Comments : Final line

  • 9 years ago

    by Amber

    That was good.
    Just a few corrections tho

    I know that I am the one you prefer...
    Make it a capital I

    This was something I will never get to ask...
    Same with this stanza

    But other and those I thought it was good.

  • 9 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    "I know that i am the one you prefer..."
    `Capitolize the I here, otherwise this line was good.. I don't know if the periods were necessary at the end .. but I can see where you were going with that. So I guess you could leave those.

    "This was something i will never get to ask..."
    `Again, the I thing.. captiolize them.. always. It makes the poem look neater, and it's really irritating if you don't. It's just one of those grammar things, ya' know. Umm, periods again, they are optional but honestly I think a period would be fine.

    "I got use to the bruises."
    `Use should be used.

    Overall, a okay poem. I understood what you were trying to get across. But, unfortunetly, I think you used a lot of filter words like [she, our, I, you, etc. ect.] lots of pronouns.. but of course, I'm guilty of doing that as well, but if you eliminate some of those so that it's not line after line using them.. the poem will flow so much better and there would be an actual flow. Advice that I can give you: Capitolize your i's, maybe use some better vocabulary.. this was kind of cliche, like all love poems. You really can't help it. All love poems are usually cliche. But that would be about it. A pretty good write, 4/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Kayla

    You let your lips linger on mine,
    trying to think of a reason to pull away.
    I'm trying to stay strong, keep control.
    Trying not to let everything turn gray.

    [ For the most part, this was actually a pretty sweet opening. The feelings of love and longing was there. The way you described your emotions in this stanza, it was like you didn't want that moment to end. Nothing to make it go sour. I liked it. ]

    There's not even a whisper.
    We aren't the way we were.
    You can't even look me in the eyes.
    I know that i am the one you prefer...

    [ This stanza bought a lot of questions to mind. Is there another girl? Why can't he look you in the eyes? What made you two change? How? And where did all of the love go... this was full of mixed feelings. Mysterious and such. A nice kick to the poem. ]

    Go ahead, tell her those lies,
    the ones that keep your feelings masked.
    Are things between us the way you want them?
    This was something i will never get to ask...

    [ Honestly, I really loved how you rhymed up this stanza. It was nice, simple, but at the same time, genius. It's actually a very relatable piece. I myself can definitely relate in many of my own ways. ]

    Blame it all on me.
    I can take it now.
    I got use to the bruises.
    It is ok, say your vow's.

    [ This actually made me very sad. It reminds me of an abusive relationship. You're taking their beatings, whether it's mental or physical, and yet you just put up with it because you love them so much. Yet again, another relatable stanza. Nice job. ]

    So she has taken control.
    Your heart is no longer mine.
    I guess this is our goodbye.
    To our story, this is the final line.

    [ Now this stanza right here is my absolute favorite out of the entire poem. Once again, simple but amazing. It blew me away. Actually a heart-tugger... but I still really enjoyed it. The rhyme scheme, the strong vocabulary, it was stunning. ]

    She should know the truth,
    but i will keep my mouth shut.
    You decided to marry her,
    and that leaves the deepest cut.

    [ A nice, powerful ending to wrap up this piece. Honestly, I wasn't even expecting it. Your love getting MARRIED to some other girl.. wow. Sad emotions and a longing to tell this other girl he's a faker. Again, relatable. ]

    Over-all, this was a very wonderful poem, dear. As I said in many of the stanza's, it was relatable in so many different ways for tons of reasons. That's what I really loved about it. I love things I feel as though I can relate to. You kept it simple, no long confusing words to make yourself sound smart. Which is great, I prefer short and sweet. The flow was smooth and not bumpy. Your poem was organized and the lines weren't everywhere. Easy to read. Great job, sweetie. 5/5 <3 <3 <3

    ~Kayla~

  • 9 years ago

    by Hopelessly Devoted to You

    This was a really good poem, you have a way with words and the flow of it all, great job!

  • 9 years ago

    by Im not broken anymore

    Wow this is very good.. Its strong, not to cocky but not the im braking feeling.. You worded it very beautifly and the flow was great... Couldnt of wrote it better excellent job! 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by nobody truly knows me

    This was very good. it was really powerful and emotional. it was sad, but at the same time you seemed like you were in control. i really enjoyed this, excellent job.

  • 9 years ago

    by Ari

    This is good! It's very honest and a good read.

    5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "You let your lips linger on mine,
    trying to think of a reason to pull away.
    I'm trying to stay strong, keep control.
    Trying not to let everything turn gray."

    Great opening, really got me into this poem, and your word choice here was wonderful........

    "There's not even a whisper.
    We aren't the way we were.
    You can't even look me in the eyes.
    I know that I am the one you prefer."

    ^Love that part, makes you think, again nice wording, so much emotion and feeling going on here......

    "Blame it all on me.
    I can take it now.
    I got used to the bruises.
    It is ok, say your vow's."

    ^That is actually kind of depressing. Because you get blamed and hurt, but you are still strong, nice job here, well expressed......

    "So she has taken control.
    Your heart is no longer mine.
    I guess this is our goodbye.
    To our story, this is the final line."

