Comments : An Apple a Day Will Keep the Doctor Away

  • 9 years ago

    by StandStill

    This was actually really great. it confronts many of the issues of today but in a tender, gentle way. the flow was pretty good actually.

    Come on, hunny, show us that beautiful smile, don't you dare frown
    Walk with your head held high, but keep your eyes on the ground

    instead of the word ground in this stanza, you could say:

    walk with your head held high, but keep your eyes down.

    just a suggestion, because it rhymes that way and thus keeps the flow better. besides that though, wonderful poem. keep it up

  • 9 years ago

    by LOVEmeNOT

    I think its really good.
    I like how you used that phrase to relate it to this problem people have.
    Some words do mess up the flow a little but you always went back which was good. It brought it back. Plus it descriptive and it shows a lot so i think its really good. I'm sure many people can relate b/c its like your telling a story.
    =]
    good poem.

  • 9 years ago

    by EssenceOfLace

    Alright, I think the flow was actually rather good. I have a few suggestions:

    "Your body is to be starved and abused, make it into the perfect mold"

    That is the only line that knocked off the flow for me. I think it sounds better (with the flow) as

    "Your body is to be starved and abused, made into the perfect mold"

    Sounds better (to me) as that.

    Also, in the last stanza, you have the word "preform"
    The correct spelling is "perform".
    Just thought you should know that.

    Also, I think adding some punctuation at the end of some lines would be a good idea. (like periods, and commas).

    The subject of the poem was good, great story. =)

    5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Britni

    This poem is very good. I like the how you did the ending. an apple a day will keep the doctor away. It was very creative. The poem also sounded very believable. It reminded me of a movie I once saw a long time ago. I can't remember the name of it but it had gymnast and her couch told her that she wasn't skinny enough to be in the olympics and he would train her unless she got skinnier. so she did inorder to reach her goal but in the end she distoyed herself.

    anyway, you are seriously an alsome poet.
    ;)

    5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by JustKristina

    ...wow...give me a few minutes to collect my thoughts..

    Hun, you... amaze me! everytime that i think that i have found my favorite poem by you, you have to go and change my mind! Curse you! lol jkjk. so anyway, you did a fantastic job on this, the flow wasn't off, it was great * i tell you, you go on lying again!* This poem has a wonderful message, and you tell it in such a tender, loving way that *hopefully* many people will listen to. I have not been through this before, but i have been close to it, but still, you tugged at my heart with this. Once again, you amaze me! Keep up the freaking amazing work hun! :]

  • 9 years ago

    by noha

    Waw nice work and my favorite part is:Eating only for those around you, your secret they'll never know.
    Everything is perfect, or at least that's what you put in your show,
    The show that you perform everyday, and, sweetie, you're the star
    Don't you even think about giving up, darling, you've made it so far.
    5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by firexdancer

    Wow, this was really good, it dealed with anorexia but in a much gentler way, I really liked it. The flow was actually really smooth, the rhyming seemed really natural and the poem really moved me. I'm going to add it to my favorites. 5/5
    Thank you for writing this wonderful poem,
    ~gabriella

  • 9 years ago

    by Nelle

    This is really good. I loved your word usage, and the flow was great. A lot of people I'm sure can relate to this, I know in a way I can. I didn't really understand where the title fit in until it got closer to the end, but overall it was amazing. Good job babe.

  • 9 years ago

    by Prophecies In Kodak

    Your hard work payed off.

    You can never be too skinny, or at least that's what you've been told.
    Your body is to be starved and abused, made into the perfect mold.
    Hide in your oversized sweaters, so no one can see your hard work.
    Avoid the kitchen at all costs, where disgusting fat and calories lurk.

    My girlfriend was anorexic. So this hit home so hard that it made me start to shake. You have a lot of emotion inside of such a simply rhyme scheme that is enough to affect those of us who can relate the to situation at hand.

    And even those of us who can't or want to be able to understand. The rhyme scheme in this flows to brilliantly and the word choice is simple yet it brings it all together. I'm still shaking because this is quite enjoyable and sadly so true and really hits home for me.

    This poem is an inspirational one, no doubt. You have done an amazing job and I cant critique anything because I wouldnt change one thing about this.

    Excellent job.

