Praised comments by Valedico

Solitude (7)
by Krathia

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-09-10

I won't baby you. You have a lot to learn but I think you're a raw talent, your work has a distinct human touch and whilst this poem failed to shine in some places, I loved the tenacity in your words and the vunerability here. I'm usually a big cynic of poems like this, I used to write them; I still do, I feel this of a release, a personal piece -- I think you probably wrote this inspired by some deep feeling because I think it shows. Onto the actual poem.

'We dreamt in darkness,
a memory where there was no light'

One of these lines needs to be crossed out. May I suggest removing 'where there was no light', it's clumsy and following from 'we dreamt in darkness, a memory...' and continue there with the significance of the memory, not a reinstatement.


'Soothing shadows, umbral sighs
and barefooted walks from the doorway
(hush of the close)
to the bed.'

I feel your parenthesis worked better later on in the poem. Umbral is a pretty word but what give this piece a human touch was not the fancy words but the tone. You don't have to try and be clever to achieve this; it comes naturally.

' barefooted walks from the doorway'

holds a significance as a vivid memory. You need lines like this to increase the image.

I liked the second stanza:

'those caresses never reached
further than skin, never traveled
deeper than flesh.'

Seemed to reveal the lack of emotion since the 'touch' was only every physical? Or perhaps shows the fear and tentativeness of the persona. Thing is, the first line 'we feared taction' is too telling. I don't think you need it. Another example of a nice sound but...meaningless in context.

'Your hair spilled across my shoulders;
a velvet whisper over my nape,
and I hugged you closer, burying my tears
in your trembling arms. '

'Across' could be replaced, as 'spilled over' might be a better way of saying it. It doesn't quite sound right. 'Velvet' whisper. No, no. 'A whisper' is good enough for me. Sounds nice too. Singular, too. Quite ambigious.

How does one 'bury tears'. You could show the vunerability more here by having the persona not admit she was crying but through the image of 'burying her head' it shows her weakness, and her fear of showing it. Might be a nice touch.

'In the darkest of summer nights,
I was cold.'

See this could be improved a bit, too. To suggest it was a summer night and the persona was cold are two bits of contrasting information that could really work. Shows loneliness a lot more than forcefeeding 'darkness'. Especially since you repeat it in the transition to the next stanza.

'and imagined touches, perhaps,
(don't leave me)
that only caused me pain.'

I loved that. And the proceeding stanza and final couplet. It seems to tell a mini story. You need not be so forcing of unneccessary words, and forcing your emotions on the reader. Subtelty is your friend. Use it.

Keep it up.

Isosceles. (1)
by Novalyn Grace RR

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-09-09

I got the recurring theme of symmetry here, I'm not quite sure if it was intentional, but the title and the significance of that particular type of triangle, I've heard the phrase 'life is an isosceles triangle' before, and that kinda entered my mind when I was reading it; also the continuous opposites portrayed here like the dream, and the waking up, the sharp realisation of reality. Also laughing/crying, rationality/and again reality. Sometimes reality cleanses us, or scrubs us off our more outlandish desires, the 'impossible' becoming a word that's etched further into our minds, it's stifling when sometimes there's not even a semblance of good fortune lingering in front of us. I was curious though, at the significance of the 'triangle' later on in this piece when you talked about fate, and how triangles are often seen as a moment when you can take one of two opposite decisions but still end up in the same place.

When you mentioned 'love' and the notion of it triangulating, it got me thinking and I don't really wanna go off on a tangent here but it reminded me of an 'isosceles love triangle', which I've seemed to forgotten the definition of. Hah. Useless. Anywayy: I was left questioning in my head what you meant by the thought, and the significance of insanity and death. I'll give it another ponder when my mind isn't mashed potato. (:

It's a the helplessness in this poem was striking, simply because of how I can of course relate to your words here, 'time and space replaced my fate', that was so saddening but I loved the cadence of it. Really made it stood out. Brilllll. When you discussed 'stale emotions' I couldn't help but think of when unwanted feelings linger in the backs of our mind, sometimes feelings that feel fresh for a while often wilt a little bit. Of course, the ones that were good can always be restored but it's upto us to recycle the negatives into something positive, is it not? I don't even know if that was what you're talking about, but behold the joys of alternate readings and opinion! :)
I noticed a very tired tone here, as if the narrator feels like they can't continue much longer with the dead weights on their shoulders, not necessarily close to completely giving in but that stage where the limpness in your body and mind feels like someone threw you on a bed and turned off the light. That's my awful attempt at explaining it. I love the intensity in your words here, though. Saddening as they may be, it's a powerful piece of writing, simply because 1. you're a wordsmith! x) and 2. because when we read someone elses thoughts and they're conveyed in such a similar fashion to how we think it, only narrated better; it's more of a powerful experience to read.
There's a lot in here, many images that I'd love to go over and discuss.

Pleasure reading your work as always.

Yellow and You (1)
by bhaskaryya

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-28

The ending delivered what the rest of the poem did not. You could actually scrap the remains of the poem and leave that last stanza as an ambigious lament or something. Kudos, on your language in the final stanza, especially in the last stanza.

'Yellow and you
are more than
mere alliteration.'

Not needed. Ask yourself what purpose it serves to your piece? Ask me and I'll say that

'Halogen lamps
remind me of the streets'

Is a better opening simply because it's to the point and doesn't seem like a pompous introduction or attempt at intelligence. May you not try so hard. Keep the above bit I posted. I like it. 'yellow and you' is fine as a title, thus the intro is not needed. The reader will see the 'alliteration' and yo and behold, they've used their mind to work out the significance.

'and blinded by youth.'

is one of those cliches. Show you were 'blinded' by youth. I'm reading this, and I'm being told what happened. Make me think.

'And yet, I could never
call you a cliche.'

Okay, I like where you're coming from, but you couldn't call 'someone' a cliche anyway since a cliche is an idea, or expression. A human is a human.

'All that now remain of you
are yellow teeth
from cigarettes smoked
in your remembrance,
wishing memories were
yellowing pages
of countless poems
I have written for you.'

Half of this I like; half I don't. The last bit comes across lazy, why must you force the significance of 'yellow' onto the reader and better question might be, what is the point? The point of the poem seems to me to juxtapose a 'memory of a loved one' with a colour.

Saying that, there are some bits in here I like. I don't hate it, in fact it's better than a lot I've read on this site but...hey, maybe it's just me. I don't..get it.

An Adagio Evening (1)
by bhaskaryya

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-25

Very hit and miss poem you've created here; shallow and often somewhat disquieting; very little room for development, and the images created in the first stanza become insignificant to the poem's entirety when I reach the end.

'The music hums in my ears
melancholy as never before
and the roses laid on the table
are as red as one from those cliched poems
i dug out from my closet last night'

Surely 'the music' isn't an important factor, but since you've used it to open your poem; what is the significance? 'Hum' is a lazy verb, and the adjective 'melancholy' does not seem fitting in the context it's in. The first stanza seems to lack thought. Very rushed. Awkward in mentioning your 'cliched poems', and quite ironic too when you've used one of the oldest cliches in the book; a rose. What is the significance of these 'poems' you retreived from the cloest?

'like a pearl made of dewdrop
on the tip of a leaf'

This simile is far too clumsy and at two lines, it takes up too much space. It's detached from the first stanza too, when the detail here is farfetched but opposite above. Don't try too hard.

'and hesitant fingers intertwine
to compensate for the loss of words'

Loss of words? Shouldn't it be 'lack of words'? I don't get how fingers intertwining compensates for 'words'.

'Slowly we savour each drop of caffeine
dipped in vanilla essence
relishing life
the way we knew it before
rejoicing in the fact
that it'd be smoke ever after'

The problem with this stanza is the transition in tone. I don't really get the image you're trying to create here. The poem is unfortunately very clumsy, very awkward, much like the supposed silence between this 'couple', that don't really get their justice as 'characters'.

'
'The sun disappears into naught
as if covered by a magic shawl
at first orange
and suddenly all black'

Compared to your other poem; this is very weak. Why would the shawl be 'magic', there need not be a pre-modifier. Plus this is an overused image, and what it represents is too blindly obvious.

Didn't care at all for this poem. Much preferred your other. Nothing original nor striking here.

Natural painting (32)
by Rainbow Dancing

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-20

Your poems are so vibrant and full of life! I love this, because of it's simplicity yet complexity in deliveration.

'Single white flower maturing by a spring.
Kissed- whisper soft by butterfly wings.'

Only error I find here is punctuation. These full stops allow for two pauses, and when the poem bounces along like yours should, I think you may be better off replacing the first full stop with a semi-colon. :) Or even replace the second, to allow the stanza to flow, carried by the words, not the punctuations. Loved the images here.

'virgin bloom attracts.'

I found a syntax error here, but this can be swapped around quite easily. You need an article like 'a' or 'the' to enable this to make sense.

'Curious hummingbird dart by to see,
piloting though the sycamore trees.'

Dart should be 'darts'. :) 'piloting' was an excellent verb, well done, and the precise description of the tree gives us a better image. Great.

'sparkle on display.'

Sparkle should be 'sparkles'.

This is a great write, for reasons I've stated. Really nice work. :)

A Soul of Nine Lives. (10)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-12

I liked the attitude in this piece Temps, and it's somewhat...different for you.

'One's soul can only
take so much--
but mine...has nine lives;
it will persevere,
rather than surrender. '

I don't like the 'nine lives' reference, it can be considered cliche, and you could deliver your optimism better here; whereas the last lines communicate in the way the rest of your poem should. No need for the elipsis here too.

'It's grasp is of concrete
strength'

This doesn't make sense because of it's ambiguity, what is the soul 'grasping'?

'optimism traces
the edges of this fighting
heart'

If the 'heart' is relevant, why is it brought up at the beginning of the poem, when the narrator is describing the soul? The transition is awkward and doesn't follow, it'd be better off in it's own stanza.

'negativity is invisible
in the form of ashes.'

How can invisible be in a form?

'
Despite the burden
of intricate roadblocks
tossed unexpectedly
in front of lively aspirations, '

This is really well put; well done. The only problem I have is the two lines that follow:

'nothing will damage these
tangible feelings I withhold.'

Tangible doesn't really...say what you want it to, because of it's connotations, it's a case of changing that adjective because it feels like an anomalie in that stanza.

'I refuse to abandon their
pureness'

Don't like it at all. Very clumsy. It's clear what you're talking about but it's off-putting.

'Allowing them to drift away,
means letting you go
as well;'

Allowing something to drift away IS letting them go, so it seems pointless to repeat it

' that's the last
scenario I want to come true.'

Is kind of a different tone; don't mention it 'coming true', since the narration has been optimistic all the way through, end it with something to sum up the 'optimistic' thoughts that you've shared throughout the poem; the ending undermines most of it, in my opinion.

Anonymous Heroes. [Collab] (7)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-12

The sentiment in this poem is great though a lot of the lines are clumsy and awkward; the form is too over the place too, and the transitions are a bit untidy.

'Coated concrete gray skies hover overhead
this somber atmosphere, as silence cloaks
eerie gunshots blasted into motionless air,
causalities of war line the stony unknown road
in patriotic caskets; voiceless farewells
exposed through mournful glazed'

Far too many adjectives here; I count about ten? There's no need for most of them as they don't really add much. For example 'coated' is not needed; 'silence cloaks eerie gunshots' doesn't make sense, you could say how there's silence post-gunshot, but the phrasing is very messy here. 'patriotic caskets'
You really need a better adjective here...'patriotic' is a no no.

'voiceless farewells
exposed through mournful glazed eyes.'

Good, but 'mournful glazed eyes' is a mouthful. I also think 'expressed' would be better than 'exposed'.

Quick bit of advice my tutors give me, take out all your adjectives and you have your story so here it would be:

The skies hover overhead
the atmosphere, as silence cloaks
gunshots blasted into the air,
causalities of war line the road
in caskets; farewells
exposed through their eyes.

Then you'll see how you can communicate things better.

'A flag rises in the distance; set at half mast
as soldiers simultaneously march home,'

Good line, though you could show the fatigue of the soldiers to suggest they 'trudge' home.

'unsung path,'

Does not make sense.

'in sullen darkness; in a bare ruined choir with muted
tones sang a pallid musical performance of silent days past,
in remembrance of those who faded with this sunset.'

This could be phrased better. The last line needs 'this' changing to 'the'. Get rid of 'bare', and 'pallid' because these words do not fit, try not to overcommunicate everything. Simplicity is key.

'The spectator woods trembled on songs,
leaves swayed showering the dusk's dew,
like petals on the weary band,
and wept their burthen to the ground.'

This is great, except 'spectator woods' needs to be rephrased to. 'The woods; spectators'. Just to make it flow better. Good, though.

'
A blossomy bud from the murkiness
hopped in front of him; he felt the smiles
of a flower, like his friend he loved and lost
to the fields of blood; '

I don't like this because it's a long sentence which has too many clunky filler words. 'Blossomy', nooo. 'Hopped' doesn't fit the image. 'Smiles of a flower', this doesn't make sense, and the final bit I've pasted is cliched. However;

'that hid in his wintry weathered beard.'

I loved that.

'The circle-shaped smoke swirled about,'

Circle-shaped smoke? Bit awkward, again, no need for forcing descriptions, it's a poem; not prose. Communication is key here, your images have to be clear.

'touching the invisible fringes of darkness,'

Okay, we get it's dark, you don't need to reinforce that idea all the time.

'leaving behind the ash like his friend
who touched the rims of the infinity'

I liked that, great touch.

'and left behind the memories to haunt.'

That's fine, I guess. Bit trite, but it fits.

What I didn't like is that at the beginning you have this scene of the solidiers, all as one, then half way through, you zoom in on a random soldier, who's lost a friend? They would have all lost a friend, in this poem, you needed to evoke empathy and what you've done is focused on one soldier, whilst it would have been better to focus on the unit, zooming in from time to time, not trailing off half way through.

The transition to the second to last stanza is too sudden and

'arrived home embraced by warm praises
by throngs of his country men'

What time are we talking about here? 'Country men' makes it sound medieval, or something haha. Most modern wars, the men aren't given 'warm praises'. Look at Vietnam.

'These victory rallies full of appreciation
and praise to the battlefields drenched
in death, those fighters now amongst
ruins in cold wilted graves, lie hopeless
and anonymous; shadowed by survivors.'

Nice ending but 'wilted graves'? Doesn't work. I liked 'drenched in death.' whereas 'hopeless' doesn't need to be stated, but the final line is great.

It's really hit and miss for me, there's some great bits, and some really odd images. The clarity is a bit off, too but the sign of effort is there. It needs a lot of work but thanks for sharing.

Comatose (Zanila Rhyme) (7)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-12

Good job on the form, Joe, though your consistent use of polysylabbics makes this piece lack communication and direction. I'm not going to pick it apart but I've noticed this in your recent writes that you're trying too hard and as a result, your narration is suffering. You're using too much high frequency lexis, and unrealising that sometimes it becomes clumsy. Not your best piece by far, I didn't think it had significant direction, nor any beginning, middle, or end. With this form, too, that relies on syllable count, why fill it up with words that don't really add anything?
Exemplifying - 5 syllables, yet seems out of place, do you see what I mean?

'suffocating all that's bright and light.'

This doesn't really make much sense either. Try to read over your poems with a different eye, something that makes sense to you might make no sense to someone else. Try to refrain from the overuse of these big words, focus on your communication, which is your weakest aspect, and probably the weakest aspect of most amateur poets like all of us on this site.

In My Heart (13)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-12

See, I'm not a big fan of this kind of love poetry, but there's an exception rising in this particular piece. Whilst I don't think it's original, and what love poems are nowadays? I think it's simple and well communicated, you didn't digress from the narrative and kept it simple. A sweet poem/dedication from you.

'Whenever I feel lost or lonely,

'I only have to place my hand
upon my chest
to feel his presence
there. '

Such a lovely sentiment.

Good write, Ingrid. I liked the simple approach here.

Wanderlust (6)
by Krathia

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-12

It's funny because I recently wrote something with the exact same title; though what I wrote was prose, but it caught my eye - a beautiful piece. It might sound strange to say but I see echoes of the style I write in here, I think I can appreciate your word choice and use of image quite easily here.

'I walked in nightfall,
Stumbling along sinister lines
Of your smile. Untrodden paths slither
Beneath charcoal skies, trail of ashes
Leading toward... somewhere,
Under burnt-out star'

You paint a lovely image here without overburdening it with adjectives, the tone was relaxed and simple yet your deliveration was strong. However, I feel

'Stumbling along sinister lines
Of your smile.'

Seemed quite out of place; the introduction of personal pronouns was too sudden for me. It just semeed to read a bit off.

I've been angry lately at the people who don't use elipsis correctly, you use it correctly here, the particular useage I'm referring to that works well is:

'I wanted to... love one
Velvet dream, to kiss'

I found your transition to third stanza quite professional.

'your inky, wind-clear eyes, to caress
The glow of your parted -

No...'

It's fleeted, the piece drifts through and I think it's marvellously crafted.

'like whispered melodies
from tired lips'

This is a cliche, I believe.

'you
vanished, leaving behind
midnight petals that drifted,
drifted, soundless, to my feet.'

The tone of sadness here is striking. I get an image of a lonely character, hopeless and wandering towards a dead end, feeling comforted in her dreams; her thoughts.

This:

'I breathed out
Too many metaphors
That spelled out your name,
Too many sighs
That echoed your slumber.'

Is excellent. Worthy of praise just on it's own.

I shan't pick it apart anymore, another great write from you, you exceed my expectations with every new piece you write.

Well done!

Paint Me Beautiful (16)
by Luanne

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-08-12

This is a poetic triumph, Luanne.

The tone of morning is a suitable one, the feeling of optimism, of a new day; a warm greeting. I feel the image of morning works well in this piece, and the various images you paint are well crafted. It exudes themes of friendship without being too spoon-feeding.

'bronze toned beaches
beneath an ivory sky
as silver ripples whisper'

If you take your three colours here; I don't think they blend as well as they could. Since they're imporant to establish this scene, I think that 'ivory' disagrees with the 'bronze', you also have 'bronze' and 'silver', I think it'd be a nice touch to have 'under a golden sun', so you get all three of those related colours.
Just an idea, hah.

I don't think this stanza, though:

'Eye colors may differ,
yet all see the same!
Color of skin,
nationality,
personality
all different.'

Serves a purpose, other than to spoon-feed. Just an opinion, but if you took it out, it wouldn't make a difference to the poem.

I shan't pick this apart, but it's another well written piece from you. Well done. :)

A Journey Into Your Life (5)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Noctua ( F P C D ) at 2009-07-06

A good attempt considering poetic prose is something that takes a bit of work. It needs refinement and what this piece seems to lack is clear concentrated thought.

'Your love surrounds me like a tan embracing my skin'

Could be rephrased as it's a bit clumsy. A tan doesn't' surround, so another word could be picked. If her love is like a tan, perhaps you're trying to say that she is the sun, which isn't a bad notion. It's your word choice that is a bit off in this piece. Every word is essential in writing, one word can throw the whole thing off.

'an sentimental journey. '

Minor error, it should be 'a' not 'an'. I also think 'sentimental' doesn't quite get forth what you're trying to.

'It's a journey in the lines of fire in which I'm willing to partake.'

I like this but it almost contrasts with the scattered images of this journey. Broken hearts, sentimental, line of fire. None of these really can be strung together.

'You're the coffee that I drink: strong, bold, and sweet. I can taste the sweet tenderness amdist my lips, I can smell the beautiful fragrance emitted; and I tell myself, I must be dreaming, dreaming of you, once again.'

This could be really trite and cliche but I really loved it. Well written here. I wouldn't say 'beautiful' though. A relating description to the 'coffee' image perhaps?

The following stanza is very awkward though. Paintings paint a thousand words, yet youre contrasting this by writing about the painting you're painting in the words? Leave out the reference to the 'journey' here too, because it doesn't follow very well from the previous sentence.

'Reality smacked me right in the face. I must of be blind...

I no longer daydream, because I have you.'

This could be better, cause I can see what you're trying to do. Don't say 'I no longer daydream', say something like 'I daydream when I'm not with you' not them words but you know what I mean. Don't be so telling.

A good effort Joe, with some flaws, but you did well.

Swallow Your Heart. (30)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-29

Now a poem is never by any means perfect, but some poems have an honest tone which carry the words throughout. I did, on first read think that 'swallow your heart' was quite a strange image, but once you've esablished the heart as metaphoric, you can't change that in the course of the poem, and whilst I found this poem one of your strongest, I can't shake the feeling that the first stanza is somewhat detatched from the rest of the poem.
The idea of paralellism is constant in this poem, which was a nice touch; the two hearts, the emotions, light/night. You handled consistency well there.

I think you might need to replace:

'our hearts cuddling...'

Because, quite frankly, it's too odd to fit. I guess it's okay to use abstract images but I think the 'hearts cuddling' image is rather obscure.

'You could be my candle
light on shadowed nights,
my sunrise
in the morning...

...the ray of my world'

Could have been easily cliche and trite but...I like it, there's something in the simplicity of it that's quite soothing to read.

Another thing I have to suggest is this last line:

'May I swallow your heart?'

It sounded to me (not your intention) quite creepy. I don't think this adds anything anyway, at least nothing concluding. It's almost like a threat, haha.

Well done on this, though. One of your better pieces.

Friendship on Fire. (5)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-21

I think 'wood slabs' is the least poetic phrase in this piece and as a starting phrase, it needs to be stronger. If you're suggesting that friendship is related to a burning piece of wood, you could perhaps deliver it better. Is one friendship a collection of wood or just one piece? Be precise.

'As fervor is drizzled atop,
affection bursts
into scorching flames,
blazing with passion. '

The transition here was neat, but it happens too quickly, as soon as it's drizzled on top, it suddenly bursts alight. The continuity is a bit off there. 'Blazing with passion' is also a bit trite and it's just a case of removing 'passion' because it doesn't get across what you need it to.

'Burning rapidly,
lust releases itself
permeating two hearts
with love's scent.'

The metaphor dies here, you don't need 'hearts' and you could compare loves scent to the scent of wood burning, if this was your metaphor. I admire your choice of metaphor, I just think you forgot about it here. 'Lust' is too abstract too, lust is not love, yet you're juxtaposing them too clumsily. Your idea is there but the execution is off.

'The warmth melts
their souls into one,
as friendship
is set on fire.'

Again, see here, it turns into an ordinary love poem at the end. You started well and went downhill. You mentioned 'wood' and now we're talking about souls? Temps you need to focus and keep your reader in your zone otherwise it's just going to trail off like it did here and at the end it's just going to be another average love poem.

This has potential, work on it.

You Can't Crush My Dreams (16)
by Cindy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-10

I honestly think the rhyme you have here disrupts the tone and cadence of your poem and what could potentially be a sad piece for the reader lacks emotional depth because your train of thought is distorted by those monosylabbic rhymes.

'You can forget I live' could be delivered better since 'can' is such a tentative word. I also didn't understand how the first stanza didn't rhyme but the rest did, though as I've mentioned; the predictability of your rhyming E.G. 'tears/fears' makes it impossible for me to get any sort of reaction since there a lot of pieces like this, and I know you can write better.

'You can't take my heart
My memories are real
I lived all these moments
Those you can't steal'

Suggestion here could be to suggest 'you can take my heart' then contrast it with the memories not being able to be stolen? Would make a bigger impact than what you have already. If not you could change the second line because 'memories are real' is an obvious thing to say, and you mentioned your heart to only quickly have a transition to 'memories'. Why don't you make the second line about the heart too?

The contrast in tone towards the last two stanzas confused me since you said 'you can't take my heart' then it's as if the persona wants them towards the end. See contrast in stanzas 5 & 6 with 7 & 8, the tone shifts awkwardly and it's a confusing ending for me.

Not a bad write but you can do a lot better.

Bid me Goodbye! (Shape Poetry) (5)
by Lonely Rider

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-08

We can't (as readers) make the shape of the poem please us if the content isn't too good though.
I was confused at the first bit as you mentioned the first line (which I thought was subjective) was a dream? This undermines the proceedings and is unneeded. Minor typo on metallic by the way.
'Breezy shade' was a clumsy construction and I wasn't keen on 'ungratefulness personified', I am positive there is a way you can deliver this a lot better than you did. The abundance of '!' seemed like filler too.
I liked the idea behind this though it's still a poem and some of the awkward phrases are a bit disquieting. 'Couldn't save you from greed' is an example, since I don't know how 'greed' fits into this. 'His demands' was too vague for me too.

Neat effort and the idea almost worked, I just think the weakness in this poem lies in the sentence constructions. Easily fixed though, it has potential.

The electrocution chair (Villanelle) (4)
by Luna Blue

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-08

I can't see how the sarcastic tone helps this poem at all. It's almost childish in a sense and that continuous rhyme disturbs your piece too.

'For his sins he wouldn't care'

this line becomes repetetive and annoying and it seems to be lodged in everywhere there's a space. There's no real logic in how you've placed it in the poem, and the line itself is a bit weak too, you detatched the 'subject' or character here so all we're doing is getting some wacky narrator appearing like a sadistic freak.

'It was a little girl who wouldn't dare,
to not breath in the danger scented air,'

This needs rephrasing, I really don't know what you're trying to say here. 'Scented with danger' is the grammatical way to write it.

'oh but still they've pointed to his head, '

This disrupts your 'air' rhyming scheme.

The last stanza is (sorry to say this) quite ridiculous and sick actually. The way you repeated 'lets put him in the electrocution chair' didn't make sense cause..they already had and the 'what a scare' bit you added in there was forced. It wouldn't be the judges who'd made the mistake either, it'd be the police or CSI's or the jury.

Gloomy Days and Miss You Moments. (6)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-08

Title was a bit long and unneeded, you could have chosen something a bit more welcoming. Why did you write this in third person? I think it's weaker due to that because in a poem like this, you're narrating as if the third person is the first person, just in how you're phrasing it. It's off putting.

'Sheets of rain fall from the colorless sky,
it's just another gloomy day in her life -'

This is a contradictory opening because you're describing the weather as if it's important then suggesting it's 'just another day' thus making the above image seem boring and not have the gripping opening you might have wanted.

It's very similar to a lot of other poems you've written so to read it was just deja vu of the traits of your older poems, sadness, tear imagery, heart imagery, gloomy imagery, and that third person that you might need to shake because it makes your poems feel empty and too 'storytelling'. The way you've addressed 'you' in this is also confusing, it makes the narrator seem like the persona's best friend or something, and it's quite..odd to say the least. See how:

'Looking out the water-stained window,
I wish to be where you are...
instead of surrounded with these
melancholy skies and gloom.
Words form on my tongue,
and they lie there...eager to be spoken.'

Sounds better; also you need to replace 'gloom' cause you used it already, and something needs to be written before 'words' since it's a little uncreative on it's own.

'faint black streaks cover her cheeks...
but she's okay, she just misses you. '

I don't like the ending because it undermines everything you've said in the poem. It's like describing the most beautiful sunset then saying, 'but I've seen better'.

Not your best write, Temps. It can be modified but I'm still not a fan of the third person, teenage type stuff you're writing here. You can do better.

