No False Pretense

You've taken words I believe to be the most overused and meaningless words in the world (I love you) and said I don't need them. The truth is we need to feel love not hear it, anybody can say I love you but very few will sacrafice and travel great lengths to earn love. A very sad write in many ways because this poem is all to real for a lot of children... hope it wasn't in your case. Great work again 5/5

Mother mother, can't I have,
just one cookie tonight?
Not a dozen stale not a dozen dull,
Just one that is right?

^^Great way to start off and catch the reader's attention. Though, I would place a comma after 'stale' in the third line to create a pause.

Can you tell me just one story,
Not a long tale to make me cry.
Just one of dreams and wishes,
Where beneath stars lovers lie?

^^My favorite stanza. Perfectly written.

Can you kiss me and hug goodnight?
I don't want "I love you,"
I want to feel and fill with warmth,
Not empty words untrue.

^^In the first line, I would suggest that you change it to "Can you kiss and hug me goodnight?" & in the third line 'fill' should be 'feel'.

God I pray for good dreams tonight
Not something boring or dull,
Something to make my heart take flight
And make the morning lights hull.

^^Great stanza. Your rhyme scheme is very good throughout the entire piece. Good job.

But mommy shook her head said no,
Nothing for you tonight.
So all I have is God and dreams,
I hope he's real tonight.

^^I loved the ending. I wasnt expecting this as a read along. Also, this last stanza shows the most emotion.

Overall, you did an amazing job with this write. You are a very talented writer. Continue with your gift.

5/5

Kay Jay

This is very good. It touches the core of my heart. The best i red from you so far. Very well done. Intense emotions. 5/5, kel.

Mother mother, can't I have,
just one cookie tonight?
Not a dozen stale not a dozen dull,
Just one that is right?

*i love the beginning, the descriptive words really painted the picture of a child asking for a cookie.*

Can you tell me just one story,
Not a long tale to make me cry.
Just one of dreams and wishes,
Where beneath stars lovers lie?

*another great stanza, the flow was awesome!*

Can you kiss me and hug goodnight?
I don't want "I love you,"
I want to feel and fill with warmth,
Not empty words untrue.

*i like this part as well, but i think the first sentance is too wordy, maybe do "Can you kiss and hug me goodnight" it doesnt really take out any words, but it rearranges them.*

God I pray for good dreams tonight
Not something boring or dull,
Something to make my heart take flight
And make the morning lights hull.

*i like how the person is praying for good dreams... no one wants nightmares or something they cant remember*

But mommy shook her head said no,
Nothing for you tonight.
So all I have is God and dreams,
I hope he's real tonight.

*the poem was full of home up until the mom said no, a sad ending, but it was ver well done!!*

**Nice job on this one, i enjoyed reading it!**

Well laid out. Really Felt this poem so I wasn't suprised when the mother said no. A true reflection of a reality many of us can relate to. Like the innocent aspect to this. Good poem.