Praised comments by L

The Friend Whom I Betrayed (3)
by Amy

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-10-06

For starting, it's a good piece. My only critique is try to keep the poem either in present tense or in past tense where it needs to be. For instance, the first stanza starts in past tense, but then it goes to present tense.

See:


We came so close, face to face,
A tear within her eyes.
I ask her what's wrong,
But she just walks on by.


Suggestion:

We came so close, face to face,
there were tears in her eyes.
I asked her what's wrong,
but she just walked on by.


---

Then on the second stanza on this line:

" I remember the the face of unhappiness"


--- I believe there was a typo. A double "the."
Other than that, I think this was good.

Stargazers. (2)
by Darren

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-10-01

May I offer some suggestions?


Stargazers always say
never chase angels away
holding hands, laughing
running free, ready to play.


--- I like the rhymes. But I feel this is stanza needs more clarity...

For instance,

Stargazers always say
never chase angels away
while holding hands, laughing,
running freely, getting ready to play.

-- in this way, I can imagine the stargazers saying while they holds hands... etc to "never chase angels away." It gives me a visual of how the stargazers are while they say what they said. They seem to be in a too happy mood.

Or

Stargazers always say:
never chase angels away,
hold hands, laugh,
run freely, be ready to play.

-- In this way, I can imagine the stargazers saying all of the above. Kind of like saying, never chase angels away instead holds hands, laugh...etc. Be more cheerful, relax, enjoy life.




-------------------------------------------


Laying back on dirt
hand in hand
society crumbles all around
weeping stars
the only sound.


-- Now on this stanza. I am not seeing much relationship to the previous one. How is this related? Could you find a stronger way to connect them together? Perhaps, you could use some parenthesis, either on the previous stanza, or on this one. I mean the previous stanza could be thoughts, some sort of reminiscing moment. And the second stanza could be the actual image.

What I get from this stanza, it's like it clearly says someone resting on dirt. The other parts are hmm not clear for me. Perhaps, you could add a little more of images and more clarity?

I particularly like the part about "society crumbles all around." It makes me wonder where exactly is this someone... and this actually can be link to the previous stanza, in the sense, that you are - per se - reminiscing about what the stargazers said " to be more cheerful, but how could you? if society crumbles all around.

I'm not exactly a fan of "weeping stars, the only sound." I feel its main focus was on the rhyme of "around" and "sound" rather than on the content.


Edit: Or the stars are crying? from seeing society crumbling?


----------------------------------------



Doors, they may slam hard
a gentle breeze carrying calm
learning to forget the real charm
a bullet ridden heart
its shadow cast
cannot be dismissed as a charade.


--- In this one, I still feel the main focus was the rhyme, but I also feel the rhyme force?
I feel you can elaborate a little bit more and not focus much on the rhyme but on what you aimed to say.



Scouring the night sky for a mere iota
that death has had its fill, its quota
knowing that despite so much darkness
in this the blackest night
so many stars stare down shining bright
I wonder 'will there always be light?'
beyond a place we have never known.


--- Overall, I feel you could add a little more clarity to this piece and that the rhyme need a little more attention. I can't exactly give any suggestions on all of the stanzas, because I'm not exactly sure what you aimed to say.
But if you Pm the main aimed of the poem, I could try to give some suggestions.

Fireworks in the dark (3)
by Redangelwings

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-09-18

The title reminded me of a poem I wrote a long time ago "fireworks within your heart." So it grabbed my attention.



Trees are the shadows we stalk
because we are invisible at the hour.

Silence is the only peace we feel
because there is beauty all around us.


^ The only critique I have is the repetition of because.
The used of the word - too close - sounds a bit awkward at least to me.
I also feel that you may need to work on this piece a little bit more. You have a good beginning and some interesting images. It grabbed my attention but towards the middle section, specially the parts I highlighted above, disconnected me from the poem. I believe is because I don't feel a solid connection between those lines.
Perhaps, this piece will benefit more if you work towards making those lines more cohesive? to tie them together without them sounding like a list? I am not sure how to explain.

A suggestion, if you don't mind.
Don't make any changes as of yet, but later on come back to this poem, then read over it and try to make a few edits. Little by little. Other than that, I think it's good. I see, you are venturing towards using more figurative language. Keep it the good job.

