Comments : Whispered Rhymes on Ink Stained Pages

  • 9 years ago

    by Kayla

    Line after line, scrawled across the page in blue ink,
    Words bleeding onto paper, describing a life that's on the brink,
    The tears keep coming, the pen in her hand moves ever faster,
    The letters become blurred, but the rhymes continue to grasp her.

    [ This stanza was so super realistic, actually. I could just picture you, or even myself, doing this. I think many could relate. ]

    The scratching noises of her pen, form a melody for only her to keep,
    Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep,
    And as she rests her tired eyes, the rhymes continue to whisper in her head,
    Soothing her battered aching soul, washing away her fears and silent dread.

    [ Mmm.. now this one gave me shivers, honestly. The vocabulary was just unqiue and spooky in a way. Like a ghost whispering the rhyme. Loved it. ]

    Then once again when the morning comes, she finds herself awake,
    The words she's written, scribbles on paper, wondering if her life was a mistake,
    She gathers the ink stained pages, strewn all across the floor,
    She hides her words, her truths, and once again locks that emotional door.

    [ Omg.. the last part of that stanza was absolutely perfect. I think it would have even worked if you stuck it at the end of the poem. XD !!! Talent, my dear. ]

    Washing the tear tracks from her cheeks, again she puts in place her iron mask,
    Holding in her tears, hushing the whispered rhymes, she smiles so no one will think to ask,
    No she's not okay, she doesn't know who she is, or what to do anymore,
    But she has the lines and lines she writes, keeping her company lying on the floor.

    [ Now this is something that I know I can definitely relate to. The iron mask... hiding tears. Gosh woman, where do you come up with this stuff? I love it! I need you need to help me with my poetry sometime. This played in my head like a movie. ]

    She keeps telling herself she'll be okay in the end, that things will get better soon,
    Maybe it's all just in her head, and all she has to do is sing a different tune,
    She struggles to write a different kind of line, with the rhymes that are always there,
    The right words won't seem to form, so she takes her pen and writes "I'll be okay, I swear."

    [ Wow.. such a sad ending. But, it was unexpecting to me, personally. I didn't see the whole "I'll be okay, I swear" thing about to happen. But it did XD It was great! Amazing super awesome talent. LOVE YA BABE! ]

    Yes yes.. you know what this means? A 5/5 from Kayla! <3 <3 <3 <3

    ~Kayla~

  • 9 years ago

    by Fake Facade

    Washing the tear tracks from her cheeks, again she puts in place her iron mask,
    Holding in her tears, hushing the whispered rhymes, she smiles so no one will think to ask,

    ^i love these lines the most.

    this is a really really really good poem.
    wonderful.
    going in my favourites.

    This poem really flowed and was a really strong well written piece.

  • 9 years ago

    by Nobodys Hero

    This poem was perfectly written
    Everything about it is excellent
    =]
    Awsum job! I was just checking through my favs and i realized i had yet to see this poem
    Great work

  • 9 years ago

    by firexdancer

    Absolutely...amazing.
    You are just such a good writer Kris! Your poems reflect who you are and how you percieve the world.
    This poem was just exquisite, the rhyming and word choice was effortless, so perfectly smooth.
    "Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep"
    ^This line was definitely one of my favorites, and I loved how you incorporated writing into the entire poem, it was one thing that really perfected it.
    5/5
    ~Gaby

  • 9 years ago

    by Quintarae

    Can't help but agree wit jess. great work best that i've read so far. 5/5 :-)

  • 9 years ago

    by Lu

    The scratching noises of her pen, form a melody for only her to keep,
    Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep,
    And as she rests her tired eyes, the rhymes continue to whisper in her head,
    Soothing her battered aching soul, washing away her fears and silent dread.
    ^^^
    This part has so many things I can relate to .... Exhausted tears beg for release and peace but the mind keeps spitting rhyme to the beat of misery.

    But she has the lines and lines she writes, keeping her company lying on the floor.
    ^^^
    I love this line .... we feel all alone, but yet the lines we string from our hearts reveal the pain we hold inside.

    You have penned a very sad piece here .... you have revealed the heart "of a poet so well"

    Write to release the tears, to feel so not alone, and in the end to make us feel "we will be ok"
    Sometimes we think we are only trying to fool ourselves ... but sometimes the heart just needs to release the pain to feel "anything at all"

    Very soul touching read, well done
    Luanne

  • 9 years ago

    by Prophecies In Kodak

    Normally I dont go for poems in this context, but the sadness in the first few lines really put it into perspective for me that this is a poem I really didnt want to pass up. I was correct.

    The emotion you have here is so incredibly intense. There are so many details and so many ways that the reader could relate. But it is much more personal as well, it kind of has a thin border between relatable and personal. Your vocabulary brought it beautifully together.

