idea.

Well done.
5/5 :]

I Needed You. (12)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-28

"When broken promises were tainted with false dreams
Nightmares scripted with your name torn at the seams
Naive eyes still in pursuit of once illuminating gleam

I needed you."
`Can you say AMAZING? Expressed amazingly! I love the "I needed you" that really adds to the poem.. your rhyming is flawless... soo smooth, wonderful choice of words.. they flow together so nicely.. and the rhyming is def. not forced. I applaud you. :]

"When lingering nights were never-ending and bleak
And my yearning heart misplaced the vitality to speak
Unspoken desires escaped firm lips as a chilling shriek

I needed you."
`Awh, your emotions are so vivid here, definatly a sad write.. but expressing feelings can be a nice therepautic release for some. So I'm sure this felt so good to write and release some of those emotions that were so deeply engraved in your heart that were hard to let out.. but once one emotion comes out, it all flows beautifully. Youve done well.. the repetition of "I needed you" really made this piece.

"Reach for my fingers now, they'll flee your affection
For needing another solely leads to spineless infection
How does it feel sweetie, to be shot at with rejection?

I needed you?"
`Ouch, rejection. Nobody ever likes to be rejected. :/ Your emotions can be clearly seen and felt. Amazing. Your repetition is reallly paying off. Your flow is beautiful. Your words are so perfect as well, it really takes a lot for a writer to make the words fit the emotion and feeling in the poem and youve done such a nice job with that.

"Lastly slipped on the courage once blinded by your game
Taste these sweet bullets happily carved with your name
You crafted a safety net with web of lies now gone in flame

I needed you,
So I could find me."
`Rhyming couldnt have been better, it takes skill to make everything flow and not be forced. I love this new style of yours, it's unique and original.. and I'm really enjoying it myself. This last stanza and the following two lines.. just made me go WOW. Your words are so lively, and expressed so well... I'm just amazed.

Another masterpiece.
5/5.

Forget the Risk and Take the Fall. (6)
by Blissful

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-28

Let me start off by saying, your title is a very popular and common phrase heard many many times. I was very drawn in to this piece and couldnt wait to read it because of the title.. I'm interested to see how you can make this commonly used phrase into a masterpiece of poetry.

"Like brittle autumn leaves
Tinted with shades of ginger
Letting go of their sheltered branch
Joyfully swaying to the vibrant earth
I fell for you."
`I'm never good with smilies, nor metaphors, but you are great at them. Loved the word choice, not that this is a nature poem but your references to things in nature fit this poem beautifully. I loved how these things tied in with the whole meaning of love and whatnot.

"Like abstract snowflakes
Scripted with an eternal fairytale
Travel purely with the arctic breeze
Kissing a carpet of white as it nestles
I fell for you."
`Wow, your words just flow so smooth. I love this whole incorporting nature into this piece.. yet thats not entirely what the poem is about. Very vivid images to portray such meaning through your words. I loveeee your style, and repeitition.

"Like a hopeless teardrop
Devastating tainted crystal eyes
Ignoring each lie and false promise
Trickle down soft cheeks staining lips
I fell for you."
`Flawless word choice, I must say however, I loved the "staining lips".. its very unique because you always hear the whole "staining my cheeks" line.. but girl you flipped it around this time..youve got talent, and youre wonderful. :]

"Deserting all uncertainty
With a blissful smile glowing
And a dream blossoming in my eyes
Lastly unbolting the rusted lock on my heart"
`The last line of this stanza made this poem amazing. I adored it! Ahhh! You fell for him, and now youre unlocking the rusted lock to your heart, in which now you hope he catches you.

Last two lines... woow. This guy better catch this amazing girl [you]. :]

5/5.

Consuming Darkness (19)
by Hardly Matters Now

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-27

"Darkness falls upon my eyes, attacking my vision"
`Your word choice is amazing.. attacking caught me off guard, but in a good way. I was really impressed to see such a great word used. Perfectly written.

"While I gaze through a diminutive and vaporous window"
`Word choice is flawless.. very descriptive and very vivid. Well done.

"Driving through these abandoned and forlorn streets
Further into the seduction of this suffocating darkness"
`Wonderfuuuul. Your word choice is flawless.. I loved how you said the window and then said youre actually driving, because I assumed you were just looking out of your house.. but no youre driving. :] If you didnt put that in, then it would be very confusing so I'm glad you did.
`I have a issue though, you used darkness at the end of this stanza and you also used it to begin the stanza.. try to come up with a different word that sounds better. Your first darkness to start the stanza you can leave, but change the second one. :]

"Trees dancing to the rhythm of the howling wind
Struggle to sense what takes refuge within the dark"
`I loved how you said the trees were dancing to the rhythm of the howling wind, very descriptive and full of tons of imagery. However, again, you are telling us it's dark outside.. I think by the third time we understand its dark. Its Unnecessary to repeat it again.

"Behind the deceptive shadows of the colossal trees
Beneath the vengeful moon that refuses to shine tonight"
`Your words are just flawless.. youre leaving me speechless. They are so descriptive and portray some very vivid images.. This poem is overflowing with imagery.. I'm quite impressed and your flow.. theres nothing I can see wrong with it.. youre a wonderful writer. :]

"And for a short moment I wasn't deceived by mendacity"
`I think you can take out and.. and it still sounds okay.

"But the darkness promptly blinded me of my vision"
`Ah, I dont know if I was really a fan of the ending line.. I mean it does sum it up and everything.. but I dont know if thats the appropriate ending or not. Hmm, this is tough.. I don't knwo what I would change it to if it were my poem.. maybe try rewording this so that it doesnt sound like your first stanza.. I dont really exactly know how but it sounds similar to your first stanza in a way. I think you just need to reword the line is all.

Otherwise, wow.
Impressive piece.
Full of imagery.
Flawless wordchoice.

:]
5/5.

Comfort in Darkness (4)
by Grace

commented by T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-24

"Daybreak peers between the tall oak trees.
They have grown old through the years,"
`What a great way to start the poem with a tint of imagery, easily described.. and a little imagery. Couldnt be better.

"Now covered in a comforting coat of moss,
Towering above her and the surrounding meadow."
`I adored your word choice here, Brittney. Comforting was amazingly inserted as well as towering.. youre blowing me away with your word usage. Wonderfully written, I'm very impressed. :]

"Clovers and plush grass cushion her resting head,
Enabling her to drift away to her favorite place,"
`WOW! Again your word choice is superb! Youve literally blown me away. I loved it.. you can almost picture this as a reader, how delicate the grass is.. how it is almost like a pillow to cushion your head.. and its so comfortable that it leads you to drift off to your favorite place. :]

"A time where the daybreak filled her heart,
The with most piercing warmth of the sun."
`Word choice.. is flawless. I'm soaking in every word as they flow so smoothly together.

"For no longer does the sun shine in her life.
It hides behind the raining clouds of the past,"
`Awwwh I didnt want the mood to change! But I understand where youre coming from.. the sun shined in the past.. but now its kind of gone and hidden.. for the happiness isnt really there much anymore, and its been replaced with saddness.

"Tormenting her with every flicker of warmth,
But it is all just an illusion, forever eclipsed."
`I think tormenting and flicker were both amazing words.. however.. warmth.. you just sad that above not very long ago.. I was hoping youd use a different word... or synoymn.

"With the absence of this warmth her nights grow cold,"
`Youve repeated it yet again. Maybe do something like..
"With the absence of heat, her nights grow cold." - Just a suggestion?

"Causing her thin bones to shiver amongst the twilight."
`I like it.. well done. ;]

"For the new moon provides little comfort,
Only a beacon of light in this epic darkness."
`Flawless! I cant tell you how proud of you I am.. this piece is one of the best Ive seen you write EVER.. and I seriously mean that. :]

"Yet each night she looks to this new moon,
With the absence of the sun it has grown more needed."
`Hmm.. not sure about this and I dont know why.. but its basically using the same words as you used in the above line....

"With the absence of this warmth her nights grow cold,"

..You coulda maybe switched a few words up and put in some synoymns or made it different.. idk. I know the meaning isnt nearly the same yet.. the same words are being used and its notiacable.

"Is a reflection of that of the sun.

So when the sun breaks through the sky,"
`The word sun has appeared to close together.. not only in these two lines but also a line or two above these.. try rewording and be careful to not repeat words..

"Awakening her dreaming soul to the horror of reality,
She cries, wishing she could sleep forever,
In this beautiful place with you by her side once more."
`Your ending is very amazing. Quite sad, but wow youve hit this one perfectly.

Well done.
There were somethings I didnt quite like, but overall I was pretty impressed.

Loved it.
5/5.

Not Good Enough For Truth or Cliche. (26)
by Composed Catastrophe

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-14

Title - I was really amused by your title, I just wanted to jump into your poem but had others to comment before yours, loll. But here and I am and ready to read :] Yaay!

"So the inevitable happened, you faded into another usual mistake."
`Okay, wow. For one, what a mind-blowing way to start a piece. The way you worded this was just superb, inevitable - well done my dear. Great vocabulary, I'm already enjoying your word choice! :] Great opening line, youve interested me more than I can even tell you.

"What was said that time though, just makes my emotions ache."
`Wow, I'm just totally speechless. I have never heard of something so unique to say.. "my emotions ache" never in my life, have I heard that.. youve really outdone yourself here.

"Words jumped anxiously from your lips, it was time to execute my heart."
`I really don't have the words, your word choice is flawless, and inserted perfectly. Anxiously was perfect.. and jumped.. they fit together absolutely perfectly! :] Well done.. woow. I'm lost within your words.

"Ok. I got it. Compose my face, here I go. One..two..three."
`Your poem is soooo intriguing! Woow. I love how you kidn of take us into the mind of the writer.. and what they were thinking or whatever at the time.. like wow. Youve just pinpointed this perfectly. I'm in awe. Really, youve left me speechless.

"An undecipherable grin imposes on his gathered face and is maintained."
`Not only did this line overflow with great word choice but it also kind of gave the poem a nice little uniqueness to it. As I read the first line of this stanza, then the second.. they rhymed perfectly, and it really stood out to me, because your other lines havent.

"He twisted his body around, I embraced my heart for a cruel departure."
`Adored this line immensely. You saw what was coming, so to be ready for it, you EMBRACED your heart for the departure you were about to make. Wow, girl. Embraced? Ahh I love this piece!

"Give me a little credit though! It isn't as easy as it seems, loving a ghost."
`Oh goodness, I loved this! How you talk in your point of view.. amazzzzinng. Unique poem, wow. Loving someone who never even exsisted, almost like a ghost, perfect comparision right there. :]

"I want you just to say it: I'm not good enough for truth or cliche."
`WOOOW! Loved it, this line just says it all. AMAZING work, youve officially blown me away.

I have no words, you have written a masterpiece. Best poem Ive read thus far for my Free Comment thread.

5/5.

Arms of My Angel (shortened) (11)
by Steven Topaz

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-07

"My thoughts become strangled..
And all I see is who I could really be.."
`Okay, I think you could take your dots out and replace them with a better puncuation maybe a period or comma wherever it fits best. I think that with the proper puncuation your poem would flow flawlessly. I think your word choice was great though, esp. strangling.. I dont hear that that often!

"In the Arms of my Angel,
I see where my noose had dangled..
And what all the pain did to me.."
`Uncapitolize Arms and Angel.. theres no reason for them to be captiolized. Secondly, again.. the dots replace with proper puncuation [comma or period] whatever fits best.

"Through the Tears of my Angel,"
`Uncapitolize Tears and Angel
`I liked how you switched it up, the first line of the first and second stanzas were the same.. yet you changed it up so it wasnt too repetitive.

"And through the Tears of my Angel,
She Say's that her noose had dangled,
From the Balcony where you met me.."
`I like the similarity of this stanza with the second stanza.. unique.
`Uncapitolize Tears, Angel, Say's, and Balcony.

"With the Hand of my Angel,
Our hands become tangled..
I find scars of what she was before me.."
`Uncapitolize Hand, Angel
`I dont like the usage of the word tangled maybe intertwined, tangled doesnt fit well with this sentence.
`Wasnt much a fan of the dots again, replace with commas or periods.

"I hold the Heart of my Angel,
It's so scarred and mangled,
At the lightest touch she can barely breathe, "
`Great work, great wording.. probably your best stanza if I had to pick my favorite.

An overall okay write.
Grammatical issues.
Ill give you a 4/5.

Cancerous Religion (7)
by Lauren

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-07

Great title, very eyecatching and unique.

"Death looms in the air,"
`I loved your word choice here.. looms was inserted perfectly. Well done.

