True Love (senyru)

by Koan   Feb 16, 2016


Resting on his cane
he smells her scarf once again---
Tears fall on the grave...

4


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Latest Comments

  • 6 years ago

    by mossgirl19

    Touching senryu... beautifully done.

  • 7 years ago

    by Trish

    This touches the reader deeply, excellent.

  • 8 years ago

    by Hellon

    Resting on his cane
    he smells her scarf once again---
    Tears fall on the grave...

    This is really quite beautiful but...it could be better. Your first line is perfect and sets a picture of an elderly man reminiscing on a love that has passed. Your second line (IMO) is lacking something? Smells her scarf is just too ordinary...I'd work in the word inhales somewhere in this line...you can smell dog,cat,meat etc but...inhaling the scent of a loved one is something that will stay in one's memory forever..

    The third line is perfect also so...just play around with the middle one....

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Hello Alfred

    I enjoy attempting senryu (ryu, I think) and always find it a challenge to convey much in so little room, but you have done that here.
    I have a perfect image of an old man resting on his cane who has lost his wife (possibly) and has spent many years visiting the grave, clinging tight to one of her scarves and the scent of her still on it.
    The final "tears fall on the grave " is excellent - a real jolt to the heart.

    Take care and all the best,
    Ben

  • 8 years ago

    by Jyoti Rawat

    Hmmmmmmmm
    nice

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