Comments : In The Eyes Of A Soldier (Collab Part 1)

  • 8 years ago

    by Cotton Candy Clouds

    At eighteen years of age,
    Contemplating the possibilities.
    Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
    Even though all the hostilities?
    ^^ great wording here the vocabulary is complex and that was refreshing. It was a good start to the poem

    A young man in the making,
    Fighting undenying fears
    To leave his home, a practical undertaking,
    While patriotism is the thought that will sear.
    ^^i know so many people who have family in the army and i know some guys in it...they are so brave for undertaking that burden you do a great job so far of portraying the entangled thoughts of a warrior

    Military offices await ahead.
    Slowly striding down the road,
    Wearing white, blue and red
    While whistling our national ode.
    ^^ the courage. I like the understatement here. They are in danger yet just casually whistling the national anthem! great portrayal here it caught my attention !

    To defend our national homeland,
    Where with our brethren he will part,
    To warfare on the great white sands
    As patriot, his destiny he will chart.
    ^^ this was a bit choppy but in a good way i liked it you made it work. the point got across and very well if i might add : )

    Basic training now in store,
    And soon flying to harms way.
    Fellow soldiers must rapport,
    United as one we'll never betray.
    ^^ i liked the last line ! so touching....honestly how such a young soul matures when in the army is amazing...

    A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
    Enlaiden with future remiss
    His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
    The love of his other he lacks.
    ^^a sinful pact....very artistic description that was my favorite part so far!

    15th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Battalion
    Camouflaged in hiding behind enemy lines.
    Shots flying past, as I run like a wild stallion
    Watching out for those dirty hidden mines.
    ^^ taking the reader into the heart of action!!! intense! I think you did a phenomenal job with that!

    His boots worn from to many miles
    Memories of home already burning through his mind,
    So many laughs and smiles.
    His heart and family across Atlantic bind.
    ^^ the first line i think it should be " too many miles" wow that must be tormenting to think about your family but not be able to hug them..again the courage it takes

    Seeking shelter under fire,
    Penetrating echos of fallen shells.
    A distant home we'll soon acquire
    Six insurgents, should we repel?
    ^^ it should be "echoes" ! but other than that great ending!!!

    intense poem! i think the wording and flow were right on ! great job : ) 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Steven Topaz

    I enjoyed this one and i see we have atleast 2 more collabs to do together.

  • 8 years ago

    by Faithless

    Well i have served the army for 2 years and i must say that you guys really know your stuff.The words and description really enables me to picture what the protagonist have to go through at such a very young age.

    btw i think the 3rd stanza the 1st line u meant to say officers instead of offices?

    I think this was an excellent collab the both of you really think the poem through as one mind.I am really unable to detect who wrote what.Excellent job guys would be looking forward to reading your part 2

    Excellent Job
    5/5 from me

  • 8 years ago

    by CanUKissAwayMyPain

    Wow did you two do an amazing poem here. i really didnt know where you both started. it just made it more intresting. i could see everything going though my mind the boot with a hole and a toe foot sticking out hehehe.. but amazing job you both. Keep it up!
    5/5

    TaKe caRe,
    Frenchy

  • 8 years ago

    by Poetic Grunt

    At eighteen years of age,
    Contemplating the possibilities.
    Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
    Even though all the political hostilities?

    A young man in the making,
    Fighting undenying fears
    To leave his home, a practical undertaking,
    While patriotism is the thought that will sear.

    Military offices await ahead.
    Slowly striding down the road,
    Wearing white, blue and red
    While whistling our national ode.

    To defend our national homeland,
    Where with our brethren he will part,
    To warfare on the great white sands
    As patriot, his destiny he will chart.

    Basic training now in store,
    And soon flying to harms way.
    Fellow soldiers must rapport,
    United as one we'll never betray.

    A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
    Enlaiden with future remiss
    His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
    The love of his other he certain to lack.

    21st Infantry Regiment, 3rd Battalion
    Camouflaged in hiding behind enemy lines.
    Shots flying past, as he runs like a wild stallion
    Watching out for those dirty hidden mines.

    His boots worn from too many miles
    Memories of home already burning through his mind,
    So many laughs and smiles.
    His heart and family across Atlantic bind.

    Seeking shelter under fire,
    Penetrating echos of mens painful yells
    A distant home we'll soon acquire
    Six insurgents at his front welcome him to hell

    just my two cents man

  • 8 years ago

    by Poetic Grunt

    Also i just caught this "so many laughs and smiles" i would put it like this " so many laughs and so many smiles"

  • 8 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    Another gripping write from you... the life of a soldier is so wonderfully narrated here ...