"Horrible people live,
While loving ones die."
`Loved these lines and it goes with the quote that bad things happen to good people. So very true, and I agree completely with your statement here.

"Dow you flip a coin,"
`It should be do not dow

"These questions loom in my mind,"
`I think you could of came up with a different word, maybe use a synoynm for loom since you already used it above.. challenge yourself to use new vocabulary.

Your flow was decent, I thought you did a good job with keeping the reader's attention throughout the entire poem.

5/5

Or Not (2)
by andhereIstand

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-07

Your style of writing is unique, I guess thats the only good thing I see in it. But there's no flow in your poems, so theres not much I can really say. The flow needs to be tweaked and improved, you have some issues with your words they didnt show up correctly which isnt your fault but the reader cannot read what it's supposed to say, I think that again.. the main thing you can do is make your lines the same length.. otherwise I dont see how youre going to make it flow. Hm. This wasnt my favorite, sorry. Dont mean to sound harsh or bash your poem at all.. but I think it needs improvement.. Your thinking is very unique and original though, thank you for sharing your thoughts..

Wide Awake Road (8)
by Lonely Rider

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-05

"Tentative silhouettes
prancing alongside,
blurring mist of deceit
blindfolding sight."
`Absolutely flawless word choice, very descriptive. Especially loved your line.. "prancing alongside.." Wonderful. Prancing was perfect.

"Tangled vines of failure
creeping ahead,
scheming to topple
from path you tread."
`I loved these lines.. its so true.. in life you go down a path and you have thoughts of failure creeping up on you. Loved the word choice again, woow. Flawless. [Lets hope I interpreted that right, lol.]

"Discarding the veil on
unfaltering faith,
buoyant rays will reveal
destiny's gate."
`Amazingly written, again. Wow youre leaving me speechless. I have no words.. your word choice is just perfect.

"Ride on conviction
to mellow dreams abode,
across the no-where land
awaits, wide awake road."
`Amazing rhyme. Flow was great throughout. Hm, just wonderful. Loved the ending here. These dreams lead you to a wide open road. Loved the usage of the word awake instead of open like I said.

:]
Well done.
Deserves a nomination.

5/5

A Tale of Two Hearts. (10)
by Blissful

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-28

"Seeking devotion a faded heart can`t seem to find
Scorned by loves fiery flame`s leaving lovers blind"
`I really love this poem because the words are simple and not complex, your rhyme scheme is simple and the flow is flawless.. okay.. these lines were well done.. I loved the simplicity of the words... I liked the usage of the word seeking, it isnt as overused as oh... maybe looking? :] Well done on using something different that isnt as overused..

"Wandering this vast world seeking a hint of hope
Who will heal their heartbreak and aid them to cope?"
`Again, simple wording yet.. you have a variety of words which is great..the only thing I did not like was how you used seeking again.. I think that you could have maybe came up with a different word for that.. but otherwise everything was said perfectly and fit together very nicely.

"Two souls haunted by shadows of shattered dreams
Lock longing eyes while cleansing ache with gleam
Approaching tentatively but with confident strides
Fusion of desires and passion attract then collide"
`This was beautiful. The two find eachother and lock eyes and walk towards one another. I really loved the last line.. I just loved how you said that desires and passion collided.. I thought that was a bit original.. great phrase! :] Your adjectives are beautiful as well and soo fitting, [ex. confident strides ] well done hun.

"Embracing love`s promise; gaining wisdom from sorrow
Joyful smiles erupt for beyond there`s a new tomorrow
Two hearts forgotten the lyrics to love`s sweet melody
Now strut with life in their eyes singing for all to see"
`Another flawless stanza written with pure beauty and love. What a beautiful piece this turned out to be.. its a very simple piece yet you brought the beauty in this piece to life through your words.

Well done hun, I was quite impressed with this piece. You did a flawless job with the flow and your words were simple and easy to comprehend.

5/5.

Her I Love Yous (17)
by Mysterious Charmer

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-28

"Ah..I love you
So sweet, so beautiful, so comforting,
love's suppose to feel that way..right?"
`I love your point of view here! I always love when the writer talks in their point of view it takes you into their mind and emotions that much more and its so much more enjoyable. What a easy start this is.. I loved it... I think the question was great.. and you described how love should be perfectly.. great adjectives.. Word choice is flawless.

"At least that's what my thoughts were
Until..I met her
A devil in red heels"
`Loved these lines.. the mood changes instantly from sweet love to maybe not so much.. a devil in red heels, couldnt have said it any better there. Someone girl is wicked evil..

"She was..
Devious..scandalous..promiscuous..
Spreading these words like,
an infectious disease"
`Oh goodness! Your word choice is FLAWLESS without a doubt. I loved how you described her and put ... between each.. its like a pause and it worked sooo nicely and smooth.. loved the simile at the end.. like an infectionous disease.. this just blew me away.. well done!

"But I loved her
Until my passion for her
..destroyed me"
`and this is when I say ouch :/ Destroyed was perfect to describe this.

"Piece by piece
I love you after I love you
She purposely tore at me
Her poisonous words turned to bullets,
shooting from her tainted lips"
`Woww just as I just said.. OUCH. I adored this stanza however, I found a lot of originality in it.. her poisonous words turned to bullets that were shooting from her tained lips... woow Charmer youre leaving me speechless.. your words are mindblowing.

"
10 shots!
Each one just slightly missing my heart
Then she caught me off-guard
Humph! Lucky number 11..
..you can guess where that one went
Yup! Right through the heart"
`Speechless....

"
As I watched a smirk attack her face,
like a rabid dog on a box of kittens"
`Wow literally your similes are the best.. I could never think of something so original and unique..

Last few stanzas were perfect.. that last I love you just about killed you.. I loved how you turned this into your own piece. Her I Love Yous and the effect it made on you, how she was so decivious and everytime hse said I love you it was a bullet through your heart.. how sweet those words could sound turned into something soooo painful.

Loved it.
Adding to my faves.

5/5

A Thirst Unquenched (15)
by Mysterious Charmer

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-27

"You greeted me with a sandstorm..
Every word crawled off your tongue,"
`I loved your choice of words here more than anything. Usually you hear the cliche saying.. "every word slipped off your tongue" but you sure switched it up and made it your own.. and used the word crawled.. Wonderful job.. so unique and original. Well done!

"old and dry..passing away,
into grains of sand"
`Woooow. This poem is sooo unique and I'm not even through the first stanza.. you used such simple words yet I just couldnt believe it.. words crawled off her tongue and mixing with the sand below that comforted your bare feet...You have sooo much talent.. what a unique piece this is becoming..

"Trapping me...
Like a gentle loving hummingbird,
in an overturned hourglass"
`This has got to be the most original piece I've read in so very long.. thank you for opening my eyes to some originality for a change and not a cliche piece of poetry.. what a interesting simile youve come up with here.. I couldnt have said it any better.. your choice of words is flawless.

"It was then I saw,
the leftover pieces of caution tape,
embedded around your lips"
`Love it! Although not really visible, you saw caution across those lips which told you what they were saying was obviously a lie.. the word embedded just brought these lines to life.. I am so impressed I'm speechless.. this piece is an absolute masterpiece in my opinion.

"I Choked on my own regret
as my eyes bled translucent tears,
in hopes that you'd see..
the messages frozen in each drop"
`You could probably just about make me scream.. I am loving this piece so much I cannot put it into words. You choked on your reget.. woow. And those tears that were not visible, actually had a message in them? I'm jusst flooored. This piece is so enjoyable.

"Even that couldn't quench the drought,
struck upon your heart
It wasn't enough..
It never was.."
`Yeep, I'm still speechless.. well done. However, its three dots in poetry not two.. just a reminder..

"You craved more...desired it"
`I loved this line, I thought it was unique how you really emphaized that word.. it was the same word yet a synoymn.. wonderful! :]

"While you continued to gulp my love,
from your favorite sipping cup
Draining the last drop..."
`annd wow your choice of words.. have yet again left me speechless... This is a masterpiece of poetry.

Ending.. just couldnt have been better, tied into the title PERFECTLY! :]

I'd nominate this as well but I have no votes remaning for the week but Ill make sure to vote for it next week!

Congrats on a very original piece.
5/5. :]

Crimson Paper (2)
by Grace

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-26

"This blank paper stares at me with strangling lines."
`Wow, I love this! You dont even think for a second about a paper staring at you.. lovely line.. I adored this.. uniqueness spilled from your words.

"I feel as though I am suffocating, unable to breath."
`I love how the first line sort of connected with the second one. Those strangling lines and then how you feel as though you are suffocating I thought strangling and suffocating connected very nicely. I would have never thought of something like that, so I give you props. `Lastly . . . Breath should be breathe.

"It could almost be a mirror image of my very heart,"
`Okay wooow. Your comparison about the blank paper and how it could be the mirror image of your heart.. loved it! Your heart is empty apperently.. what a great.. metaphor, right?

"The lines could even be the scars you have left behind."
`This is very very sad. But, wow your first stanza impressed me very much. I just couldnt believe how great you started.. with the blank piece of paper, youve expanded on it very nicely..


"A sudden tear spatters onto the page,
Creating a water mark that cannot be erased,"
`Soo simply written, but what a great image.. how vivid.. I know what it looks like when a droplet of waters splashes onto a blank piece of paper.. it cant be erased.. it just dries up and the paper becomes all bumpy..

"But it does not matter to me anymore,
Tear stained paper has become the least of my worries."
`Wow I love the transition of the mood.. in the beginning youre sad and now youre like.. I dont even care anymore.. this isnt even that big of a worry [the tear-stained paper]..it`s like youre so used to it, that it doesnt matter anymore.. well done my dear.. I really love this poem.. its very poetic this time around.. I love it.

"It is the scars on my wrist that truly frighten me,"
`You couldnt have transitioned from your second stanza to the third any better.. that tear-stained paper was not a worry to you, but now youre starting to tell what truly are your worries.. your fears.. this line was short yet full of a ton of sadness.. I really truly hope this isnt true.. the scars on your wrists... I hope it was just inserted to fit with the mood...


"Matching scar for scar within my heart,
Helping me forget the pain this emptiness brings,
With the pain of the silver blade dragging across my skin."
`:/ This is sooo deeply sad. I can see how its connecting with the title now however...

"When the blood beings to flow I remember I am still alive
A simple reminder of how life flows through my veins.
Then it spills out from my wrist onto the white paper.
It almost makes the tear seem invisible."
`Well done. Again, this is very deep and sad... but you couldnt have done this any better. Your blank paper has suddenly turn crimson and that tear has not vanished.. for it still remains on the paper.

"But no one will ever know the pain I feel inside.
They will never understand the hollowness my heart beats into.
I gave it all away on those stupid summer days,
And am the only one to blame for all the endless pain."
`I would never say youre the one to blame at all.. never place the blame on yourself.. its just how life is.. sometimes unfortunate things happen, but you learn to move on.. youll be okay .. I'm always here for you if you need me.

Well done.
Sad write yet very poetic.

5/5.

Numb. (13)
by Blissful

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-17

"Prick my finger and watch as crimson blood gushes through"
`Just the way you worded this.. it really injects pain into the reader from the start.. I dont know why but I literally felt like someone was poking my finger and the blood was spilling out everywhere. So good job hitting us with the emotion of saddness right from the start. Sad, but well done portraying that emotion vividly.

"For I desire to feel the sensation of ecstasy's blissful release"
`Well done. Simply said.. got your point across to the reader.

"Rupturing amid a yearning heart, recklessly bending it askew
A chaotic mind can no longer embrace such a tranquil peace "
`:/ This is just pure saddness hun. I'm sure this pain is only temporary, it will wash away and youll be fine again. Just hang in there. You will be at peace sooner or later, let those "tangled" thoughts straighten out and youll be just fine with time! :]

"Poison my fading spirit with deceiving lies to inflict despair
For I'm done warily mending the relics of a shattered dream"
`A shattered dream is the last thing someone like you needs, but of course the worst things happen to the best people.. and it happened to you when it really shouldn't of. I loved the power in your words.. poison was very powerful.. the word choice you are using is so powerful and perfect fitting to your emotions/feelings. So well done.

"Once optimistic now bitter from breathing such tainted air
Wishing to liberate my eyes from tears as a peaceful stream"
`The optimism is still there, you will find it. :]

"Hurl any form of hatred in my face but I won't even wince
For my essence is now an abyss, gratitude to you my prince"
`I love this! I have no words hun. Wonderfully said. Great words. So descriptive.

