Submission date : 2009-07-05
Last edit : 2009-07-07
eclipticxdreams ( F C D )
This poem was shockingly realistic, you explaining something that anyone can relate to. Everyone has at one point experienced. Drama. It was a fitting title that you put under the correct category "A poem about life."
slip through our fingertips
as a result of one small word--
could it have been prevented?"
^This stanza was by far my favourite. How you describe fingers slipping right through our fingers. It's so true, and the picture that just simply splashed upon my mind was so true, something that you try to catch but you jsut can't. It's slipping from our grasp.
The ending seemed kind of iffy. It almost seems like the thought wasn't completed as you keyed in the words. I like the use of a question, making the audience think. It was a good idea but not completely used as best as possible. I think what you were going for was to make the reader go, "Can we prevent the Drama? The tears and useless fights?" But then it just ends there. As if you couldn't answer it yourself, which was good but it still seemed incomplete. Perhaps my critique isn't the best since I can't even think of how _I_ would end it myself. ^^;; Maybe elaborate and say exactly what you're asking can be prevented. For example, "The tears// The fights . . . /// And the drama?" It's not the best but I hope you get what I mean ^^
It was a great poem overall, the end was good but not phenomonal or the best. Hope to read more soon. (;
Planned Parenthood Steals Souls ( F P C D )
This was a fantastic piece Temps, I loved the thoughts that you gave the reader, your words speak so much truth. I do like how you changed the ending, I saw it fit. I love love love poems with questions tagged on at the end, it sums the poem up nicely. Excellent write, thanks for posting and writing about this! 5/5 from me, take care.
Ray Smallshaw ( F P C D )
Another excellent poem full of all that is good in a great poem. Life's little drama's surround us daily probably started by one little word there cause.
Sometimes I to want to bit off my tongue to prevent them from happening Ray S
Sourav ( F P C D )
I liked this poem. Personally I like this kind of writing that's why I liked it even more. I've gone through the comments and seems everything has been said! So not much new to say. Although I believe in the first stanza changing the word 'mind' to 'thought' is not necessary. That is fine to me. Yes, I would like to see one more stanza. That certainly would give the poem more space to flow. End is little bit abrupt as most of them said. Overall, I believe it's a nicely written creative poem. Very contemporary. Well done!
Dirctly Implied ( F P C D )
In a few words you have preciously pin pointed a problem in our society. Well written and intelligently done.