Alight

by mnemosyne   Mar 19, 2009


Beneath the sheets ----
between the s i g h s of dreamers,
under the starflaked sky,
---- over a fervent landscape,

twisting around hearts,
c
-a
--s
----c
-----a
------d
-------i
--------n
---------g
down still souls,
chasing hypocrisy,
building imagination,

there: within and without it all,
rests a soft Desire ~
rosy cheeked and crystal framed,
intricate , delicate ... unexplored.

don't wake to see her.
dream to know her.

March 18th 2009
(c) Novalyn Grace RRL

[This will probably be tweaked quite a bit, because as of now, I sort of hate it (:]

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  • 8 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Beneath the sheets ----
    between the s i g h s of dreamers,
    under the starflaked sky,
    ---- over a fervent landscape,

    *I love this so much. The way you wrote "sighs" is my favorite. It really seems like someone is sighing. I also like "starflaked sky" that such a creative way to say the sjy is full of stars, Beautiful imagery*

    twisting around hearts,
    c
    -a
    --s
    ----c
    -----a
    ------d
    -------i
    --------n
    ---------g

    *LOVE this!!!!! I'm like retartded and have no idea how to do that so I envy youfor doing it so well lol :) *

    down still souls,

    *I'd fine a different word for "still" I don't like how you used it to describe the soul. Maybe "steady souls" or "sacred souls" something like that.*

    chasing hypocrisy,

    *this line was intereasting. I've never heard of someone wanting to chase hypocrisy. Hmmmm that makes me think...I like that :) *

    building imagination,

    *I'd change "building" to creating or something softer. When I think of imagination I thnk of something child-like and innocent and the word "building" gives me an adult feeling. I don't know, maybe it's just me lol*

    there: within and without it all,

    *Instead of the colon I'd but a dash after "there"*

    rests a soft Desire ~

    *I also think it's a little random that you capitalized "desire" where you trying to put emphasis on it or something? I would write it
    the way you wrote "sigh" before. I think that would be a better way to make it stand out*

    rosy cheeked and crystal framed,
    intricate , delicate ... unexplored.

    *Awww this part is lovely. Very sweet and innocent. I love the words you used here, they paint a perfect picture of this person. :)*

    don't wake to see her.
    dream to know her.

    *I love this ending. Wow...It's perfectly flawless and I will never forget them. This was wonderful and so well done. I'm with Bliss and Danny this has to be one of your best. I wish I could nominate it :( but it's a winner to me dear. *huggles* Nik *

  • 8 years ago

    by Blissful

    Nova this has to be one of the best poems I have read in a while. No joke. I am blown away. Everything about it was so amazing and unique that I just wanted to read it over and over again.

    "don't wake to see her.
    dream to know her. "
    ^That is one of the best endings I have ever seen in a poem. It said so much with so little words. I just loved everything about it.

    I would go into more detail but I'm rushing off to class. This is going in my favorites and I am nominating it. Wow. I am still in awe.

    WELL DONE!
    *5/5* :]

  • 8 years ago

    by The Prince

    (Arghh I commented this then my laptop failed, GRRRR) so forgive the recreation.

    I stopped myself from commenting this because of your author's note and I thought if you were going to change it, I'd comment it in it's finalised splendour! But I suppose I've been eagerly waiting to see something new, I'm overlooking that :P.

    I didn't read this piece as a complete poem, I read each stanza as a different piece, which was weird but it did more for me, especially the last couplet. (Your words have a habit of really hitting me).

    'Beneath the sheets ----
    between the s i g h s of dreamers,
    under the starflaked sky,
    ---- over a fervent landscape, '

    The way you spaced out 's i g h s', added a dreamlike quality to it, it prelonged the way I read it and I can't picture the stanza without it being done like that now. This piece is graphologically fantastic, and it's beautiful to look at. Moving on:
    The descriptions here were somewhat contradictory, since we have the zeal and glowing connotations of 'fervent' and 'snowflaked' of which contrasts and conspires to form an interesting mental picture. Hm, :). Pretty language.

    The second stanza continued the tone that the first one left off and I loved how you painted 'cascading'. 'Twisting around hearts' reminded me of something Temps had in her poem, but I think the meaning is different. What I got from that is the idea of hearts being reunited by a dream, by an unreal landscape or something to that effect. 'Building imagination' was also reminscent of that, I guess. I can't get my head around the 'hypocrisy' bit, if you could explain that to me, I'd be more than grateful!

    I love the first line of that third stanza, wow. This stanza made me think of potential hope, or desire that's unfortunately been locked away and remains hidden. It's almost like there's still unexplored territory amid the dreamscape sort of thing you've depicted. I like how this stanza had echoes of sadness. Especially with that ending, in which the punctuation really helps convey it all.

    Like I said, the last two lines hit me, without obvious intention, it's like your 'lack of comfort' poem, just what I'm going through at the moment really allowed me to relate to those last lines.

    Excellent work, again. Even with any future changes you make. It was just nice to see you writing again. :)

    (If I lose this comment now, I'm gonna flip!)

  • 8 years ago

    by Faithless

    Well well, I like how you wrote this is freely but add a little twist of your creativity especially the cascading part, i think that's pretty unique.

    don't wake to see her.
    dream to know her.

    ^^^I like how the way you end this poem. It end it off with a BANG from my opinion. Sometimes we don't really need to be physically there to know the other person.

    Excellent Job
    5/5

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