"Tap-dance on my portrayal of love, pound it like a drum
Don't fret dear, tears won't be shed, you've left me numb"
`Tap dance - `Wooow.`- I've never heard that used in such a way before.. I applaud you on uniquness. :]

Well done hun!
Sad write but as always its good to release those feelings. I hope writing this poem helped!
5/5.

Engaging Body Language (21)
by Composed Catastrophe

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-09

"Just one instigating look,
a lock of passionate eyes."
`Perfectly done! Instigating! Beautiful way to start a poem.. the first thing you think of between two people is how their eyes meet and they instantly become locked.

"Desire and temptation
instantly appear and arise."
`Youre right. Then the desired and temptation arise, and its impossible to resist. :]

"Accidental spark filled touch,
as you purposely brush by."
`Oooh. I love it! I dont know why I loved this so much.. I thought there was something original behind using the words accidental and purposely the way you did.. not sure what it is loll. I just adored it. I thought it was unique in a way.

"An alluring cracked smile,
only flashed on the face.
Enough to get anyone's
heart to start to race."
`Beautifully done. Alluring was the most gorgeous word you could have used. :]

"A drawing and inviting giggle
caresses the silence in every direction."
`Caresses.. oh goodness. :] I love this! You really are doing a great job using your title.. Engaging Body Language.. the eyes meeting, then the brush up against eachother, and the alluring smile, .. Its all coming together perfectly! Then now you have the inviting giggle.. makes me wander whats next.

"
Irresistible dimples
appear on a blushed cheek.
Maybe just one kiss
can quietly be sneaked."
`Awww. So cuute.

"Fierce but seductive wink,
flickers at the right time."
`Youre doing amazing! The flow is flawless, the words are outstanding and everything is just coming together extremely well. Seductive wink.. Ahh, your adjectives are mindblowing!

"Impulse takes control,
no longer can either resist."
`Like I said before.. the desire and temptation is to much to resist.

"Temptation wins,
lips meet and sparks send."
`:] yupp yupp.

Loved this piece!
Engaging Body Language -~Perfectly fitting title!-~
5/5.

Lightning (12)
by ether

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-01

Okay woow. I was so impressed with this write.. most lines had a touch of uniqueness and originality..I love your way of thinking and writing things.

"Rain drops are just needes to inject life into land"
`Wow. This one was line that I was highly impressed and nearly speechless after reading. I just could not believe the word choice here. You refer to the rain drops as needles that inject life into the land.. Injects?.. Talent! :] You have your way with words.. that is for sure! I LOVED the way you worded this line.. it is very original through my eyes!

I'm very impressed with this piece, you have basically left me speechless.. and I was very pleased when I read that it won today.. this piece is very deserving.. its not like your normal poem.. its above and beyond that, it is overflowing with originality and uniqueness. I am so impressed! :] Gosh I wish I had your talent! Well done!

5/5. Very well deserved.

Love's Last Lullaby. (10)
by Blissful

commented by Forever His Love aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-26

"Shutting weary eyes, she yearns to finally escape the pain
As luster from once vivacious essence slowly beings to drain"
`Oh, I love this.. shutting your eyes.. and just hoping.. all this pain that has built up will just be washed away.. :] However.. you put beings instead of begins... oopsss.

"As melancholy trickles down her pale cheeks like frigid rain"
`Such a sad write.. each word is just overflowing with sadness.. and pure emotions.. that are just so cleary visible through your words.. this really painted a sad image in my mind.. yet.. this is just so well done. I'm so impressed with your writing Bliss. You have the vocabulary that I wish I had!

"As blissful gleam is substituted by crimson wrath in aching soul"
`Your words are just so.. heartwrenching! They are tearing at my heart and I feel like I'm being ripped apart.. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you.. I would feel like I'm dying having these sad emotions within me. :/

..and as I continue to reader it just gets deeper and its like youre drowning in that pure sadness... it's such a hard piece to read! :/

I know your situation, and its not an easy one.. those beautiful sweet words lure you in yet you realize... something's some people say just arent real.. and in the end.. you end up with the broken heart.. it's not right. Well I hope this broken heart heals... I already know that the sunshine is shining for you.. kind of, and you can see the light again! I wish the best for you sweetie! :]

This poem was very well written.
Very sad, true feelings, emotions..
5/5

Fallen Star. (4)
by Blissful

commented by Loving Spirit aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-20

"Creeping into a soul recovering from shattered dreams"
`This starts off awfully said, a girls dreams have been shattered... I can't wait to read the rest .. I know your feelings & emotions are going to shine in this poem like no other.

"Erasing each worrisome doubt with tints of affection"
`Your word choice is just absolutely stunning. I find myself stopping at times to admire your words, lol. They are jussst... so intriguing. You said this very simply, yet.. tints of affection was something that truly caught my eye.. I wasn't expecting to hear it worded like that.. I love the word tints.. it is perfectly inserted into the right sentence here. :]

"Will a tentative fall be accompanied by ardor's secure arms?"
`Bliss, I can't tell you how well this question was asked.. truly.. well said. I truly hope the answer to this question is yes.. because you deserve to be accompanied by secure arms. :]

"Lyrics to their beloved song softly linger in tangled thoughts"
`I've always loved your uniqueness in using "tangled thoughts" ;]

"A treasured melody once shining a radiant smile on sultry lips
Now trigger startling sobs escaping from a quivering body"
`Very sad.. this shows how things used to be and now they've changed drastically .. for the worse. :/

"When will faith pierce through the haze ridding sorrow?"
`Great question.. it's like you are sharing your thoughts.. your wonders.. your questions... well done.

"An image of a lone star, twinkling with splendor and might
Penetrate hope through faint eyes, she too can shine alone"
`*Screeches* :] Amaazinglllly done. I kinda of smiled here.. this is so beautiful and kind of gives the reader a sense of hope that she'll be okay.. and I know you will be.. because youre stong and you can make it through anything, you just have to have hope!

:]
Wonderfully done.

5/5.

Intoxicated (6)
by iReminiscent

commented by Loving Spirit aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-15

Can I have your amazing talent please? Lol. Wow, this was yet again a very impressive write.. I don't know why this would be in the love section, I mean for the fact that its about love.. its just sooo sad I think that it belong in the sad section. This was .. jussst totally tearing me apart with every word.. the word choice was so impressive.. and I'm nearly speechless right now. The flow could be a tad better though, I just think your length of your lines are way too varied.

Anyways, another great write.
5/5.

Walk On the Beach (3)
by Ann Marie

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-08

"Tangerine reflection on sapphire waves"
`This is soo beautiful Ann. Just reading the first line I can picture it so vividly in my mind.. that it makes me smile. :]

"Footprints meandering in the sand"
`Again, I can picture this so perfectly. I loved the word meandering, you don't hear that very often. But, I love it! It's unique. :]

Second stanza - I noticed had a great flow, I was quite impressed with how you hooked me from the beginning and now I can't stop reading, it flow so smoothly.

Third stanza - Wow! I loved this.. because it's something you always wonder in life when you are with someone you love. Beautiful.

Fourth stanza - the ending is so beautiful, I can picture the two kisses, soo romantic. :] A beach is the most romantic setting.

Very well done.
I could picture this very well in my mind. Very vivid images you put in the readers mind. :]
5/5

Writers Block (12)
by His Angel

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-01

1st stanza - pretty good, you got the whole idea of writers block into a quick paragraph, it describes what writers block is.

2nd stanza -
"Your mind is as blank.."
`I dislike this line, for the main fact that you just used blank in the first line of the first stanza.. use a variety of words that mean the same thing as blank. Maybe.. empty or.. white.. or... look up some synoymns so that it isn't so noticable. Empty would be a simple word to use so that you don't repeat the word blank.

"sitting there it is laughing at you,
it always seems to mock."
`You used the word "you" to end both the 2nd and 3rd times, that really hurt the poem in my opinion. Maybe you'd do something like..
"Sitting there, it laughs causing humiliation,
as it mocks the poet who struggles to write."

That just quickly popped into my head, you could shorten it in your own words.. but the repetition of the same word at the end of two lines that are right next to eachother really don't work.

3rd stanza - It was awkard to have a transition from four lines to five, but I do that sometimes.. and my poems don't have a constant flow or anything.. but.. I think staying with the same number of lines could definatly benefit you, it helps with the flow.

"is coming, so you begging to read the poems "
`You begging? Did you mean to say.. "is coming, so you beg to read the poems" ?

"your mind becomes full to the brim"
`I loved this line.. full to the brim. :]

Fourth stanza -
"Putting pen to paper your ideas flow
like a stream on to the paper,"
`Great simile. I can almost see this poet myself, struggling to come up with ideas, but then they read other poems and all these poems inspire them to write something, all these ideas flow so nicely into your head and then so smoothly onto paper.

"it is now glaring at you
it was hoping that you would fail.
But you showed it who was boss."
`Hm.. I see a little hint of repetition here.. but It was alright. The last line was a bit awkward for my taste, but it fit decently.

Good work, but needs improvement.
I hope my suggestions helped. Hope I wasn't too harsh. Sorry if I was.

4/5.

Titled (8)
by ether

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-01

1st stanza -
"Put a house on top with loss of judgment."
`I could be wrong but I think there is a e in judgement - between the g and m.
`Very unique, I have never quite seen something like this before in a poem. It intrigues me, and I want to read the rest of the poem now. :]

2nd stanza -
Unique yet again, I guess I don't see anything wrong in this stanza.. it was good, what you were trying to get across was kind of difficult to comprehend but in other words, no gramatical errors.

3rd stanza -
"Because when we were offered two we took one,"
`Confusing. You were offered two of what and only took one?

4th stanza - Flawless. I actually started to get back on track and started comprehending the poem much better. It became a bit clearer to me towards the end.

Wonderful poem, yet sad. There were a few times I got confused, but that just showed the uniqueness that your poems hold.. they make you think. :] At the end, I understood the meaning of the poem which worked out very nicely, if I left the poem not knowing what it was about, that would have been a problem. Lol. Anyways..

Great work.
5/5.

I care (do I really?) (19)
by ether

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-23

Your format is one of the most unique formats I've seen on this site, you are very orignal when it comes to writing your poems thats for sure, and its not very hard to tell, lol. Anyways, this poem was interesting.. because it made the reader think what you were trying to really say at some points in the poem. Word choice was decent, it wasn't forced to make the poem totally misunderstandable, it was actually pretty simple and made the poem that much easier to read. I love your style of writing, it's unlike any other poet's here. Great work again, I honestly don't think there's much I would change with this write.. you always make the reader think when reading your poems and that really engages them in your poems and makes them interested to keep reading. Sorry, if I'm making no sense. You have talent, keep letting it shine! 5/5.

Loves Glorious Song. (7)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-23

"I wish to be the remedy to your every aspiration
Conjure any fantasy and I animate that sensation"
`Wow, these first two opening lines were flawless, I couldn't have said it any better. Aspiration and sensation rhymed perfectly.. word choice is so beautiful. (:

"I hope to be sole girl lingering on your strong arm
Giggling with delight as you lure me in with charm"
`This was said so simple, yet it holds a lot of imagery as the reader reads it.. it's very cute. Good job not putting too many "big" words in this poem, sometimes big words can overtake a poem so that it becomes so difficult to understand.

"I anticipate being the trusting heart to wipe your tears
Naturally erase each sorrow filled agony and bleak fear"
`This shows care and love for someone. It shows that you will always be there for them no matter what. Very well done. Word choice, yet again.. flawless. Couldn't have said these lines any better than you have.

"I yearn to be the beaming light to shine within your eyes
Happily flaunting my devotion as if it's a grand prize "
`Beaming light to shine within your eyes - So adorable! I adored how this was said.

"I crave to be the sizzling passion in your tender smirk
Piercing kiss from crimson lips trembling my body berserk"
`Love it! Berserk isn't a word you hear very often, it surprised me to actually hear it. :] Good job!

"Unfasten the rusted lock you've possessed for so long
Allow me to whisper in your heart, loves glorious song"
`Bliss - Couldn't have said it any better here. Last line ends it perfectly... woow. Such beautiful words.

:]
You did a flawless job, you deserved a 5/5 on this poem without a doubt. Well done!

Color me Happy. (28)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-12

This poem was outstanding it really was. If you read the poem over a few times, you truly understand what the writer was trying to get across to the readers. You understand more of what the poem was about. You understand the meaning behind those more so called, "bigger words." Honestly hun, this poem was really good. I loved your title and I love how you expanded on it and then ended with your title, that was original and you don't see that often around here, so great job! Your words are unique, you definatly have your way with words. I'm glad you spice your poems up, because some poems are never this good like yours was. Some are just completely plain and need these kinds of words. I love your words, I love your poems. Don't get discouraged or down. It only matters if you understand what your poem means. :] Well done. This deserves a 5/5 for it's effort and originality.

