Whiskey My Water

Love the title, caught my attention right away.

"Defenseless my life seems incomplete
As I think of all the unfinished feats
Think of the women who could never satisfy
A sudden disposition to that carnal high"

i, and probably others, can relate to this very well. actually, i can just relate to the whole thing. 5/5

Striking me down like the suns final light"

I am so unbelievably jealous of this sentence. I've never thought about doing something on alcohol, but if I do, I hope it can turn out like yours. uh god

"Lock and load and take a shot at the devil
Hit the floor, lights out, no time to revel" This is my favourite line in the piece, maybe of the month, it gives me the image of Tom Waits knocking it back and rustling up one after the other. I've looked at 3 of your poems and I;m so intrigued, so i defo will be back to see more. Class act

So this will be my second attempt at replying to your poem. I gave you a full shakedown of your poem entirely and it got deleted before i could post. wrote for like 15 minutes. It pissed me off. so here goes a shorter version. I gave 5/5....but 4.25 if rating was accurate. I round up.

The Quietly Versed Shake down:

You Rhythm: Varied at times but you made it work. Took a risk toward the end however the two liners were very powerful.

Your best line:Tears drop, heads drop, hands drop, digress Buckshot will be my bread, whiskey my water

Effect: Very powerful. The reader feels regret and the dim reality of dissatisfaction with self

What does it mean?: A hard working man evidenced by the hands made of splinter, is sitting in a bar reflecting upon his coming of age. As he reflects he focuses on the his lack of accomplishment. The very demon he speaks of seems to be be his lack of truth to self. Like the woman who never satisfies the lust of man, he too can never satisfy the expectations of man or himself. Like any simple man would do he determines there is no time to complain as he takes a shot and kills himself via shot gun.

What I did not like: At times I felt that the rhythm was a little off. Mainly, I would like to beg you to replace the word dynasty with the word travesty. Dynasty seems not to fit because it is too closely associated with power and accomplishment. It is my perception that the speaker does not view his life as a dynasty but rather a travesty. Sometimes writers are guilty of sacrificing the effect of the poem for finding word that rhymes. It is better to keep effect than to keep the rhyme. The good thing is travesty rhymes and fits.

Thank you for writing. You are good, and it nice to see someone who has a passion to not only throw their emotion upon paper, but to use creativity and create a piece of art that can stand out amongst the rambling writes of others.

So this will be my second attempt at replying to your poem. I gave you a full shakedown of your poem entirely and it got deleted before i could post. wrote for like 15 minutes. It pissed me off. so here goes a shorter version.

The Quietly Versed Shake down:

You Rhythm: Varied at times but you made it work. Took a risk toward the end however the two liners were very powerful.

Your best line:Tears drop, heads drop, hands drop, digress Buckshot will be my bread, whiskey my water

Effect: Very powerful. The reader feels regret and the dim reality of dissatisfaction with self

What does it mean?: A hard working man evidenced by the hands made of splinter, is sitting in a bar reflecting upon his coming of age. As he reflects he focuses on the his lack of accomplishment. The very demon he speaks of seems to be be his lack of truth to self. Like the woman who never satisfies the lust of man, he too can never satisfy the expectations of man or himself. Like any simple man would do he determines there is no time to complain as he takes a shot and kills himself via shot gun.

What I did not like: At times I felt that the rhythm was a little off. Mainly, I would like to beg you to replace the word dynasty with the word travesty. Dynasty seems not to fit because it is too closely associated with power and accomplishment. It is my perception that the speaker does not view his life as a dynasty but rather a travesty. Sometimes writers are guilty of sacrificing the effect of the poem for finding word that rhymes. It is better to keep effect than to keep the rhyme. The good thing is travesty rhymes and fits.

Thank you for writing. You are good, and it nice to see someone who has a passion to not only throw their emotion upon paper, but to use creativity and create a piece of art that can stand out amongst the rambling writes of others.

Here's to you 5/5