Comments : Stolen By Night

  • 10 years ago

    by Mister 47

    This piece is very good piece to read not jsut one but more then once , but from reading it , i dont think you should forgive himm day after day , i think you shoudl forgive yourself first.

    yes you are capable to get over this , and get over him , you are strong . and i know you are . and say it is a very unluky guy , to have done this to you ,

    i enjoyed the poem but 1 remark about the rhyming it was perfect except 3rd stanza back and relax dont mix good ^_^

    great poem

  • 10 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    "I'm entirely capable of taking your criticism
    And I'll turn it around to make sense in my mind
    Your words and your actions cut deep to my soul,
    But I'm bound to forget it; just give me time."

    ^^I love these opening lines, I found them to be filled with pain to begin with yet mixed with hope in the last line which made for a good transition within the opening stanza.

    "Every song I ever sung along to
    And every poem that I might have read
    Twist and turn playing reels unending
    Trying to erase what I know you said."

    ^^I really liked this, because now I'm wondering just what was said, and wanting to find out more. It creates a sense of mystery and leaves me intriqued (sp?)

    "Maybe I should just try to forget it
    Let go, move on, and take a step back
    Release all your actions and all of my anger,
    Bow down, retreat, and try to relax.

    Ignore your existence once and for all
    Go back to my shell and resume being cold
    Forgive you a little as each day passes
    For not being the one that I wanted to hold."

    ^^I love the emotion and depth portrayed within these stanzas, the feelings are clear through the written words and bring out many emotions in me.

    "I knew somewhere hidden that it was never you
    Knew it by your smile, your touch, your embrace
    But still I held on as the credits started to play
    Trying to find some sort of feeling to trace."

    ^^I enjoyed this stanza, the feeling of trying to find something that isn't there is something that many can relate to and you capture that well here.

    "The words that you uttered when you finally left me
    Embedded within me and hurt more than you know
    But I'm not a performer and I'm not breaking down
    So you're wasting your time if you're expecting a show."

    ^^Ahhh! Favourite stanza of the piece, I frikken love the last two lines, so much power and depth, so much impact on the reader, beautiful imagery and I like the sense of being strong.

    "For a fashion we belonged to each other
    Just for a time what we had was just right
    Until the morning we woke up to realize
    The love we thought existed stole away in the night."

    ^^I found the flow to be slightly of in the last line here, maybe try shortening it a little?

    "I'm entirely capable of taking your criticism
    And I'll turn it around to make sense in my mind
    Your words and your actions cut deep to my soul
    But I'm bound to forget it; just give me time."

    ^^I thought the repetition worked well here, got the point across well without becoming overbearing, and a beautiful way to wrap the piece up.

    I love this.

  • 10 years ago

    by Teria

    "But I'm bound to forget it; just give me time."
    [But I'm bound to forget, just give me time.]
    - Truthfully it sounds better without the 'it' and there's no need for a ; rather a ,

    "Every song I ever sung along to
    And every poem that I might have read"
    [Every song I every sung along with,
    every poem that I might have read]
    - With this stanza the second line seems too long and the first didn't sound correct to me with the whole 'along to' rather than 'along with' I guess that part is just a personal preference, but I do suggest changing the second line. it makes it grammatically parallel and such.

    Poetry is one thing that ALWAYS needs to be grammatically parallel. I didn't check your age or anything like that but you learn that in 12th grade and on into college. So, with the next stanza I'd change from this:

    "Maybe I should just try to forget it
    Let go, move on, and take a step back
    Release all your actions and all of my anger,
    Bow down, retreat, and try to relax."
    To:[Maybe I should try to forget.
    Let go, move on, take a step back
    Release all your actions, all of my anger,
    Bow down, retreat, try to relax.]

    NOTE: The second and last line you can keep 'and' after the second commalist because that part is still parallel just personal preference.

    Remember (if you take my changes further than just consideration) to change everything out if it's repeated.

    Overall you have a great poem here. The only problem is the parallel-ness of the whole thing. I think that a lot of writers use syllable count to keep this going correctly and some just write from the heart and it flows well. But, even if it's not parallel it can flow okay. Yours does. But it has po ssibilities to flow better, keep that in mind.

  • 9 years ago

    by The Prince

    Let me explain something that you'll probably learn anyway if you ever have poetry classes or workshops. Poems like these are poems that are basically 'expressions' of the narrator; it's as if it's only written to vent feelings or sadness. Whilst that's good, you need to realise that it's nearly impossible for the reader to be let in to the piece because it's 'me' adressing 'you'. If the narrator was describing 'you' in the third person 'him', it might be better or you could show the reader what's happening instead of telling us. You'll get the hang of it, and you'll need to if you want to be involved with publications. Have awareness that you will have a reader and give them something to take from it.

    'I'm entirely capable of taking your criticism
    And I'll turn it around to make sense in my mind'

    Since you have 'criticscm' then 'it', it suggests that there is only one criticsm? What is that? You don't actually tell the reader so what's the point of the lines being there?

    'Your words and your actions cut deep to my soul,
    But I'm bound to forget it; just give me time.'

    Again 'it' implies singular, whereas words and actions are plurals? Also this is too vague. Words and actions don't give anything really. They're just nouns, and abundances of nouns are hard to comprehend.

    'Every song I ever sung along to
    And every poem that I might have read
    Twist and turn playing reels unending
    Trying to erase what I know you said.'

    How does a poem you 'might' have read play reels? Why the ambiguity of 'might'?

    'Maybe I should just try to forget it
    Let go, move on, and take a step back
    Release all your actions and all of my anger,
    Bow down, retreat, and try to relax.'

    Should be 'all of your actions', and you'd benefit from separating that first and second line with a hyphon. This could be a good verse for a song haha.

    'Ignore your existence once and for all
    Go back to my shell and resume being cold
    Forgive you a little as each day passes
    For not being the one that I wanted to hold.'

    Is it that you want to ignore his 'existence' or you are? If it's the latter then you're contradicting yourself by talking about him for the rest of the poem. If it's the first - make it clearer. You could have brought the 'shell' image out more, but it's not that original anyway.

    'I knew somewhere hidden that it was never you
    Knew it by your smile, your touch, your embrace
    But still I held on as the credits started to play
    Trying to find some sort of feeling to trace.'

    How can you know the person you dont want to hold by their smile, their touch and their embrace? Might make sense to you but I'm a bit lost here. So the credits symbolise the end of the relationship? There's too many feelings here, and its a confused poem because the narrator becomes annoying and I want them to stop complaining.

    'The words that you uttered when you finally left me
    Embedded within me and hurt more than you know
    But I'm not a performer and I'm not breaking down
    So you're wasting your time if you're expecting a show.'

    So they left you? Whereas you seem like the dominant one in this poem. It's as if the narrator is bitter at them for breaking up with them or something. It doesnt make sense for the 'character' to admit to being hurt. Not coherent.

    'For a fashion we belonged to each other
    Just for a time what we had was just right
    Until the morning we woke up to realize
    The love we thought existed stole away in the night.'

    For a fashion? The last line stands out too much and there's a minor syntax error with 'stole away', it should be 'was stole away', unless you break it up with a semi colon.

    You gain nothing from repeating the first stanza at the end, it makes the ending more obscure than it was already.