Prince for Princess (7)
by nikki

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-11

"Your my Romeo,"
`You're

"the prince I've been waiting for,
My dream come true,
My one true love."
`I found this really plain, non-original, cliche... spice it up maybe?

"Shes your Juliet,"
`She's

"The princess you've been waiting for,
Your dream come true,
Your one true love."
`I guess I kind of like how you kept it the same just changed it to princess.

"Or become her Chris?"
`Who is Chris...?

Overall, a really cliche poem.. needs some improvement. Make it more original, otherwise its not a really enjoyable read at all. Sorry. 4/5

His Palm Became My Dictionary (22)
by Melpomene

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-08

Title - I can't tell you how unique this title really is. It really captures my attention from the start, and CONGRATS on winning! I look forward to reading such a oustanding write. :]

"emended by pastel lines
held together by comparison
contrasted by conclusion."
`Wow. Amazing! The word choice is fabulous. I'm speechless!

Format/Structure - yet again, very original. It helps with the flow a great deal. Well done.

"I spell-checked my words studiously,"
`Omg, this write is so original! I'm so impressed. Overall, woow, I'm just speechless.. literally. I loved the originality in this piece, its so unique.. I don't know how you could have came up with such an idea.. :] I loved the spell-check thing.. that just blew me away.

"I was once asked to define love:
but realized it was too late."
`Aww :\ This is a very sad ending, but well done.. you really make the reader feel your sadness. Well done darling. :] 5/5 yet again!!

Velvet Whispers of a Tempted Heart. (15)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-03

"Aching in acute withdrawal of sweet addiction
Evident in my eyes burning traces of conviction
The love you radiated, an apparent contradiction"
`I must start by saying I am very impressed that you tried the rhyming thing for once. It really makes the poem flow very nicely! Well done so far! Like always, the word choice is outstanding.. Very well done hun!

"An engaging smile hypnotized my soul in a trance
Effortlessly captured innocent heart in one glance
Oozing thrilling charm...teasing of endless romance"
`Loved it! That beautiful smile captured your heart. :] Such beauty! I love the word choice, yet again.. Oozing .. wooow. Hypnotized and trance in the first line was also two great words. You have a fabulous taste of words!

"Tracing delicate fingertips against my yearning skin
Never-ending fantasies take flight, oh where to begin?
Awakening melodiously within an arousing type of sin"
`Wow, the rhyme and flow are consistant throughout the entire poem.. I'm so glad you tried something new. The word choice is just blowing me away and leaving me speechless yet again. Such a beautiful poem!

"Instill in piercing eyes fervent infatuation yet to transpire
Tickle throbbing lips with covert temptations sweet attire
Penetrate loves locked gate tenderly feeding my desire"
`Word choice, word choice.. That's your biggest strength in writing. I don't think many of us on this site have the true talent that you do when it comes to choosing words. They fit the poem so perfectly everytime.

"Fading flames of yesterday's passion call to ignite my fire
Soothingly sew my fallen wings to lastly take me higher
For you are the sole entity my smoldering essence requires"
`Word choice, word choice. Excellent. I swear its leaving me speechless...

"As lovely cherry lips twisted in a sly smirk eagerly part
Blissfully unmasks the velvet whispers of a tempted heart"
`Amazing format and structure throughout. This last stanzas says it all, I loved every word of the last two lines here. It was only a two-lined stanza yet.. ends the poem perfectly without a doubt. You did such a fabulous job on the entire poem.. Literally I am speechless. Beautifully done!

5/5. :]

Why Are You Falling Without Me? (10)
by Stephy

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-27

"And now I struggle in just saying your name."
`Maybe change in to with..?
Sounds better to be that way.

"And the air feels a little colder with you not here."
`Dont start lines with and.. usually if you take it out it sounds just as good, if not better.. at least I think so. Just a suggestion.

Overall, very sad write. But I could definatly feel your emotions and feelings. Well done, thoughtout poem. 5/5.

Lost In Sinful Temptation. (2)
by Stephy

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-27

So far I'm really liking the style. I've found a few lines that I've enjoyed.
"We play a game of vulgar temptation - give a little bit, then take it all away."
`This line stood out to me, because it was the opening line, and I don't know. The word choice was great [vulgar temptation] woow, and it just really captured my attention. The line itself was very well written. So good job!

"I see your fingers interlocked in hers, slightly caressing them a little too nicely for my taste -"
`Beautiful imagery, I can so picture this little description.

"Yet, I see the way your eyes linger, linger away from her face. "
`The second linger and the comma before it isn't needed.
It sounds just as good like.. "Yet, I see the way your eyes linger away from her face."

"Some would call this a game of cat and mouse, others would say we're being a bit too sinful. Though right now, when I see your eyes lock with mine, I can honestly say - I. Don't. Care."
`Woow this last stanza was original and weiiird to say the least, but you know what.. I loved the uniqueness in it! This form was basically prose but I still loved it. :]

Great write, nothing else more to say than that. 5/5. Great work.

Time Is a Counter-clock [Sestina] (9)
by Beautiful Forever

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-13

"Patience is needed while we wait for time,
Rushing will only lead to more mistakes,"
`These lines really make a lot of sense to me. They are so true. In fact, I just went through something in which I learned that patience is key, you can't rush things because it will in fact only lead to more and more mistakes.. making things worse. Well written. I'm glad I could relate and realize the true meaning behind these lines.

"Will we be captured and stuck in our past?
Determination is needed to hold our present,
Looking back will kill our dreams of the future,"
`I adore this poem!! Wooow. Everything is so true. If you look at the past, which you shouldn't.. because it will only ruin your dreams for the future. Absolutely 100 percent truth!

"As we continue to pass through time,
But our hearts get lost in our past,
The little pieces left from our mistakes,"
`Another very true statement. You are wording everything so well. As time continues to pass, our hearts get like literally stuck in the past.

"Over time we will learn from our mistakes,
As long as we keep believing in the future,"
`Thank you for writing such a good poem. It really gives true advice.. and it's something I think everyone should follow. These lines again, are so true.. as time passes - you will learn from the mistakes you've made, but ONLY if you believe in the future, and look forward to the future.. if you don't - you're probably looking in the past.. and you won't really succeed looking in the past. You won't learn from the mistakes you've already made.

"We can only fall behind dwelling in the past,
It will only blind us from our current fortune,
Still we struggle to move back and forth in time,
While we're caught up in the middle named "Present""
`Woow, I can really relate. Although, living in the present isn't a bad thing either, but dwelling on the past will only make one fall further behind in making their dreams come true.

"But how can we forget that we're in the present?
The one part of our life where we make mistakes,"
`True true. We made mistakes in the past too, but I guess we do focus more on the ones in the present. Great wording. Very understandable.

"Desperately struggling to move on to the future,
How can we risk a life so precious on fortune?,
Lost and running away from our difficult past,"
`Amazing word choice. I loved the words {desperately, struggling, precious.} Great words, they really made the poem shine that much more. :)

"This life was not meant to be led in the past,
It's hard enough finding our life in the present,"
`I agree completely with your thoughts!

"I for one will stare far into the future,
As I watch all three aspects of time,"
`These lines were really powerful and stuck out, because you came out to say what you will do [you will stare far into the future]. Amazingly said, plus.. I find looking into the future the best option as well. XD

"Now I believe fortune is a ghost of our past,
While time is a counter-clock of our present,
As this life of mistakes forces us into the future... "
`Perfect!


Overall, you said it all in the poem. Such a true poem with such great advice that I believe everyone should follow. Thanks for such a great read. It made me realize that - sometimes I find myself looking too much back on the past, and I can't do that... looking far into the future and letting my dreams come true is my best option. Impressive write. Flawless. 5/5.

Days Of The Oak (15)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-09-10

First stanza - Amazing. I was really impressed with the word choice you used. Definatly adds a bit more meaning to the poem in my opinion, makes the poem that much more interesting and really interests the reader.

One thing I'm noticing is this is kind of like a short little story.. which really interests me. Makes me wonder what will happen in the stanzas to come.

"Somewhere within the recess of his brain"
-Okay. This really was worded really uniquely. You don't usually hear recess in this kind of sentence I guess you could say. It was interesting the way you worded this. Very interesting.

"as magnificent as always.."
`It should be three dots (an ellipses), not two.

Fourth stanza - Another wonderful stanza that stood out to me so much. The way you worded things were very original and I loved the unique word choice throughout. Excellent job. :] I'm very proud of you! It also kind of brings out the depressing side of the poem, I love it.

Wow. As I continue to read, the word choice just keeps getting better and better. So descriptive, brings so much imagery into the poem and makes the reader feel like they are feeling these emotions, they are living this moment like this person is. It seems so real. Amazingly done.

"can be recalled."
`Really short, but it could be longer, like the other lines. It doesn't hurt to make all lines the same length. I'm not saying this line hurt the poem's flow or anything.. not at all, but it's just shorter compared to the other lines that are longer.

"the Oak was there, singing the chant of life
and ready to empower every impulse of him."
`Wow. Wonderful ending. You tied the title in wonderfully. Great job!

Overall, I'm speechless. You did a fabulous job. I loved the dedication of this poem, it basically put me (a more happier person) into the mind of someone who suffers from depression. Really gave me a better understanding what it really is like. What emotions there are there, you portrayed them very well here. Very well. So real. Usually you can write about something like this if you've experienced it, so possibly you have as well? Anyways, I'm floored to say the least. Amazing poem. I definatly enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing. :] 5/5

The Hardest Part of Dreaming... (4)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-29

"Staring out the window at a darkened night sky"
`This was kind of simply said, but already I'm putting myself in your position and I feel like I'm the one standing their looking out at the dark sky.

"Attempting to free herself from tousled thoughts"
`Great word choice, I loved the word tousled, I rarely hear that word, it's nice to see something unique for a change.

"Young girl's striking eyes stumble upon a lonely star
As its endless beauty twinkles in her weary soul"
`I am just so blown away with your vocabulary. I always fall in love with it. I loved the way you said that her striking eyes stumbled upon a star - now that, I have never heard either. Stumbled? :] I loveed it.

First stanza - To sum it up, wonderful. Word choice was amazing and I loved how you started it off that the girl was starting to think about this person as they look out the window then they slowly drifted off to sleep to dream about this person.

Second stanza - Soo powerful. I loved how you described this dream starting. Word choice was amazing. There was soooo much imagery, that it was perfectly pictured in my mind.

Third stanza - So beautiful. I wouldn't change a thing. This dream you are describing almost seems so real! Word choice is fabulous. It blows me away the words you use. Soo much imagery in this stanza as well!

Fourth stanza -
"With a drained sigh, she realizes, the hardest part of dreaming
About someone you love, is having to wake up... "
`Perfectly said! This stanza was kind of sad, because she woke up when he was kissing her on the lips, and she realizes.. it's just a dream. You described it like it was sooo real though. I'm really impressed. Left me speechless!

Overall, wow. I'm like shocked. The imagery in this poem was amazing. Word choice blew me away from the beginning. Such a strong ending, yet kind of sad because she realizes all it is is a dream afterall, and it's not real. I think we all have these kinds of dreams that are soo good but they just aren't reality. Well done! Definatly deserves a 5/5. Great effort!

Unspoken Words For Summer (23)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-28

Title - Really appealing. It caught my attention!

"Free-minded, cheerful youthful spirit
seeks for holding the beauty within."
`Oh wow. I loved the word choice used here. Wonderful wonderful wonderful. It shows you what kind of person this girl is.. It's very descriptive. (:

"Teasing the shaky delicate waves.
Inhaling the salty smell of the shore."
`Loveee itt. You can definatly tell that this girl is walking on the shore of the beach.. Wonderful word choice.. shaky delicate waves, inhaling the salty smell. Wonderful. I feel like I'm the one walking on the beach.

"Feeling calm as I witness the scarlet sunset;
lays gleams of peace and warmth"
`Outstanding wordchoice! Woooah. Amazing. It brings so much imagery into the poem.

Overall, wow I'm definatly impressed! The word choice was amazing, I felt like I was walking on this beach.. the last two stanza reallllly were oustanding. It was very unique. I'm speechless. This poem had so much originality in it in the last two stanzas. Blew me away. Well doneee. <3 5/5 (:

Corrosive Incompatibility (20)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-21

"Into morbid monstrous battlefield"
`Did you mean monsterous? Notice the e? I'm not really sure.