Hover (2)
by Inside the Liar

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-01

I think the way the poem starts physically then shifts almost suddenly to a wider image is disquieting. Why focus on a moment then disregard it? If you take away the first stanza then the poem isn't really weaker.

'Thinking straight isn't an option
when your hands caress my body
and your tongue explores my mouth.
You pull me closer
and then I'm

-f
--a
---l
----l
-----i
------n
-------g.'

That 'falling' bit has been done too many times on this site now, I can't see it as inventive anymore. 'Falling' is a weak word anyway, and no matter what you do with it, it's always going to be that way.

I have to say this is a better write from you, though I think it can be improved a bit. You could make the transitions more graceful for a start.

'Into something I don't recognize.
A feeling that seems to

hover

directly over the line
between love and lust.'

Was good, this was really strong and conveyed the narrator's feelings well wheras this:

'to taste foods and try activities
I would never have gone near

Before you.'

Is awkwardly phrased. The first line there does not fit with the poem very well, since the object of this poem is desire (well that's what I got from it), then if that's so, then you could be more precise and say what the activities were? Otherwise it's just telling.

What's a better word 'tempting' or 'reckless', or find a better one? You don't need both, it's too overstating.

The ending is weak because it's too sudden and it feels too much like an ending, poems are good where they fade off and leave the reader wondering what's happening after.

A Spirited Incarceration (4)
by Novalyn Grace RR

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-22

Your meanings always lie encased in a fortress of linguistics and it's somewhat satisfying to crack it open and see what lies inside..I have too much time on my hands (I shouldn't, I know) but let me have a go :)

I find your method of wording sensational, there's a lot of lexis there that isn't immediate and that could mean different things. I get pessimism from this piece..'brusque summer' could mean short lived, ambigious to mean that orr how it holds promise. I find that 'falter' suggests that it's promising a lot but too much and you wanna slow down before you race the race sort of thing. The next line also complements that in how it can be read as you feel claustraphobic in the sudden rush and hurly burly of things. It's like 'whoa slow down!' You're not free to do the things you usually do due to 'schedule' and the juxtaposition of 'writing' and 'breathe' could suggest that writing is like breathing..sometimes writers MUST write.
The final line could sum up what I've just said and if my implications are wrong, then you're being offered another interpritation which (I, anyway find) is exciting.

'soil soaked intentions stand loud in the flagrant spotlight, '

See, I'm not sure about 'soil soaked', just the connotations of each word clash yet I see what you're trying to say. Perhaps it's a case of changing 'soaked'..hm. The deliberacy of 'flagrant spotlight' could be as if your intentions are clear, are right in front of you, what you want to do but you're being held back? Or is it the opposite way round, like the 'soil soaked' intentions are manipulating you as if to pull you away from your 'agenda'. Thought provoking. I shall come back to this piece after this comment. :)

'what time I have held audacity in scheme of things benign,
I would that then be now, to counteract my stricken forfeit.'

It's almost like you personified time here, like it's arrogant, I didn't quite get the syntax here though:

'I would that then be now'

Stricken forfeit was an excellent phrase though, like you've given in to the restraints and your 'agenda'.

I like the seasonal references in the last stanza, 'swollen solstice reverie' was a gorgeous implication of your situation.

I think that overall this piece is about having too much to do but not having the time to do it. Things hold you back and what youre meant to do restricts you from what you want to do? It can be viewed as pessimistic with an undertone of optimism, it's almost like a complacency in the final line. This can be read different ways, I'm gonna put it in my favourites so I can come back to it (as previously noted), really good to see you writing again.

Hope my comment wasn't too ridiculously off what you were trying to portray.

A Book on a Shelf (13)
by ether

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-22

The rhyme in this poem bothers your piece, it's as if I can predict the word before I see it sometimes, which isn't fun as a reader. Assonance or a different form would benefit you here.

'You're in with her tonight,
Smiles fading by the candle light,
Does she treat your heart alright?
Secrets are absorbed into night.'

Example is here, the monosyllabic rhymes don't move your piece forward as they should. 'Treat your heart alright' was cliched, but the 'secrets absorbed' was a nice touch. 'Fading' is becoming trite and lazy in poetry, and it's not the worst case of forced rhyme, though I stand by my view that it plagues your poem a tiny bit.

'mind once filled with tangible goals' was nice, and as I've said before, your poems are dotted with little gems like that but it's not consistent enough:

'My shoes are coloured charcoal dreams,'

Excellent! :)

The latter of that stanza bored me though, unfortunately. If you read it aloud it sounds quite pantomime, which doesnt drive the message or tone you want it to.

'I turned a flower into a memory,
That told me you regret being sorry
When you promised it was just me.
Other lovers hidden in secrecy.'

Loved the first and fourth lines here, there's an echo of darkness which lingers around this poem that could be brought out more with the language as you've done here a bit.

The ending was nice and it's a good write in all, the rhyme wasn't terrible but it gave your poem a bouncy, optimistic tone which isn't needed for a piece like this. A good write in all, not nearly consistent enough though

Keep at it :)

Eyes Never Dryed (2)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-21

'We were on our way out to Tennessee
driving in the mist of the bleak night,
when all of a sudden I couldn't see,
billows of smoke, screeching tires in a fight'

Driving through the mist might sound better, and in my opinion the incident happens too quickly, if it were a song, it'd be acceptable since theyre fast paced. The 'screecing tires in a fight' does not make much sense and it a bit wedged in there.
The rhyme in this form really lets you down in some places, if you take out the preceeding bits, you have some strange phrases like 'don't disagree', and during the 'plea' I doubt you'd be saying this, you'd be trying to steer the car and stop it from happening, praying is like a sign of helplessness, and it's something you'd do after the crash had happened, not during the chaos.

The transition in the second stanza was disquieting and really strange..if I understood right, you've crashed, your woman isnt there and you're alive still..able to think. I've been in a car crash and trust me..you are not able to think clearly, the last thing on your mind is anyone else cause your mind just blanks. The doctors entrance? I don't get it? Where is the narrator now? It's like the doctor has entered the crashed car. I like how you worked in the song line at the end but it's still a very inplausible stanza. With a story like this, we need to believe what is happening, at the moment I can't, and it's making it hard to get any response.

'I did everything that I possibly could
to avoid that out of control semi-truck, '

This is the kind of clarity your piece needs.

What I didn't like here is that the narrator is like 'oh my baby is gone, oh well lets remember the good times' I see what you're doing but again, the transition is too quick and it baffles me. It reads as

Car accident/Realisation/Confessing to the doctor/remembering the memories.

There should be so much more in between. I know the form limits you but that's just what I get from this.

''cause when we were young, so much younger than today
we made a promise that our love wouldn't be cliche,'

That last line translates to 'our love wouldnt be an overused idea'. Which doesn't make sense. You can only apply 'cliche' to ideas/films/creative pieces. Not a feeling. Hate cant be cliche, nor can love.

The ending is well written, but what follows it is too much for this poem, the majority of the poem that could be used for story is wasted on expressions that we get in a LOT of love poems. The 'warm whilst cold' sort of stuff.

You can edit this a bit, it just reads a bit rushed.

Love's Confetti. (6)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Nocturne ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-19

A good write from you though I can't say it's something I'd come back to and read again to get something else out of because it's quite deliberate in conveying your feelings and thoughts, I actually think you need to step outside your comfort zone and write as a narrator that isn't you? You've done it before but a lot of your poems is you communicating your feelings which is good but at the same time, how is a reader who doesn't know you mean to get anything from them? It's a personal poem and whilst it's sweet and flows nicely there's not much in the language except colour and adjevtives, and the metaphor of confetti you didn't expand on enough considering it's the title.

Problem I had with this that it was too needy. Like 'do this' was a sentence structure you used too much. I loved the third stanza for example. The fourth was a hefty ending - the last two lines being the weakest in the poem due to the trite simile of a feather in the wind (which I've used before) but I tried to use it to suggest I was lost. 'Light as a feather' could be anything. You could be as light as an ant and it still wouldnt be any more or less poetic.

Wasn't a bad write Temps, but I'd just like to see you narrating from a different perspective. Write as someone who isn't you, or like you, step out of the sad/nature/love poems and come out and try writing as a different character. It's fun, and you'll enjoy it!

Taken (3)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-18

Think this poem was a bit overburdened with emotion to be able to pull any from the reader.

'The night you left me I was in sorrow for eternity.'

Doesn't make clear sense to me since the past 'I was' then 'eternity' which is a never ending span of time. Perhaps you meant to say 'for what felt like eternity'. Or 'I am in sorrow for eternity' although the latter doesn't make any sense either.

'I wanted to be with you 'till the end of time,'

This makes more sense but it doesn't rescue it from the pitfall of cliche.

'regardless of what it took - I loved you.
Forever; Always 'till eternity.'

Still can't my head around the 'eternity' you're talking about here. It's not realistic, and it's too farfetched.

'I would reach to the moonlit stars'

I would reach 'for' the moonlit stars makes more sense here, though the moon doesnt light the stars, the stars are suns and the moon is a small planet reflecting light, so again, this is an unclear image.

'Darling, I love you. Oh how I'd do anything
everything just to be with you. '

You wrote 'I loved you' before, now it's 'I love you'. You also might benefit from punctuation to seperate anything and everything.

'I want to walk your steps
and reach those whom you reached.
I want to impact society
as you've impacted it.
I want to be your lover
forever and ever. '

Great except the last two lines. Expand on how this person has impacted society?

'Oh how I'd walk to the skies above
just to see you one more time,
just to be with you.
You're my heart,
my soul, my everything.
I love you, oh how I do. '

This declaration of love becomes pitiful and droning after a while =/, the expressions are unfortunately lost here. 'You're my heart' was a strange phrase.

'I've cried a thousand tears of joy
and a million tears of sorrow
whilst pondering...
what might have been
if just-
if just you stayed here,
here on earth with me.'

This didn't have the effect you wanted it to either; 'stayed here, on earth with me' sounds like something from E.T. and the contrast of joy and sorrow has been done countless times.

Unfortunately Joe, this doesn't hold the strength you needed it to. It comes across as a poetic rant of lost love which is written on blogs all the time. You can do so much better than this; I know you appreciate honesty and if I came across too harsh, I apologise but I've seen you write better than this.

Dying With Love (1)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-17

You know, I admire you for the different styles you use. It's refreshing to read things that are a bit different. :)

Can't say this was the best I've read from you, but there were some great moments here:

'Death comes easy to those who wait,
testing purity and strength of taste.'

First line has been delivered so many times in poetry, it's become trite unfortunately. Your flow was sharp and the half rhyme worked in your favour, you used a harsh consonant sound which was a nice touch.

'ike those that sit for love but come too late,
filtered veins flow through thinning waists.'

This was excellent, yet I can't help noticing that 'waists' throws it off, forgive me if I'm wrong but 'wrists' would be so much more effective, unless you're trying to convey something else metaphorically here. I also understand you have a 'rhyme' thing going on so there is that as well, but don't sacrifice rhyme for meaning.

'grips of reapers claw for stones,
oozing the warmth of winter's glow.'

Grips and claws are too much for one sentence, a stronger verb would benefit you here. Second line was excellent, can't escape this feeling of morbidity exuding from this piece.

'for glimmering diamonds choked to bones,
dear hearts race so fast they slow.'

Your words hit hard, and with that punctuating flow too makes it all the more effective. I don't think you need 'for'. Strong wording here.

'web of charms lead snow astray,
as flakes of sight begin to swim.'

Liked the idea of the 'web'; and since you show the reader a lot here, it's open to interpritation. Really professional. Admirable writing, only thing about this stanza that stood out was the rest of the stanzas all end with a similar sound. E.G. the first stanza had the 'ai' sound, the second stanza had the 'oh' sound but this third stanza has an inconsistent sound. Just a minor thing I thought I'd point out. :)

'darkness drives silhouettes away,
sobbing smiles at sorrow's limbs.'

This was great, though. That sibilance conveying a hissing sound. Loved it.

'death comes easy to those who wait,
like those that love, but love too late.'

Nice ending, fitting, now that I think about it. Just think the delivery could have been sharper with that first line.

Great write, as usual. Keep it up!

Watching (5)
by Spirit

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-17

This poem was a bit too boring for me; you told the reader a lot and didn't really show much. The narrative was uninspiring and the the format you chose didn't compliment the content.

'I watched a normal woman once
she seemed stressed, tired, and distant'

You establish setting here but you told the reader she was 'stressed'. How about showing the reader? E.G. 'she paced back and forth' suggests anxiousness. You get me? Make the reader think.

'Drop off the kids, with no time to say
I love, stay safe at school'

What kind of narrator is this? A stalker or an omniscient narrator? If you were omniscient, you could detract from the 'watched' theme and make it like ' there was a woman' instead of 'I watched a woman'.

'She sped away in a new SUV
No rhyme or reason about her life
Busying her day with work, and stress
worrying about the time'

Yeah you've just described half the population.

'But when her day was over,
the kids safe and sound in bed,
she went to her loving husband saying
"Thank you for choosing me"'

I thought the last line was unrealistic and a bit strange since she can't say she loves her kids but she tells her husband thanks for 'choosing' me? Is she insecure or something? Stange.

The last stanza or 'message' came too quickly and what we're left is with 'oh okay', there's no real thought left at the end for the reader to go away with. I see what you could do with this piece. Expand it, show us more, and give this woman character. At the moment she's just a robot who you're describing to me with no detail. If your idea is to describe a normal woman with no character then there's no point in the poem.

Keep writing!

Reality (2)
by Inside the Liar

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-15

Liked the simplicity here; there was a real character here (which was you) but someone who doesn't know you could get something from this.

'I thought monsters lived under my bed.
I thought that Daddy was my hero.
And that a hug and kiss from Mommy
Would make everything better.'

Loved this cause a lot of people can relate to it. The problem with stuff like this is it either becomes personal or people who didn't think like that are turned off because they never had a dad etc..the second stanza was an addition to the first, nothing much to comment on.

The third stanza was too blunt, you could have revealed it more gracefully. It's contrasting stanzas but it's too deliberate to feel anything. You told us too much here.

'I've realized that Christmas
Is a free-for-all for fighting
Between the siblings and the parents.
And that, like most holidays,
It will start in tears and end in a truce.'

This is so much better, more personal, more character - something like this needs to replace the third stanza you have.

'The warmth of a hug or kiss from Mom
Isn't magic. It can sooth away the little things,
But when it comes to heartache and those things
That you can't talk about with anyone but yourself,
Mom's hugs and kisses only linger so long.'

Can be phrased better, 'things' is a horrible word in poetry and the sadness of the persona isn't revealed enough. The last line was nice though.

'I outgrew wanting to stay in Wisconsin.
I began to feel the urge to spread my wings and take a leap of faith -
Even if I was the only one who believed I would make it.
Wisconsin's warmth changed with the seasons
And desperation for colder arms mounted steadily. '

Probably the best stanza I've read from you, though I wasn't keen on the repetition of 'Wisconsin' you didn't need it.

'When I was a little girl...
I thought that monsters lived under my bed.
I thought that Daddy was my hero.
And that a hug and kiss from Mommy
Would make anything better.


I'm not a little girl anymore.
Though sometimes I wish I was.'

None of this is needed, it doesn't help you poem and it'd be so much better ending on the previous stanza.

Good write though the ending was too weak.

Tempest (10)
by Melpomene

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-14

This is well written, I liked the consistency of the tone and the use of the weather as a tool to further depict the feelings of the persona.

'The clouds made shapes,
which I could not distinguish.'

The way you used the weather to narrate this piece was thought provoking, and not at all tiring - sometimes when we get a consistent theme, it becomes predictable but each image adds something new. Like the ambiguity of shape in the clouds, and the 'tempest' saying more than 'storm' ever would. Loved the word choice. Spot on.

'when you're heart disunited.'

Minor mistake with 'you're', which should be 'your'.

'The canopy destroyed
leaving us vulnerable.'

Not so keen on the last line, since you showed through most of the poem, and it sticks out that you simply tell us here. You could use an image which depicts the vulnerability, since the image proceeding it could have been expanded a bit.

'..and so it rained. '

Loved the immediacy of this.

'You wore a snowsuit
within the desert,
an Indian summer
was to facilitate pain.'

First two lines caught me off guard a bit here, I wasn't sure if it fitted, I just found it a bit disquieting between the images before and after it. 'facilitate pain' was brilliant, and the reference to the Indian summer worked really well.

'I was a mirage
in tropic weather,'

Probably my favourite bit, excellent, next to the final couplet which was a strong ending.

You revealed everything with skill and originality here, really impressed; great write. :)

Out of Bounds. (5)
by ASPHYXIATED

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-14

Neat write Lisa, I liked how you zoomed out a bit on the subject and left some room for the reader to get something from it. You wanted constructive criticsm so I'll do my best.

'If you were open for the game..would I want you so.'

Don't think stands strong enough on it's own, it's fine opening up with something like this; a prelude, perhaps but is there meant to be a question mark there? It's sort of a bit confusing in terms of syntax. Revise/rephrase this line, maybe keep the first phrase and after '...' change cause that's what throws it off.

'You're like a ticking bomb that I want to help explode'

Change it to 'You're a ticking bomb' because if 'you' was 'like' a bomb then you wouldn't say 'I want to help explode' cause it's a simile. By declaring it 'you are', you're making it more deliberate and it makes more sense. :)

'its taking all my energy not to run toward the danger-zone.
For one land mine may set the world at war.'

It's taking your energy NOT to run? Perhaps you could change 'energy' to something more specific. Something like (effort) but not because effort sounds strange. 'set the world at war' could be considered a bit overdramatic perhaps.

'Yet I continue to bathe in this affection that you give
my desire to want you blocks out my will to live.
I know that she would kill.'

Bathing in the affection doesn't follow the image above; look at it in terms of continuity, you can't really talk about 'war' and 'bombs' then zoom out to affections, either keep it dramatic or keep it..normal? You could keep the idea from the previous stanza and run with it; perhaps making it a bit more original in the process. Try it out :)

'Who made these rules; these lines we cannot cross?'

Liked that, except 'these rules' is clumsy; perhaps because you repeat 'these' before 'lines'. Maybe it's a case of chucking the semi colon and adding a dash or hyphon.

'Who made these rules - these lines' the hyphon would add dramatic effect there.

'We've both made mistakes why shower us with loss.
While she is happy as can be. '

These lines confused me. 'She' needs to be expanded or revealed more gracefully. And you're right, it doesn't really feel like an ending, another stanza would benefit you.

I see potential here, you could open up the possibilites, I liked where it was heading after the second stanza; the dramatic tone helped you, afterwards it became a bit normal, and this made your piece in entirety suffer. Good write, but it needs reworking a bit.

I still think you should run with the 'danger zone' idea. :)

Cantabile (5)
by Krathia

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-14

Well written :)

'Tossed upon waves
of wind, your hair shivered;
flying strands of mahogany
and blue ribbons against the sky.'

I love the calm, subjective image you depicted here, good use of colours too, though 'blue' could be replaced with a shade for specificity, and I didn't like 'shivered', which was the only thing that didn't sound right here. Liked the way you tried to bring life to the stanza though.

'Arms outstretched, you danced alone
to the music of lapping waves
and seagull pleas.'

Gorgeous image. 'Lapping waves' is overused but still; excellent.

'Please, let me recall
the slippery days when a white sun
shone down on your smile.'

'Slippery days' was excellent, and the sibilance helped portray a hushed sound I believe. This poem is very intimate so far; it's close whislt the reader is reading it. Very nice.

'Your eyes were drops of
Siberian sky, austerely sweet
and clear as the ocean wind
that blew our memories away.'

That first image deserves a nomination, the only problem was it was followed by an image that didn't reflect the beauty of the other. Not sure it complemented it enough. Not to overdo the 'Siberian sky' but perhaps expand on it a bit.

'Twilight and morning,
I'd look for that particular shade of blue'

What is the 'particular' here?

'Hungry and distilled,
like a love that has been
washed clear of hope;
only memory remains'

The transition is a bit disquieting, from the images of the first two stanzas, then this one. It's as if your language suffered a bit underneath them. 'only memory remains' is unfortunately a trite phrase. Still well done on keeping the consistency of tone. Loved the enjambment into the last stanza though.

'I look away from the cyan crystal
that flashed (our colour) toward me.'

Oh the significance is revealed here! I didn't notice that on first read. :)

'Passing thoughts and skyline longings,
nothing really there.
I shake away the echo of a girl's laughter,
and, hearing no more,
continue on my way.'

Awesome ending you have here, blissfully sweet and fitting. Loved it. You get a nominiation for this piece.

Dystopia (5)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-14

Had some great bits in here Joe, but you stated to me that you wanted to have an emotional effect on the reader? This was only acheived moderately due to the language of this piece, granted it was very futuristic, very abstract but using language like that detaches ther reader. Wordsworth used language everybody would speak and understand and conveyed his images better. It doesnt make this a bad poem, just stating some feedback.

'Psychoanalysis now begun,'

Syntax error, 'now begun' doesn't make sense. 'Has now began' or 'begins' or 'has begun' would be alternatives.

'Separated at his birth,
for human psyche studies.
Soft little cries escaped
from his frail petite face.'

First two lines were fine but as the narrator you need to not zoom in on the character of the baby because the narration is too distant for that. 'Frail petite face' was a strange image. Bit..overstating. Language changes too much. Be better if you stated what happened to the baby instead of stating his reactions to something we don't know in detail what is happening.

'evaluation process:
blank pallet.'

Liked that, was a strong image.

'Extinguishing vital flames
necessary for mentality. '

Too abstract though. Bit too much of a fortress of linguistics there.

'A blanket of love - lost,
he'll forever search.
A face of despair
he wants to release.'

Take out 'lost' as it's partially unfitting. Should be 'he'll search forever', and how does the narrator know he will search forever?

'An interpersonal relationship,
he dreams of once experiencing.'

This last line messes up the stanzas flow a bit, take out the fact he dreams of experiencing. Dreams = hope and you wanted to convey helplessness.

'Written in fourteen languages
the monograph is now complete.
Maternal deprivation:
irreversible.'

I liked the ending but the stanzas above could be considered confusing. Just need to tame the language and perhaps adhere to any suggestions I've made.

Good job though :)

Ambiguity (7)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-13

'The rain was just a metaphor
on a Monday evening'

These lines say so much since you stated to us that the rain WAS a metaphor, so you don't have to overstate it. Clever :) 'a' gives it a tone of none-specificity, rather than 'that monday', or anything like that.

Thought it was beautifully written, yet I have a problem with the syntax in the second stanza 'I shall mockery', did you mean 'I shall mock'? Or were you meant to insert a pre-modifier in there?

'nothing in particular but my heart' was quite striking since the juxtaposition of those phrases made it quite saddening, I beleive. Suggesting that the narrator's heart was 'nothing in particular'. Loved that.

Couldn't help notice you used colour again here; seems to be a motif in your poetry, but couldn't put my finger on the importance of 'saffron', the 'heart, smeared' was a sickening image, just by 'smear' the heart could represent anything here. Perhaps a significance to the title? Not sure.

Beautifully written :)

Whilst on his deathbed (5)
by Colm

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-13

Haha downvoters are ridiculous.

I didn't partake in this challenge; I saw this in the thread and thought I'd pass a comment. :)

'Glorious imperfection is the man
Who, on his deathbed struggles with valor,
And in a feeble fit of coughing smokes
The cigar he's been saving all his life.'

I liked this, it was pretty well written though the narration was too matter-of-fact, and I'm not sure how you're trying to depict this 'man' as it were. I didn't know how to picture what you were describing. It could be described as inconsistent.

'Celebratory? Only his heart knows,'

Rhetorics are always nice in poetry.

'Only it matters. Determination
And memories fill it's fading chambers.'

I actually loved this, well 'Determination...', you could have made it more significant in describing his 'heart' but it's okay.

'And pictures painted in the modest room
Tell timeless tales, whispered within the walls'

Detaches the reader I think; the pictures were painted in this room or are they hung on the walls? I'm not reading subjectively but think about your word choice.

'And preached to the world, if the world listens.'

Doesn't follow the last line very well, it jolts and zooms out too quickly.

'Scared to die? No, he fights because he can
Fights to protect everything that he is'

You could rephrase this to effect, and have it as. 'Scared to die? He fights because he can; fights to protect everything (that made him)?' the bit in parenthesis you can change but 'everything he is' is a bit trite. I don't think you need 'no' as the question is left unanswered then :)

'So that, though in prolonged pain he remains,
He can smile, as dignity he maintains.'

Not a fan of the forced rhyme and incorrect syntax in the last line, which is a shame cause the last line could have delivered a bigger punch. 'Dignity he's maintained' might work better for you?

Good write, just a little off in some places :)

Passionate Flares (3)
by Paiger

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-13

New inspiration is always good, Paige. :)

I found the narration in this piece quite startled which wasn't comfortable to read, you describe a 'moment' which is hard to do, I'll give you that.

'It is just under the surface
waiting to arise
never giving you enough of a taste
to find it normal'

This 'it' sound you have plagued your poem a bit, there wasn't anything specific to sink teeth into, it was told to the reader when you could have a token 'image' to reveal it; you vaguely used 'flares' which could be expanded on if you chose. 'To find it normal' was a hesitant and clumsy line, it was too normal, which was my problem with it.

'it remains as amazing each time
always a delicacy
a rare treasure
not to be wasted'

'Amazing', 'awesome' and 'great' etc don't fit well in poetry, it's not very creative because we say 'amazing' in every day conversation and the meaning becomes lost. Delicacy and treasure, though expand on that and make 'amazing' seem small in comparison. I think the last line contradicts the above two, if we make it a sentence it'd read 'a rare treasure not to be wasted', treasure could more likely be ignored, not 'wasted'.

'the beautiful calm
erupts with passion
a brilliant flare of agony
it breaks out, fierce'

See your tone becomes passionate here whislt the previous two have an echo of normality. I like this stanza more than the others but then we have trouble with continuity.

'back to the smooth affection
an angelic warmth shared between us
your hands caress so gently
slowly as to prolong the moment'

Last line was telling the reader, you could show it and not spoonfeed by including the reaction from the narrator as if the persona is savouring the 'slow caress' as you put it. Dont use abundances of adverbs, 'slowly' 'gently', these are your enemies, verbs are your friends :)

'and suddenly the ecstasy erupts
our muscles tense to one another
our embrace firm, unbreakable
then it softens, into a lustrous intertwine'

I thought the ecstasy had 'erupted' since you stated it had on the other stanza, this is unneeded, you're kind of reinstating what the other stanza said. If you strengthened the previous stanza, then this one would not be needed. 'Lustrous intertwine' was syntatically clumsy. You could merge this stanza and the one before to make abetter stanza, if you undertsand.

'
a stutter
a quick silence
sudden motions
intense passion'

Sticks out because of the line length, which was a slight minor flaw with this poem. if you made it

'A stutter, a quick silence;
sudden motions - intense passion..'

then continued it, it would look better in terms of graphology.

'we take a breath
one graceful kiss
A calm clasp on each other
our lips caress time after time'

This was remarkably sensual, well done. 'Graceful' could be replaced though.

