Comments : As Quiet River Runs (Licentia Rhyme) revised

  • 9 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Debbie,

    I read it twice and I wonder what it is you have changed....
    the first time I read it it was more...natural idk...hard to define. It is still very beautiful though. That one sentence about the carrying of the goodbye makes me feel so melancholic.
    You are my absolute favorite poetess:)

    Hugs,

    Ingrid

  • 9 years ago

    by Cindy

    Debbie
    This is one of my favorites of all your poems. It is such a heartfelt write and the imagery is fantastic.

    Soft feathers of wind tickling sleep, you are there
    As you always were, hint of gold in your hair
    On the bank embracing , kissing through the tears
    As if forever held no place in our fears
    Lazy slumber lingered with our warm embrace
    On fragrant bed of Violets and Queen Anne's lace
    You were laughing, we sent wishes to the sky
    Never knew those seedlings carried our goodbye

    Thes lines always make me cry..they take me back to happier times in my life. You never know when that last good-bye will come. So treasure and hold close to your heart the ones you love.

    Skeletal branches plead for another start
    Quiet river swells, her melancholy song
    Remainders of a feeling, now love has gone
    Wild flower remnants lie dry beneath bruised feet
    "Please return"- repeats in every anguished beat
    Clouds aloft bring home what I cannot deny
    Change has come as snowflakes dance in Winter sky

    The anguish of the heart that has lost it's true love. so sad.

    Willing you back where I've been lonesome so long
    Lying safe in my arms on new velvet grass
    Feeling at home when you are with me at last
    Love's quiet river flowing on as before
    On to forever to be lonely no more
    And we'll be laughing, watching storm clouds float by
    Holding dreams and wishes we've cast to the sky

    I love the ending. The promise of forever together. Gives one something to hang on to when all seems lost.

    ~Bravo~Bravo~
    Love Cindy

  • 9 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    ^While ancient stones carried with snow melt go by
    Still my form did quiet starling's lonely cry
    Gnarled log my canopy dimpled brilliant sun
    Dreams capturing day as quiet river runs
    Soft feathers of wind tickling sleep, you are there
    As you always were, hint of gold in your hair
    On the bank embracing , kissing through the tears
    As if forever held no place in our fears
    Lazy slumber lingered with our warm embrace
    On fragrant bed of Violets and Queen Anne's lace
    You were laughing, we sent wishes to the sky
    Never knew those seedlings carried our goodbye^

    Excellent word choice and flow.

    Oh the Springtime! New love's promise just begun
    Recall memories as quiet river runs
    Sleep has gone, love has flown, drifting lonely breeze
    Wild geese cry in sympathy above bare trees
    Vernal chill invades this trembling shattered heart
    Skeletal branches plead for another start
    Quiet river swells, her melancholy song
    Remainders of a feeling, now love has gone
    Wild flower remnants lie dry beneath bruised feet
    "Please return"- repeats in every anguished beat
    Clouds aloft bring home what I cannot deny
    Change has come as snowflakes dance in Winter sky

    Picture painting imagery. And the flow continues........clever and creative.

    A walk into the void, what's left of you there
    Can still close my eyes, sparkling gold in your hair
    Quiet river silent, left waiting for the Spring
    As I, for dandelion wishes to bring
    Waiting for violets and lost starling's song
    Willing you back where I've been lonesome so long
    Lying safe in my arms on new velvet grass
    Feeling at home when you are with me at last
    Love's quiet river flowing on as before
    On to forever to be lonely no more
    And we'll be laughing, watching storm clouds float by
    Holding dreams and wishes we've cast to the sky

    No forced rhyming in this piece. A beautiful work of art. This is one deserving of the front page. Excellent job!

  • 9 years ago

    by Lu

    Debbie ... Debbie ... Debbie

    I can not even begin to tell you the feeling I got while reading this piece. It is as though you dipped your pen in golden ink and colored the sky.

    Vernal chill invades this trembling shattered heart
    Skeletal branches plead for another start
    Quiet river swells, her melancholy song
    Remainders of a feeling, now love has gone
    Wild flower remnants lie dry beneath bruised feet
    "Please return"- repeats in every anguished beat
    ^^^
    This part touched me so much ....

    The ending so beautifully penned!

    Skeletal branches plead for another start <---- brilliant wording!

    The imagery is amazing .... the form ... well I can't even imagine trying to tackle this one ... lol

    There is no form out there that I think you can not master with style and the flowing ink of brilliance.

    Excellent read Debbie ....
    And this is what P&Q visitors and future members should see when entering this site ....

    Luanne

  • 9 years ago

    by Lu

    Congrats Debbie!
    Very worthy of the front pages my friend. Exactly what visitors and new members of P&Q should see upon entering this site.
    Penned with excellence!

    Luanne

  • 9 years ago

    by Dark Secrets

    This poem is sooo beautiful... I love it, I like poems which have a optimistic idea to them, and this one's just wonderful

  • 9 years ago

    by Cindy

    Congrats my beautiful sister :) I'm so proud to see this on the front page...LOL...and it is more then just your family members who think you are deserving :)
    I love you
    Cindy

  • 9 years ago

    by Barry

    From where I am......Ha...
    Your beautiful words are as smooth as gossamer strands in the first rays of dawn
    My comment of no importance in such talented company on P&Q.....

    To read such worded beauty is all I can ever ask....

    My appreciation to many who write so beautifully on this site, none so more than you..... Love

  • 9 years ago

    by debbylyn

    ^ Thanks for that Meg!!!! I love it!!!

  • 9 years ago

    by Prasad Ramesh Baadkar

    That was excellent n lovely one from d 100 plus existing n created poetic forms....

    Keep it up..

    Best wishz... Karan

  • 9 years ago

    by PHOEBIX

    Absolutely stunning. Bravo! *standing ovation*

  • 9 years ago

    by PHOEBIX

    Absolutely stunning. Bravo! *standing ovation* :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Marcus blake

    Nice! keep it up i like it

  • 9 years ago

    by Syrus

    Amazing work of artistic views. melancholy...