In The Eyes Of A Soldier (Collab Part 1)

At eighteen years of age,
Contemplating the possibilities.
Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
Even though all the hostilities?
//my mates a canadian soldier and went over a few days ago, this really strikes home to me, I read the first paragraph and it just slammed me.

A young man in the making,
Fighting undenying fears
To leave his home, a practical undertaking,
While patriotism is the thought that will sear.
//i love how true this part is, how you admit to the fears a soldier has, and how you despensed with the bravado of most soldiers and really struck home.

Military officers await ahead.
Slowly striding down the road,
Wearing white, blue and red
While whistling our national ode.

To defend our national homeland,
Where with our brethren he will part,
To warfare on the great white sands
As patriot, his destiny he will chart.
//this part tells of how a man grabs hold of his own destiny and shapes it to his will which follows how i see life.

Basic training now in store,
And soon flying to harms way.
Fellow soldiers must rapport,
United as one we'll never betray.

A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
Enlaiden with future remiss
His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
The love of his other he lacks.
//i know how it is to be away from the one you love. this part along with others really struck home. i love how you said "His innocent heart soon to be cracked." very powerful in showing how harsh war is.

15th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Battalion
Camouflaged in hiding behind enemy lines.
Shots flying past, as I run like a wild stallion
Watching out for those dirty hidden mines.

His boots worn from too many miles
Memories of home burning through his mind,
So many laughs and smiles.
His heart and family across Atlantic bind.

Seeking shelter under fire,
Penetrating echos of fallen shells.
A distant home we'll soon acquire
Six insurgents, should we repel?

This entire poem struck home to me. I loved every line of it, it flowed perfectly as I read it and it struck home to deep feelings in me line after line. Amazing mate.
5/5 no doubt.

"At eighteen years of age,
Contemplating the possibilities.
Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
Even though all the hostilities?"

-I like this stanza because it immediatly addresses the issue at hand.

"A young man in the making,
Fighting undenying fears
To leave his home, a practical undertaking,
While patriotism is the thought that will sear."

-This verse makes the reader sympathize with the guy. It shows how young he still is.
And how much life he still has left to live. This is very nicely written here

"Military officers await ahead.
Slowly striding down the road,
Wearing white, blue and red
While whistling our national ode."

-I like how you switch the colors around because most people say red, white, and blue. You take it and make it to where the reader wants to keep paying attention.

"To defend our national homeland,
Where with our brethren he will part,
To warfare on the great white sands
As patriot, his destiny he will chart."

-This is worded very nicely, and leaves the reader with a sense of mystery.

"Basic training now in store,
And soon flying to harms way.
Fellow soldiers must rapport,
United as one we'll never betray."

-This verse seems sort of forced rhyme, to me, but it still works overall.

"A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
Enlaiden with future remiss
His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
The love of his other he lacks."

-It took me awhile to really get this versre and what it meant. Most of the time, I wouldn't like that, but in this case it gives the poem more depth.

"15th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Battalion
Camouflaged in hiding behind enemy lines.
Shots flying past, as I run like a wild stallion
Watching out for those dirty hidden mines."

-This is a good verse because it shows that you did research. It also gives you a setting, and you feel as though you're actually there.

"His boots worn from too many miles
Memories of home burning through his mind,
So many laughs and smiles.
His heart and family across Atlantic bind."

-This verse is very well written, and it really gets into a soldier's mind. It shows people what a real soldier might be thinking.

"Seeking shelter under fire,
Penetrating echos of fallen shells.
A distant home we'll soon acquire
Six insurgents, should we repel?"

-This got confusing for me, *six insurgents, should we repel?* I mean it goes from the soldier's mind to what he's doing in battle. It wasn't that smooth of a transition. Unless you did that on purpose.

I really liked this poem. It was well written. It had a theme of being a soldier, and of a boy evolving. The rhyming itself at the end became a little forced but still it served its purpose. This poem did touch me though, and has emotion so i'll give it a 5/5

"At eighteen years of age,
Contemplating the possibilities.
Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
Even though all the hostilities?"

^^ I adore theswe opening lines, thought provoking and moving and pulls me right into the piece.

"A young man in the making,
Fighting undenying fears
To leave his home, a practical undertaking,
While patriotism is the thought that will sear."

