A Book on a Shelf

First of all. I like the title of the poem. It captured my attention.

Anyway.

You're in with her tonight,
Smiles fading by the candle light,
- Great opener. It sets an atmosphere for the reader.

Does she treat your heart alright?
- I like the tone of this line. It looks like you're worried for the 'guy'

With rotting clothes, decaying holes
- Excellent choice of words. It has a very dark 'feel' to it.

Buried myself in blue, as not to (decay,)
- Try not to used the same word in a poem. Though it's really up to you coz you're rhyming (I think it's okay to used it - But do try not to repeat words)

Brilliant ending. It sums up the whole 'sad love story' of the poem. And it leaves a sad picture in the reader's head.

5/5

This was absolutely beautiful. It held a certain irony. I can sense and tell by your words that you have lost someone near and dear to another. That is always painful and never a good thing to have to experience. But throughout life we go through it all. Death, Hatred,Love,And Joy. Our minds function on the same levels most of the time. It's hard to move on from the past. Because the past is what made you who you are in the now present. But also the present makes you who you are in the future. Love is a amazing gift to be able to feel. But it can be quite difficult to master the feeling. To gain control of your heart after it's taken. But there is always a way. We pretend that we have left our memories behind. But in all honesty they will never leave us. After we love it stays with us until we die. It's a pity that people cannot just throw the times they shared out. But In most cases they cannot. I loved this piece. It was well written and very descriptive. Hearts can be broken, But they do heal in time. Loneliness bears a troublesome hurt. Never forget though. Love will be around everywhere, You have only to look and search to find it.

5/5

-FeignOctober

Well good enough to create interest. Seems you've done little forceful rhyming... but it's okay. Some lines are really good.

Jess..

this is the best thing you have ever written.
and i am entirely envious of you and this piece.

you by far, took my breath away with this.

First of all, this was an enjoyable read (: There were bits that I absolutely loved, and thought were penned really well. Some of the rhyming, especially towards the beginning seemed a bit forced and unnatural to me, despite that the rhythm and form held pretty strong through the first two stanzas. The third seemed to fall off a bit for me ... the rhyming was more slant, which affected the cadence. It seemed a bit disjointed in that way from the first two.

I loved "secrets absorbed" line, it was a strong use of words -- a great image there. The rest of that stanza is also nice, my favorite part I think.

"My shoes are coloured charcoal dreams,"
Beautiful!! (: The rest of that stanza kind of confused me though, I don't think you got your message across with as much of a punch as you intended to. It was a mix-up to my senses.

"I turned a flower into a memory,"
I love this line. (: It opened up the last stanza with a great and unique thought; there are also many interpretations open in this line, which is great.

Overall, this piece was good (: Again, the rhyming kind of threw me off a bit -- it kind of gave the whole piece a cheery tone, which contradicted the emotion portrayed in the words ... but it was still a pleasure to read, and no doubt well written. Keep writing down the bones! (: I look forward to reading more.