An Engagement Ring (4)
by Hellon

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-09-17

(she used to tell me the
meant "I Love You" )

^ I think there's a small typo on "tell me the(they) meant..


An engagement Ring for all I know can be a doughnut. Would I be happy with a doughnut? probably at the beginning, but later on not so much because I might end up eating it or it would rotten pretty fast... :( that is if I were to have nowhere to refrigerated.

However, at the end of the day I think what matters is the love between the couple. And your mom cherished and kept that ring in her finger at all times, I think is because her love gave it to her. It's symbolic.

In the sense that I'm assuming the ring is still intact despite being exposed to all the scrubbing your mom did and also after 50 years.

Though it makes me wonder if she ever saw the initials herself. The poem makes me think she did, and thus it adds a whole new value to the ring. I think she knew the hard work her husband did to buy that ring for her and the rings emotional value increased.

But If she did or if she didn't see them this piece showed me how important that ring was to your mom.

There's a mixture of feelings that I'm not sure how to express but I enjoyed reading this piece. Thanks for sharing.

Newsprint Roses (7)
by Hannah Lizette

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-08-01

Hannah, I like the vivid image that I got from this poem also with how you depicted this lady, you even used arthritic fingers and that at least to me that added an essential detail to the poem. I mean this lady creates the newsprint roses while her fingers ache but she still builds them for her love. I mean the idea that I got was that she gathers this newsprint pieces from the people who passed away, whom she knows ( perhaps friends) then she goes and creates a rose to place under her husband's stone? perhaps to inform him or rather for him to not be alone. May be she thinks that by placing them there, they will all be together?

and the ending question, she may wonder what will happen when she joins her husband, who will tell them both ( or her) the news? more like who will visit her.

I agree super creative.

Bleak (7)
by Antithesis

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-07-31

She looked at me with eyes like ice,
alone I stood up proper, still,
I held a busted halo high,
my disposition bleak and dull,

--- You almost got the iambic on this stanza. I think the last sentence is the one that semi-struggles. I read it something like:

my dis- po- SI- tion BLEAK and DULL

The first three syllables go unstress... though, it can easily blend in with the rest of the syllables so it's no big deal.


The lines that I found myself stumbled upon where a few with 6 syllables. I am unsure if it's because the iambic is not so well ( highly stress) or if it's the transition from 8 syllables to 6 syllables.




But above all, you did a wonderful job. I like it.




Lines that I stumbled upon:

she did it with such ease,

she did IT with such EASE --> On this one, it might just be me but I read this one as anapest.


UN-der a WANing SUN. --> this one starts as trochee but it ends in iambic.


I really like how it reads and the sad atmosphere.

In View of a Newborn (2)
by Sincuna

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-07-15

And this baby giggles at me, pointing her two
tiny fingers to the top of my head, like I'm wearing
an antenna, like I'm an alien or some kind of insect.
And I feel joy. The baby laughs, and so do I.
And this is the sound that normally accompanies
new life. Not the crying during late evenings, while
you're stuck performing a concert in the bathroom
or buried in the deep coffin of the bed. No,
this is where you see the reflection
of your old life.

^^ I would like to highlight this part just because it got me thinking... ouch, I know not good. I am going to start rambling.

But I'm actually in a dilemma. I am in disagreement and agreement with the sound that accompanies new life..

For one part, I think the opposite, I mean that a cry is the sound that accompanies new life rather than a laugh. When a baby is born, the doctors give them a slap you know where just so that the baby can cry and breathe. And it is within the cry that we can realize the importance of life and we go back to the reflection of our old life. ( that's what I am confused in the poem. I am not sure if you meant that a laugh is where we see the reflection of our old life or if you meant that a cry is where we see it.)

Like... babies cry because they are hungry, or they need a change of diaper, or because they are scare and they need their mom or dad to hold them tight to feel secure. They cry because of necessity, so in my thoughts, a cry is a sound of life rather than a laugh.

But on the other hand, I mean a laugh warms our heart, and seeing the baby happy is such a joy so in that part I can understand what you mean, but then I'm in a dilemma... because it is behind the reason of their cry that reminds us once again what things matter in life.

oh well, I'll come back to re-read and see if I can get other ideas.

