Praised comments by Everlasting

Cobweb Free (7)
by Hannah Lizette

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-05-14

Can I say that is the type of poems that I like reading?

I mean I love when I read a poem that focuses in the same metaphor and well, the black widow killed her husband... That's what I got from this poem.

I mean it could have just been the spider trapped on the cobweb and her poisoning someone but based on the first stanza I think the husband caught her on a cobweb and made her bitter and resentful until she finally poison him to gain her freedom but in the end she became a black widow. ( so perhaps I see some symbolism in the "black widow.")

5/5

Sparkling Hope (8)
by Hannah Lizette

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-05-11

The moon's tears
trickle along the rim
of her empty
champagne glass,

^ nice personification, I also like the "vividness" that I get from this.

I enjoyed the poem but to be honest the middle section at least to me - feels like it needs something else to tie it up hmm, or may be not tied it up but when I read it the word broadcasting felt awkward and also the part about alien territories or may be it needs a comma after melancholy?


"broadcasting melancholy
lullabies betwixt alien
territories -"

I am not sure but something sounds odd in that middle section perhaps I am not reading it correctly. Am I supposed to take the word broadcasting as verb or as a noun?

I mean I am taking it as verb... but that's where my confusion arises.

So the lullabies are broadcasting melancholy between alien territories... or the moon is broadcasting melancholy? and there are some lullabies between alien territories.

but I feel like you are saying:

broadcasting melancholy,
lullabies betwixt alien
territories -

^^ that the lullabies are broadcasting the melancholy, I don't know how to explain myself :/


Overall, the scenario that I got was that there was someone sad, looking at the empty glass. Perhaps waiting for a date? and the date didn't show up, but the moon hopes the date will still continue as it looks at the champagne.... And the middle section, prompts me to think that perhaps the moon was listening to the radio lol. I can run my imagination.

Aside from my confusion, I like the poem.

Halcyon (Acrostic) (4)
by Hannah Lizette

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-05-03

Halcyon, I like that word.

I think in this acrostic halcyon is use as an adjective to denote a period of time in the past that once was happy and peaceful.

My interpretation is that there is a couple who were/are in love, at night, they went to bed to sleep then woke up to find each other together, and the sun peeking at their window but not entirely. It was morning and they were still sleep but since it was morning, the sun arrived --- like the type of love that warms the soul and makes it drunk arrived. So my thoughts are that this couple could only be together on summers. I can't put my ideas together.

But I did got a peaceful and happy image.

Discernability (20)
by Britt

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-04-13

Haha, sorry I couldn't help myself.

Chelsey, that was not a metaphor.... Britt is using similes. :P


A drifter without location,
she peels salt from her eyesight;
moving on, without the prisoner.

^^ A drifter is someone who moves from place to place... so "without location" may sound redundant" however, I like the use of without location as I feel its needed in this short piece.

^ She peels salt from her eyesight <-- one may get confused as to who is she? Though she was mentioned in the first stanza and I first thought the "she" was in reference to the Seaweed because it goes with the line " a drifer without location" <-- I assumed the drifter was the seaweed" eventually realized the one peeling salt from eyesight was the She from the first stanza... ( I could be wrong)

And then " moving on, without the prisoner" <-- who is moving on without the prisoner, She or the seaweed? < so I feel that to understand it one needs to focus on the first stanza.

Or do you mean, that the one who was watching how the seaweed trapped the octopus, just moved on and didn't help the innocent octopus.
In that case, who is the difter -- the seaweed or the She? Now, I feel the drifter is the She, and that the focus isn't on the octopus and the seaweed any more, rather on the actions taken by that She.

However, now I'm left wondering... where was she? why didn't she help the octopus? what was her location? was she far away, was she close?

so that's the only thing I have with the second stanza, that i'm not sure who is the drifter.

If the drifter is the seaweed, then the octopus is freed from the seaweed but injured. The she taht was observing is sad as she watches. So it makes me think She can't help, perhaps she feels frustrated.

Sorry for the ramble. it's a tad confusing.