    The tough training period... staying away from home ... the tough life that follows ... how they sacrifice their happiness ... well described... I salute them ..

    A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
    Enlaiden with future remiss
    His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
    The love of his other he lacks.
    ^^
    loved these lines.. specially the sinful pact part ...

    wonderful write...
    keep writing :)

  • 8 years ago

    by Teria

    "While patriotism is the thought that will sear."
    - I don't like this line. Well, I do but not for that stanza. Maybe you can remove it, put it somewhere else or just completely, and then change the last line in that stanza into 2 lines.

    "His boots worn from too many miles
    Memories of home already burning through his mind,
    So many laughs and smiles.
    His heart and family across Atlantic bind."
    - Loved those lines.

    This is a good poem. I think that you should watch how you word yourself and keep an eye on things that sound a bit off. There were a few spots where I had to re-read. Overall though it's a good poem. The meaning is great, which is what makes the poem good. Your writing is okay. It's definitely a poem I'll remember.

  • 8 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    I loved this piece, the title couldnt have fit the poem better, it is literally a poem in the eyes of a soldier. You both did a great job using the prospective of a soldier, you made us feel the reality through every single word. Reading this piece, I found the vocabulary to be quite simple yet some lines blew me away, by the way they were worded.

    For example:
    "Penetrating echos of fallen shells."
    `Flawlessly written, the word penetrating was used perfectly here.. it made the scene feel all that more real.

    Wonderful collab written by the both of you. I know it take a lot of courage to enlist and fight for this country. I loved how in the first stanza the person was questioning if they wanted to even take the risk because of all the hostilities in Iraq thus far. I see this is a series of poems and I cant wait to read the other parts.. it's already bringing tears to my eyes. I'm anxious to see what both have come up with in part 2.

    Well done.
    5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Gizmo

    The stanza that i liked the best :

    At eighteen years of age,
    Contemplating the possibilities.
    Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
    Even though all the hostilities
    - you adress the issue within the first stanza and outline the danger, scene and the fact that there is not just older people in the army there are actually young men there at 18. its a sad but true fact.

    To defend our national homeland,
    Where with our brethren he will part,
    To warfare on the great white sands
    As patriot, his destiny he will chart.
    - i think that the words in this stanza flow wonderfully. the contrast betwen the warfare and the great white sands, it is well done, considering the devastation that well end there.

    A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
    Enlaiden with future remiss
    His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
    The love of his other he lacks.
    - this is a rather sad verse, i hate seeing in the news how these young men die, and they are innocent, but i'm taking the other meaning out of this, how when these young men come home they are so overwhelmed with what they have seen that the innocence of their heart is taken/broken/cracked.

    His boots worn from too many miles
    Memories of home already burning through his mind,
    So many laughs and smiles.
    His heart and family across Atlantic bind.

    Seeking shelter under fire,
    Penetrating echos of fallen shells.
    A distant home we'll soon acquire
    Six insurgents, should we repel?
    -
    you capture this so well its so well done, so much emotion and it shows hope, but its distant and he may never get to see it, its a sad concept.

    all i have negative to say is be careful at the start of the sentences they do not all have to start with a capital letters.
    anyway greta language skills.

    loved it well done keep it up x it really did near bring me to tears it is something that should be addressed more often especially with the current economy in the world and how awful this is.

  • 8 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Military officers await ahead.
    Slowly striding down the road,
    Wearing white, blue and red
    While whistling our national ode."

    Perfectly worded here, good rhyming and you wrote this flawlessly in the eyes of soldier. Nice emotions, this is very touching...

    "To defend our national homeland,
    Where with our brethren he will part,
    To warfare on the great white sands
    As patriot, his destiny he will chart."

    Wonderful flow, and you really have me entranced in your words.

    "A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
    Enlaiden with future remiss
    His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
    The love of his other he lacks."

    This really is heartfelt, and you capture the emotions of it all wonderfully here.

    I really won't forget this poem and its going on my favorites. It takes so much courage to go and fight, knowing that you might not come back alive, but well done...This really touched my heart deep down..5/5 from me, take care and keep writing, always and forever...

  • 8 years ago

    by Nobodys Hero

    The rhyming flow was carried through very well in each stanza making the poem easier and more interesting to read =]

    As for the topic of the poem, war has always been a subject I find terribly sad and I felt that whilst reading this poem. It's a very good collab you kept me captivated and wanting to read on deeper into the story.

