- "here is where i'd rather be. girl i love you so
- what if you just changed your mind. boy how could i know?
she loved him more than anything. afraid he'd leave anew
but he kept sayin - don't you mind. i'll be here with you'

"she couldn't resist the heavenly taste of his fascinating love
after all the hellish nights, she got what she dreamed of
but could she trust his fine words, the magic, would it last
everything that had been going on, it all happened so fast"

"the lovely looks, the sweet smiles, so hard to stay away
captivated in his arms where she would gladly stay
this could be a beginning of something so beautiful
having him was having everything, something incredible"

but this could also end, the fact she couldn't see
no any proof of how long, was this dream to be
once a heart's been broken, it's not easy to trust again
but still so hard to go against and not let it begin

I think this quatrain would be smoother like this
though this could also end, the fact is she couldn't see
any proof of how long, was this dazzling dream to be
once a heart's been broken, it's not easy to trust again
but still so hard to go against and not let it begin

-
- but this could also end, the fact she couldn't see
no any proof of how long, was this dream to be
once a heart's been broken, it's not easy to trust again
but still so hard to go against and not let it begin
-
- the buts could be too redundant for many tastes
- you should be creative with substitutes such as yet
- or even
- this could also end, the fact she couldn't see
any proof of how long, was this dream to be
once a heart's been broken, it's not easy to trust again
but still so hard to go against and not let it begin
-
-
- he lived for the moment, like knowing she'd be there
but her, she devoted her life to him. now this isn't fair
he became cold, the distance grew, he was nearly gone
she was confused, out of her mind, she kept hanging on
-
- -this thing isn't working out. girl i have to go
-well i wish that you'll be happy. boy i love you so.
she loved him more than anything. but he left anew
at least she made him understand, that her love was true

I hope everyone enjoyres readind this poem as much as I did

I can fell the emotion

Sorry i accendently submitted this comment before I proof read

i meant to write 'I hope everone enjoyed reding this as much as i did

I FELT THE EMOTION

The poem seemed to repeat itself quite abit, which made much of the emotion get drawn out of it, making it seem like another bland love-gone-wrong poem. I enjoyed the dialogue parts of it, and i actually believe you should have done the entire poem this way. The switching to normal stanzas seems to make it faulter and boring. Peace and prosperity,

(RKD)