Comments : The Brutality within

  • 9 years ago

    by PygmyPuff

    "burning coldness"
    ^^I like the imagery.

    and how the last stanza has an extra line (just the two words) for an added effect. Maybe you could put a break after "operation" for a bit more, but itsd fine without.

  • 9 years ago

    by Robert Anthony

    I agree with the people who commented you before, I loved it...Nice! 6/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    As you may have gathered from my previous comments, I am a huge fan of your style of writing so I well attempt to interpret this poem from my point of view

    by Finalgravedigger

    "Surrounded by burning coldness and false hope
    these feelings inside are ones that I cannot cope
    through this blizzard my beliefs crumble and fall
    as I'm left on the snow barely able to crawl."

    This quatrain reflects the almost unbearable cold reality of life as we know it sometimes

    "My face is implanted in everlasting numbness
    leaving my ideals to the engulfing darkness
    slowly anger and hate consume the void
    as I become bitterly petrified and annoyed."

    I believe even the strongest among us been at one time or another driven to this point

    "A beast that is brutality starts to emerge
    as fangs, claws, and rage converge,
    eyes that are red spell insanity
    this ghastly figure of mine many call profanity."
    I also believe that beast lives in all of us

    "Now I'm transported to the land of red
    where confusion and chaos are bred
    back on 4 legs ready for vengeance
    with this destructive soul let operation
    revenge commence."

    To each his own but this is destructive soul is exactly what I am attempting to escape yet the vengeance and venom is still reflected in many of my poems, because my soon to be ex wife seems to have betrayed me

    Excellent poem

  • 9 years ago

    by The Joker

    I like it. The vocab(sorry my english is a bit off) is very nice. I can't stand poems wihtout it. Vey short and simple. Nicely done.-_-

  • 9 years ago

    by H E Losey

    Your energy is obvious in this write but your metre is so diverse it is impossible to get any smoth verbal flow. Try for more continuity of metre throughout your writing.

  • 9 years ago

    by Janalicious14

    Wow the poem is nice and well written!
    Surrounded by burning coldness and false hope
    -this line is awsome! BURNING COLDNESS!!
    nice use of words!
    5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    Well written...
    good imagery and nice word choice...
    the flow is good...

    'My face is implanted in everlasting numbness
    Leaving my ideals to the engulfing darkness
    Slowly anger and hate consume the void
    As I become bitterly petrified and annoyed.'

    ^^ wonderful lines... it relflects so much pain and anger..

    good write..

    keep writing..

  • 9 years ago

    by CHOKE

    Hello love, i haven't been writing lately. i'm sorry i just kind of disappeared. but, now i have returned and your poems seem to have gotten even better! my favorite stanza in this one would have to be:
    "A beast that is brutality starts to emerge
    As fangs, claws, and rage converge,
    Eyes that are red spell insanity
    This ghastly figure of mine many call profanity."
    i absolutely loved it, but i loved the rest also! picking a favorite stanza was difficult! =P
    anyway, as always 5/5!

  • 9 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    Overall, I like this piece a lot. It is powerful and memorable, you managed to create truly captivating dark atmosphere. The only thing I didn't quite like are your rhymes, they did create good rhythm but they're a bit predictable and common. Other than that, this is truly great dark poem. The imagery that you portrayed is very vivid, every stanza holds effective descriptions. Also, I like your choice of words, it's great.
    5/5 from me

  • 9 years ago

    by The Sky is Falling

    This poem is very interesting. I loved these lines.
    Slowly anger and hate consume the void
    As I become bitterly petrified and annoyed.

    It made me laugh. Great job 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by beautisworthless

    I liked this.. it went deep and was enjoyable..
    the words used were quite discriptiive and imaginitive..
    i loved it emensley...
    <3 kitten

  • 9 years ago

    by Timothy S

    Thanks for the vote & comment.
    i have that beast within me also.
    and he's very much alive now.

