Comments : It Wasn't Him Who Picked Up The Pieces

  • 8 years ago

    by Atomic

    First off, just want to say that you might want to revise your poem and check for punctuation errors. P&Q is real screwy with that.

    "Sixteen is much more than just a number.
    It's when, for the first time in her life,
    A girl's heart experiences the most powerful emotion;
    The essence of her teenage world: love.
    She free-falls backwards with the impulse,
    Only hoping that the one causing all these feelings,
    That boy that makes her heart pound faster,
    And slower at the same time;
    Is there waiting, ready to catch her."

    -I really like the content of your poem, but it feels as though you're telling a very descriptive story. Nothing wrong with that, I just couldn't detect any kind of rhythm...but not all poems need rhythms.

    "But often, this is not the case.
    He's too busy exploring his options,
    He doesn't notice how fast she's falling...
    And at last, she nears rock bottom.
    And guess what? He's nowhere around.
    She's left so broken, it hurts to breathe.
    Yes, her stained heart is still beating;
    But every pulse spreads the locked-in memories,
    Along with the pain associated, through her veins
    Engulfing her shattered body.
    And yes, she may still be breathing;
    But every breath only longs to catch his scent"

    -Again, very descriptive. I particularly like the last line in this stanza. It's achingly beautiful; the imagery.

    "She foolishly forgot those who really loved her.
    It wans't the boy, who had let her fall so hard,
    That helped her pick up the pieces;
    It was the friends who always caught her in the first place."

    -I can't critique this, it's beautiful. I'm afraid I don't have any helpful suggestions. The only thing for me, is that it doesn't feel like a poem. But that's not a negative thing in this case.

    Good job.

  • WOW this is an amazing poem ... u r incrediable!

  • 8 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    I really enjoyed reading this the free flow made it easy to read yet the wording was eloquently delivered and force the reader gently in to the colder reality following prime passion

    well done

  • 8 years ago

    by Scott C

    Wow. okay. i got your message and i have to say i didnt think i was gonna be impressed but you blew me out of the water. i nominated it in the weekly contest even and i never do that lol.

    anyway my critique is nothing like the comment above me so i apologize in advance. I don't belive art should be critiqued it is a form of expression and you expressed yourself perfectly. i really connected with this and that is the most important thing about writing (being able to touch the reader). All in all perfect poem in my opinion. only thing that would have made it better for me would be some more rhyme buttttt like atomic said not all poems need that and i believe this is a excellent example of one that needs no rhyme to flow with perfection.

    great job =] im not easily impressed if that helps lol =]

  • 8 years ago

    by SoUrNameIsTia

    Awe =]

    thats so true. friends help a lot when u need it. True friends.

    very well written poem. i liked how it was completley clear.

    fav part: " He doesn't notice how fast she's falling..." << that was good. It made me think "oh shit. catch her u idiot. shit:"

    no one likes the feeling of not being caught. it hurts so bad after and the guy never notices.

    very good =]

    5/5

    ~tia

  • 8 years ago

    by RavishingEruption

    This is the most amazing poem I have ever read. I am SO glad you PMd me asking for my input.

    Sixteen is much more than just a number.
    It's when, for the first time in her life,
    A girl's heart experiences the most powerful emotion;
    The essence of her teenage world: love.
    She free-falls backwards with the impulse,
    Only hoping that the one causing all these feelings,
    That boy that makes her heart pound faster,
    And slower at the same time;
    Is there waiting, ready to catch her.

    ^^Being sixteen, and having had my fair share of heartache, this is the most amazing opener. I IMEDIATELY wanted to read further.

    But often, this is not the case.
    He's too busy exploring his options,
    He doesn't notice how fast she's falling...
    And at last, she nears rock bottom.
    And guess what? He's nowhere around.
    She's left so broken, it hurts to breathe.
    Yes, her stained heart is still beating;
    But every pulse spreads the locked-in memories,
    Along with the pain associated, through her veins;
    Engulfing her shattered body.
    And yes, she may still be breathing;
    But every breath only longs to catch his scent...
    Any indication that he's come back for her.

    ^^Totally awesome. Perfect. Truth, through and through. The last line was amazing. And very powerful.

    Once again, for the first time in her life,
    She learns a new emotion, but it is not her own:
    Compassion; coming from everyone she'd left behind,
    Because in the midst of all the kisses and "i love you"s;
    She foolishly forgot those who really loved her.
    It wasn't the boy, who had let her fall so hard,
    That helped her pick up the pieces;
    It was the friends who always caught her in the first place.

    ^^Also very true. So from the heart. You can tell that you experienced the feelings and I love the way it ties in to the title.

