Comments : Broken Hearted Tragedy((SONG))

  • 10 years ago

    by mnemosyne

    Another wonderful write! Again oozing with sincerity and heartbreak. A simple but touching story. (: Not much to say except that I really enjoyed reading. And I wish I could hear the melody (; Hahah. You are very talented, and have such a beautiful heart.

    One last thing:

    "The clock's ticking down the time until he's verdict is read."
    Did you mean `until HIS verdict is read` ..?

    An enthralling piece from start
    to finish. Keep it coming!

    *Nova

  • 10 years ago

    by Steven Topaz

    First of all I typed this before i read your song, really good title , its like original but i should of heard of it before you know that feeling like, I should of thought of that. feeling but anyway, the song.

    i was thinking eh until the song scheme fell into place, two different people, two different situations connected and even praying the same way, that caught my eye. songs rarely ever ryhme EVERY line just go and look at lyric websites but yes there are a few, I dont know what kind of music you would be singing this to but I could see it sung to a serenade slowish rock, but as a poem it was flawless, Long lines makes it read like a short novel. Normaly I dont read long poems but this was worth it. 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by HvN

    WOW! this i definitley goin on my favorites, great word choice amazing ryme,

    i love the flow of this song, i wonder what it'd be like to hear someone sing it..?

    anyways, keep up the good work

    5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Another excellent write by you. I enjoyed reading this, it was an easy read and had good flow as well as structure. Great job and keep up the amazing work.

    Peace, Joe

  • 10 years ago

    by Mya

    Aww this is so sad. I really liked it. I'm sorry if you really went through this 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Dark Savior

    I normally never read songs, as they are something that I have to hear to feel the emotion a lot of the time, this I didn't have to at all.

    This poem/song at times suffered from flow issues, it wasn't as if it was completely gone, but it was noticable.

    Other than that, I think the poem was great. Wonderful word choice, wonderful rythme, good subject, picture was painted very well.

    5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Teria

    Changes:
    "So she lies wide awake in her cold,empy bed."
    ^^ empy=empty.

    "Lord,I know you can hear me and feel my agony."
    ^^ Maybe try: "Lord, I know you can hear me, you feel my agony"

    - - -

    I absolutely love this poem. It'll get a 5/5 from me.
    My one change that had to do with the way it sounded might be completely off, being as I don't know how it's actually sung. It could sound perfect the other way when you sing it, but when it's on paper that just sounds and looks better. But, i could be completely wrong.

    As for it being on paper, you've done a wonderful job.

  • 10 years ago

    by Gooberz

    Wow your friggen amazing im like sitting here about to litterally cry, i dont usually do that....*sniffle*... ok um it had awsomly written flow and was clearly understandable.
    def. one of my favs---
    Raindrops 6/5 if i could

  • 10 years ago

    by XxXcrystalXcontagiousXxX

    5/5 very good word usage and beatifull 2

  • 10 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    Great work; really well written.

    “Mistakes have been made for it's the humans way to sin” this seems mis-worded; out of place. Maybe “Mistakes have been made but it’s only human to sin”

    “To believe that everything was alright he simply refused” Again, this seemed a little mis-worded. It flows better if you use “he simply refused to believe that everything was alright” I know that does not fit the rhyme scheme, but it sounds better.

    I enjoyed the adjectives you used; like SHATTERED PAST, BRUTAL WORLD’S TRIAL, GLISTENING OFF HER FACE. These are descriptive and cannot be misinterpreted.

    Great use of more power words like CURSE, AGONY, PERFECTION.

    Overall; another really great song.

  • 10 years ago

    by Sumit Ojha

    Little long but Excellent poem (5/5)

  • I loved it Ambo it was really good it a lot better than a lot of my work I kno that he will get out of everything okay and I'm here if you need me. 5/5 Caleb Hammett AKA UR BFF