Comments : Hypocrite cloud

  • 9 years ago

    by Jad

    Simply beautiful. The depth of the poem and each of your lines was astounding. I loved the imagery you used all throughout the poem. I found it very vivid and refreshing. From the description of the storm, to the description of yourself, I was taken away with how easily you were able to paint such a deep scene with your words. I especially like the onamonapia you used in the second to last stanza. It added a since of reality to the poem, where I felt like I could be you holding the umbrella and candle, listening to the rain tap against the ground.

    "And boots in my feet,"
    ^^^
    I was wondering if perhaps you had meant to say "And boots on my feet,"? The context makes more sense this way, since boots can't be in our feet. At least they can't literally.

    The metaphor is done perfectly and other than a simple grammar problem, I didn't find anything else I could help with. I tried to find a stanza that really stuck out to me, but I was unable to do this because the entire poem is quite stunning and different from a lot of other poetry I have been reading recently.

    All in all, I found this poem enjoyable and vivid, which I especially love because of my love for nature. Your talent to write the world around you is incredible and very fun to read about. I hope you continue to learn and write from that experience. Great job and keep writing!

    • 9 years ago

      by Everlasting

      Thank you for the suggestion Jad.

      I always get mixed up when using "in" and "on."

  • 9 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Gullible asphalt
    of the empty roads

    - :O - really? - this line is outstanding!!

    Really enjoyed this poem, the description was well worded and you kept it quite interesting with your metaphors and unique one liners of describing something!!

    I also think the poem was quite "realistic" and it really did feel like I was there in the rain storm, and lets face it, recently in Scotland we have been having the rain quite heavy.

    I like your title too - and how you actually narrate the poem towards the cloud ... good job.

  • 9 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    What a unique and beautiful piece this is!!

    Everlasting set the bar high this week! Unique, pretty and just wonderful!

    The title is great, tying in message with metaphor- Just brilliant and fun.

    The angle I took was of course writing of a hypocrite's ignorance and splashing in the rain clouds wrath! ( This is of course the interpretation I got)

    I really adore the format and repetition mixed in... Fun and very descriptively colorful!! Pretty and intensity are 2 words that come to mind when talking about this piece! Just a delight to read by everlasting this week!