To the One I Wanna Give My Heart To....

*I wrote this poem back in my junior year of high school to this guy i was in love with but things were really complicated. i gave him this letter one morning before class to read and i put my heart out there... to make things short, him and i have been together for a little over two and half years since then :)

Everything I'm about to write down comes straight from the bottom of my fragile heart, from an area that you have unlocked. This is really hard for me to do but I need you to know everything that is bottled up inside. I need you to know what I want, what I feel, what I need, and what you do to me. Before I met you, I had no one in my heart. I had no feelings towards anyone and I really wasn't looking for anyone to give my heart to. When I first met you, I felt kind of weird around you. It always seemed to feel as if someone was staring at me and when I would look up, there you
were. When we got closer and you told me you had feelings for me, I was like "Woah!" did he just say what I think he did?" When you said that, I just had to tell you that I had developed feelings for you as well. Now, here's where it all started. People don't believe me, and that hurts till this day, but the truth is, I didn't want to have feelings for you. I didn't want you to be the one I fell for because of your prior relationship. I tried so hard to get rid of all those feelings for you and the harder I tried, the more pain I felt. When I tried not to think about you, it hurt, but when I did think about you, it hurt twice as much because I couldn't be with you. The day that you kissed me, you made everything just go away. You made all my worries and problems disappear and for once, I felt safe, inside your arms. During the summer, being away from you and not being able to see you was torture. There were times when I felt as if I lost all chance of ever being with you. Then I would think back on the good times we had and realized how much I missed you and how big of a dent you made in my life. I then realized that I thought about you all the time: when I'd wake up, you were in my head, when I'd fall asleep, I'd dream about you (and I never dream!), in the shower, at the store, at someone's house, whenever I went out, you were all I thought about. That's when I realized that I had fallen in love with you. I told you and after that, I felt as if I should have never said anything. The whole summer, not once did I feel as if I was alright. I was crushed, torn, and my heart was no longer whole. You told me before that you wanted to make me feel whole. What you didn't realize was that you already had. A simple text saying hi or a smile or look from you would make my day because for that one second, I knew that I had crossed your mind. When I finally got your trust back (which by the way, I don't get why I lost it in the first place), I was thrilled. I never wanted to hurt you and I never will. you are the last person I would ever want to hurt. When we became close again and started talking again, I felt as if things were finally turning around. You would tell me things that no one has ever told me before. You would express your feelings towards me in a way that sent a chill down my spine. I love it when you do that because then I know I'm on your mind and that you're taking the time to show it. I love you and there's a piece of my fragile heart that will never belong to anyone but you. I'm willing to do anything just to be in your arms. If I have to ditch a class just to be with you, then so be it. If I have to sacrifice sleep just to hear your voice or read your feelings, I will. I care for you so much that no matter what happens, I'll be the one who'll be by your side and will be the shoulder that you can always lean on. I know that there is another girl out there and you know what, I can't do anything about that. I can't tell you to pick me over her because I care for you too much to put you in that position. But just listen: I'm always going to be here for you no matter what. You can see practically everyday and now that I can make you feel better. You have someone who is willing to do anything for you, standing right in front of you. I'm always going to be an option that you'll have. You're the first person that I have ever had feelings for. I mean REAL, HARD, DEEP, TRUE feelings for. You're always asking me, "what do you want?" I want to be the smile that you put on your face, I want to be your sun, stars, and moon, I want to be your day and night. I want to be the one that you point to and say, "that's her." I want to be the one you can depend on and the one that will make everything all right again. I want to make you happy and I'm willing to do whatever it takes for you to be that way. I want to feel the way you make me feel every day because when I feel like that, I'm happy. I ask you, "what do you want?" and you always reply, "I want to do what you want to do." But then, what if what I want, isn't something that you want, but you go along with it anyways just to make sure I'm happy. I wouldn't want that because I don't want you to do something for me just because I want to. Then it'll feel like charity. You wouldn't be happy because you're not doing what you want, leaving me unhappy. If you really want to be with that other girl then ok. I can't change your mind about that. But there's one thing that will forever haunt me: I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you, but I just don't see how she was. You have someone in front of you who is willing to hand her heart over to you and wants you to trust her: me. Above all, I want you to find happiness. If you're going to find it with me, then you'll make me the happiest I've ever been. If it's with the other girl, I'll be happy for you because you'll be happy, but I'll be torn-up inside. It's all up to you. Make your decision based on what you want, not what others want you to feel. You know, I go to sleep every night with you in my head. I see your beautiful face, amazing eyes, and your tempting lips and I just picture you, holding me as tight as you can. When you held me that one day, you don't know how good that felt. I missed that feeling and when I got it back, I couldn't believe it. I could barely even speak. And when you looked into my eyes, I saw me and once again I felt whole. There's no better feeling that when you look into my eyes and kiss me. When you touched my back and stomach, you gave me the worst case of butterflies I think I've ever gotten. And I liked that! I wanted to kiss you but then you had to leave. As you started to run off, you came back and kissed me. My heart went crazy! That one little kiss made my day. I couldn't stop smiling. That's what you do to me. You brighten up my whole day every time you smile, hug me, and bet yet, kiss me. I love the way you make me feel. You make me feel like a somebody for once and I am so grateful that I have you in my life. You are the only one who stirs up my emotions. You will never know how much you mean to me, but one day, I hope I can express it to you. I love you and I always will. Te amo hoy, manana, y siempre. So, here I am, with open arms. I give you my heart. Commit all these words to memory. I love you with all my heart. Your decision is yours, and I hope you are happy with what you decide. Through everything, I'm always gonna be here for you. Whenever, wherever, however. I want to still be your friend and I hope we will always be friends. You're my S-Boy and I'm your monkey, forever. And you know what, you're right. You still are mine and I'll always be yours.
Forever yours,
Stefanie
a.k.a your monkey

- Stefanie, 2005