Comments : Reality

  • 14 years ago

    by The Prince

    Liked the simplicity here; there was a real character here (which was you) but someone who doesn't know you could get something from this.

    'I thought monsters lived under my bed.
    I thought that Daddy was my hero.
    And that a hug and kiss from Mommy
    Would make everything better.'

    Loved this cause a lot of people can relate to it. The problem with stuff like this is it either becomes personal or people who didn't think like that are turned off because they never had a dad etc..the second stanza was an addition to the first, nothing much to comment on.

    The third stanza was too blunt, you could have revealed it more gracefully. It's contrasting stanzas but it's too deliberate to feel anything. You told us too much here.

    'I've realized that Christmas
    Is a free-for-all for fighting
    Between the siblings and the parents.
    And that, like most holidays,
    It will start in tears and end in a truce.'

    This is so much better, more personal, more character - something like this needs to replace the third stanza you have.

    'The warmth of a hug or kiss from Mom
    Isn't magic. It can sooth away the little things,
    But when it comes to heartache and those things
    That you can't talk about with anyone but yourself,
    Mom's hugs and kisses only linger so long.'

    Can be phrased better, 'things' is a horrible word in poetry and the sadness of the persona isn't revealed enough. The last line was nice though.

    'I outgrew wanting to stay in Wisconsin.
    I began to feel the urge to spread my wings and take a leap of faith -
    Even if I was the only one who believed I would make it.
    Wisconsin's warmth changed with the seasons
    And desperation for colder arms mounted steadily. '

    Probably the best stanza I've read from you, though I wasn't keen on the repetition of 'Wisconsin' you didn't need it.

    'When I was a little girl...
    I thought that monsters lived under my bed.
    I thought that Daddy was my hero.
    And that a hug and kiss from Mommy
    Would make anything better.

    I'm not a little girl anymore.
    Though sometimes I wish I was.'

    None of this is needed, it doesn't help you poem and it'd be so much better ending on the previous stanza.

    Good write though the ending was too weak.

  • 14 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Overall I think it was a nice write. The personal meaning behind it for you is deep and many can relate. I think it is much better thanks to Dan's suggestions, however I do agree to a certian extent that the last stanza isn't really needed, it doesn't add much besides a personal note to yourself.

    Overall well written, keep up the good work.

    Peace, Joe