"A lonely abraded heart
Was writhing in agony
A shallow toxic breath
Was barely heard"
`Oh wow hun! So sad. I could feel the darkness with these lines. Wow. Outstanding vocabulary.

"Contaminated lacerations
Over that angelic face
Were bleeding profusely"
`Goodness. Word choice is your biggest strength in writing. I believe that. Profusely is such a great word. Angelic is a great adjective to use. I'm so speechless.

"To betrayed her mindful thoughts"
`I think it should be betray

Overall, what a dark dark write. I know you aren't much of a writer of these dark poems, but I hope you continue with them because this one was so amazing. The word choice was soo amazing. I couldn't believe how amazing it was. It brought out the darkness in the poem. Ahh, wow. I'm so speechless hun. Word choice is your friend. You definatly have your way with words. I loved the format, it helps with the flow in a way that I can't even explain. Wonderful write. I'm very very impressed. Don't ever be afraid to try something new, sometimes, like this time, can turn out so fabulously! 5/5 (:

Any Hope in Vacant I Miss Yous? (4)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-21

"Lonesome in my room, isolated from life
Images of your flawless face cross my mind"
`These two lines are so sad. I can picture someone in their room alone, by themself.. isolating themself from others, and having that one person on their mind yet again.

"While a tear gradually descends down my cheek
My shattered heart screams for your affection
I miss you...will your love shine light once more?"
`This painted a really sad picture in my mind. Word choice is just outstanding hun.. A shattered heart screaming for someone's affection - that was just so amazing. I can relate. Loved the last line, too. I loved how it was a question. (:

"Yearning eyes would burst with oodles of joy"
`Oodles, cute word. It really wow'd me. I rarely ever hear that word. Great word-choice!

"I miss you...tainted memories all I'm left with?"
`I absolutely adore how you are repeating "I miss you" It's so sad, yet effective in the poem. I loved the questions after each stanza, they are good. Your feelings are shining so clearly through this poem!

"With abandoned cries and disregarded wishes
Urgently shouting for you love to overwhelm"
`Wow. I'm so speechless. The way you word things just bring so much more sadness through the poem. (ex. abandoned cries, disregarded wishes)
`Umm second line, did you mean to say you love or your love? I'm thinking your love.

Overall, such a sad write! Gah. I love the title. I absolutely loved it. It really captured my attention! Secondly, this write was so sad.. a broken heart yearning for that person's affection, missing them every second of the day, ect. So relateable by a lot of girls I can imagine. Your poems are soo relateable, it's crazy. Amazing write again. Keep it up!! This is basically a masterpiece in my opinion! 5/5 (:

Raindrops Kiss her Abandoned Tears. (8)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-20

Title - So amazing. Your titles are so fabulous. I have no clue how you come up with them. They always end up fitting the poem so perfectly!

"Shattered; innocent heart lost the will to love"
`Loved this. You say a word and then you expand on it. When I thought of shattered, I'd think of a heart shattered by a love that was lost or something. I love how one can infer from just one word as to what you are going to say.

"Quivering; yearning lips waiting to be silenced"
`Quivering was an amazing word. Most of the time you'd think of lips quivering and that's what you wrote about. I loved this line especially. I loved the word silence used here. Perfect useage of that word. (:

"Shaking; fragile existence seeking sanctuary"
`Gah! I love this first stanza.. it's basically telling us the things we need to know about this person before we read the poem almost. I don't know. I honestly found it really interesting and unique. Loved it dearly!

"Dimming; forlorn eyes lost radiant shine...glow"
`Goodness. The word choice, is so outstanding. That's what I realized the most. It really brings out a lot of description! The sadness sure oozes out in this piece a ton.

"Searching; hopeful soul believing in a fading dream..."
`Oh wow. Fading was a pretty boring word, but it still says a lot.

"Compressed in a corner, she's lost in tangled thoughts."
`Wow hun. Compressed was an amazing word. Your words make your poems shine! Tangled thoughts - I've seen you use that a lot lately in your poems, but it works so perfectly every time. I adore the word tangled especially when it comes to thoughts. Because, I can totally relate to that feeling of being lost in your own thoughts and not sure what to feel anymore. Not sure where I'm even supposed to go from here.

"Reality quickly penetrates, as truth becomes apparent
His arms will never clinch and wipe away all her fears"
`This really hits the reader like it does the author. This person who you longed for and wanted to be with, will not be the one to wipe away your tears and help you conquer your fears. It really sucks when reality sinks in, and you realize the truth behind things and how things you want just won't come true.

"Looking to the sky piercing for answers...screaming."
`Gahh. Amazing. Looking at the sky for answers, such a commonly used phrase! But it says so much. Where else would you look for answers?

"As if parallel to her mood, the sky darkens with murky clouds
Forsaken in the shadows...she's wandering, seeking, pleading."
`This holds so much imagery. Sets a really dark mood. Word choice was fabulous, it paints a picture in my mind that just won't go away!

"Roars of thunder fill the night while her lips break a chapped smile"
`Roars of thunder fill the night - Bliss, I am impressed. Just the way you word things! I really love it.

"Finally able to feel one with something, complete in a lonely life
Raindrops softy fall and kiss her abandoned tears; she's happy."
`OH wow. Loved the ending!

Overall, such a amazing write. I couldn't have written this better. 5/5!

Swallows Her Tongue with Words Unsaid (14)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-15

Title - I really think it said it all for me. Gave me kind of a clear idea what the poem was going to be about, and obviously it's going to be a very sad write.

"Effortlessly departing from my life without a simple farewell"
`Wow. This really hit me. Very sad start, it could probably only get worse from here.

"Resulting in tangled thoughts, puzzling emotions deep within"
`I think so many can relate to this line, of struggling with tangled thoughts and emotions. I know I can. Nicely said too, interesting way of putting it.. not boring at all. You still have my full attention.

"If only your intricate presence was in my view once more
I could purge these poisonous passions and cleanse my soul"
`Oh my goodness. The vocabulary you used in these two lines blew me away. These two lines was very sad.. this person isn't here, although you long for them to be there so basically all your dreams and wishes could come true. But they aren't, so you still have that sad feeling within.

"Although the fall left me hurt, hope finds its way through my eyes"
`I loved this line. Although this person fell so deeply for this person, and got hurt in the end.. they still have hope through everything that has happened thus far. It really caught my attention, this line was amazing.

"Yearning to scream "I love you," yet those words are too sweet"
`Oh yes.. I think so many of us could relate to this! Screaming to the person that you love.. "I love you!" to show them that you do care about them and you wanna be with them, ect. ect. Totally relateable.

"Anger crowds my throat tempting to choke those busted promises"
`Ohhh, nice. I can see the title is starting to come in here. Not quite yet, but I'm guessing it will. :]
I love how you said choke on busted promises, perfectly said.. everything is just so very well written and uniquely said in your own words that it's just blowing me away.

" slowly swallow my throbbing tongue with tainted words left unsaid "
`Woww. Last line. I knew it. Perfectly said. Throbbing tongue... tainted words... left unsaid... this line said everything.

Overall, this write was so full of sadness, but you could see where the author was coming from. This poem is so relateable to so many of us, I'm sure. I absolutely love how all your pieces have such strong, amazing, vocabulary.. the way you word things just blows me away. It's really fun to read, because the words are full of sadness.. they aren't full of boring. Interesting piece! The thought of the poem was quite simple, but just the way you worded everything blew me away and I fell in love with this piece. Wonderful write! <33 5/5

The Raging Wind (12)
by BREEawNUHH

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-11

Title - Amazing. I loved the longer version of it. [The actual title] :]

"My tears fall like the rain falls during an insane thunderstorm."
`I loved the comparison here, using like. It was a great simile.

"I stare out my window, and I see swaying trees, and fallen limbs.
The wind is doing the same to the earth what your words did to me."
`I loved this. It was so vivid in my mind. You relate these swaying trees and fallen limbs to what these person's words did to you. I can only imagine, it made a big impact on you.

"Things are scattered; paper, empty soda cans, bottles -- everything."
`Thanks for such great imagery. It really helps picture what you are picturing.

"Even my heart -- but it's not outside in the storm -- it's under your shoes."
`Woah! I loved this, hun. Wowww.

"I've felt this painful sting before, but it hurt so much more tonight."
`I loved how you described it as a painful sting, uniquely said to say the least.

"But then, my phone rings. And it's your name flashing across the screen.."
`What a ending! Wow. I wonder what happens after this guy calls you. Sounds like maybe you could add more to this poem or maybe make another one saying what happens? That would be interesting to read nonetheless. You have already captured my attention. Amazing write.

:] 5/5

A Room With A View (16)
by Rachel RTVW

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-11

"From my room with a view I see
Sapphire waves of coming tide
Wispy clouds floating by
As day will soon subside"
`I loved how you started it out like you were actually looking out a window, because it puts the reader in your exact position and it makes me picture this so perfectly. This description was amazing. I couldn't have worded it better than you did. The words that you used to describe this view was amazing. So vivid!

Overall, such a beautiful write. One that you could picture so vividly, and when you look at the picture it's exactly what I imagined in my mind. Wonderfully written. This poem was amazing, you definatly have your way with words! 5/5

For me (8)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-08

"I don't need secret meetings
I don't need midnight phone calls
I don't need presents on my birth days
I don't need lovesick words"
`Yeah, quite honestly I don't like how you just listed things basically. Maybe make it more interesting and put it into a rhyme.. and expand on these ideas. Why don't you need these things? Maybe you will explain in the last stanza.. Lol. But, if you don't do expand. It will not only make the poem longer but more interesting.

"they are almost spiritualistic, "
`Spiritualistic - Great word choice!

"and would only be satisfied
by the coherence of our souls ...
higher and far away from all of these !!"
`Wonderful. You actually did expand pretty well, but I think you could always add more to such a short poem like this.

Overall, it was good.. But you could always add more. It's pretty short and I just felt like I wanted to read more.. so keep adding onto these thoughts 4/5

A heart to heart talk (8)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-08

"an unfatigable fighter"
`Unfatigable - great word choice as to describing what kind of fighter you always believed you are.

"The one who is as solid as a rock
The one who has never been a quitter.."
`I love how you expand on this because some people may have not known from the start what the word unfatigable meant. Good work.

"it calls and calls..
it calls for a heart to heart coherence
it calls for a better appreciation of true emotion
it calls for a warm shelter "
`Loved it. I don't know if I really liked the repitition but at least you were getting the point across. It was okay the way you put it.

"a shelter in which truthful beautiful human feelings master.. rather than anything else."
`This maybe could have been shorter, just because it's a really long line, although it's wonderfully worded as it is. Or split it into two lines?


Overall, a wonderful write. I honestly don't think you could change anything here.. but what I mentioned. Great work, hun. 5/5.

My Shooting Star (10)
by Marc Ortiz

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-08

"The stars and the moon were gently sparkling on that night
As the winds blew the scent of the flowers around me.
The lights illuminated the walkway towards the paradise"
`This is beautiful, wow. It painted such a beautiful picture in my mind that wouldn't go away. The words were just perfect as well. They brought so much description with them.

"I turned around and I caught a glimpse of heaven's lovely angel
She was beside my friend when she was introduced to me.
`This seems to be like a story, where you meet someone and fall in love with them. It's pretty predicatble thus far, but it's very beautiful..

" smiled and said, "Hi" as I shook her soft hands...
The first time our eyes met I felt my heart skipped a few beats
as my mind captured the image of her angelic beauty.
She said, "I'll see you again." with a smile on her elegant face."
`This was very cute. You captured that feeling very well and portayed it here perfectly.. your heart skipped a beat when you saw her, ect. The normal things that happen when you meet someone you like..
Ohh, and skipped should be skip...

"A few seconds later after they've left I gaze up into the sky"
`You like change the tense way too much.. like sometimes it's in present tense and sometimes it's in past tense.. it's weird. Maybe just put it in present?

"I knew that she was like a beautiful shooting star...
And then I looked at her as she walked away from me

As I whispered, "Because I'll only see a charming cherub once in a while."
`Absolutely beautiful ending. It's such a cute story that these two people met and immediatly felt chemsitry ( at least it seems like it )

Overall, a cute love story, although it was kinda cliche. These two people met and he was kind of mesmorised by her beauty and falls in love with her kinda. But you described the scene so beautifully & perfect. The words were fabulous. Lots of imagery. Great write. Just watch our verb tense.. I think you switched a few times.. from present to past and then back.. again. 5/5 though.