    Overall a very strong piece which makes the reader think about the topic and I always find that these types of poems are the ones that are rememberd 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by BREEawNUHH

    "At eighteen years of age,
    Contemplating the possibilities.
    Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
    Even though all the hostilities?"

    = For the most part, I liked this stanza. Good choice of words. The last line, however, threw me off a bit. I think 'though' would sound better as 'with' -- "even with all the hostilities".

    "A young man in the making,
    Fighting undenying fears
    To leave his home, a practical undertaking,
    While patriotism is the thought that will sear."

    = This is good. I like how you talk about what the person who is contemplating fighting for his country is really thinking. I do, though, feel like the last line threw off the flow a bit. I think it's the 'the' and the 'that'.

    "Military officers await ahead.
    Slowly striding down the road,
    Wearing white, blue and red
    While whistling our national ode."

    = Ah, an amazing stanza. Perfect, in my opinion. Flow is excellent, and are the rhymes and your word choice.

    "To defend our national homeland,
    Where with our brethren he will part,
    To warfare on the great white sands
    As patriot, his destiny he will chart."

    = This is really nice. Again, your rhymes and word choices are great.

    "Basic training now in store,
    And soon flying to harms way.
    Fellow soldiers must rapport,
    United as one we'll never betray."

    = I like this a lot. Not only are you talking about the person fighting for his country, but you're talking about his journey and what he must go through. It's awesome. :)

    "A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
    Enlaiden with future remiss
    His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
    The love of his other he lacks."

    = The flow here was good until I got to the last line. Sometimes it works to switch a sentence or statement around ('he lacks' being after rather then before), but I don't think it works here.

    "15th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Battalion
    Camouflaged in hiding behind enemy lines.
    Shots flying past, as I run like a wild stallion
    Watching out for those dirty hidden mines."

    = Ah, I liked this. I hate to repeat myself, but what else can I say? Word choice and rhymes are really good. :)

    "His boots worn from too many miles
    Memories of home already burning through his mind,
    So many laughs and smiles.
    His heart and family across Atlantic bind."

    = In the second line, I don't think the word "already" is entirely necessary. I think if it were to be taken out, the poem would still be just as amazing, and it would make this stanza look a bit more flattering.

    "Seeking shelter under fire,
    Penetrating echos of fallen shells.
    A distant home we'll soon acquire
    Six insurgents, should we repel?"

    = This is good. I like that you ended this part with a question, as it makes the readers want to read even more. :)

    ``Briana

  • 8 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    "At eighteen years of age,
    Contemplating the possibilities.
    Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
    Even though all the hostilities?"

    ^^ I adore theswe opening lines, thought provoking and moving and pulls me right into the piece.

    "A young man in the making,
    Fighting undenying fears
    To leave his home, a practical undertaking,
    While patriotism is the thought that will sear."

    ^^I'm not to sure on this stanza..the piece starts of incredibly strong and this stanza seems to become a little weaker than what I was expecting.

    "Military officers await ahead.
    Slowly striding down the road,
    Wearing white, blue and red
    While whistling our national ode.

    To defend our national homeland,
    Where with our brethren he will part,
    To warfare on the great white sands
    As patriot, his destiny he will chart."

    ^^favourite stanzas so far. The flow here is flawless, words just roll right of the tongue, imagery is beautifully painted creating such vivid pictures in my mind and the emotion and depth is overwhelming.

    "Basic training now in store,
    And soon flying to harms way.
    Fellow soldiers must rapport,
    United as one we'll never betray.

    A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
    Enlaiden with future remiss
    His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
    The love of his other he lacks."

    ^^ This is more like it =) I'm finding this piece to become stronger and stronger throughout now, and the emotion here pulls on the heartstrings, and I can't wait to continue on.

    "15th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Battalion
    Camouflaged in hiding behind enemy lines.
    Shots flying past, as I run like a wild stallion
    Watching out for those dirty hidden mines.

    His boots worn from too many miles
    Memories of home burning through his mind,
    So many laughs and smiles.
    His heart and family across Atlantic bind."

    ^^ Ohhhh, these stanzas brought tears to my eyes..the depth here is incredible and as I'm halfway through the entry requirements for the army myself, this creates such conflicting emotions for me.

    "Seeking shelter under fire,
    Penetrating echos of fallen shells.
    A distant home we'll soon acquire
    Six insurgents, should we repel? "

    ^^Love this closing, I liked how you left it open for the reader to take any way they wanted, and found this to be a beautiful way to wrap up this piece.