Time Being (6)
by Larry Chamberlin the Godfather

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-03-11

I wish the reply button would prompt me when someone replies to my comments.

it is madness but what could define existence other than time? I mean our existence as individuals not taking the whole universe into account.
In my opinion, It's but our past and present that defines our existence, is but our actions and what we have live that defines an individual.

The reality is that the universe exists but at times I feel that the universe exists only because our existence believes so. So madness indeed, we can go on an on and towards the end all we can do is assume and keep assuming though assuming can be harmful sometimes but I supposed the dimension of time can be some type of illusion.

Time Being (6)
by Larry Chamberlin the Godfather

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-03-09

Different perspectives, I on the other hand believe that the only thing real is the past and the present, but the future is not. Though the future becomes real only when it becomes a present then the past. And to me, the present is what defines the past not exactly the future.

I'm starting to see the future as a fleeting dream because it's just a dream that flees as it goes through the waist of the hourglass and becomes real as the past. The past is the only thing concrete that one has, it cannot be change entirely, one can simply add better scenes to it to cover it up, but no matter what, if one digs into it, everything comes up.

But I don't see the past as something bad, just as time. The present is too short, a past for an eternity and a future one can't touch it, its just a dream that may or not become real as a past, depending on what is done on the present.


EDIT: on second read, I think we see the future and present as the same.

Smile!!! (7)
by Wild flower

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-02-17

Ah but take away the dots..

that sounds insecure at least to me, and an exclamation mark might be better... (i'm being insecure)

Smile!!

sounds at least to me like more cheerful and saying with confidence that yes, you will make that someone smile. what do you think? ( I'm being insecure here too)

For instance the title, Smile..
i picture someone worry saying please smile, but if you want to make someone smile you have to believe it yourself, I mean you have to feel it and then portray it to that someone SMILE!!! ( now I'm confident )

SEE, brush your teeth and show that bright smile:P

say cheese, it's picture time ( more confident?)

It was a good write, plus good thoughts. I'm just being picky today, but the dots seem to go well with the poem because you aren't sure if this will make this someone smile.

The Eye of Rinzler (2)
by Blood of a Lion

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-02-11

The starting line "a demon boy standing with eastern splendor" draws the reader's attention right away. Specially the word "eastern," it captivates me, I am unsure as to how I should interpret it, but I like it. Though, "eastern" gives me a sense of direction as to where this picture comes from.

The second line " a sky above no longer transcendent blue," followed by "but a blue of a beauty unknown" gives a good description of how the sky in the picture looks like. The word transcendent sounded poetical as well as I feel that it goes well with the vocables used in this piece. It fits!

The fourth line "A wasted sight even by the devil's standards" confuses me a bit as I don't know why the narrator thinks is a wasted sight, since in the beginning it was mentioned that it was a beauty unknown. . . but is effective at making me wonder and thus wanting me to read farther to find out my answer.

The fifth line "The eye so brilliant as the eastern season of a year" is another line that successfully confuses me. The word "eastern" once again, but shouldn't it be "Easter?"
In this line, though, eastern is used as a simile... comparing the eye and the Eye if I am not mistaken it's the view. The view that demon is seeing is brilliant as the easter season of a year... when Jesus died and then resurrected.

The Six line "Darkness and a strange rising, even then," adds mystery to the poem, as well as the next one "The birds are only searching for a meal for thy bellies," though I think "thy" should be "their." The words "even then" and "only" makes me think that even though something unknown is happening in the picture, it seems that there is nothing to worry about as the birds are not worrying about anything else other than their food. And isn't that what birds always do? or what their focus is? Then the following line "Living, or otherwise" makes me doubt what I just said... thus the mystery that I find in those words. The "otherwise" as if the birds have no other option but to continue living by searching for food despite whatever is happening in the picture... they are not giving up on life, no matter what.

The ninth line "the city so distant and foreboding," followed by "not even the strongest of travelers dare cross its boundaries" finally clears my doubts. Something bad is happening. See not even the"strongest of travels" dare cross it. Something horrible is happening no doubt.

