Comments : Realization Release

  • 9 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    'A heart aches from broken shards crumbling into dust"
    `Wow. The first line is worded SO perfectly with such amazing words. This was very well described and sets the tone of the poem. I can already tell this poem is going to be sad, because someone got their heart broken.

    The rhyme of this poem is so consistant, I'm noticing. It definatly helps with the flow extremely well. Such a great flow. The rhyme is not forced at all. I love how you used some bigger words [although yet still simple] and made them rhyme. It shows that you really didn't force this one at all. Sounds great. Great job.

    "True motivation, cause and experience were left behind"
    `You need a comma after cause.

    "For now defeated but at least i can think with my head"
    `Capitolize the I.. and I love this line and the one above it. It shows us clearly how you are feeling.

    -One thing I am noticing as I'm reading is that you only have one puncuation mark, and that's a period after each stanza.. I was kind of wondering why you didn't use more, but then I realized you do have a rhyme and a flow so really in my opinion.. you did a great job by not "over-doing it" I guess.. because I don't think that puncuation is really needed if there is a rhyme and a smooth flow.. so nice job of realizing that and not doing putting any unnecessary things in your poem, when they aren't really needed. :]

    "The sword in hand is broken but elation rest in heart
    One lost battle was only the wars grim start"
    `You may want to put a period after start, just because you do in every stanza but this one. It's kind of a pattern in your poem and this stanza doesn't have one. Sorry, I'm a huge observer. I realize these things. Although, honestly it wouldn't really make a difference if there was one there or not. It still sounds great.
    -I especially loved this stanza here, it was very well described. Wonderful word-choice, again. :]

    Overall, excellent write. True emotions were shined in this poem very clearly. Wow. The rhyme scheme was consistant and really helped the poem.. without it I don't think it would have sounded nearly as good. Wonderful write overall. I think I gave you all the suggestions I could give! Well done hun, <3 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Austin

    Great poem. I was surprised. Your rhymes were worked in nicely. Everything seemed where it should be and the point was across pretty well. I liked your reference to a puppet master. That was nice. 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Awesome poem i loved it. your a very talented writer. thanks for the comment too. Shanik

  • 9 years ago

    by AQuietHeartBeat

    Thanks for the comment on my poem i thought i'd repay the favour =]

    i really like your rhyming and the way your point you started out with remains true till the end 5

  • 9 years ago

    by Polly

    I like this :) It is really deep, especially the first line which really drew me in to the poem. You have written it with perfect rhyming which doesnt seem forced, which I love because it gives it a great flow and rhythm.

    The sword in hand is broken but elation rest in heart
    One lost battle was only the wars grim start

    Loved these lines especially! Really powerful words make them really effective. 5/5

    Polly

  • 9 years ago

    by SilentlyDyingInside

    I am speechless...amazed...wow...

    i especially loved:

    "The lighting sun may not shine on this new day
    But this forsaken grin of mine is here to stay."

    that was amazingly written and i loved it...very good job!!!

  • 9 years ago

    by BREEawNUHH

    "A heart aches from broken shards crumbling into dust
    Laying in one place as golden obcession turns to rust
    Desires cease when life stands still for moment
    Questions pour, wondering of the long lived torment."

    ^^ In the second line, "obcession" should be "obsession". In the third line, you should say "for A moment", rather than "for moment".

    "Controlled by the puppet master of yearning desperation
    When giving it everything was the true confiscation
    What was seen as a solution was a curse all along
    The hollow mind mesmerized by sorrows blind song."

    ^^ Wow. This stanza is absolutely flawless. I loved it.

    "Led by confusion not allowing serenity to fill the mind
    True motivation, cause and experience were left behind
    For now defeated but at least i can think with my head
    Starting over with an actual purpose and path lies ahead."

    ^^ In the third line, your "i" should be capitalized. That's the only thing I can find wrong with this stanza.

    "The sword in hand is broken but elation rest in heart
    One lost battle was only the wars grim start"

    ^^ I loved this couplet. It says a lot without saying too much, if that makes any sense. Haha.

    "The lighting sun may not shine on this new day
    But this forsaken grin of mine is here to stay."

    ^^ I thought this was a perfect ending to this piece. Great job. 5/5

    ``Briana

  • 9 years ago

    by Annaam

    This is a greaattttt write.... Is all I can say! 8)

    5/5.
    Keep it up! :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Empathy

    Truly deceptive. I find it amazing that words can be used so brilliantly by many poets. Thought at times the composition and alignment of such words may be confusing to conceive all at once the meaning comes in due time.

    I was mystified by this line: The hollow mind mesmerized by sorrows blind song." It was probably my favorite line in this poem in my honest respect. I find that it brings out a portion of the poems meaning very well. The sad and dark atmosphere that shrouds the crux in a very evident manner. The stanzas are very well done, and your idea is shown thoroughly well. Excellent work.

  • 9 years ago

    by she

    Good vocabulary
    excellant flow
    not one ruff spot
    fav.part-The lighting sun may not shine on this new day
    But this forsaken grin of mine is here to stay
    [has a twist]
    nice visuals
    well done

  • 9 years ago

    by HvN

    So beautiful yet so sad. great flow and great meaning!
    My favorite stanza:
    "A heart aches from broken shards crumbling into dust
    Laying in one place as golden obcession turns to rust
    Desires cease when life stands still for moment
    Questions pour, wondering of the long lived torment."

    i can totally relate! nice job! 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Justin

    Wow this was GREAT... First i really liked your word choice and the ( kinda ) big vocab you used.. Heh i acctually had to look up a word for a second to get the full meaning of it.. And also i liked the flow you had in your poem.. It all went together very nicely and just made the poem flawless.... 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Prasad Ramesh Baadkar

    Nice wrighte... keep it up

  • 9 years ago

    by Lesslovedthanloathed

    It's strong isnt it. It really pulls me in.
    Very nicely done :) 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by TearsOfRejection

    That was great I can relate. . .
    Keep up the good work.

  • 9 years ago

    by Amber

    Hmmm well the words were very powerful. they way you even have it worded was veryyy powerful.

    I do have a few things I would like to point out though,
    "Laying in one place as golden obcession turns to rust"
    Did you mean obsession?

    Other than that I thought it was very powerful. very well written.

    Good Job

  • 8 years ago

    by [[Get Ya Wicked On]]

    Amazing detail and imagery, best I've read in a while!

    -T