'the flares have subsided
but we are satisfied
we have had our taste of paradise
love is not greedy'

The last line was hit and miss, I don't know if I liked it or didn't..but it's a nice ending I beleive.

You have a potentially strong poem here but you need to work on it a bit, it's a bit unstructured, and all over the place but you can sort it out easy :)

Progress... really? (6)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-12

I really think you could expand on this a lot more, since as a reader I didn't get as much from it as I could:

'A small hand seeks his empty one.'

Subjective - yet I don't think it's suiting as a first line, because 'a small hand' could be anyone and 'his empty one'; we haven't established character yet so we need to bring that in a bit.

'Tomorrow cannot bring
what was squandered
yesterday already....'

This has been said a lot of times in poetry and you could really make do with giving it more depth, showing the lack of progess since the first line doesn't really do that. The last line I found quite spoonfeeding too, it's almost rhetoric but I found it a bit patronising.

Good idea but it really needs more than this :)

Uncherished Leftovers (10)
by Lonely Rider

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-12

This is a lovely write :)

'Twirled a wilted leaf,
shoved into grim solitude
by winds of betrayal.'

Loved the imagery you depicted here, the 'wilted leaf' could have come across as trite but you were using as metaphor so it seems fitting once I read over it again, not keen on 'shoved' since I couldn't really make sense of how that particular verb fitted the stanza in terms of lexis and in terms of image. I see what you're trying to convey here, that the leaf is 'violently pushed' to put in other words but I think 'shoved' is too physical.

'Fading away, in oblivion,
with every whisp of
frozen memories.'

Minor typo on 'wisp', and shouldn't the syntax read to be 'to oblivion'? Liked the idea that the memories were 'frozen' and I liked the transition to a more abstract meaning, since the first was almost subjective.

'Framed in the timeline
scars of tainted love;
uncherished leftovers. '

I can't help but echo the name of the song 'tainted love' when I read this haha; sure it wasn't your intention and I really think that 'uncherished' is overstating since 'leftovers' suggests they're unwanted since they're left...over? If you get me, it's like saying 'winged bird' to put it more simply.

'crimson tears,leave traces
on the face of crumbled life.
Silence pursue... '

The idea of blood is used well here I think and the internal rhyme parallels those two lines quite well; I think that 'pursue' should be 'pursues', minor syntax error there. I liked how you conveyed so much with so little words, as Ingrid pointed out, well done for that - neat write. :)

Cathartic Bliss. (5)
by Blissful

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-09

Sorry I haven't had time to comment this yet, I've been ridiculously busy and I'm taking like...an hour out to catch up with some stuff. I'm glad you wrote this, it was a refreshing read and I don't have many criticsms for it.

'Cyclone...
Unpredictable yet fascinating
Like the urge to whisper my secrets
And gaze as it sways with the breeze'

I don't think you need the 'yet' here, you could make the flow fleeted by having it like:

'Cyclone; unpredictable, fascinating..'

Or something to that effect.
Liked the internal rhyme of 'gaze' and 'sways' though I didn't really see the image you/the narrator was describing here. Nice wording here; I think you used less harsh words to your advantage.

'Jumbled emotions lay tangled in my heart
Cowering under reality's malicious glare
While in search of a dreams haven
...sanctuary'

You could use an image of a jungle here; that way you could get the word 'tangle' in there, aswell as the internal rhyme of jumble and jungle. Just a suggestion, though. 'Dream' and 'haven' cancel each other out, they don't really work well together, they overstate the image.

'With life's paintbrush
I sketch a distant love story
On a blank canvas
Each stroke infusing it with
Unspoken desires and
Unfulfilled fantasies'

I love this bit, because after reading your poems, you're explaining here what the love poems mean to you. It's a nice explanation and a lovely touch. Excellent stanza, perhaps the best you've ever written. :)

'Releasing hope as a stream of words
To finally reach the climatic edge
Of my cathartic bliss'

Nice ending too, I might have liked another stanza in here as the poem reads in two halfs at the moment but it's well written and polished. Excellent work from you - be proud of this. This poem is you, and it's so rewarding to read it.

You Were Always Beautiful (Prose) (2)
by Aspiring To Inspire

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-05-08

Status: member
date: 2009.05.08 12:35



[ post answer ]
[ edit post ]
Is the narrator on drugs in your piece Tom? I think you dragged out one image through an entirety of a poem, which wasn't needed. I think it's too personal for any reader to get anything out of it. I had a fair few problems with this piece:

'I saw my reflection in the mirror last night'

The opening line is strange since I don't see the significance of it. Does the narrator never look in the mirror? Or is he really vain? What's the point of it being there?

'Tonight, your smile looked as pretty as ever,
as my eyes caught sight of a picture.
A year has passed since the time
it was taken, but you were always beautiful- I assume
you are so today.'

Since we can't see this picture, there is no image at all being created. I could have said 'Tonight, that cake looked as tasty as ever.' The last two lines are annoying; too pitiful and needy.

'Distance really does stretch our hearts
to their lengths, such as an archer pulling back his arrow.
Only, the bowstring snaps.
I swear to you, my heart was much the same,
yet time has again made it whole.'

I don't get the image or significance of an archer here, you could have used elastic band or no image at all and it'd still be the same. An image is meant to add, not confuse. The last two lines here were too self-pitying and didn't really make direct sense.

'Tomorrow if that picture crosses my path once more
I expect much the same reaction
from myself as there was today.
You were always beautiful- I assume
you are so to this day.'

Ask yourself; is this stanza adding anything? Or just bringing an image back to the reader's mind that was confused in the first place?

'As I let my mind wander freely for a moment
please allow me to take the time
to reminisce.'

You could really benefit from something else here - it's clear already that you're reminscing, you could do with bringing the female character out a bit instead of the narrator just merely talking about her. It's a bit boring..

'Late night conversations about the comings and
goings of our day gone by.
Early mornings, waking to the sound of your voice, cheery, yet
peaceful. Quiet.
Afternoon walks along the riverside, passersby
carrying shopping bags from the stores nearby. Our hands
holding only our own hands.'

This was okay I guess, you could make it more interesting though by bringing out the language. Make the reader relate like 'oh I know what that's like', it's too unreal and romantic at the moment and it's disquieting.

'
You were always beautiful, or so I remember.
Memories may do me well for now,
but in time they will fade.
I assume you are beautiful today.
May a day come when I can see so for myself.'

Don't like the first line, it's not adding anything, and it's a weak ending , all it's doing is reiterating what's been said from the past six stanzas. Too close to the writer in my opinion.

The Last Time I Saw Thee (11)
by Kiko

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-30

This was good - I'm not gonna criticise you for pulling this off, I'm awful at poems like this.

'The last time I saw thee,
I tasted your honey lips, so sweet.
I pulled you toward my
aching breast,
desperately trying
to hang on
to what once was
...but would never be again. '

Liked the desperation clinging in the final two lines, wasn't very keen on 'honey lips, so sweet'. It's trite and overused, and the 'so sweet' is just reiterating what 'honey' is limiting the imagination behind it. I know what you were trying to do but it's like saying 'a heart of stone, so hard' haha or something to that effect. 'Aching breast' is too dramatic but the majority of that stanza was well written.

'For the gentle
winds of change
that brought
two hearts together,
have now erupted
into a violent tempest
...ripping us apart.'

I liked the imagery of the weather here, this was a consistent stanza. Not sure about 'erupted'? Didn't like the implication that wind 'erupts'. That all I have to comment on there, the rest was well done.

'The last time I saw thee,
you were riding off
on a blood-spattered,
white stallion.
You held fast to that
seductive steed
until all your pain had vanished,
until the world around you had vanished
...until you had vanished. '

I really didn't like the archaism 'thee' but 'blood stained white stallion' was awesome. And the pre-modifier 'seductive' was partially unfitting to what was being said. Liked the way it sounds when you say it though. Nice tone, I guess. Repetition in the the last three could be hit or miss depending on the person. Personally, I was indifferent.

'And we laid you to rest
on a chilly, April morn,
blanketing your coffin
with sweet lilacs
...and bitter tears.'

No need for the 'and', and the contrast in the last two lines was almost great, though I think 'tears' could be delivered better. It's almost too predictable like that. Was April to symbolise something, or is it personal?

Repetition was alright in that penultimate stanza I guess, though I skipped through it as I wanted something different.

'Then the tender tableau
dissolved into a dreamy mist,
abandoning me
to four lonely walls
and the grim reality
...of life without you. '

Excellent finish, actually. And it's a well written piece, I just thought I'd give my opinion. Thanks for sharing.

The Iron Lance (7)
by Mr Darcy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-29

This would be fitting as some dark lyrics just because of the rhyme/sound/assonance you've used. The use of the double syllable 'whirring, turning' gives the effect of machinery; I feel the rhythm compliments the poem's tone and narration. There is a lack of consistency though that sometimes lets you down, like 'the purr that I feel' doesn't quite fit, and you shouldn't sacrifice meaning for sound. If that was so, everyone's poems would have continuous rhyme schemes. You could also use a different adjective for 'the whirr of the wheel' since it's established already that it is whirring.
I liked the separation of the stanzas with the onomatopoeia, I'm sure I've seen this used before in your poems and it does well to stop the quick paced rhythm and slow it down to a single syllable to place particular emphasis on it.

Could I suggest you mess around with the punctuation a bit here? In a poem I wrote called Hindsight, I had the same sort of double barrel wording but if you change it round it becomes more interesting for the reader. Semi colons and dashes - even full stops would do you a favour here, just to break it up because commas all the way through are making it uninteresting. Punctuation is your friend :)

'Click, click'

Addition of tension was nice here.

'Wired on fire
Sweat trickles hot'

Could use a full stop after 'Trickles' to stop the flow unless you were counting on a really fast burst in which case you could use a comma.

'Maniacal laughter
Vibrating the rafters

*Bang*'

Loved the couplet before the Bang, but I don't think you need asterix there. It detaches it too much from the poems narrative.

'Cranial cracks
A head rolls back

The sound insane
Of splattered brain'

Loved the sound you evoke here, the 'crack' then the 'splat', nice contrast in sound. Good work. 'The sound insane' reads strangely without punctuation though.

The sibilance at the end works too, and the use of 'again' was a little touch that did you a favour too.

Good write.

Warrior Watchcat (10)
by Luanne

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-27

Neat poem, Luanne.

'God of war, lion-like and ferocious
standing boldly to slay-
beasts that roam with forked-tongue.'

Okay opening - wasn't keen on the telling in the first line, since you're revealing a metaphor, you could use the characteristics of the lion to make it seem more realistic. To simply say 'he is like a lion', isn't enough, and I don't think 'ferocious' is enough. I think you could have a better word than 'beasts' for the snakes too, since a lion is a beast and it doesn't really posess a positive nor negative connotation in that respect.

'Woe shall come upon evil spirits
by the sword that pierces darkness ...'

Thought the language here was good; the use of 'pierces' was sharp. The tense remained present throughout which was a slightly different touch to suggest almost a documentation. It's as if you're narrating over what Bes is doing. Nice touch.

'He shall -
Protect unborn souls
from nefarious smog that lingers
deep and ugly. Guarding the fertility
bed for those weak in fruitfulness. '

Replace the dash with a colon since it's about to tell us what 'shall' happen. 'Shall' could also be replaced since you used it in a similar context two lines above. Liked how you used the language here yet 'deep and ugly' contrasted with the better imagery above. It's almost as if you ran out of steam at the end. 'Deep and ugly' could be replaced with a single, stronger adjective.

'Gentle lion-
To man of pure air.
Destructive roar-
To man of wickedness.'

Temps is wrong to suggest dashes have no job in poetry. Of course they do; I think they are well fitted here as it allows for a pause to show the contrast clearer. I think (before) these lines, the dashes are unneeded though. Liked the contrast of beast and man here, you juggled a few meanings and it could have been hit or miss.

'Let not the eye be blinded by shock!
Beneath the tunic, shield and sword. ,
beats the heart-
of a Warrior Watchcat.'

Nice ending! Summed it up well with some crisp language; somewhat archaic too, and the catchiness of the 'w' in warrior watchcat was a nice finish.

Good work, Luanne :)

Stolen By Night (4)
by Inside the Liar

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-27

Let me explain something that you'll probably learn anyway if you ever have poetry classes or workshops. Poems like these are poems that are basically 'expressions' of the narrator; it's as if it's only written to vent feelings or sadness. Whilst that's good, you need to realise that it's nearly impossible for the reader to be let in to the piece because it's 'me' adressing 'you'. If the narrator was describing 'you' in the third person 'him', it might be better or you could show the reader what's happening instead of telling us. You'll get the hang of it, and you'll need to if you want to be involved with publications. Have awareness that you will have a reader and give them something to take from it.

'I'm entirely capable of taking your criticism
And I'll turn it around to make sense in my mind'

Since you have 'criticscm' then 'it', it suggests that there is only one criticsm? What is that? You don't actually tell the reader so what's the point of the lines being there?

'Your words and your actions cut deep to my soul,
But I'm bound to forget it; just give me time.'

Again 'it' implies singular, whereas words and actions are plurals? Also this is too vague. Words and actions don't give anything really. They're just nouns, and abundances of nouns are hard to comprehend.

'Every song I ever sung along to
And every poem that I might have read
Twist and turn playing reels unending
Trying to erase what I know you said.'

How does a poem you 'might' have read play reels? Why the ambiguity of 'might'?

'Maybe I should just try to forget it
Let go, move on, and take a step back
Release all your actions and all of my anger,
Bow down, retreat, and try to relax.'

Should be 'all of your actions', and you'd benefit from separating that first and second line with a hyphon. This could be a good verse for a song haha.

'Ignore your existence once and for all
Go back to my shell and resume being cold
Forgive you a little as each day passes
For not being the one that I wanted to hold.'

Is it that you want to ignore his 'existence' or you are? If it's the latter then you're contradicting yourself by talking about him for the rest of the poem. If it's the first - make it clearer. You could have brought the 'shell' image out more, but it's not that original anyway.

'I knew somewhere hidden that it was never you
Knew it by your smile, your touch, your embrace
But still I held on as the credits started to play
Trying to find some sort of feeling to trace.'

How can you know the person you dont want to hold by their smile, their touch and their embrace? Might make sense to you but I'm a bit lost here. So the credits symbolise the end of the relationship? There's too many feelings here, and its a confused poem because the narrator becomes annoying and I want them to stop complaining.

'The words that you uttered when you finally left me
Embedded within me and hurt more than you know
But I'm not a performer and I'm not breaking down
So you're wasting your time if you're expecting a show.'

So they left you? Whereas you seem like the dominant one in this poem. It's as if the narrator is bitter at them for breaking up with them or something. It doesnt make sense for the 'character' to admit to being hurt. Not coherent.

'For a fashion we belonged to each other
Just for a time what we had was just right
Until the morning we woke up to realize
The love we thought existed stole away in the night.'

For a fashion? The last line stands out too much and there's a minor syntax error with 'stole away', it should be 'was stole away', unless you break it up with a semi colon.

You gain nothing from repeating the first stanza at the end, it makes the ending more obscure than it was already.

Acidic Tears. [Collab] (5)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-27

I think the language here stopped it from boring me - it's a challenge writing a poem like this that doesn't suffer from lack of creativity like most. I think you did alright, considering.

'Acidic tears plummet, burning her flesh,
cheeks scorching hot from the endless pain.'

You could be less blunt with the 'acidic', though I like the idea of the burning here. The second line was extremely off putting, I didn't like it at all. It screamed pity without subtlety. Advice would be to lessen the intense language here. 'Pain' is horrible, replace that.

'Melancholy voices echo, disturbing the mind,
torture unbearable, pressuring her to let go. '

I was expecting rhyme here and I don't know why. I think assonance would benefit you both here. 'Melancholy' isn't right since it suggests singular and depicts loneliness, then you follow with plural; voices. Doesnt fit. Could say 'torture; unbearable'. To break it up a bit.

'Sharp blade glides one final time,
agony diminishes as she proceeds to cut deep.'

I like 'glides', it's more original than the usual. To suggest the contrast of agony diminshing was good. Nothing much to say here except the second line is a bit too long.

'Crimson beads arise upon pale skin,
sighs of relief released through tired lips.'

There'd be more than beads appearing haha, not a realistic image. I like it as an image but it doesn't fit here, if you get me? That's the only thing I have a problem with here though. :)

'Grasping this crashing life is impossible,
as it slides through cracked fingers.'

Too much of a contrast in 'slides' and 'cracked', perhaps a different verb. It brings back the image of glides though so maybe you could replace cracked? Not a big deal, just didnt seem to work for me.

Admired the attempt but I think the subject could be a little more mature. :)

Great, Evil and All the Same. (2)
by ether

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-27

'Covered in ivory clouds that the wind steals,
Selling to drought at a criminal price,
Let nature nurture the heavens that Satan brings,
So that tears explode into salt water devices'

Liked the opening subjective image of the clouds being 'stolen', could be a metaphor or chosen to represent the lack of concerns for nature, and it does well in opening up the poem's narrative. Thought the rhyme worked too, it wasn't forced and it fits so there's no problem there. Thought the mention of Satan was a bit overdramatic since it was compared to 'realistic' touches, whereas Satan has become an abstract topic in poetry now. Not keen on that.

'Isn't it so? Minority groups gain our empathy,
Privilege the black that serves the white,
Saying you can "observe the world without God's bias,"
In your multicoloured dress, less than alright.'

Nice use of rhetorical devices here but I found it incoherent in terms of following stanza two? I guessed what you were doing here was using the three words at the top to represent each stanza. If it's intentional it's a nice touch though haha. Just work on the tone, it lapses a bit. Found the final phrase 'less than alright' to be a bit clumsy. Wasn't too fussed on the opening of the third line; you could deliver this with more impact. Think of your wording here, this poem could be so much more powerful.

'There's the lovers in red and the haters in blue,
With a dream and a passion twisted the wrong way.
All the same, two cells, a heart and some eyes,
Diamond to coal, up and down; change pushes them away.'

We talking about how we have opposites in colour when all we really are is the same inside? I liked that. Different approach without being too blunt. There's some clever bits in here, you did well with the first three lines; shame the last line didn't belong in that stanza. Might just be my opinion but it sorta seemed like a good line wedged into a developing stanza. Undermines the rest a bit.

Could do with some rephrasing here and there but I did enjoy the read, it was clever and enjoyable.

Legacy (3)
by Colm

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-24

Colm:

I see what you're trying to do with this poem but there's some tidying up to do. I think this piece carries potential.

'A teardrop in the ocean of space, our planet
Swirls in chaos.'

You could use something better than 'teardrop' as the continuity of this metaphor fails, as you go on to use 'surface paint', and the image is automatically replaced. It's as if this first sentence is detached from the rest of the piece if you understand me? You could still have 'our planet swirls in chaos', since swirling suggests orbit too but with lack of control but I don't think the 'teardrop' adds anything anyway.

'Like lime-green leaves rusting to death,'

Strange simile with 'rust' - as connotations are of 'metal', I don't think rust compliments what you're trying to say. The image isn't particularly striking as we know all leaves die, you could pick a stronger simile. Your poem is quite doomy after 'Cloaked', so why have the beginning containing somewhat 'natural' images?

'Cloaked
By layers of clouds that spell
'Welcome to the tradegy.''

Well I know you mean the 'world' is cloaked, not the leaves. But that image above of the leaves ruins this, if we make into a sentence we have:

'Like lime-green leaves rusting to death, cloaked by clouds...'

It's a case of manipulating the poem so it doesn't read that way.

I don't really like 'Welcome to the tragedy', it's a bit overdramatic. You'd benefit from not having a quote, and instead suggesting the clouds are a portent without being so obvious.

'Clouds composed of acidity
Puffed sky-bound by fires unnatural,
As Sodomites kindle the flames higher,
And in their knowledgeable guilt,
Laugh.'

You repeat 'clouds' so the image above is contradicted. And your poem changes tone to appear abstract now with reference to sodomites. I don't know what you're trying to do here? Either make it realistic or suggest there's some other 'force' destroying it. There's no continuity when both images are conflicting. The first and second stanza don't read as if they're from the same poem =/

'Paracites
Is their legacy, their mark,
Until judgement'

Minor typo on parasites. This could be expanded further? You could make it stronger by addition of vocabulary. It's not as wordy as the rest of the stanzas and looks weak; comparing.

'They go down singing for absolution,
But sympathy is combustible,
And it, like the earth,
Scorched.'

That first line is from a Muse song, I suggest you take it out or people will think you're trying to rip them off. I like the last three lines, it was my favourite part of the poem.

I think it's a very confused poem, Colm. I think you tried to juggle too much. Keep working at it. It does have potential.

Amidst Illusions. (5)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-22

How come the form changes on the 5th stanza? What could work good for you (because the pace and tone changes around the 5th stanza anyway) is revert the form, which could stand for the reversed feelings the persona feels. Just a suggestion..might be a nice effect. You've done well with the language here, Temps.
Problem with this could be that you've got a lot of polysyllabic words here - sometimes we need to variate between low and high frequency lexis as 'communicative' language is how someone like Simon Armitage would write. Some of it looks like you've just swallowed a thesaurus.

'illusions' and 'tangled' are quite different in what they suggest. I don't think 'tangled' suits the first stanza. I could be being picky but you've got a lot of nice words with nice consonant sounds and 'tangled' which is a harsh word, compared.

'Fervor planted in the heart,
butterflies linger,
carefree.'

I'm starting to get frustrated with butterflies representing everything. It's a flavour of the month haha. Do you know what ferver is? It's intense feelings of excitement or heat - I'm not sure you can 'plant' it. Even metaphorically speaking.

'Skies polished pink,
lustrous sun,
glamor.'

'Polished pink' is a very obscure image - you've got a lustrous sun and a pink sky. Is this some different planet? I know it's meant to be 'abstract' but, you need to make your fiction believable.

'Nature speaks,
soft whispers,
peaceful.'

See this is good because its simple, says a bit more and isn't clumsy. What is the relevance of this though? The stanzas don't really follow very well.

'Chaos.
Screeching voices,
Disrupting silence.'

Change in tone-obviously purposeful but you could make it more subtle. You could attempt my suggestion from before or you could rephrase this so chaos is last, because it'll be more powerful.

'Opaque clouds,
heavy with anger,
hideous.'

This was fine - nothing to comment on here. Good.

'Love no longer absorbed,
happiness dies,
troubled.'

'Dies' is a bit clumsy, as is 'absorbed', it's actually the least effective stanza in my opinion.

'Haunted by reality,
distressed spirit,
fails. '

Ending wasn't bad but you need to make the first half coherent, the whole poem jolts around a bit, and it doesn't flow very well in terms of imagery. Liked the idea, and the form was a good touch too, just needs a bit of touching up.

Hopeless (5)
by Inside the Liar

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-18

This was difficult to read because it was so simple. I found myself skipping everything because everywhere there is a 'and', 'she', 'her', 'it', words that don't actually add anything to the plot or story. If you took all those words away (which is a good excercise), you're left with your story. You 'told' us something here, you didn't show it through emotion, or imagery, or metaphor, and what we're left with is a...skeleton of a story. It's your job to flesh it out a bit, to make it interesting.

Bits like:

'They ciouldn't be closer
Even though they couldn't be further apart'

Spoonfeed the reader. Reader's don't want to be spoonfed.

'And while he waits his mind wanders.'

This could be expanded a lot more; and you should be asking yourself what each line adds to the story. The caps lock isn't needed at the beginning of each line, only when you use a full stop.

I can't really say much more than to just expand on this a lot more, give it substance cause at the moment, it's just bare bones.

Remembrance (4)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-18

I was gonna comment this anyway so this comment will be in the virtual workshop thread too.

Quick question first:

'A love once sought
died amdist thy eyes'

You have archaic language here but it doesn't seem to appear in the rest of the poem? Perhaps separate it from the other stanzas a bit clearer? Just a suggestion.

You don't need the 'and', it would be so much more powerful without it. Words have to be powerful to stand on their own.

'tears emerged, with
every lingering thought.

Emotions running wild
with each and every

..........thought'

You could be more original with the last word there. 'Thought' doesn't need to be repeated, it's strong enough on it's own. If you like that second 'thought', you should replace the first one with a synonym. 'Every' is repeated too...not as strong twice.

'I'd swim the everlasting Nile,
and walk every single mile.'

See - this could have been more powerful - the poem, on it's own strikes me, it has an honest confessional tone which I like, but the bit about the 'Nile', it's like you don't say why you'd swim it, it's actually a bit irrelevant to the story and the rhyme - yeah could be nice, but I don't know what it adds.

'................Remembrance,

I'd carry deep within
just to see you once again.'

Good!

'Solitary?
Impossible-
eternal love?

....forever.....always
...You'll always remain
......deep within my
............HEART.'

Don't capitalise 'heart', it'd be nice if you printed this out and put it in italics. You have a habit though, of repeating too much. Which is a shame really. =/ Nice work though, here.

'If-
just
....my dreams
came
.............alive!

I'd, oh I'd cry,
raise my hands -
to the heavens above
whilst knelt upon the ground

...REVIVED!'

Loved the ending; you crafted it so it wasn't an annoying plea. Really nice poem, Joe. Just take care of the repetition. :)

Embraced With Serenity. (5)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-18

Guess you're talking about a giraffe here? I just got that from the 'long legs' and the 'elongated neck'.

To be honest Temps there's much to say about this poem; because you're basically describing an animal in poetic form. I can tell you though, I liked the calm tone of this poem, and I loved the subtle rhyme in the second stanza. It's a well written poem, and whilst it's not really original or emotive, it's just...nicely written. Advice for you though; you could have..got inside the mind a bit more, gave it more character. Minor typo on 'nostrils' by the way haha. But yeah, you could have give the animal a personality, because it's quite a physical poem. Add to it, I know people dont like going back to poems but you should if you actually wanna be a writer. Mess around with it. Keep what you have but give it more depth.

Riding on Moonbeams (9)
by Rainbow Dancing

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-17

This is a gorgeous write, full of lovely images and a flow which compliments your tone.

'Pajamas made of flannel
became a gown of pink.
Flowing in the evening breeze
it happened in a wink.'

Flowing could be replaced with a stronger verb. But I loved the transformation, the poem was very visual.

I loved the third stanza. :)

'Magically moved stars around
through the summer night.'

Minor error on syllable count here, doesn't flow quite as nicely.

'To your house, I sprinkled love
before the morning light.'

Haha, almost too sweet. You get away with it though - it's hard to write happy poems.

I like the ending, and the optimsm behind it.
Lovely write. :)

Veiled hands (6)
by Mr Darcy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-16

A tired walnut frame sits on a mantelpiece, an object out of time, a moment part of time. Time shudders to an excruciating, flickering, broken... stop.'

You spoonfeed the reader here. Time is repeated too many times and it doesn't work as an effect either. You could rephrase it to:

'A moment part of time; which shudders to an...'

If you get my drift.
I liked the immediacy evoked from the wording in the last sentence though. 'Tired' could be replaced with a stronger adjective.