Then on the eleventh line "The soft delicate bunny," it might have been just me but I felt the bunny was just thrown in that line to introduce it but ... to me felt like a forceful introduction as I was pondering on the horrible things that might be happening in the city.. so I felt like it was a tough wake up... from what I was thinking. I mean I was picturing this bad things happening and suddenly, I think about the soft bunny... kind of sweet but I'm still uncertain if I like it or not... However, that just means that I am really drawn to the picture and the poem.

The twelfth line "ponder the demon boy as if of some odd ancient arrangement" when I thought about the switched on of lines from the city to the bunny... and then on this one.. it gave me the image as if the boy was staring at the city when suddenly his view changed to the bunny. So the way I am feeling about this write is that I am the narrator and I am the one observing everything in the picture... but in reality what I am observing is the boy's reaction to what he is observing. He is awestruck at such a beautiful destruction. ... but a wasted sight perhaps, because the world would die but it would resurrect? and the boy will not see this view again. . . per se?

The ending " But the boy only smiled, as the world wept as it died in mid-heaven" was fitting and I truly enjoyed this piece. As far as the title... I don't think the title fits this piece. I think Rinzler is like a ninja.. So my only guess is that Rinzler is the name of the demon boy. I mean it might be fitting but I feel like it needs something more to grabbed the reader... Through the eye of Rinzler? ... I have no idea. But this was a really creative narrative as well as a nice way of making me feel part of the picture.

Hug them before it's over [Tanka] (2)
by Khalid

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-01-26

Hug those whom you love -
Pour on them every sweet words
until they are sunk
One day you will be facing
reality they won't be back.

I think a tanka is 5,7,5,7,7... And also I had a tiny thing to say.. On the third line it says they.. My assumption you are referring to the words instead of those who are dear. But it can create confusion. Also this piece has a good topic but the tanka sounds a bit force. Specially on the last two lines.



Here are suggestions..


Hug those whom are dear-
Kiss them with every sweet words
Until they feel loved.
one day you will be facing
an open door, and they gone.

Hug those whom you love-
Pour on them the sweetest words
Until they feel loved.
For one day you'll be in shock
as they walk towards the door.


Hug those whom you love-
Pour on them every sweet word
Until they feel loved.
For one day, you'll realize
taht they are not coming back.


Hug those whom you love-
Pour on them affective words
show them they are loved.
Since one day, you'll realize
they have made another life.

Microscopic Eye [Capturing The Unseen] (6)
by The Queen

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-01-24

Here is my commnet from the results:


This poem is a peculiar one; I admire the courage the author has. Especially, since this piece's prompt is based on the picture. The only part I can link to the image is the "eye." However, the title clearly states, "capturing the unseen." Therefore, the author has made the rules and is showing us what our eyes cannot see within the picture. It is creative, no doubt. Who would have thought to write about time? And to use similes such as "like the second hand on a watch," like the mute sands in a coiled hourglass," and" like a silhouette of a woman." All of those similes have a relationship in some way or another. It is quiet interesting. The tone of the poem also transitions smoothly, and the ideas seem to be connected. However, if I look at the picture and I read the poem, I feel disconnected. As much as I try to see the images depicted on the poem within the picture or vice versa, I cannot do so. What I gathered at first read from this piece is "there are things we cannot see but because we don't see them doesn't mean they are not there." In addition, if I dwell in it for too long, I find other things. My mind can't put them into words. It's abstract and I like it. I also like the effect it creates, one can picture someone observing even the tiniest of dust. It's thought provoking. Also, the ending was so fitting. Great job.

Arctic Barriers (5)
by Xanthe

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-01-23

You said love would hide inside
igloos, a hermit, stacking bricks
of ice to hide - an escape artist -
imprisoning himself time and again.

^^

this is my favorite part of the poem.
Love found inside the igloo.. as a way of protecting against the hardships that one may encounter in the cold.

Though, I understood as if this someone had love but the love was taking refuge in the igloo.. He was waiting for a sun ( you) to melt the igloo and so you could get the love.. but you never love him... And he simply wanted some warmth while you found consolation in isolation... hmm.. I think I am wrong on my interpretation but the above part is my favorite.

Necromancy Rising (6)
by Larry Chamberlin the Godfather

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-01-20

Congratulations on the win!