    I give it a VERY solid 5/5. Amazing piece. :]

    *R|E*

  • 8 years ago

    by Katie Lady

    Awww! You're writing about Jason Ryan :(
    I thought this was beautiful and so so true. Boys are stupid, always choose friends over them lol. I loved the flow and the word choice and the message. I thought this was great! 5/5 :)

  • 8 years ago

    by rebeccasarah

    I'm going to agree with Atmoic,
    it doesnt always feel like a poem.. but I'm glad it doesnt.
    this was amazing. The descriptions were breathtaking. Im at a loss for words to tell you how beautiful this was.
    Although, being able to get away with a lack of rhythm, might not always work, so be careful on that! (:

  • 8 years ago

    by The Prince

    I'm glad you've stopped doing that thing with your punctuation.

    You told the reader here; nearly the whole poem is told, not 'shown' and there's nothing for the reader except some 'relation' to the topic, nothing in terms of imagery, or metaphor. I can't pull this apart, it just reads like something from a teenage blog. I'm sorry but these type of 'poems' are being written faster than any other form or type. The ending has promise - it's as if you subvert the reader's expectations of a happy ending with the 'male' character. You need to get into the character's head a bit more, there's nothing really for the reader here.

  • 8 years ago

    by Sylvia

    Very nice. It's a good thing that you remembered who is always there to pick up the pieces, not the self-centered so called people who love you but true friends. Well done.

  • 8 years ago

    by Ashley CC

    Kayy this poem was seriusly amazingg.
    like i just fell in love with it , descrptive and everthing. Deff a true story from the heart.
    love itt keep up the good workk!

  • 8 years ago

    by Gizmo

    Right firstly this was amazing its such a real and true poem that many many girls on this site and possibly the boys to will understand it. its simple, the simplier the better on my behalf and you can really get lost in it. :)

    its a strong opening outlining the age and what the girl is feeling. That boy that makes her heart pound faster,
    And slower at the same time;
    Is there waiting, ready to catch her.
    this line is such a pick me up but a let me down, because you can feel that he really isn't going to be there no matter how much she deludes herself into think that he will be and that is really upseting.

    He's too busy exploring his options,
    He doesn't notice how fast she's falling...
    And at last, she nears rock bottom.
    And guess what? He's nowhere around.
    that is so true i've felt it before and guys at that age really do do that so thanks for keeping it so real

    Once again, for the first time in her life,
    She learns a new emotion, but it is not her own:
    Compassion; coming from everyone she'd left behind,
    Because in the midst of all the kisses and "i love you"s;
    She foolishly forgot those who really loved her.
    It wasn't the boy, who had let her fall so hard,
    That helped her pick up the pieces;
    It was the friends who always caught her in the first place.
    that is one of the best writen endings i have read to a poem like this, its a lesson and you worded it well to emphasis to people that they do leave those behind them on there new quest of something more special.

    i loved it truely i did. i'll be nominating it for the contest xx

  • 8 years ago

    by Cayce

    I really loved the message in this poem, because it was very true.. but I think you could have worded it in an more interesting way, I guess. Metaphors are good, and so is imagry. You were just kind of telling a story.. and it got kind of where you already know what's going to happen so why read anymore. Sorry if that offends you or something, just trying to help. :]

    I really really did like what you were trying to say though. Great message. Very relatable.

    Keep writing!

    Cayce

  • I reallly like it.
    The word use and the way that you descibe it is all so real and irs raw.
    Well done

    xxx

  • 8 years ago

    by DirgeVenustas

    This was beautiful. i enjoyed the absolute truth in this, it was sad but with a happy twist, im no girl but i could imagine that this is very truthful for many. great job

  • 8 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    "Sixteen is much more than just a number.
    It's when, for the first time in her life,
    A girl's heart experiences the most powerful emotion;"
    `Just reading the first three lines I can tell this is going to sound like a speech, is that how poems are supposed to really be? Its a good opening dont get me wrong but it just seems like youre going to blabble and give us this whole speech. We'll see.

    "The essence of her teenage world: love.
    She free-falls backwards with the impulse,
    Only hoping that the one causing all these feelings,"
    `I loved how you said 'essence of her teenaged world" - really liked that a lot.

    "That boy that makes her heart pound faster,
    And slower at the same time;
    Is there waiting, ready to catch her."
    `You almost went like too indepth with this one, for one - dont use heart again, you just used that and its silly to have such repetition. You could have used something else. You didnt really have much originality in the whole your heart pounding faster and slower at the same time. You took that quote and put it into your poem, if I were you I'd make it your own instead of taking something cliche and putting it into your poem.

    "But often, this is not the case.
    He's too busy exploring his options,
    He doesn't notice how fast she's falling...
    And at last, she nears rock bottom."
    `I dont really see the unique or originality in this piece, it just seems like something Ive heard before. Some girl falls for this one guy but yet he doesnt realize shes falling so now she's going to get hurt.. right? I almost feel like youre not giving the reader the ablility to infer. Its not that unique of a piece, and doesnt make the reader think much, we kind of know what may happen. Again, I'm gonna warn you.. this sounds like a speech or something, it doesnt sound like much of a poem. Just being honest.