Great poem by way.

Jesus Cried That Night (9)
by Abed

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-07-15

Judging Comment Weekly contest May 13, 2013

The starting line "I swear Jesus cried that night," caught my attention. When I started reading the poem I thought that this piece had a mystery attached to it, but towards the end I realized it has no mystery but a simplicity that allows the reader to understand it and see what Adonis wanted us to see. I was taking into the poem and that's what I like the most. Adonis, described how the sky was looking and gave it a semi twist too. I first thought that those "grenades" could have been fireworks in the sky, but then again the use of "grenades" prompts me that it can be related to war, so nice twist also with the simile "like an outrage of aroused champagne." I also liked that Adonis clarified that it was not a feast but a carnage. My favorite stanza is the last one where the starting lines gets connected back to the poem. It explains why the narrator "swears" that Jesus cried that night and I ended up with the feeling that one of those boys is the narrator. Well done

Kuebiko (In the Beginning) (7)
by Hellon

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-07-15

Judging Comment Jun 17, 2013

I am glad Hellon is showing us how Kuebiko was in the Beginning. I grew attach to him since the previous poem. This piece tells a sad but common story.
What I like is that it's not over emphasizing sadness but rather wonder, while at the same time it leaves the reader wondering what happen to Sally? My guess, Sally grew up . . . It makes the reader connect with the characters as well as to think how situations like this happen in real life. After reading the poem, now this explains why Kuebiko had torn cloths on the other poem. Well done.

Now that You Killed Me (8)
by ddavidd

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-07-15

Weekly Contest June 17, 2013


I enjoyed this poem, specially this part:

Now there is no redemption for me but in song
now that you killed me
I live in you
in you
I only belong!!

What I like about the poem is the comparisons. How the narrator seems to compare himself to a scorpion "like a scorpion that bites its mother to spring Farewell to you, to another version of me." The use of "another version of me" led me to believe that the poem is speaking to the narrator but I can't assure that. The voice of the poem could be speaking to anybody. However, my first interpretation is that we often make mistakes and it takes a long time to notice them, but once we do, we try to fix them and we are happy to say farewell to them but we know they will always be a part of them because we commit them. When we realize them, it hurts but there's nothing else one can do. Second interpretation, this poem is about love and perhaps deception. I also like the assonance and rhymes in the poem and the May be's. Well done

Kuebiko (8)
by Hellon

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-07-15

Judging Comments weekly contest June 10, 2013

Short but with a really great imagery. The title grabbed my attention as I never heard Kuebiko before then when I read the poem and searched what it meant, I found out that Hellon showed us a scarecrow within her poem. What I like the most was that, whether intentional or not, she added some humor to this piece with the last line " upon his hat a mockingbird.." I took the mockingbird as a bird that was mocking the kuebiko lol. I am not sure if I should consider the mockingbird as a predator but regardless it was a nice touch.

The Aquarium of Deep Sea (1)
by ddavidd

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-07-15

Judging Comment for Weekly contest : June 24, 2013


"The Aquarium of Deep Sea" is a poem that has a lot going on, content wise. Though I have to say that I'm puzzled by a meaningless thing that is not even worth the mention, but I'm just going to ask for the sheer purpose of asking ... Is that an O at the start of the poem or is it a zero/ 0?

With that being out of my system I have to say the poem is complex, but I feel the last stanza ties the content together as well as it brings a new thought to the reader.

This is how I interpreted the whole poem (perhaps not what it was intended but here it goes)


In the first stanza, it seems the narrator is outside the aquarium. Now to me the outside part of the aquarium is some metaphor I supposed for the world; the life surrounding the narrator? When he mentions "I'm only alive inside an aquarium of deep sea" I believe the deep sea symbolizes "thoughts," "intellect," or "anything that isn't related to the aquarium physically" but "mentally.

This line " Belly of ocean is my pillow, is my bed," I feel is important to remember because in the last stanza the Ocean is mentioned as " May be I am another fish chubby and yummy in ocean of my own tummy."


So it seems the narrator sleeps in the stomach of the ocean since the belly of Ocean is his bed . . .

