Mindyy! Haha, I haven't talked to you in foreverr! This probably isn't the place to put that though.. so onto the poem. XD
When I first even glanced at the poem.. I loooved the way it was all laid out. Like the structure of it, you know? Grr, I'm not having a very good day with words. Haha.
You know.. I didn't even realize there were no capital letters until I went back and really looked at it. I really like that you did that.. I have no idea why, because usually that -really- bugs me.
Heart enclosed in a doughnut of allergies--
-- That is -such- a strong opening.. I loved the use of the word doughnut.. it was just really unexpected.
the contours of your laugh leave bumps upon my skin
-- Truthfully.. I didn't like the word "bumps". It's like an ugly word for me. I know.. I'm a weird person. XD I mean who thinks words are ugly?
....dusky skies outline sun-cracked lips.
-- Loooooved it. Imagery was amazing here.
run you over in my black Impala--we're even:
-- Omg, that made me laugh. When I think revenge that's one of the things I think of doing, running over them in my car. Probably wasn't supposed to be funny though. A lot of weird things are making me laugh tonight.
half a cigarette for your half healthy lung.
-- I know it's soo common to use cigarette's in poems, but it never gets old to me. I just can't help it.. there's just something about cigarette's that makes me think poetry. So I really loved that line. I also liked how you put it.. like it's okay to have half a cigarette, because half of your lung is healthy even if the other half isn't. XD
-- I really don't get why you put tipping.. did I miss something? o.O
chocolate rimmed with brandy drunk--
-- Ahh, alcohol is another one of those things that just makes me think poetry.. I love it. Oooh, and I also like how you put it with chocolate.. it makes it almost innocent.. when it's soo not.
I've missed reading your stuff sooo much. It's so much better than what I've been writing, but I've kind of gotten really relaxed with my stuff.. I'm just trying to write what I feel.. and when I try to make it better it just turns into something completely different.
Anyways, it was amazing. [Duhh, of course it was, you wrote it.] Haha.
10 years ago
by The Prince
When I read this, I was totally taken aback. I absolutely loved it, excellent title by the way:
'Heart enclosed in a doughnut of allergies--
suffering sugar aches and bitten tongues.
contacts are finally starting to bug my eyes;
even with 20/15 vision, i can't read Braille.'
Using the word doughnut reinforced the idea of the 'sugar aches' echoing in the next line. The idea of a circle (doughnut) shows entrapment and I loved that idea. The last two lines of that stanza were superbly confessional and phonetic, very contemporary language used here. I suppose because you allow the reader entry to the character/persona and it really helps. It was probably my favourite stanza, not saying that the rest wasn't good.
'the contours of your laugh leave bumps upon my skin
only shattered glass could ever understand.
fill the gaps of dented veins and print me photographs;
taste buds can't sample mercury bubbles.'
You have a consistent tone throughout this which I really admire. The reference to another character was introduced which was interesting, suggesting the poem is written to directly mention someone, because you didn't say 'his laugh'.
'Dented veins' wasn't the nicest of images but it really works in the context of the poem.
'intricate jargon puzzles the average mind;'
This was an excellent line. The contradicition in language too. 'Average mind' to 'intricate jargon'. The 'sun cracked' lips give us an image of the persona, quite subtle but it must be important or the inclusion wouldn't have been necessary.
'unlike the lacy push-up bra i wear to beautify
curves that aren't just bumps on a cement street.'
It made me smile reading this because I just loved how you put this. The idea of 'looking good' when you're walking around, and people don't notice. There was a great attitude coming from the persona.
The last stanza summed everything up quite neatly without feeling like a conclusion, it was a satisfying ending to a great poem. Nominating this cause I thought it was excellent. :)