Running and Skipping (10)
by Wake Me Up

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-07

"Running and skipping for days on end,
Then I come across you, a friend,"
`These first two lines were great. It started a great rhyme.

"As time moves on, I find that I don't want to be your friend,"
`I think you changed your verb tense here. I think moves should be moved..?
`Oh, and then "I find that I don't want to be your friend.." -Sets off the flow a lot because you repeated the word friend.. I lost the rhyme in the third line of the poem, I didn't really like that.. cause now It's going to be hard to pick it up again, well hopefully not.

"I want something more,
I want to be yours,
Yours to hold and adore,"
`This is sweet and beautiful. I would have however made the lines longer though.. they aren't as long as your first stanza is.. and that is another factor for a rocky flow. But this is a very sweet desire that you wish & hope for.

"But you won't let me go that far,
You won't let me be your little shinning star,
Just the girl who embraces the glorious sounds of your guitar,"
`This is sad. But, you worded it nicely I suppose. The rhyme is back.. but I can't say that the flow is that extremely good or anything. The length of your lines are kinda in a variety whcih sets it off for me.

"We are with each other most of the time,
When I see you I can't help myself but endlessly rhyme,
You know that you make my heart chime,
But to you, loving me is like committing a crime,"
`This stanza was worded wonderfully, probably the best stanza yet. The lines were about the same length, the flow and rhyme were good. I especially loved the last line of this stanza... :]

"I do not know why you feel this way,
Whatever the reason I will never push you away,
I will always adore the games we play,"
`Aww. This is awesome. Because although this person doesn't feel the same, you`'ll always love them no matter what and always adore them.

"You are the reason I pray night and day,
I will love you, everyday,

But for now, I am running and skipping with you for days on end"
`Again you switch from short lines to long lines.. that's not good because then the flow is really rocky :\

Overall, a sweet poem. But the flow was off pretty much throughout most of the poem.. Make sure to make all your lines the same length, that should help quite a bit. 4/5.

Blessed (5)
by Wake Me Up

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-07

"Your eyes behold depth, concern, yet some glee."
`Loved it! Perfectly written.. I loved how you described what his eyes held within. What you could tell by looking at them.

"I feel my mood lighten at the sight of your intense eyes of blue sea,"
`Awww. Beautiful. Just looking at someone makes you feel so much better.

"Together we sway to the soft melody,
In my ear you whisper your sweet charms to me,
You're holding me so close, yet letting me feel so free"
`This stanza contained a lot of imagery. Such a beautiful scence that I could picture oh so perfectly in my mind. Wonderful job.

"I feel my heart rate suddenly accelerate,
I realizing finding you must have been fate,
Thinking of a life that together we could create,"
`So adorable. The heart rate increases, and look foward to what the future could bring. I loved this stanza.. this poem is becoming really strong with genuine feelings for this person and it's just very beautiful! The flow/rhyme are good =)

"Then you start to whisper in my ear,
"Do you know much pain I feel when I see you cry one tear?"
"Sweetie, every time I see you I want to draw you so near,"
`Beautiful exchange of words :)

"I bury my head into your chest,
I look up and say, "You're obsessed,"
You laugh and say, "No, I'm blessed"
`What a beautiful poem. It's kinda cliche but most love poems are. You can't help that. :]

""I am so blessed to have you,"
I look into his eyes and say, "I love you"
You hold me tight again and say, "I love you too"
`Pretty cliche ending. I would have liked to see something more interesting.. but it's a beautiful write.

Overall, a beautifull little story. :] Kinda cliche but you can't help that. It's a love story. Wonderful job. 5/5

Like a Summer Breeze got me Begging Please. (9)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-06

Title - woah. I loved it. It's beautiful. It's lengthy but I love it so much. :]

"Lazily resting under the mighty shadow of a tree
My mind gently wanders to thoughts so charming
Wary eyes slowly close as I drift into slumber..."
`Extremely powerful beginning. I know this feeling. When your mind drifts off into it's own world to think of someone.

"Longing to feel those satisfying lips against mine
As they pierce through the barricade of my heart
While stealing my soul with each engaging kiss"
`Awwww. This was so beautiful! Just the way you worded it!

"Gifted hands travel the sweet spots of my body
Joyfully tickling the tummy...giggles fill the air
Passionately caressing areas in need of warmth"
`Bliss, this is so beautifully written. It's so adorable and cute.. and these things are truly the things that you dream most about in life.. longing to have that special person by you and touch eachother and kiss and be romantic together :] This definatly painted a beautiful scene in my mind!

"Those adoring eyes teasing of a secure tomorrow
Your playful spirit leaving my body wanting more
My innocent soul empty craving your sultry loving"
`Amazing!

"As the crisp summer breeze gently grazes quivering lips
I leave sweet paradise filled with vivacious fantasies
Still in need of your touch to silence these desires... "
`Dannng. This sounds so good! "Still in need of your touch to silence these desires...." That's beautiful! Wonderful ending.. oh my goodnesssss. <33

Overall, such a beautiful write! We all go through this. We all drop into deep thought and wish for these things.. to be with the person we love and just spend forever with them. We long for their lips against ours... and yeah. Everything was just so beautiful said that I felt like I was drifting off dreaming about this.. AMAZING! 5/5.

Vampire (6)
by Sole

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-04

Okaay, so I'm really not into the whole vampire thing lol. But I'll try to give you my honest opinion.

Title; it's simple. But of course it tells you what the poem will be about.

First stanza,
`Wonderful imagery! Woah. The words were extremely great.
My favorite lines,
"Waxen fingers trace an outline across her stiffened skin"
&
"A gaunt face leans closer, she smells his putrid breath"
^^ Putrid was a wonderful word. The way you are describing this vampire is just so amazing and detailed. Great job!

Second stanza,
"A crystal tear slides unwillingly from her dark brown eyes"
`Loved it. Unwillingly.. great word-choice. Again, second stanza .. it is full of imagery and I can picture it very vividly.

Third stanza,
"A seedy smile creeps across his face, involuntarily, she shakes and quivers
His piercing nail makes a small incision along her vulnerable cheek
A dry tongue licks away the droplets of crimson life
No longer holding back emotion, her tears flow free"
`Okay. Wow. The way you described it. It just was like so creepy. Lol. Which of course it should be. But, this definatly gave me the chills just thinking and picturing it. Well done.

"Sinking ivory fangs into her delicate, pale neck
She strives to scream, silence, her body shakes then she is still
Drinking, her blood feeds his inhuman addiction
Enshrouding her lifeless body with a sheet, he absconds into the sinister night."
``AHHHH! This was soo well written.Very creepy yet well done.

Overall, WONDERFUL imagery in this poem. You described everything so well it painted a creepy vivid image in my mind. Wonderful job, you definatly accomplished one goal in this poem - to make it really creepy and sound very well vampireish lol..I usually don't read poems like this because they are just too creepy for me.. but it was a nice change-up and I enjoyed the read. well done :] 5/5

Tempting Skin. (11)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-03

"Mesmerizing eyes captivate my soul
Radiant smile hypnotizes my heart
Strapping arms shelter me from pain
Alluring beauty entices me for more"
`Woah! Blisss! I loved this! It was absolutely beautiful. It made my heart flutter. :] ha. Awww. This is such a beautiful stanza.. it is so adorable! <3

"One soft caress and temptation rises..."
`Oh, I love it. :] It makes a lot of sense too.. lol.

"The taste of your nectar linger on lips
Teasing me of steamy, fiery nights"
`the taste of your nectar linger on my lips..woah. that's a great description. I loved the word choice in that line! It was wonderful.

"Loyal love lost due to tempting skin"
`Love it!

Overall, it's a short poem. It's shorter than the usual ones you write.. but it was very well written. My favorite stanza was by far the first one.. it just was so descriptive and beautiful. It was very cute! Well done, darling. :] I wanna read more from you so keep posting!! This poem is summed up by one word - beautiful. 5/5.

Floods of Tattoo Dreams (8)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-01

Okay, first off.. you had a few "glitches" with the words or whatever. Like you must have copied and pasted it and it came out gibberish.

Anyways, to the amazing poem. :]

"And your pale fingers never actually seem to turn the key;"
`To be extremely honest with you, I didn't really like how you started the poem with "And..." it's just like starting a sentence with because or something, it doesn't work very well. In my opinion. I would just take the and out. I don't think it's really needed here. But then again, it's up to you. :]

"At first, I�d have become enraged by your actions,
(or lack of any, if we�re going for a little accuracy here.)"
`I loved how you put that little note in parentheses, I love how you do those things. It adds more thought and sense into the poem. It's something unique I've seen in your poems that I truly love.

"The infallible repute of your wretched lies exceed you,"
`Wooo. Wonderful words, darling. Infallible, repute, wretched, exceed.. All very good descriptive words. Perfectly said!

"just as my tastes have finally grown to rise past us--
My blind eyes give vision now, and it most saddens me,"
`I used to write like this. But, I realized dashes aren't really neded. They are useless. What's the purpose? But it's the way people write. I don't think that my would be capitolized though if you put the dashes in there. I've noticed your puncuation and capitolization is a bit off in the piece, just because I'm a grammar freak, you know. So I notice those things.

"My blind eyes give vision now, and it most saddens me,
that I make such effort to embed only a mundane memory."
`Mundane. Embed. Interesting word choice. I seriously have never heard of those words, but you can infer most definatly with this poem. Good job. You have definatly got your way with words. I love it. :]

"But unlike the perforated lungs that lay murdering your heart,
your tongue just never seems to slow down."
`Murdering was such a great word to use here, very descriptive!
Overall, this write was sad. But, honestly you did a fabulous job. I guess the topic is kind of one of those things that could fit in several categories. I suppose it's kind of okay where you have it now. Awesome title darling! It's very intruiging and a total eye-catcher.. pull me in the poem .. I wanna read.. kinda thing. :] Wonderful write.. again. You definatly have your way with words. They are amazing! Well thought out poem. Great job, keep posting new poems. I look forward to them. 5/5

Hope; A Setup For Disappointment (5)
by Fading Away

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-30

`Title: Wonderful. Its kind of lengthy but it's already setting the tone for me before I even begin to read your piece. Great title you came up with here. :]

`Hmm, I notice this poem may be prose, but that's no biggy it should still sound amazing!

"I'm second guessing myself again;"
`Oh, I know that feeling all too well. I think we all second guess ourselves way too many times in our lives.

"and eyes that are filled up tho the brim with so much sorrow?"
`To not tho..

"My heart is in excruciating pain and it's about to pump it's last beat any second now."
`Um, wow. I applaud you on these lines! Excruciating - wonderful word to use! It describes a lot.
`I love how you said that your heart is about to pump it's last beat.. that was very sad filled but well written!

"So naive to think that for one second, they cared.
But in reality, I was just too oblivious or maybe it was that I refused to accept the truth."
`These two lines show a lot. You express everything that you are feeling and you state that you wonder if you were being too oblivious or not. You kind are of in a confused state, basically. Wonderful feelings coming through here that set such a sad tone for this piece.

"We all learn from our past mistakes right?"
`I love this question. In my opinion, yes we do. :] You learn from yourself. Your mistakes teach you a lesson.

"Well I've learned not to hope anymore,"
`Ooooo. :\ You've got to live with hope! Live with optimism, it feels amazing if you do! Trust me. :] But I know how you feel. [This poem sure shows it clearly.] so maybe it's not as easy as I think it is.

" for you'll only cause yourself disappointment"
`Well at least you know to stay away from people who cause you disappointment and more sadness. Which isn't good to live with. But still, you should live with hope.. IMO.

"when the failure becomes the result and there's no point denying it anymore."
`Hm. I know how you are feeling completely. Wow. This poem is filled with emotions! Failure truly does lead to disappointment. I see where you are coming from completely.

Overall, a very sad poem. It is emotionally filled! Very sad, but you expressed your emotions so well. Hmm, this poem actually probably could use a rhyme if you could work with it and make it rhyme. It still is a good way of releasing your feelings however to just write a prose poem without a rhyme scheme and a flow. I think you did a fabulous job regardless! Well done. 5/5.

Final line (20)
by Composed Catastrophe

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-27

"I know that i am the one you prefer..."
`Capitolize the I here, otherwise this line was good.. I don't know if the periods were necessary at the end .. but I can see where you were going with that. So I guess you could leave those.

"This was something i will never get to ask..."
`Again, the I thing.. captiolize them.. always. It makes the poem look neater, and it's really irritating if you don't. It's just one of those grammar things, ya' know. Umm, periods again, they are optional but honestly I think a period would be fine.

"I got use to the bruises."
`Use should be used.