  • 9 years ago

    by Blissful

    Oh my I loved this! You took a topic many attempt to write about but miss it's meaning and you took in to another world where I could feel everything this young girl felt. The language you used was flawless and fit everything flawlessly. I thought the flow was great except for in the third stanza where you repeated "show" twice. That made me stumble while I was reading but I quickly picked up momentum from there because everything after that was just flawless.

    I could tell this was well thought out and you worked hard for each detail and the final piece is just amazing. I cannot stop ravinng about it because it truly blew me away. I can't pick a fave part because it all just went together flawlessly.

    Well done *5/5*

  • 9 years ago

    by xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

    Not too bad, Cayce. You're right, the flow wasn't great, but when it comes from the heart, it almost doesn't matter.
    I liked the thought behind the poem, because honesly, I understand.
    However, to say, I didn't <feel> the emotion behind it; I didn't feel the fear and so on.

    However, it was a good poem in the sense that it came from the heart. When it comes from the heart, one can never be too picky. :].

    xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 5.5

  • 9 years ago

    by Gizmo

    You can never be too skinny, or at least that's what you've been told.
    Your body is to be starved and abused, made into the perfect mold.

    - you can never be too skinny thats really strong words with a lot of power between them. i kinda sat up bolt straight once i read the first too lines. knew this was gonna be a long on to right on. rhyme scheme AABB is a simple one to write on. its good but can be toyed with and worked on after time :]

    Hide in your oversized sweaters, so no one can see your hard work.
    Avoid the kitchen at all costs, where disgusting fat and calories lurk
    .
    - theres feeling in the first line of that, liked the context of that line, where disgusting fat and calories lurk, i think you tried a little to hard on this part but again the meaning behind it is good.

    'When family and friends get suspicious, lying will come with ease.
    Words will slip right off your tongue, words you designed to please.'

    - i've never had a eating disorder but i've lied and been addict to other things which i had to lie to my parents about, its true, you get better with lieing until it just comes out- you kinda start to believe it yourself after a while too. its something i can relate to.

    'Everything is perfect, or at least that's what you put in your show'
    - again that ties in with what i said above and the lieing.

    'The show that you perform everyday, and, sweetie, you're the star
    Don't you even think about giving up, darling, you've made it so far.'
    - i like that its like a quote that once you read you no it will stick in your head because its that kind of pharse you don't forget. i like the imagery of life being the show.

    'Just a little bite, a minuscule parcel, when your body starts to sway'
    -that brings the true horrors to your poem crashing down around the reader. and you get filled with saddness.

    'These thought out rules will help you succeed, if you choose to obey.
    So, sweetie, just remember, an apple a day will keep the doctor away.'
    -i like the ending pharse, its kiddies pharse but youve tied it in with such a serious subject. i like the way you done that.

    i kinda just scanned over it again, and thought maybe i've picked the concept up wrong bt i don't think i have :S

    anyway its quite a long comment sorry :[

    good poem

  • 9 years ago

    by Bugg

    I thought the flow was excellent. I really enjoyed reading this. My boyfriend actually suffered from bulimia for a while (I wrote a poem about it - It's Tearing Us Apart -lol-). He's much better now. This piece was well written and alot more people should read it. It's going on my faves list.

    5+ from me!!
    xoxox - Kail

  • 9 years ago

    by A Perfect Lie

    “Your body is to be starved and abused, made into the perfect mold.”

    ==> I love this line, its so true. It's like “As long as you're perfect, who cares what damage you're doing, or how much you're hurting”. It's a sad and scary truth.

    “When family and friends get suspicious, lying will come with ease.
    Words will slip right off your tongue, words you designed to please.”

    ==> I think you've captured this subject so amazingly. I'm anorexic, and I can see myself reflected in this poem so accurately and greatly written.

    “The show that you perform everyday, and, sweetie, you're the star”

    “Don't you even think about giving up, darling, you've made it so far.”

    “Just a little bite, a minuscule parcel, when your body starts to sway.”

    “So, sweetie, just remember, an apple a day will keep the doctor away.”

    ==> I think that this really and truly reflects the 'voice' of the eating disorder,

    I love how you have included this in the poem, and in such a gripping way. Truly amazing writing; the flow was absolutely perfect, the wording arrangement and the vocabulary was outstanding.

    More importantly, the accuracy in, and the meaning behind, this poem is something that is so rare in a poem of this type.

    Perfect- I have no suggestions, and if I were you, I wouldn't change a single word of it. Truly amazing, i'm in total and utter awe of you, and your talent, so well done :)

    5/5