I really liked the way you rhymed without sounding forced. Very lyrical.
9 years ago
by Christopher Hantman
I really like the last line,
but i think it would flow better if it were all in 4 line stanzas (i can tell its written to be that way just spaced differently) other than that good job and keep up the great work.
Another really relatable poem. I really like the rhyme scheme you have going here without it being 4-line stanzas like normal. This is truly really impressive. Even though it's a collab it seems as if it's one voice so excellent job with that. You have a way with words dear. 5/5
"A tear in the fabric of reality
An illusion or the truth?"
^^ WHat a truly beautiful opening here, these lines hold so much depth and power in such few words that it instantly draws the reader into the piece and has them hooked, wanting to read more.
"The ashes of your awakening
Delusions of your youth."
^^ These lines follow the opening couplet beautifully, so much emotion and depth again while tinged with sadness brings out many conflicting emotions for the reader.
"The dreams you once had
Have become warped and twisted.
Refrain from the thoughts you have
Tremble on what once existed."
^^Easily my favourite lines so far, I find these to be incredibly powerful, filled with melacnholy yet simeutaneously beautifully and elegantly written.
"Slip away from your morality
As your essence becomes frayed
Lose the battle against insanity
These skies are turning grey."
^^ Again these lines follow the last beautifully, the sadness in these lines is almost overwhelming, the portrayal of slowly losing the battle is well shown here and I can feel my heart drop in sorrow.
"Fall back into the dust
As your vision becomes obscured
Scream into the face of lust
Stand where death once lured."
^^ The imagery in these lines is beautifully done, it creates such striking visuals for the reader, and these lines hold so much power within the written words.
"A taste for vengeance
The seed of your betrayal
Losing grip as my head spins
Seeking truth but lies prevail."
^^ Oh my..wow. These lines..jeez, I love them..I'm not sure I would ever be able to sum up just how much I adore these lines...I find these lines to hold so much impact, and the last line especially is hard hitting and intense.
"Fading into the darkness
What once was can never be
You're living off my weakness
Captivity will never set me free."
^^ I love the anquish and sorrow portrayed within this part, and I find it to be mixed with resentment which makes for a powerful transition.
"Slap on that smile
Again, another day
I'm living in denial
Because there's no sun after the rain."
^^ I'm not to keen on this, imply because the rest of the piece rhymed and this didn't, and I found it to break the flow and let down the rest of the piece which is incredibly strong throughout only to be left with a weak ending. Maybe edit around and see if you can change it round to rhyme?
That being said, I frikken love this piece.
You can always tell when a collab is good when you can't tell who wrote what, as is the case here.