This piece is well done, it has rhymes as well as a syllable count. Perhaps the syllable counts aren't evenly through out the piece, but I counted and in the first stanza has 8 syllables in the ones that follow 7 and towards the end 8.

So this piece in my opinion shows a great deal of work, to be able to rhyme it and count the syllables as well as make it have a flow. There are a few lines that did have an off tone when I read it but it could be the way I read it.

I am not too sure about the twist, what I gathered perhaps, it's not right but I thought that this someone went to the graved and practice black magic to be with his love. So his love awoke but in the heart of the one practicing the black magic. O_O
So I thought that perhaps, there are two souls in one body, Like literally two souls in one body. Or may be just as the title this someone simply communicated with his love.


5/5

Salem (7)
by Maple Tree

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-01-20

Here is my comment from the contest's results.


The title immediately makes me think of the "Salem Witch trials" as well as it makes me wonder if the author would successfully relate the image to "Salem's town."
To my surprised, the author did a great job with the approach taken. The poet took advantage of the "honey-red" color of the eye and implemented it within the poem. The use of "Amber shades are mere reflections of . . ." creates a reminiscing effect which makes me believe this piece is based on the narrator's recollection of events and not of the character, per se. I am glad these events are narrated by a third person, and not in first person point of view. Especially after reading, "death trapped her purity," it would have been strange to imagine this woman narrating her story to us, unless she was a Witch (the type people were scared of) looking at her to be future. However, that is not what I gathered from this piece rather I thought this woman was a victim of ignorance and a victim of a trap; a trap set to her to make people believe she was a witch. The author used the metaphor "mice to cheese" to imply that ignorant people prosecutes her just as the mice prosecutes the cheese, and her as an innocent would perish. "Witches" seem to be the cheese of this poem and the mice "the devilish" ignorance. Or perhaps, what the author really intended to say metaphorically, it's that the lady was the mice who was lured by the cheese, so she could fall prey to their trap.

As far as similes go, the author used " as a lost book of shadows in a burning haystack," " as the marigold faltered in the wind of transparent anger," "like a cloud of confetti." All of these similes have something in common which are the colors yellow and red and makes the similes work with the image. However, I do have two nit picks. One in the simile "Like cloud of confetti," when I think of confetti I picture all type of colors (blue, violet, green, purple, etc.) and if I look at the picture I only see yellowish and reddish ones, which semi-distorts the image for me. Also the transition from stanza one to stanza two sounds a bit off. I mean the tone changes drastically, at least to me. I feel they don't mesh too well. Aside from those, the poet did a great job. This piece shows great narrative skills as well as creativity. If I think about it, this author focus was on the color (flames, anger, marigold, amber, burning, ignited, explosive, mice, shadows, and even cheese have the colors of the image, (red, white, black, yellow.. ) except the confetti one that includes more colors like blue and green which I don't see in the picture. :-s) However, I think the simile "like a cloud of confetti" was used to imply, the people were celebrating her demise. Well done.


P.s. on the last paragraph "The sin... the "The" would work better if it was in lower case, it seems it's a continuation/part of the third stanza.

Black and Amber (1)
by Colm

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-01-20

Thank you for participating, Here is the comment I wrote for this piece in the contest.


This poem also focuses on the colors of the picture; I feel the golden color of the eye was the focal point of the first and second stanza. The author used " the ring on the finger of a hobbit" and if I am not mistaken the ring is golden, the barley as well as the field of maize has yellowish colors, and the author even took advantage of the color black on the last stanza... "the blackest of black holes" and it's interesting.. the black hole is found in the pupil of the eye within the image. I found that last line extremely creative, if I look at the picture, it does look like a black hole. It looks like the pupil is absorbing the colors of the picture.

The similes used within this poem were " as the ring of a hobbit," "like electricity, hot and white-golden," "as the one-way mirror of an interrogation chamber."

The tones of the poem as well as the ideas are good. I do have a nit pick, the part about" the industrial worker" I don't know how to relate it to the picture or to the colors. Though, that line gives this poem a personal touch.

My interpretation: it seems like the eyes of this someone were filled with many wonders that kept pulling the narrator in, yet the author could not see anything in them, at some point the author's attention diminished.

