Obsession

by holly   Jan 19, 2009


My darling boy,
Here is my confession.
As of the other day,
You became my obsession.

I can't stop thinking of you,
And it's getting pathetic.
When I over analyse,
Absolutely everything.

Every word you say,
Every gesture you make,
Please make it clear to me,
For my sanity's sake.

What do you want?
What are you thinking?
Why is it you only hold my hand,
When you've been drinking?

What is she to you?
Could you like me the same?
I'm so utterly confused,
Getting tired of this guessing game

Do you just want to be friends?
Or when you put your hand in mine,
Do you feel the same electricity,
That makes being with you so sublime?

It can't be healthy,
to think about you all the time.
But, it's only natural, right?
For me to want to make you mine...

But, i can't let myself do this,
I can't let my thoughts run away with me.
Cause it only causes pain.
When you do not feel the same!

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Latest Comments

  • 15 years ago

    by holly

    Wow, thanks a lot, that was really helpful and i like a lot of your suggestions and will definitely use some so thanks :)

  • 15 years ago

    by Teria

    My darling boy,
    Here is my confession.
    As of the other day,
    You became my obsession.
    (4, 6, 6, 7)

    I can't stop thinking about you,
    And it's getting kind of pathetic,
    When i over analyse,
    Absolutely everything.
    (8, 9, 7, 7)

    - I'm not too fond of this stanza, mostly because the word usage, rather than syllable count. Which is pretty consistent through-out it.

    Try;
    [I can't stop thinking of you,
    and it's getting pathetic.
    When I over analyze,
    absolutely everything]
    (7, 7, 7, 7)

    - Wow, that's almost perfect syllable count. It flows better with the previous stanza as well, syllable wise. And, the first two lines sound better to me.

    Every word you say,
    Every gesture you make,
    Please make it clear to me,
    For my sanity's sake.
    (5, 6, 6, 6)

    What do you want?
    What are you thinking?
    Why is it you only hold my hand,
    When you've been drinking?
    (4, 5, 9, 5)

    What's she to you?
    Could you ever like me the same?
    I'm so utterly confused,
    And am getting tired of this guessing game.
    (4, 8, 7, 10)
    - Here the syllable count is doubling from the first to second line. I'd suggest changing those two to:

    [What is she to you?
    Could you like me the same?]
    (5, 6)

    - Second lines are ALMOST the same, they're pretty far apart. Maybe try;
    [I'm so utterly confused,
    I'm tired of this guessing game]
    (7, 8)

    NOTE: See the evenness in the stanza now? There's a difference, a huge difference. It gradually works up in syllables AND emotion. (:

    Do you just want to be friends?
    Or when you put your hand in mine,
    Do you feel the same electricity,
    That makes being with you so sublime?
    (7, 8, 10, 9)
    - This stanza doesn't fit as well with the rest, but I must say the vocabulary in it is amazing. Reason it doesn't fit: To me the rest of the poem is simple, and this is a bit more emotional ... with the word usage.

    It cant be healthy,
    For me to think about you all the time.
    But it only natural, right?
    For me to want to make you mine...
    (5, 10, 7, 8)

    -You've doubled the syllable count from first to second line. Try;

    [It can't be healthy,
    to think about you all the time.]
    (5, 8)

    Last two lines aren't worded grammatically right.

    Try:
    [But, it's only natural, right?
    For me to want to make you mine...]
    (7, 8)

    But I can't let myself do it,
    Can't have my imagination run away with me,
    Cause it only causes pain
    When you do not feel the same!
    (8, 13, 7, 7,)

    - 13 is way too high a number for the rest of the lines. Try;

    [But, i can't let myself do this,
    I can't let my thoughts run away with me.
    Cause it only causes pain.
    When you do not feel the same!]
    (8, 10, 7, 7)

    The poem itself is overall decent enough. You've done a good job settin emotions and sticking with them. Your word usage is pretty much consistent, minus one stanza. It's all simple, then that one is different, then it goes back to simple. But, that's okay. It gives the poem a caramel center to the chocolate, eh.

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "What's she to you?
    Could you ever like me the same?
    Im so utterly confused,
    and am getting tired of this guessing game."

    Third line: "Im" should be "I'm".

    "It cant be healthy,
    for me to think about you all the time.
    But it only natural, right?
    for me to want to make you mine..."

    First line: "cant" should be "can't".

    Throughout this piece sometimes you capitalize the first word of every line, sometimes you don't. I would just capitalize the first letter of the first word in every line, that way the format is nicer.

    "But i cant let myself do it,
    cant have my imagination run away with me
    cause it only causes pain
    when you do not feel the same!"

    First line: "cant" should be "can't".
    And same for the second line.

    Otherwise I really enjoyed reading this love poem, your wording was great and it was a pleasure to read from start to finish. 5/5 from me, take care...

  • 15 years ago

    by Nobodys Hero

    Aww this poem has a very sad ending but it was an enjoyable read =] The flow was nice and consistant and the rhyming added more quality to the piece, great job