Overall, what I gathered is that the narrator figured out that perhaps he is also inside that aquarium and not outside, that he is also a fish with a colorful head and that he is vulnerable to predators for being chubby and yummy like any other. There is more interpretations that I came up with based on the poem but this is the easiest one for me to explain. I seriously enjoyed reading this poem aloud. Excellent

The First Smile (8)
by Sincuna

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-07-15

Judging comment for weekly contest: July 8, 2013

What I liked about this poem is the short journey undertaken by the narrator and the analyzation of how the majority talk about the first kiss but not about the first smile that made them fall in "love"/ being attracted for the first time. Is it because the first smile is hard to remember just because they actually didn't had the courage to speak to each other? Or because along the years that smile gets erased by suffering and getting hurt? or because that smile is better to just keep in our memories as a secret that no one but only ourselves should remember? or because that smile is actually less valuable than the first kiss? Or I can go on... but I think those who have actually love once can remember that first smile from their love one and that they talk about it more than the first kiss, because that one smile was what made them fall in love, and that love made them take the courage to speak to each other. However, those who didn't take the courage . . .

Thought-provoking, I like the vivid images and the awkwardness that I felt from those two strangers and also the romantic scenario. Well done

Mrs. Lowe has two pianos (15)
by Larry Chamberlin the Godfather

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-07-15

Judging Comment for weekly contest : July 8, 2013

There are those poems that tell and there are those others that show and "Mrs. Lowe has two pianos" is a great example of those type of poems that stream an image instead of just telling an idea. I like the approached that Larry Chamberlin took. I also think that just showing, it's a risky move but in this case it was worth the shot. Often times, we as the reader may want to read how the narrator is feeling about the story he/she just narrated, but in this case I find it fascinating how Mrs. Lowe is depicted that I just grew attach to the character and came up with my own feelings. I immediately pictured a woman who is passionate about her job? or hobby? I'm unsure about that part, but either or this woman taught many children how to play the piano and still continues to do so. It is her perseverance and motivation that I find so inspiring and even more that she continues playing the other piano to her husband. He may be just a picture in that piano he bought for her, but there's more to it than just the melody she plays for him. And that's where this thought hit me, that people often say that materials things come to a second plane and I agree, but there are times when material things keeps us closer or at least make us believe we are closer to those who by destinies reason are no longer with us and it is because of that that people start cherishing a material object the most, for the emotional value it holds just as Mrs. Lowe. She doesn't let her students used that piano but only her. This poem is moving and there are undoubtedly difference ways of how to feel/react to it. Great write.

Confessions & Heartaches (12)
by Senyru

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-07-15

Weekly contest : July 15, 2013

I like how this piece was broken down into four parts and also how each part held something that made it stand out. I particularly like the third part the most. I love the creative way of using the rose and the thorns. How Senryu compared the beauty of the rose with this person but what I liked the most was how Senryu arrived through the realization of why an innocent rose could bear thorns through looked at this someone. It is through wonder and comparisons that we arrive to realizations. I wish to say much more and highlight each part of this piece but the poem speaks for itself. The ending was not expected, but it clearly shows that someone liked to play with fire. Great job

Wanderer (8)
by Britt

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-07-11

On a like part, this poem has good imagery.
Specially the second stanza, that's an awesome one.

The first and third stanza, at least for my like it's doesn't tell me much nor does it show a concrete image like the second one.

However, I do feel the use of ships, atlas, and voyage go hand on hand.

The reason why the first and second stanzas doesn't tell me much is because...

Let me try to see if I can explain my thoughts.

First stanza:

I picture those ships ( I have no idea what they are) sailing in circles and circles around roots and you long for the wind to catch ... can I ask what exactly do you long for the wind to catch? the fingertips? the ships?something else?

Just out of curiosity as I'm not sure and I'm re-learning about the rules of how to combine two independent clauses which one is to combine them with a comma followed by a conjunction. But if I read this line "and I long for the wind to catch" that to me sounds like a fragment as if it's missing something. . .

So the period in that stanza puzzles me.. . and because of that the overall stanza doesn't tell me much.

On a positive side, the first three lines have a good image; a tempting one that makes me think, though I have no idea if those ships are a metaphor for something or if I should take them literal so it incites me to continue reading.

Second stanza:

I have no critique for that one, I just love that one.