'Time leaps, shocked into life, accelerating to a merging, purging blur, a haze within a mind of confusion, a mind of shattered fragments, where demons scowl at the howling shadows, smudging the patterned, papered walls that haunt the blind, damming souls.'

You do realise this is one whole sentence? Variate your punctuation cause at the moment it's just a list of events. I liked your use of internal rhyme though. It was a nice touch. Add some semi colons, some hyphons to break up the paragraph. It's a bit too abstract at the moment too as you're leaving the reader outside the box. You could add ambiguity by taking out 'the'.

'Where are the smiles of innocence that could have sung from the grave? Where is the echoed laughter that could have filled a heart with joy? Why does the tableau silently weep? It should have been bonded with love, held together in one safe, warm embrace?'

Strange use of inclusion - I see a man on stage asking the audience in solilquy, like in a play, and the audience are mumbling 'what does he mean?' It's quite striking in a sense but echoes archaic language and it might not be as communicative to a reader who's grasp of the English language is not to your level. We are living in a lazy 20th century after all. The last question was spot on.

'Love fails to penetrate a suffocating vacuum of neglect, a prison where daylight never rises to meet the cold barred window; even the sinister shadows fail to walk the walls in this desolate, revolving void.'

Add a semi colon after 'neglect'. I loved the imagery here, it was quite professionally written. I think that sometimes though, you're addicted to alliteration. The sibalance does work here, though. I'll give you that. Nice stanza/paragraph here.

'Should one linger on a platform of perspective pointing the finger of blame? Oh how glorious the righteous sound beneath the mourning son?'

Second sentence was too melodramatic, sounded a bit preachy, reminded me of Hamlet or something which isn't the best comparison in a modern poem. I like the use of 'platform of perspective', that 'p' being almost a spitting sound.

'Have cataracts crawled over this land of cynicism, a place where the scenery is shrouded with a picture so perfect, so visionary?... So what?'

Confused tones here - we have the 'c' sound then 's' then 'p' again. Tame your language and your techniques - too much makes it less effective. Remember this. I loved 'So what?' at the end there, gives a nice attitude from the narrator.

'Been and gone are history's regrets, an ache in the pit of unaccomplished dreams, a tear on the voice of confidence and a stinging slap on a grubby face of cherubic failure.'

I'll praise you for your consistency in tone and attitude. This stanza was almost very clever, except it's as if the persona has forgotten all his woes, then we get negative imagery like 'ache', 'tear' and the 'stinging slap'. Confusing..

I liked the ending by the way, and you know you can write, it's just a case of underplaying what you can do. Sudden bursts of lhigh frequency lexis are better than drawn out novels of it. :)

Thanks for the share.

In Hiding (18)
by Cara

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-15

Allow me to drop some suggestions as this has potential to be a really powerful piece.

I liked the rhyme of the first couplet, it allowed those two lines to stand out, and be connected. The first stanza worked well on delivery, and your tone was subtle yet immediate. The 'your' could be anyone which I liked, there was no reference to loved one or anything so there was a hint of mysteriousness here.

'You ask that I let the real me reveal herself to you
How can that be? I haven't actually met her either.'

The delivery could be better here, I think that 'I haven't actually' was too phonetic, and sounded clumsy reading over. Also the overuse of personal pronoun could be quite confusing I'm afraid! As you say at the bottom; you are experimenting, and I'm glad you are but you could improve this couplet by getting rid of 'actually', and keeping the subtlety of 'you'. The asking to reveal bit suggests they are a lover or friend?

'But then again, maybe it's lucky she is in hiding
The thought of being in this world without a shield
Is like a soldier going to war without armor.'

You don't need 'but then again', and the last simile doesn't work since most soldiers don't wear armour (technically speaking), liked the idea of the simile at the ending but you could perhaps rephrase it to make your point clearer.

Overall, it's got much potential and it's nice to see something new from you. :)

OCD (9)
by sweet escape

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-14

This is a inplausible poem - you need to research OCD before you write about it, there was not one point in this poem where I believed the narrator had it. What you could have done is taken the concept and delivered it without the repetition and the form, which doesnt compliment the message at all. As far as I know, people with OCD tend to have strict rules about order, numbers is a very small aspect of it.

'Swaying to and fro like a tree in a storm'

Was a strange simile, since you suggested a line above that the numbers are 'running' then you suggest they are swaying? Confusing.

'Numbers Numbers
Please leave me be!
There are too many numbers
For me to clearly see'

This piece has original concept but the delivery is unimaginative. It's almost..immature =/ Realise I'm not being mean here, I just feel that this could have been done so much better.

'Numbers Numbers
In my head
Won't leave me be, forever buzzing
Until I am dead'

Overdramatic. Although 'buzzing' could have been nice.

'Numbers Numbers
Still they last
With the burning images created
Though death came fast'

No, no, the wording is becoming desperate. I've actually started to become really annoyed at the narrator. The tense and grammar is off, too.

'Numbers Numbers
Whether in Heaven or Hell
If I get Dante's Inferno
Please give me an even level'

What is an 'even level'? This stanza does not belong in the poem, it's completely overdramatic. You could try this again, but I'm really not a fan of this particular effort.
I'm sorry and I really hope you realise this is nothing against you; I hope you are mature enough to take the criticsm :)

Perpelexed Hearts (Collab with xLilMissFrostyx) (1)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-14

Sadly, the inconsistency of this poem lets it down. The rhyme scheme alters from a standard ABCB and variates throughout, making the flow jolt a bit. I got from first reading that the perspectives are joint? Like male - female alterations? If not, then this poem needs some serious altering itself. There are some nice lines that stand out that I won't bother to copy and paste, but, like I said earlier, the poem remains inconsistent and some of the wording is a bit hit and miss, and some of the rhyming is a bit forced. Not sure if 'tears' and 'stairs' rhyme..
I'd have liked it if you'd used flashback to show the persona the current situation, as it simply reads like a poetic rant of loss and heartbreak, which could be written by a troubled teenager. As I said earlier, there are some nice lines, but they're let down by too many things said too many times in too many other poems.
Admire the length of the write, but could be better.

Perpelexed Hearts (Collab) (2)
by xLilMissFrostyx

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-14

Sadly, the inconsistency of this poem lets it down. The rhyme scheme alters from a standard ABCB and variates throughout, making the flow jolt a bit. I got from first reading that the perspectives are joint? Like male - female alterations? If not, then this poem needs some serious altering itself. There are some nice lines that stand out that I won't bother to copy and paste, but, like I said earlier, the poem remains inconsistent and some of the wording is a bit hit and miss, and some of the rhyming is a bit forced. Not sure if 'tears' and 'stairs' rhyme..
I'd have liked it if you'd used flashback to show the persona the current situation, as it simply reads like a poetic rant of loss and heartbreak, which could be written by a troubled teenager. As I said earlier, there are some nice lines, but they're let down by too many things said too many times in too many other poems.
Admire the length of the write, but could be better.

Wilting Nature. (9)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-13

Form is a bit haphazard here, if you're going to use a continuous stanza length then it needs to be tidy and not look like a brainstorm. You could attempt free verse here, it may do you favours.

'Flowers frown, wilting.
Silk leaves schrivled,
now fragile.'

Surely you meant to write 'shrivelled', but I still think the tense could be change so it reads. 'Silk leaves shrivel'. The juxtaposition of 'fragile' there is an adjective too many. Count your adjectives here. Overabundances of them make them less effective. I like the use of 'frowning' though, you personified them quite nicely. Why personify the flowers, and not the leaves though?

'Rain downpours,
hail falls from light green skies,
like shards of glass.'

Focus here, Temps. What's more important? The rain or the hail? You could have 'hail downpours', then the second line could contain the simile, and the third could be perhaps more inventive?

'Beautiful rainbows,
painted with vibrant hues
fade to dismal colors.'

Rainbow is a bit of a random image since there was no mention of any sun previously, but it's just minor. I have trouble picturing this 'fading to dismal colors', it's a bit too unrealistic, since the poem is subjective, the imagery needs to be realistic. Plus the transition is too quick. Perhaps have the rainbow being described as 'dull', then it subverts the connotations of a 'rainbow'.

'Lustrous sun smiling,
slowly decays to black,
shaping into the face of pessimism'

I loved that last line, not sure about the second. I have no suggestions for this. Could be my favourite stanza though.

'Rivers of crisp sparkling waters,
softly humming distinct melodies,
replaced by a thick current of blood. '

Last line - a bit weak and random for me. I don't get why 'blood' is negative, nor why it would replace the river.
I see what you're trying to say in this poem - it's like...the darker side of nature, but the narration is obscure, it's as if this one person is seeing nature from a dark angle. Some of the imagery is a bit too obscure to be subjective. You should and could work on this.

If I appeared negative, it's because I'm trying to help :)

I Chuckle In The Face Of Pessimism. (4)
by Blissful

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-12

This has potential to be a very powerful piece, as the idea behind it is strong yet your execution was somewhat 'off-target' in some places.
It was a risky choice to choose three well known phrases and analyse them poetically, I admire the experimentation of that, yet there was no awareness of the reader and we're somewhat 'told' three separate stories that don't flow as a steady and altogether coherent poem.

'A phrase that rings cliche yet holds such truth.'

Most cliches do hold truth, hence them being cliches, as theyre often people's 'lazy' ways of expressing true and honest feelings or ideas. I feel you could expand on this as there is no empathy raised for the persona and the narration is omniscient, giving us no insight into the perona. To be honest, Bliss, this seems somewhat personal, and close to you?

'You gaze into my eyes, as I tear open my heart'

Thought 'gaze' then 'tear' didn't work coherently in terms of consistent imagery. Perhaps make 'you' a shadowed character as 'gaze' suggests contemplation..perhaps make it as if the person is just 'blankly looking' into her eyes, then it suggests he is bored and the contrast will work.

After 'If only he knew' it gets confusing since it shifts from first person to third, and it's as if we're reading a new poem.

'I chuckle in the face of pessimism
But stumble on the way to hope
Roadblock...and I wait'

I loved this; it's a shame it's undermined by a somewhat confusing narrative. Don't take this to heart, I just think this piece has potential to be much more stronger. Your word choice was strong in this piece.

I won't pick apart this piece stanza by stanza because it won't acheive anything. My advice is, take this idea and work with it. Get into the characters since at the moment, they're somewhat two-dimensional, and the narrator's voice takes over. It's as if we're seeing scenes from a play and we can't hear the actors talking.

I admire you for trying something new, keep it up please. :)

The Lighthouse (10)
by Rainbow Dancing

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-10

Another admirable write from you:

I thought the title was a bit of a give away, I think the poem might be deserving of a more subtle title? Just a suggestion though :)

'Fog thick upon turbulent living waters'

I'd suggest that 'Thick fog' would sound better unless you used a semi colon to introduce it like:

'Fog; thick'

Liked the subtle rhyme in the second stanza, you allowed the reader into the piece as it's easily relatable. Not gonna pick it apart and analyse it, but I am gonna say that there's so much potential in you, and it's evident from your writing. You understand language and how to portray it vividly.

Only thing I can say is - punctuation, its important in something like this. Just to break it up a bit.

Keep writing, and I'll keep reading. :)

Revived. (Collab with Italian Stallion) (5)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-09

An interesting love poem:

'Immersed in desolation,
memories loiter like butterflies,
although you're gone.
A faint image of you floats,
around this empty mind,
love no longer glistens.'

Like the imagery of the butterflies - suggesting that the memories are dainty..or beautiful, and flutter round the mind. Nice image there. No need in the full stop after 'gone', kinda disturbs the flow and you could replace the comma at the end of the 5th line with a semi-colon because it allows for a longer pause.

'this' empty mind, should be 'my' because you're not literally showing the reader anything, you're telling them. Liked the beginning though, it was pretty nice.

'The nakedness of the landscape,
escapes the distant cries
- unconditionally.
Imprinted - 'heart to heart'
absconding ever so vaguely,
designed for your eyes to observe.'

The flow is incosistent and the tone almost shifts here, as the gramma was somewhat haphazard. Remove one of the hyphons, and see if it adds anything. Always the best way to check, punctuation is important. A lack of it allows for a faster flow, but when it's broken up, it becomes slower. It contrasts here with the above stanza in flow. Nothing major, I liked the language here. Try to avoid adverbs though, if your verb is good enough, you won't need them.

'Soul encompassed entirely
by permanent thoughts of lost love,
sends confusion swirling.
Truth beneath dreams,
reveals a purpose. '

Thought the second line was spoonfeefing the reader, though I loved 'sends confusion swirling', that was nice. Nothing much to comment on here as it doesn't add or take anything from the piece, it's nice, though. :) Might've been nice to see a metaphor brought in here, but no worries.

'Reminiscent romance revealed...
accompanying body and soul.
Saturated infatuation
never left unwhole-
the remainder of us.'

First line was a bit of a tongue-twister..did you want that? The poem started out quite dainty, but the 'r' sound gives a tone of monotony. Liked the ending though, it sort of...quickened up a bit.

A nice effort, I did enjoy the read, the consistency was a bit flawed but you did well with the imagery; well done. :)

Revived (Collab with T e m p s) (5)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-09

'Immersed in desolation,
memories loiter like butterflies,
although you're gone.
A faint image of you floats,
around this empty mind,
love no longer glistens.'

Like the imagery of the butterflies - suggesting that the memories are dainty..or beautiful, and flutter round the mind. Nice image there. No need in the full stop after 'gone', kinda disturbs the flow and you could replace the comma at the end of the 5th line with a semi-colon because it allows for a longer pause.

'this' empty mind, should be 'my' because you're not literally showing the reader anything, you're telling them. Liked the beginning though, it was pretty nice.

'The nakedness of the landscape,
escapes the distant cries
- unconditionally.
Imprinted - 'heart to heart'
absconding ever so vaguely,
designed for your eyes to observe.'

The flow is incosistent and the tone almost shifts here, as the gramma was somewhat haphazard. Remove one of the hyphons, and see if it adds anything. Always the best way to check, punctuation is important. A lack of it allows for a faster flow, but when it's broken up, it becomes slower. It contrasts here with the above stanza in flow. Nothing major, I liked the language here. Try to avoid adverbs though, if your verb is good enough, you won't need them.

'Soul encompassed entirely
by permanent thoughts of lost love,
sends confusion swirling.
Truth beneath dreams,
reveals a purpose. '

Thought the second line was spoonfeefing the reader, though I loved 'sends confusion swirling', that was nice. Nothing much to comment on here as it doesn't add or take anything from the piece, it's nice, though. :) Might've been nice to see a metaphor brought in here, but no worries.

'Reminiscent romance revealed...
accompanying body and soul.
Saturated infatuation
never left unwhole-
the remainder of us.'

First line was a bit of a tongue-twister..did you want that? The poem started out quite dainty, but the 'r' sound gives a tone of monotony. Liked the ending though, it sort of...quickened up a bit.

A nice effort, I did enjoy the read, the consistency was a bit flawed but you did well with the imagery; well done. :)

Foretaste (5)
by Melissa

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-09

Your writing is refreshing to read and I loved how you opened up this poem with the simile.

'I wait, like a genie
sealed inside a whiskey bottle
of poem'

I like the suggestion that 'poem' is a form, entrapped, almost liquid state, able to mold to form around or in the shape of anything? Is that what you were saying or did I completely read it wrong? Haha.

'I'm attempting to scribe epistles
on stars,
but my ink does not collaborate well
with flighty notions'

The language you used here was really crisp and tasteful; it's like you have complex meanings and ideas but they're not buried so deep within the poem that they are lost. You've got a talent for communication and allowing the reader in to what you are saying. I could suggest some deeper use of punctuation in this piece though as it reads rather fleeted, just to break up the lines a bit?

Loved the strength behind the ending and how you seem to write about writing a lot, a lot of us don't do that enough. You're very inspiring. :)

Shadows of Towering Trees (9)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-08

First off, I like the language you were using here. You've stepped up a bit.

'Sunshine beams downward,
casting shadows of towering trees
(nearly exact replicas of each other)'

I think the parenthesis is used to effect here as the tone sort of changes with it. The echo of the title was nice in the second line. Only problem with nature poems is that that's all they are, there's nothing much..more that lies there. Unless you try and use metaphor like Wordsworth did - comparing the ideas of tranquil forestation to the 'man killing man' ideology.

'Lovely grasses painted in patches
of various tints of brown and green,
close their eyes, hiding behind shade'

This was really nice until 'close their eyes', that's really strange because I cannot imagine grass doing that. Since you're aptly painting a picture with this poem, I suggest a phrase that's easier to imagine. I can imagine them cowering in the wind but as far as imagery goes, it's a bit blank, and confusing.

'American flag sways with the breeze,
trees shiver as they are touched
by nature's chilly spring breath.'

You could have done something better with the American flag, not just have it there, but make it of importance to the poem, the last two lines are somewhat disposable and could be replaced with something relating to the idea of the flag and comparing it with humanity or something to that effect. Just a suggestion of course. I think 'chilly' is the wrong word to use.

Like what you're attempting here and you are evolving - lay off the 'sad' poems, and work on your subjective viewpoint.

Lyrics of Frost (10)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-07

You've certainly acquired a technique in your writing that's somewhat recognisable in how you form your lexis.

'Bare feet carved lullabies
for your thunderstorms-'

I liked the slight contrast between 'lullabies' and 'thunderstorms', both giving different imagery to the reader. I was left wondering if 'carved' was the right verb to follow 'bare feet', just because the connotations of carve lead to images of bark, or stone. Just thinking if it's fitting.

'smooth amethyst sentences
mate with boneless words;'

Loved the descriptions here - 'boneless words', as if they have no structure? Not sure what the 'amethyst' represents though - as it's a particular stone you've mentioned, perhaps purple is significant somehow? I'm not sure.

'yet, sultry imagination morphed
claustrophobic stutters,'

What I got from this bit is that your imagination puts what was once 'dribble' or any form of incoherent thought into something readable? I was hoping for something else that delved into that but:

'motionless in your arms,
I beg for oxygen.'

This threw me off a bit. I was thinking that it must relate back to the first couplet but I had no idea what the significance of oxygen was. I actually have no idea if any of my interpriations are correct or not haha! I like trying to uncover your words though.

'Ardent, the world we weaved,
succumbs to the lyrics of frost.'

I got from this another reference to the imagination? Just 'weaved' and 'we', possibly referring to writers?

I enjoyed the read; as always and thanks for sharing!

Larva (5)
by DarkSpirit

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-06

I nominated this last week and I hadn't got the chance to comment it yet. First of all, congratulations on the win! Fully deserved!

The second stanza was the star of the show, whereas the first was just an appetiser of what was to follow it.

'Life is the island,
and death is the ocean.'

This made me think of futility, that we're surrounded by death and we're all just waiting for the tides to take over and smother us.

'Stars, however, won't
replace intestines,'

Nice contrast in imagery here - we get the beauty of the stars and the sickening connotations of intestines.

I found the flow of the second stanza to be well thought out and fragmented, you've used strong consonants to develop a structured sound and tone.

'Human art is to transform
emotion
into the corpse. '

These few words are thought provoking and hold more meaning than the rest of the poem, I think. This can be interpreted in many different ways, everything ends with death; take music for example. Always ends in silence...

'Godlike art is to transform
a corpse
into the emotion. '

The ending wasn't expected and I loved how you changed the words around to hold a new meaning.

I won't go into what this poem said to me - but I will say it's one of the best poieces I've read in a while and well done on the win.

Amorous Glances (Pantoum) (3)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-06

It's almost as if you swallowed a dictionary, and reformed the words. Well that's on first glance. I understand it's a difficult form, and if you want my personal opinion, I don't particularly enjoy writing to anything that restricts what I have to say. It's a challenge, and I like to challenge myself but I find it really difficult.
I'm not gonna pull apart or dissect this piece because it wouldn't acheive anything except confusion; what I am going to say is that when you write poetry like this, you limit the reader's response - all a reader can get from this is: 'ah this guy knows English and can write a pretty neat looking poem', it however, leaves no space for the reader to get inside and between the lines.
I do applaud you though, as a writer for trying something new out, just take advantage of forms with repetition to find a line that really hits home with a reader, or you, so it becomes more powerful. If you're just repeating lines that are strings of beautiful looking lexis then you're just going to confuse and confound the reader.

Too Much Too Chew (6)
by Chris Hantman

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-01

Hm:

'I know you're sorry.
But the rain will wash it all away.'

Weak beginning, I've lost count of how many times I've seen 'the rain will wash it all away', yes rain cleanses things, you weren't even clear what exactly the rain was washing away. Try to avoid 'it', 'her', 'him', 'them'.

'I can't give you the world.
But I will try anyway.'

What was she sorry for? Too many personal pronouns in this first stanza; I'm sorry but you have to realise how many poems start with something like this, and that rhyme scheme too.

Stanza two was very confused:

'So come now; and take my hand.
I feel like I'm on top of this world.'

This world? The last time I checked, there was only one, so the article should be 'the'. You've adressed this girl to take your hand, and now you're wasting the night without her? Did she say no when you said 'take my hand'?

'When I close my eyes,
I worry about if you'll be there when I wake.'

You've changed tone here, you've gone from sort of optimistic and upbeat to somewhat pessimistic and there's far too many personal pronouns. You could open this up a bit and be more precise with your language.

'What makes you so damn great?
I feel like I have too much on my plate.'

Okay. A change in tone again, now you're being bitter towards her. How much what do you have on your plate? So far I've got, you've asked her to take your hand, she said no so you're being agressive? 'Damn' doesn't really add anything.

'A mouthful I just can't seem to choke down;
You were always the best mistake to make in this town. '

Good ending, an echo of what could have been. I'm sorry but you requested comments and I'd rather be honest with you than lie and say I loved it.

Stay for Dinner (9)
by Rainbow Dancing

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-01

'Silver threads catch the dew
like diamonds in the light.'

Excellent opening - painted a clear picture in the reader's mind. This piece was excellently done and I loved the title, it was deceivingly innocent aha.

'No need to give a shout
I feel vibrations on the floor'

This was great too, I liked how you didn't bluntly say 'in my web', cause then it'd be obvious.

The ending was lovely and crisp and I enjoyed the whole poem, well done, you're a rising star!
Nominated it. :)

Hmm (1)
by Inside the Liar

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-04-01

Must apologise that I haven't been able to comment your poems lately. Taking an hour from my schedule to catch up with people's poems.

'Walking on the interstate
The rush of cars is on the air
I'm barely keeping my feet on the ground
But I just can't seem to care'

Okay so we've established scene; yet I don't know what you mean by 'rush of cars is on the air', use the language to open up your descriptions. Not keen on that rhyme much, it's cliche like the 'put your hands in the air like you just don't care!' lol.

'I wonder what would happen
If I took one more step to the right
Plunged to the ground and cars rushing below
Instead of running from another sleepless night.'

So now we have meaning - the persona is suicidal or contemplating it? The third line didn't have the impact I think you wanted it to. 'Another sleepless night'; this is a bit out of nowhere.

'The doctor gave me pills to take for that
Each night before I go to bed
But lately I sweep them under the rug
Because they disturb the thoughts in my head'

Hahaha, are you writing this about me?

'Makes me wonder who I am -
If I want to be that one
So to rediscover myself
I took a walk under the radiant sun.'

Second line: be that who?
Liked the motive of the persona, it's clear.

'And even though I didn't really find
What it was I was looking for.
As the sunlight faded away
My thoughts were running pure.'

Far too many 'I's in this piece, there's no way of you letting the reader in here, so there's not much to go on. Nice image here though.

'So instead of running hard
I'll slow to a steady pace.
Count the stars hanging in the sky
Instead of trying to remember his face.'

Whoa - what? 'his face'? This was completely out of the blue and a bit of a jump in tone, please don't throw in a boy character hahaha.

'After all, it doesn't matter
When he left me or even why
As long as they keep handing out medication
Rest assured; I'll be fine.'

Too late! Haha. Bit of a strange ending, though I liked the last two lines, can't say I liked the first two though.

Revolutionary Reasons (Collab with Teen Prodigy Inc) (3)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-31

Interesting write:

'How often do we fight, to defend our conscience honor,'

This doesn't make sense - were you meant to be saying 'conscious honor'? That doesn't make much sense either. Also an 'in' needs to be placed before 'a place' in the third line.
The pentameter is all over the place throughout, and could do with being polished a bit.
It's also hard to critique since, I'm from UK and I have no say about the 'troops in Iraq', and as far as the message is concerned, it's fine; just I had trouble reading this since it jolts a bit too much. I think the idea of having this piece rhyme was a bad idea too, as some of it seems forced and it's not consistent (see first two lines of stanzas six and seven).
I liked the last stanza - it held promise but I found it too hard to read. I think:

'Now my verse is done for now, the mic is going over to Joe,
who has some words to speak, so go ahead man, go ahead and show.'

Is a bad idea in the midst of a serious 'poem', and is a bit immature, if this is a rap then the flow would be tighter and compact.

I'm sorry if what I've said seems entirely negative, it wasn't a bad poem, I'm just a bit confused by it..

Me, You, and a Nobody. (7)
by Fluffy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-31

First off - thank you so much for the comment on 'Dreamland', it was inspired and I enjoyed your anaylsis of the poem.

You have a crisp tone in your poem here - and I think you're a potential blossoming poet. I loved your relations to modern culture E.G.
The Kodak Moment, and whislt the form made it somewhat difficult to get into; once I did, I read and digested it somewhat quickly and I was left at the end, quite speechless.

'I don't spend half of my minutes
painting dandelions that won't break'

As if you spend your time creating something that won't die - but all things beautiful die..

'I teared only to see the petals of your this month
rose fade to a black.
They were looking a little ill, if I may say so myself.'

You ran a risk of being cliche here with the rose imagery but I think it worked, though I don't think 'If I may say so myself' works. I don't think you need it. I admire the communicative tone you've developed here, it reminds me of Sylvia Plath in some ways.

I don't think this poem would benefit from me pulling out stanza and sentence and analysing each one - I tend to be as honest as I can in comments and I haven't got much critical to say about this piece, nor can I match the level of detail you picked out from mine (you're from the UK; I'm not my best at one in the morning!) :P.

I loved the use of flashback in the fourth stanza, it helps the reader get to grips with the context of the poem, though you could rearrange the stanzas so we're aware of it from the start?

'But in the former week, you failed to exist and
I had forgotten everything. I had nothing
in my hands other than your hand, and that too
seemed nothing more than a broken path, a book of stories, an ethereal ros'

This was brilliant - not sure about the 'rose' again, though. Your communication was striking and bold here, and you kept it up with consistency throughout.

I did, however feel the ending with 'more cold' seemed a bit...off? It just doesn't sound correct to my ears. Perhaps some rephrasing?

I could say a lot more about this piece; I'm going to add it to my favourites anyway, it could do with another reading. Keep writing. This was excellent.

Satin Sheets to Lie On (10)
by Luanne

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-30

First off, well done on winning my contest: it was the most polished, most original and said the most out of all the poems, and I loved the tone you kept throughout.

'Scent, Chanel No.5
faux perhaps, just like her Gucci'

Loved how 'faux' relates to the 'Chanel' in etymology (both words being French) it has the effect of creating a consistent sound and tone. You took a simple subject and made it yours.

