Comments : What does it get you...?

  • 8 years ago

    by Ingrid

    Hi Michael,

    I like the sharp contrast between the first two lines and the last one.

    Shooting stars tonight
    standing for hours looking up

    ^^^
    The shooting stars, so romantic, so hopeful
    In the second line we get the image of a person, or even two looking up and making wishes and then.....

    a pain in the neck

    ^^^
    So cynical!!! I like that in a poem and the Senryu is the perfect format for such a short and poignant message.
    It takes some time to lose that initial enthusiasm, but eventually we all realise life is not all peaches and cream.

    You could even have placed this in the funny poems section.

    I like that you used no punctuation, the words seem to have more impact now and it looks so elegant:)

    Well done!

    (((hugs)))

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Another funny and very true little piece, Michael. As Ingrid says, so much initial imagery conjured and then: "a pain in the neck".

  • 8 years ago

    by Hellon

    I cracked up laughing when a read your punch line...How very cynical of you Michael!

    Really enjoyed this little senryu.