    "The scratching noises of her pen, form a melody for only her to keep,
    Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep"

    That stuck out to me the most. It has a lot of details inside of it that make it almost able for the reader to see. I like poems like that the best. But it's so sad you almost dont want to see it. The rest of the poem is incredible as well, but the detail just overwhelmed me there.

    You did a very nice job here.

  • Well i though it was great. i love the ending.all i have to say is wow!.

  • 9 years ago

    by Kyle

    Yet again another masterpiece painted with incredible imagery.
    You definately have a way with words.
    5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by claire

    Brilliant writing . . the first bit reminds me of me when i write at night, the rest makes me wonder if all true pain is secret, and whether people i know go through it like that, alone - anyway great job making me think, and great writing!

  • 9 years ago

    by Nobody

    This is one of the best poems i have ever read it was so emtional and it had so much meaning i loved every line and word it was truly amazing you are so talented keep writing 5/5 xxx <33

  • 9 years ago

    by Still Slightly Broken

    Wow.
    Such a powerful and emotional piece.
    It gave me shivers as I read it.

    The scratching noises of her pen, form a melody for only her to keep,
    Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep,
    And as she rests her tired eyes, the rhymes continue to whisper in her head,
    Soothing her battered aching soul, washing away her fears and silent dread.

    That was my favourite part.

    Really great.
    Keep it up :)

    5/5 I'd say.

    xx

  • 9 years ago

    by Keegan

    Wow! that's my only words i can say right now is wow ha ha it was like perfect in some weird way.

    I loved it so keep it up =]
    5/5 always

  • 9 years ago

    by Dreamofolwin

    This is the first time i have read one of your poems, and i have to say it was totaly UNREAL!! The describing words u use just hypmotize the reader! of which many im sure can relate to this poem. I had to reread and reread it, it was so amazing! my marks for it??.... 5+++( fav. words u have used for me are...rhymes continue to grasp!!!...so they DO!) love it, complete MASTERPIECE.

  • 9 years ago

    by Cayce

    I loved this poem. It was definitely long, but you held my attention throughout the whole piece. I can relate to this, and I'm pretty sure almost everyone on this site can. You vent through your poems, so you don't show any signs of pain around people.

    You're imagrey in this was amazing. I got this picture of a girl writing furiously, then falling asleep at her desk, pen in hand. Then, waking up to find all these pages she had written he thoughts out on thrown across the room. It's like it's the only way she can let out her feelings.. the only escape.

    Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep,
    `` I looove this line. It flows so well, and the last part is really unique. Usually people would say "Cries herself to sleep", but writing yourself to sleep, I think really describes a poet. It's like you have so many things to write you end up falling asleep before you can finish.

    The right words won't seem to form, so she takes her pen and writes "I'll be okay, I swear."
    `` I think she's trying to convince herself that she'll be okay one day, but really at the back of her mind, she knows she won't. She lies to herself, because she doesn't want to believe the truth.. I could be totally wrong about this, but it's what I got from it. It was a great ending by the way, leaves the reader wondering and wanting more of the story.

    Brilliantly written. :]

    Keep writing!

    .||CAYYCE||.

  • 9 years ago

    by Skyfire

    "She struggles to write a different kind of line, with the rhymes that are always there,
    The right words won't seem to form, so she takes her pen and writes "I'll be okay, I swear." "

    This was an absolutely amazing ending to a marvelous piece.

  • 9 years ago

    by AlongfortheRide

    Totally speechless... Very good write, didn't expect the end... This poem is going to my favorites... Keep up the good work.

  • 8 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    "Line after line, scrawled across the page in blue ink,
    Words bleeding onto paper, describing a life that's on the brink,
    The tears keep coming, the pen in her hand moves ever faster,
    The letters become blurred, but the rhymes continue to grasp her"

    ^^ Beautiful, beautiful opening..however, I don't like the constant use of "the" ..maybe :

    Tears keep coming, pen in her hand moves ever faster,
    Letters become blurred, but rhymes continue to grasp her"

    I don't think you need them and find it to flow better without them.

    "The scratching noises of her pen, form a melody for only her to keep,
    Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep,
    And as she rests her tired eyes, the rhymes continue to whisper in her head,
    Soothing her battered aching soul, washing away her fears and silent dread "

    Another powerful and gripping stanza, I really liked this verse, the emotion and depth in these four lines is beautifully created and brought up so many conflicting emotions for me as the reader. However, again I noticed a few filler words which I thought spoiled the flow a little. Maybe :

    Scratching noises of her pen, form a melody for only her to keep,
    Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep,
    As she rests her tired eyes, rhymes continue to whisper in her head,
    Soothing her battered aching soul, washing away her fears and silent dread

    "Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep"

    ^^ LOVE that line, that line made the whole verse for me.