'she is

Slippery as the sheets
she LIES on'

Love the enjambment there. And like everyone else has pointed out, the capital 'LIES' was particularly powerful, it'd be in italics if it was in a book. Caps lock always looks like you're just yelling something aha. 'Slippery sheets' was a great use of sibilance too.

Only problem I had is that the stanzas get somewhat weaker as it progresses - not to say that the end is weak; just if I compared the last to the first.

'Grace, Dignity, Love'

Liked the change in tone here, positive lexis personified by those capitalisations.

'engraved upon satin sheets
Reminder !
Statement !'

I don't think 'engraved' is the right word to use here. I get connotations of stone when I think of engraved. 'Etched' perhaps?
Loved those one line sentences. 'Statement !' was excellent and the last line left me wanting more.

Really, really enjoyed this.
Your other four promised comments will come gradually. Going to nominate this though, because it was excellent.

Well done!

Unpredictable Tomorrow (12)
by Luanne

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-30

I'm glad you didn't force this. It's a chilling write and I admire you for it. Liked the inclusion of the footnote at the end.

'isolate - spirits in a cage'

Liked the imagery here. Spirits in a cage gave me a feeling of entrapment. A sad image.

'To drink life from a half-filled cup'

Loved the optimism of the 'half filled cup', still - it only being 'half' is quite sad in a way, but contrasted to it being 'half empty'.

Loved the imagery in the last stanza, it was quite striking, almost. Not going to pick this poem apart in any way but I'm going to nominate it because it's strong and admirable. Well done. :)

Believe (Etheree) (12)
by Luanne

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-30

A profound piece obviously delivered from the heart as it seems quite...close. As a reader we're not let in much into what's being said. Some of the poem is a little cliche but it's a bit hit and miss, I didn't actually mind it. It wasn't boring and I did enjoy it, particularly these lines:

'death need not be feared but understood
Heaven awaits those who learn, love, obey'

I didn't like how you said 'our Lord' as if you were including the reader, when the reader may have alternate beliefs and not be able to realise what you're saying - unless of course you were writing for yourself, in which case 'our' could be replaced. It was just a bit...preachy, that's all.
Still admired the write and I haven't had chance to look at much from you, but I think I will check up on a regular basis on your poems.
Keep writing!

Walking Alone in this Nightmare (7)
by IdTakeABulletForYou

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-30

Hard to write good ones of these since there's about a hundred submitted every day.

'All that keeps me alive today
is hope that I'll see better days;'

Bit of a lazy rhyme here, not very interesting opening.

'imprisoned here, inside this home'

What home? You didn't show it to us, and home has connotations of being 'homely' house, or room, would be more appropriate.

Thought the third stanza was okay, some nice wording in there. Not much in the ways of metaphor or imagery, though.

'to what feels like flames to a stake'

Bit uninspiring, it's like saying 'what feels like nails to a wall'.

'
I'm running out of interest in
this high-tech game we call "living".
The tasks --mundane-- fail to intrigue...
---this boring life is... boring me.'

It's a bit boring to read =/, you should attempt to intrigue the reader instead of coming across self pitying, I understand if this is just to get things off your chest, but if you're actually hoping to get somewhere with this then I'd change the tone of the poem, it's too desperate.

'It's easy faking happiness
when there is happiness to fake;
so easy walking down the street
assured there's ground below your feet.'

The best stanza, some nice wording in there, the tone is a bit off though, Well it differs from the preceedings.

'find we'd rather fall asleep
than keep walking these same damned streets.'

Streets in general? Why are they damned?

'walking alone in this nightmare...'

Weak ending. There's been no mention of a nightmare, just reality that's getting you down? A bit of a confused poem that needs a bit of work. Sorry, just there's a lot of poems like this, and you can write a 'sad' poem without drumming it into the reader. It's like an immature plea for help.

Birds Eye View (12)
by Side Effects

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-30

Simple telling and a simple subject. See you've chosen a rhyme scheme too; been a bit cynical about them lately as our words are limited with rhyme.

'Flying over memories'

interesting phrase, are you suggesting your memories or mind is a landscape? A bit confusing since it's a bit unclear by what you mean by flying.

'I guess that how it goes'

I know you said to 'avoid grammar' in your post but grammar is important and it should be 'guess that's how'. Liked the immediacy of the opening stanza.

'For there is no point in
Hiding emotion that shows'

I think you could rephrase this to something like:

'Hiding emotion that will show.'

Because the act of hiding it, is made clearer if you do that. It's not hiding otherwise lol.

'So flying higher I seen the past
The way that things were'

The flying 'image' is never made clear, it's just as if you threw it in there to able the title to fit in with the piece.

'It is then you realize what
Situation you prefer'

If you're from the UK, like it says on your profile, it should be spelt 'realise'.

I like what you're attempting in this stanza, it's perhaps the strongest. You make yourself quite clear.

'The whole thing'

Very vague and not very poetic.

'Now I am not ashamed of me'

Doesn't make sense. It'd be 'myself'. Which would also ruin your rhyme scheme, so think that through carefully.

Last stanza is a bit clumsy as it reads like a massive sentence with no clarity.

I like what you were attempting here, it's just you're a bit unclear sometimes, and your language and grammar is a bit off. With some revising, it could be a lot better.

Don't take criticsm to heart - you asked for some. :)

Starched Love {acrostic} (4)
by Novalyn Grace RR

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-30

Your second comment...:)

I'm gonna be commented out at the end of the day, I just did Luanne's five. Haha.

I love acrostics, I was trying to envision what a collaborated one would look like. :)

'Soft kisses from a pressed white collar,'

Loved the double 's' sound you used here, this made me think of like...the kisses are suited hahaha as in they're formulaic and quick, like a 'I'm off to work honey' sort of way. The passion's faded..sort of thing.

'Tightly bound by neatly ironed lies'

This was great; my tutor always tells me off for using adverbs, but I don't know why. I liked the way you hooked the line around the last, like a tie! Woop! :)

'Acquiring a taste for stiff necked embraces,'

Liked the assonance of the 'ay' sound in taste and embrace, this line was perhaps my favourite as it had a real smooth quality to it. 'stiff necked' was reminscent of the first line and the imagery you created there.

'Hell bent on seeming publicly pure. '

Isn't hellbent one word? Not sure. Were you trying to say here that the 'couple' here put on a facade of some sort? Like they appear 'in love' in public. Hmm.

'Everyone knows fascination ends with acceptance.
Dare we say acceptance of the unfascinating. '

This was absolutely brilliant. Every one of your poems has a little gem in it, whether it's a phrase or a line, or in this case two lines. I loved how you phrased this. I know it wasnt your intention but it reminded me of the fascination of knowing somebody, then what do you do when you know everything? Loved ittt. :)

'Lips curl and press without sensation,
Only to appear pleasantly matched.'

This gave me the same image as the beginning; what appears isn't necessarily what is. 'Curl' was lovely. Liked how you repeated 'press' too. The whole poem works as one yet reveals more imagery as it goes along. You talented little soul. :)

'Vicarious atonement by way of
Evolutionary passions -- we lie in love. '

The fact that this is an acrostic makes me respect this piece more, your choice of language was fascinating. 'lie in love' was something I've seen used in other contexts but it works and it's a strong ending.
Excellent work again, and I hope you're not bored of my comments and ramblings. :)

You have one more promised yet ;)

Someone to love (6)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-27

Great poem but would you mind if I made a few suggestions?:

'Like a summer breeze you came to love me,
touched my soul with the sweetness of you
All I ever wanted: someone to love, to care for
You set my being on fire with all you say and do'

'The sweetness of you' doesn't quite make sense following the phrase that comes before it, it only needs some minor rephrasing, but it might mean sacrificing rhyme. I always found clarity to be more important! :) I did admire the simplicity of this poem, you communicated everything with ease.

'Like the first frost in autumn you went away,
took me by surprise and left me shattered
Broke my heart into a thousand little pieces
My angel, you were all that really mattered'

I love the first line, and the second line is good too, but the third has been said a thousand times and it's lost it's effect through that. It's a shame but it undermines what you're trying to say, Ingrid. The last line was honest and fitted the tone.

'Now my world feels like a winter landscape
cold, deserted, I know I will never love again
When you went, you took the sun with you
In my heart there will never be another man '

Good last stanza, I think this is a great poem with some heartfelt meaning, there's just a few minor things that could be resaid to make it stronger. :)

Ink Stained (7)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-26

There was some negative and positive lexis in here and I was confused what tone you were attempting:

Nice insight on the art of tattooing

'We will not see his displaced pain,
youthful remembrance he did gain.'

It seems like 'he did gain' is a way of inverting the grammar so the rhyme works. I'd suggest rephrasing as it's as if the poem jolts. I thought the second stanza was better, and I liked how you portrayed your insight. It was clear and your rhythm was spot on.
You changed tense in the last line though as it was 'he will get a tattoo' whereas in the third stanza, you immediately switch to past tense with 'disgraced', if you kept it all in the past tense, it would flow nicer. :)

'Whether a heart, quote or flag,
his skin will be forever tagged.'

I like the idea of being 'tagged', quite a negative image but an original one nonetheless. It reminded me of branding like sheep yet tattoos are supposed to represent individuality. Interesting.

The last stanza was most strong, it had a warm ending, and quite a sentimental message behind what was written. He shows rebellion usually assosciated with parents, and angst yet he gets his mother on his back.

Nice work!

Lurking In The Shadows {Rondel} (2)
by Novalyn Grace RR

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-24

I saw your post in the 'wish' thread, ah more people should comment your work, it's not fair, and it's true to say the days go past to quickly. :(

I was going to comment your Ghost one then I realised that it was for my contest and it would have been silly of me!

Anyway:

I loved your use of capitalisations on the abstract nouns, it gives them character and allows the reader to somewhat assosciate with them more. Just a simple technique, yet an effective one. These little touches lace your work, and it's one of my favourite things about your writing. What I liked about this, was it was very philosophical, the first line suggesting between awareness and the action comes the act of expressing. Brevity is what the heart says, and how you've penned it to further suggest that it can be filtered, whether we have the courage to say what we want to say, or to speak honestly and truthfully. I won't baffle on, but I suppose I could go on about what this poem says to me for ages and not make any sense to you, so I'll spare you. :)

The line you repeated throughout was excellent, perhaps the strongest line and usually repetition weakens the line but here, it was strengthened by the repetition, it drummed in what you were saying so the reader did not get lost. I'm aware it's part of the form, but you've chosen a great line to repeat. 'Intent' is also a marvellous word isn't it? Lament, circumvent, portent, permanent...all excell'ent' words. Aha! I love it.

You have an excellent vocabulary and I feel that we have a similar approach to language. We let the words say what they can say, I feel you do it better than I, I tend to leave everything untamed whereas you have a more...steady hand, as it were. I hope you know what I'm wittering on about.

I got a warm feeling from reading the 'hand in hand' part, the national symbol, metaphoric, and physical, for the linking of two ideas or feelings or people. Holding hands symbolises more than meets the eye, I feel. Shakespeare said in Hamlet, I think 'brevity is the soul of wit', I loved that line and your poem was reminscent of that.

I won't get into too much detail of what this poem said to me, cause it said a lot...like all of your work, I solemnly wish more people could witness your writing, as your wit, and your mind, and your ideas are all above their station.

Keep writing, and I'll keep reading.

Apologies if this comment makes your head hurt!

Subjective Morality (Collab with TJ BECKER Arizona Eagle) (9)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-23

There's some delightfully crisp language in here, really impressive:

First stanza is a great opener since it's addressing somebody; whereas this makes it harder for the reader, as there's little awareness of the narrator, it gives us a glimpse into the person's thoughts, and it's intriguing. Not worth picking bits out because the poem works better without dissection. I've noticed though, there are a lot of 'the' in the first stanza.

The second follows on quite consistently with the first, it's something I admired about this piece. It was pretty coherent and consistent.

'Coldness accompanies the bleak and passionless atmosphere'

I do think this line could do with being revising since the use of 'less' twice makes it a bit clumsy to read? I don't think 'passionless' is needed. And it should be 'whilst' not 'while'. :)

Stanza three was immense, some excellent descriptions there. Nothing much to comment on other than I thought it was crisp and held some magnificent word choices.

Fourth stanza is good, too, but I dont think you need 'real' on the last line as it seems like it's just wedged in there. But it's (like I said) a consistent and sharp piece and you two should be proud of it.

Hourglass(sss) (2)
by Schemilix

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-22

I liked the flow and punch of the opening lines of this poem. The 'v' noise really adding something there. I do prefer this one to the other since it has more direction. I can also see a 'style' emerging from you. You've crafted the language with a lot of alliteration and hyperbole. I also admire the useage of rhyme here, it's not consistent which I like because you don't restrict yourself in that.

This stanza was wonderful:

'A little conundrum I beg you consider:
Why is that unfed flowers wither
When separated from their ragged ripe roots,
When stepped on and starved as little weak shoots.'

The repetition looks a bit ugly on the page, but what you're saying is quite profound. It's clear that you love repetition since the two I have looked at both use elements of it. Only problem is, repetition is often used to pinpoint certain phrases whereas you use it with a lot of phrases: 'arid land' for example. Why the repetition of that?

It's a matter of taming your linguistical choices. A lot of alliteration, repetition and sharp vocabulary won't save you if your poem is weak behind all of it. Not saying this is weak, just for future reference.

Alight (4)
by Novalyn Grace RR

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-22

(Arghh I commented this then my laptop failed, GRRRR) so forgive the recreation.

I stopped myself from commenting this because of your author's note and I thought if you were going to change it, I'd comment it in it's finalised splendour! But I suppose I've been eagerly waiting to see something new, I'm overlooking that :P.

I didn't read this piece as a complete poem, I read each stanza as a different piece, which was weird but it did more for me, especially the last couplet. (Your words have a habit of really hitting me).

'Beneath the sheets ----
between the s i g h s of dreamers,
under the starflaked sky,
---- over a fervent landscape, '

The way you spaced out 's i g h s', added a dreamlike quality to it, it prelonged the way I read it and I can't picture the stanza without it being done like that now. This piece is graphologically fantastic, and it's beautiful to look at. Moving on:
The descriptions here were somewhat contradictory, since we have the zeal and glowing connotations of 'fervent' and 'snowflaked' of which contrasts and conspires to form an interesting mental picture. Hm, :). Pretty language.

The second stanza continued the tone that the first one left off and I loved how you painted 'cascading'. 'Twisting around hearts' reminded me of something Temps had in her poem, but I think the meaning is different. What I got from that is the idea of hearts being reunited by a dream, by an unreal landscape or something to that effect. 'Building imagination' was also reminscent of that, I guess. I can't get my head around the 'hypocrisy' bit, if you could explain that to me, I'd be more than grateful!

I love the first line of that third stanza, wow. This stanza made me think of potential hope, or desire that's unfortunately been locked away and remains hidden. It's almost like there's still unexplored territory amid the dreamscape sort of thing you've depicted. I like how this stanza had echoes of sadness. Especially with that ending, in which the punctuation really helps convey it all.

Like I said, the last two lines hit me, without obvious intention, it's like your 'lack of comfort' poem, just what I'm going through at the moment really allowed me to relate to those last lines.

Excellent work, again. Even with any future changes you make. It was just nice to see you writing again. :)

(If I lose this comment now, I'm gonna flip!)

Candles (9)
by Valet Every Wish

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-19

Suppose you have to be careful with ambiguity. I can't criticise you for it though:

'Crooked wings of lovely words
Flutter towards the luminous light.
Wanting what it hopes to be ever after,
Alas, time begins to run out tonight.

Candles lit.'

I loved how you shown the details in the first three lines, then the last one told us something. It's nice and revealing, and a great touch if you ask me. The language here was excellent, not too...wordy, but still moderately complex. Is the 'Candles lit' representing the start of something shorltived? Only cause candles burn out eventually.

'Nourishment leaves the tiny body;
Greedily drinking up one's desires.
Ominous eyes of deadly recognition
Quenches the thirst of a burning fire.

Candles burn.'

The addition of the imagery of the candles is great as it just makes the poem easier to understand. I've lost count of how many times I've seen 'fire' rhyme with 'desire' but I didn't notice the rhyme scheme, which is the trait of a good poet really. You didn't seem to force. 'Candles burn' could represent a relationship, or the continuous strong feelings that the narrator feels.

'Mechanical red heart slowly dying:
Starts feeding off prey's affections.
Day and night, clouds break down
To embrace the thought of imperfection.

Candles flicker.'

Love the language here, again, the 'mechanical heart' was nice, I don't think you need 'red', though. The rhyme here was nice and the 'flicker' adds tension to the piece.

#Infectious words of poison shatter the mind
Freeing the instability of the truth.
Nothing abides to rules of invisibility,
Taking away the innocence of youth.

Candles dimmed'

The idea of 'infectious words' show deceit and how poison is gradual, it suggests the words have been said beforehand. The innocence of youth, corrupted by somebody's words. Powerful. You've turned a common story into something dark. I like how you've done that.

'Dead connection of what could've been,
Words said as ignorance is received.
Silver tears of weakness reflect a blood moon--
Heart broken; my life you have deceived.

Candles turn cold.'

I found the last two lines somewhat disappointing, only because the rhyme seemed forced on the 'deceived', nobody says 'my life, you have', it's sort of archaic grammar. 'Candles turn cold', I think one word would work better here. 'Damned' or even 'die', just the two words ruin the consistency.

I loved this though, great work!

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Bedrooms (pt. II) (1)
by ether

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-17

Thought I'd comment your latest since I haven't read your work in a while.

The first stanza starts off pretty standard I reckon, just because a lot of poems do start with that contemplation state of the narrator. It's really hard to write love poems that don't begin the same as a lot of others so I won't criticise you for that.

The second stanza was far more interesting, I'm glad you picked up a bit there. Dynamite fingers was a great phrase, and I loved the last line there. It was refreshing to read, haha.

Third stanza is pretty good too, except that last line is a bit out of place. It's sorta wedged in there. Grammatically it just doesn't sound right, and it sticks out like a sore thumb cause everything surrounding it is nice.

Fourth stanza was perhaps the strongest, nothing to comment on there except I really enjoyed it, 'gasoline insides' was great. The whole poem is dotted with nice little phrases like that:

'Started the rains, turned the tides,
I'm Noah with half an ark.'

Was worth quoting cause I thought it was excellent. Strong image there. It also ends well too, the last stanza has a great flow and it doesn't end abruptly nor bluntly pessimistic either. A good write, in my opinion. Some minor things let it down.

First stanza was a bit weak, but the rest was spot on. Good work

Photoshopped to Delightful Health (5)
by BrokenREALiTy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-17

When I read this, I was totally taken aback. I absolutely loved it, excellent title by the way:

'Heart enclosed in a doughnut of allergies--
suffering sugar aches and bitten tongues.
contacts are finally starting to bug my eyes;
even with 20/15 vision, i can't read Braille.'

Using the word doughnut reinforced the idea of the 'sugar aches' echoing in the next line. The idea of a circle (doughnut) shows entrapment and I loved that idea. The last two lines of that stanza were superbly confessional and phonetic, very contemporary language used here. I suppose because you allow the reader entry to the character/persona and it really helps. It was probably my favourite stanza, not saying that the rest wasn't good.

'the contours of your laugh leave bumps upon my skin
only shattered glass could ever understand.
fill the gaps of dented veins and print me photographs;
taste buds can't sample mercury bubbles.'

You have a consistent tone throughout this which I really admire. The reference to another character was introduced which was interesting, suggesting the poem is written to directly mention someone, because you didn't say 'his laugh'.
'Dented veins' wasn't the nicest of images but it really works in the context of the poem.

'intricate jargon puzzles the average mind;'

This was an excellent line. The contradicition in language too. 'Average mind' to 'intricate jargon'. The 'sun cracked' lips give us an image of the persona, quite subtle but it must be important or the inclusion wouldn't have been necessary.

'unlike the lacy push-up bra i wear to beautify
curves that aren't just bumps on a cement street.'

It made me smile reading this because I just loved how you put this. The idea of 'looking good' when you're walking around, and people don't notice. There was a great attitude coming from the persona.

The last stanza summed everything up quite neatly without feeling like a conclusion, it was a satisfying ending to a great poem. Nominating this cause I thought it was excellent. :)

Convergence (14)
by Krathia

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-16

It says on your profile that you're sixteen, for your age I think you know a lot about poetry and looking through some of your work, it's evident you have a natural talent shining through.

'A seraph, perched
Atop an opaline moon
Honey tears bleed from crystalline eyes,
Falling; tumbling stardust
To nocturne zephyrs; insubstantial.'

Some lovely language here that could do with being tamed. I don't think 'honey' connotes what you want it too, and the imagery you've used is very silver, and shiny. To add honey just confuses it, I think.
As honey doesn't tumble. This poem reminds me very much of another poet on this site, her name is Nyellmoonlight. 'Opaline moon' was fantastic.

'Darkness is no stranger
Nor secret here; cryptic truths rest
Behind the reflection (quivering)
Of dissolved memories'

Nice sentence structuring here, you've obviously thought the syntax out properly, and the added use of parenthesis breaks the flow and draws our attention to the verb which suggests to me, or echoes the sadness that was depicted earlier on.

'Trail of saffron scintillas
Disintegrating into amber snowdrops;
Star-kissed notes, trickling
To meet the night.'

It's strange here because you repeat that honey imagery, but at the top, it stands a bit out of place. If you'd used it here, it'd fit in with the 'trickling' and the amber snowdrops you've portrayed. It's a shame how 'star-kissed' has become somewhat cliched over the past year or so...

'Aurous veils, glimmering,
Windblown from eastern skies
Liquid sound spirals in a golden chalice,
Falling; tumbling star-song '

Beautiful language here, you've hidden meaning behind a fortress of linguistics! I liked the repetition of 'falling; tumbling', although 'star' seems somewhat overused in this piece. I suppose if you changed 'star-kissed' in the previous stanza..

'Magic is no stranger
Nor secret here; hidden hopes sing
Within the warmth (trembling)
Of melted fantasies.'

I like the contrast of darkness and magic, the saddening imagery described, onto the sweet portrayal of the teardrops, to the sincere magic.

The poem reads like a mirrored event of something simple, just depicted with complex lexis. I won't take a stab at the meaning because I think one person's guess is as good as the other's, I don't think a poem like this should have a definite meaning. When I first read it, it read to me like a journey through the night to the morning, the convergence to equilibrium at the end, with the character just being symbolised as an angel.

Excellent work.

Silhouette (6)
by Krathia

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-16

If you read this, then read Convergence, you wouldn't know it's from the same writer.

'I find it hard to breathe in silence,
stifled by rainless clouds and
lifeless dust on books never opened,
never read, much like our hearts.
[I'd much rather stagger-breathe
through the sound of tears.]'

'Lifeless dust' was a strange phrase to me because when has dust ever been lively? Unless you were using this to suggest the lack of movement or air surrounding this dust. I think that 'lifeless' could be replaced with a stronger adjective though. 'Stagger-breathe' could have not worked but it did in this case, and it was extremely striking. It's a good opening stanza as it sets a very...still tone.

'I find it hard to cry in silence.
I do not want to hear nothing
but regret; I do not want to blame
no one but myself.
[I'd much rather shed my tears
in misty songs of slumber.]'

This was unfortunately a weaker stanza than the first. 'I do not want to hear nothing' was somewhat clumsy, yet I see what you're trying to say. It's just not coming across so well here. I liked the change of one word though, as other commenters have pointed out.

'I find it hard to sleep in silence
and in darkness, when my dreams are of
liquid sound and light
and whispers of your love.
[I'd much rather slumber amongst lullabies,
away from thoughts like these.]'

Perhaps the strongest stanza, this contained the most powerful wording, and the flow was fantastic here, the only problem I'm having with this poem is the lack of consistency in the imagery. I thought this stanza was expertly written though, so well done on that. I loved how you turned something simple into something far more complex.

'I find it hard to think in silence,
but sometimes, you have to
stop running away, and for once,
face the music.
[But still, I'd much rather
just be with you again,
in blessed silence.] '

I do feel, that the first and third stanzas are strongest. This last one communicates a lot more to the reader, though. It read as a conclusion in it's entirety and it was a well written piece overall.

With some careful revision it could be even better. Good work. :)

Break My Heart (6)
by PygmyPuff

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-16

'Even when I'm awake I dream of you;
I hope things can go right this time.'

'Can go' is a bit immature in my opinion, and the strength of the first line is undermined by this. Some minor rephrasing of that particular line would suffice. It's a very dreamy like poem, the repetition of 'dream' enforces this. There is a lot of repetition in this piece, I could say almost too much, but I enjoyed reading this.

'Because I'm sleeping, and I'm dreaming.
If you break my heart again, I might not wake up. '

This ending could be tidied up a bit. We (as the reader) already know that the persona is dreaming. So if you kept that last line and changed the above one, you could have something that doesn't spoonfeed the reader.

Just a suggestion..
Good write. :)

The Birthday Massacre (8)
by AlaSkA

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-16

This is an extremely vivid and interesting write. It read almost like a train of thought, it was very free flowing. Almost dreamlike in it's entirety.

'To keep low synergy:
at Christmas, meet at the isthmus.
A brine labyrinth for you and yours,
& this me isn't mine.'

Those last two lines seemed like you were trying to be overly clever with grammar, I can see what you're trying to do but I don't feel it works.

'Still counting sheep? Oh restless sleep.
A maritime landscape... or-
Portrait number two.'

This was great, it reminded me of Shakespeare, just in how it seemed like one of his soliloquys in Hamlet or something. Excellently penned.

'Its so contradictory, yet deliberately put..
im throwing a party in my head. '

Perhaps would have liked it to be longer, it seems to be over in an instant and the imagery could be further explored.

Regardless, it's a good write. Well done.

Small Town USA (5)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-16

Bruce Springstein is fantastic.

'On this vast continent big dreams die slow deaths
In little bergs with funny names: small towns
Where youngsters grow up unaware of their fate
and bright colors get replaced by grays and browns'

This was a nice introductory stanza, it's easily readable and how you communicate the naivety of youth in a simple format is excellent. It's good to see something different from you, Ingrid.

'Entire families depend on one factory, the pulsating heart
In spite of all the dreams you end up doing as your daddy did'

The ideologies of following in your fathers footsteps. The idea of the factory could be turned into a stronger metaphor but I suppose it works here too. I was just thinking it'd be nice to use the metaphor to represent the monotonous cycles.

'On Saturday nights young ones gather at the drive in
and later head off to lovers lane for an intimate one on one
If they are lucky enough to find one who's not a cousin or niece
Making out in daddies pickup truck, until the night is done'

Haha! This was great, I loved the change in tone here. The attitude you expressed was quite matter-of-fact. Really enjoyed that. No changes here. 'One on one' made me laugh.

The ones without protection get a bun in the oven early
and a wedding without the cake, stares from angry parents'

This was cleverly written! I didn't expect something like this from you. The tone is consistent and I loved the idea of the bun in the oven. Ha! This whole poem could have been trite but you made it interesting and entertaining.

