Comments : The neverending story

  • 15 years ago

    by BlueEyedMystery

    First of all I love the title, because it reminds me of a movie I use to love. :]

    Wow. Your vocabulary was really good. It was intellegent, but it wasn't overdone where you have to look up what a word means every five seconds.

    Through our eyes we see
    and with our ears we hear
    but the mind plays tricks
    and will end with a tear

    ^^ That was a great opening stanza. It definitely captures the readers attention and draws them in.

    everyday the same
    the morbid illusion of a world so sad
    but is that really what is meant to be?
    something so real it drives you mad?

    ^^ Powerful stanza. It definitely makes me think, because of the last two lines. The very last line keeps repeating in my mind..

    cause imagination will forever stay
    and we can only pray
    for our Garden Of Eden to be felt
    and for an eternity in our hearts to be held

    ^^ I loved the first line, but I think this stanza's flow was a [little] rocky, but easily fixed. I think the second line needs a few more syllables. Other than that it was great.

    An illusion of a perfect world
    and my mind makes me feel
    though I'm fast asleep
    that this world is for real

    ^^ I think the first line is the strongest here. It connects with me somehow. A lot of things you've said so far in this poem have connected with me. My dark sad side.

    but when night turns into day
    and my eyes fall asleep
    I will be cold and alone
    and surrender to the deep

    ^^ I love how you say "When night turns to day" instead of "When day turns to night". "surrender to the deep" <---- That was a great ending! It's definitely something that will stick out in the readers mind.

    The was a very powerful piece, I seriously loved it. The only other suggestion I'd give you is the add punctuation. It really helps the flow of a poem.

    Amazing.

    [Nominating this for the contest.]

    Keep writing!
    Cayce

  • 15 years ago

    by noha

    Nice work mark, nice title and nice story,flow isgood and rhyme too,i love the first stanze its berfect to me eyes,ears,mind ,tears,waw.
    and second stanza how you descrbe the real life you write it in interest way.
    3rd and 4th i feel like you show us how it is to be its nice way.
    great end about night and day,about things we wish to come true but what a life!!!
    well done 5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Spoken Silence

    "Through our eyes we see
    and with our ears we hear
    but the mind plays tricks
    and will end with a tear"

    I like the rhyme scheme you put here and the references with the 5 senses created a greater passion in the poem.

    "everyday the same
    the morbid illusion of a world so sad
    but is that really what is meant to be?
    something so real it drives you mad?"

    I understand you here, so many thoughts and issues gather in the world how bad can it be? its horrible. Those are both the questions that people ask themselves but it's never spoken, and its great how you put it in a poem.

    "An illusion of a perfect world
    and my mind makes me feel
    though I'm fast asleep
    that this world is for real"

    Amazing, a perfect world that only can last in a persons own mind. Reality is nothing but perfect but a person can create perfection of what a world should be like in the dead of night, as they lay to rest.

    "but when night turns into day
    and my eyes fall asleep
    I will be cold and alone
    and surrender to the deep "

    Deep emotion here, I loved it. Great flow of the poem I really really did enjoy reading this.great write!

  • 15 years ago

    by Elizabeth

    WOW This is my favourite poem I have ever read!!! I loved every part of it You definately captured me to read it and I couldn't stop It was really beautiful and your very talented

    XX =)