My Broken Dream

by xX the left behind Xx   May 20, 2009


On nights when the stars come out to play,
I recall days that are long gone.
Memories that were blown away,
and moments kissed by the sun.

I remember the summer's music,
the joy of yesterday too.
I still feel the winter's magic,
and yet I don't see you.

Your eyes were pieces of the evening sky.
Deep, mysterious yet intriguing.
And so between hello's and goodbye's,
For you I kept on yearning.

Each day I'd look for you within the crowd
Of happenings and emotions.
But all that I ever found
were disguised lies and false notions.

I remember when I finally gave up,
and left with a silent scream.
I had just about enough,
so I dubbed you my broken dream.

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Latest Comments

  • 14 years ago

    by Stephanie Michelle

    I love it how you took a cliche topic and made it into something that was unique and your own. Overall I like the style of writing you're using here but you should work on making the lines flow more freely.

    "On nights when the stars come out to play,
    I recall days that are long gone.
    Memories that were blown away,
    and moments kissed by the sun."

    I think the flow in this first stanza would be better if you were to change if to be something like this

    "On nights when stars come out to play
    I recall days so long gone
    Memories now blown away
    Moments all kissed by Sun."

    The second stanza for the most part flows pretty nicely but once again I think you'd benefit by rewording the lines to something like this.

    "I remember summer's music,
    the joy of yesterday too.
    I still feel our winter's magic,
    but yet I don't see you."

    I won't go on with the rest of the stanzas, just giving you some input and examples of how to alter your writing a little. Good use of senses and and creativity

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