Submission date : 2012-04-24
Poet on the Piano ( F P C D )
I love the simple message of this, I know how easy it is to become tangled in thoughts- especially over analyzing emotions and certain situations....sometimes the best thing is to let go and remember things will be healed with time.
I really liked the "occupied" part too. I mean I believe in silence we can find answers, reflecting on our actions and what consequence.....but sometimes idleness just makes us worry more. Until we find what we love to do, we're restless.
A very peaceful and wise piece- my only suggestion would be to not end each line with a period, maybe add a comma or save the period for the end of more than one line? I just feel it could make the stanza flow more naturally.
Enjoyed this :)
Max ( F C D )
I love this poem very good one
5/5 no doubt keep on =)
crishmerl ( F P C D )
Set your mind into other things.
Maybe it will heal your feelings.
Maybe you are looking for a way.
Maybe you are searching for a word to say..
.>yeah, right..in this part tells that sometimes you need space to relax yourself..to set your mind free from stress...avoid from any depression and untoward feelings...(in my part)when i am alone and depress i go to the solemn place where i can relax and ease my mind from any distress...and that's the time i can write more..that i feel i'm full of emotion..every word flows easily into my mind...and this part reminds me the idea of it..
Make yourself occupied.
Do it until you are satisfied.
All things are going to be fine.
The only thing you need is time.
>yeah, sometimes you need to busy yourself to turns out the things that bother you...enjoy other things surround you and you will realize that life is worth to live...think about that when you die and gone in this world missing some important things in your life...so, time is very worthy..you need it..
Almost part of your poem I love to..very meaningful and well-penned..you write it a in very good way...the rhyme and the flows are perfect..great done! 5/5
Paul Gondwe ( F P C D )
I think this is really good and something i really needed. An idle mind is very bad so we must keep our minds occupied with something good. This poem has a good message and you wrote it well.
Xanthe ( F P C D )
You like constructive criticisms, so let me see what I can offer...
The period at each line ruins the flow of the poem, and as already suggested, use punctuation to your advantage; commas, semi-colons, hyphon...
The message is nice and clear. It just seems robotic. Adding a persona would help with making this piece more alive and more relatable. This is straight to the point and it just seems bland. Use metaphors and more 'exciting' verbs.
In my opinion, this line delivers a bad message:
"Just acquire all the things you desire."
---It delivers a wrong message. Perhaps it's not what you intended, but this means you are saying that people should do whatever the hell they want. What if their desire is not good for others? What if they want to kill just because that's their 'desire'? Consider revising this.
And I find myself disagreeing with this line:
"Look onto life. It is simple and plain."
---Life is NOT simple and plain. I advice you to choose your words wisely. Life is a labyrinth, you don't know where you'll end up when you go the wrong direction, it's intricate and complicated, not plain..
Overall, half the message, I like.