    "And guess what? He's nowhere around.
    She's left so broken, it hurts to breathe.
    Yes, her stained heart is still beating;"
    `Just what I figured, haha. See, you have let the reader think, dont just give it away.. make them dig deeper in order to comprehend. Dont give it away :/ I dont like the repetition of heart again, youve already used it three times. Use different words or reword your sentences so that you dont have to use heart.

    "But every pulse spreads the locked-in memories,
    Along with the pain associated, through her veins;
    Engulfing her shattered body."
    `Do you really need the 'but' at the beginning here? I think you could actually eliminate that. Overall though - these lines seemed pretty good I loved your vocabulary. [engulfing esp.]

    "And yes, she may still be breathing;
    But every breath only longs to catch his scent...
    Any indication that he's come back for her."
    `Eh this was okay.. but didnt like how you said breathing then breath. Synoymn for breath would be better here.

    "Once again, for the first time in her life,
    She learns a new emotion, but it is not her own:
    Compassion; coming from everyone she'd left behind,
    Because in the midst of all the kisses and "i love you"s;
    She foolishly forgot those who really loved her."
    `This was good, still sounds like a speech but a well thoughout write.

    "It wasn't the boy, who had let her fall so hard,
    That helped her pick up the pieces;
    It was the friends who always caught her in the first place. "
    `I liked this, what a good ending! The overall lesson learned is said here.

    Some minor things I think you should change, but otherwise it wasnt too bad.. but I'm not going to say it was a poem either, it was more of like a paper or a speech-like write.

    Sorry if I sounded harsh at all, taht wasnt my intention just giving my honest input on your poem as requested.

    Temps [Beyond a Poets Mind]

  • 8 years ago

    by Lethmelodis

    Sixteen is much more than just a number.
    It's when, for the first time in her life,
    A girl's heart experiences the most powerful emotion;
    The essence of her teenage world: love.
    She free-falls backwards with the impulse,
    Only hoping that the one causing all these feelings,
    That boy that makes her heart pound faster,
    And slower at the same time;
    Is there waiting, ready to catch her.

    ^^Great start. Typically, I find that rhyming poems flow better, but the lack of rhyme (aside from faster/her) actually moves the poem along quite nicely, almost as though a person is speaking it like a poetic monologue in a Shakespearian manner.

    But often, this is not the case.
    He's too busy exploring his options,
    He doesn't notice how fast she's falling...
    And at last, she nears rock bottom.
    And guess what? He's nowhere around.
    She's left so broken, it hurts to breathe.
    Yes, her stained heart is still beating;
    But every pulse spreads the locked-in memories,
    Along with the pain associated, through her veins;
    Engulfing her shattered body.
    And yes, she may still be breathing;
    But every breath only longs to catch his scent...
    Any indication that he's come back for her.

    ^^ Nice use of contrast in comparison to the first stanza. Continues to carry the same strong, flowing, "feel" to it. Great use of imagery to portray the emotions felt by the girl featured in the piece. I could draw a sense of compassion for her through the vivid imagery you used, and it definately invoked a sense of connection.

    Once again, for the first time in her life,
    She learns a new emotion, but it is not her own:
    Compassion; coming from everyone she'd left behind,
    Because in the midst of all the kisses and "i love you"s;
    She foolishly forgot those who really loved her.
    It wasn't the boy, who had let her fall so hard,
    That helped her pick up the pieces;
    It was the friends who always caught her in the first place.

    ^^ Amazing way to seal the deal. Another strong use of contrast to balance out the piece and pick the reader up from the darker vibe of the second stanza. Excellent use of flow, with a strong message to the reader - a lesson of sorts - that everyone could do with being reminded of.

    "Relationships will come and go, but ultimately, its your friends who will always be there."

    Great job, and a great read. 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by TeXAmoXGummieX

    Awwwwe!! I really liked it alot. It touched me alot. It made me get butterflies in my stomach. 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Countess of Monte Cristo

    You have your own individual style of writing which is very impressive. I loved this piece so very much. But, in the end, people who really love you will come back to you. Sometimes, you have to reach out to them, but those who come back, always loved you. Those who didn't come back or ask for forgiveness, or even forgive you when you asked for forgiveness, never loved you. This is a lesson that will do you good because when i was sixteen, i was as dumb as shit. I hope you'll take this advice and spare yourself the bumpy path that i've been through. Wonderful job. I'll read more of your work. C. Bliss.

  • 8 years ago

    by ToRn iiN2 PeIcEs

    Wow i really like this
    i can realte to it sooo much
    and you did an excellent job 5/5