The last stanza seemed abrupt, I suppose. I perhaps would have liked to see more here. It just seems like you're concluding a bit too fast, we get a nice build up and a sudden end. It's not disappointing, I suppose it's a good thing because you leave the reader wanting more.

Well done!!

Death lurking near (11)
by Dixiedaisy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-16

This was a truly moving and striking piece. The fact that you included the inspiration for it at the end just added to that.

'Tap tap tap upon the door
Who could it be at this hour?
Sleep is imminent
but at what cost?'

Use of questioning is a great device, it makes the reader think about what you're asking, you jump right into it. As a reader, I was drawn in to what you were saying.

'Watching the clock knowing not the hour
Stillness of combined breaths
yet from the living
trying to breathe for him when it's not possible
His breaths becoming'

That first line was powerful, and the reptition of 'breath' really drove in what you were saying. You got across a feeling of desperation and weakness.

'Like it would do any good we are

Stirring
Staring
Pacing
Praying'

The dying last attempt. Hope fades when somebody is dying, we do anything we can, turning to religion, contemplating our minds, striving to find an answer and cure that just isn't there. You penned this with excellence, and I applaud you for it. This could have easily been a rant but you've made it poetic, too. You involve the reader with the thoughts.

You ended with a question, which was fantastic, it allowed the reader to think outside what you were saying, maybe they relate or maybe they just want to think about what you're communicating.

You captured sadness and desperation so well here. I'm nominating this. Brilliant work.

Your Friendship To Me... (5)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-16

'Your friendship to me,
is like a golden treasure.
Loyalty, honesty, shines.'

I liked the comparison to golden treasure, it could be considered cliche but I liked how you made use of the simile. The connection between honesty and the treasure, like you obviously treasure the friendship. 'Shines' denotes something appealing like it stands about above other friendships.

'There when I need you,
making things better always,
comforting, understanding.'

The form you used here was simple and effective, it made it easier to read I think. Not much to comment on here other than it had some nice touches.

'You have that magic touch,
to wash all sorrow away,
gifting me with a smile.'

Using personal pronouns like 'you' when writing a poem detaches the reader. I know it's a dedication but you can make a dedication better for the reader with using phrases and not directly adressing the particular friend.

'Your endless friendship...
our countless memories shared,
will never be forgotten.'

This was sweet, you did capture the essence of true companionship in this poem. 'Countless' was a great word to use as it connoted limitlessness. I expected it to have a hint of sadness but it didn't.

'Expressing thank you...
(only a speck of how much
This heart appreciates you.) '

I loved this! Such a beautiful stanza. The honest truth was shown here, the way you phrased it was excellent. 'This heart' was almost as if you were offering it.

Brilliant.

Catastrophe. (3)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-16

'Mascara mixes with tears that leak from eyes,
millions of emotions felt at once become released.
Streaks created upon cheeks, painting them black.'

I loved the strong image you painted in my mind in the first line. It was very striking to imagine the makeup running. I do think 'millions of emotions' undermines what you're saying here as it seems phonetic and I don't think it works. The last line echoes the first with that imagery again. The second line, I feel needs a bit of rephrasing.

It's evident in your writing that it's coming from your heart because we tend to use hyperbole when we do that. It's noticable in my 'let them rot' poem.

'Waiting alone, slowly stress consumes,
thoughts tangle within an already full mind...
seeking a soul to hold me tight, kiss my tears.'

This stanza was bloody brilliant. You always have a lot of simple language and throw in phrases that blow me away. Wow. I think 'Kiss my tears away' might sound better though?

'Mind like a bomb ready to explode in pieces...'

I don't think this works in the context of the piece...just the way you said 'explode in pieces, you could keep the image of the bomb, but just reinstate.

I thought the ending would have been nicer here:

'face in palms, hoping that this thin thread doesnt break'

As it was really strong :).

It's clear that writing helps us forget our anger, keep venting it away if poems like this are turning out. :)

Manifestation of Creation (2)
by Mer Divinity

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-15

I did think the title seemed a bit unfitting to the poem. It almost undermines it in a sense.

'Exponentially addictive, silver-lining and stylistic;
Caught in motion, gliding trace -
Naturally resplendent, undergoing predictive, going realistic,
Beautifying embrace.'

There's some really strong images here, some strong vocabulary that maybe needs taming a bit? It's a bit of a mouthful (namely the third line), I liked the opening, you set a sharp tone although 'undergoing', then 'going' seem to jolt the poem's flow a bit.

'Unchangeable truth, enviable cause;
Changing magnificence to greater brilliance -Parting abhorrence, that is and that was.'

I liked your assonance here. The last line was interesting. Parting abhorrence was a nice way to put it. Since it's a friendship poem, I'm predicting...well it feels like a dedication almost, without explicitly using the pronoun 'you', it just feels like an honest dedication to a friend, or perhaps the evolution of a friendship?

'Distribution of ardor, appearance of youth -
Undyingly lovable, esteeming the truth;
Immeasurably amiable, perseverant and strong,
Full of gratification - a magnificent song.'

I did find it strange how you introduced rhyme here in a different fashion than the ABAB in stanza one, then the assonance in stanza two, yet three and four have AABB. Saying that, I found the flow in stanza three really polished, there's some really great language in there. The last line was particularly sweet. Still remains confusing in terms of consistency though.

'Eternally euphoric, perpetually benign,
Showing benevolence and a love divine -
Indulgent and candid, irreplaceable mind,
Ceaselessly eye-catching, one of a kind.'

This last stanza somehow shouts to me 'best friends', just because of that last line. The flow was spot on here too, and there's not much to comment on critically but I think you've penned this well.
It's a nicely written poem, and it's also a great read. It's just a bit inconsistent. Top two stanzas and the bottom two seem to differ (not in terms of language) but form.

Good write anyway :)

When Will This All End? (3)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-15

It's a shame to see so many 'sad poems' from you lately Temps. I hope you're okay.

The repetition here is slightly off-putting on first glance. Especially since you used it in the title, but it works with the poem I think. I don't think you need it as frequently. I think if you altered the form, it might communicate better.

'Conquering the impossible..
thats what it will take this time.'

You used strong language to convey what you were trying to say. You're precise in your vocabulary. There's nothing more to comment on here. It's a strong opening.

'The end of this catastrophic crisis,
sadly is not near, its nowhere in sight.'

I think if you placed these two couplets together, and took out the first 'When will all this end?' It'd be stronger, but that's just my opinion. Catastrophic crisis was a great phrase.

'Praying that everything gets resolved,
with any faith, hope, that remains...'

I think you need a conjunction in the second line, to string the sentence together, it reads a bit none-sensical. What you're getting across here is great though. You have a way with sad poems.

'Communication slim, words unspoken,
desperate to find a conclusion.'

This stanza was particularly strong. I liked the first line. Nothing much to comment on here except I liked your alliteration. I don't know if it was intentional but it worked.

'Looking for reassurance,
for someone to tell me it'll be okay...

And an answer to this burning question:
when will this all end?'

We all want answers sometimes, we all have something that we need solving. Maybe there's only one person who can stop it. The repetition at the end was nice, but I think you should double up the couplets and lessen the repetition to make it more strong.

Good work Temps :)

My Beast, you're Beautiful (5)
by Melpomene

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-13

Nice to see something new from you.

'A veil which spreads,
Gently 'round thy heart
flutters with his
lashes breeze.'

This had a very arcahic style to it, the lexis and linguistical choices you made were quite risky since sometimes, when used, older styles of vocabulary end up sounding dated and clunky, but I think you pulled it off well here.

'As midnight strikes
we shall be pale,
for we'd never sleep
at comforts ease.'

I love that 'we shall be pale', it was such a nice phrase. The use of the qualifier, and you painted a pitcuresque image in my head. The last two lines screamed romance and your simple language was put to good effect.

'No fairy tale shall
mimic songs.
For beast was beauty
and beauty thy beast.
I've loved eternity
for far too long,
as I've counted
the chimes of a
everlasting peace.'

The final two lines there were marvellous, although you forgot to put 'an' instead of 'a'.

I enjoyed this stanza immensely, though it was casually dotted with fillers that you could perhaps tidy up at a later date. The flow was lovely and I admired the lack of rhyme but you still kept it sounding sweet and poetic, without being overly sweet.

'I've watched you sleep,
with crescent moons,
to never feel affection,
would end my song.
As stars evolve we
live for serenity
A muse of connection
tranquil we belong.'

I'd have perhaps liked to see some of that archaic lexis here too. The ending was suiting. And you painted a very pale message behind your words here. The idea of the 'crescent moon' was wonderfully subtle, and you attempted a different approach to the simple love poem. You've created a nice form, not too difficult to read and it's not overwrought either. It's a very impressive write.

My Serenade (Collab with End Of Eternity) (13)
by Cindy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-13

This is a sweet poem:

'Your heart is like an island
I wish to have discovered before
Your voice is like an ocean
Where I never want to find the shore'

The imagery and similes used here are easy to comprehend and quite fitting to the poem's tone. I do think the word 'where' is a bit misplaced here. I don't think you need it.

'Your heart beat is the music
That soothes me to sleep
Your bright smile in the memories
I will forever keep'

Very romantic and sweet. The idea of a heartbeat (being just a continuous drone) putting someone to sleep is quite interesting, I got an image of a couple holding each other tight, and her head pressed against his chest.

'Your breaths are like a breeze
Spreading love all around
Your dreams could embrace the sky
Without lifting a foot from the ground '

I think 'your breath is like a breeze' would be nicer, but I adored the last couplet, the flow was spot on and is perhaps the best moment in the poem. Excellent.

'Your Strength embraces me
Like a Majestic Mountaintop
You're quietly in the distance
Pure love lifting me up '

I admire the consistency you have here. The alliteration was nice and again, it's another well penned stanza. Nothing much critical to say other than 'quietly' seems off, as an adverb.

'Your eyes are deep enough
To look in, till the end of eternity
Your faith is strong enough
To shine on the Worlds beauty '

Flow was a bit off in the second line but I liked the idea of the eyes almost being bottomless, always finding solace there, always finding something new. Brilliant.

'Your laughter is my serenade
Brings me smiles when I grieve
You're my trusted tree of life
To whom I'll always cleave'

Fantastic ending, really admired this poem's consistency and well chosen lexis. Brilliant collaboration (although I couldn't tell it was one) because it flowed so well.

Good work!

My Serenade (Collab With Cindy) (11)
by End Of Eternity

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-13

This is a sweet poem:

'Your heart is like an island
I wish to have discovered before
Your voice is like an ocean
Where I never want to find the shore'

The imagery and similes used here are easy to comprehend and quite fitting to the poem's tone. I do think the word 'where' is a bit misplaced here. I don't think you need it.

'Your heart beat is the music
That soothes me to sleep
Your bright smile in the memories
I will forever keep'

Very romantic and sweet. The idea of a heartbeat (being just a continuous drone) putting someone to sleep is quite interesting, I got an image of a couple holding each other tight, and her head pressed against his chest.

'Your breaths are like a breeze
Spreading love all around
Your dreams could embrace the sky
Without lifting a foot from the ground '

I think 'your breath is like a breeze' would be nicer, but I adored the last couplet, the flow was spot on and is perhaps the best moment in the poem. Excellent.

'Your Strength embraces me
Like a Majestic Mountaintop
You're quietly in the distance
Pure love lifting me up '

I admire the consistency you have here. The alliteration was nice and again, it's another well penned stanza. Nothing much critical to say other than 'quietly' seems off, as an adverb.

'Your eyes are deep enough
To look in, till the end of eternity
Your faith is strong enough
To shine on the Worlds beauty '

Flow was a bit off in the second line but I liked the idea of the eyes almost being bottomless, always finding solace there, always finding something new. Brilliant.

'Your laughter is my serenade
Brings me smiles when I grieve
You're my trusted tree of life
To whom I'll always cleave'

Fantastic ending, really admired this poem's consistency and well chosen lexis. Brilliant collaboration (although I couldn't tell it was one) because it flowed so well.

Good work!

Death in the End (4)
by Alexander

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-12

First off, thank you for you comment on 'Let Them Rot', it was honest and I praised it.

'Time keeps slipping by
like sand through an hourglass;'

To be honest, this simile is very uncreative in my opinion, it's the same level as saying 'like the timer on a microwave', you need a stronger simile to allow the reader the envision something. You show here a very pessimistic outlook on life, it's a neat idea but a poem needs more than a good idea.

'but always I wonder why
life begins and ends so fast.'

Hm, by using 'I' you're sort of, secluding your reader, you're not allowing them in here, it's fine if you're writing a poem about an event of a character but if you don't allow the reader in then it'll never be successful. Maybe rephrase that first line.

'It is like one minute you are here
the next you are gone,'

Well we got that already. I liked the tone you use here, it's very matter of fact. 'It's like' though, sounds quite immature in a way. Almost phonetic and I don't think it works here.

'simply disspeared
like the ending of the dawn.'

Spelling mistake there, and I think 'the' isn't needed twice. 'The ending of the dawn' doesn't make sense really. I see what you were trying to do here but some slight revision here could be needed. I don't think dawn rhymes with gone anyway.

'Darkness seeps in,
takes over the heart;
not one person can win...
it will rip your soul apart.'

I can't think of anything to comment on here except you don't gain anything from using elipsis there. Probably the strongest point of the poem.

'In the end I keep wondering why
everone has to die.'

Maybe better rephrased as

'I'm left wondering why
everyone has to die.'

I see what youre trying to do here and it's not a bad poem, just open up your language a bit, just make it bigger.

Keep writing.

Dancing the Waltz. (4)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-12

I was looking forward to reading this Temps.

'Blue dress sparkling with jewels beaming full of elegance,
is fitted flawlessly around her alluring hourglass figure.'

First line was beautifully described. It really had a nice touch to it. Crisp language there. The alliteration was nice in the following line but (after saying last night I liked it) 'alluring hourglass figure' sounds a bit...too much? It's like my breath is dying to get to the last word. Bit of a tongue twister. 'Hourglass figure' works on the same level, in my opinion.

'Deeply gazing, intimidation arises as seductive eyes
wrap around his heart, luring his soul closer.'

Wrap around his heart and lure his soul? Hm, I think this couplet needs the slightest rewording. I feel 'wrap' is the wrong choice of what eyes do. I see what you're attempting to do, it's just ever so slightly off.

'Gently placed, his hand secure on the small of her back,
one of hers lying upon his shoulder, the other tightly held.
The smell of inviting cologne embedded into his tux,
woos her innocent soul, instantly lost in the aroma.'

There's nothing critical to comment on here, seriously, I loved it. 'Embedded' was lovely, and I adored the image you paint in my head here. It's very classy, very glossy imagery. I really like it. Delight to read.

'Their bodies move gracefully to the beat of the music,
steps in sync with one another as the song progresses.
Romance faintly flows through their veins with every lyric,
dancing the waltz beneath the star painted sky. '

For me 'beat' is the wrong word. For a waltz and for something so classy. The word 'beat' connotes...drum and bass to me. It's a shame because it entirely undermines that stanza before it. 'Pace' or something equally significant would do. The rest is excellent. 'Star painted sky' was a nice image to end it on.

Temps, this was a lovely and addictive write from you, and I enjoyed reading it. Just beware of word choice. Just a few minor alterations and an instant classic for you. Well done. :)

Realize and Remember. (4)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-11

See, the problem with personal poems is that sometimes we sacrifice linguistics for emotion.

I liked the subtitles you included at the start of each little stanza. The idea of a 'Fresh coat of tears' was a fantastic line, implying that you've replaced older tears with newer ones. It's quite a saddening and somewhat striking image. You don't need 'for there are none' in the second stanza as it reiterates what has previously been said.

The last two stanzas were somewhat more optimistic, yet still carried a sad tone from the previous. Optimism is great to introduce to a sad poem as it makes the sadness more obvious.

I think a good name for this poem would be 'Realize and Remember' because it practically sums up what's being said here.

The Story Of The Little Green Goblin (Children's poem) (16)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-11

'Once upon a time, in a country far, far away,
lived folks so gentle, unicorns, elves, goblins, dragons,
residing peacefully, in a land of magical harmony,
sheltered from the weather in brightly painted wagons.'

I liked the familiarity and echo of the beginning, it's reminiscent of children's stories I used to read with brightly painted pictures but I didn't need the pictures here because you both painted them for me. :) It's not too childish either, it has it's adult moments too, it's good because I think it appeals to both.

'In this world of magic, all creatures had their place.
A maze, filled with activity throughout the day.
From early dawn, when they gathered their food,
til sundown around the fire, dancing the night away.'

This sounds like a magical place, the idea of escapism here, it's a place I think children would want to go to! I love the little phrases that always exist in children's poetry. It's lovely.

'How could one wish to leave such a place, you'd say.
Still one little green goblin decided it was for the best,
if he gathered his pitiful belongings and went away.
So early one morning he and his wagon headed west.'

I liked how you brought a character into it, it makes it more interesting for the reader and there's not much to comment on the language, it's pretty much consistent throughout. 'Pitiful belongings' was quite powerful.

'
Westward to the land of opportunity, so he thought.
Things will be better there, no more ridicule for being green.
Being different than all the others left behind, felt so out of place.
His hopes were high, he would fit in, no one would be mean.'

I think that children who are picked on at school can relate to this, being different is every child's worst nightmare and this is shown here, it's almost a metaphor for child life.

I might have liked a bit more from this, I mean, everything's there, but it felt a bit short in it's entirety, still I gotta hand it to you both. Excellent job.

Breath of the Frozen Witch (Collab with TJ BECKER Arizona Eagle) (11)
by Italian Stallion

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-11

It's almost as if you can't tell who wrote which stanza, it's a beautifully written poem worth commenting on:

'Breath of the Tundra witch blows frigid across the land.
Voices of the wind howl and are legion in command.
Oceans morph into glass as snow chases down the day.
Permafrost over rocky ground where caribou come to play.'

There's some wonderfully crisp language here that help to paint vivid pictures in the readers head. There's something about nature poems that make me feel so relaxed reading them. The idea of the ocean morphing was excellent.

'Stately mountains in purple cloaks, laced with brilliant white,
Silhouette the majestic kings as day withers into night.
Nature's a master painter, with a palette of infinite hues,
the sky serves as a canvas softening the rocky muse.'

The third line made this stanza for me, the fourth echoes the idea of painting introduced inthe line above. There's almost too much imagery here but not quite. It's a visual poem to read aloud in my head. It's soothing.

I'll stop copying and pasting parts now, because the poem is consistently beautiful and to pull it apart seems unnecessary. It was a satisfying read, my favourite stanzas being the second and the third.

Well done guys.

The Way (2)
by Inside the Liar

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-11

I think the second line should be put in between brackets since it reads a bit clumsily, plus that 'love you but I hate you' is somewhat trite and overused.

'Love the way you catch me
Hate when you have to see me fall'

See, the contrast works here, you don't need to declare it in the first line.

'I love the way you call me 'honey'
And the way you hold me tight
But hate the way you sometimes tease me
And how you seem to like to fight'

Language here was simple and effective, allows the reader to be able to relate. Rhyme was a little deliberate but that's not a bad thing in this case.

'I hate the way you're someone else
When your friends are all around
But love the way you gave me wings
To take off from the ground'

I liked the last two lines, it was lovely and warm and somewhat romantic. I enjoyed this stanza, most, perhaps.

I'd have liked to see some variation among the repetition, and if you look into what you've said, it's a very complicated relationship you've described. A very ambigious one...you sounded phonetic in this but the use of 'love and hate' started to grate after a while because such strong words are given no room to breathe here.

Good work anyway. :)

Prelude to Nightmares (9)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-09

'Under a spine of aluminum,
and the lungs of nitroglycerine'

A strong opening couplet. Those polysyllabic words really working in your favour here, as they add a really dark and (of course) the idea of chemicals gives it a really vivid edge. The idea of an aliminium spine makes it sound flimsy, strong wording.

'lay me to rest between the fangs
of chimera with identity crisis;'

I agree with The Tasteless about 'with indentity crisis', the above image stands very strong on it's own. 'Between the fangs' gave me a feeling of vunerability, the idea of being trapped.

'orchestrate another lullaby,
fairytale about schizophrenia
and decayed words
written on brittle tarot cards. '

The way you sculpt your words into form is awe-inspiring. You use carefully chosen complex wording, and fit it all into a readable piece which doesn't just seem like...a wall of words. Your poetry also has an addictive quality to it. Brittle tarot cards linked me back to the first couplet, and the idea of the 'aluminium spine'. The tarot cards are nice touch, 'brittle' suggesting that the readings are flimsy, and can easily be broken apart. Excellent word choice.

'Before the wrinkles
of seemingly endless night
kiss my pupils with illusions
and let me dream.'

This stanza was strange because it just seemed to simply contrast all the language you'd previously used. However, reading back, I see the importance of it. I found echoes here of your older poetry. The one that seemed to be about insomnia, and 'revelations', the idea of the droning society. I'm probably wrong but you have motifs that appear in your work, and I like it.

Another strong write from you.

Keep it up...:)

Blind. (21)
by Blissful

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-08

Even from the title, I knew it was going to be something relatively different. I like how you let your thoughts spill out here, it worked in your favour.

'Tangled in those heavy sheets
Unable to become one with slumber
Scenes unfold in her mind
Like a roll of film sick of being ignored
It seems the stop button is broken
Memories play in slow motion like a tease
Stinging open wounds'

You need punctuation here, just to freshen it up a bit. I loved the simile of a roll of film, it added something that the stanza needed. You state the pain with striking accuracy, targeting the reader. The last line added something, I don't know, I wanted to read on. Your choice of words here was great.

'Like that cloudy day in the park
Wearing a smile and her new red boots
Hoping for him to pull up
It seemed like an endless wait
Although the clock showed it was only 10 minutes
10 soon became 20 then rolled onto 60
[He's never going to come...]
With the desire to run away
She quickly fled her resting spot
And in the process soiled her red boots
[Better my boots then my heart or has he soiled that too?]'

The use of the brackets allowed us access to the narrator's mind. I liked this touch. Your ability to make the reader relate is overpowering. the idea of waiting, the heart being squandered. The metaphor of the red boots was magnificent. It reads like a narration, a story. It's weird that it's written by you. It doesn't read like something you've written. It's refreshing to read, actually.

'Like the cold night in her front yard
He promised to stop by
Although she was hesitant
Head over heels and naive
She waited...
...he showed up
Stayed for maybe 5 minutes
Drenched in expensive perfume
[I wonder if he was with her again]
Feeling used yet seeing love
Not that lovey dovey nonsense she polluted her mind with
No, the kind that merely satisfies his lustful craving
If you could even call that love
[I wonder if he'll marry me]
She knew the answer
But her fantasies kept her going'

That bit in the brackets was strong, the longing and naivety of the narrator is shown here. You've taken a simple subject and made it different. I like how it reads like a mind map of thoughts. It's clear as a writer who writes like this, like me, that you've used the write technique for this piece. There's no words that stand out, out of place. The lack of punctuation, however, makes it sometimes a bit difficult to read upon first reading.

'[I wonder if he'll marry me]
Echoes as a haunting whisper while she jolts awake
Soaked and chilled with sweat
And her heart beating faster than a racecar'

I didn't like that simile on the last line, it felt clumsy in the presence of the rest of the poem. 'Chilled with sweat' was different. The repetition on the first line was great.

'[You're just another toy
So he can have his little fun
Then dispose of you
Just like the rest
Marriage? Foolish child!
Open your eyes...]'

Wow. This bit was definitely the highlight. It was evil, almost. It showed the naivety in the character and the devil on the shoulder, or the conscience of the narrator.

'Just like a broken record
...does anyone play those anymore?
[Antique or maybe extinct...like my faith]'

Amazing. Nothing more to say.

'Shutting her eyes one last time
[I hope he meets me in my dreams]'

A great finish. Bliss, I mean this when I truly say you've topped yourself. You've excelled, and it shows here. I was engrossed, and I was taken aback. I didn't expect this. Nomination time. Wow. :)

What Happens in the Past... (3)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-07

Good to see something new from you!

'What happens in the past, cannot be erased,
by using any valid method, failure will result.'

This was very philisophical, I don't know why but I'd have loved some assonance here. Some internal rhyme, just to give it that extra kick.

'No matter how hard one tries, it's impossible,
for memories captured are irreplaceable in life.'

I like the wording here, you kept that sound and tone you had in the first couplet. Good stanza, quite a bit of wisdom embedded in here.

'Deeply engraved beyond distinct moments,
lies a wide essortment of feelings encountered...
through every definite detail of thoughts in time.'

*assortment* :), I loved the words you used here, I didn't expect something like this from you. I don't like to gush on comments but I really enjoy this, not much to critically comment on. The past is a reminder of all we cannot change!

'Our hearts protect these with tender arms,
so we can look back upon them as lessons,
as guidelines for the unpredictable future ahead.'

The use of the article 'the' gives it a 'definite' quality and a good finish. This poem reads very well. I might have liked it if there was some internal rhyme, but it's still a very good piece of work. I enjoyed this...:)

As Long As I Live {I'll Never Forgive You} (2)
by xLilMissFrostyx

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-06

Interesting write..

'After everything that I've done for you
All of my respect and trust you've betrayed
Pretending once more that you're the victim here
Yeah, keep on playing this stupid masquerade'

The word 'stupid' ruined this stanza for me, it made it sound a bit immature? I think it was a word too many for the flow too.

'Continue feigning that you've done nothing wrong
Acting always like you're the greatest best friend
Make another sob story for the next available ear
When all you do is act and constantly pretend'

Good stanza, I liked the third line. The deliverance was sharp. Suppose we can all relate to this, we've all had friends who have treated us like crap.

'Would have done anything in the world for you
And you know that all you had to do was ask
Yet you chose to steal from me, lie to me
Never saw deceit hidden underneath your mask'

The last line didn't make sense to me because if you knew your friend was wearing a mask in the first place, then wouldnt you/the narrator be suspicious in the first place? Powerful wording though..

'And now that you've finally been caught out
Doing your best to wreck things with me and him
What's that saying, what goes around comes around
So honey I hope that you have learned to swim!'

Swim? Are you planning to drown her? Haha. Didn't understand that part. I liked the rhythm in this stanza, it had a feel of immediacy.

The ending was powerful and not much to comment on.

A well delivered piece that with some minor changes, will be better.

Well done. :)

Spirit of the Three (Sonnet) (6)
by Mr Darcy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-03

May I be the first to say I have been eagerly anticipating another poem from you for some time. I wasn't disappointed, although I'd like to discuss some things with you:

'Rays of hope arc like caressing fingers,
Shimmering out from a virgin kissed sun,
Dreams of promises for years have lingered,
Breathing new beginnings, life has begun.'

There's some crisp language here, really nicely described phrases, but I feel with an intense amount of adjectives and pre and post modifiers, you tend to loose your reader a bit. It read beautifully but it's difficult to follow when there's a lot of polysyllabic words.

'Flurrying feathers dance on the morn' breeze
Through a fabric of detailed devotion
They sing joyously, lightly o're the freeze,
Spirit of the three gifts them safe motion'

You're a master of alliteration and assonance, you pull it off flawlessly. The archaisms added a touch to the language, making it less communicative and phonetic, and more dream like, not something describing anything modern, that's for sure.