    "Then once again when the morning comes, she finds herself awake,
    The words she's written, scribbles on paper, wondering if her life was a mistake,
    She gathers the ink stained pages, strewn all across the floor,
    She hides her words, her truths, and once again locks that emotional door"

    For some reason I find the flow to be of on the second and fourth line here, maybe something like :

    Then once again when the morning comes, she finds herself awake,
    Words she's written, scribbles on paper, wondering if life was a mistake,
    She gathers the ink stained pages, strewn all across the floor,
    Hiding words, her truths, once again locking that emotional door

    Or something along those lines.

    However I really liked this verse, so many people put on a mask and pretend everything is okay when it isn't and you manage to capture that really well here.

    "Washing the tear tracks from her cheeks, again she puts in place her iron mask,
    Holding in her tears, hushing the whispered rhymes, she smiles so no one will think to ask,
    No she's not okay, she doesn't know who she is, or what to do anymore,
    But she has the lines and lines she writes, keeping her company lying on the floor"

    ^^ LOVE this stanza, my favourite so far. Such melancholy and filled with so much depth and emotion, and something so many writers can relate to which of course makes it all the more powerful.

    "She keeps telling herself she'll be okay in the end, that things will get better soon,
    Maybe it's all just in her head, and all she has to do is sing a different tune,
    She struggles to write a different kind of line, with the rhymes that are always there,
    The right words won't seem to form, so she takes her pen and writes "I'll be okay, I swear." "

    ^^ I really like the transistion here, throughout the piece it's all about despair and lies and yet here in this stanza even though there's still hints of sadness there's also possible hope, and I thought it made for a powerful affect.

    In my opinion, one of your best.

  • 8 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    "Line after line, scrawled across the page in blue ink,
    Words bleeding onto paper, describing a life that's on the brink,
    The tears keep coming, the pen in her hand moves ever faster,
    The letters become blurred, but the rhymes continue to grasp her"

    ^^ Beautiful, beautiful opening..however, I don't like the constant use of "the" ..maybe :

    Tears keep coming, pen in her hand moves ever faster,
    Letters become blurred, but rhymes continue to grasp her"

    I don't think you need them and find it to flow better without them.

    "The scratching noises of her pen, form a melody for only her to keep,
    Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep,
    And as she rests her tired eyes, the rhymes continue to whisper in her head,
    Soothing her battered aching soul, washing away her fears and silent dread "

    Another powerful and gripping stanza, I really liked this verse, the emotion and depth in these four lines is beautifully created and brought up so many conflicting emotions for me as the reader. However, again I noticed a few filler words which I thought spoiled the flow a little. Maybe :

    Scratching noises of her pen, form a melody for only her to keep,
    Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep,
    As she rests her tired eyes, rhymes continue to whisper in her head,
    Soothing her battered aching soul, washing away her fears and silent dread

    "Lullabies that hypnotize, as she writes herself to sleep"

    ^^ LOVE that line, that line made the whole verse for me.

    "Then once again when the morning comes, she finds herself awake,
    The words she's written, scribbles on paper, wondering if her life was a mistake,
    She gathers the ink stained pages, strewn all across the floor,
    She hides her words, her truths, and once again locks that emotional door"

    For some reason I find the flow to be of on the second and fourth line here, maybe something like :

    Then once again when the morning comes, she finds herself awake,
    Words she's written, scribbles on paper, wondering if life was a mistake,
    She gathers the ink stained pages, strewn all across the floor,
    Hiding words, her truths, once again locking that emotional door

    Or something along those lines.

    However I really liked this verse, so many people put on a mask and pretend everything is okay when it isn't and you manage to capture that really well here.

    "Washing the tear tracks from her cheeks, again she puts in place her iron mask,
    Holding in her tears, hushing the whispered rhymes, she smiles so no one will think to ask,
    No she's not okay, she doesn't know who she is, or what to do anymore,
    But she has the lines and lines she writes, keeping her company lying on the floor"

    ^^ LOVE this stanza, my favourite so far. Such melancholy and filled with so much depth and emotion, and something so many writers can relate to which of course makes it all the more powerful.

    "She keeps telling herself she'll be okay in the end, that things will get better soon,
    Maybe it's all just in her head, and all she has to do is sing a different tune,
    She struggles to write a different kind of line, with the rhymes that are always there,
    The right words won't seem to form, so she takes her pen and writes "I'll be okay, I swear." "

    ^^ I really like the transistion here, throughout the piece it's all about despair and lies and yet here in this stanza even though there's still hints of sadness there's also possible hope, and I thought it made for a powerful affect.

    In my opinion, one of your best.

  • 8 years ago

    by Em

    Speechless, 5/5. Em xx