Overall, a okay poem. I understood what you were trying to get across. But, unfortunetly, I think you used a lot of filter words like [she, our, I, you, etc. ect.] lots of pronouns.. but of course, I'm guilty of doing that as well, but if you eliminate some of those so that it's not line after line using them.. the poem will flow so much better and there would be an actual flow. Advice that I can give you: Capitolize your i's, maybe use some better vocabulary.. this was kind of cliche, like all love poems. You really can't help it. All love poems are usually cliche. But that would be about it. A pretty good write, 4/5

Memories, Eternal (3)
by xToBeWithYoux

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-20

This poem is short, but for being so short it definatly said a lot. I think maybe you could say more, but that's entirely up to you. I love the format though, that was unique. Great job. 5/5. But, there's always more you can say to a short poem. :]

I Drop Ten IQ Points Every Time I'm With You (1)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-18

``Okay, darling. I've been waiting like so long for your 200th poem. I'm hoping this is as good as all your other poems. :]

``Title: I loved it. It was very unique and it made me laugh for some reason. It's cute.

``First stanza:
- - You did a excellent job here in my opinion. This stanza was a great opening, it basically described the fun things that you two do together as friends. I loved the excellent vocabulary you used. You made this opening stanza very interesting and caught the reader's attention. Flow is very amazing and smooth thus far.


``Second Stanza:
I loved the first line.. how you said that you are the two halves that contridict one another but keep eachother whole. This is awesome. Someone who you have such a strong friendship with and yet you keep learning new things from one another. You are two different people but all in all you are eachother's best friend.. and "other half."

``Third stanza:
- - Loved it. It basically described what friends do. We chat all the time about the most useless things but yet we enjoy eachother's company and there's nobody else we want to spend time with but them.. because they are close to us.

``Fourth stanza:
"[[ We're the violent skirts that seem insane and are the Devil's Own,
obsessed with skulls and stuffing sushi down our throats. ]]"
``This was a really unique way of describing who you two are and that you have a goofy side to you. This blew me away. Great ending. It summed it all up perfectly and very uniquely as well. (:

``I know which contest this was for, and you did a wonderful job on it. Overall, this poem was great. What a wonderful dedication to a friend who means a lot to you. Title, just totally grabbed my attention and I loved it dearly. Wonderful write. Congrats on your 200th poem, hun. Hope there are many more to come. (: 5/5

Radiate my Forlorn Soul (21)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-16

"I'm lost beyond vast horizons searching for fading hope,"
``Ahh. I have absolutely felt like this before.


"Confusion has consumed my soul; I've misplaced all faith,"
``Oh girl. I can totally relate. Wow. It's so easy to read this poem with such a connection with it.

"Grab my trembling hands and gently lead me to safety, my dear.
For I cannot carry on without you; my heart is screaming, silence it."
`I loved how you began questioning everything you ever wondered, and now you are just expressing your feelings even more amazingly with just stating different things that you wish to happen. Again, I'm connecting to this poem more than ever before. Wow.

"For I think you are the sole person that can radiate my forlorn soul."
``This says it all. You believe that this amazing guy may be the one that can capture your heart and just love you like no other person could. <333

Overall, what a excellent write. You know I can absolutely connect to your love poems 100%. We've been through almost the exact things. It's crazzzzy. WOW is all I can say to this one. You have no idea how great it is to just connect to a poem like this. My feelings match what you feel. It's amazing. Great job, my dear. <33 5/5 (:

Simplistic Tidings (7)
by BREEawNUHH

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-11

``First off, I loved the title. It caught my attention. :]

"Those stinging words,
were so painful the first time around."
``Oh wow.. Stinging words, wonderful word-choice!

``Rhyme is excellent so far. It's wonderful. The poem is flowing along nicely.

"Those few, simplistic tidings,
tore my life apart."
``Awh, sad.

""Don't let the bad things,
bring your life down.
Just keep that beautiful smile,
and please do not frown."
``Oh wow, this is very adorable for someone to say to you.


``Overall a wonderful poem. It was a sad poem, but definatly expressed things wonderfully all together. It was a amazing write, and everything rhymed very nicely and the flow was smooth. Well done, :) 5/5

I love you (4)
by smiley

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-11

"The way I love you will make people jeolose"
``Jealous not jealose.

"My love for you is bigger than world"
``Add the between than and world.

"Your the best think that ever happend me
``You're not your.
``Thing not think.
``Happened not happend.
``Put to in between happened and me.

Overall, a pretty good poem. Cliche, but that's no biggy.. because all love poems are cliche. You expressed your feelings oh-so-well, but had some grammar mistakes that were very obvious - Not good. I guess work on the flow too, there wasn't much of one here. 3/5.

Thank for same me (1)
by smiley

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-11

``First off, your title... I noticed it's "Thank for same me." Did you mean to say "Thank you for saving me." Or something? Typo I'm guessing.

"You save me before I kill my self"
``Not worded correctly. It'd probably sound better like.. "You saved me before I killed myself."


"You thought me there was meaning to life"
``Taught not thought.

"You show me how I love
You show me it ok be happy"
``I don't know what tense you want this poem in, it's kind of all over. And if you do it like this, it doesn't sound worded correctly. So maybe try saying..
"You showed me how to love
You showed me it's ok to be happy."
^^If I were you, that is how I, personally, would reword this.

"If it wasn't for you I wont be alive
Thank for save me from the cr8zy world
Thank for show me the light I owe you my life for it"
``Wouldn't not won't.
``Again, your tense. I would say saving not save.
``Cr8zy.. Hmm, slang. I wouldn't do that. Just write it correctly. Crazy.
``Showing not show. Again, that's just how I'd word it.
``And your last line.. I would put a ; between the two sentences like this...
"Thank for showing me the light; I owe you my life for it."
^ Like that, because they were two complete thoughts put in one sentence, and you need that to connect them. :) Otherwise, it doesn't work out right.

Okay, overall.. another cliche poem. I didn't enjoy it that much. It was kind of boring. I'm sorry I'm being harsh, but I'm trying to help you. If I wasn't being this critical then you'd never improve your poetry. I try to help poets improve their poetry, because you have no idea how much I've been helped in the past. I hope you appreciate my help and comments .. I don't think it's necessary for me to rate your poem, because then I'd be downvoting like I did your other poem.. It needs improvement. Once you change all necessary things.. Let me know. I'd like to take a look back at it and see the editing. For now, I'd probably have to give you a 2. But, I will let you make up for that and let me know when you've fixed this poem. I'd be glad to comment it a second time.

Why you but me in this darkroom (2)
by smiley

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-11

``Firstly, the title. "Why you but me in this darkroom." These mistakes.. you really shouldn't be making. They are so easy to fix, but they shouldn't be being made. I think you meant to say put instead of but here. Because, from reading your first line that's what I came up with.

"God why you put me in dark room"
``Did you mean to ask this as a question? Like.. "God why did you put me in this darkroom?"

"Every where I go darkness
No where to hide from evil"
``Everywhere is one word, not two.
``This is worded not very good, I don't like it. Maybe you'd say something like.. "Everywhere I go, I see darkness. There is no where to hide from evil."

"Everycorner is death
Every one is dead
No one there to help "
``Space between every corner.
``You are missing words. Look this over and try to find them.

"You but in a dead world with out no one
Why you but me in world were I c evil
Do you hate me do you?"
``This is totally full of so many grammar mistakes.
``First line you need put instead of but.
``Without is one word not two.
``Again, second line you have but again. It should be put.
`` I c is slang, I see is the correct way to say it.
``This stanza isn't worded very well. It's sloppy. Sorry for being so criticial. :\

Overall, this poem needs a ton of improvement. Lots of things are mispelled for some reason, and I don't know why. You really need to focus on the whole grammar thing, because that's the thing you struggle on.

I'm sorry, again. If I'm being critical. But you asked for comments, so I was willing to give them to you.

Outbreak (27)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-09

"Surrender in silence
was all there is"
-Was all there is? I was thinking .. was all there was. but then you are saying was twice. blah. I don't even know how you want to word this.. lol. But, was all there is doesn't sound right to me. :[

"Armed by bright eyes
full of desire
to distort any living features..
Provoked by terrifying desperate hunger"
-Wow. This is so detailed and full of amazing word-choice. It's worded perfectly.

"Panic immobilized the bodies
and surrender in silence
was all there is"
-Yeah. that thing again. lol. Was all there is doesn't sound right to me. Was all there was is probably what you want to use. But, what do I know? Nothing. Lol.

Overall, I think this poem was amazing. It was full of excellent vocabulary and a unique format. It was a wonderful read about nature and life itself. Great work. I didn't really find anything wrong with this poem but what I mentioned above. Another great write. 5/5.

Through Her Eyes (7)
by BangAndWeAllDied

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-09

" funeral, a family gathered around a coffin
crying, and hugging each other, reassuring each other
that everything is going to be okay, that she's in a better place now"
``I love how you describe all these things, I could picture them perfectly. Especially this one, because I've been to one funeral in my lifetime and this was the exact scene - like all funerals.

"Envision: a teenager, with blond hair, blue eyes,
reminiscing the days when she could see a fire in
the eyes of a stranger, everything was so vivid, so clear,
but now, everything she sees is dull, lifeless, dead.

RIP Nana. "
``Wow, this is terribly sad. If this is a real person who died, I'm terribly sorry because It seems like you were close to her.

``Overall, a well done poem.. Awesome vocabulary and you definatly made the reader picture these things.. like perfectly. I could picture them so vividly. I love how you used different words like; imagine, envision, picture...because you didn't use the same word over and over. They were different words, yet they meant the same thing. I liked how you did that.. It was perfect. Great poem, I thought it was kind of sad but you portrayed that feeling oh so well.

``5/5.

Am I still me? (15)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-07

"Or into a robot
Me is turning to be"
-you have some improper English. maybe reword "me is turning to be.." because you wouldn't say me is... you would have to say something like or into a robot, like i'm turning out to be. -how about something like that? I guess I don't know. You choose what you wanna say. :]

"Boredom paralyzed my days"
-oh, i like this! paralyzed. what an excellent word to use. very unique way of explaining boredom's affect.

"Painful tryst left me with regret"
-maybe it's just a unfamiliar word to me.. is tryst really a word? or did you mean trust?

I love your word-choice throughout this whole poem. It was perfect. I love how the title fit this piece so very well. I love how you question yourself in this poem was to whether you are that "flying smart little bee" or if you really are the robot you believe you are turning into. I love this. It was a really good poem, 5/5.

Heartfelt "See You Later." (6)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-07

"Yes, you're amazing standing before me
Captivating my young heart and giving it wings"
-Oh, how beautifully written. :]

"Everyone crosses paths with another for a reason"
-Yes, that is so true. (:

"Thank you for strolling alongside my heart"
-This is adorable and I love how you used the word strolling. Great choice of words.

"I'm grateful for having been in such a presence
You've taught me how to love unconditionally"
-Awww.

"
Along with showing me it's always okay to take risks
As you continue on your journey I only wish you the best
This isn't a tearful goodbye but a heartfelt "see you later"
-I loved these last few lines. Totally amazing. Of course, you must take risks dear.. It's something you've learned.. I know you have..! There is nothing wrong with taking a risk in life. The last two lines were just perfect. It was such a beautiful way of putting it. It isn't a tearful goodbye, but a heartfelt see you later. Which makes the reader happy because these two people will see eachother again, and won't be completely torn apart. Which is good. (: This poem was very good. You expressed your feelings greatly. I loved it sweetie. 5/5.

Learning To Fly With Broken Wings. (7)
by CourtneyyContageous

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-05

You have such a positive attitude. Wow. It's really truely amazing to see. You will patch up the holes in your wings and fly again. I love how you used this. Because, it's truely how people describe things these days. Like they are a bird or something. I loved this poem because of the positive attitude that I got from the author of the poem. Great job. 5/5.

Cold, Lonely Road (2)
by BREEawNUHH

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-04

"It's dirty and it's trashed
with all the beer bottles and cans.
That's where the beauty comes from
the bums holding out their hands."
-I love how you went on to describe this "cold, lonely road." It really gives the audience [the readers] a clear picture in their mind instead of having to infer.

"It's dark and it's damp
and the smell is graveolent."
-Oh, excellent word. Graveolent. Probably meaning not a very pleasent smell. :]

"They'll never judge you here
on the road of deadly disease.
You're welcomed with open arms
and you'll always feel at ease."
-I loved this stanza. I began reading the poem thinking this poem was one of the worst roads that someone could live on, but there are also good things about it.. nobody is judged and all are welcomed. (:

"I promise you'll be fine
on this dirty but safe road.
It's scattered with garbage
because the trash cans are overflowed."
-I liked this stanza.. it sort of summarized everything I've read thus far in this poem.