    You can always tell when a collab is good when you can't tell who wrote what as is the case here, and once I get some more free time, I'll certainly be reading the other installments of this.

    Beautiful work!

  • 8 years ago

    by Sapphire

    "At eighteen years of age,
    Contemplating the possibilities.
    Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
    Even though all the hostilities?"

    -I like this stanza because it immediatly addresses the issue at hand.

    "A young man in the making,
    Fighting undenying fears
    To leave his home, a practical undertaking,
    While patriotism is the thought that will sear."

    -This verse makes the reader sympathize with the guy. It shows how young he still is.
    And how much life he still has left to live. This is very nicely written here

    "Military officers await ahead.
    Slowly striding down the road,
    Wearing white, blue and red
    While whistling our national ode."

    -I like how you switch the colors around because most people say red, white, and blue. You take it and make it to where the reader wants to keep paying attention.

    "To defend our national homeland,
    Where with our brethren he will part,
    To warfare on the great white sands
    As patriot, his destiny he will chart."

    -This is worded very nicely, and leaves the reader with a sense of mystery.

    "Basic training now in store,
    And soon flying to harms way.
    Fellow soldiers must rapport,
    United as one we'll never betray."

    -This verse seems sort of forced rhyme, to me, but it still works overall.

    "A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
    Enlaiden with future remiss
    His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
    The love of his other he lacks."

    -It took me awhile to really get this versre and what it meant. Most of the time, I wouldn't like that, but in this case it gives the poem more depth.

    "15th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Battalion
    Camouflaged in hiding behind enemy lines.
    Shots flying past, as I run like a wild stallion
    Watching out for those dirty hidden mines."

    -This is a good verse because it shows that you did research. It also gives you a setting, and you feel as though you're actually there.

    "His boots worn from too many miles
    Memories of home burning through his mind,
    So many laughs and smiles.
    His heart and family across Atlantic bind."

    -This verse is very well written, and it really gets into a soldier's mind. It shows people what a real soldier might be thinking.

    "Seeking shelter under fire,
    Penetrating echos of fallen shells.
    A distant home we'll soon acquire
    Six insurgents, should we repel?"

    -This got confusing for me, *six insurgents, should we repel?* I mean it goes from the soldier's mind to what he's doing in battle. It wasn't that smooth of a transition. Unless you did that on purpose.

    I really liked this poem. It was well written. It had a theme of being a soldier, and of a boy evolving. The rhyming itself at the end became a little forced but still it served its purpose. This poem did touch me though, and has emotion so i'll give it a 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Jordan W

    At eighteen years of age,
    Contemplating the possibilities.
    Warfare in Iraq, should I engage,
    Even though all the hostilities?
    //my mates a canadian soldier and went over a few days ago, this really strikes home to me, I read the first paragraph and it just slammed me.

    A young man in the making,
    Fighting undenying fears
    To leave his home, a practical undertaking,
    While patriotism is the thought that will sear.
    //i love how true this part is, how you admit to the fears a soldier has, and how you despensed with the bravado of most soldiers and really struck home.

    Military officers await ahead.
    Slowly striding down the road,
    Wearing white, blue and red
    While whistling our national ode.

    To defend our national homeland,
    Where with our brethren he will part,
    To warfare on the great white sands
    As patriot, his destiny he will chart.
    //this part tells of how a man grabs hold of his own destiny and shapes it to his will which follows how i see life.

    Basic training now in store,
    And soon flying to harms way.
    Fellow soldiers must rapport,
    United as one we'll never betray.

    A Soldier signs a sinful pact.
    Enlaiden with future remiss
    His innocent heart to soon be cracked.
    The love of his other he lacks.
    //i know how it is to be away from the one you love. this part along with others really struck home. i love how you said "His innocent heart soon to be cracked." very powerful in showing how harsh war is.

    15th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Battalion
    Camouflaged in hiding behind enemy lines.
    Shots flying past, as I run like a wild stallion
    Watching out for those dirty hidden mines.

    His boots worn from too many miles
    Memories of home burning through his mind,
    So many laughs and smiles.
    His heart and family across Atlantic bind.

    Seeking shelter under fire,
    Penetrating echos of fallen shells.
    A distant home we'll soon acquire
    Six insurgents, should we repel?

    This entire poem struck home to me. I loved every line of it, it flowed perfectly as I read it and it struck home to deep feelings in me line after line. Amazing mate.
    5/5 no doubt.