'Warm embraces surround and love is cast
Paint your warm strokes across the azure sky;
Feel the angels' song strengthening your mast,
Sovereignty's returned, and so to fly.'

Sonnets are difficult to write, I've attempted one before and failed haha. The rhyme here was great, and it has a good, strong flow, that reads with much cadence. I did feel however, that what you were trying to say was lost among the beauty of the words. To be honest, I don't quite understand the elements of this poem, but if you told me then I suppose I could read it more passively, instead of grasping for meaning amid a sea of long, and pleasing words.

Overall (by the way, I enjoyed the last two lines, just couldn't say anything about them that I hadn't said before, I'd be wasting your time :]) it was a great poem, but with a little less ambiguity it'd be perfect. I'm sorry I do not grasp the concept of the poem, I understand maybe that it is about something religious? A trinity? I'm not sure, but be rightfully proud of this piece.

The Descending. (14)
by forevertobeart

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-03

I think the form could be tidied up a bit, it doesn't appear as a good looking poem on it's own, but then again, words speak more.

'In a faraway and distant dream
Not long from yesterday
There was happiness
Warm, golden happiness
A happiness with a name'

I don't think you need the 'Warm, golden happiness', as the word is strong on it's own, you make it weaker with the repetition I feel. As a stanza though, it's a success opener since it readies the reader for the rest of the poem.

'And then there were fantasies
The desires unending
The mornings, bathed in silver beauty
A voice whispering in the ear
Everyday, every night'

You don't need to capitalise each line, it sounds daft but comtemporary poets don't as capitalisation reads as somebody who's still living in the past when they used to still do that.

'The mornings, bathed in silver beauty
A voice whispering in the ear'

These were two very strong lines, they just read well and had a nice cadence.

'Time remained frozen
Until the porcelain clouds left the sky azure
I was finally shown my shadow
A disgusting, worthless companion
A reflection of my future'

Porcelain clouds..hmm, I don't know whether I like that or don't. If you mean colour, then I suppose it works, it's quite ambigious. The last three lines of this stanza were perhaps the strongest, quite striking language was used.

'Perhaps it was too much of a fantasy
Too many wishes, I couldn't keep in one palm
I was pushed over the mountain
With those nail polished hands
Callous, yet fragile, in their own way
And down I went, and still descending'

This was the stanza that visually made the poem appear quite strange. It contained some nice imagery and wording though..

Try to avoid telling the reader, because if we can't relate as readers, we're not going to feel anything. For example, rather than saying 'I feel sad', show it with metaphor or something. I'm not saying this poem was bad, it's just for later reference :).

I don't think 'falling' is a good enough word to be sitting on it's own. But by all means use it in another stanza.

The last stanza was a good closer, and whilst I've appeared critical, I'm just telling you what any publisher would tell you. I'm not saying I have authority, just I think this piece has potential.

Well done, keep it up. :)

I'll admit, I adored the colour of her eyes. (4)
by Melpomene

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-02

I absolutely love dark poems, they're my favourite kind. Narrative poems are always tricky. The title was excellent and drew me in.
I admired the form you created. It's subtle, which makes it more dark, instead of spoonfeeding the reader. I could almost imagine a voice confessing this:

'My hands landed
upon silhouettes
of her disguise. '

It was phonetic, and it worked, and I think you made every right choice in order to write this. I liked the echo of the title. Excellent, I'm glad I read this. I have no further suggestions on how to improve.

Revelation (4)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-02

I adore your poetry, it's new, refreshing, dark and subtle. I keep forgetting to add you to my favourites, too often have I forgotten great writers that I love reading new material by.

Your use of rhetoric devices and references to society and beauty were fantastic. The alliteration you used also added a spitting, immediate tone.

I didn't see why it was in explicit, but I realised with the use of the word 'w**re'. It's a very strong word, and sometimes people use it to no effect other than just to swear but you used it to fit in with the deliberate and almost...angry tone that you've conistently stitched into this poem.

It's true to suggest that society is at a complete standstill, we occupy a dead world, with the same monotonous drones. Cliche could suggest the 'same old' of every day. The first line seemed to suggest you were comparing yourself to a butterfly, trapped in a jar, you feel you have a personality but the world around you doesn't...

'Butterflies, at least, have personalities.'

I liked the echo, and I think that justifies the point I'm trying to make, that I think, you were trying to make too.

I love how all your poems are possible to have different interpriations.

Excellent work once again.

P.S. I Love You. (5)
by Blissful

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-03-01

First off, congratulations on the win. Fully deserved and I was so happy to see something new from you.

'Eyes flowing with lust tempts a young soul
Clouded by wistful fairytale aspirations'

The idea of innocence is started here, the idea of 'flowing' gives me the impression of over-filled, like, an overabundance of lust that resides in the eyes alone. The naivety of the 'young soul', which was cleverly portrayed, I admired the deliberacy that wasn't spoon feeding at all. When we're young, we all dream of that 'happy ending', well mostly females but this was stated so well.

'She unknowingly dances with sin
In hope for love...'

I loved 'dances', as in the flirtation with a darker side. Lust, is arguably love's alter ego.

'
Thrills of desire a pristine sensation for her
Yet an everyday occurrence for him
Drowning in his thirsty craving
Just a slave to hunger...'

You evoke such sympathy for this character/persona and it really makes me care for her. So I'm engrossed into the poem a lot more. You could do with adding a hyphon between 'desire' and 'a', as it jolts the flow a little bit. The fact of how he's just using her for his sexual games is quite dark and saddening, and it was well portrayed.

'She'd tower any mountain simply for his smile
While his devious lips utter mere lies
To manipulate tender emotions
Twisting her hope...'

The first line could be considered a cliche, but don't change it, because sometimes cliches work, and it's one of the cases here. The contrast between what she'd do for him, and all he shows in return is his lies. From the mouth she'd climb a mountain to see smile. Very powerful. The use of elipsis at the end of each stanza is also quite striking as it adds an aura of hopelessness, or unfinished feelings. I can almost hear it being spoken.

'While endless love beats rhythmically in her heart
Shrewd lust flows freely through his veins
Scripting daydreams with dying faith
She flees to paradise...'

Wow. You're so consistent. It's the trait I admire about you most, you beat the reader to death with your consistency, I love it haha. 'Scripting daydreams' was awe inspiring, I wish I came up with it! I would have liked it if you described his character more though, as (maybe intentionally), the character or persona of the man is somewhat shadow like, and it's quite dark in a way. I've just realised through writing that, that it's actually better that way. Makes me feel sorry for the girl more. :)

'Solely another level achieved in his scheming game
His ploy to beckon on innocence for aching gain
Releasing her soul with a sheer whisper
"P.S I love you"'

Extremely powerful ending! I liked the echo of the title, makes it feel complete, but at the same time incomplete in terms of the characters. Which is good because it's quite an open ending in a way. 'Sheer whisper' confused me a bit but I just want to say that you topped yourself here. You won because you showed the sin of lust in the most subtley dark way possible. You made it evil, almost. Excellent. Keep it up, please. You're so talented!

Crash and Burn (8)
by Precious Illusions

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-27

Nice title...

'Racing down the highway
Passed a red light;
A heart hits another
In the middle of the night.'

I admire the flow here, very quick to read, very easy to read, there's no jumps, and you paint a vivid picture from the start. Punctuation is spot on.

'God starts to chuckle
As he looks at what he's done;
Two people together
Tried to make one.'

Nice addition. There's nothing I can critically comment on, as you've not tried to overdo anything. You've played it simple and easy, and whilst it's not desperately 'inspiring' or immediately original in terms of form and language, it's consistent and good work.

'But an accident was made
As the fire erupts;
A baby was born
By two hearts corrupt'

It's evident when a poet forces rhyme, and it's evident in that last line. I think, by just adding a comma after 'hearts', you can get away with it cause it works as a line, just be careful of sacrificing meaning for rhyme.

'Red lights start flashing
as they realize what�s been done;
This simple game of love
Is no longer any fun'

Second line jolts the flow a bit, try to rephrase it. I like where you're going with this though, you should be proud.

'She ran a red light
And collided into him;
Then love, itself, ended
As their hearts grew dim. '

The last line was disappointing, as it didn't make sense to me. Even as a metaphor. A last line has to do something to the reader. Make them question something, make them go 'oooh', but that line is quite baffling, so I think you'd benefit from revising that last line and choosing something that is more shocking, than trying to get that rhyme. Dim is a nice word, just not in this case.

With some minor changes, this poem will be expertly done. You should be proud though, I enjoyed it.

Beneath the Beautiful Sky of Today (12)
by Luanne

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-27

I have a few thoughts on this poem I'd like to share:
The use of the verb 'claps' really acts as great onomatopoeia, and there is a strong flow that is consistent throughout the poem. I think you may benefit from some commas in the first stanza though, because it's sometimes confusing without them.

The third stanza has some interesting imagery accompanied by a great couplet leading towards the ending:

'gaining strength with each passing step
to leave forgone memories behind'

We shouldn't let our past play part in our future, past is best buried...but it's sometimes hard to leave memories behind.

I like the idea of the narrator travelling along a beach of broken dreams and memories, we should bask in today's sunshine, not yesterday's rain.

Somebody take me Home (16)
by Lonely Rider

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-26

This has some very strong lines, the title being one of them, the last line was paticularly striking.

'Lonely walls along the street,
boulevard of quivering trees
Distorted hope quietly sleeps,
caressed by decepting breeze '

This stanza had incredible flow and rhyme, the assonance works to a tee. and the adverbs were placed correctly to your advantage, and the language was high frequency, but it didn't confuse or baffle me, so well done there.

'Smiles dissolved into horizon,
dreams framed upon a tear
Frosty glares, piercing sigh,
eyes cry incessant fear.'

One of your strongest traits as a poet, is your ability to create magnificent flow, yet still maintain the message and imagery. None of the rhyme here appeared forced and I loved the first line. 'Dissolved' is a fantastic word.

'Scourged by the nightmare
whom should I forgive?
Can Somebody take me home
the Home that once lived? '

I think you might benefit from putting a comma after the 'home' on the third line, as it jolts the flow a bit. But a magnificent ending. This poem was short, and sweet, and the ideas carried were executed fantastically, well done.

Your Stories, My Alibis (7)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-26

Your word choice was striking and original, almost a fortress of lexis! Haha. I found that the poem was successful in it's length, any longer and it would maybe, be incomprehendable. Words like dynamite is a strong simile, the fragility and sheer force of dynamite could be in relation to how the words of another can have an explosive impact upon others. Leading on to the 'static, blank faces', as if they're gobsmacked or something.

Is this about the aftermath of a relationship, the 'words' of another destroying the relationship with sheer brutality? The ending reinforced the idea of dynamite being unpredictable and extremely fragile. You kept that image in throughout the poem, well done.

The way you described everything here left me in awe, I love reading your poetry just to get something out of it. It's gotten to the stage when I don't care if I'm right, I'm just glad to pull something out of the beautiful words you use.

Brilliant, as always.

Nature's Touch (9)
by Zeenat

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-26

I loved the title Zee, it drew me in haha.

'Darkened frozen tears tumble down outside,
Stiffened like my heart hearing hidden cries.
Sharpened wind hits through my entire body,
Fogging up these eyes, blinded I can not see.'

I liked how the first lines were all (except the last) adverbs, and it drummed what you were saying into my head. I was confused at how tears tumble? Perhaps a softer verb could be used here, I'm not sure. You might need a hyphon or a comma after 'blind'. :)

'Weakened knees, fallen to the solid ground,
Dogs barking, wind singing; hearing sounds.
Cold air enjoys embracing, this numb heart,
Like winter leaves, time has come to depart.'

Excellent wording here, and the last line was truly fantastic, I love that idea of the leaves falling at winter, it's just a nice simile to throw in there, it really made the stanza. Brilliant.

I think the last stanza remains the strongest because of how it reminded me of the romantics in the 1800s, Wordsworth effect and all that. How nature can cure our feelings, can leave us in a state of utmost tranquillity.

Excellent write here, zeeeee

Lover's Lane (4)
by xLilMissFrostyx

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-26

Neat and lovely poem you've written here!

'Finally feeling content, no need to fear
Anger, sobs, all the past hurt disappeared
Strolling carelessly along wrapped arm in arm
Knowing you've fallen for each other's charm'

I think, with the abundance of poems with form and rhyme like this, the four line stanzas, the monosylabbic rhyme, 'together' and 'forever' are rhymed a hell of a lot, but I can put this aside because your expression here was spot on, and it was an interesting read.

I like the rhymes 'spoken' and 'emotion', subtle rhymes like this really work and don't appear forced on the page. It was my favourite stanza, and I'm cynical about love poetry, but I admired your work here.

I loved:

'Ironic how you never used to believe in fate
Until you realized you'd found your soul mate'

Haha, only because I know somebody like that - total skeptical, cynical guy, who rang me up and told me he'd found his 'soulmate', and his 'true lover', and it's meant to be and all that. Ah, I liked that.

The last line was powerful too, leaving the reader with an empty, pessimistic feeling.

I enjoyed this.

Well done :)

Carbon Soul (5)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-20

I love reading your work because it's refreshing to see forms and ideas that aren't overdone everyday. Every other poem I see is a sickly love poem, or is overwrought with cliche. I really like a challenge, and your writing challenges readers.

I really think you take ridiculously simple ideas and make them..more interesting. Your wording isn't clumsy.

'... a riddle... innocence's killed
under an avalanche of carnal light'

I got the idea of sexuality here, obviously with the wording, such as 'carnal' and 'innocence's killed'. Which paint to me, a vivid picture of virginity being lost, but I'm not sure.
When I read the whole poem again, it makes sense completely, the euthemisms you've used, the hormones 'chemical inbalance', blossiming, the idea of the 'flower', and that catharsis of joy during the act of sex. And 'decorates the sheets', implies it being lost and the cigarrete afterwards...

I hope I'm right, I really love trying to decipher your words. You're a great poet. And people need to learn to try and delve deep into the poems words, and see if they can fish out meaning. Even if it's not right.

Thank you for your time

Danny

(I'm nominating this because it really made me think)

Hypnotica (7)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-17

I love the word 'hypnotic', so I wanted to read this, I think it drew me in quite well. Upon first reading, it's like. 'Okay, so what just happened there?', I dont think enough poets give some poems a chance. Here's my interpritation.

'Alluring, the scorpion's tail-
insomnia's hidden purple scars'

I got from this, that the first line is nightmarish, the reference to poison could relate to some sort of ritualistic tone, but the following line suggests the purple from tired eyes, and the thoughts that occupy someones head pre-sleep?

'under the mask of rebellion.
Savagely, melting moon lacerates
lurid corpses of thorny stars.

A lot of complex adjectives here, bit of a mouthful but utterly beautiful. I loved 'thorny stars'. And going back to the meaning, I feel that this is just describing what this person sees out of their window before she sleeps?

Oh I loved 'icebound, pregnant sky'.

Also, the second stanza was filled with such an abundance of imagery that I'm now convinced that the poem is soully about somebody just finding solace looking out of a window at the night sky, how something so simple can have a million different things happening in it. I don't know if I'm right or wrong but if I am, it's soothing to read the poem because then I can bask in the beautiful imagery of it. I really loved this, although the last two words confused me :).

Excellent though. I will read more of your work.

Courage, Uncorked. (4)
by Novalyn Grace RR

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-17

Please may I marry your poetry? My expectations of you are always doubled by the result. You're fantastic.

'I am buoyancy bottled,
Folded and swallowed,
Carried atop the backs of lovers,
Bowed from the burden of distance,
And the miscarriage of lasting romance.'

What I got from this is that you're a happy girl who's bottled up by the world, you can't be yourself because of the weight on your shoulders stops you. You have the potential, but you cant escape your shackles? Your word choice here was flawless.
'Carried atop the backs of lovers'
You're the passenger among these happy couples, a third wheel, travelling alone to find solace in somebody. 'Miscarriage' is brilliant, such a shocking word to use here. Romance is beautiful but it dies before it has its chance to blossom. Oh my, that brought a tear to my eye. =/

'Hope fizzes within fine glass,
Tear stained, crass, and delicate,
Wrestling against the currents of wind,
That trudge their way across the spines,
Of those lost souls tickled by my absence.'

Glass relates back to the bottle imagery from before, I liked that. I racked my brains to try to figure out what you were saying in the last three lines there. What I got, was your journey forward, fighting against the winds. The last line added a tone of desolation and hopelessness that was quite striking.

You refuse to leave them alone? Oh my god, it's everything I try to say but never can, I'm bewildered. Is this to do with how...you refuse to bother their happy state, or you refuse to stop being a passenger on peoples daily business as..lovers? I've probably been wrong through the whole of this comment but, this is what I'm getting from it. :)

Although I find myself apologising because I simply cannoy comprehend the last half. I really want to =/. What I got was the idea of friendship..and the friendship of others allowing you to realise the potential in yourself. And as I read again and again, it makes sense to me that these friends are those who you are not leaving alone..

I'm so sorry about this comment haha, I hope you can explain this poem to me. The language is beautiful as always, and if this poem is dealing with personal things in your life, it'd be nice to share them if you're okay with that, it gives us a better insight into you as a person.

I'm going to read this again and again, because I feel as though I've failed. :(

Rose Cottage (Double Etheree) (6)
by Mr Darcy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-16

I've been waiting to comment this, sorry about the delay.

'Echoes of bravery roar with laughter
Dusk swathe this, a paralysed master.'

I love the flow here. Echoing bravery was interesting, cause I didn't quite get it at first, and I know how that echo can be used in many other contexts, it's an awesome metaphor, yet somewhat complex if you actually want to grasp the meaning behind it I think. Or maybe I'm looking too much into it. I thought dusk said 'ducks' when i first read it hehe, 'swathe' is a good choice of word. You refresh me with your linguistic inputs to poetry.

'Candles dance wearily
As lunar light grows,
Over Lakeside
Lullaby
Cottage
Rose'

The wording here was absolutely gorgeous, and I loved how the format allowed you to place Cottage and Rose right in the centre there. Adverb 'wearily', is it the right word to use? I really liked it if the imagery was more vibrant yet wearily makes it seem almost foreboding. Although adverbs aren't used commonly, and when they do, they need to be strong because some lazy writers rely on them, you however do not. I was just thinking if wearily was the right one.

'Where Princes' parade
In a palatial bliss'

Adored the alliteration here. 'Palatial' is another underused word. Bring it back! It's a lovely adjective.

I think you saved the best wording for last. I don't know how this has averaged a 4.3 but it's beyond me. I don't think there's many poets that can create such a fantastic image of 'stroking a sonnet', lovely soft consonants make it light to read. The last four lines stand out above the rest, which is a good thing and bad thing, it's good because it ends with a shout, not a whimper, but the whole poem does spend its time leading up to it.

Regardless, it's amazing, and I'm sorry I took so long to comment,

Forgotten (Constanza) (12)
by Lonely Rider

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-16

Oh I admire the form, it's' an interesting one I haven't seen often. You seem to have mastered it though.

'If by-chance destiny betray,
forking track,shoving us apart,
Unaware of imploring heart. '

'Forking track' is an excellent use of assonance, and the flow is introduced at a steady pace, punctuation is used accordingly so the reader doesn't rush through.

'Watching our dreams fleeting away,
would you effortlessly consent?
subsisting with augmenting vent.'

The second line is a bit of a mouthful, that adverb takes up a lot of room, I think. 'Augmenting vent' works very well. You have a sharp taste in words, and your linguistic skills are polished. It seems here
that the narrator has this complacent attitude despite the sadness brought. A good writer always lets the words and not the narrator's voice tell the story. Well done.

'
Will twilight appear shadowed gray?
Immersed in yesters memory,
xeroxed in psychic gallery.'

Fantastic, the language here was incredible, and I don't like gushing but oh wow. Each word had a striking sound, and it works so well.

The fourth stanza isn't the strongest, yet still kept my interest with some good adjectives and imagery. 'Chime' was nice.

'Auctioning love in luck's soiree,
if our promises, Fate decline,
Will our heart-strings remain entwined?'

Ends with a roar, a brilliantly crafted poem, and the messages behind the poem are hidden behind beautiful words that are hard to crack open but once cracked, the poem comes through.

A simple narrative but so strong in character and tone. Loved it.

Deserves a nomination.

Echoed Cradle Cries (Senyru) (4)
by Mr Darcy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-12

Man, you do these so well, I tried to do one yesterday, and it ended up as a 5 stanza poem instead. I just can't say as much in 17 syllables as you.

'Tears roll silently'

The contrast between roll, and silently creates an ambigious image in my head, of a still image, a small boy trying not to make a whimper or sound in case the abuser hears him. He's scared out of his mind. This is excellent, and saddening imagery.

'as slapped skin pulsates with pain '

Slapped skin, again, you make good use of sibilance, and that raw, horrid sound that a slap makes, instead of the dull thud that a punch makes. From the silence of the first line, comes the sharp onomatopoeia of 'slapped', that's quite shocking. 'Pulsates' also gives life to the event, the word choice is careful. I admire this.

'Silhouette strikes son'

Again, that sibilance strikes the reader, the same as the 'silhouette', which sounds better than shadow, it's more...ghastly than shadow, which has become quite cliche in itself. Like the son is not expecting it, and when he receives it, it's out of the blue. Almost too quick to see. It's a saddening and brutal piece, and you've penned it perfectly.

Web of Infatuation. (9)
by Blissful

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-11

This is a DANNYFIED comment :)

'Submerged in immaculate hazel eyes'

^ Love this, the use of 'submerged' gives that feel of infatuation, and it's a great opening line.The rest of that stanza speaks for itself. There's the narrator, or you, who's drowning in the liquid of his eyes and she doesn't want to be saved, she'd like to bask there forever. Really nice image.

'Paddling bolding upstream...releasing daydreams'

Haha, this reminded me of the first two lines and last two lines of my latest poem :P. Since I wrote something like it, I know what it means, and it's a nice image I think.

'Tangled in the splendor of your smile'

This person you're describing is really perfect isn't he? :] Haha, 'tangled' is another great word to use here, but there is a lot of adjectives in the second stanza, it'd be nice to perhaps balance them with a metaphor of some kind, but it's not essential, just a suggestion.

'Luring me in with a twist...difficult to resist'

This read marvellously. Well done.

'Tempted to disappear in those arms
As each vile worry escapes my spirit'

Really sort of slow moving poem this is, we get a chance to feel every word before we move on. Words such as 'spirit', and 'dissappear', with those soft consonant sounds make it quite a sleepy, drifty sort of poem. I like it.

The conclusion was good as it tied the title to the poem and the moderate rhyme there helped to finish it off.

What can I say? Another great write from you.

The greatest gift (4)
by Ingrid de K

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-11

This poem won because of it's beautiful imagery combined with simple phrases and syntax.

'With arms outstretched he came to greet me,
hands trembling, cheeks all flushed'

Fantastic start, the lovely imagery of a man with arms wide open to accept the love. The hands trembling was a very human description, you didn't beat around the bush which was great.

'To the greatness of the gift in his hands,
he himself was blind'

I liked the ambigiousness of the gift, and it related to the title pretty early on, so you're not wasting time getting to the point. It's something, you as a poet do perfectly is bring emotion and imagery forward in little amount of words. Usually I find 'gold' tacky, but in this case it really added to the feel of the poem, gold is a virtuous and colour of wealth and I just think it was nice that it was juxtaposed next to the blindness, as sight is a valuable trait for all of us.

I liked the inclusion of speech, it made the poem a bit more interesting than it already was, which was great.

'Taking his face within my hands
with infinite tenderness,
my thumbs caressing his rosy cheeks
I looked him deep into his loving eyes'

I loved this stanza, so poetic and heartwarming, the type of kiss that is the most romantic. The face in hands. And the mentioning of the eyes again was effective. Blind eyes can still be loving.

'Planting butterfly kisses upon his sultry lips'

I loved that. It's really effective and beautiful. Sultry is a really underused word and when used right, it's a great one. Well done for that. The romance and love is shown here through simple and effective word choice once again, and you have been able to create another masterpiece. :]

Well done, I really enjoyed it.

A Lack of Comfort (5)
by Novalyn Grace RR

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-11

Novalynnnn :], this poem really hit me when I read it. I could relate more than any other poem I've ever read, and you penned everything better than I ever could.

'The night envelopes my senses with its cold rain'

The amount of times I've sat indoors and watched the rain paw at the window, and the night's sombre and morose blackness encapsulates me and I get that sinking feeling when I don't want to be alone. That's just what I felt like when I read the first stanza, you've used striking imagery and poetic language to create that in my head. I can't think of anyone who could have done it better.

'In their syncopated jolts of electricity, I recognize I am alone.'

It's like you didn't stop all the way through the poem. It's not like you spoon fed the reader either, I mean 'syncopated', is marvellous.

'All around me someone is loved, and loving someone else,'

I don't know why, maybe it was because the language was so simple and strict here that it just struck me. I used to always feel like that, like, I was the only person in the world, everybody had somebody and I had nobody. This whole poem just paints scenes from my life when I've sat at the computer just mindlessly writing to get my mind off it. The 'armchair' complacency, as you've so put it.

'From the decay of failed companionship and wasted time.'

I've felt like all my past girlfriends have been just my own wasted time, and I pretend to everybody that I don't care, I don't want a relationship but there's that time of night when I just feel like I do. It's horrible because it just hits me. I've come to realise that this isn't even a poem comment, but a long ramble as to what it says to me.

I'm not gonna pick out anymore lines because the rest speaks for itself. You won the competition because your language was extraordinary, the word choice was flawless, and it struck me like no poem ever has. I'm not just saying that either. I'm probably one of the most honest people you'll find here.

Congratulations on the win, and this poem is going in my favourites. God, you genius :)

Please keep writing.

-Danny

Clouded Quartz (5)
by Mr Darcy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-11

Okay mate, let's see what I can pull out of this monster poem here! First of all, may I just add that the way in which the poem is formatted is somewhat difficult to read, as there are spaces between lines, it's hard to read chunks at a time but I shall do my very best. :]

I find upon first read that this narrator, this character is played so well by yourself, it's a modest form of acting my friend and you played the part better than any other could. I'll find it difficult dissecting this because I feel as if I start cutting it apart, the piece will die, and I'll have to demonstrate is lines like lumps of bleeding flesh. But anyway. I loved the pacing of the piece, it's quick, it's long but it kept me interested. The repetition is done very well. Repetition is hard to pull off, very hard to do without sounding like you're just filling space with unnecessary words. I did find however, that sometimes the repetition is less successful.

I think

'And a lot of money, damn!
Damn..
Damn.'

Doesn't need repeating, and nor does.

'No, you're pathetic and weak..
Weak
Weak.'

Instead here, you could perhaps say 'Pathetic and weak' twice more instead of just weak? But these are the ONLY cases in which the repetition is not needed. There is some fantastic uses of it there. So good, you were creating a voice in my head, not mine, or yours. So well done for that.

