Comments : Life

  • 9 years ago

    by PineappleKing

    This is a wonderful piece and very well penned! It doesn't matter how hard you can hit, all that matters is how hard you can get hit and keep going.

  • 9 years ago

    by BlueJay

    As I walk through life,
    I look at all I have done.

    ^ This is an interesting introduction though it definitely captures the attention of the audience.

    I had wandered aimlessly,
    And wondered what I have become.

    ^ the above line, "and wondered..." feels as though the grammar is a little bit off, it makes the reader stumble a little and have to interpret what is missing.

    I have been through so much,
    It is amazing I made it through.

    ^ Using the word through only a line apart, detracts the meaning of these lines and makes the reader stumble a little more as well. Maybe try to replace the second instance of it.

    The lessons I have learned
    I am shocked I pulled through.

    ^ Again, I would change the word through...

    The times I wondered
    What life was all about.

    ^ everyone does this, and I like how you made a point to remind us of those times in our life.

    The trials experienced in life,
    Can make all the good come out.

    ^ both of these lines feel a little awkward but they are interesting in their own ways.

    We try to make it day by day.
    Remembering what we were taught.

    ^ this reminds me of something you would hear in a speech at a high school graduation, you know where the valedictorian is thanking the parents and teachers for the support to make it as far as this... it's also a nice transition in the piece to show yourself getting older and moving through life.

    Just remember some time to pray,
    It is important,
    We need it every day.
    Life can be short.

    ^ Though I am not a fan of "religious, you should do this " mentions you make a good point here in showing your beliefs and how you believe this to be a necessary part of living life to the fullest.

    Unexpected at that.
    We try to take its punches,
    Just hoping it won't break our back.

    ^ As the other comment says, this is an interestingly phrased section.

    Remember who you are,

    ^ this is a line used in my favorite movie, The Illusionist, and it is used to show that people of different statures shouldnt be seen with those of lower stature, but I like here how you played it off in a little bit different of a way.

    Who you want to become.
    Everything will fall into place,
    When the time comes.

    ^ I like the hope this shows.

    Don't forget I love you's,
    Every chance you get.

    ^ Another famous comment, twisted perfectly to your benefit, nicely done.

    The time may be short,
    There is no time to regret.
    Life can be exciting,
    As we all have found out.
    Eventful, even busy
    There is no time to be left out.

    ^ Honestly, i feel this would have been a better place to end the poem but i guess that could just be a personal thought.

    Remember who you are,
    And who you want to become.
    The time can be short
    Don't leave things undone.

    ^ The repetition here is an interesting idea though it seems to feel out of place.

    Remember your friends families,
    They are the only ones you've got.
    To carry you in times of need
    They can not be bought.

    ^again, this does not feel like much of a conclusion, it feels unnecessary and lengthy..

    Interestingly penned.

    3/5 from me