"DONT DRINK AND DRIVE SMOKE AND FLY."

Excuses are like bellybuttons...everyone has one but no one knows what they are for.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! CRAP! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least."

Some people give me a weird look and ask "Are you high on crack?". I say "Pfft, crack kills... Peace, love and pot!"

"Squish a boob, save a life!"

Protect yourself from breast cancer!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

When I walk by you say "fag" but your boner says something else.

It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality i accept

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

"life is like a box of chocolates... u never gonna know what ur gonna get!