Comments : Smothered

  • 9 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    I was captivated by the plot. I could feel the emotion your word choice and flow is just amazing

  • 9 years ago

    by Lindsay

    Good write, though it felt very rant/vent ish to me. Not a bad thing in the least, but not what I was expecting. This peom very obviously reflects your stressful time right now, I noticed that you havnt written in a while for the reasons you posted in the forums, and I can see how this poem spawned from that atmosphere.
    At first I didnt quite catch your lines, but I believe you sucessfully attempted:
    a
    a
    b
    b

    c
    d
    c
    d
    ??? Thats what I saw anyways. Rather complicated, and that pleased me. I rarely see those now-a-days, its mostly abab.
    The end was my favorite. Made mee feel like a man was rushing about trying to hand someone an important document, and in the end, tossed the damned thing in the garbage just as the person turned to recieve it.
    Thats the feeling I got, and I hope I got it right.

  • 9 years ago

    by noha

    I can't disassociate myself from this endless eternity,
    I feel like I'm smothered in a diminished fraternity,
    Suffering as a pawn in a sadistic maestro's game,
    All the while dodging ballistics flying at my brain,
    i like the starting to give imagination of what in your head and how you feel to make us read to find how it would be next,

    I swear I hear screams in my head as I fall asleep,
    This life is anything but what it was meant to be,
    I fear I'll die if I lay and let my thoughts creep,
    Because shattered hopes and dreams are all I see,
    this is how everything become more and more you screem but the only one is you who can hear,nice rhyme and flow in this stanza.

    All the feelings of being alone for so long,
    All of these things trying to destroy my brain,
    All those empty promises that turned out wrong,
    Seem to be succeeding as they drive me insane,
    its clear now how this feeling and being alone destroy your brain,drive you to be insane.

    I search frantically like a man who has lost it all,
    Silently screaming insanity in my head as I fall,
    Images of death and misery are quick to be a friend,
    But friends like these - will lead me to my end,
    this is my favoraite part as you reach to the finall place its when you fall and i like how you make death as a frind.

    Following broken hopes to darker paths of destruction,
    I'm lost and can't find my way back to myself,
    I'd cry tears of joy if I could just find one instruction,
    Praying every night, "Please god, just leave it on the shelf"
    nice words you use here and in this bart my eyes full of tears,i know how its be to look for your hope but its broken and you lost and you cant find the way to back,we got nothing but we pray and cry to find our way,well done.
    But I'm already crying, depressed and alone in my room,
    Still I'm lost, surrounded by a cloud of gloom,
    Finally finding a sprinkle of life as it's uncovered,
    But it's far too late now - I've already been smothered.
    good end but sad that its too late for doing anything.
    i enjoy reading and comment it keep write like this 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    This is very intense and emotional piece from the beginning to the end. You managed to express feelings on very captivating and sincere way and I believe that many people can interpret this in their own way and relate to some parts of the poem.
    I have one suggestion: You wrote 'endless eternity' in the first stanza and those two words hold too similar meaning so you can maybe replace the word 'endless' with some more powerful expression.
    All in all, I could feel everything that you expressed here, which is great and the whole poem flows really well. You can maybe rearrange punctuation on some places because it would be more effective if every line doesn't end with comma.
    My favorite lines are:

    - I feel like I'm smothered in a diminished fraternity,
    Suffering as a pawn in a sadistic maestro's game,
    All the while dodging ballistics flying at my brain,-
    ^^^
    This is truly amazing and enchantingly dark. I love your choice of words here.

    5/5 from me

  • 9 years ago

    by Allisha

    Good poem. You are a great writer. 5/5.

  • 9 years ago

    by michael

    I liked it Alot , the words you used were amazing and how you made them flow like it was easy...

    Great job keep writing.

  • 9 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    Excellent write...
    the first two stanzas are so powerful... so much emotion is reflected...

    "I can't disassociate myself from this endless eternity,
    I feel like I'm smothered in a diminished fraternity,
    Suffering as a pawn in a sadistic maestro's game,
    All the while dodging ballistics flying at my brain,"

    ^^ great choice of words...it makes an impact on the reader... the last two lines are amazing.. i really liked them..