God. [2006] (8)
by Shark Puncher

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2013-01-10

Arguably many believe "we" are our souls, and our souls control every emotion and bodily function

^^ eh, Our soul does not control our every emotion and our bodily functions, tha'ts the brain. Our soul in my opinion is the essence that fills the vessel of our bodies so we won't be empty like robots... Often times, I feel that it's associated with our conscience. A "spiritual" voice that tells us what is right and what is wrong. There is something about the soul but just like everyone it's difficult to explain. I don't know if the soul will leave the body once one dies or if it will re-unite with it's dear ones after life. No one knows, only those who have died.
But I do believe we have a soul... and so does animals... i guess I'll end up become vegetarian one day. Any who, I think we are flesh.... dirt who were implanted a soul to live. There is a creator for everything, so humans too have a creator. But as you said, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs.



Why do you continue to pray to a God who has never once answered your prayers?

^ The fact that people can't see that prayers are been answered is another story. If one faith is not strong, how exactly, can one expect to see what one believes is not going to happen? Often times, I believe someone can't accomplish anything and even when it has been proven, I still don't believe this some accomplished something. If one believes, one sees. Sooner or later.


How can you believe every "miracle" God performs is real when he's never visibly there?

Its because of his invisibility and the "miracle" that makes the miracle outstanding. But because he is invisible and we can't see him, doesn't prove that He is not there. He performed a miracle, he is there.

How can you blindly confide your faith into a presence you've never seen?

Because to believe is not to see. What's the point in seeing then believing.. where is the trust left?


If plants simply decompose and rot upon death, why can't humans?

^Humans do rot upon death. the same as plants. Our Body rottens up, our soul.. no one knows. Some believe they go to hell, others to heaven, others to the limbo. Others come back to earth.


A mistery...

Anywho, Nice format its tough to write with rhymes and you did good with it.

Flashlight (13)
by Autumn Leaves

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2012-12-26

There is something about this write that I can't link to the title... and that's the use of the simile.. Like a bad check.

I have a bad habit of thinking of extended metaphors, so when I read this poem, I thought it might just be one. Towards, the end I realize it wasn't. The part that goes with the title is the middle one and a few others. But I thought this person didn't need a light to read you? yet, it's using the light to flash the weaknesses in the author's face.. That's how I link the title.

I also found this dark, because the overall tone sounds angrishly... but it's good.

Fake Families (3)
by Baby Rainbow

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2012-12-26

This poem actually sounded dark, instead of sad, I read it in an angry tone. I mean the content is sad. However, the over all tone sounded more darkish.

There is a small typo:

Soemone who won't hide me away

^
Someone.

In some cases, one finds a family where there is no blood relation.
But we all know realize what the true meaning of family is.

Not Giving Up [Senryu] (3)
by Khalid

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2012-12-25

I've waited for you -
Until my shadow whispered
"I'm tired to stand more"


Okay, this is in past and so it doesn't fit with the title..

The title says not giving up yet the content shows the opposite.


I will wait for you
until my shadow whispers
"the light is too strong"


Just kidding

Not giving up

I will wait for you
Until my shadow whispers
I'll detach from you.

Or

I will wait for you
Until my shadow whispers
"I'm tired to stand more"

Angelic Resemblance [String Haibuns] (2)
by Khalid

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2012-12-25

One leader is enough, I am assuming that leader will be God?

I like the part about where there is bad people there are good people. There is always a balance, everything needs to be balance out. Even the good people need some type of malice in order to survive. In the sense, that good people may be able to balance their life with it.

I like the haikus. This piece sounds like it was easy to write but after I noticed the haikus, no way it was that easy. Good thoughts and also good flow.

Countdown (12)
by Hannah Lizette

commented by Everlasting ( F P C D ) at 2012-12-16

I also Agree, it has good imagery.

what I like is that one can see that this two people are counting the days, however, they are relax and enjoying the time. I thought this was about a distant love because of the word sipping the raven coffee from "abroad".
Or it could be about about a couple who hasn't seen each other since morning, lol. And they miss each other.

The guy is being romantic and sending text while she waits for night to come. Regardless, this was well done.

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