Third stanza:

I'm trying to see or understand the correlation between the first and third stanza, as I noticed in the first stanza you used Roots and in the third one Leaves, so those go hand in hand and it gives an interesting image, as I picture big trees and a lot of leaves too on the background.

Now that I think about it, I don't have much critique on this one.
It's just the first stanza.

Overall, this poem has a mystery. I sense some confusion. I wonder how did the atlas got in the pocket? if it was from its former lover? Are you going after its former lover? did the former lover gifted to you? or did you find it somewhere? I can use my imagination and come up with my own thoughts so in that sense its nice.

but what leaves me a little unsettled is the use of " I feel my impatience rattling nerves - soon changes will appear".. I take that as a yearn for wanting to leave as soon as possible but seems that obstacles get in the way. However, there's that hope that soon but soon those ships will stop circling around roots and they will take you on your voyage.

That's how I interpreted it.

Mrs. Lowe has two pianos (15)
by Larry Chamberlin the Godfather

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-07-01

Mr. Larry, such a moving poem.
Mrs. Lowe has two pianos, two loves, two passions.
She let's others play one piano but not the one that was given to her by her husband Mr. Lowe. At first they couldn't afford it, but her husband surprised her later on by buying it to her. That piano has an emotional value that not many would understand. I love how the story read like a scene. I imagined Mrs. Lowe playing the piano for her husband and her husband admiring her.

Little Bird (3)
by Antithesis

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-06-26

This reminded me of the men I see sitting under bridges... lonely.

Though, the image that I got from here was of a man sitting on an empty street while his family was either sleeping or celebrating. The reason for my thoughts is because I am connecting the little bird with the man, and if the little bird had his kin sitting on the trees while the warm winds calmed the tree's leaves, I will assume the family of the little bird were either sleeping or celebrating the spring or summer? So I think the same happens to the man's family.

Sometimes, we have many people surrounding us but we feel lonely -it doesn't necessarily means that we are - but at times we are lonely by choice because nothing can fill some void that we feel.

I don't think vodka can fill it either, at least not in that man sitting on the street while observing that little bird, otherwise, I guess it wouldn't have compared the little bird to himself? (as lonely)

Melancholic poem, if I try to put myself in the shoes of the man, I guess I would have tried to find someone feeling the same way as me, to feel understood, and that little bird may have been that someone. Sorry for the ramble.


Great write.

Cobweb Free (9)
by Hannah Lizette

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-05-14

Can I say that is the type of poems that I like reading?

I mean I love when I read a poem that focuses in the same metaphor and well, the black widow killed her husband... That's what I got from this poem.

I mean it could have just been the spider trapped on the cobweb and her poisoning someone but based on the first stanza I think the husband caught her on a cobweb and made her bitter and resentful until she finally poison him to gain her freedom but in the end she became a black widow. ( so perhaps I see some symbolism in the "black widow.")

5/5

Sparkling Hope (10)
by Hannah Lizette

commented by Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2013-05-11

The moon's tears
trickle along the rim
of her empty
champagne glass,

^ nice personification, I also like the "vividness" that I get from this.

I enjoyed the poem but to be honest the middle section at least to me - feels like it needs something else to tie it up hmm, or may be not tied it up but when I read it the word broadcasting felt awkward and also the part about alien territories or may be it needs a comma after melancholy?


"broadcasting melancholy
lullabies betwixt alien
territories -"

I am not sure but something sounds odd in that middle section perhaps I am not reading it correctly. Am I supposed to take the word broadcasting as verb or as a noun?

I mean I am taking it as verb... but that's where my confusion arises.

So the lullabies are broadcasting melancholy between alien territories... or the moon is broadcasting melancholy? and there are some lullabies between alien territories.

but I feel like you are saying:

broadcasting melancholy,
lullabies betwixt alien
territories -

^^ that the lullabies are broadcasting the melancholy, I don't know how to explain myself :/


Overall, the scenario that I got was that there was someone sad, looking at the empty glass. Perhaps waiting for a date? and the date didn't show up, but the moon hopes the date will still continue as it looks at the champagne.... And the middle section, prompts me to think that perhaps the moon was listening to the radio lol. I can run my imagination.

Aside from my confusion, I like the poem.


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