    ^I really love it how you say, "this is the final line"......This stanza has so much feeling in it and is really quite sad, that its over, and you have to say goodbye, but I love how you wrote this stanza.........

    "She should know the truth,
    but I will keep my mouth shut.
    You decided to marry her,
    and that leaves the deepest cut."

    Great ending stanza, really sums everything you wrote in this poem up well. Overall, good job, I think many people can relate to what you wrote, and you wrote it with passion and so much emotion. Beautiful write, keep posting, and I'll keep reading! Take care!

  • 9 years ago

    by halie

    Wow....
    great flow
    and amzing poem...
    once again lol
    :D
    5/5
    great job

    -halie

  • 9 years ago

    by JUSTiNA

    This is was sooo sad...
    but very well written. I love all the emotion put in to it.
    Favorite stanza:

    So she has taken control.
    Your heart is no longer mine.
    I guess this is our goodbye.
    To our story, this is the final line.

    Great job!!! You are talented.
    Continue writing.

    --Justina

  • 9 years ago

    by abullettotheheart

    Very well written
    i loved it :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Lindsey

    I like how in the poem you didn't tell the whole story. You gave us enough info to enlighten some of what happened but still let our minds wander.

    There were a few grammatical errors and some flow issues but over all it's very good.

    "You let your lips linger on mine,
    trying to think of a reason to pull away.
    I'm trying to stay strong, keep control."

    I like these lines, its shows how even though he's with someone else he can't think of a reason to leave. And it shows your strong will and feelings towards the whole situation.

    "Blame it all on me.
    I can take it now.
    I got used to the bruises.
    It is ok, say your vow's."

    I also liked this one because of the emotion you showed. It shows how you feel your string enough to handle the pain and the truth even though it hurts at first. The bruises you speak of almost seem emotional as well as possibly physical. It makes me wonder what you mean, if the relationship left physical bruises on your skin, or if they are figurative wounds on the heart. Or maybe both.

    "So she has taken control.
    Your heart is no longer mine.
    I guess this is our goodbye.
    To our story, this is the final line."

    I , again, like the emotion showing how she has 'won' him and how its the end of the relationship and your feelings about it. I like how the relationship is a story to you, and not just time spent.

    "She should know the truth,
    but I will keep my mouth shut.
    You decided to marry her,
    and that leaves the deepest cut."

    Hmm...I like the mystery. "She should know the truth," means there's things she doesn't know about him, things that might change everything. You keeping your mouth shut makes me wonder if it's because you want to tell her but can't or you want her to find out on her own. Both reasonable.

    That leaves the deepest cut was an excellent line to end on. It shows that with everything else that he did to you, thats what hurts the most and its not something you're likely to get over soon.

    Overall a very nice poem. Like I said, a few grammar mistakes and I think different word choices in some places might have helped. I can't point out where specifically, just in a few spots the rhythm got off. But oh well, it was good either way.

    Well done! I'll stop talking now....lol =]

    -linz

  • 9 years ago

    by Kristina B

    Pretty good poem. theres were some spots where u got a lil off, but i got the subject all the same. 4/5.

  • 9 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Tabi,

    Sometimes men can be a complete mystery.
    I cannot comprehend why anyone would want to marry one girl while loving the other one.
    This is such a moving poem..

    She should know the truth,
    but I will keep my mouth shut.
    You decided to marry her,
    and that leaves the deepest cut.

    ^^^a marriage based on a lie will never hold.

    So she has taken control.
    Your heart is no longer mine.
    I guess this is our goodbye.
    To our story, this is the final line.

    ^^These lines show a strong character and determination. Sometimes we need to shut the door to our heart in order to protect ourselves.

    I liked the way you closed the chapter on him:)

    Take care!

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 9 years ago

    by Inside the Liar

    Wow. This reminded me of a situation I've been in before. It was a really good piece of work.

  • 9 years ago

    by AngelicDecadence

    It is ok, say your vow's.
    "In vow's" the apostrophe is unnecessary. It should just be "vows"
    Also, you might just want it to be "It's" instead of "It is" it makes the reader slow the reading when it isn't needed.
    Great job though, you did a good job expressing your feelings despite the size of the poem, it was very well written.
    5/5
    *Chaotic Angel*

  • 9 years ago

    by Roses and lilys

    Hmm, yeah that kind of thing happens however sad it may be. The wording was great and so was the flow. I really enjoyed reading this poem. I'm sure that there are people who could relate to it. Another 5/5.

  • 9 years ago

    by Loved In Hell

    For me personally, it was a little hard to catch on at the beginning, to grasp your concept. (but maybe thats just because i am a little slow)
    But when I got your point I got it. Its so sad to watch something that was once great slip slowly out of your hands.
    What a painful process to have to see the truth come out at you and bite you in the butt.
    The flow was great and you good with imagery.
    5/5
    laura

  • 9 years ago

    by Minkus

    5/5. You told this story briefly but effectively. Perhaps one suggestion would be to go into a little more detail, include a little more material, but it might just dilute what you have, so I don't know if it's necessary or even desirable. Another good write!

  • 8 years ago

    by XxBAYBiiGiRLxX

    Very well written!
    it was full of emotion and the flow was great!
    xo