Comments : Death lurking near

  • 8 years ago

    by The Prince

    This was a truly moving and striking piece. The fact that you included the inspiration for it at the end just added to that.

    'Tap tap tap upon the door
    Who could it be at this hour?
    Sleep is imminent
    but at what cost?'

    Use of questioning is a great device, it makes the reader think about what you're asking, you jump right into it. As a reader, I was drawn in to what you were saying.

    'Watching the clock knowing not the hour
    Stillness of combined breaths
    yet from the living
    trying to breathe for him when it's not possible
    His breaths becoming'

    That first line was powerful, and the reptition of 'breath' really drove in what you were saying. You got across a feeling of desperation and weakness.

    'Like it would do any good we are

    Stirring
    Staring
    Pacing
    Praying'

    The dying last attempt. Hope fades when somebody is dying, we do anything we can, turning to religion, contemplating our minds, striving to find an answer and cure that just isn't there. You penned this with excellence, and I applaud you for it. This could have easily been a rant but you've made it poetic, too. You involve the reader with the thoughts.

    You ended with a question, which was fantastic, it allowed the reader to think outside what you were saying, maybe they relate or maybe they just want to think about what you're communicating.

    You captured sadness and desperation so well here. I'm nominating this. Brilliant work.

  • 8 years ago

    by Sylvia

    It is so sad but some families are like this. Cannot wait for the loved one to pass away before they start the bickering over the thought of riches or material things. This is an excellent write. It gets my vote. 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Cindy

    Kay what a heart gripping piece.

    Tap tap tap upon the door
    Who could it be at this hour?
    Sleep is imminent
    but at what cost?

    Sometimes we pray for the end to come to those we love so much. Their pain more then we can bare to see. They hold on for reasons known only to them.

    Watching the clock knowing not the hour
    Stillness of combined breaths
    yet from the living
    trying to breathe for him when it's not possible
    His breaths becoming

    Ragged
    Weak
    Raspy
    Failing

    This pains such a vivid picture at the dath bed of someone who is so tired but keeps trying to live. It is so hard to read this without crying.

    Like it would do any good we are

    Stirring
    Staring
    Pacing
    Praying

    Praying...for what we are not sure

    For the end?
    End to the pain
    for his suffering
    or ours?

    I have asked myself that question so many times through the years. I don't think we will ever have the answer.

    Movement evolves from a frail body,
    Is it a restoration of strength
    Or just death moving in closer?

    Tap Tap Tap upon the door
    Who could it be at this hour
    Sleep is imminent
    But at what cost?

    Maybe just hoping the family will not fall apart when they are gone. People don't realize that when someone is dying and they think they can't hear...They can. Things are said that should not be. That is who will pay in the end. Just the thought of material things meaning more then the person is so heart wrenching.
    Excellent!
    Love Cindy

  • 8 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    It is sad what greed can do to people. More heartbreaking that the children wouldn't want to spend his last days with him. What a powerful and thought provoking piece. Good job!

  • 8 years ago

    by End Of Eternity

    This one is now one of the best i have read. Great theme and the way you wrote it....simply awesome and breathtaking.
    I have personally seen many kids who only cares for the 'will' & thats so sad. I am sure they will pay for their deed.

    all the best and take care

  • 8 years ago

    by ben thompson

    Sad and telling write kay. people can be very petty and fickle. 5/5 thanks for sharing

  • 8 years ago

    by Chocolate Addict

    This is really an interesting write. Your portrayal of death lurking near has really captivate me.I also like the idea of how you reused the the 1st stanza as ur last stanza.Great Job

  • 8 years ago

    by Lyn

    So sad. We all must make that journey yet we hide from the reality. Those who help us when the time comes are a true blessing.