^^I'm not to sure on this stanza..the piece starts of incredibly strong and this stanza seems to become a little weaker than what I was expecting.

"Military officers await ahead.
Slowly striding down the road,
Wearing white, blue and red
While whistling our national ode.

To defend our national homeland,
Where with our brethren he will part,
To warfare on the great white sands
As patriot, his destiny he will chart."

^^favourite stanzas so far. The flow here is flawless, words just roll right of the tongue, imagery is beautifully painted creating such vivid pictures in my mind and the emotion and depth is overwhelming.

"Basic training now in store,
And soon flying to harms way.
Fellow soldiers must rapport,
United as one we'll never betray.

A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
Enlaiden with future remiss
His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
The love of his other he lacks."

^^ This is more like it =) I'm finding this piece to become stronger and stronger throughout now, and the emotion here pulls on the heartstrings, and I can't wait to continue on.

"15th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Battalion
Camouflaged in hiding behind enemy lines.
Shots flying past, as I run like a wild stallion
Watching out for those dirty hidden mines.

His boots worn from too many miles
Memories of home burning through his mind,
So many laughs and smiles.
His heart and family across Atlantic bind."

^^ Ohhhh, these stanzas brought tears to my eyes..the depth here is incredible and as I'm halfway through the entry requirements for the army myself, this creates such conflicting emotions for me.

"Seeking shelter under fire,
Penetrating echos of fallen shells.
A distant home we'll soon acquire
Six insurgents, should we repel? "

^^Love this closing, I liked how you left it open for the reader to take any way they wanted, and found this to be a beautiful way to wrap up this piece.

You can always tell when a collab is good when you can't tell who wrote what as is the case here, and once I get some more free time, I'll certainly be reading the other installments of this.

Beautiful work!

"At eighteen years of age,
Contemplating the possibilities.
Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
Even though all the hostilities?"

= For the most part, I liked this stanza. Good choice of words. The last line, however, threw me off a bit. I think 'though' would sound better as 'with' -- "even with all the hostilities".

"A young man in the making,
Fighting undenying fears
To leave his home, a practical undertaking,
While patriotism is the thought that will sear."

= This is good. I like how you talk about what the person who is contemplating fighting for his country is really thinking. I do, though, feel like the last line threw off the flow a bit. I think it's the 'the' and the 'that'.

"Military officers await ahead.
Slowly striding down the road,
Wearing white, blue and red
While whistling our national ode."

= Ah, an amazing stanza. Perfect, in my opinion. Flow is excellent, and are the rhymes and your word choice.

"To defend our national homeland,
Where with our brethren he will part,
To warfare on the great white sands
As patriot, his destiny he will chart."

= This is really nice. Again, your rhymes and word choices are great.

"Basic training now in store,
And soon flying to harms way.
Fellow soldiers must rapport,
United as one we'll never betray."

= I like this a lot. Not only are you talking about the person fighting for his country, but you're talking about his journey and what he must go through. It's awesome. :)

"A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
Enlaiden with future remiss
His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
The love of his other he lacks."

= The flow here was good until I got to the last line. Sometimes it works to switch a sentence or statement around ('he lacks' being after rather then before), but I don't think it works here.

"15th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Battalion
Camouflaged in hiding behind enemy lines.
Shots flying past, as I run like a wild stallion
Watching out for those dirty hidden mines."

= Ah, I liked this. I hate to repeat myself, but what else can I say? Word choice and rhymes are really good. :)

"His boots worn from too many miles
Memories of home already burning through his mind,
So many laughs and smiles.
His heart and family across Atlantic bind."

= In the second line, I don't think the word "already" is entirely necessary. I think if it were to be taken out, the poem would still be just as amazing, and it would make this stanza look a bit more flattering.

"Seeking shelter under fire,
Penetrating echos of fallen shells.
A distant home we'll soon acquire
Six insurgents, should we repel?"

= This is good. I like that you ended this part with a question, as it makes the readers want to read even more. :)

``Briana

The rhyming flow was carried through very well in each stanza making the poem easier and more interesting to read =]

As for the topic of the poem, war has always been a subject I find terribly sad and I felt that whilst reading this poem. It's a very good collab you kept me captivated and wanting to read on deeper into the story.

Overall a very strong piece which makes the reader think about the topic and I always find that these types of poems are the ones that are rememberd 5/5