A nice write as for the story, I feel it would be so much better if the rhythm worked even if only as well as the rhyme. Rhythm that which separaetes the written word into either poetry or prose. As alway an opinion.
9 years ago
by Cyber Saiyan
Right off the start, I liked the title of the poem.
There's a fire burning inside my soul
The flames call you're name
It melts the frozen heart I had
These feelings are all too insane
** I enjoyed the first line, it really helped to set the mood of the poem. In the second line, I think you should add the word OUT after CALL: THE FLAMES CALL OUT YOUR NAME. Using the extra word help to complete the thought. Also, YOU'RE should be YOUR. YOU"RE is short for YOU ARE. In the third sentence, I didn't like the word IT at the beginning of the sentence. I would suggest using MELTING instead of IT MELTS.
In the darkness, you're my light
I walk to your everlasting voice
Running faster with every step
Your love, my willing choice
** Another good stanza. I suggest flip flopping the first line though: YOU ARE MY LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS. The way you have it written sounds backwards, like the subject precedes the actions. This is pretty nit-picky, but I think it sounds better the new way. The last line seems incomplete to me as well. You have two nouns listed, but no actions or verbs. Maybe you could try YOUR LOVE IS MY WILLING CHOICE instead.
Take my hand and we'll fly
To a place we'll forever stay
From the sunshine in the horizon
To the exotic moonlight's ray
** In the first line here, I would add the word AWAY at the end to help close out the thought. Doing this would kinda throw off the flow a little with 3 of the 4 lines rhyming. I was not fond of the MOONLIGHTS RAY part though because it should read MOONS RAYS. Because you're not speaking of only one ray, you need to plural S on the end of ray. I thought you could rhyme FLY AWAY with FOREVER STAY and it would sound better. Again, just my personal opinion.
Heart's locked in time forever
Our soul's eternally intertwined
Nothing will surpass this loving bond
It was built to withstand time
** Great closing stanza, it reiterated the subject and completed the poem as a whole.
** Overall, the poem was very well written. I pointed out a few minor details, but they are nothing to worry about too much. I would say 4/5 for the rating, but I don't want to bring your current rating down. It didn't have that WOW factor worthy of a 5, but was far better than a 3.
** Please feel free to PRAISE my comment if you found it helpful.