I was going to paste one of my favorite stanzas but I liked them all. This was a very emotional poem. As I read I became saddened because it felt as if these were my own thoughts. It's always darkest before the dawn and all things are bound to get better with time. A rating may not matter but 5/5 because this was just great. I liked the style even if it wasn't your normal style. Keep up the greatness ^_~"

I can't actually formulate the words to say how much I liked this poem.

"Are we not to grieve? To lament? To mourn? Impossible.
Where do I find faith with a heaven forsworn? Unreachable."

^^ Absolutely stellar. Masterfully constructed. 5/5.

Down the bottom wat you rote is wrong. haha. There was absolutly nothing rong with this poem it was actually great compared to some things ive red. I am inspired by your riting..

Very (& i mean VERY) well done love.
*Hunny*

Ouch. Erm. It's actually very good until you say 'could of'. It's could HAVE. Or could've. But I'll forgive you. Just remember to use good English. Right, poem.

et your vocabulary lacked all that we desired,

Hmm. A little clincal perhaps? The word vocabulary's too stark, too... mundane I suppose. Have a root around in your head for a good replacement, it'll make a big change.

Are we not to grieve? To lament? To mourn? Impossible.
Where do I find faith with a heaven forsworn? Unreachable.

Nice one. *Nods* Leave that just how it is, it's very good, nice and forward, powerful, concise but not too condensed.

Now I see what you're doing saying one word three times, but. I think you should leave it at the .One word. At the end, and possibly capitalise. It'd pack more punch, says I. I like 'broken the chain of lies', though.

The first stanza's good, nothing particularly 'oomph' but good anyway - though I like the shine with shame bit, that's good.

So yeah, overall, very good - heartfelt. I just feel there are some bits that if the entire poem carried that entire quality, it would go from that, to excellent.

I think you should have a breif description of what an 'Elegy' is, not many people know that it is a mournful poem more so a lament for the dead.

I liked the begining of this poem, brought the reader right in and captured a feeling which is to be portrayed through out the rest of the read. Nice Job!

'One word could of prevented our many cries, one word
may have broke the chain of lies. One word.'

I felt this part could of been more powerful if you broke it up a little so that 'One word.' is by itself, since it holds a deeper meaning. So for example:

'One word could of prevented our many cries,
one word may have broke the chain of lies.

One word.'

By having it stand alone it brings deeper meaning to it. At least those are my thoughts on that part of your write.

I really liked this next portion in your poem. I love questions in poems, it makes the reader ponder and think deeper than usual.

Nice finish, it greatly sums up your feelings in a nutshell and portrays the rest of the poem nicely.

Overall nice write, keep up the great work.

Peace, Joe

I wouldn't change a thing either, it's perfect.

5/5

A true writter is never satisfied, I know exactly what you mean...
But I believe you've done a great job... I like this piece a lot.
"One word could of prevented our many cries, one wordmay have broke the chain of lies. One word"
Very powerful standza, I feel these words...

Great job.

What I liked about this piece, Lisa is the tone which carried it. It was an honest poem, and it seemed really close to you so I won't 'pick it apart', I'll just say that imperfection is a funny thing. An editor, or publisher, or even a fellow poet (often the case here) will see flaws within your work but if you're happy, that's all that matters. All they are, are opinions. The only thing I'd suggest is the last stanza could have been delivered better without that second line. 'Empty promises' seemed detatched to me, and is a bit vague and unneeded against the last line which is sort of the..conclusion or how you've brought the title to effect. You could rephrase that second line but obviously this is just my opinion. :)

I liked the subtle rhyme in this poem, it didn't seem forced which I gotta hand it to you for. Rhyme's hard to pull off nowadays.
I loved the honest approach too; admired the work put into this.

Well written Lisa :)

Thank you for the comment on one of my poems awhile back and so I will return the favor. =]
This poem had small things that could be changed, but the fact is that this is a beautiful piece. Don't be so quick to say things were wrong.
I'll be reading more of your poetry because you seem like a skilled writer.=] 5/5

You have no idea how much I can relate to this poem, Lisa.
I think it's really beautiful and deep..I love it. If it's not your usual style, then I think you should try more of this...good work!

Hugs,

5/5 Ingrid

I dont think this is as great as the other ones i read but i like the dark mysteriousness of this one

i am not entirely sure what an elergy is but im sure you did this one well

good job

Keenan

"Naive, the blackouts were disdained - unknown to us
as your secret life began to shine with shame."

I noticed here and throughout this poem there is a lot of dramatic pauses that grab the reader and pull them deep in the piece. Each line caught my attention and held it there, great work! Good opening line, this style I really love....

"One word could of prevented our many cries, one word
may have broke the chain of lies. One word."

The repetition of "one word" was perfect here as it created a nice tone for the reader....

"Yet your vocabulary lacked all that we desired,
such pleas for protection never crossed your mind."

Wow, what wording! So deep and powerful were your words, they just struck my heart!

"Are we not to grieve? To lament? To mourn? Impossible.
Where do I find faith with a heaven forsworn? Unreachable."

Favorite part, I love when there are questions in a poem, makes the reader think. I also love how you answer. One word that says so much, you have much much talent Lisa, this is a masterpiece, not even joking!

"You promised me a hero to catch me when I fell
yet all I got were empty promises
and a step stumbling farewell."

Nice ending, satisfying the reader.
5/5 from me, what more can I say? Stuning, keep it up....

God Bless You!

~MaryAnne

I really like your style of poetry im glad you posted to me =] Yor chioce of wording is once again really good! your very artistic with how you portaray your poetry. The rhyming scheme worked quite well once again and your flow was carried throughout nicley! 5/5

Well done with your title.. loved the alliteration.. it attracted my attention and drew me in.

'Naive, the blackouts were disdained - unknown to us
as your secret life began to shine with shame.'
`I love your word choice, loved the consanance [sp?] of shine with shame.. loved how you worded that..

'One word could of prevented our many cries, one word
may have broke the chain of lies. One word.'
`Chain of lines was amazing, how many lies and how they link together almost, possibly never ending. Also great job with the repetitve of 'one word' you truly emphasize this in this stanza, which is powerful.. because its a strong message your trying to get across..

'Yet your vocabulary lacked all that we desired,
such pleas for protection never crossed your mind.'
`Simply said .. I cant really critique this, just praise it for the way it was worded.. wonderful.

'You promised me a hero to catch me when I fell
yet all I got were empty promises
and a step stumbling farewell.'
`I loved this ending, it was well written. This person promises to catch you, yet didnt in the end. This refers back to the part where you said it was a 'chain of lies' .. what a sad ending.. how you end up with just empty promises. The last line was amazing 'step stumbling farewell' - great work..

:)

I really liked the flow of this poem. Excellent job:)

I liked the point you made of "one word." Very powerful. Strong in it's admission of "if only." Well said, overall. Good write.

That was written beautifully...