i woke up to thoughts that i haven't had in a while. i love you was in my head and in my mouth. but i'm not sure who it was for. i don't know if this is some kind of joke or if this is something that is really happening. i know that either way i don't want it to be tangible at all; even if it isn't true i don't want to hear it and i don't want to think it and i don't want to talk of it. i don't want it.
last night in my mind you told me all the things that you wrote out to me in believable and easily false text. and you know it's funny. because after all the things that i haven't said and all the things i wish that i'd done and hadn't, still nothing has changed for me and i think that everything and maybe even more has changed for you. i saw the words this morning. i felt the invisible force pressing into my chest and head. it feels to me as though i've done nothing, which is guess is what's right. all of this isn't right to say or to feel or to try and live out.
you want my honesty?
i guess the way i see it now. the way i see it, all of you that was left is trailing behind what is already gone.
does it comfort you to think about how wonderful it was up until now. cause this is closure once and for all. this has to stop right now. if all the roads we ever travel are to lead to one place, one inevitable conclusion, should we bother to make choices at each turn? yes, because the point is not the destination but the journey, and the view is infinitely better on some roads. but we all ultimately walk alone.
after i imagined kissing your face.. i stood in the cold for about an hour or so.
i stood in the cold and allowed myself to become unaffected. it took a bit, but it happened. i allowed myself that much. i knew that i was cold but i couldn't feel it. my hands felt broken and numb. my ears felt red, but just that. nothing more. my face was dry and stretched. it reminded me of the snow made socks of ice but all i felt was the wind tug my hair. i was not for one second cold. it's unexplainable. and then i walked with dreams, as to wrap myself in this caffeine cocoon and hum to the rhythm of purring. vanilla coating the back of my throat and air cut off. i'd be so satisfied.
but theres no feeling of air, just the sight of tempestuous brown crumpled leaves falling up and down the wet streets made of the wet pavement. but nothing moves you. there is no sensation of moisture, thick and wanting and demanding. crimson leaves and sky as pale as flesh. its as if watching someone in pain and knowing they're faking. its realizing that you no longer love those that you've loved, and the question of whether or not you ever did hangs beneath your bottom lip. this is something that can be stopped but i'll always insist that the beauty of fall is the melancholy.
no one ever said that you would live to see the repercussions of everything you do, or that you have guarantees, or that you are not obliged to wander in the dark, or that everything will be proved to you and neatly verified like something in science. nothing is: at least nothing that is worthwhile. i didn't bring you up only to move across sure ground. i didn't teach you to think that everything must be within our control or understanding.
Woke up this morning to the feeling of not wanting to. I wish I could sleep forever because I don't want to face the reality of what is in my heart and mind and I would rather tape my mouth shut then say those words "I love you." Because I know you won't say them back and I don't want to think that and I don't want to know that. I just don't want it.
Last night in my head I told you again all the things I knew you never believed. I screamed them at you but my voice cracked and now I can only whisper and hope that you hear me. I know you think everything has changed for me and I'm sure from the show I put on, you would buy it. I smile, I laugh, I let him kiss me but only because I can't stand the feeling of the force pressing into my chest from the Lonliness of no longer hearing yours. I haven't done anything. Nothing has changed. None of this is right, nothing I say, feel, or try to live out.
You want my honesty?
I guess the way I see it now, I see it all, you deserved someone better from the start.
Yet sometimes I find comfort knowing that at one time we were something beautiful up until now. I don't want closure, I selfishly want you once and for all. Questions in my mind surface and I wonder where are roads will lead and I hope that maybe they will intertwine or the end will ultimately lead to our returning to one another. Yet I fear that I am destined to walk alone.
I saw you the other day outside when I was riding my bike, it was cold and I assumed you were freezing. I stood there and just watched you, I couldn't move because I was too prideful to. I knew you must of been cold but I didn't want to give you my coat because I knew you wouldn't take it. Your hands were probably numb, your ears were red, your face looked dry. I just stood bye. My feet felt like they were frozen in center blocks of ice. I don't mean to make excuses for why I didn't go up to you and beg you to come inside. it's just even with the weather below freezing, you seemed so happy and content, a side that I never brought out in you. You didn't seem cold. You didn't even shake. It's unexplainable. That's when I realized I was the one who was made of ice.
I got back on my bike and left without even thinking twice. On the ride back I craved caffeine, longing to remember the taste of your kiss. If right now I happen to get hit, that feeling would keep me so satisfied.
But the streets are empty, it's just I and these Crimson leaves. I felt the urge to cry but I couldn't because nothing moves me. I stopped for a moment as I saw a leaf fall from the trees. I picked it up and held it close to me, as your words played in my head, like a treasured melody "The beauty of fall is the melancholy."
I never doubt that I loved you. I always did but that doesn't mean I deserved you.
I'm sorry I wanted guarantees. I'm sorry that I hated the dark. I'm sorry that I believed that everything would be easy and simple and neat and proven like something in science. You told me nothing is; at least nothin worth while.
I know you didn't bring me up only to move across sure ground
I know you didn't teach me to think that everything must be within our control or understanding, and I learned that lesson, the day I lost you.
*My friend wrote this in reply. She was to shy to post it herself. So I did. Hope you see this.
Your words really reach deep inside me, something that is not too easy to do. I have had writers block for over a year now, but sometimes I fall upon a poem that is truly worth reading, and this is one of them. Thank you for giving me a real treat. Timothy r
The thing I love most about reading your poems is not even how incredibly beautiful they are, it's that somehow they always describe I'm gonig through in my life at that moment in time so perfectly. I don't know how that happens. How we can have two very different lives yet feel the same way at the same moment. It amazes me really.
"last night in my mind you told me all the things that you wrote out to me in believable and easily false text. and you know it's funny. because after all the things that i haven't said and all the things i wish that i'd done and hadn't, still nothing has changed for me and i think that everything and maybe even more has changed for you. "
^That part touched me in a way I can't explain because it's everything and more of what I wish I could say. The the most real thing to me right now.
I'm actually almost in shock and how good this describes me right now.