"This cold, lonely road
is the place that I stroll.
It's my only peace
in this hell hole."
-Well done. Great repitition. (:

Overall, a really good poem. Such a dark poem, but it is overall a very good poem and you get the feeling of how terrible this road can be like dirty wise, but the people are welcoming and don't judge you. Great job. This poem was very well written and had a nice touch of word-choice that was amazing. *5/5*

Lost Dreams Don't Shatter; They Bleed Hope. (26)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-03

First off, let me just compliment you on a wonderful title. It is a unique title that makes sense. :]

"Tripping on broken promises and unchanging lies"
-Wow. Excellent word-choice. Tripping on broken promises & unchanging lies. I would have probably said something more simpler and boring. Stumbling would be a good word as well. :]

"Faithful love destined to shift mountains...buckled"
-I saw "shift mountains" and I thought about Usher's song.. "Moving Mountains", lol. Just thought I'd tell you that. :]

"Optimism building in yearning heart diminished"
-Wow, great word choice again. Yearning seems like one of your favorite words. Diminished.. wow. Great synonyms.

"She fell deeply in the unknown with no fear, worry
Downside? Young girl required to carry a safety net"
-This was excellently worded. I read the first line thinking oh, she fell so deeply without worry.. now what..? I love how you say it required the girl to carry a safety net. That was a unique way of putting it.

"Drying tears visible on a face where smiles once shined
Taking her compassion selfishly with nothing in return
Damaged heart, an apparent understatement ...fading
Lost in an abyss of distorted shrills and unfamiliarity"
-You did a excellent job towards the end of this stanza where you describe how the girl is feeling. She has a broken heart & she is "lost in an abyss of distorted shrills and unfamiliarity." Awesome wording. (:

"Endless wishes whispered to the stars seep through"
-Wow. This was worded beautifully. Wishes being whispered to the stars..

"But his rejection instilled in her passion to thrive; fly
Shattered dreams might remain but she's kept the pieces"
-This was sad a little bit, the whole rejection thing, however.. these lines were again.. just worded sooo perfectly. You did a magnificant job with word-choice in this poem. It's blowing me away.

"Oozing...dripping...seeping...leaking...bleeding...hope."
-Woww. This kind of sums of your title.. "Lost Dreams Don't Shatter; They Bleed Hope." Oh, hun, that title is so perfect for this poem.

"Another day waits beyond the horizon, a new tomorrow. "
-You definatly left the reader on a pretty good note.. that there is a new tomorrow & like a new day to start over with a clean slate; a new beginning almost. :)

Overall, wow. I was floored and it took me forever to read this poem.. I loved every sing word of this poem. Excellent word-choice. Excellent write. I was very impressed. :] 5/5.

Prayers (19)
by Genuine Lavender

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-02

Okay, you said I should be honest. So, I will try my best. (: First off, I think you are doing a good job, but a bit of puncuation probably wouldn't help. In fact, it will help your flow so much. I guess I just realized you do use it later in the poem, so it probably would be better if you used it throughout the whole poem, instead of just one section.

"Nothing sedated me
Even drug abuse"
-Excellently worded. When I think about sedated I would think about drugs.. so this line is very well written, IMO.

"That one who can hear
My agonizing sigh?"
-I don't think you need a question mark after these lines.. Maybe look that over.

"Pleading to my Lord
In that silent night,
Give me strength
Bravery and delight."
-Wow, this is excellent. I finally got to see where your whole title thought came from. Now, I'm beginning to see these things that you are praying for. Which makes me even more interested to read the rest of this poem.

"Empower me;
To release myself of that cage"
-I think you meant to say from instead [of] of in the second line. Correct?

"Empower me;
To be as calm and free
As I always used to to be.. "
-This was wonderful, again. I love how those last few lines you repeated.. "Empower me" Empower is a excellent word to use here. These last few lines kind of said everything, I think. It summed everything all up very nicely. 5/5.

The Diary; Confessions of a Loving Heart. (6)
by Blissful

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-02

"Perhaps tomorrow I will take that leap into everlasting love and she will be happily be by my side with my hand clasped firmly in hers."
-This really kicked me in the butt, and again I told myself, I NEED to take that leap of faith in my situation. It just needs to happen. Because, something so amazing could happen in the end. This line was worded absolutely perfectly.... <3


"Dream girl, dream boy take that chance
Find the sensation many only speak of
Don't let fear overwhelm your souls
Love is an emotion worth fighting for "
-OMG, Bliss! This is like the best quote/stanza I've heard in my entire life.. "Love is an emotion wroth fighting for." So fricking true, my lovely. That is just 100% true. Love is worth fighting for, because the result could be the most amazing thing in the world. Just, wow. Um, girlll... This was just worded perfectly. (: Woww. Tempsie loves this.

Overall, wow. This was the most excellent poem I've read in a VERY long time. It had sooo many emotions that the girl and guy were feeling in both of the dairy entries. Both dairy entries were worded so perfectly.. like these feelings coming from these two lover's hearts were being split on paper for the world to see. Everything was perfectly expressed from the heart. (: Excellent work. This poem was one of those poems I couldn't stop reading because some of the lines were just so stunning and caught my eye. WOWWWZERS. 5/5.

Anorexia nervosa poem (27)
by Noor says promises are meant to last

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-01

"How much I weight now"
-Did you mean to say weigh?

"I can be whole day without eating"
-Did you mean to say.. "I can go a whole day without eating...." ??

"Everyone likes thin girls,
haven't you realize?"
-Realize should be realized.

"Welcome to world of anorexia
where there is no mercy for fatties"
-I loved this last line.

Overall, an okay poem. The wording sometimes didn't go very well, but overall.. Good. 4/5.

Fractured Twilight Librettos (18)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-23

Wow. This poem was amazing. You expressed every little feeling you had inside you and how these words that he said on the phone made you felt. I really loved this poem, beacause you took the slightest of words and put them into quotes.. then you go on and just say how they make you feel at the moment. Usually poems like these that are little bits of a conversation, are blah and boring. But you took this to a whole new level, you put down on paper what those words made you feel like.. the emotions in this poem are soooo great. They are so clear. This poem is excellent. I loved this a lot. It was so amazing. Great work my dear =) 5/5

The Road to Heaven (12)
by The Angel of Secrets

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-23

"The weeks passes,"
-You can't have a plural verb with a plural subject. So, it should be "The weeks pass..."

"He has tied her to the bed, in is hand, a knife,"
-Oops. Is should be his. :)

"She asks for help, cause she knows she can't win without a fight.
She ask for someone to come and help, she can't do this all alone."
-You kind of repeated here in both lines that she was asking for help. I wouldn't do that, just add that she can't do it all alone to the first line somehow, or reword the second.

"The little girl was me, at a turning point in my life,
The day I saw the only one I had was me and my knife"
-OMG. Really? Wow. I'm speechless. I'm soo sorry to hear that happened to you. This line gave me goosebumps. It kind of creeped me out =|

"God had not protected her, therefore betrayed my trust,"
-You said God had not protected her. Obviously you are talking about YOU here, so shouldn't you say my? I see you used you then used my.

"If that bastard goes to heaven when he dies, then I don't want to go."
-Wow. I love this line. I hope that this nasty guy doesn't go to heaven, he deserves to go to hell. My opinion!

Overall, a really good poem, .. however.. very very sad and I got goosebumps. What a creepy story.. and what a ugly man - who would ever do such a thing. This was more of a story, but that didn't really matter to me. You wrote the story soo well, so descriptive, and with such imagery which was amazing. I could actually picture it. Also, the flow was amazing with the awesome rhyming. You did a very good job. Nice work. 5/5.

All Out Of Love (10)
by Dawn aka Dominique

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-19

"Your not worth a dime"
-You're, not your.

"No can ever fix your damage"
-Noone, not no.

"They'd have to fix it from the start "
-I wouldn't use fix again right in the next line, maybe use a synoynm for fix.

Great poem and great message that you are all out of love and you're left with a broken heart.. great work 5/5.

Family Blues (wrote this for class) (3)
by Mallory

commented by Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-11

"My family is changing
I don't want it to.
Yes my family is changing
and I don't want it to."
-You said the same thing twice. We now your family is changing, and you don't want it to. Just say it once, I think the reader understands. :)

"We sat on the couch
and had a family meeting.
Yes we sat on the couch
and had a family meeting."
-Again, don't repeat your lines. Once is enough. The reader understands your point.

"I wish it didn't happen
I wish i didn't know.
I wish it won't happen
so I'd never know
All I know is
I'm gonna miss him so. "
-Capitolize your I again. ;) Make the poem neat. :]]
-Again, you did some repeating. But in this case, I think it's alright for this stanza. It didn't throw me off like the other stanzas did.

Sorry, I'm picky. I've been tought so much about poetry from comments that I've gotten, and I try my best to pass it on to others, so they can improve their poetry as well as I can improve mine. :] Hope you consider my suggestions. :) Keep improving! 3/5

Pause; A zoom in behind her face (6)
by Choose xX Alex Xx Life

commented by RubberDuckiex3 ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-07

Lets see if I can give you any suggestions. Here we go. I'll try to be as detailed as possible. :]

First stanza;

"Bolts of lightning, bolts of fear, bolts of force from the tempo of her life;
how strong one's mind can be, then instantly like a disaster it falls.
To her knees, they're red with anger. To her hands they beg the lord;
her thoughts are sliced neatly with a knife."

-This was a very great way to start the poem.
I love how you start out with such powerful lines XD

Second Stanza;

"This unbearable pain sweeps a wind up her body; blurring as images speed up,
this process of linear life structure has made normality the reality.
No understanding of the underworld's brutality,
this free world has this girl gassed up."
-Love your word choice. Great flow. The rhyming is great. Your sticking with the ABBA scheme. Well done!

Third Stanza;

"Legs glued to the ground, terrified of her dreams, unable to speak out.
The test she holds, as does she hold her stomach,
to the devious father of course it is just a gimmick;
yet her thoughts are with him throughout."
-You couldn't have put that any better. "Legs glued to the ground." That is just a really awesome way of description.

Final & Fourth Stanza;

"Pause; a zoom in behind her face, behind the smile and the mascara on her eyes.
The feeling she holds is totally crossed;
remarkably happy, yet remarkably lost.
Yet her presence, yet her plans have failed to sensationalize"

I love your word choice here as well. It works out very well in this poem. The rhyme scheme is still there. :] Great work!

Overall;
I love how you contributed the title into the poem.
You did a excellent job with your word choice, very unique words that were used.
The rhyme scheme you stuck with throughout the entire poem.
My thoughts on just ending the poem or contining to add on to it? Well, to me.. It sounds fine the way it is. However, people may think differently. If you have some possible ideas of what you could add, yeah, I say good ahead. There's always room for more. If others give you any suggestions you may decide to use those. But, for me.. I think it's alright the way it is if you just stop it right here. :]

5/5.

Great Work

Come into my World [Dreams into Reality] (19)
by Blissful

commented by RubberDuckiex3 ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-29

"Just contemplating of how amazing they'd be together
Make her blush with pleasure revealing true happiness"
-Make should be makes I think. But I'm probably wrong. Lol.


Oh, this is wonderful. It's true love. You expressed this soo well. The imagery was so outstanding it was just beautifulll. :] Oh, Ablissful... You nailed this one! I loved this poem a ton. I could relate.. All the feelings you have for someone you truely like.. =) It was one of thee most beautiful poems i've read in a looong time. :) Way to go. Keep it up...! XD 5/5 alwayyys.

Wild Passion (8)
by Michael D Nalley

commented by RubberDuckiex3 ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-27

"Tears streamed down while I remembered a happier day"
-Obviously tears are streaming down your face. I loved how you didn't say.. "Tears streamed down my face.".. I can definatly tell you realize that the readers can infer something liek that without you saying it. :]

"I never let you know that I would have loved to kindle the old flame"
-Shouldn't it be re-kindle the old flame? Just a guess?

"I treasure to this day each smile, you gave me, as your memory yet lingers"
-Hmm.. I don't think a comma is needed after smile.

"You still live inside of me, my dear friend, right here in my poetic heart
Life, nor death, could separate us and wild horses couldn't pull us apart"

^ Your last two lines were by far the best. They were my favorite =) Awesome writing!

Overall, awesome job. I loved the rhyming, that made the poem flow real nice! I love the title also! =) 5/5. Keep it up.

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