Comments : Apetalous

  • 10 years ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    This is a terribly sad poem. You have written this beautifully and have sucessfully conveyed your anguish and dispair. Likening your brother to a Apetalous, a butterfly is high admiration indeed. Then the destructive forces; thorns, burnt petals, suffocating vines and wounding haw. This sounds like a person who is going through a terrible time, his suffering is your own (your destruction lies upon my heart)

    Well done

    Michael

  • 10 years ago

    by Tammie

    Mel, it's been a while since I've read or commented your work and I miss it. This is such a powerful piece and it portrays so, so much fluid emotion. The pain you write in these words about someone who obviously means so much to you is painful to read as my brother and I have a similar relationship that way. The flow is absolutely flawless, as is your vocabulary. Everything about this from the descriptions to the metaphors and similies are just superb.
    5/5 hun, amazing job.

    Tammie xo

  • 10 years ago

    by Nix

    -Your destruction;
    lies upon my heart.-

    ^Very elegant start, you greatly left a clue of great sorrow and honestly you captured my attention with just few words.

    -Apetalous you have become,
    though roses once bloomed.
    Entwined with vines you fell;
    into thorns of scarlet haw.-

    ^Interesting part. I like it a lot. Atmosphere is very detailed and I like your idea, very refreshing. You expressed a lot through these lines.

    -Your eyes became my dismay,
    Burying my soul within anguish.
    Petals burnt to ember; as
    you lied yourself to burn.-

    ^This is truly vividly written. Well done Mel you used your talent amazingly and intertwined sadness and beauty in this stanza. I really enjoy in each of your words.

    -Who are you? I've asked, yet
    I'm sure you've never known.
    Alike a butterfly you'll perish,
    Upon a bed of powdered snow.-

    ^Another great stanza. I really like your use of punctuation in the whole poem, it gave effective tone to the rhythm. This is another creative part. I absolutely love the way you expressed whole atmosphere, it is simply beautiful.

    -Your destruction;
    lies upon my heart.-

    ^First I thought that you need more powerful conclusion on the end, something bitter and emotional. Than when I read this another time I saw that this repetition actually gave truly interesting twist to the whole piece. I like the ending, very nicely done.

    Overall I must say I enjoyed a lot in the whole poem. You described all sorrow on very real and unique way. I like your metaphors too. You all in all amazed me once again Mel.

  • 10 years ago

    by Goth marionette

    U r a great writer...and ur poem really rocks....so sad and so touchable...
    Good job,plz keep it up:)5/5..

  • 10 years ago

    by BrokenREALiTy

    I quite like the opening lines, though at first, I didn't. It was kind of like, starting out moderately weak so show the faintness of your emotion, but strengthening it as the piece goes on and repeating those lines as emphasis on how the pain overtakes you. It creeps up, and then it just engulfs everything. And as those lines surround the piece itself, I saw it as just that.

    You begin with such beautiful imagery. It's saddening, but so gentle. And you ease into such singing words, it's stunning:

    Petals burnt to ember; as
    you lied yourself to burn.
    `They just really stuck out to me. I can't quite say why ... It just relates to life in my eyes, and you wrote it in such a simple, straightforward, but deep way.

    Who are you? I've asked, yet
    I'm sure you've never known.
    `I adored this. It's so questioning, and I felt anger behind the words I read it, though that might not have been your intent. Answering the question yourself sort of gives off a mockery, and it's quite striking.

    And as you end that stanza, it's stunning. I picture a beautiful fluttery just collapsing into a bed of sheer, insipid snow and it was just stunning. A beautiful representation--a metaphor that probably won't leave my mind for a while.

    Beautiful write. It's so heart wrenching, but you're able to keep a haunting sort of air to it so it's not completely overtaken by just emotion.
    ..__MiNDYY

  • 10 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    Wonderful write...I could feel deep emotions behind each stanza... the flow is great and the word choice is superb...

    I speacially like the title...thats what captivated me at first...

    -Your destruction;
    lies upon my heart.-

    ^^ the starting is wonderful...

    Since you have written it for your brother may be because of that I felt extra sad while reading it...

    "Entwined with vines you fell;
    into thorns of scarlet haw.-

    Alike a butterfly you'll perish,
    Upon a bed of powdered snow"

    ^^metaphors used are brilliant... very creative indeed...

    Excellent write...

    keep writing.. :)

  • 10 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    You are amazing i am speechless

  • 10 years ago

    by Mimi

    I love the depth to this one. lyke you have to think about it and interpret it yet in the end there is only one intended meaning

    i do lyke the rhythm too

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Your destruction;
    lies upon my heart."

    Very heartbreaking words just right there, really expressing how much you care and how much you're hurt by what you see. You make the reader hurt too when they read this sad piece.

    "Apetalous you have become,
    though roses once bloomed.
    Entwined with vines you fell;
    into thorns of scarlet haw."

    I had to look up "apetalous" but otherwise good imagery here and metaphor, it really enlivened this poem and told of such meaning.

    "Your eyes became my dismay,
    Burying my soul within anguish.
    Petals burnt to ember; as
    you lied yourself to burn."

    Wow, you have clearly written this straight from your heart and with so many emotions, good job.

    "Who are you? I've asked, yet
    I'm sure you've never known.
    Alike a butterfly you'll perish,
    Upon a bed of powdered snow."

    First two lines: This is so saddening because you can't tell who he is anymore, he's changed so much.

    Last two lines: Wonderful imagery here, creating a image for the reader to ponder on, you really brought your talent out in this sad piece.

    "Your destruction;
    lies upon my heart."

    I like how you repeat this as the ending stanza/lines. It really shows that his pain is your pain, and you really hate to see him like this. Well-expressed, 5/5 from me....