    "I swear I hear screams in my head as I fall asleep,
    This life is anything but what it was meant to be,
    I fear I'll die if I lay and let my thoughts creep,
    Because shattered hopes and dreams are all I see,"

    ^^ again... excellently described...the suffocation inside could be felt by the reader...

    The word choice in the first few stanza is so brilliant that the middle stanza fail to make that much impact... thats what i felt...

    but it was a very good read... brilliant work..

  • 9 years ago

    by BrokenREALiTy

    I can't disassociate myself from this endless eternity,
    I feel like I'm smothered in a diminished fraternity,
    Suffering as a pawn in a sadistic maestro's game,
    All the while dodging ballistics flying at my brain,
    `First line made me go, Eh -- "endless eternity" is a tad bit overused -- but as I continued, I found that the imagery here was absolutely stunning. Never seen those word choices used before "sadistic maestro's game" -- quite fascinating, and it really drew me in.

    I swear I hear screams in my head as I fall asleep,
    This life is anything but what it was meant to be,
    I fear I'll die if I lay and let my thoughts creep,
    Because shattered hopes and dreams are all I see,
    `For some reason, "head" seems like a weak and awkward choice, but then there aren't many other words to replace that. The diction here though, I adored. The second line stuck out beautifully -- a very universal thought that we all share at one point on our lives. The rhyming of "see" and "be" made me frown though.

    All the feelings of being alone for so long,
    All of these things trying to destroy my brain,
    `Repeat of brain ... And these two lines just didn't do it for me. I felt they were flimsy, and I had the urge to twitch...

    All those empty promises that turned out wrong,
    `But I like this line very much. I don't know why, I just do.

    Seem to be succeeding as they drive me insane,
    `Hm, I think this stanza ... The syllabication makes it awkward. It starts out Eh, and ends with a (good) Hm.

    I search frantically like a man who has lost it all,
    Silently screaming insanity in my head as I fall,
    `Reuse of head ! I don't know why, but it bugs me. Captivating lines though, if I do say so myself.

    Images of death and misery are quick to be a friend,
    But friends like these - will lead me to my end,
    `The "a" stuck in there dents the flow. Just mildly, but for me, noticable.

    Following broken hopes to darker paths of destruction,
    I'm lost and can't find my way back to myself,
    I'd cry tears of joy if I could just find one instruction,
    Praying every night, "Please god, just leave it on the shelf"
    `That last line ... felt like a forced rhyme. I like the imagery it depicts, but still: forced. But the other three lines? Absolutely amazing. Last line aside, my favourite stanza. It portrays most teenage years of one's life to me -- and many of the adults in this world's strife, all the same, which makes it stunning.

    But I'm already crying, depressed and alone in my room,
    Still I'm lost, surrounded by a cloud of gloom,
    Finally finding a sprinkle of life as it's uncovered,
    But it's far too late now - I've already been smothered.
    `Gorgeous ending. But the beginning -- with "room" and "gloom" -- I laughed. At the word choice. It's kind of funky. "Alone in my room" just doesn't seem needed, but there must've been a reason for it so *shrugs.

    Overall, it was pretty darned good. Very striking -- a universal portrayal of life, although maybe most aren't this ... I don't want to say dramatic, but I can't seek another word at the moment. The diction, at times was amazing, and at others...not so much. All in all, though, worthy of much praise.

    --..__MiNDYY

  • 9 years ago

    by iloveyouandrew

    This poem makes me feel very deeply because I feel that way...I love this poem great usuage of words..5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Krayz Lyfe

    I know exactly how u feel about the screams i mean i hear screams in my head from everything that surrounds me and the way u put it into words how u put everything into words was just WOW i mean ive been writing for 3 years and i could never explain something so terrible in such a beautiful way if that makes any sense. i mean i have poems about how i want to die and/or escape from all of it but they're not as good as what u have written. you are a really great poet 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Falling Under

    This is deep, but really good, maybe someday when i get older ill write something as well as this.

  • 7 years ago

    by melissa greene

    This was a woderfully written poem. It truly touched me in a way I can't explain. It had so much emotion hidden in each line.