Out of Bounds.

"If you were open for the game..would I want you so."
`Great opening.. When you said 'open for the game' I thought the game of love. It really fit your title of 'Out of Bounds' all your words connect very well to one another. Just one small thing.. it should be three dots, not two.

"You're like a ticking bomb that I want to help explode"
`This was a little cliche, someone being a bomb and them exploding.. it works though, but I had to admit I wasnt entirely pleased with it.

"Yet I continue to bathe in this affection that you give
my desire to want you blocks out my will to live.
I know that she would kill."
`I loved bathe here, sometimes we feel like we're deep in someones love and affection they give us, our desire to want them is set above and beyond anything else.

One suggestion - the last line of the second and third stanzas can both be longer.

"We've both made mistakes why shower us with loss."
`I think the period should be replaced with a question mark.. cause technically this is a question, loved your wording here though, shower us with loss, thats perfect.. havent heard it before myself.

I can provide you with a few suggestions, one that confused me was how you talked of YOU in the first stanza.. then you were saying she? Were you really talking about another girl or was it you all this time? You should always talk from ONE perspective, not two. It can confuse the reader, and it did for me here.

The last stanza.. hmm, you could continue with your title and try and connect it to the title more. Not sure what specifically you would write about, but I'm sure you could figure that out :]

Well done otherwise.. tried providing you with any suggestions I could think of..

Good luccck revising :)

5/5 Temps

"If you were open for the game..would I want you so."

I love this as being the opening line, but those last few words I thought weren't that powerful. Shuldn't there be a question mark, or did you mean for it to be like that? This is just my opinion but I don't think having the"so" at the end reads well, its just differently worded. This is YOUR poem, I don't mean to sound pushy, I just want to help.

"You're like a ticking bomb that I want to help explode
its taking all my energy not to run toward the danger-zone.
For one land mine may set the world at war."

I liked this, very unique and deep. Great visuals and you set the scene perfectly here, I enjoyed these lines a lot!

"Yet I continue to bathe in this affection that you give
my desire to want you blocks out my will to live.
I know that she would kill."

I am not much of a critic compared to the above^ but I will try! I like what you are saying here, but I think maybe you could add more about "her", like just adding more to that last line. Just to be a bit more descriptive and give off more visuals.

"Who made these rules; these lines we cannot cross?
We've both made mistakes why shower us with loss.
While she is happy as can be. "

Good wording and emotion here, though as the above commenter said, I do think you could go more into detail about "her" and what exactly she is feeling, instead of just giving us the basics. But I did really really like this poem, you put a lot of thought into it. The wording was great and you did beautifully. Nice job, good luck with the last stanza, hope I helped out!

Take care, have a good weekend...

~MaryAnne

Neat write Lisa, I liked how you zoomed out a bit on the subject and left some room for the reader to get something from it. You wanted constructive criticsm so I'll do my best.

'If you were open for the game..would I want you so.'

Don't think stands strong enough on it's own, it's fine opening up with something like this; a prelude, perhaps but is there meant to be a question mark there? It's sort of a bit confusing in terms of syntax. Revise/rephrase this line, maybe keep the first phrase and after '...' change cause that's what throws it off.

'You're like a ticking bomb that I want to help explode'

Change it to 'You're a ticking bomb' because if 'you' was 'like' a bomb then you wouldn't say 'I want to help explode' cause it's a simile. By declaring it 'you are', you're making it more deliberate and it makes more sense. :)

'its taking all my energy not to run toward the danger-zone.
For one land mine may set the world at war.'

It's taking your energy NOT to run? Perhaps you could change 'energy' to something more specific. Something like (effort) but not because effort sounds strange. 'set the world at war' could be considered a bit overdramatic perhaps.

'Yet I continue to bathe in this affection that you give
my desire to want you blocks out my will to live.
I know that she would kill.'

Bathing in the affection doesn't follow the image above; look at it in terms of continuity, you can't really talk about 'war' and 'bombs' then zoom out to affections, either keep it dramatic or keep it..normal? You could keep the idea from the previous stanza and run with it; perhaps making it a bit more original in the process. Try it out :)

'Who made these rules; these lines we cannot cross?'

Liked that, except 'these rules' is clumsy; perhaps because you repeat 'these' before 'lines'. Maybe it's a case of chucking the semi colon and adding a dash or hyphon.

'Who made these rules - these lines' the hyphon would add dramatic effect there.

'We've both made mistakes why shower us with loss.
While she is happy as can be. '

These lines confused me. 'She' needs to be expanded or revealed more gracefully. And you're right, it doesn't really feel like an ending, another stanza would benefit you.

I see potential here, you could open up the possibilites, I liked where it was heading after the second stanza; the dramatic tone helped you, afterwards it became a bit normal, and this made your piece in entirety suffer. Good write, but it needs reworking a bit.

I still think you should run with the 'danger zone' idea. :)