Submission date : 2007-07-28
Rose not your average ( F P C D )
I think this could have been better, but it was still an amzing poem had a good flow a little bumpy round the edges.
Teria ( F P C D )
I really raelly really like this beautiful piece.
I think it's quite an amazing, poem dear.
There's not really much to say. :/
but, it's amazing.
Mr M ( F P C D )
Well, I thought this has real merit. A word of advice: if you are looking to publish some day, publishers do not want to see archaic language such as thee and thing. They will never publish it. Also a limit on large words like "pulchritudinous" that interupt the rhythm and you need a doctorate to fathom.
still worthy of 5/5 to me
Fsams ( F P C D )
I would consider this one a unique type coz it reflects some element of Shakespears style. Loved the way you put the HUGE words :)
Positive through out all lines
TamborineMan ( C )
Hmm... I'm not quite sure what to make of this poem. The subject matter is somewhat vague. This is further complicated by the imagery you use - at times it doesn't relate to the theme and there aren't any foundations in previous lines to support them. In other words, although it might be clear to you what your symbolism and imagery are referencing, there isn't a precedent for the reader to connect with them - so the significance is lost. (for example 'to be touched by a thousand angels')
Punctuation became distracting and obstructed the flow (you don't need a period at the end of every line - a finished thought is implied unless you change it (with a comma etc))
pulchritudinous - awkward, this type of wording is out of place and doesn't not fit with the word-level of the rest of the poem. It ends up sticking out like a sore thumb and disrupts flow.
Personifying sorrow is an interesting topic for a poem, however each stanza introduces and emotion or idea that is never fully fleshed out. Each line can basically stand alone and is not needed to qualify the line previous to, or after, itself.
example: "left in a blank daze of restless nights"
-how does that relate to the unforgettable beauty of sorrow? What, in the 1st line, implies that the gaze should be blank or the nights sleepless? This is what I mean when I say ideas or symbols are introduced but not articulated on.
Also, introducing religious imagery of a thousand angels alludes to an entire topic that, before that line, isn't even hinted at.
There are a lot of ideas thrown into this poem, and none of them are too refined. Focus on a specific idea and be sure that each line and each stanza appropriately appertains to that specific goal. I know this sounds harsh, but I feel there's a lot of potential here and I would like for you to hear an honest critique that can really help you refine this poem into a very powerful and emotive piece.