Musicality ( F P C D )
at 2009-11-11
Great use of imagery and vocabulary. Here's my critique line by line
This new attraction forming Coventry
Where man and woman practice deviltry
Or maybe lesser evils by degree
And still they follow faithful by decree.(remove and)
This understanding humankind and pleasure(remove this)
And least we die becomes our only failure,(remove and least we die, replace with the word' death' for more of an oomph...and failure doesn't quite rhyme with pleasure, maybe try failed measure)
Hell brings the fire that only can inspire
To melt your heaven-heart with dark desire;
The lips are pressing double that infernal (remove the)
The soul becomes a flame that burns eternal,(turn that burns into burning)
And man will come to know your flame a relic(remove and)
Beyond the pentagram his knowledge cryptic.
Somewhere, a legion-low with mid-night counsel
His musing exercising mind and pencil,(good use of slant rhyme)
A shadow verse for lovers dark in arts
Can swiftly tear a virgin's heart apart-(move apart to after tear for correct sentence structuring)
When carelessly provoking something old-
Politely push aside the story told.(push should be pushing for equal rhythm
Your fancy blind with misconception(add 's) blot
Mythology's a heartbeat dying not;(put a comma between dying and not)
A living flame that whispers to your soul(remove that)
And on the waves of Hell your soul will roll,(remove and)
Delightful times when ignorance is bliss
And Hell, oh Hell, enjoys your folly kiss.(change and to where)
Great poem!
Best,
Music
Michael D Nalley ( F P C D )
at 2009-11-16
Magical and mystical content which does not miss a beat
5>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
MERCY is never shown ( F P C D )
at 2009-11-18
Wow i really like the imagery you created and i mean the mystic tense of reality it was brilliant i loved it great job!
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