Comments : Drama.

  • 14 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    An irritating interference
    enters our lives,
    corrupting emotions--
    strangling our minds.

    *I love the alliteration. For some reason I think you should change "minds" to "thoughts". It seems to work better with the part about "corrupting emotions"*

    As frustration explodes,
    pointless fights surface,
    hurtful words burn deep--
    there's just no use.

    *I like how your words seem so deep and emotional at the first three lines, but distant in the last line. Something about this just seems flawless. I like it*

    Valueable friendships
    slip through our fingertips
    as a result of drama, yet--
    it could have been prevented.

    *I didn't really like the ending to this. It sounds rushed, not as thought out as the rest. I would change the third line to "as a result of one small word" that way you don't have to say drama. The title does that for you. And I'd maybe end it with a question. "Could it have been prevented?" or something like that. Thay way you let people answer for themselves, cause sometimes drama can't be prevented. Anywho I think you did a nice job here. I think the idea was new and I enjoyed this poem. Nice work hun. Nik*

  • 14 years ago

    by Ingrid

    Temps,

    In life we always have to fight for what we believe in and what we love, who we love. There will always be things or people standing in your way, obstacles to face and difficulties to overcome. We never lose the things or peole that are meant for us, trust me. I don't want to say any more in this box, just one thing: don't give up on what you believe in.

    *hugs*

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 14 years ago

    by Steady Stereotype

    This poem was shockingly realistic, you explaining something that anyone can relate to. Everyone has at one point experienced. Drama. It was a fitting title that you put under the correct category "A poem about life."

    "Valueable friendships
    slip through our fingertips
    as a result of one small word--
    could it have been prevented?"

    ^This stanza was by far my favourite. How you describe fingers slipping right through our fingers. It's so true, and the picture that just simply splashed upon my mind was so true, something that you try to catch but you jsut can't. It's slipping from our grasp.

    The ending seemed kind of iffy. It almost seems like the thought wasn't completed as you keyed in the words. I like the use of a question, making the audience think. It was a good idea but not completely used as best as possible. I think what you were going for was to make the reader go, "Can we prevent the Drama? The tears and useless fights?" But then it just ends there. As if you couldn't answer it yourself, which was good but it still seemed incomplete. Perhaps my critique isn't the best since I can't even think of how _I_ would end it myself. ^^;; Maybe elaborate and say exactly what you're asking can be prevented. For example, "The tears// The fights . . . /// And the drama?" It's not the best but I hope you get what I mean ^^

    It was a great poem overall, the end was good but not phenomonal or the best. Hope to read more soon. (;

  • 14 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    This was a fantastic piece Temps, I loved the thoughts that you gave the reader, your words speak so much truth. I do like how you changed the ending, I saw it fit. I love love love poems with questions tagged on at the end, it sums the poem up nicely. Excellent write, thanks for posting and writing about this! 5/5 from me, take care.

    ~MaryAnne

  • 14 years ago

    by Ray Smallshaw

    Another excellent poem full of all that is good in a great poem. Life's little drama's surround us daily probably started by one little word there cause.
    Sometimes I to want to bit off my tongue to prevent them from happening Ray S

  • 14 years ago

    by Sourav

    I liked this poem. Personally I like this kind of writing that's why I liked it even more. I've gone through the comments and seems everything has been said! So not much new to say. Although I believe in the first stanza changing the word 'mind' to 'thought' is not necessary. That is fine to me. Yes, I would like to see one more stanza. That certainly would give the poem more space to flow. End is little bit abrupt as most of them said. Overall, I believe it's a nicely written creative poem. Very contemporary. Well done!

  • 14 years ago

    by TJ Arizona Eagle

    In a few words you have preciously pin pointed a problem in our society. Well written and intelligently done.