  • 9 years ago

    by Nix

    Wow! I must say once again you quit fascinated me, fantastic rhymes and whole construction of this piece is really good. I will put this poem into my favorites, it is interesting in each part and simply captivating. I love every stanza, I can't really chose favorite one I just must say brilliant job, I enjoyed very much.

  • 9 years ago

    by noha

    Realy beautiful ,i enjoy alot.
    you got a sweet imagination and its like i saw and feel evey word,and it was flow nice but i have my favorite partis:A beast that is brutality starts to emerge
    As fangs, claws, and rage converge,
    Eyes that are red spell insanity
    This ghastly figure of mine many call profanity.
    well done 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by SilentlyDyingInside

    Wow amazing poem!

  • 9 years ago

    by BrokenREALiTy

    Your title! Capitalize the W ! Sorry, it just really bugs me -- things like that x)

    Through this blizzard[,] my beliefs crumble and fall
    As I'm left on the snow[,] barely able to crawl.
    `I think there should be commas where I've placed them with those useful brackets. It helps the words flow easier as you read it (or at least for me, anyway), and provides a sort of ... light pause so that the lines don't seem long and run on -- I had to read over it twice, because without the commas, I didn't pause and it didn't sound right, like the words were going too fast. Your poem though :) And in my eyes, for some odd reason, I feel like it shoudl be "in the snow" but either way works. Just a thought.
    I like those two lines A LOT, though. The imagery ... it holds this deep meaning -- it was so easy to relate too. Like sometimes the things you believe sometimes get trampled on and you go down with it. It gave me this vibe of desperation in a way.

    My face is implanted in everlasting numbness
    Leaving my ideals to the engulfing darkness
    `I didn't fancy the rhyme. I mean, the concept is awesome, but it just sounds awkward, y'know? "everlasting numbness" -- I absolutely adore your diction.

    Slowly anger and hate consume the void
    `I think the should be this. It just sounds more flowy ... but sometimes, I'm wrong xD

    A beast that is brutality starts to emerge
    As fangs, claws, and rage converge,
    Eyes that are red spell insanity
    This ghastly figure of mine many call profanity.
    `OH, WiCKED iMAGERY! Love your first rhyme! But I don't like your third line D: Or how you worded the first line -- but that one there isn't really anything you can do, and it's not as noticable. "Eyes that are red" just sounds flimsy, like it's begging to be fixed. The wording just isn't right when I read it.
    Like maybe ...
    "Its garnet eyes that spell insanity."
    Just a suggestion ++ a start :)

    Now I'm transported to the land of red
    Where confusion and chaos are bred
    Back on 4 legs ready for vengeance
    With this destructive soul let operation
    revenge commence.
    `"Red" .... I find that to be a peculiar word choice. It sounds out of place. And this stanza .. work on the syllabication, because that's important when it comes to rhyming :D

    Overall, I liked this piece. There's some tweaks needed here and there, but it's another nicely written poem by you.
    ..__MiNDYY

  • 9 years ago

    by LitxUpxWithxLife

    That piece was amazing man. I'm into dark poetry too. I've had some pretty screwed up stuff happen in my life. And living in Chicago, if it doesn't happen to you, it happens to a friend. Mad props on this poem man, i haven't seen a dark piece like this in a while, it beats mine anyhow. You just made my favorite poets list. Keep it up.
    ~~Draven~~

  • 9 years ago

    by Alicia

    Wow! I really enjoyed this! Thank you

  • 9 years ago

    by Brenda

    This poem reminded me of transformers. =)

    but aside from that random fact, it was a really good poem to read. you created outstanding images through your words. afterall, it made me think of a movie. great job! =)

    `` [Brenda]

  • 9 years ago

    by Goth marionette

    Ur poem is stunnin..the rythm,rhyme,words and expressions were all incredible...It was like a beautiful , sad image..u got a talent..good job, plz keep it up100/100..