The note was brilliant! I'm not going to paste it into the comment because you know what I mean; it was like a little poem in a bigger piece. It stood out in the way it wasn't double spaced. I see why you've done it now, I'm sorry, I didn't see before. 'I hope you choke'. You can feel the anger through the words, this gives me shivers! Then there's:

'..is Laughing am me..
Mocking me!'
^ ^
I'm sure this should be 'at me' :P

'You smiled then, we both did..
We were happy back then..
Weren't we?'

I like the use of the question. He's questioning himself! Very good!

My favourite bit is:

'Bloody cow..
Cheating wh**e!
Tick, tick, tick,
I open the door..
and..
there she is looking like an angel..
So damn beautiful..
My breath catches in my chest..'

You're such a freakin genius, haha, Oh how the contrasts between the anger and the change of heart when he opens the door and he sees her...it's just awe-inspiring. We forget the faces of people, and we grow to hate them, but beauty makes fools of us all in the end, and this character is so very human, so very real, so this bit was very strong. The poem takes me on a rollercoaster through an unbalanced mind, and, wow, I'd pay to ride it again.

Like I said, I cant pick out bit by bit, it is a commitment to read but one, in the end, I feel I am going to read, again, and again. You astound me. You really do. You have fun with what you do, and it�s noticeable in your work. If it was upto me to pick poem of the week, it'd be this one by far. Well done.

That Dangerous Feeling Called Love. (4)
by Mister 47

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-10

Here goes :]

'It seem that everyone these days is going sad
Some are stressed and some are feeling bad
Most of them blame the angels and the heaven above
They blame GOD for that dangerous feeling called love'

First of all, I liked the simplicity here, it works, it sounds almost phonetic. 'Going sad', however, doesn't make sense, as the verb, subject agreement is absent. But that is the only I think I can pick up on critically. Also, why is God capitalised?

'You know, you can always close your eyes on me
So you don't see things you don't want to see
But you cannot close your heart for those things you feel
So you search to blame GOD, maybe your scars will heal'

This was sweet, except how does one 'search to blame'? I liked the third line, really really nice. It made me feel quite warm inside haha :].

'Yes, a tear drop is nothing in a sea filled with endless rain
But as it drop, it can touch your soul and cleans the pain'

I think it should be 'cleanses' the pain, because you can't clean it xD.

'Life teached me that nothing will hurt more than goodbyes
And the saying that feelings can be replaced by words is all lies'

Life 'taught', not teached dude, but I like your flow and structure here man, it's quite like an inspirational poetic quote.

The last line of the poem is so true, and I think we all can relate.

Well done

He Lived For Your Sins (Senryu) (3)
by Mr Darcy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-09

Excellent sibilance here, really helps with the hissing sound that this poem possesses. The word choice (I can tell) has been chosen very carefullly. We have 'splattered', a word with disgusting connotations, contrasting with 'sings', a word with much opposite connotations, which makes for an intriguing line. 'Skewered' is a very powerful verb, it's reminded me of kebabs first but then I reminded myself of the dark, violent atmosphere and the image I got was less pleasant. 'Screams', is a good choice, again conspiring with the other words to make for a very successful and dark senryu.

Well done again from me!

Perfect in Weakness. (7)
by Blissful

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-08

'Her cry is like a melody
Sung softly to the skies
Searching for an answer
Unable to find in herself
Pleading for her worries
To be gently kissed away'

This seems different for you, you've taken up a new style. You've got rid of the high frequency lexis, and incorporated a very tight rhythm, and the last line was very powerful. The word 'kissed' is so good for this as it's such a soft and lovely verb.

'Her frown is abstract art
Waiting for a brave soul
To level the rough edges
With undying compassion
And smooth the wrinkles
With hope for tomorrow'

This poem is appealing as you've successfully made it visually attractive by having each line almost identical in length and syllable count. 'Smooth the wrinkles' was lovely, I really enjoyed this stanza, it's hard to pick out lines as each stanza works on it's own, and together as a piece, it stands tall. Again you're using beautiful imagery and wording to emote the piece.

'Her heart is like a maze
With shattered promises
Crowding each crevice
And devious lies linger
While bleeding venom
Poisoning innocence'

Maybe the last line should be 'poisoned innocence', because it's a past tense, but again, this stanza continues it's consitency evoking emotion and empathy for the narrator. Unless you're writing about yourself in third person, then you're definitely evoking it.

'
She's broken no doubt
Yet shines like no other
Whisper sweet nothings
Gaze as she beams joy
With a smile so genuine
Scripted with splendor '

You have a habit of making your last lines stand out below the others, it's a really good, or maybe accidental technique you've acquired, whatever it is, keep it up! It's awesome!

The last two lines work very well as an effective closer to another beautifully written poem. I applaud this. Very good indeed.

True Love (36)
by Hollymariee

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-08

'Please love , dry your eyes ..
There's no reason for you to cry .
You loved him lots ; I know it hurts ,
But all these tears he's just not worth .'

Good flow, but beware of the structure as it's a bit misplaced punctuation-wise, and put a comma after 'tears'.

'He made his choice , now let him go .
Let him have that ugly h0e .
It won't be long , he'll be on his knees ..
But walk away , and ignore his pleas . '

I don't like the second line, it sounds a bit immature, if you could change it, this second stanza would be a bit better overall. The tone is good though.

'The day will come ; Your heart won't ache .
No more nights will you lie awake .
The tears will stop , as the memories cease ;
His name won't hurt , and the pain will ease'

This is perhaps the best stanza, as it flows great and the rhymes don't sound forced.

'But until the day that all this ends ,
Remember that you've got your friends .
Just take our hand , and we'll help you heal ;
Showing you how true love feels . '

This stanza is a good ending, as it's quite heartwarming, and fits with the title.

With some editing, this piece could be better but I like the tone, and I like the poem in general.

Here is Goodbye. (6)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-08

Temps, I don't know how you create such catchy titles. They always draw me in!

'Romantic music fades into a sorrowful dark night,
those arms used to hold me so close, so tight...
yet tonight nothing feels the same, your embrace
is weak, I'm finding myself shivering in your frigid
compassion, instead of comfortable and warm.'

You set the scene well here, introducing a dark atmosphere, almost romantically dark. The use of enjambment was particularly strong, really jaars the piece, and it's emotionally hooking, since most of us have felt without the touch of another, one we used to have, and now feels like a distant memory, fading away.

'Words become unspoken, no love is exchanged,
my heart can be heard crumbling with every silent
minute passed, lips trembling as thunder rolls,
rain pours down these cheeks, pain strikes me
like a lightning bolt, leaving me in a comatose state.'

I loved the relation to rain and tears, it's been done before, but it's not cliche and it really fits the mood. The last line is very strong, leaving the reader feeling the pain the narrator is feeling.

'Eternally, we both know these symptoms well,
they scream a oppressive goodbye that had been
roaring down the road for as long as we can remember.
Melancholy shocks my soul, killing everything,
leaving me hallow, without a single sprinkle of hope. '

The last line was so heart wrenching, the word 'sprinkle', sounds so childlike, but not in a bad way, it really really works. 'Melancholy shocks my soul' doesn't seem to work though, I think either 'isolation' or something else would work better. It just jolts the flow a a bit I think.

Overall though, this is another example of how good you are at creating very saddening poetry, and your word choice is getting better and better.

Never Let This Go. (7)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-05

Oooh, I like the form. It's like the form I did, with that repetition too. It's visually pleasing :]

''Memories so vivid from an unforgettable past,
every word carefully spoken with tender affection,
made us dance eternally, melting like ice cubes.
I'll never let the memories fade. '

The simile of melting like ice cubes was saddening, because once they melt, they cant be frozen again, never to their original stature. I loved that. Really drove that helplessness feeling into the reader.

'Your hands like silk that laid upon my glowing skin,
delicate lips that kissed me from time and time again,
left imprints so that your presence was remembered. '

I like the idea of the presence left upon your skin, but I dont think it needs to be stated like that. I mean, just having it without 'so you would be remembered' would be nicer. Maybe rephrase the last line. It's kinda states the obvious a bit. The word choice was beautiful though. Really really nice.

'A special love that bloomed so beautifully like a flower,
injected scarlet roses into our souls as a reminder;
each symbolizing every "i love you" expressed. '

That repetition really gets me everytime, it just drums that optimism into the reader, even though the poem itself is still sad. I don't think you need 'like a flower', but the following line is probably the best line in the poem, its perfect. It made me feel really warm inside reading it haha. Bloody brilliant.

'How you held my face as if it were fragile with your fingertips,
leaning in for the magical touch in which left me in heaven,
making my heart skip a beat as you gave me warmth. '

Again, your word choice and syntax here was fantastic, really polished, and the last line there is really lovely, just reinstating the love you feel or want to keep feeling.

'Your name is stitched within along with these memories,
they'll remain with me for the rest of my life, forever,
as I'll continuously look back at the moments shared.'

'Stitched' is such a brilliant word to use, like the feelings are sewn into you, and cannot be torn loose. And it's a fantastic conclusion, you keep the tone throughout and with some minor changes, it'll be perfect.
I loved how you changed the last line too, although 'I'll never let go' might work better. I don't know, it's just what I'd do. But brilliant work, again, outstanding.

5

Do You Really Know Lonely? (25)
by Cindy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-04

Oh my, this was an extremely striking poem. It takes the idea of loneliness and takes it up a notch with some simple language, excellent flow and brilliant word choice.

I loved the helplessness of the wording, you feel as though even your closest loved ones are abandoning you. 'So starved for conversation', is such a heartfelt sentiment. I feel most can relate because we've all felt like this, the bit with the cat nearly made tears come to my eyes. The idea of having to tempt the cat with play to spend time with you is a heartbreaking image. It all sounded so phonetic too, like the words on the screen have just been transferred from your free thoughts. It's effective in how it does this. Stopping the light coming through the windows, denying there's a better way is another hearwrenching image, it's difficult to rate this poem because it's just so..moving. I wouldn't give it justice by voting it even a 5 I don't think. It must have been hard for you to write this, granted all these feelings are your raw honest feelings. I applaud you for this.

I Caught Myself (1)
by xLilMissFrostyx

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-04

Was this poem meant to have no punctuation? If it's for the purpose of adding ambiguity, then make it clearer perhaps? It's just that poems without commas are hard to read cause we naturally read fast when there's no commas there.

'After everything that he did to me, thought I'd never recover
Feeling the world had ended, for I could only ever love him
Someone who made me euphoric had left me to suffer
That's how I felt until that day when you walked in'

I liked the use of assonance here, none specific rhyme works well, it makes for a better flow, and it doesn't feel forced. Perhaps add a comma after 'felt', as this will make the meter feel more sharp.

'Noticing that slowly this broken heart was mending
Without warning you were taking piece by piece
Slowly putting all those shards together again
All that hurt and pain, you became it's release'

The second line was the strongest, although I was confused by the last line. Did you mean that the person released your pain as in made you feel the pain, or he released it as in he cleansed the pain?

'I'd sworn to myself never to love again
Adamant that I was going to lock my heart away
I'd finally tired of empty days and sleepless nights
Didn't want to be that heart broken cliche'

This stanza was strong and heartfelt and it felt honest and raw, which is what you want a poem like this to feel like, so it was successful in that. Again though, the last line could be reworded. I guess that you're saying that you didn't want to be 'just another' heartbroken girl? If so, you could reword it because I thought the word cliche only related to words, ideas and expressions. Unless I'm reading into this wrong, then I apologise.

The fourth and fifth stanzas are the most strongest in how they deal with the narrators feelings, and the somewhat happier ending dosen't undermine the preceedings, so well done for that. A very good write, with some tweaks it could be a greater poem.

Icicles Formed by Tears. (6)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-03

This is so saddening, I loved the title. Really gives the reader an idea of what's to come. I got an image of an alone girl standing in a forest with icy tears trickling down her cheeks. The descriptions were very vivid.
I think that 'forlorn heart' may work better, or if not add the comma between heart and forlorn. I also think the last line could do with being reworded, the flow before it is amazing but the last line could be rephrased.
The word 'suddenly' jolts the pace a bit.

It was an excellent read, chilling and morose. I loved it. 5/5

Infatuation (9)
by Mr Darcy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-03

When you won my contest, I commented three other of your poems because this one wasn't up yet. But it was clear why it won, because of the sheer originality and imagery that seeped from this poem. This should be worthy to win the weekly contest because it's intriguing and a different read compared with a lot of the samey poems that often get nominated. I'm sorry that I don't have the time to fully comment on my inner thoughts but you need to know that if you keep writing like this, revising them, rewriting, you'll be a poetic legend in absolutely no time.
I haven't seen a line like this

'It was like we were conjoined, always fated to be as one and for the briefest of moments our lips touched and world and I shuddered. '

In a while that's moved me so much. People are put off by the prose like look of this, but if everyone gives it a chance then they're in for a treat. I absolutely loved it.

Shadows like Statues (10)
by NyellMoonlight

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-02

'Nocturnal captivation turns to stone,
sleepwalking,
shadows, like demons, chain the heart;
a martyr to my eyes,
restlessly you fear
ammunition of the words which my tears
just cannot repaint with vermilion sensations.'

^
Thank God I read this, it's refreshing to see such word choice over the hackneyed overuses of some metaphors and imagery that I've found on some poems lately. I loved 'Nocturnal captivation', really setting a dark tone, just from the first two words - I don't know if I'm right but this is about somebody who's words cut you, and the connection with blood and the colour of vermilion is quite strong. Excellent connection there.

The last line of the second stanza is staggeringly sharp, really shows your bitter anger in such a cohesive manner. I also liked the idea of the afterthought, in which the poem turns into your personal thoughts, unpoetic, in which the reader feels the remorse and sorrow that comes from you. The use of 'I swear', is very strong and relates to my previous point.

I like how deathly dark the stanza following it is, as it goes along, the imagery becomes so much more sharper and dark - it truly captures the feeling of the poem.

'giving birth to constellations of blank pages'

^
Does this mean that the 'blank pages', can represent blank feelings, or relate to your writing, to do with how much you write you can't rid these feelings from yourself? 'Constellations' works well because we of course get mental images of starlight, a flicker of light into the darkness of the poem.

The last stanza was just fantastic, really bitter, honest afterthought that just took my breath away. Simplicity contrasts so well with the dark imagery in the proceedings.

Lovely work, really good! I'm glad I read it.

Forget the Risk and Take the Fall. (6)
by Blissful

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-01

Your poems make my heart ache, whoever gets all your love is the most lucky soul in the world because you bestow so much beauty into your work, it's fascinating.

Metaphorically, this poem is second to none, each stanza creating different metaphors relating to nature and life, and juxtaposing the ideas of nature and love together to form this beautiful piece.
The last line becomes ever more important as the poem moves on, quickly, and I adored the comparison to you as an autumn leaf, remaining in shelter until that one day when you fall, risk it all in hope that something will catch you. The last lines make this blunt to those who didnt get the message from the earlier reading.
Like snowflakes indeed from a gaping sky, dainty, beautiful and descending down towards the ground before they melt, but before this their purpose is to enchant the hearts of many from the gorgeous landscapes they create. This is a very vibrant poem, taking into account the links that people can make between love and most other things in life.

This line stood out to me:

'Lastly unbolting the rusted lock on my heart'

Because the language changes from soft imagery to clunky words which shock the reader adding another fascinating twist. I love it, and I got so much out of reading this, I'm glad I did..

The Burning Wood (Haiku) (7)
by Mr Darcy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-01

Haikus are hard to do because quite simply you have to sum up something in no more than 15 words? It's difficult, and you've become a master of them.

'Through sparse canopy'
This is a great first line, eye catching and sparse is a great word to use, it's not often used actually, and it should be. And the rhythm of one one three adds great stress on the two first monosylabbic words.

'beams evaporate the smog'
Smog is such an evil word haha, and I like how you've juxtaposed it with 'beams', a word with more positive connotations, and I second what azzza said, how you've captured the essence of nature in few words. This middle line is my favourite.

'silent steam smoulders.'

Great sibilance! I admire that, right at the last line, lovely soft sounds, very echoed sounds too. Some people are lazy with haikus, you however are not. Amazing work.

Tangled in your lies (7)
by Mr Darcy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-01

I love how in this poem you're angry, but it isn't bluntly obvious, as in you don't for once say 'I am angry', but such use of negative lexis and fantastic word choice is all we need as a reader to understand the anger portrayed.

'Brackish nectar' was fantastic, such phrases are awe inspiring lol!

I love how it quickens up in the third stanza, we really get the anger showing through with that couplet, you made great use of rhyme, something I've become more cynical about - it did not once seem flawed or hackneyed in any way.

I'm actually gonna add this to my favourites - not to appear gushing, just this has such powerful lines!

'Cyanide sprayed from your tower
Sickly sour your saccharine shower'

Again, that use of sibilance, it's not soft though like in your haiku, it's spitting, and furious, I love it. Great work Darcy, really great.

2008 (Acrostic) (9)
by Mr Darcy

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-01

My apologies that this comment is not as detailed as the others, but I find myself having more to say about shorter pieces, I don't know why! But how original! The acrostic works great with the theme of the year, everything the year stood for is made so much more clearer by using such a form.

My favourite lines are:

'Scarred emotions running deep with no hope of escape.
A lifetime of choking on swallowed words of rape '

Oh how brilliant that you rhymed rape and escape..two ridiculously opposite words, and how it's so striking! You, again make good use of alliteration, 'Bullying bastards', excellent - and

'Inspecting in micro detail the reasons to bloody shout '

It's so bitter! I love it, I hope that this year brings more happiness Darcy, but I'd like to see more angry poems from you! LOL you're brilliant at it!

Probity's Prize. (1)
by Novalyn Grace RR

commented by Valedico ( F P C D ) at 2009-02-01

Why don't we get lots of comments like the rest hey? xD
I don't know why this hasn't even been commented on, God it blew me away! It was fantastic...
The first stanza was so so striking and bitter, it was brilliant!


'To dissect the truth behind a wholesome tongue,
Is to prolong an epiphany --- savory and strong.'

I loved the imagery in the first line, it reminded me of an operation and the sickening procedure of dissection, bringing back memories of science class :P
I liked how the rhyme wasnt forced either, assonance works better in so many ways sometimes. 'prolong an epiphany', I don't even know how you came up with that, it's marvellous haha, I get this severe feeling of something being squandered here, love it. I also liked how you repeated this stanza at the end - it makes for a powerful finish, because repetition can be so good when used correctly!
We all know how truth is the most important factor to our existence and this poem allows us to realise this.

I don't know if it was your intention but

'Nestled among dreams and old desires lost,
Compassionately it fights --- to win at all cost'

i get an intense feeling of hopelessness here, whilst it remains an optimistic sentiment, the last phrase, I got the image of honesty's war against indecency and lie and how lies thrive and honesty is becoming a lost virtue. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. Why this came second is because it opened my eyes, this comment is really just showing you my first impression of it. And any poem that opens my eyes without blunty reaching out and opening them haha, is a successful one, well done. I'm nominating this because people should read it.

Consuming Darkness (19)
by Hardly Matters Now

commented by Youre Too Serious ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-26

Darkness falls is an appropriate and catchy title. Keep it. Don't take any of my critical comments the wrong way, I see potential in this poem, and my strong point is dark poetry so I'll go through stanza by stanza.

'Darkness falls upon my eyes, attacking my vision
While I gaze through a diminutive and vaporous window
Driving through these abandoned and forlorn streets
Further into the seduction of this suffocating darkness'

This, in my opinion is an excellent start, it's straight to the point and but the adjectives used are difficult to help the reader envision what you're seeing here, but I like the use of 'diminutive'. You used darkness as the first and last word in this stanza, is it intentional? If not, replace the last 'darkness' with something else, as it'll loose its effect.

'Trees dancing to the rhythm of the howling wind
Struggle to sense what takes refuge within the dark
Behind the deceptive shadows of the colossal trees
Beneath the vengeful moon that refuses to shine tonight'

What would be more haunting if you changed that last line to suggest something was consuming the moon, as you've made clear the darkness is to be feared or wary of, yet the moon is vengeful? The continuity doesn't make sense that the light would be vengeful, it'd be great if you said the moon was hidden by 'vengeful clouds' but not those precise words. See what I mean? I loved the first line though.

'As if all the sinister creatures of a mysterious world
Collaborate to betray our credulous human eyes
And for a short moment I wasn't deceived by mendacity
But the darkness promptly blinded me of my vision'

Excellent word choice here, its an effective ending, but maybe another stanza to get some more dark imagery in there, really force it in, because you obviously have a good grasp of the english language. Mendacity is a great word to use here, and there's tonnes of potential here, just pad it out a bit more. Throw some more imagery in there and tweak the sentences a bit.
Good work.

Don't Pursue; It Will Find You. (16)
by Blissful

commented by Youre Too Serious ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-21

This poem is almost hypnotising in how it's almost like a doctrine. Everybody knows you're the guru of love poems, but seriously though, it's a breath of fresh air amongst the monotonous and dull 4 line forms and stanzas with rhyming couplets and cliched messages, but you chose a different route to that and created a masterpiece with a message that's buried like a gem in the midst of sparkling words. Your word choice was phenomenal. The title is gripping and I'm insanely jealous I can't think of titles better than this! You've topped yourself, you really have. I'm really proud of you. Beautiful stuff!

Color me Happy. (28)
by Blissful

commented by Youre Too Serious ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-12

Don't think that this is a bad poem, it's got what..two four stars? Lovely, four out of five is good in most books, 8 out of 10 etc. We know you can craft beautifully flowing lines of seemingly endless poetic imagery and vocabulary, it takes my breath away a lot of the time, it's heartfelt, you can feel it, but it's when you have to realise that not everyone might understand, you understand your own poetry because you wrote it, rightful to be proud of this peice. It's hard to sculpt sentences with extensive vocabulary and make it make sense, personally I thought this did make sense, but a true poet can also tame the vocabulary they use. Conversational poems are great because people can really understand them, sure people are repeating that whole ' You are my life then you cut me with a knife' but that stuff gets all the good votes cause people can 'relate' to it. darling you're a wonderful poet, and you know you are, we know you are, just to get a wider reading audience, tame those long words :]

She Awaits Her Soulmate. (12)
by Courageous Dreamer

commented by Danny Keightley ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-27

"Sitting in the corner curled up tightly; alone.
Tears immediately stream down her cheeks-"

This is a great opening couplet, it's straight to the point and the loneliness this character inherently feels is bluntly revealed to the reader with careful use of emotive language.

"Awaiting her soul mate, the man of her dreams;
to sweep her off her feet, to wipe away those tears."

So deveivingly simple language is key to the success of this poem, simplicity is often looked down upon, I envy people who can write catchy and simple poetry as I can not. You seem to have a gift of being able to.

"All she's discovered thus far is a heart breaker-
which can easily explain why she is fearful to love."

At the beginning, we didn't know why this young girl was in tears, but its revealed again, quite bluntly and stands out as we now see why she is afraid. I imagine you telling this, as she sits there in the corner, and we're watching over her and you're telling me why she feels this way, excellent.

"For her heart was broken once, a second time would-
result in possible death; a destroyed heart can't risk it."

Again, it's so blunt, it's brilliant!

"Why doesn't anyone see through those stunning blue eyes-
that show so much fear, yet hold hope to love once again.
Why can't one soul capture her heart, hug her, kiss her-"

I admire your sympathy for the girl, almost like you relate to her, how the world mistreats this girl is saddening and quite common, it's why this poem is so moving.

"love her unconditionally for eternity? What's so difficult about that?"

I love the use of rhetorical questions here, makes the reader think, it's clever.

"So she continues to sit curled up in that corner; alone.
Awaiting her long lost soul mate that has yet to find her."

The final lines are so powerful, the lack of rhyme adds to the effect, cleverly disjointed and blunt.

Well done! You've captured the essence of a lonely girl waiting to be found, your descriptions and writing technique were very well put together here, an easy 5/5 :]

Any Hope in Vacant I Miss Yous? (4)
by Blissful

commented by Danny Keightley ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-27

I've said this a bunch of times, I'll say it again, you never cease to amaze me. Your complex blend of imagery and sadenning themes constructed into the frameworks of your poetry. This one is no different. The repetition of 'I miss you' pounds those three words into your mind and leaves an empty feeling inside you when you're reading it. You make it so easy to relate to.

"My shattered heart screams for your affection"

probably the most powerful line in the first stanza, blew me away, the verb 'screams' just really adds effect to it.
It's difficult to even pick out individual segments, because each line just effectively works with the next, like a solid structure that you can't seperate.
I don't often find non-rhyming poetry this striking but the language itself is so poetic and easy to relate to.
I picture this girl lying in her room, day dreaming of past days spent with this boy/man she misses, gazing out into the night and longing for him to be holding her tightly.
Ahh such an effective image
You're fantastic.
10/5 xD

A Civilian's Pledge (8)
by Natalie

commented by Danny Keightley ( F P C D ) at 2008-08-27

Such a brave poem to write, and an epic one at that. I admire your courage to write about such a touchy subject, truly in great form.

"Inhaling the smoke of your charcoaled dreams,
Detesting fate for not bestowing you with bliss,
Forgetting you ignored your inner child's screams,
By consenting to inhabit this sin infested abyss"

This stanza seems to be the one that sort of sums up what you're trying to get at here, Natalie, I truly admire this poem and the form, and the splendid word choice. It's a poem, a plea, and a call out to the civilians all in one, such a uniquely phrased and formed poem. I could not have put it any better, or even half as much, this poem deserves such credibility for being a stand out poem.

I admire your courage, I admire this peice, I admire the form, the word choice, and I admire you for writing a poem like this. Someone had to, and that someone is you.

Excellent.

She's Got a First Class Ticket to a Night Alone. (16)
by Blissful

commented by Danny Fernandez ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-22

Wow! You've wrote a new one! Somehow I suspected it to be beautiful, and I was right!

"Clasping tightly to a beaten down, prosaic polar bear
Recalling the loving day when its warmth comforted
Its fur showing signs of late night tears cried silently"

These three lines are amazing, and yet so subtle, I love how you phrase it, and the alliteration works on 'prosaic polar'.
It's almost narrative-like, as if you're surveying this poor character and watching as she cries.
There are so many poems that deal with this subject, but this one stands out because you haven't been cliche, or used clumsy metaphor, it all flows beautifully.

Again

"As her treasured secrets remain whispered to a star
Searching for the boy to find pieces of lonely heart
Effortlessly sew them together with his devotion"

So moving and saddening, yet with a faint glimmer of hope that she'll find this boy.
I love how you've used the title in the ending, it's always so effective to do that.
This is excellent, I really enjoyed reading it. You're amazing.
5/5

Lost Dreams Don't Shatter; They Bleed Hope. (26)
by Blissful

commented by DannyLaSombra ( F P C D ) at 2008-07-10

The title is perfect and intriguing :) your language used is appropriate and beautiful. I liked the idea that our dreams give us hope, sometimes false, sometimes not, and 'bleed' gives the poem a much desired dark atmosphere.

"Lost dreams don't shatter dear, they bleed hope"
Oh boy does it bleed, trickling with enigmatic tears"

These are my favourite lines, as I feel they sum up the poems tone and message. The whole poem...es hermoso. :)

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