Another wonderful write! Again oozing with sincerity and heartbreak. A simple but touching story. (: Not much to say except that I really enjoyed reading. And I wish I could hear the melody (; Hahah. You are very talented, and have such a beautiful heart.
One last thing:
"The clock's ticking down the time until he's verdict is read."
Did you mean `until HIS verdict is read` ..?
An enthralling piece from start
to finish. Keep it coming!
First of all I typed this before i read your song, really good title , its like original but i should of heard of it before you know that feeling like, I should of thought of that. feeling but anyway, the song.
i was thinking eh until the song scheme fell into place, two different people, two different situations connected and even praying the same way, that caught my eye. songs rarely ever ryhme EVERY line just go and look at lyric websites but yes there are a few, I dont know what kind of music you would be singing this to but I could see it sung to a serenade slowish rock, but as a poem it was flawless, Long lines makes it read like a short novel. Normaly I dont read long poems but this was worth it. 5/5
9 years ago
WOW! this i definitley goin on my favorites, great word choice amazing ryme,
i love the flow of this song, i wonder what it'd be like to hear someone sing it..?
"So she lies wide awake in her cold,empy bed."
"Lord,I know you can hear me and feel my agony."
^^ Maybe try: "Lord, I know you can hear me, you feel my agony"
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I absolutely love this poem. It'll get a 5/5 from me.
My one change that had to do with the way it sounded might be completely off, being as I don't know how it's actually sung. It could sound perfect the other way when you sing it, but when it's on paper that just sounds and looks better. But, i could be completely wrong.
As for it being on paper, you've done a wonderful job.
Wow your friggen amazing im like sitting here about to litterally cry, i dont usually do that....*sniffle*... ok um it had awsomly written flow and was clearly understandable.
def. one of my favs---
Raindrops 6/5 if i could
â€œMistakes have been made for it's the humans way to sinâ€ this seems mis-worded; out of place. Maybe â€œMistakes have been made but itâ€™s only human to sinâ€
â€œTo believe that everything was alright he simply refusedâ€ Again, this seemed a little mis-worded. It flows better if you use â€œhe simply refused to believe that everything was alrightâ€ I know that does not fit the rhyme scheme, but it sounds better.
I enjoyed the adjectives you used; like SHATTERED PAST, BRUTAL WORLDâ€™S TRIAL, GLISTENING OFF HER FACE. These are descriptive and cannot be misinterpreted.
Great use of more power words like CURSE, AGONY, PERFECTION.